Monday, October 31, 2005

HOME - four sweet letters!

just in time for queen amadala and annikin skywalker to trick or treat. it was their only wish, and they have been so flexible and wonderful these past three weeks. have i told you i have the best children on the planet??

well, off to hand out candy!


Saturday, October 29, 2005

new hampshire to new york

just a quick in - we're in the tiny corner of new hampshire last night and heading to new york to visit my sister and her husband for the weekend.

looking so forward to being back in our home, our town, not so much, but out home definately!

we're all holding up well, would appreciate your prayers as i would really like the time with my sister to go well, it could get stressful as we're pretty thin on resources. we're only staying with them sunday night, so i hope it is a time of reunion, not re-hashing...

much love!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

from the garden state to st. andrews by the sea

we are HERE! and it's amazing. liam and i just talked about how very much it feels like home. it really feels like we've been here before - it's so much like us and where we are spiritually. barring any slammed doors by god it looks like we have a good lead on 'next'. i'm blogging in an internet cafe at st. andrews by the sea, new brunswick.

what a trip! that last 7 hour push was brutal. we hit rain in new hampshire 2 days ago and it didn't stop until this morning. it's still drizzling, but not nearly the levels of torrential rain and ice pellets we endured yesterday through maine.

up until that point we really hit every state at full fall peak - who would have ever thought that we would have had the fall northeast tour that people only dream about. it was glorious!

the school is called st. stephens university and they have a masters in ministry program - it's all round table and interactive and we'll both possibly be able to work toward our degrees here. they are really doing the kind of learning together that inspires our souls. training leaders for the next century - not the last - what a concept!

we also got to have a great visit in the garden state with anj and her wonderful family on the way up. what a wonderful surprise to the visit. i was unable to connect with a good friend in boston, but it was right as the storm hit, so it was probably best we landed in portland, maine when we did.

pray all is well with you - drop me a line in the comments - i'd love to know how you're all doing!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

library access

hi ya'll - blogging here at the library in virginia - it is the first time my fingers have touched the keys since i last blogged - man do we need a laptop!

all is well - we're here at massanutten resort until sunday a.m. (tomorrow) and then we're heading to a over night in new jersey. we'll actually get to see anj (yipee!)as i forgot our passports and they're being fed-exed to anj so we can all get back over the border on the trip home... well, we might have to leave liam :p - but we're hoping they'll hear our plight and allow him back until the 'big move'...

the church agreed to foot the bill for the trip to new brunswick - amazing but true - and we're doing the loop starting tomorrow until the 31st - it will be a lot of driving, but we'll get 3 nights and 4 days in st. stephens to visit the area, see the sights and most importantly meet the people.

it's an anxious time and we're all a bit tired of hotels and condo life - i know that sounds so spoiled - but home sure looks good right about now!

nywc pittsburgh was a great experience - exhausting and not nearly the 2nd honeymoon we were hoping for - but we were able to encourage youth workers and hear many stories along the way. it was enriching to be useful again. it's amazing how serving gets into your blood... when it's missing it leaves quite a void.

it was also great to finally meet lilly lewin and stephanie (unfinished) of blogging fame. (sorry, not enough time to do links!)

well, i've got tons of reservations and maps to google - miss you all - wish i had time to sit here and read your blogs! hope all is well in your worlds! if i get access to a computer along the way i'll keep you posted! much love!

Monday, October 10, 2005

d is for departure

headed to the convention today. i'm not ready and rather lacidasical about it on the outside, but inside i'm churning. i just want to get to pittsburgh and not be 'in charge' any more! too many things to think about right now. i had an ideal list of what i wanted to accomplish before we left and reality is just evening those things out. the house is clean enough and the laundry is done. just wanted to pack the kids clothes for next week so i didn't leave so much for my mother-in-law to do, but i think i'm going to let that one go.

i'll email her a list this week and she and the kids can gather it all up together like a scavenger hunt! :)

have a great week! i'll try to post if i get near a computer.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

how to suprise your husband

we decided to skip church this a.m. to give us an extra window of time to accomplish everything we need to do before we depart for nywc tomorrow (and possibly 3 weeks away from home). lots of laundry happening here. i had just turned the wet clothes into the dryer and started another load.

my father and liam were doing some work at the washing machine as i headed upstairs. i sat down at the computer and realized i couldn't hear the dryer, meaning that i forgot to turn it on. i walked back downstairs and found liam and my dad in conversation with their backs to me at the washing machine. i touched liam's butt to ask him to move out of the way and he turned around with a shocked look on his face, and then relief.

