the problem with accountability

as i wrote in my previous post about porn & the church i stated that i believe there is a problem regarding the church's love affair with accountability.

i wish i knew when it started. i think it's roots are fairly new and probably cropped up in the 70's. if anyone has any more information on this i would be very interested. but i can't trace where it really came from. was there pop psychology out there that used the term and it found it's way into the church, or did it begin there? i see no evidence of it's roots in scripture. none. no accountable relationships were modeled, no verses to support it. none. how did this concept root it's way into what we today believe is the solution to solve sexual temptation and habitual sin?

i know that some might think that accountability crept into the church through 12 step groups, and it might have - but it could have only happened through a misread of the 12 & 12 - there is really no place in recovery for accountability either. and yet pairs and groups of individuals scattered across north american churches (possibly globally, but i have no experience of this) sincerely hope to bring light and life into the dark corners of the soul through accountability.

i think there is a flaw, actually a couple of flaws, that end up doing more harm and perpetuate the sin cycle far more than even 'going it alone' might.

accountability partners or teams set up a well intentioned group of people - sometimes all struggling with the same issues, sometimes it is a mentor/mentee type of relationship. either way unless they are extraordinary people there is a level of false intimacy established even before any words are spoken. we all long for those people in our lives who can 'know us' and love us still. the relationship begins with great intentions and usually with a first layer of self revelation. this forges the commitment between the parties involved. an "i'll show you mine, if you show me yours" kind of sharing.

unfortunately what happens afterward is that expectations of further intimacy cannot be met, distance happens and people fail. the wounding that occurs is so great it convinces the person who bared their soul that they are unworthy of love and truly being known in community and drives them farther into isolation and their addictions.

this might not always be the case - there truly might be some groups that start with this intention and actually go deeper, get stronger and find healing. but i don't believe that it's because it has it's roots in accountability. i think that intimacy and healing happen in spite of that.

accountability by it's very nature is a law based system. it says 'this is the bar, you will reach it, and if you don't you will have to answer to 'the group'. at it's core it is a power based structure. we are confusing true friendship based in love with an imposed construct based in law. i believe that there are some true friendships that do occur that are labelled accountability groups - and there is the rub - distinguishing the difference to those on the outside is impossible. one based in love, one based in law - only the healing tells the difference.

those who are habitually struggling will rarely come to a monthly (or weekly) appointment to disappoint those in the group over and over again. the thumb of the law will sit squarely between their shoulders and drive their face into their shame. with all of their heart they long to move past this - to be free, to stop disappointing those they love and want to please more than anything. but they must continually come to the meeting - and they are given a choice - be vulnerable and disappoint those who they long to please or live the lie. the failed accountability partner begins to separate body from soul and revert to facing their failure alone. possibly showing up physically still to keep the commitment, but emotionally distant and very isolated.

the false intimacy that comes from the structure of the accountability group works against it's own goal. it's so very close to what we all want that it masquerades long enough to convince us that we're the broken reason that it doesn't work, not that it's broken and it doesn't work. the wounds this creates when the wheels fall off are deeper than we know because we are convinced that community will never really work for us and we withdraw.

accountability says i have the power to overcome this. and if i don't, the power of the whole will help me.

the first step says:

we admitted that we were powerless over our addiction
and that our lives had become unmanageable.

powerless and unmanageable. can you hear the bar clang as it drops to the floor? there is an admission that happens here that rarely makes it's way into accountability groups. this is why people get healthy in 12 step groups. every week, if not daily they admit, over and over that they have tried everything and cannot do it, they are powerless. like the prodigal they come to the end of themselves.

steps two and three is where the decision happens - i can't, god can, so i will let him. i know it sounds too simplistic to work, but it's not. it is the humbling of hearts that can truly break the power of addiction not the legalism of accountability. one brings continual shame, the other grace and light.

an addict is always one who wants to buck against the restraints. YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO! i will decide. me. now. me. accountability, no matter how well intentioned, is really just another restraint. and eventually when the white knuckle addict who has shown some hope of recovery hits a crisis former behavior will raise it's ugly head and the addict will fail. the dog will return to it's vomit. and then the accountability group itself becomes the enemy that must be resisted. addicts have an inherent ability to blame. it is YOUR fault - not mine. YOU didn't meet my expectations and therefore i hold no responsibility for my actions - i couldn't help myself.

many para-church organizations have made great strides in trying to reach out to the sexual addict. ministries like xxxchurch.com and their internet accountability program x3watch are valiant attempts at helping the struggling. but i think they are band-aids on gaping wounds. another truth about the addict is that they have no sense of delayed gratification. the NOW is far more real than the possible future. in their time of need they will not care who they hurt, who sees or who they'll have to apologize to later. they've done it before, they can do it again. i have needs NOW. it's what puts the needle in the arm of the heroine addict. NOW.

