Saturday, September 11, 2004

peace amidst the storm

good morning! this morning i awoke to jimmmaaa's comment in my comment box and he reminded me of a familiar verse, this morning it was salve to my soul.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18
i have felt that nearness in these past 24 hours. your prayers have blessed me greatly. peacefulness amidst the storm.

i don't talk about the real bobbie too much any more, but she was very sick for a very long time. her fight with sle nephritis (lupus) was a horrible one. during one of the most difficult times a good friend gave her a pen and ink drawing of a gull over the waves with these words:

sometimes the lord
calms the storm
sometimes he lets the storm rage
and calms his child
he has been calming me during these past days.

i know that it is tempting in these difficult spots of recovery to write it all off to spiritual battles and avoid the emotions it churns up. i personally believe that that mentality will only prolong the inevitable pain. i did not have the tools to feel the pain when these things originally happened, i didn't have the support, love and knowledge that i have now. i know that i am ready for the memories now. they will not crush me. i have the tools. it isn't easy, but it is easier.

i wish jesus was magic, i really do. i wish someone could wack me on the head, slay me in the spirit and clean away all of the trash from my past, but i've been there, done that and found that jesus won't do for me what i can do for myself. he knows i can bear these memories. they will make me stronger and more able to minister. he doesn't waste anything. each time he chose to heal someone it was something they could not do for themselves. i see no evidence in the bible of any miracle that intervenes on the natural ability of that person. each of us who have experienced childhood trauma - no matter what that level of pain was, are able to face it if we surround ourselves in a healing community and admit our need.

running or denying or praying for a miracle to make this easier only resulted in a lot of addiction and shame for me. i can't pretend any longer. this hurts. it's the hardest thing i've ever done, but i am up to the challenge. i am loved and safe. the memories don't make the remembering real again. i am not six. they make the pain real, and the emotions i feel are more real than anything i've ever felt before. it's almost like something being born.

anne lamott writes about a discussion a woman had with a man who worked with the dalai lama:

And he said-gently-that they believe when a lot of things are going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born-and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.
i know this to be true in my life. the other memory i received came when i wasn't looking for it - when i wasn't straining or striving. i needed to be distracted so it could be born.

remember, i truly believe that god redeems all things if we let him. i am a junkie for redemption. i want this part of my soul back, this part of my childhood back, they have stolen enough already. i want it redeemed.

so let the storm rage father, calm me, redeem me and surround me with those who can help these memories to be birthed in their own time.

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