pink and i had an important conversation yesterday. she's 12 and we've been navigating this "tween" thing for a bit now. she's starting to individualize and define herself apart from liam and i - we know this is an important stage, specifically for us as parents. how to guide her through this process so she knows we're here and there are boundaries, but not to do so with heavy hands and push her into rebellion.
music is one of the ways she is defining herself - not uncommon for pre-teens. i have the itunes account, so purchases are "through mom" at the moment. our agreement is that we sit down and listen to the song together, i read the lyrics, if i struggle with them, she reads them out loud and then we watch the video together. if the song passes that muster the purchase is made. it brings a lot of dialog and interaction. yesterday it created a bit of friction that we processed out together.
she falls into the bubble gum, disney kids type of music. i was thrilled that branched into hairspray recently, but most of the music is "oooh he likes me", "gosh i think he's cute" and "oh, my heart is broken" kind of drivel. it's so difficult for me to watch this young, vibrant lady begin to define herself as a "half" person because her culture is beginning to tell her that without a man in her life she is not whole.
we listened to taylor swift and ashley tisdale songs and so few of them were empowering to her as an individual. it breaks my heart. i started to ask some questions and try to help her untangle the message these songs were telling her. i got the "you only want me to listen to christian music" feedback and i balked. so.not.true. i tried to help her understand that the movies she watches, the books she reads and the music she listens to are forming her stories. it is normal for a lot of those stories to be about relationships, even relationships with boys. but if every story she buys into keeps telling her that she's only 1/2 a person without a man she will begin to believe it.
too much pressure for a twelve year old. too much pressure for my single 40 year old friends. i loathe that kind of misinformation. i used the three taylor swift videos as an example (wow, she is a beautiful little barbie doll that one...)
first an adorable song about a boy who is her friend but doesn't know she exists. the second about the boy who scatters roses in her room and writes her love notes and the third about the boy who has dumped her and she wants to burn his pictures and she fantasizes about trashing his apartment and licking all of his utensils and spitting into his mouthwash. all really well done, all fun, interesting songs w/ intelligent lyrics - but in 15 minutes we have the scope of this little girls life. three relationships that burn bright for a millisecond and flash out with broken hearts and boatloads of pain. that young, beautiful woman will be shattered by mid life with these kind of rotating door relationships.
i got to tell pink that even if you do get the boy who writes you love notes and scatters roses at your feet it lasts for a whole 10 minutes. liam and i had a wonderful courtship. but was it reality? 25 years later, if feels like about 10 minutes. i just long for her to balance out the dreamy romance with stories that form her into her whole self. stories that empower her. stories that open her up past the doors of the school and the dances and show her the vast world that is waiting for her.
that is why bands like superchick float my boat. it's not that they are "christian" - most of their songs have little to do with "jesus" specifically - but whole life, facing the hard places and moving through them. those are the kind of stories i long for her to hear.
Showing posts with label superchick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label superchick. Show all posts
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
stand in the rain
i.heart.super.chick
these lyrics just slay me.
listening to the new cd on newreleasetuesday.com
go listen!
Stand in the Rain
She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
these lyrics just slay me.
listening to the new cd on newreleasetuesday.com
go listen!
Stand in the Rain
She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
Monday, June 02, 2008
Friday, March 23, 2007
max wax
one of my favorite people i've never yet met is max hsu of superchic(k) fame. he's so talented, funny and generous. i remember a couple of years ago opening my inbox to an email from him that said 'thanks for all the nice things you write about superchick" or something like that - totally unsolicited, so incredibly validating.
max has a blog that i read whenever he posts, about 3-4 times a month and today he shows that he's as masterful at storytelling as he is a producing music and photography.
you can find it here:
Life after happily ever after. The true story of a fairy tale ending.
oh, and you have to look at his photos.
and here's a picture of his puppy dog, brynn, that is just too cute for words:
max has a blog that i read whenever he posts, about 3-4 times a month and today he shows that he's as masterful at storytelling as he is a producing music and photography.
you can find it here:
Life after happily ever after. The true story of a fairy tale ending.
oh, and you have to look at his photos.
and here's a picture of his puppy dog, brynn, that is just too cute for words:
Saturday, November 04, 2006
impeding progress
max wax, the blog of max hsu (superchick fame) has a great post on following your dream - and i need this kick in the pants today:
As you well know if you're a regular here, I'm a big fan of people chasing their dreams. Here's the max formula yet again:thanks max, i needed that!
