trigger happy

talked with our friend hope yesterday (for 98 minutes! thank god for unlimited long distance calling!) - i really need it. i have been in the dumps for the past couple of weeks, unable to shake things and even more unable to figure out why. it has all turned my nose into a brand new compulsive behavior that i have had a dickens of a time setting aside.

rarely can i set things aside unless i can understand them. i knew that i hadn't figured out what was driving me to this new obsession and until i did it wouldn't loose it's hold over me. i'm so embarrassed to even type out what it is. isn't that insane? i can talk about being raped here, my sexual addiction and my rock-bottom compulsive overeating behaviors like drinking cake mix while hiding between my counter and fridge - but i just can't seem to own up to the fact that i have been SUCKED into the deep world of role playing games. ugh. there, i said it. i am so embarrassed...

i have been coping by avoiding life by being a kick ass warrior princess in another world. she has little pink pig tails and a lightning bolt strike that takes out the meanest of monsters. her name is flutterbye and i love her. she has become this alter ego that is so productive, capable and needs no one. the purpose of this game is to work with other types of characters to build a team that can work together to overcome challenges. i on the other hand enjoy working alone and solving the story quests and exploring the vast towns, islands and story. it's brilliant, beautifully illustrated and so dang fun.

but i have neglected so very much because of it. i have withdrawn, knowing the whole time i was doing so, slightly veiling my involvement as helping my son to level up, but knowing consciously that it was virtual crack for my wounded soul.

i have talked about it with a few friends, hope being one of them and i tried during the times when i was clear headed enough (and not obsessing with the damn game) to understand what was pushing my nose into it. i wasn't having much luck. that's really the problem when we loose serenity - we need the serenity to figure out why we have lost the serenity we once had - so talking to someone who has serenity yesterday gave me a lot of the clarity and encouragement i so desperately needed. this is why recovery is a community. because sometimes i am strong and helping others, but so many times i am weak and need help myself. bearing each others burdens in the most beautiful way. not solving each other's problems, just sharing our experience, strength and hope - i heard the clarity and serenity in hope's words and knew all that i had traded for the dumb game.

but why? why had i given it away? i knew it was shame. i knew i was loaded with it, but i couldn't understand what it was that had caused it.

i mentioned in the meme that one of my bad habits is replaying social situations to the point of paranoia (not clinical, just your average, garden variety type of paranoia...) :) - in talking with hope i was able to reconstruct an event that gave me the clue to the big ah-ha. we have a small group with about 5 other couples. we pot-luck friday night dinner and share life together afterward. our kids play in the other room and we have really built a safe place to be together.

social interactions and community is difficult for me. i usually over share to create false intimacy, i withdraw and isolate in fear, i judge and feel judged and create a real mess for my introverted self. well this was going well - i had said at the first time we were together how scared i was and how difficult this was for me and it was well received and i had been so good about not oversharing, but being open when it was appropriate. we were really feeling like a community.

i realized when talking with hope that the one night when liam wasn't there i found myself the center of a lot of male attention and i reveled in it - and i finally realized that i had been flirting. nothing overtly sexual, but i was definitely flirting and enjoying the attention.

damn. number 4 on my bad habit list is shaming myself - and jumping ahead of myself on behavior. innocent flirting created a lot of shame in me and i jumped ahead and labeled myself a whore and was convinced that all that i feared about myself was true. i needed to put back on the 65 lbs. i had lost because i was not fit to be in public and community at the size i was now because it/i was just too dangerous...

i never said any of these things out loud or even really acknowledged them, but deep inside i knew that was what i was believing to be reality. my program saved me from myself and i didn't eat myself back into a binge, but i found a NEW AND EXCITING addiction to relieve me from myself and place me smack dab in a world that i could CONTROL. damn.

one of the things hope said yesterday (correct me here if i'm not verbalizing it like you did hope) was that when we are triggered we shouldn't be ashamed, triggers just show us parts of ourselves that aren't healed yet.

wow.

the jumping ahead of myself i do had me falling into adultery when all i really did was revel in attention and seek out some more of it. i realized that it wasn't at all sexual (like i had shamed myself into thinking), but just that plain old missing father love that i was looking for. male attention is a gaping wound in my soul and it just felt so very good to have people asking me how i was and really caring about my answer, being interested in my brain and what i had to contribute and not having it be about them, but just me. revelatory.

as i processed all of this with liam this a.m. over breakfast i told him that hope also told me that one day i'd be able to affirm myself in the ways i felt i needed others to affirm me. i told him that i joked with hope and said "when did you get so wise?" - i then said to him that i wanted to go to rehab. was there anyplace that would take such a messy person and help them regain the serenity they had lost? he said maybe there should be a place called "me-hab" - that made us laugh. and then i realized i had that already. i just wasn't taking advantage of it anymore. so i need to spend some time in me-hab today.

like the ah-ha that making empty my friend brought to me, changing the perspective on the triggers - making them clues and red flags for healing, instead of reminders of shame and fears will make all the difference. thus the title of this post - i don't know that i will ever get to that point of being happy to be triggered, but if i can use them as tools, i know that i will definitely be more happy, joyous and free.

get to know me meme

boy grows up has meme'd me, and i've been in such a writing funk lately i think this could be just the thing to get my off my proverbial butt.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1) What was I doing 10 yrs ago?

1998. wow, that seems like a life time ago. i had just given birth to my son. my daughter was just turning 2 and we had just moved into part-time youth ministry at a tiny little plymouth brethren church. i thought life couldn't get any better. boy was i wrong. it was the beginning of the worst 2 years of my life. i was undiagnosed post-partum and had moved into a community that loathed me. it was the beginning of the relapse of my addictions (sexual & food) and the end of my sanity. aren't you glad you asked? :p

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

1. Blog this.
2. Go stateside for groceries (dairy products in this side of canada are horrible!).
3. Buy a new bra - why is it that is always a place we loose weight??
4. Book the rock climbing gym for my kids birthday party.
5. Hit the library.

3) Snacks I enjoy:

my food plan is only meals, but i have just found dried, unsweetened mangoes from the bulk barn and i am enjoying them as part of my meal - yummy!!

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

1. start a non-profit helping people in poverty & addiction take steps into a fuller, richer life.
2. fund as many organizations that are truly helping people trapped in poverty.
3. realize that god loves me way too much to trust me with a lot of money, because if i'm really honest i'd probably dive head first into any and every addiction on the planet....

5) Three of my bad habits:

1. wasting time on the computer
2. avoiding the things i'm supposed to do
3. re-hashing every social interaction i have and analyzing it to death becoming more and more paranoid that everyone hates me, i should have kept my mouth shut and i should never leave the house again...

6) 5 places I have lived: (i'm anonymous, so i'm going to be vague, just because i'd like to stay that way...)

1. eastern iowa
2. chicagoland
3. southeast wisconsin
4. maritimes, canada
5. pittsburgh area

7) 5 jobs I have had:

1. file clerk for a busy medical clinic in high school - i loved that job!
2. camp counselor
3. baker @ camp
4. closet/storage organizer/designer, store manager
5. chamber maid (lasted one weekend - for some very wealthy people who had a summer mansion in our town - hated it, had to wear the little white dress & serve them their after dinner drinks - the place smelled like bengay and made me feel like i was an extra in a movie)

8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:

deb
penni
tex
steve
hope

silver linings

i have been flat lately. remember when i said that i stood on the edge of the ocean in february and screamed "ha winter, it's february and i'm beach combing! you didn't get me!"?? well it was like winter took that as a challenge and reached out a long arm, scooped me up and said "wanna bet?"

ugh.

these past few months have been hard. some wonderful bright spots, but they just don't seem to push me forward, i enjoy them and then stall again. stalled. that is exactly how i feel.

my sponsoree K is wonderful. we have really come to have a great friendship, one that i cherish deeply. she is really good at finding silver linings. little comments that help me see things from a different perspective.

in talking last night with my sponsor i had a different perspective fall on me. i told her that even though this season has been difficult, we are being present to the yucky emotions that sickness, death and winter has brought on - i am not eating them or stuffing them, but sitting with them - and (here's the ah-ha) i realized that my program is working. i might be on auto-pilot some of the time, but my food plan, my daily routine and my tools are doing the hard work for me because in the good times i have worked my program. that felt really good. so that's my silver lining for today. what's yours?

togenberg you made my day!

just wanted you to know togenberg that opening up my email box today and seeing the FIVE comments from you on my blog just MADE MY DAY! thank you! i tried to follow your name to a blog but it's restricted and just in case you make it back here i wanted you to know that i really appreciated your kind words and questions. i'll do my best to respond, nobody leaves comments like those anymore and they are so encouraging to me, just wanted to say thank you!

change in plans?

well, we were getting ready to leave tomorrow a.m. got the tires all changed on the volvo (used her pretty aluminum rims and she looks so purdy!) and this afternoon my son began to complain about stomach cramps. being diabetic everything gets a bit more complicated, especially things having to do with the stomach/food...

he ate a small supper as he needs to have carbs for his blood sugar to be regulated... and he just threw it all up... this is the first time we've dealt with this since he's been diagnosed. a quick call to his dr. let us know now to panic, but to make sure we're checking his blood sugars, because if they get low he has to be admitted to the hospital for an iv because he can't keep anything down... so no traveling for us.

after the day of drama trauma with liam's step-mom i'm relieved, but really want to be there for liam and his sibs. but relieved. so a bit of a change for now, thanks for your prayers and encouragement.

liam's dad

just heard that liam's father just died. they thought he'd have a month or two, then a couple of days ago it was weeks, and yesterday it was the weekend. he didn't make it.

please pray especially for liam's sister G as the family told her to go on her scheduled holiday and she is to return tomorrow. she will be shattered.

things are still sideways (not in a good sideways like my blog, but a bad, twisted, uncomfortable sideways) so prayers in that area would be a blessing too.

we're hoping our sad, little volvo can make the trip again. any prayers for her would be appreciated too.

manufacturing misery

manufacturing misery.

can you just see lucy & ethel working at the factory as it pours off the assembly line? more misery, coming right up. manufacturing misery. i heard that line at the OA retreat and it rang like a gong in my head.

it's taken from the AA big book on pg. 133:

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.

Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.

brilliant.

liam and i have known each other for 25 years now and i have coined a phrase that describes a behavior he has - i call it "precasting" - it is the tendency to decide in advance how someone will respond to a situation so as to excuse yourself of having to follow through on a confrontation, conversation or interaction. it is mental gymnastics at the olympic level. and it looks so much like manufacturing misery.

in my own life this looks like the paranoia i have after interactions in public and my community. i rehash and replay every word i uttered, every interplay that happened and rake myself over the coals of regret and shame sure that everyone at the event is laughing at me and talking behind my back. i manufacture misery in costco size boxes.

Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.

our daughter pink teaches me so much about myself in watching her navigate through middle school. i see her fears, watch her insecurities and struggles and find myself in and amongst her pain. poor lamb. the journey to womanhood isn't easy at all - but for those of us who are introverts with very little self confidence it is excruciating and lonely.

i can see how she holds back in social situations, i can read the anxiety on her face at youth group. will they include me? will i fit in? will i be able to bring myself to walk up to the group of girls who seem so able and become one of the group? i feel her pain. i know that even today those same thoughts and fears run through my head as i am faced with the need to meet and greet and make small talk when i would rather sit quietly with a book and ignore them all.

i hear pink speak of "mean girls" - but when i ask her how they are mean she is unable to explain behaviors. i have seen the girls she so longs to be friends with, and it's not that they exclude her, it's more that she doesn't know how to join in. she projects much of her own fears and rejection of herself onto them when they really aren't behaving in a way that is mean or cruel (now please, i know girls can be mean, especially in middle school) but i wonder if much of the angst of the pre-teen years isn't a manufacturing of misery based on our own awkwardness and insecurities?

how do i do this in my own life? how can i learn how not to create the misery that i am so afraid of? how can i teach it to her?

i don't have answers, but am starting to pull at the edges of this tangle. i so want to be happy, joyous, and free, don't you?

big shoulders, heavy load

before liam left town he left a note for his dad's doctor (because time lines didn't allow for a face to face meeting) talking about getting his dad's wishes documented (living will) so that the family left in town wouldn't have to guess at his wishes if he becomes unable to express himself and is still living but unconscious. liam saw what i went through with my mother during her death and wouldn't wish that on anyone.

some idiotic nurse read the note, left in his father's file for the doctor, to his step-mom and she went ballistic. i have probably mentioned it here before, but she's not the most emotionally/psychologically healthy person on a good day. she lost it. that coupled with the fact that liam's dad asked her, just that morning, if she would mind if his first wife (liam's mom) could be allowed to come in and say goodbye (one of the healthiest things that could give the man some peace would be to deal with this deep wound left on this family from a nasty divorce and he never took any responsibility for before).

all of this was blasted at liam through his cell phone as he was chairing the meeting of the local mental health board meeting yesterday... (the irony of this isn't lost on us...)

ugh.

she's accusing him of wanting power of attorney and trying to leave her out and every ugly accusation she can throw at him. he had spoken before he left to his brother, and her son, his step-brother, and they all three thought this would be a good idea that would help her, not hurt her. she doesn't see it that way.

if i can encourage anyone, please express to your families your wishes, even get them on paper, it empowers you and helps your family to know at a time that things aren't stressful and difficult how you'd like your life to end. dying well is something our generation could actually do if we spent the time now thinking and talking about it with ourselves and those we love.

i know liam has big shoulders, but the emotional toll of all of this is weighing on him. any prayers would really be appreciated. we want more light and more life for all involved - not pain, confusion and struggle. please god recenter all of this to the truth.

unwrapped

i don't know how many times i've said today "i just want everything to be NORMAL again" - things aren't neat and tidy in my mind lately - they've gotten all unruffled by the emotions liam's dad's sickness has brought into our lives. i hate that about grief, death and dying. it can never stay in a nice, neat easy package. and it unwraps all of the other ones you've ever had in your life. it's like it dissolves the wrapper on everything somehow. i guess maybe i'm feeling unwrapped too.

it was much easier to hate and resent him. dealing with that resentment has left me wide open to the depth of emotion this has brought. i hadn't realized how tucked away i had made my heart. damn denial. i guess it's not helping that i got my period 4 days early... i'm just awash with emotion today and while i know that is okay i still don't have to like it. i just keep repeating "this too shall pass, this too shall pass..." i know that one day of deep emotion doesn't mean winter has me in it's evil clutches, but damn i am sick of it all. i think one day of warm weather and beach combing would fix everything.

we're headed up coast today to pick up liam from the airport. there are three spots where we pass the ocean. each time we do i say "hello ocean" - just seeing it resets something within me. maybe today we'll stop and i'll get out of the car and yell at the waves for a bit. the sun at least is shining. it's bitter cold, but for today, just for today thy will not mine be done.

death and resurrection

liam is doing the vigil at the hospital, his father is dying. the cancer is closing off his esophagus and he can hardly swallow, let alone eat. it is so hard to be this far away while my beloved is hurting. during the retreat last weekend i shared with my women that i was holding onto a huge lot of resentment toward liam's dad. it was the major step 5 work i was doing. that night i really prayed that god would help me to understand this more clearly.

as i processed it with them i realized that most of what i carried wasn't mine (surprise, bad boundaries again...) - i was feeling slights for things liam never even acknowledged or was bothered by. he really upon looking back over things never really had done anything to me, other than neglect the people i love most in this world, my son and my kids, and blame them for lack of contact. i also realized that knowing he was sick i decided that disengagement would be the best line of defense so that it didn't hurt when he died.

upon my return from the retreat liam told me of the prayer his father asked him to pray over the phone, he kept asking god to forgive his sins. liam was able to reassure him that he was forgiven and went on to tell him of the thief on the cross who was at that moment being punished for his crimes, and jesus told him that he would be with him that day in paradise. he said that he could literally hear his father's shoulders drop and his breathing calm as he said 'thank you son'. at that moment i realized god had done for me what i was unable to do for myself. love that man. the resentment was lifted. i cried and felt such a compassion for this man.

i realized on friday night after liam flew away that my mom also died at easter time - it was in april that year, but i knew that if i didn't make some plans that i would be hurting myself. so i got home and started to find a place where we could go for celebration today. going to make some peach pies to bring to my pastor/therapist/professors house (yes, he wears many hats, so glad he is a kind gentle man otherwise it would be too much!) to celebrate with the other families that are joining together there today. so grateful for my community this weekend. liam and i have done time apart, but other than his trip to nepal a few years ago it's usually me who goes and he who stays (boy do i like that a whole lot better!) - i realized this weekend how much fun he brings to our lives. every day things are a whole lot more fun when he is around. boy do i miss him.

please continue to pray for he and his family (us included) - mostly for peace and clarity. liam is supposed to fly home tomorrow, but if there are only days left we'd really like to know. thank you for your prayers.

i have a sponsor!!

the retreat was amazing - the three of us connected so deeply and on so many levels. it was just what we all needed. and i also found a sponsor. just got off the phone with her and we told our stories. she's 3 hours away, but i am happy to talk on the phone and email.

off to bed, see ya!

retreat!

retreat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

liam's dad update

well, the information we were given yesterday wasn't nearly as desperate as we were made to believe. it's still really bad, but not urgent. we're relieved. liam was included in the "family meeting" with the doctors via conference call and i think it helped a lot to hear the real information and to hear about options.

there are lesions on the lungs, biopsy to follow, plus CT & bone scans to see if it's spread to head/stomach/bones. they aren't optomistic that it will be anything but cancer. he smoked for 3/4's of his life and worked in a steel mill that whole time too. it has always been his greatest fear, unfortunately the five years he's avoided the doctor have probably been the years he could have gotten treatment to actually beat this. it's probably past treatment stage, and he's so weak and sick now that it probably would be long in coming.

i prayed for clarity today and felt that it was received.

i am still able to go to my oa retreat this weekend and am so happy about that as 3 of us are going together. can't wait!! i really need this break, especially after this, and march break. i'm always a better mom/woman/wife/person after this kind of getaway and they have been few and far between since we started our masters degree.

thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. we really appreciate it.

please pray for liam & his dad

liam's dad has been in hospital for the past week w/ pneumonia and we just got "the call" - it's not sure what the real "doctor" information is as this has filtered through his dad, to step-mom, who is melodramatic at the best of times, to liam's brother and to us - but the word was originally "he's not going to pull through".

since then we've found out that this is probably a bit of an over-reaction. it will be life-threatening, but the timing is probably not as urgent as we were led to believe originally. anyway - please pray.

his family puts the dys in dysfunctional and more than anything i would pray that they would work together through this - and not at each other.

this is the first death liam will experience personally in his life when it happens, he was with me when my mom died, but they really didn't know each other very well, so it wasn't very emotional. he has said everything he needed to say to his dad when we were there last summer - so we're not really sure how this will all play out. we're just so very far away.

thanks.

lie gently

“Lie back, daughter, let your head be tipped back
in the cup of my hand.
Gently, I will hold you.
Spread your arms wide, lie out on the stream and look high at the gulls.

