i detect a theme

peace on earth

this picture was one of those that my son decided to jump into as seems to be his habit lately. he's a bit of a ham. i was getting frustrated with him as he was WRECKING ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT DAMMIT, JUST SMILE AT THE CAMERA AND LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING FUN ALREADY!...

sigh...

turns out i like this picture more than most i took that afternoon while we decorated our christmas tree together. it reminds me of what's important and that real is so much better than pasted on fake. so peace to you during these next few days of hustle and bustle. peace to us all.

st. lucy day

i am scandanavian by heritage and growing up i had no spiritual heroines - so st. lucy, the bringer of the light was such a gift to me when i heard about her a few years back.

i so wanted pink to grow up differently than i did - so i figured celebrating santa lucia was a great way to do that. the first year we even made saffron buns, did the wreathe, the white nightgown and candles - it was beautiful. last year we decided that the buns weren't that good, and we liked our raisin tea biscuits better, so we made them instead. this year she had been asking about it (we celebrate st. nicks day for buck and we draw names and make home made presents that we leave in each others shoe the night before) for weeks. i really thought she was looking forward to it.

after our party set up last night (our small group is hosting a blast of a christmas party for our church tonight (my idea) at the university) she intimated that she was feeling put out and her best friend even voiced in about how much work it was for her. it was the first time i have been 'triangulated' by my daughter. i know it won't be the last, but i must say it stung. i don't do social situations well in the first place, let alone with all the weird stress between liam and i - and so this on top of it just bruised me.

i reassured her that st. lucy day was never a punishment and if it wasn't working for her that we could let it go. i grieved it a bit this a.m. as i awoke (liam and i had a lovely morning talk and cleared a lot of the air around here). i realized that sometimes i push on pink those things that i want so badly for myself. so i internalized st. lucy day and was determined to bring the light myself.

as i was getting ready for the party luciano pavaroti's santa lucia came on itunes and i realized again that today was st. lucy day - the day of the party i have been planning for over a month. how beautiful that it was a day that i get to bring light to my community.

i am dressed in my most favorite new clothes, feeling like $10000000 and holding the light inside. no expectations, just going to be present to my community and enjoy all of the hard work i have done with my beloved friends to prepare.

happy saint lucy day!

hope deferred

this verse is running through my head this morning:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

i am heartsick. liam's reassurances the other day truly caused hope to blossom in my life. he told me that W (how i'm going to refer to the therapist, i think his presence will play a big role in my blogging over the next few months, and i can't keep calling him "the therapist"...) had assigned him some remedial connection time with me. fool that i am i believed that he might actually be serious in following through with it. it was just a connection time each night (well, i thought it was supposed to be each night, he said he never said that - it was only supposed to be a couple of times, but it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened once), hold my hands, look into my eyes and do something simple together like the daily examen or something like that.

that was like an oasis in the distance to my dry, parched soul. i am so angry at myself for really believing he would do it, try it, attempt it, at least once.

every night after dinner i waited, anxious, hopeful, passive. i knew it wasn't my work to do, so most nights i retreated to our room to work on my own step work (resentments.. ironic how this is pairing with this phase in his recovery, it's bringing such pain and anger to the surface for me) so that i am not tempted to work his program, but do my own. i ended up crushed, wounded and defeated. i tried to be patient, wait and interact like a grown up. i even expressed my feelings on a walk to our kids christmas party the other night, hoping that might engage him in the process again. i figured that his own shame in having to face W today would at least motivate him to give it a try. last night he didn't even attempt it. plopped himself down in front of that damn television while i read in our room. alone. again. naturally.

last night was my meeting night. i knew that two of the faithfuls had a work christmas party, but hoped that others might show up. we had six last week. nope. last night i was alone. again. naturally.

i set up everything. everything. i laid out the literature, even though i knew no one would show. i surrounded the table with chairs i knew would sit empty. i read aloud to an empty room because i was there. i showed up. i needed that meeting last night like i needed the air in my lungs right now. i read step 12 out of the oa 12&12 - it was beautiful. it reminded me again why each and every one of those steps i am working on are so important in my life. i managed to fill 30 minutes. i just couldn't sit alone there for 30 more. so i carefully put everything back, locked up the church and took a walk for 30 minutes in the freezing rain. i was warm enough and my hood kept the moisture off me. and i enjoyed all of the beauty of the christmas lights and the hideousness of those horrible inflate-a-mate lawn decorations. i must say they are as obscene to me as the idea of a blow up doll replacing a live human female. but last night even they were comforting in some strange, small town way.

