counting on me

sue from my father's house asked how it was going with buck's JD. i have tried to get words together and onto the blog, but they just haven't come yet. maybe this time they will. i loathe the math that has forced it's way into my life. it is exhausting me mentally. i know that we'll get past this onerous stage, but right now the calculations, counting and numbers make me angry, resentful and tired. i verbalized this at lunch yesterday with my family. i tried to explain the frantic way meal prep feels again. it used to be cooking that overwhelmed me. since moving here i have found a wonderful groove in the kitchen. we have become great cooks and have a lot of healthy, rich, wonderful meals together as a family.

we are making out own instead of pre-packed, reheated grocery store prepped food. it feels so good. but that is part of the problem. prepackaged food comes with this lovely little chart on the side that tells me how many carbs something has. casseroles do not. meat and potatoes is an easy meal to figure out, but much of our menu isn't that lush. we have a budget and mixed up meals are hard to calculate.

each carb has to be counted and treated for buck to function at his best. i told them in tears yesterday that i am so tempted to just hand him a box of lunchables and say "done" (he would love that for a season - lunchables are the be-all and end-all of lunching extravagance in my kids economy). i said if there were breakfast-ables and supper-ables i'd give them to him too - just to be able to have a meal that isn't so freaking exhausting.

it makes me angry that the joy of communing together has been stolen from me (and the level at which this stresses me out steals the joy from the rest of my family...) pre-packaged crap food would be so much easier to feed him. that is why atkins prepackages everything - people who count carbs get tired of it too. yes, there are websites and places like recipezaar give nutritional info on their recipes - but portion sizes are still so random - never does it say "each serving is 1 cup" or 1/2 cup has 12 carbs... the math is basic, but numbers have never been my friend. if i am interrupted at any point in the calculations i have to start over (and over, and over) and i haven't yet found the flow that i know will one day come - but for today it is mind-numbingly frustrating.

the other thing that happened last week was that buck had 2 low episodes at school. they weren't life threatening or even scary - but that means that he is starting to respond to the insulin - and that changes all of the ratios and we have to be much more aware and alert. that level of alert is so tiring. he got up to pee at 3:00 this a.m. and i hopped out of bed to make sure he was okay. i didn't get back to sleep until about 5:30 and had to get up again at 6:30. hyper-vigilance was something i was able to let go of in recovery about 15 months ago - having to re-engage it makes me mad and feels like going backwards.

i told liam this a.m. that it felt like a sick joke that i have just begun to let go of the obsession i had been feeling towards food in the past couple of weeks (it's been amazing btw) and now i'm forced to think about meals and food nearly 1/2 of the day. i'm not obsessing, but i am forced to plan and engage with food like it's my new job.

my recovery is sweeter than it has been in years though and i am reaping the benefits from that. i just need to put some elbow grease into getting some meal plans charted out and have some "thought free" breakfasts and lunches written out so that i'm not spending all of the mental energy i have in the day before 8:00 a.m. when the kids leave for school.

liam and i have both been sitting with empty for quite a bit lately and we are both seeing the changes in our bodies. he's dropped at least 2 sizes and i am feeling so much better in my skin. i am so tempted to weigh myself, but that always does me in, so i am saying no to that scale and allowing my own body to measure itself instead of some random number on a scale. i feel healthy and mostly serene (except when numbers creep into my day!) :)

thanks for asking sue - buck is doing so well. he's amazing and such a sweet kid. it's been such a joy to learn from him as he faces this challenge. he's teaching me so much. i'm thinking about starting a blog for parents with kids and JD - i figure there must be tips and tricks we can learn from each other, and i'd hate for all of this work i'm doing to get organized just to be for me - i just need to think of a catchy name - anyone??

home and exhausted

hi all, don't know how many know as i blogged mostly on my named blog and updated on facebook, (and i can't remember what i wrote here and am to lazy to look) but my son buck is now juvenile diabetic and has a team of incredible doctors/nutritionist/nurse working on his case.