A dead-man’s float is face down.
You will dive and swim soon enough where this tidewater ebbs to the sea.

Daughter, believe me, when you tire on the long thrash to your island,
lie up, and survive.

As you float now, where I held you and let go,
remember when fear cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently and wide to the light-year stars,
lie back, and the sea will hold you.”

Phillip Booth, Words of Mouth

thank you rachelle!

woman at the well

this is so powerful.



thank you jennifer!

lenten update

how i have missed my morning blogging. it seems i can't rub two real words together after noon. i have enjoyed all of the reading and other things i'm doing during that time, but my best thoughts of the day seem to coalesce first thing in the morning. this is just more of an "oh, yea, i just remembered" kind of post.

i am now officially as of last night a sponsor. i don't have a sponsor, but i was asked last night by a new friend to be her sponsor. i know the timing is right, but i am a bit overwhelmed by the idea. i read a brilliant line at 'the last chance texaco' that said something about not caring about someone else's recovery more than they do - that will help me a lot if i can keep that in the forefront of my mind.

if anyone reading has had a great sponsor or is a great sponsor and has tips, references or any reading you recommend could you please comment or email me? i would be encouraged by that greatly. i realize it is kind of like the situation i'm in with mothering. i don't/haven't had a great role model in mothering, but common sense, reading and input from mothers i respect has helped me to do a pretty good job as a mom. i have never had a "real" sponsor and still don't have anyone i could even ask right now - so modeling myself after anyone isn't possible. she's not the codependent type and we get along well already - so it won't be draining to interact with her regularly.

i just don't really know where to start...

we have a retreat coming up that 4 of us might all go to - but we're not sure if we've left it too long before deciding. hopefully that will give us all a recovery boost, help us to get to know each other better and i might even find someone who would be a possible sponsor for me. i'm tired of being a lone ranger.

my lenten commitments are going well although there are so many mornings that plopping myself down in front of this computer seem so very attractive. i am finding though that the less time i spend on the computer the less it holds sway over me.

buck has been sick and that always messes with his blood sugars, so it's not a lot of fun for him. he's such a social kid that being alone in his room seems like punishment instead of fun. we've played more games of 'crazy 8's' than i can count.

pink & buck's birthdays are coming up and we told them the other day that if there is a party it will be shared because of their friends play together anyway. the idea of planning a party doesn't hold a lot of joy for me, so i thought that maybe i could buy my way out of it. i told them last night that if they chose to forgo a big party that i would give them each $50.00 - buck looks at me and says (totally deadpan) "make it $100 and you've got a deal." even sick he's got a great sense of humor. i laughed and then he said "i'm not joking."

they both have to decide together and they can each have a friend overnight in lieu of a party, so i'm hoping that they'll take the bait. between youth group and sunday school i do a lot of planning and entertaining their friends already.

one of the things i've posted on my other blog is about "don't break the chain" - it's the discipline of choosing a commitment, marking it with a red x on your calendar and for every day you continue you keep the chain going. i have been writing every day - it doesn't have to be anything deep, moving or intelligent, most of the time it's a page in my journal before bed - but i am writing every day and so far have had 93 days. it's a fun way to create a discipline and keep it.

oh, some of you have asked what my response to my friend from bible college was. i spent a lot of time thinking/praying about it and realized that i would assume the best and if he was trying to bait me shame on him. i responded to his message on facebook by saying 'thank you so much for the questions - i love questions and they always make me think. i am really thinking so much about your questions and would love to give them real answers - so they might not come as quickly because my computer time is limited by lent, but i will answer, but i think i'll answer on my blog (the other one)' - he was grateful and i think it will be good for me to verbalize a lot of this in my own name. i have had a lot of interaction lately with people from my "old life" and so many of them are curious about my politics and faith journey now. my facebook profile is pretty shocking to those who thought that i thought just like them. especially when they come from the mindset that what they believe is right and true and everything else is scary lies you must be afraid of. i think that reminding them i am still the same person with a lot less to hide now and a much better spiritual life than i ever had when i was pretending might help blow a bit more air in the balloons of their faith and journey. and it will be good for me to articulate it for myself.

well, i've run out of things that i can remember i wanted to tell you about. hope this finds you well and enjoying your upcoming weekends! much love!

3 great recovery quotes

got these yesterday from 'the wisdom of the rooms' and i thought they were such nuggets, too good to keep to yourself!

"The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."

"Do you want to save your ass or your face",

and finally:

Someone once said that he only needed one meeting a week, but went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be.

funny son

buck came up to me this a.m. while getting ready for church and said "hey mom, i know what my answering machine message is going to be when i'm in college" (forward thinking young lad!)

"Hello, you've reached Buck, please leave a message after the swear word bbbbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeppppp"

just wanted to remember this here so i don't forget.

get offa my cloud

i have been a mixed bag lately. really wonderful times of contemplation and enjoyment and snappy, crappy attitudes usually when i'm forced to interact with any human being on the face of the earth. dang. can't everybody just leave me ALONE! it's not really that bad. i love people, just not in my space, face or vicinity...

i am choosing to withdraw from the computer before noon for the duration of lent, so that i am more able to embrace other life-giving things. like reading all of the damn books i'm supposed to for school that i have been avoiding like the plague... i finished a class yesterday as i sent in my paper - it felt so good and freed me up to begin two others. one is enjoyable, one not so much. hermeneutics. damn. i did this all 20 years ago. why do i have to do it again? this text is far more life giving than where i was 20 years ago, but it still screams BACKWARDS to me. i just need to get past it and have it done with, right? so that's on my list and i'm enjoying therese de liseaux, a story of a soul. although i do get a little tired of her naivety and indulgent childhood at times. i guess i'm just jealous. anyway - i spent a couple of solid hours with my nose in the texts this a.m. and it felt good.

then i took a shower and prepared my living room for yoga. i have had this dvd for quite some time, still in the shrink wrap - yoga for the rest of us, produced by pbs and it was wonderful. although sun salutations make me feel like i'm square-dancing in junior high and can't figure out what the hell i'm supposed to be doing and i'm three steps behind the class and getting more frustrated as each call is made. i know i will get it one day, but there has got to be an easier way for my learning skills than trying to watch the screen, see my feet, breathe (dammit i keep holding my breath!) and RELAX! other than that i loved it and can see it really bring me a lot of health and wholeness.

i know that when i am able to memorize the sun salutation poses i will enjoy them as much as the 80 year old women on the tape do - it's so cute!

i made myself a healthy lunch and enjoyed a bit more therese while i turned the heat on in the office. i opened up my facebook and found a message from a guy i went to college with and it has rattled my cage and made me want to lash out at him and all of the rest of the cave men still trapped in that ugly theology.

here's what he said:

Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

I was just kinda glancing over your profile today and noticed that your byline is " I am a storyteller of redemptive truth". Some space above it is a note to run away from people who claim to have truth. So now I'm stuck: Should I run away from you or towards you? :)

UGH! the actual quote that he is referring to is this:

"You should always follow the one who seeks truth and run away from the one who has found it". - Andre Gide

sigh. of course he could just be curious and trying to ask about emergent things without coming right out and talking about it (god forbid it makes it through the grape vine he is conversing with a heretic...) but i instantly assume he is trying to bait me and i want to launch into a defense of myself, having found my voice and a place in the kingdom where i can use it and how their small minded truth damages their souls and the souls of all who follow after them...

and i just can't shake the re-re-rehearsing i'm doing in my head about my response. i just want to blow more air into the balloon and slide the scalpel in so subtly that he doesn't even realize that he is being forced to confront thoughts spiritually that he's never, ever considered. but then i remind myself that i am not the holy spirit and it's not my job to un-convert him... and then i just want to go all feminista on his wall and vent my spleen for all of the neanderthal ways i have had to endure for decades...

breathe... breathe...

hope lent is finding you all well today... breathe...

ps - any good comebacks will be rewarded with my eternal gratitude!

trafficking is torture

emma thompson has a PSA on trafficking, it's very disturbing, but so important. please watch.