but today i am heartsick. shaming myself for believing him. angry at myself for getting my hopes up. how i long for that tree of life. i will not fall for counterfeit fruit though. by working the steps i know that i'm willing to wait for the real thing.

so this is christmas

paying it forward

pushing through the crust

i have enjoyed a season of peace and tranquility recently and i am hesitant to move past it. it feels like the crust that cools over the top of the hot lava and begins to turn to stone. hiding the heat and tumult that is lying just below the surface. last fall was so intense. so deep and so important. what happened after was the product of the hard soul work i had done, but very little has been done since that time. i've been content here on the surface and have enjoyed to joy of looking forward instead of within. deep within. (photo source)

i sensed last week though that i was avoiding things. that i was disengaged somehow. it is not normal for me and i know it signals a need for the next layer of the onion to be examined.

our holiday was magnificent. we were honored and graced with so much abundance it made me giddy. i know it will be one of my childrens most cherished memories. they will never hear the waves of the ocean without being reminded of that trip. it was truly special and i am very grateful.

i am sure that the lava bubbling below the surface now has much to do with my father and my own personhood. if there was a low to this trip it was seeing how unhealthy he has become. not just physically either. some days we were like two flies trying to find their way out of a trapped room, both banging on the screens and trying to escape. a couple of times he snapped and it caused me such sadness.

there were some sweet moments, but so often they were clouded by his inability to be present and i was reminded far too often of my own proclivity to isolate and withdraw out of fear and insecurity. there were also far too many times when i saw the parallels between my beloved husband and my ornery father. and the ache that created in my heart as i realized i did marry a man so much like him in the inner places, and yet so very different on the outside. i was able to identify the deep wounds that seem to reopen so frequently in my interactions with liam - shadowed pain that i react to instinctively. there were times this was so clear it took my breathe away.

i tried to sit with it and understand the deep triggers this engaged in me without lashing out to hurt those around me. most of that time was spent looking at my toes in the sand, agate hunting on the beach. my mind a whirl with comebacks, indignation and the deep desire to escape the pain.

there was a moment my father lashed out at me publicly and my aunts were able to see my pain and sought to comfort me. i was able to process my deep desire to stand up for myself and speak to my father about all that i have wanted to say for years. i just knew that i didn't want to have any of it clouded by anger, cruelty or childish behavior that would taint my message and keep him from hearing me. talking with them, and liam helped prepare me as i knocked on his bedroom door.

i asked him if we could talk and he turned off the golf game. i acknowledged how difficult our relationship was and how simply he seemed to be able to relate to my sister. i spoke of the pain that comes from that, but understood that it was just as difficult for him as it was for me. he explained that his frustration with me stemmed mainly from my assumption that i always knew what he was going to say. i guess it was a bad habit i inherited from living together for five years. cutting to the quick instead of having to listen to his meandering instructions. i guess it was my way of reminding him i was really smarter than he was... i apologized and committed to trying to listen.

i then told him that what i had always wanted from him was for him to be proud of me and how i spent my whole childhood trying to reinvent myself to get his attention by doing the things that he liked, hunting, fishing and sports. i said that i was sure he always wanted a son because it seemed he was only able to relate to me when i was participating in more male activities and how hard it was for him never to just notice me for who i was and say things like "you're a really good mom and i'm proud of you." or things like that.

i left a gap hoping for some affirmation. it never came.

so i ventured into freedom. i knew that i would never get this chance again and that my motivation in this was not dad motivated, it was self motivated and i needed to separate myself from the subtle control i have let him exert over me in the past.

i then told him that most of all i wanted him to understand that my choice to use my gifts wasn't seated in rebellion. the most diabolical part of his control was the arrogance he lorded over me in judging that god was on his side theologically. it was never openly acknowledged, but i loathed the fact that in his mind i was thumbing my nose at him and god by making the choice for ministry i have made.