we're home, safe and prepared, but the mental energy it takes to not forget anything is exhausting and i haven't gotten the needed sleep to face even a normal day, let alone this kind of day. i have been writing every day for the past two weeks and my food/abstinence is still good. i'm only eating at meals and have made it through the worst of this storm i think.

hope told me the other day that she could see my recovery was solid because of the way i was able to face this. that meant the world to me. i told her that i have avoided counting and measuring my whole recovery life, so it makes me smile to think i get to do it now out of love for my son instead of out of obligation or legalism for myself. i am learning much.

other than the exhaustion and i fell flat on my butt walking to the house yesterday just was we got home everything is going well. liam is a bit more stressed than normal, but i can't work his program for him, so he'll have to find a way through this all himself. thanks for your prayers - please don't stop. and if you could add pink into the mix we'd appreciate it. she's the only one who really doesn't have anything to "do" for this, so she's feeling a bit left out, some survivor guilt and just the plain old emotions of an 11 year old girl. she's the emotional barometer of our home - and lets us know when we need to be communicating better and spending more time together doing less and being present more.

anyway - i don't even know if this is making any sense, but after lunch i think i'm going to do some good self care and take a nap. much love!

where the rubber hits the road...

remember last week when i said that sitting with empty wasn't the hardest thing i had done and that i figured it was going to get a bit more difficult. well... it has.

i have lost my five pounds of comfort/safety fat and am feeling sexual and feminine again AND (and this is a HUGE AND) my son buck is starting to show signs of something being REALLY WRONG with him physically.

i have always known how blessed we are to have healthy kids. i have watched good friends sit with their own when they are not well and i have regularly counted myself in the "lucky" column on this front. but for the past couple of weeks i have watched as my son adds to the list of symptoms that culminated last night with me scratching his back and feeling his spine and his ribs through his shirt. i had noticed his face had thinned out a lot recently, but chalked it up to a height shift that moves the weight around. it's winter, his clothes are fuller and i honestly can't say that i noticed anything other than that until last night. he's nine. he's growing. but last night i realized when i felt his back that he was loosing weight and not gaining height. i sent him to the scale with directions to call me if his weight was below his marker. 7 lbs! gasp. nine year old boys don't loose seven pounds unless there is something wrong.

i said last week that his uptake in fluids made me concerned as my father is type I diabetic, and it is hereditary (skipping every other generation) - liam brushed me off and i knew that if it was true it wouldn't be the only symptom. the weight loss shows me i'm probably on the right track. liam still thinks i'm making something out of nothing. i know in my heart of hearts i'm not.

these past few nights have been hard not to let my imagination go down some really ugly paths and to stop my anxiety from overtaking my serenity. it's not that diabetes would be the end of the world. i know leaps and bounds have been made in treatment and it is a truly manageable disease. it's the lack of doctors here in this corner of canada that really has me bothered.

buck is the most responsible 9 year old i've ever known. he rarely needs reminded to do anything that he is asked. he is self aware and incredibly confident in asking for what he needs, identifying boundaries that are crossed and explaining himself. i have no doubt that this will be something he can live with and live well with. i just have a concern that he won't get the medical care he will need to face this here.

it is truly my only complaint about living here. this isn't a social medicine thing. i have had the best medical care of my life in canadian hospitals and from canadian doctors. it is a location thing. there just aren't enough doctors. the only one taking patients at this point is incompetent and i refuse to endure her inadequate care for such a large diagnosis and maintenance regime that is necessary for juvenile diabetes.

so today i am going to begin to change the thing i can change. i am contacting the established doctors in our community who would be capable of treating buck to see if they can find the grace to open their practice to let our family into their care.

it's not my favorite thing in the world to do, but i am up to it. but empty and facing this is going to be a true test of my daily commitment to this new abstinence. just for today, right? just for today.

take vitamin d to cut cancer risk

heard on the cbc last night and found the article to link to here:

Boost vitamin D supplements: Canadian Cancer Society

"We're recommending 1,000 IUs daily because the current evidence suggests this amount will help reduce cancer risk with the least potential for harm," said Heather Logan, the society's director of cancer control policy.

