i'm all atwitter right now... like a junkie who's just been offered their favorite kind of drug... i just need to write this out and know that someone will read this.
i have found my stride again after the sickness - my body shed a lot of it's packing weight (amazing how a week of stomach ick will do that for a person...) and i feel like myself again. i mentioned to liam yesterday that i wanted to be really aware right now. this is always a fragile place for me and i get triggered with weird attention, or even harmless compliments from people. i led the meeting last night and it was so amazing to be surrounded by my friends and people who get this. it felt so safe.
woke up this morning so excited to be getting away, my thoughts are all over the place trying to figure out all that i have to do and what i need to bring, it's been so long since i have packed that i have lost the system...
and then, this morning i got a fb chat from a friend telling me about a job in our community. while i was chatting with her another chat opened from HIM, the man who has ignored me for the past 3 months and who i had gotten out of my system and for whatever reason, i wasn't questioning it, the radio silence was working... until this morning.
it just said "good morning"... i took me nearly 5 minutes to respond, trying to think of what to do, wanting to both shut it down and pour my heart out into the little white box... but i just wrote "hi"... and then nothing.... another 5 minutes and then he went off line. how can something so innocent totally knock me off the rails? i was doing so well, i was moving on with my life...
i called liam and told him about it and asked him to pray for me as it feels like a trigger somehow. like it's going to sabotage the progress i have made... but the lie is is that it feels like the energy i need to keep going... like the shot of adrenaline - it makes me feel so powerful - i know it was just two tiny little words, but it has re-engaged the story. i have tried multiple times this morning to just set it aside and keep on with all i have to do today, but it just keeps coming back...
now i honestly don't know what it feels like to do drugs, and i don't want to belittle anyone's journey (or magnify my own) by likening how i have been feeling for the past couple of hours. but the struggle to pick up again is fierce - but my body is alive, my pulse is racing, my mind is alight and i want more than anything to write/call/make contact to re-engage in the drama.
but once i realized that it was just that - the temptation to pick up again, things became more manageable. i had tools to deal with this. when it was personalities and drama i wanted to get sucked in - but when i reduced it to what it really is - an invitation back into my addiction, i regained perspective and am able to sit here and write - using the tools god gave me... now, on with the day...
Showing posts with label addictions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addictions. Show all posts
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
cool brain study on addiction and relapse
great article on why "cheating" on a food plan engages the worst parts of us - useful for all addictive behaviors:
Extinction Burst
Extinction Burst
Monday, April 19, 2010
laying it down
felt ever so much better after writing that last post. kind of like i didn't have to stress and carry it around afterward because i knew i could come back and read it if i needed to - thanks for helping me to carry the load.
just read this post by eli and it touches me so very deeply. as both a sexual abuse survivor and a sexual addict i feel their pain. it has been so difficult for liam and i to renegotiate intimacies since the memories started again. more clues, images and links.
a few months ago i found some of my mum's old papers as i have carried them over hill and dale for the past 20 years - thought i might start to sort them to see if any of it was worth keeping. started to read old letters from the end of her senior year in high school forward. they told of her attending college - not just working there - but actually attending and dropping out. WHAT? that was never part of the narrative before. shortly after she moved to the state she met my father in and they were married soon after and had me a year later. i so wonder if she got pregnant. it would be just like my family to keep this big of a secret. it might have just been finances and the shame of that kept her silent too - either way they both tie into what i am wondering through in my own story. money and sex and secrets... apple doesn't fall far from the tree i guess. am debating a phone call to my great aunt to pick her brain. it's been so long since we talked though that i don't know how it would be received...
see my therapist tomorrow. glad of that. feeling the need for some wisdom and a fresh perspective. he's always really good at that. it's like he takes the broken clay pot i show him and he turns it about 30* and says "have you ever seen it from this side?" and usually i am astounded at how differently things look in a new light. i really like that about him.
buck shared with me at bedtime last night that he stumbled on a website that had pictures he didn't want to see, but kept looking. we have had many talks about guarding your heart and building muscles within ourselves that help us to say no. i showed him google reader tonight and told him about how it helps me to keep from seeing images that i would struggle with. he knows in his 10 year old version that mom has struggles of her own. it means so much to me that he knows he's not going to get in trouble or shamed, but that talking about it strips it of it's secrecy and power - and that forgiveness is way better than secrets. love that boy so much. i can't imagine trying to grow up to be a man in this culture with free access to everything. god please help him.