i was able, calmly and clearly, to talk to him about this and explain that there are many people in the kingdom who take scripture seriously who come down on the opposite side of his views. that i wasn't trying to change his mind and he could believe forever that i was mistaken, but that i wanted him to understand fully that i was not being rebellious. that was the burr that had rubbed me raw. i was really proud of myself for remaining calm, not hitting below the belt and not shaming him in any way. i spoke my peace, challenged him and his memory (especially of my mother and her gifts and spunk), honor myself and finally cut the unhealthy chord that tied me to him.

i left gaps in my explanation for him to talk and a few times i reminded him that i wasn't trying to change his mind and that i was okay if he never, ever supported me in this. strangely enough, i meant every word of it, and it became more true as i gave words to it. i realized that it is his loss. god will restore what the locust have eaten.

to his credit at the end of our conversation he did say that he would pray about it. i believe he will. i am more sure that the holy spirit, if he is open, can do far more than i would ever be able to accomplish.

so i didn't hear my coveted "i'm proud of you" or even a hearty "i love you", but i am truly okay with that. i just know that i have some inward work to do in this area to reclaim the places of me that have been lost to the many years of neglect and denial.

hodge podge post

i can't believe how long it's been since i've actually blogged. i've highlighted a few things here and there, but putting words down has been sparse. i have been journalling and answering step questions for my sponsor, but blogging has been non-existent.

it will be for the next couple of weeks too. we leave sunday for the closest southwest airlines airport (5 1/2 hours away) and spend the night in town and fly monday to portland. we've got 2 nights there and then a week on the california border at my aunt's house. my dad's 5 sisters will all be there and i am guessing that this will be the last time i'll be able to be with all six of them together. they're all getting old. my favorite aunt had a stroke this past year, my dad isn't playing basketball with the kids anymore. he can still shoot and coach, but he told me today he's done playing (which shocked me and broke my heart) and the other four are all just about as unhealthy.

these five women are the last ancestral links (except for one maternal aunt) i have on the planet... they are incredible women. some endured very difficult spouses, addiction, heartache and trials of various types. they come (i come) from pioneer stock. i'm hoping to catalog and record many of their stories this time. we've got a couple digital video recorders and i'm hoping they can just forget they are there and keep talking. i'd hate to think that their stories pass with them. there is so much i want to know.

at the end of that week we have all rented two reunion houses on the pacific coast for 5 days and a lot of extended family will be joining us there. i can't believe how the details for this trip have fallen together. it really feels like a god thing.

i'm hoping to have a real heart-to-heart with my dad while i'm there. i so long to talk theology with him. he still holds so tightly to that old plymouth brethren mindset. i know it was special to him. it gave him hope when so little in life did. but i'd love to show him where it has hurt both of us. i don't think that patriarchy serves the male species any better than the female. only the alpha males who bark and bite really get to thrive in that environment, the rest of us just feel inadequate. i think my father has spent most of his christian life feeling really inadequate. the truly "spiritual man" that was held out had more of my set of giftings than his. that was the diabolical part of this. my mother and i were given the gifts he lacked and required to fulfill his ROLE in life.

it's such an ill fitting cloak and i have shed it. i'd really love for him to also. and if he can't just to understand why i have without labeling me as rebellious, as i have been anything but.

i am also going to tell him that the only thing i have ever truly wanted in life was for him to tell me he was proud of me. i had thought for years (decades?) that it would spoil everything if i had to ask for it, but hope challenged that idea and reminded me that anything worth having is worth asking for. otherwise it may go unfulfilled forever.

the most difficult part of all of this is doing all of it for myself and not for his reaction or response. i am truly walking into this with the hope that i am able to empower myself to break free of the restraints, real or imagined, that have kept me feeling captive to his approval and control. i long to be free.

i don't know what kind of access i'll have to the internet while away, but i will miss your words. if you think of me any prayers for our safety and this situation would be so appreciated. have a lovely couple of weeks!

death and resurrection

liam is doing the vigil at the hospital, his father is dying. the cancer is closing off his esophagus and he can hardly swallow, let alone eat. it is so hard to be this far away while my beloved is hurting. during the retreat last weekend i shared with my women that i was holding onto a huge lot of resentment toward liam's dad. it was the major step 5 work i was doing. that night i really prayed that god would help me to understand this more clearly.