"More research is needed to clearly define the amount of Vitamin D that will maximize health benefits."

As more evidence on vitamin D becomes available, the society plans to update its recommendations.

Also Friday, a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed a 60- to 77-per-cent drop in cancer rates among postmenopausal women who took vitamin D combined with calcium, compared with a placebo.

phone calls in the night

liam woke me up and told me my aunt called to let me know that my father was rushed into surgery yesterday for appendicitis and that he was recovering okay.

i wish he had woke me with the phone instead of the information, but i guess he was a bit in shock too.

my dad is healthy. yes, he's got RA and is a type 1 diabetic, but other than that he's fit - 70 years old and plays (wipes the floor) basketball with the highschoolers he helps coach. i can't say this was expected. but then it never is, is it?

i found my lungs frozen. i couldn't get a full breath. it took me a bit to process the thoughts. wisconsin is so very far away. i lay there in bed for about 30 minutes wishing i was by his side, what if something horrible happened? what if? what if? and then i realized that i have said everything. yes, it would be horrible, but there is nothing unspoken. we have a wonderful relationship now. there was nothing i could do last night to make it any better than it already was.

it gave me great peace and i was able to return to sleep.

i'd ask if you might pray for his recovery today. i'd love it if this didn't stop his hook shot or float fishing. he brings a smile to everyone he meets (and a lot of fish) and is so very special. we are planning on meeting at my sisters in july and i would really treasure having time with him again. please also pray for my sister, i know she's going to have a tough time with this one. thank you.

UPDATE: just spoke with my sister, my dad & my aunt (thank god for flat rate phone bills!) and everyone seems to be doing well, especially my father. somehow he was convinced his appendix was on the opposite side it was - so he was convinced it wasn't appendicitis... so thankful my aunt (who he lives with) insisted he go to the hospital. i guess it was just in time - he had 104 temp before they took him into surgery. he lived with us for 5 years before we moved here - so i know how very stubborn he can be about getting help. my aunt deserves a medal for this one! :) thanks for your prayers!

in sickness and in health

i awoke early this morning - too early. the kind of early you lay in bed and think "please god, let me fall back to sleep, i'll never be able to face the day if i don't get more sleep" early. no more sleep for me. my mind started whirring. that is always the beginning of the end of sleep for me. i can sometimes read myself back to sleep, but i didn't even bother. instead i laid in bed and worried.

i tucked my son in last night fevered and ill. he was like fire, cheeks red and little body hot to the touch. i awoke this morning remembering that some in our community have been exposed to scarlet fever. that has such a depression era sound to it for my ears. i think one of my aunts had that when she was a little girl. scarlet fever. what if it is scarlet fever? what does that look like? what does that mean? my mind whirred into quite a spiral. it hasn't done that in a while.

other than that nasty bout of stomach virus we had we've all been incredibly healthy. lucky? blessed? sheltered? i don't know - but i know i drew the long straw here in regard to having healthy kids. i have watched so many parents deal with their own children being sick, enduring surgeries and even sometimes the death of a child.

this morning i spun myself into quite a swirl of 'i knew it, it couldn't last' - somewhere deep within my heart i feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - like i'm just putting in time before the big, ugly diagnosis hits and something tragic happens to one of my kids. it's sick, wrong and very unhealthy, but i'm hoping that writing about it will bring some perspective and peace.

it's 24 hours later - buck has a head cold. fever gone, no scarlet fever. he even chose to go to church and play practice yesterday. all of that worry and energy spent for nothing. hope posted a great nugget of truth yesterday on her blog:

I was reminded to use my energy to work on real problems, not the imaginary ones in my head. That was the nugget of truth I took with me as I left the meeting.

liam told me something he heard the other day - "worry is the misuse of imagination" - and i have far too little energy and way too much i want to be creative with to waste it on worry, right?