an internet filter cannot be installed in the brain. that is where the real problems take place. most addicts have filled their heads with so many images they wouldn't have to watch or look at another image for the rest of their lives. they are seared on the backs of their eyeballs and replay themselves every time they try to pray or sleep. filters are a stop-gap. a band-aid. an addict will have their fix with or witout a filter. accountability is legalism. at it's roots it is inherently flawed.

external pressure for an internal change will never create the kind of healing that can take place when the addict finally decides for themselves that they want wholeness more than they want their addictions. outside pressure will never truly affect permanent, lasting change.

this is why it is confession, not accountability that is the key to healing. i quoted this verse at the end of my post dirty little secrets:

confess your sins one to another,
pray for each other
and you will be healed.
james 5:16

healed. healed. how do we miss this? people are important - confessing in community is where healing happens. we need these strong, lasting relationships if we are ever going to find the healing that god is waiting for us to have.

this is why step four and five are so crucial- the cause of sexual addiction isn't an overwhelming need for sex. it's a need for soothing, a need for control, a need for distraction from the overwhelming problems of life. this is the chosen outlet - other things could be substituted, but this one meets a need because of where the addict was broken.

step 4 - we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

step 5 - we admitted to god, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

THIS IS WHY RECOVERY WORKS!

it removes the shame in our past that drives us to our addictions. this is why healing happens.

isn't this what we all long for ? to know and be known and loved because of it.

i posted this quote by henri nouwen back in february, but i think it fits here so well:

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

Henri Nouwen

dirty little secrets - porn & the church

professor ben witherington @ asbury seminary has a great post on the church's dirty little secret - both in the pulpit & the pews much of the church is struggling with unacknowledged sexual addiction. the dirty part of this isn't the struggle - it's the lack of acknowledgment. i left a comment there and committed to blog on why i think this is a problem at the deepest root core of the modern church.

paul tells us in 1 corinthians 10:13 - such is common to all - no, not maybe the addiction aspect of the struggle - but the acknowledgment of the problem - we ALL are created as sexual beings, it is a basic, god-given part of our nature. god knew that without that drive we would all be sitting alone in our caves communicating through the internet (wait, isn't that what we're doing??). intimacy is the deep well within each of us that we desperately try to fill. i believe that is one of the reasons why god gave us our sex-drives.

this is a theory in process, i have been thinking about it for over a year now and have never written about it - i don't think i have all of the answers, but i know that the time and work others have taken to earn degrees and diplomas i have poured into recovery and addiction. i am not a theologian or a psychologist, that may disqualify me to some, but i would find that unfortunate as my black-belt in recovery has been earned with books, bumps, bruises and a life lived in the attempt of acknowledging my powerlessness over my addictions.

the base of my hypothesis (please track this all out with me, it's not scholarly, but i think if you read to the end it might explain itself) is that somewhere along the line of our spiritual lives, especially those who choose a life in ministry and receive theological training (i have a bsc in biblical studies and a call of god on my life) something happens between the christian's need for answers to the mysteries of god and their need for surety.

most of this training occurs in the lives of the called at a very tender age. the idealism of youth works against the christian's ability to dwell in the questions. the surety of their education and good grades allows them to leave university or seminary with the confidence that they are able to face any and all of lifes issues.

my theory is that when my answers and surety don't line up with reality and the problems and questions i face day to day (especially in ministry) i begin to separate myself. to doubt is unacceptable. to question god seems sinful, so i give assent to what i "know in my head" but my heart and soul start to withdraw from that aspect of my life. this creates a real inconsistency that when driven apart by crisis becomes the crevasse that so many deeply committed christians begin to fall into.

the downfall of the educational process is that no rewards are given for the mystery. no honors are given for the questions. it is only the answers, and the correct answers at that, that are held up as good and right. and because most educational institutions are supported by denominations only those denominationally correct answers are honored. the others are unfortunately demonized to some level.

so i begin to minister, whether it is lay ministry or paid ministry, it rarely matters, i am fulfilling the call of god on my life. i begin to create the person that i bring with me to church, to my community and into public life. this is the person with all of the answers, the knowing smile and the deep desire to please god and fulfill my call.

this projected personality begins with the best of intentions, with the deepest level of commitment to god and ministry and is born out of an insecurity that comes from the realization that we aren't as prepared for ministry and real life as we thought we were.