1. dream,
2. research/plan,
3. try,
4. fail,
5. repeat.
after lunch today with a friend who's road managing a backstreet boy, I have come to this conclusion:
Sometimes people get stuck in the planning stage. I believe in planning. I love research. I think before you embark on any endeavor you should ask someone who's done it to tell you all about it. If you don't know any astronauts/ballerinas/pro bass fishermen you should read a book about it. But here's where it goes wrong. If after 60 days you're spending more time planning than doing, you're probably letting fear keep you in the planning stage. If you've pretty much only done planning then you're most likely stuck. Planning feels like progress. But it can actually impede progress if you never get past the planning stage.
So quit waiting for the weekend to work on your book. Quit building the perfect creative space. Quit reading books about creativity. Quit reading this blog. Hold your nose and jump in. Get your feet wet. Make beginner art. Be bad at something. Get your bum in the chair and create/practice/snowboard or whatever it is you wanted to do.
Friday, August 18, 2006
today we remember to live and to love
i'm typing in my lap on the laptop my hubby has just been given by a friend, a dear, dear friend. he saw the need in liam to have a tool for his graphics and art and this is it. he switched to a mac a bit ago and this was just 'there'. he really wanted to sell it - but just felt burdened to give it to liam. what generosity and love.
so i'm in my bedroom typing - this feels so weird.
i awoke with the lyrics to the superchick song in my head:
we live, we love,
we forgive and never give up
cause days we are given are gifts from above
and today we remember to live and to love.
this is such a gift. having my dad and aunt here. god orchestrated this one.
my dad and i are traversing new territory. he can see and feel the changes in me. he isn't a very conversational man. if you get him talking about history or subjects he knows and loves (hunting, fishing, sports...) he will chat your ears off (minnesota language systems - garrison keillor) but to just sit and be present and engage in a conversation - very unheard of. he asks questions sometimes which shows he wants to engage but doesn't really know how.
he's been trying to 'define me' (or redefine??) and has been asking
(okay i'm back on my trusty old compy - there must have been a shortcut on the laptop keyboard because it kept publishing my blog... i only have a small window to blog in this a.m. so i want to get it all out)
he's been asking me if i'm going to get a job at a pharmacy, or as a secretary (like i always have)- i finally had to say 'i've decided dad that since they'll let me serve here at this church, and there is so much in this area that needs done, i'm going to be doing kingdom work every chance i get'
then later yesterday he said 'so, you're taking classes too, right? are you going to get a counseling degree?'
i said 'no dad, these people believe women can minister too and i will have a masters in ministry and be pastoring a church with liam when this is done.'
what happened inside of my body when i said those words was something that never happened before. blood rushed into my head, i felt dizzy and floaty and exhilarated and terrified. i never realized before that i have NEVER so clearly stated to my father my call, my gifts and my passion. my aunt was sitting there (orchestrated by god for moral support) and my dad didn't say much after that. it's not uncommon for him to leave responses to his questions lie. as i said above he's not much of a conversationalist. he just sat there for a minute and then went upstairs.
i told my aunt about what happened in my body when i said those words. how i had never spoken up for myself with him before. i honestly never realized it. i would have thought i had passed this ground before - but i hadn't. never. afterward i felt like i should go up and apologize to him. i told my aunt that and she said 'for what?' - i realized i spoke my truth in love, i didn't disrespect him, but i didn't cow-tow to his belief system either. this was a huge step for me.