just read this post by eli and it touches me so very deeply. as both a sexual abuse survivor and a sexual addict i feel their pain. it has been so difficult for liam and i to renegotiate intimacies since the memories started again. more clues, images and links.
a few months ago i found some of my mum's old papers as i have carried them over hill and dale for the past 20 years - thought i might start to sort them to see if any of it was worth keeping. started to read old letters from the end of her senior year in high school forward. they told of her attending college - not just working there - but actually attending and dropping out. WHAT? that was never part of the narrative before. shortly after she moved to the state she met my father in and they were married soon after and had me a year later. i so wonder if she got pregnant. it would be just like my family to keep this big of a secret. it might have just been finances and the shame of that kept her silent too - either way they both tie into what i am wondering through in my own story. money and sex and secrets... apple doesn't fall far from the tree i guess. am debating a phone call to my great aunt to pick her brain. it's been so long since we talked though that i don't know how it would be received...
see my therapist tomorrow. glad of that. feeling the need for some wisdom and a fresh perspective. he's always really good at that. it's like he takes the broken clay pot i show him and he turns it about 30* and says "have you ever seen it from this side?" and usually i am astounded at how differently things look in a new light. i really like that about him.
buck shared with me at bedtime last night that he stumbled on a website that had pictures he didn't want to see, but kept looking. we have had many talks about guarding your heart and building muscles within ourselves that help us to say no. i showed him google reader tonight and told him about how it helps me to keep from seeing images that i would struggle with. he knows in his 10 year old version that mom has struggles of her own. it means so much to me that he knows he's not going to get in trouble or shamed, but that talking about it strips it of it's secrecy and power - and that forgiveness is way better than secrets. love that boy so much. i can't imagine trying to grow up to be a man in this culture with free access to everything. god please help him.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
the secret life of termites
so much richness in the comments of my last post. thank you. i have missed this online give and take very much.
sonja mentioned that it sounded as if one of the legs of that 4 legged stool had termites - that made me laugh out loud! god bless you sonja! we have been apart intentionally from these folks - as we all decided as a group to disband - it was the "re-banding" without us that hurt so badly. but termites is exactly the metaphor for this situation - i do feel hollowed out from this - and i know that a 3 legged stool will stand on its own - but how i long for that healthy new wood to be formed and brought into support the other three.
patchouli said ""pissed" has some power; peace has life." - peace, perfect peace. elusive peace...
i realized after typing the last post that i had taken on a new unhealthy addiction - the compulsive and obsessive thoughts around these relationships were not letting me go. writing about it took away some of their power - but it has taken a very intentional effort to not let this keep consuming me.
can i say again how very sick and tired i am of this morphing my addiction does? how unidentified it slides its way into my day like a seed into a crack and begins to innocently grow until it needs fed and watered and starts to take hold in uncomfortable places. SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS.
feed me seymour...
i am handling this like i would handle temptation to obsess about sex or food - when i realize my head is in that space i take it captive and evict it from my head. just wish i could figure out why that crack is there in the first place and spackle it up... maybe a mosaic patch would be more artistic?
anyway - i'm keeping the lights on and calling my orkin man and we're going to deal with these termites once and for all :D
sonja mentioned that it sounded as if one of the legs of that 4 legged stool had termites - that made me laugh out loud! god bless you sonja! we have been apart intentionally from these folks - as we all decided as a group to disband - it was the "re-banding" without us that hurt so badly. but termites is exactly the metaphor for this situation - i do feel hollowed out from this - and i know that a 3 legged stool will stand on its own - but how i long for that healthy new wood to be formed and brought into support the other three.
patchouli said ""pissed" has some power; peace has life." - peace, perfect peace. elusive peace...
i realized after typing the last post that i had taken on a new unhealthy addiction - the compulsive and obsessive thoughts around these relationships were not letting me go. writing about it took away some of their power - but it has taken a very intentional effort to not let this keep consuming me.
can i say again how very sick and tired i am of this morphing my addiction does? how unidentified it slides its way into my day like a seed into a crack and begins to innocently grow until it needs fed and watered and starts to take hold in uncomfortable places. SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS.
feed me seymour...
i am handling this like i would handle temptation to obsess about sex or food - when i realize my head is in that space i take it captive and evict it from my head. just wish i could figure out why that crack is there in the first place and spackle it up... maybe a mosaic patch would be more artistic?
anyway - i'm keeping the lights on and calling my orkin man and we're going to deal with these termites once and for all :D
Monday, December 21, 2009
painting my fear
this artist, lee price, has captured the madness of eating disorders so powerfully i felt naked and sucker punched while looking at them. it has been over a decade since my own descent into this hell and they took me back instantly. it was visceral.many are titled "self portraits" so she knows this pain personally.