I am Elena

via apophenia

Miss Potter

i haven't watched a movie for myself in months. i decided yesterday, as a gentleness break to take some time to watch Miss Potter. it was so beautiful, inspiring, as a woman, an artist and a writer. i fell in love with it.

i had to stop it at the beginning and run and get my journal so that i could write down the quote she opens the movie with:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you."

i knew immediately that i would love this film. i did. it pulled me in as i watched this woman far before her time navigate so many of the areas of life i need assistance and inspiration in. it was beautiful.

a couple more quotes from the film:

"My mother and I have come to an understanding. We've agreed not to understand each other."

and this one, after purchasing a farm connected to her property was my favorite:

"Please sir, I am no longer in the habit of being lectured to and thankfully I no longer require your approval or anyone else's."

beatrix potter was an amazing woman. how i wish i had someone like her in my life now.

they end the movie hearkening back to it's opening quote, but include a bit more:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you. Mine took me here, where I belong."

it is a wonderful story and i highly recommend it.

the flicker of the flame

i still can't seem to get the video i took of the candle loaded, but that image is back in my head today. i am that spastic flame, in the middle of the burning off the junk stage again. i posted after christmas how things were so beautiful and harmonious and it was a special time. it seems to have evaporated in my mind though. i'm so glad i blogged and journaled about it because i don't even know if i'd remember it otherwise. it might feel like a dream somehow.

i'm on my second period this month and the january blahs are here. weepy, tired and wanting to hibernate. i am triggering a lot of memories lately. once during sex with liam a couple of days ago that has left me feeling like bits of myself are floating around me and i want to gather them back somehow, but they are like feathers, airy and ethereal and i just can't seem to bring them back.

i am not afraid of the memory that is trying to surface. i know that when the oral rape memory came back everything made sense again. i know that this will be like it. i have too many questions, too many triggers and too much unexplained rage and emotion that is tying me in knots.

covers tangled, doors or drawers that won't open or close, and some major control issues are bringing up feelings of panic and anxiety. none of these things fit the memories i can hold on to. trapped makes sense, but the doors and covers don't.

i always had an obsession with locking doors as a young girl. i can't count how many times i sat in tears on one side of the bathroom door at a relatives house or a restaurant with my father calmly trying to talk me through the unlocking process as i described to the best of my abilities what the lock looked like. being sent down the laundry shoot at my aunt's, or my cousin crawling in the bathroom window - that makes sense. i was orally raped in a bathroom in my own home when i was 6. but the panic that overwhelms me when a door or drawer won't open properly doesn't fit. i swear i can see my skin turning green and the incredible hulk's arms busting out of my sleeves as i tear the door from it's hinges in my mind.

angry is way better than scared at those moments and i know it is masking some really deep seeded (seated?) fear.

and so i am today that herky, jerky flame longing for the calm of the steady burn, but knowing that there is much junk to burn through until i am able to make sense of it all.

i know i am strong enough to remember. i have run through those who had access to me, i see their faces in my mind's eye and wonder what happened that made me so very afraid. yet still they float just out of my reach, teasing me with their substance, are they real? or just my imagination? why can't i hold on to them and tell them that i am a grown, vibrant women who refuses to be victimized again and wants her childhood back so she can move on to what is next?

just for today i sit with the rage that explodes deep within, rarely shows itself outside of my mind, but seethes underneath hiding the fear of that young red-haired girl wanting to be safe and loved and cared for like she deserved to be. i hold you in my mind today and you are safe. it's okay to remember.

necessary, not primary

from "praying with jesus", eugene peterson.

January 27

"Loaves of Bread"

The Tempter came and said to him,
"If you are the Son of God,
command these stones
to become loaves of bread."

Matthew 4:3

Bread, necessary though it is, is not primary: God is primary. Jesus will let nothing, not even necessary things, interfere with that primacy. Jesus will not use God to get what he wants; he submits himself to being what God wants.

How do you face temptation?

PRAYER: Not what I want, but what you want, O God. Guard me from all temptations to use you to satisfy my appetites. What I want mostly is to acquire new appetites, a hunger for righteousness, that will be satisfied by your word. Amen

as i have begun step 11 i am surprised at how i am having to unpack it.

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge for His will for me and the power to carry that out."

for far too long "bread" has been primary in my life. one of the things i know is that this is not god's will for my life. today god, please give me the power to carry that out.

as a footnote, i found this recovery blog when searching for the exact words for step 11 - it's got some really wonderful truth there and i thought you might enjoy it too:

step 11

singleness of heart

Purity is not a long struggle against that which is impure or forbidden.

Rather is it singleness of heart.

Catch the great thought that from Him,
the Father of Lights,
comes every good and perfect gift,
and therefore nothing outside of God is worth having or craving.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, pg. 154

timely words

"When all the little things really bug me,
it's because there's a big thing I'm not facing."

Irritable, restless and discontent - that's my normal state as an alcoholic. Going to meetings, working my steps, praying and relying on my Higher Power are the ways I get restored to sanity and actually achieve some peace and serenity. But even when I am in a calm space, if little things still bother me I know now to look beyond my alcoholism.

It's amazing how my first instinct these days - even with considerable time - is to deny or ignore things that are uncomfortable in my life. And it's been my experience that not facing what at first appears to be a 'big deal' often turns it into one and quickly makes my life unmanageable. And the first signal I have that I've done this is that all the little things (stuck in traffic, misplacing my keys, a line at the market) start to really bother me.

Today I've learned to acknowledge these things and recognize them for what they are - indications that there is something bigger that I'm not dealing with. As soon as I take the time to look at what's really going on, I immediately begin to feel better. And once I begin to apply the tools I've been given in this program to deal with whatever is going on, I find that it really isn't such a big deal after all.

Today I use the little things to help me become aware of and to deal with the 'big things.'

via - Wisdom of the Rooms

taking on the shadows

i lost it the other day. threats, venom and anger. spewed all over my family. damn. i hate the shame of it all. my kids were scared, bawling and ashamed and i was self-righteous, angry and wounded. liam was confused, guilty and defensive. it was a mess. what should have been a wonderful family day together was scarred by some ugly behavior by all of us (well, buck was pretty innocent, but did whine a few times...). the most frustrating thing was this was a re-run of a family day we had in october when we went to the city to spend time together, shopping at thrift stores, eating out and supposedly enjoying each other's company. i lost it that day too.

liam drew the parallels for me and reminded me of a time in our relationship when we had the same argument on the same steps in front of a restaurant in dallas 3 years apart. sometimes things repeat themselves because we don't learn enough from them the first time.

i am so ashamed. my points were valid, my pain real, but the method of my delivery was abusive and scary. i sat in the drivers seat of the parked car and threatened my family that i was never doing this again. the shadows of the october trip did much of the work for me so very little had to be said. my family knew that day (my birthday) was ruined by temper tantrums and passive aggressive behavior - and my ultimatum in the car - for that trip i drove us home the three hours it took in complete silence.

what i failed to realize was the shame that had crept into my day along the way that pushed the buttons that brought us to that place. my daughter acting like trying on clothes (at the thrift store) was akin to child labor in the coal mines, my son's attention span lasting a whole 15 minutes in a store and persistently asking every five minutes when we would be done. my husband not engaging in the day and missing out on conversations and statements made and blowing past things that were important to me. my own frustration and shame at clothes not fitting, cramped dressing rooms and thrift store merchandise. all of it boils into an ugly stew.

by the end of the time i am shredded.

saturday i had found a spring jacket that i thought was so stylish and made me feel beautiful in. it was tailored and expensive - the tag at the thrift store was even asking $17.99. i tried it on to show liam after all of the drama of the change rooms with my daughter and he looked at me like i had vomit on my clothes. he swears it had nothing to do with the price tag and that he had no consciousness of the look on his face, but i was so demoralized i put everything back on the rack and left the store. i tried to calm down in the freezing parking lot, but obviously it wasn't cold enough to cool the boiling rage i felt inside.

when they returned to the car i began. i didn't swear or scream - but i did threaten and abuse the power i had to instill fear and frighten my kids. this isn't the kind of behavior they are usually party to. i usually only bestow on liam. pink will be 12 this spring and i don't think she's seen this more than twice in her life, but i was brutal. damn.

one of the things we have learned is that when emotions get ratcheted up this high there is always something standing behind them. shadows of unresolved issues from the past that are tweaked and buttons pushed that rarely have anything to do with the situation at hand.

bags must be unpacked, closets opened and aired out if we are going to come to the bottom of this to stop it from happening again. i just am not sure where to start.

i know that the passive aggressive behavior my daughter has found as her weapon lately pushed every button i have. alas, this is why she has chosen it. she has learned from the masters. my husband and mother-in-law use this weapon well and when i see it in her i want to crawl inside and root it out of her brain with a spoon.

the shame of the thrift store looms large for all of us. they are usually dirty, the dressing rooms crowded and ill equipped and the lines you have to wait through just to get one are filled with others who really don't want to be there and are living out their own stories of shame and frustration (except of course for the pack of teenagers who are having an absolute ball trying on hats and weird old men coats - they are the most fun to watch at the thrift store - and i miss that part of me).