huge.
he came down later just like nothing had transpired. which too is par for the course. but not my course. never my course again. i'm not playing that game ever again.
he can look at me and see how much healthier, happier and content i am here. he knows it. he can sense it in his bones. deep within him is calling to deep within me - i have found my deep (well some of it at least). and it feels so good. i have verbalized my call. i hope to be able to unwrap it a bit for him - but if i don't have the opportunity it will be because of his fear, and not my own.
i thought this morning about him bragging on his kids. he had just come from a family funeral, and a big fishing trip with people from the camp i grew up at - so he had lots of people to 'fill in' in the past month with how his kids are doing. he mentioned yesterday that he hadn't understood liam's job well and didn't explain it well to people. it made me think about what he's going to tell people about me. the circles he runs in are very conservative. i think he'd rather have me backslidden or even doing something as shameful as prostituting myself so he wouldn't have to say 'my daughter is a pastor'... oh the irony is so sweet i can taste it.
my aunt's confirmation of my words was just as sweet - sweeter even. she is so proud of me. she gets it. she knew my mom like her own sister. she knew she was strangled by those beliefs as much as i was. she sees the redemption here even if he can't.
so today i will love my father, appreciate him for all he is and celebrate what i have of our relationship and if given the chance try to blow a bit more air into the balloon of his belief system so he would be more able to appreciate my own.
today we remember to live and to love.
so i'm in my bedroom typing - this feels so weird.
i awoke with the lyrics to the superchick song in my head:
we live, we love,
we forgive and never give up
cause days we are given are gifts from above
and today we remember to live and to love.
this is such a gift. having my dad and aunt here. god orchestrated this one.
my dad and i are traversing new territory. he can see and feel the changes in me. he isn't a very conversational man. if you get him talking about history or subjects he knows and loves (hunting, fishing, sports...) he will chat your ears off (minnesota language systems - garrison keillor) but to just sit and be present and engage in a conversation - very unheard of. he asks questions sometimes which shows he wants to engage but doesn't really know how.
he's been trying to 'define me' (or redefine??) and has been asking
(okay i'm back on my trusty old compy - there must have been a shortcut on the laptop keyboard because it kept publishing my blog... i only have a small window to blog in this a.m. so i want to get it all out)
he's been asking me if i'm going to get a job at a pharmacy, or as a secretary (like i always have)- i finally had to say 'i've decided dad that since they'll let me serve here at this church, and there is so much in this area that needs done, i'm going to be doing kingdom work every chance i get'
then later yesterday he said 'so, you're taking classes too, right? are you going to get a counseling degree?'
i said 'no dad, these people believe women can minister too and i will have a masters in ministry and be pastoring a church with liam when this is done.'
what happened inside of my body when i said those words was something that never happened before. blood rushed into my head, i felt dizzy and floaty and exhilarated and terrified. i never realized before that i have NEVER so clearly stated to my father my call, my gifts and my passion. my aunt was sitting there (orchestrated by god for moral support) and my dad didn't say much after that. it's not uncommon for him to leave responses to his questions lie. as i said above he's not much of a conversationalist. he just sat there for a minute and then went upstairs.
i told my aunt about what happened in my body when i said those words. how i had never spoken up for myself with him before. i honestly never realized it. i would have thought i had passed this ground before - but i hadn't. never. afterward i felt like i should go up and apologize to him. i told my aunt that and she said 'for what?' - i realized i spoke my truth in love, i didn't disrespect him, but i didn't cow-tow to his belief system either. this was a huge step for me.
huge.
he came down later just like nothing had transpired. which too is par for the course. but not my course. never my course again. i'm not playing that game ever again.