Lee Price: American Figurative Realist Oil Painter
Thursday, February 05, 2009
denial works until it doesn't
p.s.f.d.*
i am reaping the whirlwind today. i have been walking in new territory this past year and i am finding myself ill prepared for it. this past year i have found myself. i have become comfortable in my own skin and i have navigated many new things. community and friendship have become so important to me. living inside myself has been very new for me and it has opened up a lot of different doors in my life. some good. some not so good. i don't know where they go, but there are definitely a lot of new doors.
writing about this is torture, but i have no place else to navigate this. i want to crawl in a hole and weep. i feel cracked open wide because when denial stops working it leaves a big pile of shit in the room that i feel so unbelievably stupid for not noticing before - and it was right there all along. p.s.f.d.
i am surrounded by really incredible people in this community. i have made some amazing f2f friends. one of those friendships was a cross-gender friendship (cgf). i have been reading dan's faith dance blog for quite some time now and am inspired by the thought that men & women aren't dangerous to each other and can truly develop friendships. so much of my broken comes from ugly male behavior, and so safe men in my life are important and healing.
i had crossed a line emotionally with this man. the husband of one of my best friends. on a scale of other peoples issues this one probably ranks really low, but because i closely monitor my serenity i can feel when it goes off the rails, and i lost it and found that it was because this relationship had become an addiction for me. this is mostly about me. i'm not sure how much this has to do with him per sey, but his dysfunction and my great need do play a role here - but most of it has to do with the rush. that heroin that shoots through my veins with the fresh, new, long ago familiar feelings that i haven't felt in 20 years. p.s.f.d.
all along this friendship i was telling 3 dear friends about all of it and talking to liam the whole time. i know i am only as sick as my secrets and deeply want to live in the light. but i have found that when those secrets are buried deep in denial no light can expose them until the denial goes away.
in an attempt to bring things into the light i had a conversation with this man that actually turned things more intimate than stopped them. i feel like a fool. i told a confidence about a mutual friends marriage struggles as a guise for trying to keep us and another pair of dear friends from falling into the same ditch. i really thought i was doing the right thing - but have to admit that i hid behind that to share something that would bind us together somehow. i exposed one of my best friends deepest shame for my own purposes. these are the ugliest parts of my self. i hate to see them, let alone expose them to others. but i believe that they cannot be redeemed unless i do.
so i had to confess my broken confidence to one of my besties - the woman who had fallen off the rails. i immediately called her to tell her - i had kept her secret for months - why now? why ever? i so longed to be trustworthy. i was so angry at myself for breaking faith. it was one of the hardest conversations i have ever had.
next i told liam. he was forgiving. (but too forgiving. a bell went off in my head. this should be bothering him more. he's not getting this. it's not registering. why isn't this registering? why isn't he angry?).
i also IM'd with martha and she called me on the carpet. let me know that i was kidding myself. i truly thought before that that bringing things into the light would keep things from going south. i really did.
after our IM i realized i wasn't being honest. that it wasn't just this ONE conversation, but that i had become emotionally attached to this man. p.s.f.d. it had become an addiction. the rush of the attention. feeling noticed. talking about big ideas and deep theology. p.s.f.d. every one of my hooks was sunk deep into this rotting fish (the addiction, not him - although he is not innocent in this either).
i have tried to do everything in the light and be as accountable as possible. but my dear friend martha told it to me straight yesterday. just because it's accountable doesn't mean it should continue. p.s.f.d.
so today, just for today i am grieving the loss of a really important friendship. a friendship that really did heal some deep places in me. it taught me that i was trustworthy. that the hay/fire didn't have to explode into deep passionate sin. for most of this it wasn't taudry or innappropriate. but i have crossed a line emotionally.
i had a conversation with liam this morning challenging his well constructed front. i pushed and it crumbled. he told me that he's been uncomfortable all along, but hasn't told me. how can this be so broken? i have talked to him about this from the beginning hoping that if i did it would strengthen our marriage and keep the cgf healthy. i was wrong. his denial sat right next to mine. p.s.f.d.
so where do we go from here? i have no idea. i am just doing the next right thing. just for today i can face this. i can try to sit with the level of emotion i have and this great big steaming pile of denial and begin to detox and find healthier ways to feed this starving part of my soul. liam is doing good work. i know at some point we will find a way in and through this, but for now my hope is hanging by a very thin thread.