if i'm honest i'd have to admit that i also am waiting for a diagnosis for myself too. my friend anj and i have been dialogging about her new diagnosis or RUPUS (a rheumatoid arthritis form of LUPUS) and how that has brought a lot of emotion with it because it was what my mother had (minus the RA). i am 41. my mother died at 43. no one in my family makes it past 40 without a diagnosis of some sort. no one. RA, type 2 diabetes, cancer, etc - i come from a long line of very unhealthy people. if i am completely honest i would have to say that getting a diagnosis would at least feel like i'm past that part - like i know what's headed my way. it sounds so stupid, but i'm being honest. it's like knowing the name of the train thats going to hit you. what does it matter? is there even a train? i have never imagined that there wouldn't be. i have always, every day of my life imagined that i would not live a healthy adult life. yuck.

back in college i took the MMPI and the president of the college, who was teaching the class we took the test for said "if i didn't know you lived with a very sick mother i'd be worried." i guess i scored off the charts on "hypochondria" - it used to be a lot worse than it is now - but i think it is still a deep seated (seeded?) fear that i don't think i've acknowledged "out loud".

i know my father didn't think he'd live past 35 when his own father died (he was killed in a quarry accident) - so maybe this is "normal" (whatever that means) - or maybe i need to really talk about this and think about it and bring it into the light. my mom has been gone for 19 years. i was 21 when she died. my conscious memory with her is shorter than my conscious memory without her. in much of my active memory of her she was very sick.

being sick was a great way to get attention in my house growing up. it was also a good excuse to get out of work. i used sickness to cope for a lot of years. finally one day after i began to achieve some better tools and stronger mental health i realized a lot of the damage that was doing. "it wasn't working for me" anymore. so now i find i can hardly trust myself. am i sick? do i really feel horrible? or am i just trying to avoid something? i'm not a very good judge anymore.

but one thing i do know is that the energy i am burning up worrying about sickness, either in my loved ones or myself is a definite misuse of my wonderful imagination. energy i'd much rather pour into creativity, writing, art and life.

thanks for listening.

links-a-lot

UPDATE: i've added the link to DRC journal 4 as tonya has just published it - wow!

• surfin' with ze-frank - gotta get me one of those surfboards!

• passion is easy, love is hard

• our gypsy girl tonya is changing the world in the democratic republic of congo (DRC). one woman just one day decides to make a difference and does it. she is inspiration personified. i can't be more thrilled that she's letting us journey along with her in her chronicles:

1. DRC Journal Entry 1
2. DRC Journal Entry 2
3. DRC Journal Entry 3
4. DRC Journal Entry 4

• ice like the pros - do you have a chronic knee injury or need to ice regularly? this is the coolest new invention for helping you keep your body working as it should (and it's surprisingly affordable): donjoy iceman cryotherapy unit

• itunes doesn't like vista, or vista doesn't like itunes - info and a possible repair tool can be found here: coolest gadgets -itunes problems with vista

• 3 weeks of therapy and ted haggard is reprogrammed.... err... cured of homosexuality... i'm not making a call on this either way - but i would truly hope that they've gone deeper than just this issue and into why this manifested in his life? are we so naive to believe (the church) that this isn't a way deeper issue than what is portrayed in this article? moby's got some thoughts on the whole issue: moby.com - Do you remember Reverend Ted Haggard?

• rick at new life emerging also has some good thoughts: I swear to tell the truth...
  