he can look at me and see how much healthier, happier and content i am here. he knows it. he can sense it in his bones. deep within him is calling to deep within me - i have found my deep (well some of it at least). and it feels so good. i have verbalized my call. i hope to be able to unwrap it a bit for him - but if i don't have the opportunity it will be because of his fear, and not my own.
i thought this morning about him bragging on his kids. he had just come from a family funeral, and a big fishing trip with people from the camp i grew up at - so he had lots of people to 'fill in' in the past month with how his kids are doing. he mentioned yesterday that he hadn't understood liam's job well and didn't explain it well to people. it made me think about what he's going to tell people about me. the circles he runs in are very conservative. i think he'd rather have me backslidden or even doing something as shameful as prostituting myself so he wouldn't have to say 'my daughter is a pastor'... oh the irony is so sweet i can taste it.
my aunt's confirmation of my words was just as sweet - sweeter even. she is so proud of me. she gets it. she knew my mom like her own sister. she knew she was strangled by those beliefs as much as i was. she sees the redemption here even if he can't.
so today i will love my father, appreciate him for all he is and celebrate what i have of our relationship and if given the chance try to blow a bit more air into the balloon of his belief system so he would be more able to appreciate my own.
today we remember to live and to love.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
superchic[k] - beauty from pain
yee haw! i've got it in my hot little hands!!! it doesn't release until the 29th, but they gave it early to interlinc subscribers.this cd was supposed to be released last november, and i promised it to pink for christmas, and it's finally here! i know i rant and rave about how much i LOVE this band, and if you don't get it i'm sorry, but i'm going to keep ranting - i wanted a soundtrack for my life that validated me without it all being about relationships, boys and 'luv' - and i want to give this to pink.
the cover of this has tricia's megaphone, it's cracked and bruised, duct taped and covered in stickers - to me that megaphone is a metaphor of this woman's voice - and she's been using it - empowering a generation of young women in a way that was never available to me.
you'll be so sick of all of the lyrics i forsee myself posting about, but i'm starting with the lead song 'anthem' - read all the way to the end - the last lines are the best!
for pink:
here's to the one's who don't give up
here's to the one's who don't give up
here's to the one's who don't give up
this is your anthem
get your hands up
we are fire inside
we are lipstick and cleats
we are not going home and we're playing for keeps
we are girls with skinned knees
we are concrete and grace
we are not what you think
can't keep us in our place
here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars
here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playing guitar
here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard
you'll never let them say you'll never get that far
never get that far
never get that
we are fire inside
we are an army asleep
we are a people awakening to follow their dreams
we don't have time for your games
we have our own goals to score
we have trophies to win
instead of being one of yours
Saturday, June 26, 2004
sunburn, claustrophobia and vip treatment
i'm back... and never going camping again! :)
the change of pace was great, the event itself was incredible, but i'm just plain old not made for camping. i had forgotten how much i hate tents, even though ours is 10' x 20' it still left me with thoughts of turning into the incredible hulk and running through the side for some fresh air. trapped is not a feeling that i am comfortable with, but i lived.
i spent today fulfilling a promise to my 8 year old daughter pink, we are big superchick fans and because our friend blessed us with vip passes, we got down front, dead center - best standing room in the arena for the concert and waited over 1 hour to get her cd jacket signed (we even got to pet their pet toy yorkie 'belle'!). we ended up baking in the sun for over 3 hours and i am fried. i haven't been this sunburned since the days of baby oil and iodine trying to convince my high school skin that i 'just needed a base' to get a tan - it never worked. my scandanavian heritage doesn't have one ounce of pigment and my red hair and freckles just leave me on the short end of the melatonin scale.
i have missed you all (and have 100's of entries in my bloglines to 'catch up' on). the blog world has gone on without me believe it or not!
i will begin again with the prayer thoughts after a good shower, a wonderful nights sleep in my own bed and a fresh ground cup of real coffee in the morning! night all!