*abbreviation for four cuss words to express the deep level of frustration and disgust i am having over this situation.
i am reaping the whirlwind today. i have been walking in new territory this past year and i am finding myself ill prepared for it. this past year i have found myself. i have become comfortable in my own skin and i have navigated many new things. community and friendship have become so important to me. living inside myself has been very new for me and it has opened up a lot of different doors in my life. some good. some not so good. i don't know where they go, but there are definitely a lot of new doors.
writing about this is torture, but i have no place else to navigate this. i want to crawl in a hole and weep. i feel cracked open wide because when denial stops working it leaves a big pile of shit in the room that i feel so unbelievably stupid for not noticing before - and it was right there all along. p.s.f.d.
i am surrounded by really incredible people in this community. i have made some amazing f2f friends. one of those friendships was a cross-gender friendship (cgf). i have been reading dan's faith dance blog for quite some time now and am inspired by the thought that men & women aren't dangerous to each other and can truly develop friendships. so much of my broken comes from ugly male behavior, and so safe men in my life are important and healing.
i had crossed a line emotionally with this man. the husband of one of my best friends. on a scale of other peoples issues this one probably ranks really low, but because i closely monitor my serenity i can feel when it goes off the rails, and i lost it and found that it was because this relationship had become an addiction for me. this is mostly about me. i'm not sure how much this has to do with him per sey, but his dysfunction and my great need do play a role here - but most of it has to do with the rush. that heroin that shoots through my veins with the fresh, new, long ago familiar feelings that i haven't felt in 20 years. p.s.f.d.
all along this friendship i was telling 3 dear friends about all of it and talking to liam the whole time. i know i am only as sick as my secrets and deeply want to live in the light. but i have found that when those secrets are buried deep in denial no light can expose them until the denial goes away.
in an attempt to bring things into the light i had a conversation with this man that actually turned things more intimate than stopped them. i feel like a fool. i told a confidence about a mutual friends marriage struggles as a guise for trying to keep us and another pair of dear friends from falling into the same ditch. i really thought i was doing the right thing - but have to admit that i hid behind that to share something that would bind us together somehow. i exposed one of my best friends deepest shame for my own purposes. these are the ugliest parts of my self. i hate to see them, let alone expose them to others. but i believe that they cannot be redeemed unless i do.
so i had to confess my broken confidence to one of my besties - the woman who had fallen off the rails. i immediately called her to tell her - i had kept her secret for months - why now? why ever? i so longed to be trustworthy. i was so angry at myself for breaking faith. it was one of the hardest conversations i have ever had.
next i told liam. he was forgiving. (but too forgiving. a bell went off in my head. this should be bothering him more. he's not getting this. it's not registering. why isn't this registering? why isn't he angry?).
i also IM'd with martha and she called me on the carpet. let me know that i was kidding myself. i truly thought before that that bringing things into the light would keep things from going south. i really did.
after our IM i realized i wasn't being honest. that it wasn't just this ONE conversation, but that i had become emotionally attached to this man. p.s.f.d. it had become an addiction. the rush of the attention. feeling noticed. talking about big ideas and deep theology. p.s.f.d. every one of my hooks was sunk deep into this rotting fish (the addiction, not him - although he is not innocent in this either).
i have tried to do everything in the light and be as accountable as possible. but my dear friend martha told it to me straight yesterday. just because it's accountable doesn't mean it should continue. p.s.f.d.
so today, just for today i am grieving the loss of a really important friendship. a friendship that really did heal some deep places in me. it taught me that i was trustworthy. that the hay/fire didn't have to explode into deep passionate sin. for most of this it wasn't taudry or innappropriate. but i have crossed a line emotionally.
i had a conversation with liam this morning challenging his well constructed front. i pushed and it crumbled. he told me that he's been uncomfortable all along, but hasn't told me. how can this be so broken? i have talked to him about this from the beginning hoping that if i did it would strengthen our marriage and keep the cgf healthy. i was wrong. his denial sat right next to mine. p.s.f.d.
so where do we go from here? i have no idea. i am just doing the next right thing. just for today i can face this. i can try to sit with the level of emotion i have and this great big steaming pile of denial and begin to detox and find healthier ways to feed this starving part of my soul. liam is doing good work. i know at some point we will find a way in and through this, but for now my hope is hanging by a very thin thread.