how can we carry around so much baggage all of the time. damn my hands are tired. i want to put it down and leave it somewhere to rot.

the family meeting is coming, but i want to wait until the raw emotion has some time to settle and liam and i can have a better understanding of why this returned to haunt us. i am tired of living in the shadows.

fire dance with me

as i sat in silence yesterday i opened my eyes to see that the candle i had lit wasn't working well. it only had this teeny, puny flame that in the light of day wasn't near enough to inspire me. so i went and grabbed another. this one really needed a wick trim, but i so enjoyed the tall flame it cast. i returned to sitting with my eyes closed for a time and when i opened them again i was struck by the black curling smoke coming off of the dancing wick.

i was mesmerized. i watched as the flame jerked and contorted and burned off the dust from the candle wax. then it seemed to flow into a kind of dance where it was swaying in the momentum it had created. and then it was still.

it cycled through that process over and over again. and a small bell rang in my head. this is you. we are burning off the dust. you hate it, fight it, contort, rage and stomp for a period and then you flow into the rhythm that the momentum ignites and you dance until you are able again to be still.

again, i was mesmerized.

eventually i video taped it so that i could remember it and upload it here. i am having difficulty getting it to work, but will do it as soon as i am able so that you too can see the beauty of the dancing flame.

the 12 principles and virtues

i had never heard these before:

1. Honesty
2. Hope
3. Faith
4. Courage
5. Integrity
6. Willingness
7. Humility
8. Brotherly Love
9. Justice
10. Perseverance
11. Spirituality
12. Service

thanks tex!

word for 2008 - complete

dictionary.com

com·plete –adjective

1. having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full: a complete set of Mark Twain's writings.

2. finished; ended; concluded: a complete orbit.

3. having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like; consummate; perfect in kind or quality: a complete scholar.

4. thorough; entire; total; undivided, uncompromised, or unmodified: a complete victory; a complete mess.

5. Grammar. having all modifying or complementary elements included: The complete subject of “The dappled pony gazed over the fence” is “The dappled pony.” Compare simple (def. 20).

6. Also, completed. Football. (of a forward pass) caught by a receiver.

7. Logic. (of a set of axioms) such that every true proposition able to be formulated in terms of the basic ideas of a given system is deducible from the set. Compare incomplete (def. 4b).

8. Engineering. noting a determinate truss having the least number of members required to connect the panel points so as to form a system of triangles. Compare incomplete (def. 3), redundant (def. 5c).

9. (of persons) accomplished; skilled; expert.

com·plete - verb

10. to make whole or entire: I need three more words to complete the puzzle.

11. to make perfect: His parting look of impotent rage completed my revenge.

12. to bring to an end; finish: Has he completed his new novel yet?

13. to consummate.

thesaurus.com

complete
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: total
Synonyms: all, entire, exhaustive, faultless, full, full-dress, gross, imperforate, intact, integral, integrated, organic, outright, plenary, replete, the works*, thorough, thoroughgoing, unabbreviated, unabridged, unbroken, uncondensed, uncut, undiminished, undivided, undocked, unexpurgated, unimpaired, unitary, unreduced, whole, whole enchilada*, whole-hog*, whole-length
Antonyms: condensed, deficient, expurgated, incomplete, lacking, missing, short, wanting

complete
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: finished
Synonyms: accomplished, achieved, all over, all-embracing, all-inclusive, attained, compassed, concluded, consummate, done, done with, down, effected, ended, entire, executed, fini*, finished off, full, full-fledged, home free*, perfect, plenary, realized, sweeping, terminated, thorough
Antonyms: incomplete, unfinished

complete
Part of Speech: adjective 3
Definition: absolute
Synonyms: blank, blanket, categorical, consummate, downright, flawless, impeccable, out-and-out, outright, perfect, positive, sheer, thorough, thoroughgoing, total, unblemished, unconditional, unmitigated, unqualified, utter, whole
Antonyms: incomplete, inconclusive, partial

complete
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: carry out
Synonyms: accomplish, achieve, actualize, cap, carry off, close, conclude, consummate, crown, determine, develop, discharge, do, do thoroughly, effect, effectuate, elaborate, end, equip, execute, fill, finalize, finish, fulfill, furnish, get through, halt, make good*, make up, perfect, perform, realize, refine, round off, round out, settle, sew up*, supplement, terminate, ultimate, wind up*, wrap up*
Antonyms: forget, give up, halt, ignore, neglect

Definitions of complete on the Web:

* having every necessary or normal part or component or step; "a complete meal"; "a complete wardrobe"; "a complete set of the Britannica"; "a ...
* come or bring to a finish or an end; "He finished the dishes"; "She completed the requirements for her Master's Degree"; "The fastest runner finished the race in just over 2 hours; others finished in over 4 hours"
* bring to a whole, with all the necessary parts or elements; "A child would complete the family"
* perfect and complete in every respect; having all necessary qualities; "a complete gentleman"; "consummate happiness"; "a consummate performance"
* dispatch: complete or carry out; "discharge one's duties"
* accomplished: highly skilled; "an accomplished pianist"; "a complete musician"
* complete a pass
* arrant(a): without qualification; used informally as (often pejorative) intensifiers; "an arrant fool"; "a complete coward"; "a consummate fool"; "a double-dyed villain"; "gross negligence"; "a perfect idiot"; "pure folly"; "what a sodding mess"; "stark staring mad"; "a thoroughgoing villain ...
* having come or been brought to a conclusion; "the harvesting was complete"; "the affair is over, ended, finished"; "the abruptly terminated interview"
* write all the required information onto a form; "fill out this questionnaire, please!"; "make out a form"

family game funny

i fasted television last week and that made a lot of room in our family's lives for other things like games. we played lots of mexican train dominoes and apples to apples last week.

one memory i want to retain was the roots to our new inside joke. if you're not familiar with apples to apples it's a wonderful word game - green cards have a descriptive word, one is turned over each hand by one player who is the judge for that turn. the others look through their hand of red cards to find the one that most matches the descriptive card that when filtered through the judge's eyes will most closely resonate with that descriptive word. if the judge picks your word you win a point. (i have no idea if that makes sense - get the game & read the directions!)

anyway - pink turned over the word "fragrant" and the only card i had in my hand that had any "smell" links to it at all was a card that said "homeless shelter" - so now the term - "you smell like a homeless shelter" has sadly worked it's way into our vocabularies. (much better than the other option liam threw - "you smell like dolly parton"...)

perfect peace

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose
imagination is stayed on Thee.
Isaiah 26:3 RSV

makes a bit of difference in the translation, eh? i had never heard this one before today. whose imagination is stayed on thee. when you think about it "mind" is a pretty non-descriptive word for those of us with good imaginations. :)

i am reading through the healing presence by leanne payne for school. it's a slow process for me because it is transforming me. luckily the professor knows me well and is patiently waiting for my paper. he knows that more important things are happening because of this reading.

i awoke this morning with my mind racing. instead of my first thoughts of the day being filled with serenity and hope they are filled with the fear every mother of an infant or sick child knows "is he still breathing?" i loathe this. i have worked hard for my serenity and don't want to trade it for anything. yet those thoughts are so deeply tied into my psyche and the fear of the loss of him that they come unbidden and it is all i can do not to run to his bedside and check to see if his blood sugars are stable.

my imagination gets the better of me. it goes down paths and dark alleys dragging me with it into all sorts of horrid places. friends have abandoned me, family no longer loves me, circumstances and happenings of the past week play with my fears and the world begins to look dark, foreboding and hopeless. none of it is real. it is my imagination left to run unchecked and amped up by massive amounts of "what if...", "did they really mean...", "she really doesn't...", "you're not..." - all of those whispering words spoken into the darkest places of my mind - and i have a very good imagination that can go south at any time.

that's why this verse touched me so deeply this morning. Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose imagination is stayed on Thee. - i am allowing my perfect peace to be stolen each moment i let my imagination run unchecked.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

you know, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

lovely holiday

i haven't taken the time to blog lately, don't really know what that means, but i did want to mention that we had a wonderful holiday together as a family. i worried that i might be "homesick" because my sister was headed to wisconsin to be with my dad and aunt, but upon talking with them on christmas day i realized i was right exactly where i wanted to be.

amazing pecan waffle breakfast, tapas lunch and a prime rib dinner re-embraced the joy of communing around our table. i feel a lot of peace now that i blogged through that last bit. maybe it's your prayers - thank you.

we've just been tucking in here. liam is off for the week and we are doing small projects and hanging out together. we've had mechanic trouble (he's just been so slow at getting everything fixed on the volvo) but it's done now, and computer issues that have seemed to work themselves out. now that the car is back we're heading to the city tomorrow or saturday to do some thrift store shopping - liam has lost at least 40 lbs. slowly since summer and i have dropped a size (i fit into my honeymoon lingerie the other day!) and don't think i've had this body since we got married 20 years ago. sitting with empty really is working. it has somehow become my friend.

i am not weighing myself though as that scale messes with my head. i'll be happy enough to put a size 16 pant on tomorrow and enjoy some clothes that fit again. i told liam that he needed a new wardrobe because he looks like a holocaust victim if he doesn't shave and wears his big baggy clothes. he's dropped at least two sizes. it's amazing how eating one serving and nothing between meals helps me to enjoy the food i do eat and not obsess about it otherwise.