the change of pace was great, the event itself was incredible, but i'm just plain old not made for camping. i had forgotten how much i hate tents, even though ours is 10' x 20' it still left me with thoughts of turning into the incredible hulk and running through the side for some fresh air. trapped is not a feeling that i am comfortable with, but i lived.
i spent today fulfilling a promise to my 8 year old daughter pink, we are big superchick fans and because our friend blessed us with vip passes, we got down front, dead center - best standing room in the arena for the concert and waited over 1 hour to get her cd jacket signed (we even got to pet their pet toy yorkie 'belle'!). we ended up baking in the sun for over 3 hours and i am fried. i haven't been this sunburned since the days of baby oil and iodine trying to convince my high school skin that i 'just needed a base' to get a tan - it never worked. my scandanavian heritage doesn't have one ounce of pigment and my red hair and freckles just leave me on the short end of the melatonin scale.
i have missed you all (and have 100's of entries in my bloglines to 'catch up' on). the blog world has gone on without me believe it or not!
i will begin again with the prayer thoughts after a good shower, a wonderful nights sleep in my own bed and a fresh ground cup of real coffee in the morning! night all!
Monday, June 21, 2004
re-creation
i think that recreation is so important, i have little idea how to do it, but i think it's really important. to that end our family has been gifted 4 passes to creation east this week, and we are heading up tomorrow to beat the crowds. one of the adult coaches in my husband's youth group has a lot of connections and he can get us in the gate early. so off we go... to camp... and use port-a-potties, and cold showers and hang out with 90,000 of our closest friends... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
and i know it's not hugely emergent to love christian bands, but i do - i get to hear kutless, fm static and superchick, switchfoot and relient k. delirious and jars of clay, audio a and third day. and of course my all time favorite DCB - i have to get the remainder of signatures on my cd jacket. just so you know david crowder is the nicest 'famous person' i've ever had the opportunity to meet. he treated this 38 year old woman like a real human being and chatted with me like we were old friends.
i'm also looking forward to hearing rob bell teach for 2 sessions. he is one of the most gifted speakers i've heard in recent years.
but unlike most bloggers i am laptop-less... and that is my biggest regret. i will miss these keys and this screen. i feel like i'm leaving my children behind. sounds like i need this break (or an intervention) doesn't it?? i can feel the withdrawl shakes happening already.
back to the pen and paper. and some silence and solitude will definately be happening. and i'm sure i'll get to read some of those books i've been setting aside to blog. breathe...
so have a great week. if i can find a computer anywhere on site i will drop in and say 'hi'. you're in my prayers!
and i know it's not hugely emergent to love christian bands, but i do - i get to hear kutless, fm static and superchick, switchfoot and relient k. delirious and jars of clay, audio a and third day. and of course my all time favorite DCB - i have to get the remainder of signatures on my cd jacket. just so you know david crowder is the nicest 'famous person' i've ever had the opportunity to meet. he treated this 38 year old woman like a real human being and chatted with me like we were old friends.
i'm also looking forward to hearing rob bell teach for 2 sessions. he is one of the most gifted speakers i've heard in recent years.
but unlike most bloggers i am laptop-less... and that is my biggest regret. i will miss these keys and this screen. i feel like i'm leaving my children behind. sounds like i need this break (or an intervention) doesn't it?? i can feel the withdrawl shakes happening already.
back to the pen and paper. and some silence and solitude will definately be happening. and i'm sure i'll get to read some of those books i've been setting aside to blog. breathe...
so have a great week. if i can find a computer anywhere on site i will drop in and say 'hi'. you're in my prayers!