*abbreviation for four cuss words to express the deep level of frustration and disgust i am having over this situation.
Monday, January 12, 2009
the enemy of truth
this is rippling into my consciousness today. from the OA For Today daily reading:
The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.where is the myth that i am believing that is stopping the truth from setting me free today?John F. Kennedy
My food addiction was acquired so I could survive and cope in earlier, painful circumstances. Thus began two myths: First, that pain was to be avoided at all costs, and second, that eating would relieve the pain free of charge. These myths were useful then, but they are insanity today.
As I become willing to accept the truth that is revealed to me in this program, the myths I clung to so desperately lose credibility. I no longer need to be anesthetized; I can stand still and feel my feelings. I don't think something is wrong if I'm not happy every minute.
For Today: The more I accept the reality of what is, the more comfortable and serene my life becomes.
Monday, December 08, 2008
e/s/h
got an email today from a blogger friend in relapse. i'm sharing my response here in case it might help anyone else:
relapse is terrifying and i hear/feel your pain/fear. please know that i am praying for you as i type.
unhealthy recovery groups are sometimes more of a hindrance than a healing space. i am so sorry for that. our group is so small and it's taking quite some time to get things to a healthy place. we're the only one in a 90 minute drive radius, so it makes it hard when it's not scratching where i itch - but i "keep coming back" because i know that it's the place i need to be.
one of the things that helps me is to pray that there will be ONE THING that i can get from each meeting - just one thing - and i pray for that and the ears to hear it (i do this with my therapist too - actually even in conversations with friends too) - god just give me one golden thread to follow here - and make it shiny enough for me to see it - and then help me follow it to where you want me to focus.
i figure that if god can use a donkey to speak his truth he can use anything in my life to speak to me if i'm willing to listen.
baby steps for me are the key to my recovery. finding one right thing i can do, give up, set aside for a couple of weeks so that i can get some victory and momentum going. cold turkey & extreme measures NEVER work for me - if i have to give everything up it's easier to throw in the towel.
first i pray to be willing to be willing - and god answers that prayer. then i make a list of my binge foods - what is the chemical & emotional triggers that are setting me spinning? then i pick one - for me it started 9+ years ago with chocolate - i knew that was my biggest trigger and caused me the most shame. i was eating a box of little debbie swiss rolls by my self (in one sitting) each and every day. so i took chocolate off my list - i still ate sugar (actually zebra cakes each and ever day at the beginning) - just to get the chocolate and it's chemical dependence out of my system. i didn't shame myself for the zebra cakes - they weren't part of my current abstinence - it was a baby step. when i was able to get about 3 months under my belt i made another choice - the victory from being able to succeed at something (anything) meant that i wasn't as big of a loser as i had felt before i started - and that victory moved me to take another baby step. i have had 9 years of tiny baby steps - all based on victories, not shame and not extremes.
extremes are self defeating. they are dieting. and i am as compulsive about dieting as i am about eating. i cannot diet. diets rip each and every food out of our system - and i believe that we were meant to enjoy food - communion is a good thing.
the other thing that i have found out in this past year is that i am probably hypoglycemic - and that not eating filling, regular meals at regular times was causing me to need to snack. by eating 3 very filling, varied meals - lots of proteins, complex carbs and fruits & vegs - and i mean lots - my meals are not diet meals - i am full after i eat every meal - no dieting for me - it allowed me to make it to my next meal with my blood sugar intact. i think that for most of my life that panicky feeling that comes when my blood sugars dropped caused me to binge and break my abstinence.
i think that most oa's shame themselves for enjoying a real meal and still worry about what others think about what you put on your plate. i have stopped worrying about that - i know my body - and it's working. it's almost like i have kicked in my metabolism to it's proper place. i don't eat empty calories - and i don't eat my binge foods - and i do eat with relish everything else - and i enjoy it - and my body feels good - and my brain feels good and my emotions feel good.