as i processed it with them i realized that most of what i carried wasn't mine (surprise, bad boundaries again...) - i was feeling slights for things liam never even acknowledged or was bothered by. he really upon looking back over things never really had done anything to me, other than neglect the people i love most in this world, my son and my kids, and blame them for lack of contact. i also realized that knowing he was sick i decided that disengagement would be the best line of defense so that it didn't hurt when he died.

upon my return from the retreat liam told me of the prayer his father asked him to pray over the phone, he kept asking god to forgive his sins. liam was able to reassure him that he was forgiven and went on to tell him of the thief on the cross who was at that moment being punished for his crimes, and jesus told him that he would be with him that day in paradise. he said that he could literally hear his father's shoulders drop and his breathing calm as he said 'thank you son'. at that moment i realized god had done for me what i was unable to do for myself. love that man. the resentment was lifted. i cried and felt such a compassion for this man.

i realized on friday night after liam flew away that my mom also died at easter time - it was in april that year, but i knew that if i didn't make some plans that i would be hurting myself. so i got home and started to find a place where we could go for celebration today. going to make some peach pies to bring to my pastor/therapist/professors house (yes, he wears many hats, so glad he is a kind gentle man otherwise it would be too much!) to celebrate with the other families that are joining together there today. so grateful for my community this weekend. liam and i have done time apart, but other than his trip to nepal a few years ago it's usually me who goes and he who stays (boy do i like that a whole lot better!) - i realized this weekend how much fun he brings to our lives. every day things are a whole lot more fun when he is around. boy do i miss him.

please continue to pray for he and his family (us included) - mostly for peace and clarity. liam is supposed to fly home tomorrow, but if there are only days left we'd really like to know. thank you for your prayers.

lovely holiday

i haven't taken the time to blog lately, don't really know what that means, but i did want to mention that we had a wonderful holiday together as a family. i worried that i might be "homesick" because my sister was headed to wisconsin to be with my dad and aunt, but upon talking with them on christmas day i realized i was right exactly where i wanted to be.

amazing pecan waffle breakfast, tapas lunch and a prime rib dinner re-embraced the joy of communing around our table. i feel a lot of peace now that i blogged through that last bit. maybe it's your prayers - thank you.

we've just been tucking in here. liam is off for the week and we are doing small projects and hanging out together. we've had mechanic trouble (he's just been so slow at getting everything fixed on the volvo) but it's done now, and computer issues that have seemed to work themselves out. now that the car is back we're heading to the city tomorrow or saturday to do some thrift store shopping - liam has lost at least 40 lbs. slowly since summer and i have dropped a size (i fit into my honeymoon lingerie the other day!) and don't think i've had this body since we got married 20 years ago. sitting with empty really is working. it has somehow become my friend.

i am not weighing myself though as that scale messes with my head. i'll be happy enough to put a size 16 pant on tomorrow and enjoy some clothes that fit again. i told liam that he needed a new wardrobe because he looks like a holocaust victim if he doesn't shave and wears his big baggy clothes. he's dropped at least two sizes. it's amazing how eating one serving and nothing between meals helps me to enjoy the food i do eat and not obsess about it otherwise.

it feels really good. hope all is well in your holiday world!

in

for those of you following my empty journey or taking one of your own i give you these words that were given to me this morning.

i have been reading praying with jesus by eugene peterson. i got off track during school so i'm a bit behind. that always seems to have a purpose, and today's entry (which was really november 12th's entry) is well timed. i have had three good days of sitting with empty. being satisfied with my one serving at each meal and not eating anything between meals, and then sitting with the feeling after each meal as the fullness starts to fade and the empty starts to rise, and letting that be that and not panicking and stuffing it. it's not the easiest things i've ever done, but it's not the most difficult thing either.

i know there will be days it will be harder than these past few have been. but i feel like i'm back on the beam a bit more fully than i have been in a while.

the readings have been in john 14 and are very timely as i mentioned. yesterday's was about jesus not leaving us orphaned and promising us the spirit of truth. today's was titled "in". john 14:20-21:

"...I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. They who have my commandments and keep them are those who love me; and those who love me will be loved by my Father, and I will love them and reveal myself to them."

"In" is the preposition of intimacy and one of the most important words in the gospel. It is later picked up by Paul and used in his famous formula "in Christ." Jesus sets us in a relationship of intimacy with himself by which we experience the fullness of God.