Friday, June 18, 2004
the wisdom to know the difference
requesting wisdom is the mother of all prayer requests. solomon was given carte blanch from god and he picked wisdom and was honored for it. (maybe there should be another line in the prayer that says 'help me to use the wisdom you give me' because solomon didn't and got himself into a houseful of trouble).
knowing the difference between bad and good is usually easy to spot. even children have the ability to decipher that. choosing between good and best is where things get murky and grey. figuring out the difference between the things i have to accept as they are, and things that i need courage to change. this is where the rubber meets the road.
differences are very often arbitrary. what seems like something you would choose to change might be something that i can live with. so this wisdom needs to be asked for in daily doses, like manna from heaven. yesterday's wisdom doesn't fit today's circumstances. just because i made that choice yesterday today might mean that today it may need to be different.
serenity comes when that balance is struck.
my father lives with us. what he chooses to live with, the difficulties of his life sometimes overflow into mine. it is a very fine line that i must tread in establishing those boundaries that keep his chaos from inflicting itself on me.
he's a 'white knuckle' dry alcoholic. has been for 31 years. he's the most determined man i know. but the evidence of addiction is still winding it's way throughout every choice he makes like vines and tendrils binding themselves to him. he has no serenity. each choice is governed by his replacement addictions, codependency, spending and food. it's a daily reminder to me to make the choice to pray this prayer.
today god, i need wisdom. wisdom to know when to speak, and when to be silent. when to challenge and when to fall back. what can i do today that will move me forward instead of backwards? because really, in recovery - if you aren't going forward, you're really falling back.
so just for today, what needs to happen?
during my first run through of the steps i thought i had a recovery buddy. i've never had a sponsor, it's been one of my greatest discouragements in my recovery. but this person was someone i thought i could trust, i thought 'got it'. she agreed to hear my step 5 (my searching and fearless moral inventory). so i diligently worked on my step 4 inventory and prepared myself to be able to give it away to her. about a month before we scheduled 'the time' she flaked on me. no explanation, just said she didn't feel comfortable and i'd have to find someone else. i was crushed.
wounded and broken i became frozen in my recovery. it halted at that place for about 2 years. who could i trust? who would love me enough to hear my most horrible parts and not flake, or even greater still, love me? at least she flaked before i told her my secrets, but i was so hurt.
i learned some very good lessons from that difficult time. being wise as serpents and gentle as doves (i think that's the quote?) is necessary. learning lessons the hard way does teach us wisdom, as long as we take the time to pull those events apart and learn from them.
finding safe people, people who respect your journey and your boundaries, friends who will walk along side you and challenge without judging is what we all truly long for. surround yourself with people who build you up and limit your interaction with people who don't.
the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. where am i doing this in my life? where am i spinning my wheels, stuck and mired down? facing the places that this is happening takes courage and determination. once we realize that the only place real change can take place is 'within' then the journey becomes much different than it looked before.
i adore the band superchick, i am thrilled my daughter has such empowering music to grow up to. i wish i had them when i was a young girl. their lyrics go straight to my soul. girl power was so far from where i was raised. they have a wonderful song called 'let it be'.
Some people bring you gifts,
some bring you bricks to weigh you down
So they can swim a little higher while you drown
Some people mean so well,
their way was the best way that they’ve found
But any other way you choose
is a brick that weighs you down
Some people give themselves a brick,
I know most people do
When we compare, we fall short somewhere,
it’s always true
If all we see is where we fall,
we’ve bricked the prison wall
Instead of trying to learn to fly
we’ve taught ourselves to crawl
So tell me what do I do with
this backpack full of bricks
Of sticks and stones and word’s<b>r>that stuck to me like ticks
We could believe in ourselves more
We could try for unique instead of trying to conform
We could defy what they tell us
And don’t buy the lies they sell us
And we’re brave we can believe in what we are
Let it go, let it be
brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we saved til
we were our own enemies
Let it go, let it be brick by brick
we can believe
in the person God intended us to be
Let it be.
wisdom about people is one of the gifts serenity brings to me.
so, just for today god, grant me the wisdom i need to differentiate between those things i cannot change and those things i must change, between good and best, between safe and unsafe. i need your serenity father and the courage to carry that out. amen
knowing the difference between bad and good is usually easy to spot. even children have the ability to decipher that. choosing between good and best is where things get murky and grey. figuring out the difference between the things i have to accept as they are, and things that i need courage to change. this is where the rubber meets the road.