it feels really good. hope all is well in your holiday world!

counting on me

sue from my father's house asked how it was going with buck's JD. i have tried to get words together and onto the blog, but they just haven't come yet. maybe this time they will. i loathe the math that has forced it's way into my life. it is exhausting me mentally. i know that we'll get past this onerous stage, but right now the calculations, counting and numbers make me angry, resentful and tired. i verbalized this at lunch yesterday with my family. i tried to explain the frantic way meal prep feels again. it used to be cooking that overwhelmed me. since moving here i have found a wonderful groove in the kitchen. we have become great cooks and have a lot of healthy, rich, wonderful meals together as a family.

we are making out own instead of pre-packed, reheated grocery store prepped food. it feels so good. but that is part of the problem. prepackaged food comes with this lovely little chart on the side that tells me how many carbs something has. casseroles do not. meat and potatoes is an easy meal to figure out, but much of our menu isn't that lush. we have a budget and mixed up meals are hard to calculate.

each carb has to be counted and treated for buck to function at his best. i told them in tears yesterday that i am so tempted to just hand him a box of lunchables and say "done" (he would love that for a season - lunchables are the be-all and end-all of lunching extravagance in my kids economy). i said if there were breakfast-ables and supper-ables i'd give them to him too - just to be able to have a meal that isn't so freaking exhausting.

it makes me angry that the joy of communing together has been stolen from me (and the level at which this stresses me out steals the joy from the rest of my family...) pre-packaged crap food would be so much easier to feed him. that is why atkins prepackages everything - people who count carbs get tired of it too. yes, there are websites and places like recipezaar give nutritional info on their recipes - but portion sizes are still so random - never does it say "each serving is 1 cup" or 1/2 cup has 12 carbs... the math is basic, but numbers have never been my friend. if i am interrupted at any point in the calculations i have to start over (and over, and over) and i haven't yet found the flow that i know will one day come - but for today it is mind-numbingly frustrating.

the other thing that happened last week was that buck had 2 low episodes at school. they weren't life threatening or even scary - but that means that he is starting to respond to the insulin - and that changes all of the ratios and we have to be much more aware and alert. that level of alert is so tiring. he got up to pee at 3:00 this a.m. and i hopped out of bed to make sure he was okay. i didn't get back to sleep until about 5:30 and had to get up again at 6:30. hyper-vigilance was something i was able to let go of in recovery about 15 months ago - having to re-engage it makes me mad and feels like going backwards.

i told liam this a.m. that it felt like a sick joke that i have just begun to let go of the obsession i had been feeling towards food in the past couple of weeks (it's been amazing btw) and now i'm forced to think about meals and food nearly 1/2 of the day. i'm not obsessing, but i am forced to plan and engage with food like it's my new job.

my recovery is sweeter than it has been in years though and i am reaping the benefits from that. i just need to put some elbow grease into getting some meal plans charted out and have some "thought free" breakfasts and lunches written out so that i'm not spending all of the mental energy i have in the day before 8:00 a.m. when the kids leave for school.

liam and i have both been sitting with empty for quite a bit lately and we are both seeing the changes in our bodies. he's dropped at least 2 sizes and i am feeling so much better in my skin. i am so tempted to weigh myself, but that always does me in, so i am saying no to that scale and allowing my own body to measure itself instead of some random number on a scale. i feel healthy and mostly serene (except when numbers creep into my day!) :)

thanks for asking sue - buck is doing so well. he's amazing and such a sweet kid. it's been such a joy to learn from him as he faces this challenge. he's teaching me so much. i'm thinking about starting a blog for parents with kids and JD - i figure there must be tips and tricks we can learn from each other, and i'd hate for all of this work i'm doing to get organized just to be for me - i just need to think of a catchy name - anyone??

officially freaked out... - updated

at 2:00 today i go to buck's school to talk to the teaching team to get them on board w/ his care. this is totally freaking me out. i'm not sure if it's the exhaustion or just feeling like things will get lost in translation or just that i don't know most of these people other than his homeroom teacher (who i love) - and feel insecure and inadequate or what... but i just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

i'm all fluttery inside and can't even identify what is next. i actually think i inherited liam's anxiety this morning over his open house tomorrow. he's not doing so well either... actually even worse than i am. i know that this is good and rescuing him is not helpful in the big picture, but in the small picture my latent co-dependent genes want to kick in. i committed to only doing what i was asked to by him, and only if i wanted to - and so far he hasn't really asked, so i'm not really helping. his lone-ranger act is going to wear thin soon though. he's sick and got all of the family stress on top of it all.

i just wish i could calm myself down. i figured maybe writing about it might help... and a shower... :)

i am up to this time with the staff - it's teaching and i love to teach. and i don't have to be a diabetic expert - i'm the "buck" expert, right? i want to bend their hearts to my son, and that i am prepared to do. i think more than anything is that i'm afraid i will cry. these are total strangers (mostly) and i go too deep too fast and don't want to leave myself out on a limb i can't climb back from gracefully...

please pray if you are the praying kind. much love!

UPDATE: i don't know what i was so freaked out by... well, maybe i do, but it wasn't the meeting, or at least it shouldn't have been. i think it was the fact that this was the next stage of letting my baby grow. educating the school meant he had to go back. the meeting went so well, it was only the teacher and the resource center teacher who handles this already for a 3rd grader. the plan of care is wonderful, he's monitored well and has ample help and support if/when he needs it. it made me feel like it was actually possible to let go.

buck went to school today and all of the details were a bit overwhelming, but i managed it well and he did fine. he posted the lowest numbers he's had yet at lunch, so there was a bit of concern - but it was handled well and he self-identified not feeling "normal" and went and asked for help.

he has walked to and from school this year and really enjoys it. he has a good friend and really wanted to join him again coming home tonight. those last 10 minutes before he got home were a bit anxious for me, but i saw him come up over the hill and slide around with his friends in the back driveway and it brought tears to my eyes to see him being so "normal" again.

we've got a three day weekend here so the doctor is going to get a bit more aggressive about bringing down his blood sugar to normal levels. we should be able to manage by the end of the weekend. we've still got 2 checks in the middle of the night, but i'm sure i'd be up worried like a new mom the first time her baby sleeps through the night if we didn't right now.

thanks so much for your prayers!

home and exhausted

hi all, don't know how many know as i blogged mostly on my named blog and updated on facebook, (and i can't remember what i wrote here and am to lazy to look) but my son buck is now juvenile diabetic and has a team of incredible doctors/nutritionist/nurse working on his case.

we're home, safe and prepared, but the mental energy it takes to not forget anything is exhausting and i haven't gotten the needed sleep to face even a normal day, let alone this kind of day. i have been writing every day for the past two weeks and my food/abstinence is still good. i'm only eating at meals and have made it through the worst of this storm i think.

hope told me the other day that she could see my recovery was solid because of the way i was able to face this. that meant the world to me. i told her that i have avoided counting and measuring my whole recovery life, so it makes me smile to think i get to do it now out of love for my son instead of out of obligation or legalism for myself. i am learning much.

other than the exhaustion and i fell flat on my butt walking to the house yesterday just was we got home everything is going well. liam is a bit more stressed than normal, but i can't work his program for him, so he'll have to find a way through this all himself. thanks for your prayers - please don't stop. and if you could add pink into the mix we'd appreciate it. she's the only one who really doesn't have anything to "do" for this, so she's feeling a bit left out, some survivor guilt and just the plain old emotions of an 11 year old girl. she's the emotional barometer of our home - and lets us know when we need to be communicating better and spending more time together doing less and being present more.

anyway - i don't even know if this is making any sense, but after lunch i think i'm going to do some good self care and take a nap. much love!

where the rubber hits the road...

remember last week when i said that sitting with empty wasn't the hardest thing i had done and that i figured it was going to get a bit more difficult. well... it has.

i have lost my five pounds of comfort/safety fat and am feeling sexual and feminine again AND (and this is a HUGE AND) my son buck is starting to show signs of something being REALLY WRONG with him physically.

i have always known how blessed we are to have healthy kids. i have watched good friends sit with their own when they are not well and i have regularly counted myself in the "lucky" column on this front. but for the past couple of weeks i have watched as my son adds to the list of symptoms that culminated last night with me scratching his back and feeling his spine and his ribs through his shirt. i had noticed his face had thinned out a lot recently, but chalked it up to a height shift that moves the weight around. it's winter, his clothes are fuller and i honestly can't say that i noticed anything other than that until last night. he's nine. he's growing. but last night i realized when i felt his back that he was loosing weight and not gaining height. i sent him to the scale with directions to call me if his weight was below his marker. 7 lbs! gasp. nine year old boys don't loose seven pounds unless there is something wrong.

i said last week that his uptake in fluids made me concerned as my father is type I diabetic, and it is hereditary (skipping every other generation) - liam brushed me off and i knew that if it was true it wouldn't be the only symptom. the weight loss shows me i'm probably on the right track. liam still thinks i'm making something out of nothing. i know in my heart of hearts i'm not.