PRAYER: Jesus, I know that you will not leave me empty or orphaned. I thank you for the promise of your presence. Invade, invigorate, inspire by your Spirit. Amen.

if anyone remembered my angry, angry, angry post you'll know that parent junk and empty junk is a lot of what i'm processing right now. the promise not to be orphaned or empty (linked together) is pretty incredible for me and i hope it might be for you too.

today being an uncelebrated thanksgiving for me (in the usual, lots of family, big turkey dinner sense) seems fitting to my orphaned, empty state. but it isn't driving me to stuff myself. it is helping me to know that those two things are not true, and even if they were i would still be okay. i am really missing my extended family today, but i am thankful for what i do have and for where i am. in.

it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to...

no party here. i wanted a low key weekend before we start school on monday. just not nearly this low key. i am not the kind of person who needs presents and gush, i just like to be remembered. we have a family tradition in our home for the choice of a big breakfast. it's something that we always do. liam had a discussion with the kids on thursday night while i was at my OA meeting and they decided that greek food would be a great thing to make for my birthday too. i don't do cake, so a real meal is a nice surprise for me. i wouldn't have thought of it or asked for it, but when it was suggested i was grateful.

it happened last night, but with begrudging resentment and passive aggressive attitudes on the part of my husband. he realized too late that the mess he made last night would follow him into this mornings breakfast without the clean up fairy in between. liam is a full participant in family chores and cleaning. nothing is below him and he models this beautifully to our children. i am very blessed. but he makes a huge mess in the kitchen when he cooks and hadn't considered that he was going to have to follow this up this morning with the crepes i requested for my birthday breakfast. he realized at about 10:30 last night that this was going to happen. he's had a long week at work and i knew he was spent. he just didn't realize the emotional impact it would have on me when he asked if the birthday breakfast could be bumped to sunday.

i guess i didn't either. i have spent most of the morning in tears, hating celebrations because they are usually a disappointment to me. somehow i think that maybe this year i will be understood and somehow remembered and honored as i hoped to be. again, even the conversations i had with myself this past week didn't prepare me enough for the disappointment i felt deep within that my father didn't call or send a card. that my mom was gone and that our family tradition was being bumped a day. i've never been good at holding things back. never. if i feel it i can't hide it. curse or gift, i'm not sure most of the time, but i wear my emotions on my outsides most of the time. so everyone knew i was sad and a bit hurt.

feeling the emotions and processing them with liam, my sister on the phone when she called, and even here are really the best gift i can give myself today. such clues into that child of my early years. i told liam about those birthdays that play so deeply in my story. those hurtful times i remember so vividly. i don't know why they are the ones imprinted on my memory, but they are clues to how i feel about myself today. i hate myself sometimes because i'm just not able to muscle through things and suck it up. but for today i need to be okay with that. it is my birthday and i have cried. feeling my feelings and owning them is the gift i give myself today. happy 42nd birthday self.

20 years!

liam and i celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary today. we're headed to a lovely island coastal town for the weekend and so looking forward to getting away together. happy, happy, happy!

home

sleeping in my own bed - what a wonderful thing! liam and i spent the past two weeks (minus a couple of nights in a hotel and one night for me in a glorious home with my blogger gals) on a double air mattress. it actually worked out better than i dreaded it might. we had a great two weeks and i chronicled some of the highlights (and vehicle low lights) on my other blog if you care to read them there.

we are safe, relaxed but exhausted and home. brilliantly i signed pink and buck up for "entrepreneurship camp" before we left - so i have a full week of 9-4 alone! yippee! it is a good time of re-entry for them too as they loved camp and were sad to leave the friends and the fun they had there. this will be different by a long shot - but still enough activity to keep them from whinging all week. and it only cost $75/each!! god bless them!

i'm not sure about re-entry into life here as i napped most of today. i do the driving so that liam can get back to work without being as exhausted as i am, that and i am a control freak, so it's better for everyone if i drive... sigh... yes, i'll be honest here.

the house wasn't super clean before we left, neat, but not clean - so i've got loads of work to do this week to get things back in shape - plus all of the grubby dirty things we brought home from camp.... at least it's supposed to be a cooler week so that the flat won't be horrid to work in.

liam came back to a primed office space (surprise) and it was very encouraging to have his peeps (i never know what to call the people he works with) have taken initiative to encourage him.