something has clicked and i like it. it's not a food plan that works for everyone and they would probably kick me out of a meeting for saying some of this - but i don't think god intended for me to despise food - it is one of my basic needs, and it's something that is used to bring community and wholeness to people - i think that making food the enemy really goes a long way in defeating most oa-er's - it doesn't need to be my best friend any more - but it definitely doesn't need to be my enemy either. i'm not fighting the food anymore. i feeling my feelings (most of the time) :D and trying to learn from them.
figuring out why some foods have an emotional hook to them too has helped me greatly. binging on cookie dough was more about the fact that it brought back the memory of my grandmother coming to visit and make cookies with me - nurture me and care for me, and that my parents were always on their best behavior and that we felt like a real family during those times - that's really what i was hoping cookie dough would give me - it never did... but finding out why that had it's hooks into me helped so much. figuring out ways to nurture myself, to find other women who nurture me - and to take that lack and that want to god and allow it to be lack has helped that food to loose it's power of me. and i know that when it's calling to me again i can use that as a flag to remind me that i'm low on my nurture tanks and need to do some good self care and some interaction with healthy, nurturing people.
relapse is terrifying and i hear/feel your pain/fear. please know that i am praying for you as i type.
unhealthy recovery groups are sometimes more of a hindrance than a healing space. i am so sorry for that. our group is so small and it's taking quite some time to get things to a healthy place. we're the only one in a 90 minute drive radius, so it makes it hard when it's not scratching where i itch - but i "keep coming back" because i know that it's the place i need to be.
one of the things that helps me is to pray that there will be ONE THING that i can get from each meeting - just one thing - and i pray for that and the ears to hear it (i do this with my therapist too - actually even in conversations with friends too) - god just give me one golden thread to follow here - and make it shiny enough for me to see it - and then help me follow it to where you want me to focus.
i figure that if god can use a donkey to speak his truth he can use anything in my life to speak to me if i'm willing to listen.
baby steps for me are the key to my recovery. finding one right thing i can do, give up, set aside for a couple of weeks so that i can get some victory and momentum going. cold turkey & extreme measures NEVER work for me - if i have to give everything up it's easier to throw in the towel.
first i pray to be willing to be willing - and god answers that prayer. then i make a list of my binge foods - what is the chemical & emotional triggers that are setting me spinning? then i pick one - for me it started 9+ years ago with chocolate - i knew that was my biggest trigger and caused me the most shame. i was eating a box of little debbie swiss rolls by my self (in one sitting) each and every day. so i took chocolate off my list - i still ate sugar (actually zebra cakes each and ever day at the beginning) - just to get the chocolate and it's chemical dependence out of my system. i didn't shame myself for the zebra cakes - they weren't part of my current abstinence - it was a baby step. when i was able to get about 3 months under my belt i made another choice - the victory from being able to succeed at something (anything) meant that i wasn't as big of a loser as i had felt before i started - and that victory moved me to take another baby step. i have had 9 years of tiny baby steps - all based on victories, not shame and not extremes.
extremes are self defeating. they are dieting. and i am as compulsive about dieting as i am about eating. i cannot diet. diets rip each and every food out of our system - and i believe that we were meant to enjoy food - communion is a good thing.
the other thing that i have found out in this past year is that i am probably hypoglycemic - and that not eating filling, regular meals at regular times was causing me to need to snack. by eating 3 very filling, varied meals - lots of proteins, complex carbs and fruits & vegs - and i mean lots - my meals are not diet meals - i am full after i eat every meal - no dieting for me - it allowed me to make it to my next meal with my blood sugar intact. i think that for most of my life that panicky feeling that comes when my blood sugars dropped caused me to binge and break my abstinence.
i think that most oa's shame themselves for enjoying a real meal and still worry about what others think about what you put on your plate. i have stopped worrying about that - i know my body - and it's working. it's almost like i have kicked in my metabolism to it's proper place. i don't eat empty calories - and i don't eat my binge foods - and i do eat with relish everything else - and i enjoy it - and my body feels good - and my brain feels good and my emotions feel good.
something has clicked and i like it. it's not a food plan that works for everyone and they would probably kick me out of a meeting for saying some of this - but i don't think god intended for me to despise food - it is one of my basic needs, and it's something that is used to bring community and wholeness to people - i think that making food the enemy really goes a long way in defeating most oa-er's - it doesn't need to be my best friend any more - but it definitely doesn't need to be my enemy either. i'm not fighting the food anymore. i feeling my feelings (most of the time) :D and trying to learn from them.