• when bad ideas happen to bad people... what is going on? a marriage amendment - forced procreation initiative in washington state... i'm thinking maybe there should be a rule against these people procreating??? dave paisley has some thoughts too: Disaster Area - Stupid Retaliation is Still... Stupid

• got a chance to hear/meet phil visher at the nywc in cincinatti this year. he's blogging and has a great three part series called 'So you want to make Christian Videos" - very readable and FULL of expert, FREE advice - lots of bad news/good news type of things:

1. Part One
2. Part Two
3. Part Three

• sue highlights some thoughts from andy rooney, who i rarely agree with, but this time i think he's right on the money: my father's house: Hats off to Andy Rooney

• vury cool! - nanobatteries

• and last, but not least, are you saving your pennies for a new digital camera?? read this - nyt - breaking the megapixel myth - ht to fosfor gadgets
  

cola causes brittle bones?

article in the daily mail regarding the phosphoric acid in colas being linked to brittle bones. as a great lover of diet soda this will help me to make better choices.

Daily News: Women Warned to Stop Drinking Colas to Avoid Brittle Bones

willow's natural cold remedy

we're all out sick here with various and sundry symptoms and i stumbled across this today:
willow's yummiest natural cold remedy

Boil a big pot of purified water.
Turn heat down to low when it boils.
Add fresh organic ginger, sliced thinly. Use about 2" of ginger root.
Scrub 1 each organic lemon and lime. Slice thin (including rind) into the water.
Add a small amount of organic cayenne - just a dash.
Add some honey to taste.
Let it simmer on lowest heat for a couple hours.
Keep it on the stove all day & have a cup whenever possible.
mmmmMMMMmmmm!!!

thank you willow! it smells amazing - can't wait to taste it!

hot and black please!

NYT article - Things You Don't Know, Can't Know and Don't Want to Know:

Make That a Skim Mocha

Your morning Starbucks latte may never seem as sweet again.

If you thought you were being nutritionally virtuous by stopping at Starbucks instead of McDonald’s, the Center for Science in the Public Interest says, “Wrong!’’

A venti — or 20-ounce — Caffè Mocha with whipped cream has 490 calories, equivalent to a Quarter Pounder with cheese. And a 24-ounce Java Chip Frappuccino with whipped cream has 650 calories, not to mention almost an entire day’s allowance of saturated fat.

According to the center, a nutritional advocacy group, the Frappuccino is equivalent in calories to a McDonald’s coffee plus 11 of their creamers and 29 packets of sugar.

thanks will!

ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism

this is what happens when dotors making a buck over-rules counselling patients. addiction is addiction is addiction. it's not about food people. it's about feeling empty, lost and out of control.

a couple of years ago i met a couple at recovery who both had bypass and were both now facing their alcoholism. while i'm sad that people are struggling with this i am glad it's finally coming into the forefront of the media.
ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism

familiar feelings

for the past few days i have shut down. since i've been taking the magnesium i have been sleeping like the dead, and making up for years of interrupted sleep. the heat and 'free floating anxiety' have just stopped me in my tracks.

trying to put my finger on the emotions when they become so overwhelming is difficult. i spend much of the time beating myself up for being overwhelmed and trying to figure out what has stalled me.

last friday my mother-in-law called and said 'oh dear, i know we were talking about coming down at the end of the month/beginning of aug. but we've been talking - how does the 13th sound for you?" you mean THURSDAY?? sigh. forward thinking isn't one of her strong suits. it actually works out fine, so they are driving today to arrive this late this evening.

so for some time i had assumed it was just overwhelming that i was having company and my 'space' was going to be invaded. they are truly the easiest of company. no cleaning necessary and so laid back. she'll even help me sew my curtains while she's here.

then i realized that i was feeling some real familiar emotions that i didn't like at all. liam is teaching on sunday. once i put my finger on that issue everything opened up and made sense. i have totally backed off and allowed his capable self to manage things. he's not overworking so he really has time to do this. it's been hard not to be overly involved, but i know that the fear of 'representing' and putting our best face on is what drives my need to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything or try to steer the cart in the direction "i think it should go". i've been proud of myself for not being overly involved.

but we're getting down to the wire - and now with his parents coming it will eat up any contemplative time he might have otherwise taken. and i know that the stress of 'sunday' will begin to build - and i don't like to do emotions in public. feeling watched/judged is a big fear of mine. i make up what people are thinking and become suspicious and paranoid.