'oh good, i didn't know you were down here.' meaning he was concerned at the possibility of a goose from my dad. we all had a quite a good laugh.

A Fast Track to Toilet Training for Those at the Crawling Stage - New York Times

i don't know how i feel about this, and won't ever have the chance to do it for myself, but i am fascinated by it and thought i'd bring it to other's attention if they are able to make this choice???

A Fast Track to Toilet Training for Those at the Crawling Stage - New York Times

Saturday, October 08, 2005


liam's former intern j came for dinner last night. it was wonderful to sit and talk with her. she's been so torn in this as liam recommended her to fill in until they found his replacement. she feels like a traitor to us, and is so confused. it seems like too much of a weight for her 21 year old shoulders to bear. we reassured her last night of our love for her, our apologies that we may have set her into a situation that is too big for her to bear and the reassurance that it's okay for her to still love that church and us at the same time.

it was so fresh to have her vivacious personality and passion in our home. she is so dear to us, and is torn between her christian college education and what she feels in her bones to be true.

she spoke of her frustration at a choice the church is making. she was unable to put it into words, and when i pieced together her thoughts i realized she was feeling the same frustration we have felt along the way. i verbalized my own issues and the light turned on in her eyes and i saw that she had the moment of being understood and not feeling alone.

the church has two families that were displaced by katrina. one of the most positive aspects our old church is their generosity. the families started wish lists and the church met those lists in abundance. j talked about the little 'house' that is being built on the stage of the worship center for sunday - so that all of the donations can be placed around it. she couldn't put her finger on why this bothered her, she wasn't sure if it was the waste of money the useless structure was costing or what exactly it was, but she knew it made her feel unsettled.

i heard her speak of this and my stomach turned. i felt so ill, and spoke of how something so beautiful and generous was being turned into a 'photo op' for the senior pastor. how he was using all of this to make himself and his church 'feel generous'. i talked about the wounding this will bring to those two families who are forced up onto that stage like animals to receive their gifts - it makes me sick to even type this. those families have gone through so much horror, to force them into being trophies and to turn honest people's generosity into a show is so sickening. i want to stumble in there tomorrow morning 'mid show' like the prophet of old shaking my finger and railing against the abuse. it's just so very wrong.

another thought popped into my head while i was typing this. some of our friends are involved in the 'power point' aspect of 'the show' - i'd love them to make a slide of matthew 6 and put it up on the screen while he is making his big presentation...

Matthew 6

The World Is Not a Stage

1"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding.

2"When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure--"playactors' I call them--treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. 3When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. 4Just do it--quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

update: after posting this i still felt so unsettled. i emailed the head elder's wife voicing my concerns, stating that it's really none of my business, but by not saying anything that could stop it from happening i felt like an accomplice. i'm still shaking inside. i would have never done this if liam had still been on staff. i'll keep you posted.

Friday, October 07, 2005

five golden rings

liam and i were talking the other day about our childhoods and i shared something with him he never knew before. i don't know that i had ever spoken it out loud to anyone.

one of my favorite memories of my early years took place in 3rd grade. i blogged about my 2nd grade experience here and re-reading it brought back so many memories for me.

my 3rd grade teacher was mrs. morris. she was also my kindergarten teacher. as i spoke about this time to liam i realized how much this woman meant to me. kindergarten was a wonderful experience for me, mrs. morris made it safe and fun and filled with wonder. i was very happy to have her again in 3rd grade. when i spoke of this to liam i realized that meant she was my teacher before the rape, and after.

i told him of the highlight of my acting career. every year the school would have a christmas program. this was a highly creative school and it was far more than 9 christmas carols sung by each grade - each class had a wonderful production of their own and mrs. morris decided that year we would base our production on the 12 days of christmas. now there were 21 kids in our class - so to fit them all into '12' she had to be very creative.