differences are very often arbitrary. what seems like something you would choose to change might be something that i can live with. so this wisdom needs to be asked for in daily doses, like manna from heaven. yesterday's wisdom doesn't fit today's circumstances. just because i made that choice yesterday today might mean that today it may need to be different.
serenity comes when that balance is struck.
my father lives with us. what he chooses to live with, the difficulties of his life sometimes overflow into mine. it is a very fine line that i must tread in establishing those boundaries that keep his chaos from inflicting itself on me.
he's a 'white knuckle' dry alcoholic. has been for 31 years. he's the most determined man i know. but the evidence of addiction is still winding it's way throughout every choice he makes like vines and tendrils binding themselves to him. he has no serenity. each choice is governed by his replacement addictions, codependency, spending and food. it's a daily reminder to me to make the choice to pray this prayer.
today god, i need wisdom. wisdom to know when to speak, and when to be silent. when to challenge and when to fall back. what can i do today that will move me forward instead of backwards? because really, in recovery - if you aren't going forward, you're really falling back.
so just for today, what needs to happen?
during my first run through of the steps i thought i had a recovery buddy. i've never had a sponsor, it's been one of my greatest discouragements in my recovery. but this person was someone i thought i could trust, i thought 'got it'. she agreed to hear my step 5 (my searching and fearless moral inventory). so i diligently worked on my step 4 inventory and prepared myself to be able to give it away to her. about a month before we scheduled 'the time' she flaked on me. no explanation, just said she didn't feel comfortable and i'd have to find someone else. i was crushed.
wounded and broken i became frozen in my recovery. it halted at that place for about 2 years. who could i trust? who would love me enough to hear my most horrible parts and not flake, or even greater still, love me? at least she flaked before i told her my secrets, but i was so hurt.
i learned some very good lessons from that difficult time. being wise as serpents and gentle as doves (i think that's the quote?) is necessary. learning lessons the hard way does teach us wisdom, as long as we take the time to pull those events apart and learn from them.
finding safe people, people who respect your journey and your boundaries, friends who will walk along side you and challenge without judging is what we all truly long for. surround yourself with people who build you up and limit your interaction with people who don't.
the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. where am i doing this in my life? where am i spinning my wheels, stuck and mired down? facing the places that this is happening takes courage and determination. once we realize that the only place real change can take place is 'within' then the journey becomes much different than it looked before.
i adore the band superchick, i am thrilled my daughter has such empowering music to grow up to. i wish i had them when i was a young girl. their lyrics go straight to my soul. girl power was so far from where i was raised. they have a wonderful song called 'let it be'.
Some people bring you gifts,
some bring you bricks to weigh you down
So they can swim a little higher while you drown
Some people mean so well,
their way was the best way that they’ve found
But any other way you choose
is a brick that weighs you down
Some people give themselves a brick,
I know most people do
When we compare, we fall short somewhere,
it’s always true
If all we see is where we fall,
we’ve bricked the prison wall
Instead of trying to learn to fly
we’ve taught ourselves to crawl
So tell me what do I do with
this backpack full of bricks
Of sticks and stones and word’s<b>r>that stuck to me like ticks
We could believe in ourselves more
We could try for unique instead of trying to conform
We could defy what they tell us
And don’t buy the lies they sell us
And we’re brave we can believe in what we are
Let it go, let it be
brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we saved til
we were our own enemies
Let it go, let it be brick by brick
we can believe
in the person God intended us to be
Let it be.
wisdom about people is one of the gifts serenity brings to me.
so, just for today god, grant me the wisdom i need to differentiate between those things i cannot change and those things i must change, between good and best, between safe and unsafe. i need your serenity father and the courage to carry that out. amen
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