what if someone finds out i don't have all the answers? what if they see i am this afraid? what if they see me for who i really am? how will i support my family? who will hire me again? what can i do now?

it is fear that separates us and shame that keeps us separated.

the part i am ashamed of stays back in the recesses. confused, alone afraid and beginning to question everything. life isn't working out at all like i planned it. my marriage is hard work, my finances are a mess, my boss doesn't understand me and my congregation doesn't appreciate me.

i try only to feed the public projection of myself. the part that everyone sees. i work for all i'm worth, meet as many needs as i am able and stand as a paramount to all that god has done in my life. this projection is real, it isn't a mask.(yet) this projected self is who i long to be with all of my heart. unfortunately i am unable to keep this projection functioning without my heart and soul. i am unable to join into the community i have created, to know and be known because it is there someone might realize that i am divided. that i am separate. that i am hiding something.

even the relationships that are most intimate to me, my spouse, family members and best friends must be kept at arms length so that i don't disappoint them, and supremely so that i don't disappoint god.

when that happens i must revert to my hidden self. the self that feels the emotions, the rejection, the pain. the self that grieves the losses and questions the answers and the theology i have been taught. they fail me now and i am unable to come in from the cold. all of my self-discipline, determination and desire cannot keep me from this frailty and keep the projected self on course. this is when the division between selves becomes critical. intervention at this point can save many. but the tyranny of church boards and the need for ministers to be free from sin, especially sexual sin, causes most to give up hope of ever receiving the help they truly need.

if resentments or hurt are done to the projected self i must return to my hidden self to lick my wounds. this is where i meet my needs because god seems to be unable or unwilling to do so. this is where i rationalize what is owed to me for all of the hard work i have been doing. i begin to decide what i 'deserve'. i begin to feel levels of entitlement before unknown to me. this is place where the addictions begin.

i blogged earlier this month about the 'thumb in my back' where i talked about my hunch that far too often the call of god looks an awful lot like codependency and manifests itself like another of the church's dirty little secrets of ministry - workaholism and a driven lifestyle:

one of my favorite metaphors about workaholism and that driven mentality is that of a boiling pot. the steam must escape somewhere. we just keep adding fuel, sitting on the lid and trying our darnedest to keep it sealed tight. the truth is that there will always be a place where the steam escapes. it's a law of nature.

i think that the steam escapes either physically, the workaholic's own body betrays him. heart attacks, strokes or other manifestations of the inability to be the six-million dollar pastor. usually those type of ministers don't last. it's the physically healthy ones we prop up on the pedestals - so then the steam must escape elsewhere.

i think family relations are probably the truest vent. the weakest link in the chain of the family dynamic falls apart - usually that 'black sheep' of a pastor's kid who just can't take the all of the stress that the mechanical family is dishing out.

my greatest fear though is that the steam escapes through sin. the rationalization that happens in the mind of an overworked person is an extraordinary thing. entitlement and payback for slaving away can be so very enticing. convincing ourselves that we "deserve" a break or a reward is so easy. but unfortunately the relational ties in the life of the workaholic are so non-existent true celebration and engagement can't happen. so that desire for intimacy won't go unmet and the minister ends up substituting any fix along the way to fill the gaping void of reward and relationship.

the steam is what drives us to back to the hidden personality. we are drained, wounded and need refilled. we don't have the time, relationships, energy, or financial resources to refill in healthy ways, so a quick fix must be found.

ministers are called to create intimacy and community - it is usually a great desire of their heart. i believe that many times we are most broken in the places of our greatest passion. my sexual addiction really has very little to do with sex. it has to do with my deep desire for intimacy. instead of banqueting at the lavish table of kingdom life - i replace the feast of community with the bait of sexual addiction and pornography.

bait for real food. it is why addiction works. it is enough like the real thing to masquerade itself as the banquet. my hidden self would never get an invitation to the banquet, so i must feed myself. the lie of pornography and sexual addiction is that it is going to fill that void. that what i really want is sex, release, pleasure and stimulation. it comes straight from the pit of hell. bait always does. it also always has a hook in it. it is the nature of bait.

i blogged on it here:

satan is the master of the bait and switch. he takes what is given by god and bastardizes it just one notch. instead of healthy, healing, god-given guilt the devil steps in and turns it into shame. guilt brings life and restoration, shame only death and separation.

the only problem is that in an addict's mind the two have never been separated. our minds are so clouded by shame and the addiction that the life giving guilt that allows others to make different choices has been bastardized by the devil into one and the same. shame convinces me that i am wrong, that i have no choice.

that is why a feast can be prepared before an addict and they will choose to eat the ashes. i try to explain it to the youth i work with by talking about fishing. i personally hate fishing, but liam and my father love it.