these past few nights have been hard not to let my imagination go down some really ugly paths and to stop my anxiety from overtaking my serenity. it's not that diabetes would be the end of the world. i know leaps and bounds have been made in treatment and it is a truly manageable disease. it's the lack of doctors here in this corner of canada that really has me bothered.

buck is the most responsible 9 year old i've ever known. he rarely needs reminded to do anything that he is asked. he is self aware and incredibly confident in asking for what he needs, identifying boundaries that are crossed and explaining himself. i have no doubt that this will be something he can live with and live well with. i just have a concern that he won't get the medical care he will need to face this here.

it is truly my only complaint about living here. this isn't a social medicine thing. i have had the best medical care of my life in canadian hospitals and from canadian doctors. it is a location thing. there just aren't enough doctors. the only one taking patients at this point is incompetent and i refuse to endure her inadequate care for such a large diagnosis and maintenance regime that is necessary for juvenile diabetes.

so today i am going to begin to change the thing i can change. i am contacting the established doctors in our community who would be capable of treating buck to see if they can find the grace to open their practice to let our family into their care.

it's not my favorite thing in the world to do, but i am up to it. but empty and facing this is going to be a true test of my daily commitment to this new abstinence. just for today, right? just for today.

when the light turns on

i spent many years at our last church teaching a sunday morning class to middle schoolers. up until the point that i did it was a dry, dreary, confirmation-type class. the kids hated it and the teachers resented the duty they felt having to be strapped with the obligation to cram these heads full of the information they needed to grow up. i committed to the class only when i got full reign of what i was able to teach and how i planned on doing it.

it became 4 years of real joy. i found a groove with those kids that we all loved. i treated them like they had brains and wanted to learn and they gave me a place to begin to verbalize big thoughts and deep theology in a way that we both could understand it and grow. i loved those kids and they loved me. many stayed in my class once middle school was done because they enjoyed it so much. it wasn't the most popular class, but the kids who came really wanted to learn and knew that i could teach them.

it's one of the only things i truly miss about our last church. i knew i left those kids prepared to own their own faith, ask difficult questions and be okay with answers that weren't all about their heads and not their hearts. i still keep in touch with many of them to this day.

upon the entrance of my very own pink into middle school this year i realized that she was the age of the girls that started in my class years ago. i knew there really wasn't the kind of class that would help she and her friends prepare to own their faith in a real way that would help them navigate through their teen years. liam and i volunteered to do the middle school youth group on wednesday nights and i volunteered to teach sundays for the month of november.

the learning curve for mid-high is L.O.N.G. those boys have the attention span of a common house fly and earning the right to be heard with these young hearts was going to be the biggest challenge that i would face. it took me a week to understand that small tables wasn't going to be the best way to keep their attention. week 2 i circled the chairs and brought out 'the paddle of power' (sarcasm necessary) - a ping pong paddle that you needed to hold if you wanted to share your story with the group.

i decided that i might only ever get these four weeks with them, so i needed to pick my topics well. what were the things over 42 years of life that i would die for? what were the things that i believed were the most important.

i realized that giving them tools to help them build their own spiritual lives with god was what i longed for each of them, especially pink, to know. the first week we talked about being still, silence, solitude and even did a short ignatian gospel reading together. it's the most interactive, talkative class and it's like herding cats sometimes, but i know that there were real, live tools that these kids were taking into the future with them.

the second week we talked about the daily examen. highs and lows and what we can learn about ourselves and following god through listening to our best and worst. it was so lovely to sit with those 8th grade boys, new this week, who had no interest in being in the class, begin to share their highs with the class, then they felt safe enough to share their lows, without me even asking, and they unfolded their lives and stories before me. it was a sacred honor.

last week wires got crossed and i was given "relief" (that i really didn't want) but had planned on talking about confession, and following it up this week with forgiveness. so today i talked with them about both. i pray each week for a word picture or story to help me begin each class with. they always come and are so beautiful and rich as they help the kids engage in the process before they've even realize why i am talking about these things. today i brought a garbage can and a recycling bin into the middle of the circle.

they sat there for a few minutes ignoring them until finally one curious girl finally asked "what are these doing here?" we spoke of the gift that god has given us to be able to clean up the messes we make with confession and forgiveness. the garbage can was used in so many different ways to talk about what happens when we ignore our messes, or what happens when someone gives us their garbage to carry by hurting us.

i saw lights turn on in eyes today. bright beautiful lights. in bright, beautiful eyes. what a gift to be able to help these young souls understand the gift that confession and forgiveness bring to their lives.

i had a father come up to me after the class. he's a former pastor who's been through his long, laundry list of abuse by the church, and tell me how much his two kids like having me for a teacher. it's nice to hear from him, but i could see it in their own eyes today. i have missed that light.

years ago i thought that i was given children to teach because others thought i wasn't skilled enough to teach adults. what i found out was that i loved it. those young minds are such a joy.

seeing the size of the cloth

a reader of this blog and a new friend just sent me this poem - i thought it was so beautiful i should share it here:

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and send you out in the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shehab Nye

via - tikkun

in

for those of you following my empty journey or taking one of your own i give you these words that were given to me this morning.

i have been reading praying with jesus by eugene peterson. i got off track during school so i'm a bit behind. that always seems to have a purpose, and today's entry (which was really november 12th's entry) is well timed. i have had three good days of sitting with empty. being satisfied with my one serving at each meal and not eating anything between meals, and then sitting with the feeling after each meal as the fullness starts to fade and the empty starts to rise, and letting that be that and not panicking and stuffing it. it's not the easiest things i've ever done, but it's not the most difficult thing either.

i know there will be days it will be harder than these past few have been. but i feel like i'm back on the beam a bit more fully than i have been in a while.

the readings have been in john 14 and are very timely as i mentioned. yesterday's was about jesus not leaving us orphaned and promising us the spirit of truth. today's was titled "in". john 14:20-21:

"...I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. They who have my commandments and keep them are those who love me; and those who love me will be loved by my Father, and I will love them and reveal myself to them."

"In" is the preposition of intimacy and one of the most important words in the gospel. It is later picked up by Paul and used in his famous formula "in Christ." Jesus sets us in a relationship of intimacy with himself by which we experience the fullness of God.

PRAYER: Jesus, I know that you will not leave me empty or orphaned. I thank you for the promise of your presence. Invade, invigorate, inspire by your Spirit. Amen.

if anyone remembered my angry, angry, angry post you'll know that parent junk and empty junk is a lot of what i'm processing right now. the promise not to be orphaned or empty (linked together) is pretty incredible for me and i hope it might be for you too.

today being an uncelebrated thanksgiving for me (in the usual, lots of family, big turkey dinner sense) seems fitting to my orphaned, empty state. but it isn't driving me to stuff myself. it is helping me to know that those two things are not true, and even if they were i would still be okay. i am really missing my extended family today, but i am thankful for what i do have and for where i am. in.

my new corner of the world

my computer and desk have a new home, it's quiet and lovely. i am enjoying it immensely, but it is really quiet. like i don't know if i can hear the doorbell or the telephone ring quiet.

no television, kids playing noise or anything. i'm almost worried i'll miss something.

but i guess the kids know where i am and so here i sit, under my eaves, at my little desk and type.

i treated myself today. i had some blueberry coffee beans i bought from benbows of bar harbor and enjoyed it in my 2 cats mug, lit my patchouli candle and savored my solitude (my son called home from school sick, but he was far away in his room).

this is definitely a place to find "empty"...

i wrote an email to my therapist and told him that i no longer wanted to make friends with empty. i wanted to hunt it down and beat it with a stick. this is harder than it sounds.

anyway, i leave you with a picture from my new office.

making friends with the enemy

i saw my therapist today. he's also a friend, one of my pastors and a professor in the program we're doing. it's great because he knows much of my story already so there isn't a lot of time needed to fill him in.

i went to talk about finding better tools to deal with the anger i was feeling so that i didn't become any more destructive to myself or the people around me.

i had two papers due for his counseling class and i used them as opportunities to process some of the stuff i'm going through. i'm sure most of his students don't go so deep or so personal, but i figure if i'm going to do the work i might as well use the process to pull at this tangle of emotions and memories i'm dealing with. it also helped because he knew in advance a lot of what i wanted to talk about.

he's such a gentle, peaceful person. unflappable and even. i really like that about him. his ability to listen and tug at the threads of the story i share really helps me to unravel a lot of the knots.

at one point i talked about how i didn't even care if i ever worked out the anger i had toward my mom because what i really wanted was for it not to push my buttons any more. i said "is it any wonder (after talking about the purging she did to me) that being full is so important to me?"

he listened and then circled back to that place. asking me questions about why full is so important and how empty feels. at first blush i said that empty feels like panic. i know i'll get more from sitting with the word, but right now empty is this place that feels like there won't be enough. that the need will go unmet, so i must fill it myself. that full stops everything from being unmanageable (how we delude ourselves in addiction, eh?) and stops the panic.