i also realized that this is a level of engaging into the community that i'm really not comfortable with. i have a deep seated fear of institutions. i have not been treated well by them. this church is about as 'institutional-less' as you can get, but there is still a 'belonging' that happens, and if you belong, you can be rejected. and the fear of rejection is a bit more than i can bear right now.

that pushes my co-dependent buttons and makes me want to spit and polish liam and his notes in a last ditch effort to make sure we won't be rejected. oh it pains me to type this. i hate that this all matters to me. i know it's uncovered a huge sore on my soul. the wounding of the past churches has truly left me shell-shocked. i want to run free, not have anything required of me and not have any ties that could hurt me again. but deep down i know that isn't the answer. no community or intimacy is not how we were meant to live. so being present to these emotions is where i sit this morning. trying to feel them without them pushing me into my addictions and co-addictions. damn. pretending is so much more fun.

pray for me. it's going to be a scorcher weekend here. this space already feels a bit tight when it's hot and the kids are home. throw in a couple more people and i'm sure it's going to tempt me to bolt. i guess heading to the ocean will drop the temperature and the open space will do us all good.

on a side note, we went to the island the other day and as i sat with my family at the lighthouse and watched the sea i had a long-time prayer answered. i got to see 8 whale backs surface. i will be posting about this on my other blog sometime this weekend. whales and i have a long history that i didn't understand and i am starting to put the pieces together. it was a sacred time indeed. have a great day!

random update

it's been so long since i've written, or at least so much has happened since i wrote last. i hardly know where to start. bronchitis seems to be gone - but lungs still aren't normal. maybe it's just allergies, but i fear i've done something dumb. with all of the renovations of pink's room i had a really cool antiqque mirror in an awesome wooden frame... i sanded it without a mask, not even thinking about old paint - and i am wondering if it was lead paint, and then wondering what lead paint does... i have heard it used to make hatters mad (lead linings in hats)...

i was supposed to see the doctor on tuesday but had to cancel to pick up the owner of our last home - and oh did we have an amazing time together. she is kindred and never before have i met someone who understood so fully what it was like to be a silenced woman in the pb church. she has very similar giftings and callings - and we have shared deeply and bonded already.

her husband is driving their car up, so i got to pick her up alone at the airport. i dropper her off at her home after a tour and said i'd come back to pick her up for supper at our place. she ended up with a horrible migrane and spent the night in pink's bed too ill to move. we spent all of yesterday continuing our 'getting to know you' conversation and had a wonderful time.

at one point she got serious and said 'i never imagined moving away from the best community i've ever had to come to a new place with friends and family already waiting for me.' isn't that sweet? to know that she needed/wants my friendship as much as i need and want hers. it means so much to me. and this woman dreams really BIG!! i can't wait to see what god is doing here!

oh, and i think i'm going to start marketing a new diet... it's called the move twice in four months diet... you gain the weight back in the four months because of the stress, but with the next move it drops right off again... it's an expensive one though - costs about $1000 per pound... but it's nice to be on this side of the 10 lbs instead of the other!

we are also debt free again. we just couldn't stand the debt. we become different people with debt - we wanted to be who we were before the unemployment so we cashed out one of our 'major' (ha) investments stateside and paid off everything. after that happened we even got 3 suprises from uncle sam. i guess the pastor who had been doing our taxes didn't take some child tax benefit for the past 4 years and we got 3 nice little bonuses. i call them 'god's savings accounts' - they would have been negligible to us back then, but now we get to enjoy this manna from above. one went to installing a dishwasher in the apartment - thank you jesus! i call it the 'magic box' - dirty dishes in, sparkling dishes out - ta da! i feel like a magician every time i open it! it's really the difference of being on top of my housework or spending far too much time in the kitchen.

one of the good things about being without it for a season was that pink and buck learned that filling and emptying a dishwasher isn't really as bad as they used to think it was! HA! it is fun though to sit in the living room after dinner and listen to them wash the dishes together. pink washes and buck dries and puts away - they have quite the little system going. very cute.