they wade in the water and offer food to those fish. big, juicy looking worms and bugs. but they aren't offering food are they? they are offering bait. there is always a hook involved in bait. satan is the baitmaster. he holds out the counterfeit and says 'hey look, yummy!' and those pre-disposed to bait end up falling for it. the false intimacy of pornography, the mind numbing effect of drugs or alcohol, the quick fix of adrenaline that comes from risky behavior, the lie of feeling less empty with my mouth full of food. it all has a hook. it's not the feast of amazing.

so my theory is that the root of this problem stems from the inability the church has to wrestle with the questions and not have the answers. i don't know how this can be fixed, but i know we are doing a great disservice to those sincere young men and women who fill our bible schools and seminaries looking for all the answers their idealistic minds can hold. what could be done if we allowed them to dwell in the questions, to teach them to teach others to do the same? to live in the present, feel our emotions and re-learn how to confess our sins.

one of the greatest losses to the protestant church was the discipline of confession. instead of reforming the idea of verbal confession to begin between brothers and sisters in the church and removing it from the 'father confessor' role (which with good theology behind it can still be an amazingly useful tool). james 5:16 tells us that if we confess our sins one to another and pray for each other WE WILL BE HEALED. yes, we are meant to confess to god - but what we forget is the power of confessing to a trusted, kindred soul allows us to see a jesus 'with skin on' and when they don't run screaming from the room something within us heals. we are reassured that 'such is common to all' is really true.

that is truly why the 12 steps work. if the church could re-learn this discipline of confession (instead of accountability, which is a whole different post...) and prayer community could truly be restored. god help us all.

michael gerson for president!

most of you are asking who? he's bush's wheaton graduate, evangelical speech writer. he is the man responsible for the church falling in love with george w. bush. he's the guy you really love people. can't you see that every time gwb is asked about his faith he can't even verbalize it without having gerson's talking points in his hand (or teleprompter to read).

the evangelical church needs to wake up. i honestly think you can still vote for the man if you care to - but please stop buying the propaganda. please be more critical of those who put a public face on christ - stop excusing sinful behavior.

i have been in so many conversations recently with fervent bush supporters who assume because i'm a pastor's wife that i'm in full support of the administration. i totally understand where they are coming from. i was there too myself just this time last year. i bought it all hook, line and sinker. i believed that those misquoted hymns and allusions to scripture verses were truly coming from his heart. in late winter/early spring when he was given the opportunity to own the information that he knew about the war and chose not to i began to sift his words. i began to step back from the propaganda. once i took that one step that said 'if your actions and your words don't match then one of them must be wrong' i began to see how deeply invested our president has become in being 'right' instead of being 'righteous'.

please remember that people who call themselves christians not only pray to a higher power, but they ANSWER to a higher power. gwb has done no such thing. david was a man after god's own heart, not because he was a great king, but because he repented. gwb has had many opportunities to own his mistakes, even small ones, and he has chosen arrogance and 'certainty' over accountability.

for the brave among you please read this article here. certainty in things we have no right to be certain about is sinful. leading a country with words that stir the soul but have no fruit is shameful.

here are some christians who are challenging bush to make his claimed faith real.

United Methodists Call for Accountable Leadership - United Methodists Call for Accountable Leadership

are we as a church so desperate for power that we will cling to that which truly mocks everything we hold dear? says the words we long to hear but truly gives no weight to living a life of true faith in christ? we are told not to judge, but we are told to be fruit inspectors. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control. these words do not come to mind when i think of our president.

i know it's easy to excuse him because presidents have to make difficult decisions, but christian presidents must make even more difficult ones. truth and honesty must be benchmarks as he has put his face on western christianity. he has become a spokesperson for god. he must be held accountable. when he covered instead of exposed, when he excused rather than confessed, when he looked straight into the camera at the american people and said 'no, there are no mistakes that i have made' he shunned the holy spirit. you could see it in the grimaces and pain. he couldn't even stand up straight. please church, wake up. don't be so gullible that just because someone tickles your ears with words you long to hear that you turn off your brain and eat everything he's feeding you.

my favorite president was a horrible politician, and even a horrible president. jimmy carter was a man after god's own heart. he was such a horrible president because those things mattered to him. he wouldn't sacrifice his own faith even for the most powerful position on the face of the earth.

what is worse? a godless man who has no values lying to the american people about an affair with an intern or a god-claiming man who lies to the american people about why he took us to war? the church was so up in arms about bill clinton and his fidelity to his wife, why is it that we can't see when one of 'our own' has fallen?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 5:22-6:3