figuring out why some foods have an emotional hook to them too has helped me greatly. binging on cookie dough was more about the fact that it brought back the memory of my grandmother coming to visit and make cookies with me - nurture me and care for me, and that my parents were always on their best behavior and that we felt like a real family during those times - that's really what i was hoping cookie dough would give me - it never did... but finding out why that had it's hooks into me helped so much. figuring out ways to nurture myself, to find other women who nurture me - and to take that lack and that want to god and allow it to be lack has helped that food to loose it's power of me. and i know that when it's calling to me again i can use that as a flag to remind me that i'm low on my nurture tanks and need to do some good self care and some interaction with healthy, nurturing people.
Monday, November 24, 2008
my mind and my time
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
A man is what he thinks about all day long.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is true for women too. We sure learned that about our disease as well. It kept us thinking about alcohol or drugs all day every day until we could think of little else. Finally we became addicts, gobbled up by our all consuming thoughts and cravings.
Now in recovery, we can be something else. We are becoming free of our addiction, and our minds can think about other things. What do we want to think about? What do we want to be?
It's easy to let the noise around us tell us what to think about. At the end of the day, we can end up feeling out of touch with who we are. We've been giving our minds to whatever is on the radio, television, or the gossip grapevine at work or school. That's why it's good to spend part of each day thinking about things we truly think are important and worthwhile.
Prayer for the Day
Higher Power, Help me understand that what I do with my mind and my time is important. What I do with my mind is my inner life. What I do with my time is my outer life. Together they define who I am.
Today's Action
I will think about the way I use my mind and my time today. What feels good and fits for me? Is there anything I want to do differently tomorrow?
You are reading from the book:
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
the process of liberation
Who Can Free Us?
It is only the oppressed who, by freeing themselves, can free their oppressors. The latter, as an oppressive class, can free neither others nor themselves. It is therefore essential that the oppressed wage the struggle to resolve the contradiction in which they are caught, and the contradiction will be resolved by the appearance of the new (wo)man: neither oppressor nor oppressed, but (wo)man in the process of liberation. If the goal of the oppressed is to become fully human, they will not achieve their goal by merely reversing the terms of the contradiction, by simply changing poles.
via inward/outward
It is only the oppressed who, by freeing themselves, can free their oppressors. The latter, as an oppressive class, can free neither others nor themselves. It is therefore essential that the oppressed wage the struggle to resolve the contradiction in which they are caught, and the contradiction will be resolved by the appearance of the new (wo)man: neither oppressor nor oppressed, but (wo)man in the process of liberation. If the goal of the oppressed is to become fully human, they will not achieve their goal by merely reversing the terms of the contradiction, by simply changing poles.
Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed
via inward/outward
Monday, September 01, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
singleness of heart
Purity is not a long struggle against that which is impure or forbidden.
Rather is it singleness of heart.
Catch the great thought that from Him,
the Father of Lights,
comes every good and perfect gift,
and therefore nothing outside of God is worth having or craving.
Rather is it singleness of heart.
Catch the great thought that from Him,
the Father of Lights,
comes every good and perfect gift,
and therefore nothing outside of God is worth having or craving.
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, pg. 154
Monday, October 22, 2007
disjointed thoughts
the roller coaster of emotions that were this weekend have left me exhausted. i am mentally exhausted from school as i haven't had to think this hard and this much in 20 years. now i am emotionally exhausted too. it is also affecting my sleep, so physically i'm pretty tapped out.
somehow in the calendar of things i miscounted days between cycles and thought for sure that i was supposed to get my period last week (sorry guys) but have since realized (after i panicked at being 4 days LATE) that i jumped a week and it really isn't due until this week. it screws with your head at that point and not just with your body.
pink is the emotional barometer of our home and she is letting us all know that we're not functioning at our peek at the moment. there's a lot of changes taking place this past week, and this week to come and i am so glad that we don't have to pull this off 24-7-365 - we would crash very quickly.
hope reminded me on friday to maintain really good self care through all of this. so instead of getting organized yesterday for this week we went to the coast and beach combed. we all needed it, but we definately paid the price this a.m. for not taking the time to get our act together yesterday... oh well, it's just one more week.