when we first moved in pink said 'oh yah, i don't have to load/unload the dishwasher anymore!' i said 'yah, but now you have to wash dishes.' she said 'oh yay - i love to wash dishes' me 'well pink, unfortunately you'll find that there is a difference between i 'get' to wash dishes and i 'have' to wash dishes.' they both cheered when we picked up the dishwasher! :)

well, the family is stirring - thanks for your prayers and concern about my health - it's meant a lot to me, and i don't think we would have gotten through this past month without it! ttfn!

psa - muscle cramps and chills

just a friendly public service announcement for anyone trying to google answers to their muscle cramps and chills - MAGNESIUM!

anyone who has read my blog for awhile knows that i struggled with intense cold chills. it could be the middle of summer and i could still be wracked with debilitating cold chills. also my muscles had started to cramp so badly i couldn't kneel, i was getting shooting cramps up my ribcage and foot and leg cramps would wake me out of deep sleep.

i was at church the other day trying to clear past liam in the chairs and i got a muscle cramp in my leg. the woman we were talking to said 'magnesium' - pardon? magnesium is what you need to deal with muscle cramps. i said i thought it was potassium, she said 'nope, magnesium'.

so here i am a couple weeks past that and i've been taking 3 magnesium tablets a day every day and i am cramp and chill free. it is a good thing!

such a good thing i can't believe that my doctor of five years (who i complained to every time i saw her...) never ONCE did the calcium/magnesium test or just recommended it. maybe this is a deep, dark secret?? don't know - but i have found an answer and just wanted to pass it on to you.

(i also have a sneaking suspicion it will help with migranes as i haven't had even the hint of a headache or tension in my neck or scalp - worth giving it a try???)

UPDATE: i'm also sleeping better and dreaming again, go figure???

globeandmail.com : The skinny on trans fats in fast food

as a child i was raised on trans fats - my binge food of choice was filled with it that horrible white cream filling. liam and i have banned it from our home for almost a year now and it gives me a lot of peace knowing that i won't be doing to my kids what was done to us.

we need to put pressure on fast food and grocery stores here in canada to clean up their acts. raising children in this fast paced culture sometimes necessitates quick meals - our options are very limited at times. even the loblaws chain of grocery stores still has tons of trans fats in their bakery section of the store.

here is a great article from the globe & mail regarding kids quick meals at the big chains:

globeandmail.com : The skinny on trans fats in fast food

antibiotic #3

okay, i'm getting really sick of this bronchitis not clearing up. the dr. put me on z-pac today and the mass dose has wiped me out - hopefully the germs feel the same way.

hope you're all enjoying health and wholeness today!

please be an organ donor

Orange County Weekly:

"Jim Gilliam can sound like the slickest Hollywood producer when he seamlessly slides into a sales pitch for organ donations. Simply filling out the DMV form when you renew your driver’s license and affixing the donor sticker to your license is apparently not enough. Gilliam urges potential donors to visit donatelife.org, join the national registry and make your loved ones aware of your intentions."

“Any donor can save eight lives,” he says in a way that makes you think of eight total strangers and not the man you’re looking at, the man in desperate need of two lungs.

Share Your Life

still praying jim!

i'm tired of moving

life here has gotten a bit overwhelming - lots of good things too, not all bad, but i'm feeling it and the second wave of relocation has hit me. i am aware of it, and feeling it - and hopefully facing it in a healthier way than i've faced some other moves we've made - but i can feel it's residual stress deep down in my bones. i have actually been carrying it in my muscles.

whether a genetic trait, or a by-product of a stressful childhood i have a very bad habit. i tense and lock my muscles instead of sitting relaxed and loose. this is especially prominent in my jaw, shoulders and my bum. i carry all of my stress there and screw up my body and cause myself a lot of discomfort. anger and resentment somehow sits in my butt muscles - the seed of my soul? i don't know - but i have been carrying a lot of resentment and anger there and it can be nearly crippling if i don't pay attention to it.