i have far too many blog posts in my bloglines to truly catch up (and this is a thinned out blog roll - i unsubscribed from over 50 blogs before i left to make my reading more manageable... it's just when you see 25 blog posts in 2 weeks you begin to wonder what it is that anyone has the time to write about in the small space of 15 days...

i totally enjoyed life away from computer and tv - it's a wide world and i want to spend more time in it and less time with my face in front of a screen. i know the best laid plans of rodents and women will probably find me settling back into my bad habits and cheering for reality tv again soon - but i am really wanting different.

i found the most dramatic moments for me was seeing and reconnecting with my sister and liam's sister and seeing myself in them at the stages of life they are in and being so happy to not be there any more and to see the amount recovery i have behind me. i tend to forget where i have come from, and seeing them and talking with them reminded me how very far i have come. it was with great sadness that i saw the chaos and results of choices in their eyes, and that there never were the questions that asked about how to get out, move on or find some hope of recovery. maybe soon. i don't mean any of this to sound arrogant like i have arrived or figured it all out. i so haven't. but i have seen in living color in these past two weeks my past and the chaos of having little kids and the struggle to comfort one's self with food. i had been so hard on myself and my recovery before we had left, feeling like i hadn't had much to speak of - but seeing again where i had come from - and knowing with everything in me that i DON'T WANT TO GO BACK has been a great revelation that i am really grateful for.

the highlight of the trip for me was this sunday when we got to worship in the old, round wooden temple in ocean park, maine, and hear tony campolo preach again. it was so great to know my kids got to hear him too. buck loved him and asked if he was a comedian too. to his 9 year old mind that was a high compliment! on the way out he saw my kids, asked if they were mine and kissed and hugged them - it was so beautiful. i told my kids that they might not understand who he is today, but one day they will understand that this was a man who advised presidents and challenged the church to justice and mercy. i just love him so.

hope you all had a couple of wonderful weeks, thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. i know it made us facing the hurdles we faced with better attitudes and more optimism than we would have had without them! can't wait to catch up on your blogs.

adventures with volvo

time for the next installment of "adventures with volvo" - it is fixed, running beautifully and only cost us $146.00 - and the mechanic fixed tons of stuff that we had no idea was even not working. he was incredible! we brought baked goods to express our deep gratitude at his speediness and his thoroughness.

and the best news is that the transmission is fabulous. he removed the pan and it is clean and healthy! so many long years of driving may continue!! it was actually a cable that got stretched and kept telling the engine we were passing in the high gears. he fixed it well enough to get us far past home. we are so relieved.

i told liam that he could have charged us six times as much and i would have still been happy and relieved!

we're having a great time with family and i'm so enjoying some quality time with my niece. she's finally starting to warm up to us and is such a sweet gem.

thanks so much for your prayers and encouragment! it's been wonderful to know that we've got friends globe-wide praying for us! much love!

safe & sound - part iii

hi all - thanks for your prayers and encouragement - we are safe and enjoying camp. the car went in today to a great transmission guy my brother in law has used - so hopefully we can afford him. we joked and told him he was so good that people were coming from canada to get work done. hopefully it can be road worthy by the weekend.

pink and buck are having a great time at camp and can hardly stop to acknowledge us and we love to see them running and playing and enjoying every minute.

liam and i on the other hand have a private camp lot right on the lake and we are just loving our secluded escape and time together.

thanks again for all of your prayers and support!

safe & sound - part ii

hi all, what a trip! we had a flat 15 minutes into the trip in maine, a rad leak we've had to babysit the whole trip and about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house it started making horrible noises. we feared the worst (transmission) and were gladly grateful for the $410 bill to fix the u joints. the volvo is back and running and we have just spent the night in tourist-ville where my kids have so enjoyed being kids (and not having their clingy cousins attached to their hips!) it was like having talking/whining shadows for days!

i had an amazing time with deb, erin & lynne in luxurious comfort on thursday night and it is so truly wonderful to be with kindred souls. i am honored to be friends and loved by these wonderful women. wish you were there! we have begun talk of a 2nd path in my east coast community so if you are interested please let us know as we're trying to figure out the best time to get together and how many we need to make room for.

we head for pennsylvania today - get to see my dad, sister (ugh, her husband... pray for me) and my niece who i have NEVER had quality time with yet.