he asked if i have ever sat with empty before. he talked of how many addicts find that through their sobriety they find that the thing that was once their enemy becomes their friend - they know that when they begin to feel the emotion/feeling that had set them off before now becomes an indication that their sobriety working, instead of their addiction winning. (i hope this is making sense - it does to me at least). so if i can begin to see empty as something that helps me to know i'm healthy and on the right track, instead of something wrong or broken i might be able to turn it from an enemy into a friend.

that was a tool i had never, ever thought about before. making friends with the enemy...

he also talked about the peace that follows empty - if i can ride out the wave of the panic to the other side, peace waits for me there. i'm not sure i believe him, but he has proven himself to be quite knowledgeable and very trustworthy so i guess i'll give it a try! :)

he also helped me to identify some times in the day when things are the most difficult and begin to make plans to change them. to figure out how to find pleasure in the things i do eat instead of the counterfeit pleasure i have in feeling full (which usually brings with it shame and guilt). to enjoy and savor the things i do eat to their fullest instead of feeling the need to stuff myself full to sate the feeling of empty.

finding something to do that "fills me up" after supper instead of having seconds (or thirds) because i'm so drained and dragged out by that time of the day. creating some space that gives me the ability to read and enjoy myself away from the living room and the television and the chaos that evening usually brings to our home. and maybe directing our family's attention to something more life giving and whole than just sitting and watching that stupid television that steals and stupefies instead of gives and inspires.

anyway, lots to think about and some better tools to work through these part of the tangle.

i guess i owe him some money too

via savage chickens

i'm not sure what this means

Your Aspie score: 117 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 103 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits

i'm not exactly sure what this means, but i have wondered about this for some time especially in watching my daughter interact socially and knowing it is so very like myself.... anyone know a bit more about this??

Aspie-quiz

angry, angry, angry

i have been blindsided by anger these past couple of weeks. absolutely blindsided. the murder of my girlfriends daughter by her husband awoke such violence within me. it gave me a face to hate. a face to channel my rage toward. that ugly, mouth-breathing, festering rot of a human being awoke a place in me that i really thought i had worked through. i did deep anger work a couple of years ago - and i'm not naive enough to believe that i wouldn't need to circle back, but dang this has spun me back so fast and so furiously that i can't seem to catch my breath.

i wrote to a blogger friend last night about some other issues i'm dealing with. i'm just going to quote it here because i am crunched for time today.

the deepest places in me want to be stuffed with food to make everything better. i know it's not better, ever with this stupid way of coping, but anything else just seems stupider. hurting and not doing anything about it seems senseless. at least anesthetizing the pain feels like i'm doing something...

i have been so angry and reactionary lately. i did some deep emotional work during the ignatian prayer class and realized that my mom gagged me twice in the bathroom. once because i ate baby aspirin and once because i ate maraschino cherries - both times out of the liquor cabinet - just a kitchen cupboard, but where they stored their booze - and both times because i was too old to take the nap she tried to make me take so she could pass out on the couch, i got bored and when she woke up and saw the empty jars she was ashamed/angry/scared and took it out on me by inducing vomiting with her nasty cigarette stained fingers as she me held over the toilet.

both of these times were right after the rape, in the same bathroom with the same exact motion. i realized that basically i was raped three times that summer, twice by the woman who was in such denial that she didn't protect me the first time and perpetrated it two more times. is it any wonder why feeling full is so important to me? empty means scary, lack of control and violated. full means safe.

damn.

i am so angry at her. and at my stupid father for not doing anything about it either, and for talking at his birthday party this summer about that very same party where i was raped with jokes and laughs about how drunk he was and how at the end of the party he and another guy ran down the road to the lake and jumped in and he lost the $200.00 my grandfather had just given him. i sat there and thought "old man, you lost way more than that that day" - he knew too. he knew i was raped that day. we have talked about it before. and then on my own birthday he never even bothered to call. i am so angry. so very angry.

sorry to unload on you, but i just have to get this junk out and now that i've started i just can't stop. i think i'll probably clip some of this into a blog post.

i just keep snapping at liam and the kids. i have no patience at all. i know i need to start therapy again. dang i hate winter. i can feel it creeping in on me already. i don't want to go outside because it's so cold and so i'd rather just isolate myself. i hate it.

i love this community and everything else is going so well. i just really need to get some closure on this junk i've mucked up. i can't do it on my own.

okay, now i have to go and get this day started. thanks for listening.

don't miss this blog post

thank you sarah louise for linking to this. i laughed until i almost threw up - it hurt i laughed so much:

Strap in, Shut up and Hold on: We're going in

it is well with my soul

have you ever made a really big mistake that costs more money than you can afford? we did last month. it was stupid. innocent, but stupid. it cost us $700 that we just did not have. it put us in debt and broke our hearts. it didn't have to happen. we could have avoided it. but we really went on the best information we thought we had.

public health care in canada is a lovely thing. not as wonderful on the rural, east coast as it is in major urban centres of ontario, but i am still so grateful i don't have to keep a job i hate to keep us insured. supplemental insurance in canada is a wise thing to add - prescriptions, optical & dental can be had as a small extra, private plan. we finally got to the place last spring where we could afford this and started the plan. we had a six month waiting period for dental and optical coverage. we figured that we had waited 2 years, we could wait six more months. and here the big, dumb, innocent, yet dumb mistake happened. we thought the waiting period was over in october and i scheduled the whole family for full optical and dental exams. the co-pays coming all together were a lot, but we finally had coverage - we were going to use it.

actually though the six month waiting period didn't really start until november. we never checked. either of us. we just went on the assumption that we had coverage. $700 later every claim was rejected and our hearts were broken. do you know how far we can stretch $700?? that's a huge amount in our economy. i was angry, so angry with myself and liam that we hadn't checked. it was a stupid mistake and we were heartbroken.

liam called our insurance guy and asked him to plead our case. he half-heartedly tried and said "nothing i can do". i figured that $700 is over a weeks pay if i was to go out and find work, so maybe i could put some effort into being the persistent widow and find out if our insurance company had one just judge among the many. i prayed that i could stay calm and level headed. that i would own my mistake and plead my case as honestly and heartily as i was able.

on friday i got the standard call center response "i'm sorry, we can't waive the waiting period, it's non-negotiable" - i explained to her that i realized that she probably didn't have the power to make a decision like this, but that i knew that there would be someone in her company who might be able to. i thanked her for her time and asked to speak to her supervisor. i received the standard "no one is here who can help you, but i can take your information and they will contact you" line. she was professional, but clearly i was asking far too much. she assured me someone would call me monday to discuss this. i figured this was only the first link in a very long chain i would have to endure to earn the right to be heard by the right person.

at 9:01 this morning the phone rang. i said to liam jokingly "yah, that's the insurance company calling" and you know what? it was. i got on the phone expecting to plead my case again and said "we have made a huge mistake. we feel horrible and we aren't trying to get one over on anyone..." she cut me off. i expected the worst when she said "i was just calling to tell you that the company has decided to pay all of your claims." i'm still tearing up 4 1/2 hours later as i type this. i was shocked. i am not sure, but i don't know if i have ever felt as heard as i felt at that moment. i truly felt heard by god and heard by this company and that mercy and justice had moved to meet our need.

we try so hard to live simply and generously and within our means. this $700 means we are not in debt and are able to celebrate the holidays without that horrible pressure on us. i am so grateful. i wept before god for a good 20 minutes. i am moved again to tears. justice is a beautiful thing.

in one of our classes our professor talked about the difference between the "right answer" and the "beautiful answer" - it would have been right for the insurance company to make us pay for our mistake, but it wouldn't have been beautiful. they clearly could afford to eat this more than we could. it was so kind of them to realize that and step in for us. it is the beautiful answer and i am so grateful.

i have battled insurance companies since my mother's death back in the 80's. i have never had an outcome like this. i couldn't have been more surprised and shocked by this.

i wrote a poem the other night at the sacred writing workshop. he taught us about repetition in poetry and asked us to use a phrase that had been sticking in our heads to engage creatively in this process. still pondering the theme of bread i had been stuck on the line "what father gives a stone when his child asks for bread?" i wrote about six lines feeling the joy of god's provision and then it shifted, right there, in the middle of the room with 20 other people, and i thought about all of the stones i had been given along the way. anger boiled in me. instead of the joy of receiving bread i began to think of all of the rocks. it stuck in my throat and i couldn't write another word. we were then asked to read our psalms out loud. i panicked and realized how much of myself i was going to show to this room of virtual strangers. there was nothing else i could do.

what father gives a stone when his child asks for bread?

i was one of the last to go and the whole time i kept saying to myself, "it's okay, some psalms are angry and full of lament - maybe someone else will connect with this emotion instead of sugary, sweetness" - it was enough to get me to open my mouth. it was over quickly and i tried not to think about it anymore. i figured i could make more of it than anyone else would. afterward a woman i had never met before came up to me and told me that she could tell there was lots of emotion behind my words and that she appreciated them.

today is a day for bread. i am grateful. it is well with my soul.

i laughed so hard i cried

do not read this with food or liquid in your mouth...

babies crush theories - entry 3

To Be a Great Poem

This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul--and your very flesh shall be a great poem.

Source: Preface to Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman

via