breathing, stretching (damn i've got to get over my inhibitions and get my butt to yoga) and actually feeling and processing the emotions that cause me to lock up and freeze. i've never been good at the limber sports - running, swimming, dance, gymnastics, tennis, golf - but give me a ball to hit hard and far, score a basket, spike a volleyball - strong muscle sports and i excelled. i could never even do a bridge (as a young in shape 2nd grader) or touch my toes when limber young muscles should be able to stretch. so both genetics and bad body connections play into the fact that i am now coiled as tight as a spring and on the verge of incapacitating myself (could that be what i really want - flat on my back in bed??) if i don't start to relax, loosen up and breathe through some of this.

so, i've lit my candles, will sit and meditate on my story for saturday (i'll blog about that later) and spend a day focused on lightening the load. we move in less than a month and if i don't come apart i've realized i'm going to come apart...

i always wanted some letters after my name...

well, it's official - i have adhd. do you think anyone would notice if i added those after BSc? he also said he suspected that i am in a mild depression. interesting. i knew this winter was harder than it should have been. he said he didn't have a lot to compare to, since he's only seen me for 3 appointments, but he said to mention it to the treating psychiatrist he's referred me to. he also mentioned the term 'affective spectrum disorder' so i'm looking into what that means. new studies seem to indicate that there is a generational link that is possible. i know i've seen it in both liam's and my heritage, and poor pink and buck seem to be as similar to our afflictions too...

i'm excited to get into treatment. hopefully the woman he recommended will take me as a patient. if not my options aren't that great, so if you remember and have the time please pray i can get into the one he recommended (and that the medication and life management will help get my focus back).

thanks!

hormones

i have a girlfriend who always said that teeth were the only mistake god ever made. i personally will have a few questions for him about hormones.

with this thyroid stuff going on mine are so out of whack. i am not sleeping at all. 3:44 rolls around every morning and blink... i awaken. i try for all i'm worth to remember that fading dream, find a way to reunite myself with that state of restful oblivion that i was experiencing only moments ago. breathe... crap... it's not working, mind is engaging... no mind, stop engaging... sleep... rest... breathe...

crap.

mind engaged. okay, i'll lay here and pray. okay, now i'll lay here and ponder. okay, now i've got to pee. if i pee i'll never get back to sleep. if i don't pee i'll never get back to sleep... sigh. roll on side, less pressure on bladder, maybe that will help... sigh.

crap.

doesn't help. look at clock. 4:30... oh i might as well just get up.

that has been my struggle for the past months. i have tried everything (no anj, i haven't given up coffee yet, but i have cut back...) naps, no naps, going to bed at 8:30 when i can't even keep my eyes open, or fighting to stay up until midnight just with the hopes of sleeping until 5:00. 5:00 - isn't that insane? it's become my magic number. remember when it was 11:00? if i can just sleep past 11:00 - oh, then i'll really have slept. 5:00. crap.

in doing research for thryoid disease i saw that one of the symptoms of low thyroid is insomnia. i've never said that word out loud or typed it before. in-som-ni-a. it always seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophesy. if you don't say it, you don't have it. if you say it, it will never go away. insomnia. crap.

i know nothing else to do but embrace it. if we had a meandering estate this wouldn't be a problem, i could clean, i could do something productive, i have all of this energy - but we are so squished in here that even flushing the toilet wakes everyone up. i tiptoe trying to protect the slumber of those i love so much.

so i read blogs, catch up on the bbc news website (i still haven't watched the news since the election - it's been so nice not to care about the dynamics of the talking heads anymore) to make sure the world is still intact, and if anything catches my eye i'll stay and read awhile. did you know that alpaca farmers in peru are loosing their prized breading alpacas to aplaca rustlers over the border? i do now. i even watched the little clip of the woman in the andes reporting as they placed lojacks in the ears of those fuzzy, upset alpacas. crap. i wish i was sleeping.