we've got to hit the water park again this a.m. before we leave - love and hugs to you all!

safe and sound

we are safe and sound in ontario. i'm on my in-laws computer and we've just had 24 hours here. i am calm and serene and so at peace. my hubby on the other hand is just a bit stressed out. see about 15 minutes into maine we got a flat tire. we obviously hit something in the road because not 2 miles down from where we (liam) changed the tire there was a van doing the same thing...

we got to bangor and had lunch and hit the ll bean outlet hoping to grab a laptop case and saw that the radiator was leaking fluid... sigh... not as fixed as we had hoped. the guy at the auto parts store talked us both down and gave us good advice (which we said we would heed either way - whether to head home and get the rad replaced or if he thought we could make it. he gave us stuff told us how to babysit it and headed back out on the road.

we had an awesome time on the drive and overnight at the holiday inn express in vermont. got back on the road the next day and had more of the same. just a wonderful relaxing time together. about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house the volvo started making a grinding noise and then the center of the car started to feel really wrong and each time we stopped at a stop sign starting moving again was clearly not what "vanna" (what we called her after about the 100th time i said "go put this in the van" - so we ended up calling her vanna) wanted to do. as we pulled up their driveway i said 'well, i hope they don't mind her here because i don't think she'll ever move on her own accord again.'

i think we dropped the transmission... sigh. today being canada day means everything is closed down - so tomorrow she will be towed (god bless inlaws with auto club memberships) to the trustworthy mechanic to see if she's worth fixing.

god please let her be worth fixing. car payments aren't something we really want to think about. and we still have MILES to go before this trip is over. we know when you drive a 20 year old vehicle that things like this happen. i am just amazed that she got us all the way here. it was clear to me that spiritually we were supposed to be here. i have no doubt about it. how we get from here i have no clue. but i honestly i really don't have stress or fear about how it's all going to work itself out.

i can feel the prayers being prayed for us - thank you. we would be so grateful if they would continue. i'd really love liam to have the peace that i have been given. that would be a wonderful thing. either way the time with his family is going so well and we are just really enjoying the time together.

i'll keep you posted as i am able - take care!!

slumber par-tay!

i am finally so excited to go on this holiday. we could have never planned it in advance, but while i'll be in the golden horseshoe next week a blog-her slumber party has been created! yippee! i can hardly believe it!

erin, deb, connie & mike todd's sister lynne and i are all going to be luxuriating in the lovely niagara falls, ny for an evening together. i can't wipe the smile off my face!

now the only real hurdle to cross is the car. we took it in about a month ago right after we got our tax return and said "we need to take a huge road trip - and we have some $ - please go over it with a fine toothed comb and fix any and everything so that we know if we can afford to still go on vacation. they gave it the thumbs up and fixed only a couple minor things.

we took it to the store that shall not be named to get an oil change and the guy told us there were 3 things leaking (it is a 20 year old volvo station wagon) - yikes. was it someone trying to "sell us something" or was it a finer tooth comb?

we had ordered a rad hose that needed to be replaced and had picked it up in the states when we had the oil change done - the phone call came yesterday while they were replacing the hose (we told them to check the stuff the oil change guy said needed looked at) and it turned out that it wasn't just a rad hose, but a whole rad that needed changed and some other things. i'm so glad they caught it, and that it's not outrageously expensive (is there anything better than a mechanic you can trust?) so now we wait to hear if the parts get in today and if they can get it done in time.

they didn't think it would be a problem - but hey, they didn't catch it the first time either... sigh. every time i awoke last night i had thoughts of being broken down in the green mountains of vermont with a car that some rip off mechanic thinks "is not worth fixing"...

so needless to say the excitement of the slumber party is getting me through all of this - and my kids have now started to get in on the excitement of the trip and stopped picking at each other (and me) and are cooperating like they normally do.

i don't know the kind of access we'll have to the internet on the trip. we're bringing the laptop (hoping to get a chance to really write the children's book we've noodled during the week the kids are at camp). i'll post as often as i am able - please have a great couple of weeks! oh, and could you water the plants if you stop by! :)

UPDATE: "all" of the parts made it in this morning, but one of the parts wasn't "all there"... some flange for the radiator was missing and things looked like they wouldn't be sorted out until tuesday (as monday is a holiday here in canada) - but after i pushed them to source it over the river in the states they miraculously found a "whole" one at the same place that originally short shipped it and it's SUPPOSED to arrive here by 4:00... please pray it makes it and that the volvo is roadworthy. i told liam it was probably best that it didn't cause this much stress a month ago when we had it in because we might have canceled the trip all together... and for lots of reasons it's important we go. thanks for praying!