a low kind of puppet stage was placed in front of all of us and when it was time for our portion of the song we were to stand up sing our part and perform the small routine we had learned. you know the song, the five golden rings is the feature of the carol - it's held out and repeated so many times in the song. i told liam how amazed i am now that i was chosen to be the '5 golden rings girl'. there were so many in our class who were more popular, fit the pretty child mold and were far bigger hams for the part. somehow she gave it to me.

i think it was because she saw the change. between the girl she knew 3 years prior and the girl that i had become. i think she saw the spark that was gone from my eyes, that i needed greatly to be the '5 golden rings girl' and feel feminine and honored. my 'costume' was a glamorous long formal glove that went all the way up my little arm, and on each finger (thumb included) i had a large chunky ring of costume jewelry. when it was my turn i stood, held out my hand to display my rings and belted out 'five golden rings'. standing between the 4 calling birds and the 6 geese a laying i felt like a princess.

i'm sure she has passed on, but mrs. morris is one person i hope i meet in heaven. her nurture and care of that little red haired girl meant the world to me and i am so grateful for her involvement in my life.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

on your mark... get set... go

well, liam and i have just finally sat down and mapped out october. it is going to be a full one, filled with lots of wonder and travel. it hardly seems real.

my in laws arrive on monday to watch the kids while liam and i volunteer at the nywc next week. all expenses covered to go and encourage youth workers - it hardly seems like we should be paying them instead. i can't imagine anything we'd rather do right now, and it will be a wonderful time spending a week with the two of us in the 'big city'.

the next week the inlaws are taking our kids to massenutten, va for a vacation and we're following tuesday after we help pack up the convention. we're there for almost a week and then, drum roll.... we think we're heading up to new brunswick to look at the school liam (and possibly i) are interested in attending...

this is HUGE and a large part of what 'next' might actually look like. we've still got tons of details to confirm and set up - but we know that if it's a real possibility we've got to get up there to look around and see if it's a 'real possiblity'. 3 weeks away - i can hardly believe it.

i am so looking forward to being away from town! we've become evil reminders to our friends at how shallow they are for staying at a church that would make such crummy choices and not expose the sin that lead to all of this. nobody really wants us around - they'd much rather live in their denial and chaotic lives, so we've decided to let them! (gracious of us isn't it??)

the children's director (god forbid she'd be called a pastor...) just took pink and buck out for lunch. i guess it was her attempt at soothing her soul, it was a nice gesture though. pink and buck really didn't want to go, but did anyway. afterward she sat at our dining room table, trying to encourage us, but so unable to live in the reality of her 'two truths' that it was just painful for all of us. i guess it's easier for everyone to believe the spin.

i'm at the point of just wishing they'd all just leave us alone. we were doing so great before she arrived, making plans for our future, now we just feel like our fish tank got stirred and all of the muck is floating around again. come on filters - get rid of the junk please!! :)

so that's what's happening at our house. what's life doing at your's??

god’s sense of economy

i can't tell if i love living in a world where a waiter gets the kingdom better than most pastors, or if i hate the kind of world where pastors have less understanding of god's economy than this guy? » Legion

90-9!!! - Senate bill would impose restrictions on treatment of prisoners: "Delivering a rare wartime slap at Pentagon authority and President Bush, the GOP-controlled Senate voted 90-9 on Wednesday to back an amendment that would prohibit the use of 'cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment' against anyone in U.S. government custody, regardless of where they are held."

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

act now to end torture

i just received this email and called my senators:

Today could be the day. In just hours the Senate is likely to vote on Senator John McCain's anti-torture amendments.

Today our government might finally make clear and absolute the U.S. military's ban on the use of torture - something they should have done long before the atrocities took place at Abu Ghraib, in Afghanistan, and elsewhere. With a vote expected tonight, now we have our chance.

If ever there was a time for you to take action to help end U.S.-sanctioned torture, NOW IS IT. With just a brief moment of your time, you can help us win this crucial vote.

Call your Senators TODAY to win their support for this all-important legislation.

It is simple and only takes 2 minutes. Tell the staffer who takes your call:

* I am calling to urge my Senator to vote YES on Sen. McCain's amendments tonight.
* These amendments will ensure our troops will get the guidance they desperately need.
* The Senator has a moral and legal obligation to ban cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment.
* These amendments will draw a much-needed line between appropriate interrogation techniques and the horrible abuses I've read about in the papers.

