do you ever have to do something for a full day before you actually figure out why you did it?
as i headed up to bed last night i had an 'ah-ha' moment. you see it was the kind of day yesterday that dreams are made of - glorious and cool, sunshiney and perfect, and yet i did not step one toe out the door. not even to get the mail.
i puttered, cleaned, read, blogged, read blogs, commented, cleaned some more, played with the kids, let them watch tv whenever they wanted - it was a lazy cloistered kind of day. i barely even peaked out the window.
the kids and i had intended to run a few errands and then go and visit 'daddy' at the camp where the retreat was being held. i caved and didn't go.
as i climbed the stairs last night, after the house was dark and quiet i realized why. i didn't want to have to come home to an empty house alone. if i stayed with the doors locked i wouldn't have to return to the unknown. it didn't make me feel any better that we had wasted an absolutely beautiful day, but it did help me understand a bit more about my fear.
i was also a bit stressed with the thought of having to staff the youth booth at the ministry fair at church today without liam - i hate small talk, i can do it like a pro - but it's exhausting and i really resent it. i have to portray the yp's wife, smile and look like i have far more together today than i really do.
last month after talking with anj she told me about her friend who used to talk about getting her period like taking a ride on a menstrual cycle - so here's mine, anybody want a ride??