UPDATE 2: crap 4 crap. the second shipped radiator was also missing the SAME PART. so while they were waiting they repaired the old rad and are re-attaching that. can you say AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! so now i get to watch the gauge the whole trip... sigh. oh well - at least it will be done today. sometimes living simply and on the edge has it trials...

UPDATE 3: okay, they patched/welded the old radiator and tested it and it's doing just fine. we leave tomorrow a.m. as planned. sleeping in vermont tomorrow night and celebrating canada day back in canada. have a lovely long weekend, eh!

perfectly anxious

i have so much to do and no brain to do it. i'm trying to make reservations, coordinate schedules, write "to do" lists and survive the "momcani" moments of my two kids being home for the summer. earlier this week we had lovely 70 degree weather - yesterday and today look to be in the 90's - as if i needed another reason to sit in front of a fan reading... sigh.

the worst part of being the grown up is that there is no one to come along to pick up the slack and broken pieces you leave behind... i know i'm forgetting things and leaving things far too long before they are done - but dang it's hot, i'm ovulating and i need a vacation from my vacation! this story today says it perfectly:

perfectly anxious

missing a perfectly good day
because she's sure
that she should be
anxious about something

storypeople

oh, and if anyone tells me "to be anxious about nothing" i will snap. obviously they have never tried to occupy two kids in an apartment for the summer while all of their friends mothers were smart enough to put their friends into soccer/swimming lessons/camp. i know it's only 3 more days before we leave and only 10 days before my own are in camp - but dang these two are not as easy to distract, entertain and engage as they used to be... help!

5 minute update power post

• mother's day was grand - the best ever as my kids truly within themselves and motivated by love each shopped for a gift for me, with their own money (not that gifts matter, but this was just so generous and sweet) and made cards, and prayed for me before our lovely crepe breakfast my honey made for us.
• we stood for peace at the international bridge yesterday for five minutes of silence to remember the true meaning of mother's day. it was beautiful.
• we then took a walk over to the states and liam took me out for lunch as the kids had musical practice all afternoon and we had a lovely meal in a newer, really good restaurant (in short supply here) - so we will have a place here to take visitors and hang out at with friends. great atmosphere and good pub food. they even gave me a beautiful pink rose when the meal was over.
• i have had so much fun volunteering at our local food bank. i am cleaning out and organizing their basement - it uses a lot of my experience and skills and i think it is really encouraging my new friend who runs the place. i'm also getting to meet some really wonderful co-volunteers and breathing some life and energy into areas that needed it. i was also able to share some of the generous gift money my former boss had given me and got some much needed cordless phones and a headset (as the phone never stops ringing there) for her.
• the documentary that i have blogged about here sometime ago is completed and from what i hear quite moving. i am so excited to hear if they are being accepted into any of the film festivals around north america - hoping they make it into the toronto film festival as i think i could swing a trip there and stay with friends and actually see myself (on the big screen - yikes) . it is very strange to know that "my story" is being seen by 100's of people that i don't know and may never know - and to not have a clue what it looks like is really freaky... it was filmed in HD - so i'm sure being larger than life is really not as fun as i once imagined! :)
  
• the weight i lost most likely had to do with the sickness and not me "working my program" like i had thought as i have gained it back and haven't changed anything... sigh. this has taken it's toll on me emotionally and given a swift kick to my self confidence. i don't think it would have bothered me to go into the summer as i was, but now to have had a weight loss and then gain back i am regularly disappointed when i see my reflection instead of just the acceptance i had come to before the loss... trying to find the way through this and understand what it was that brought it all back, but i'm not sure where to begin...
  
• i have way too much to do, life has filled up - not to a crazy point, but enough that i am not getting as much down time as i normally have. that is probably a good thing.
• liam is almost done with the drywall in my NEW OFFICE - i am very excited to get painting in there soon!
  
• on that note i best go and get things done for the day. hope this finds you all well!