It is easy to make the call - and critical to ensuring success tonight.

Call now. Please don't delay. Your Senators are likely voting TONIGHT.

please do the same!!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

mommy needs to go back to 2nd grade...

that was the comment my daughter's 2nd grade teacher made because of the mistakes i made correcting her math homework two years ago. it was the biggest clue to help me realize that my daughter and i have the same math processing dysfunction. she would make the same basic math mistake i would have and my eyes and brain would never catch it. her teacher did, and although it stung she was right. even the most basic math causes me to break out into a cold sweat.

so today is 'math test day'... i became so stressed out by the fact that my children were being tested - but really their teacher was being tested even more. if they failed, i failed. and i HATE TO FAIL! it makes me feel so stupid, rakes up all of my childhood shame and makes me want to hide.

so to top it off my son finishes the first page of his test and says 'hey mom, i've got pink's test, not mine. i was wondering why this was so hard...'

it's a good thing we've got support with the cyberschool otherwise my children would be s.o.l. poor kids.

Generous Orthodoxy ThinkTank: Violence and Falsehood

one of the most amazing articles i've ever read - life changing!

Generous Orthodoxy ThinkTank: Violence and Falsehood


Monday, October 03, 2005

has it really been a year?

well, probably a bit less than a year, but nearly that long since i really exercised. yuck. how very sad, pathetic actually. but today, yes today i did something about that. it wasn't great and grand, but i swam and water jogged while the kids had their lessons - and it was a start.

i know that if i don't get on top of this it will get on top of me. my strength and endurance are at an all time low - so now that we have a 'y' membership i'm going to commit to really making some changes, even if they are small ones.

Earth Institute Event - bono & sachs

makes me want to hop a plane to nyc - only $25 to hear bono and sachs speak! what a great opportunity!

Earth Institute Event

60 Seconds With Jeffrey Sachs

great read - very hopeful!

60 Seconds With Jeffrey Sachs

Sunday, October 02, 2005

about me

life has grown past my 'about me' portion of my blog. i am no longer 'trapped' in/by the church. it feels wonderful. so this morning i took some time to write out my new 'bio'. it's still vague, and i'm still anonymous, but i realized that it's still working for me.

i'm working on a different idea to own my name/voice/face in the blogosphere, will keep you posted if/when that comes together.

so here is my new 'about me', i'm blogging my old one here too so i can see how far i've come:


this is an anonymous blog. it started that way because of necessity. i felt trapped by the church into silence as an opinionated woman. we're now in transition, what will be next? we don't know yet. now this blog is anonymous by choice. i'm still learning to own my voice. many of you know who i am. i am not hiding anymore, but i am still trying to tune the instrument that is my voice. sometimes it seems like there is only an 'on' and an 'off' switch. kind of like a fire hose. that's what happens when silence is enforced on those who need to speak. so, please bear with me. i'm finding my voice, i'm learning to own those controversial things about myself in public. it's taking a lot of courage and practice. i know they will both come when the time is right.


this is an anonymous blog to vent, grow, challenge myself and find my voice. i am a woman in a man's church and saying some of the things i need to say may have more consequenses than i want to deal with right now, so this is my alternative, an anoymous blog. you can call me bobbie.

who is bobbie? bobbie was my mom, she was a woman in a man's church too. she never found her voice. maybe this blog will help both of us recover what was lost to us, what we wanted to say, were told we couldn't say and heal the rift that was created between our souls and god.

she was such a strong woman. i hated her for that. the church told me women were supposed to be meek, mild and silent. she managed that at church, but at home she failed miserably. i thought her a hypocrite, and i resented her and her inability to be "submissive". how little i understood then and how i'd love the chance to tell her 'i get it now.

Saturday, October 01, 2005


okay, i know the more time you spend with your pet the more it looks and acts like you - does that hold true for computers too?

mine has become unstable... :)

we are in need of an upgrade, and have identified the parts, just ordering them tonight and hopefully will have them in early next week. sigh.

hope all is well in the blogsphere - somebody call me if anything really important happens, k?