back to the horror. i got an email from my friend yesterday and a facebook prayer update for a support group for her ministry. she is broken to her core. we did not talk, but i spoke with her mentor last night, the woman she is staying with, and she reassured me that she and her daughter are finding peace amidst the storm. i am praying for a big bubble to encompass them and that god will reveal himself to them in a brand new way. the theology of my youth meant that god ordained this to happen - and that sick twisted version of god will never get her through this. he was also a silent god - so i am praying that he breaks through that too.
there is a memorial service on saturday. it would allow me to finish this week at school and maybe get to toronto. i'm overwhelmed just thinking about this right now. the financial implications and family implications are great, but i'm leaning toward knowing it is important i am there. i'll know more soon.
the ickiest part of all of this is that it has raked up my own story and my own anger and rage. i have spent the weekend with a face to loathe, with a person to hate and it has brought me to a very ugly place. hope's reminder helped so much because i realized as i was tempted, more tempted to give in to my addictions that i think i have been in years that choosing that path could wind me up into exactly what he had become. there but for the grace of god go i. the shame and rage i feel toward myself in the middle of my addiction could so easily turn me violent. 8 years ago it could have been me.
so the muck of it all brings me back to today. just for today. god save me from myself. i am powerless to do it on my own. just for today.
thank you for your prayers.
somehow in the calendar of things i miscounted days between cycles and thought for sure that i was supposed to get my period last week (sorry guys) but have since realized (after i panicked at being 4 days LATE) that i jumped a week and it really isn't due until this week. it screws with your head at that point and not just with your body.
pink is the emotional barometer of our home and she is letting us all know that we're not functioning at our peek at the moment. there's a lot of changes taking place this past week, and this week to come and i am so glad that we don't have to pull this off 24-7-365 - we would crash very quickly.
hope reminded me on friday to maintain really good self care through all of this. so instead of getting organized yesterday for this week we went to the coast and beach combed. we all needed it, but we definately paid the price this a.m. for not taking the time to get our act together yesterday... oh well, it's just one more week.
back to the horror. i got an email from my friend yesterday and a facebook prayer update for a support group for her ministry. she is broken to her core. we did not talk, but i spoke with her mentor last night, the woman she is staying with, and she reassured me that she and her daughter are finding peace amidst the storm. i am praying for a big bubble to encompass them and that god will reveal himself to them in a brand new way. the theology of my youth meant that god ordained this to happen - and that sick twisted version of god will never get her through this. he was also a silent god - so i am praying that he breaks through that too.
there is a memorial service on saturday. it would allow me to finish this week at school and maybe get to toronto. i'm overwhelmed just thinking about this right now. the financial implications and family implications are great, but i'm leaning toward knowing it is important i am there. i'll know more soon.
the ickiest part of all of this is that it has raked up my own story and my own anger and rage. i have spent the weekend with a face to loathe, with a person to hate and it has brought me to a very ugly place. hope's reminder helped so much because i realized as i was tempted, more tempted to give in to my addictions that i think i have been in years that choosing that path could wind me up into exactly what he had become. there but for the grace of god go i. the shame and rage i feel toward myself in the middle of my addiction could so easily turn me violent. 8 years ago it could have been me.
so the muck of it all brings me back to today. just for today. god save me from myself. i am powerless to do it on my own. just for today.
thank you for your prayers.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
it's YOU lydia!
gasp - out loud - stunned, complete revelation - my friend lydia just left this comment on how is jesus like bread and another penny dropped:
What came to my mind as I read your ponderings about bread - you are comparing something tangible with something intangible: a slice of buttered bread which we can see, feel and taste with our physical bodies/and Jesus who we can only experience on a spiritual level. Your question "Why did God pick these two addictive elements (bread and wine) to remember Him?" jumped right off the page at me and made me wonder if maybe it is actually the other way around - we become addicted to these substances BECAUSE they symbolize God to us and we are desperate in our need for Him.i am so thrilled to have you in my life lydia - face to face - you are a deep, deep well! i LOVE the way your mind thinks!
Monday, June 25, 2007
you really want to take an internet break?
oh the stats, they pull me in... since i've stopped blogging so much my stats have plummeted. google must have a "must publish" rule for directing people to your blog. my stats have dropped by 100 - and the "publish or perish" temptation pulls me in. why does it matter to me? why do i care that people i don't know find my blog? why do i care that my "numbers" increase? that they don't decrease? this is revealing something about me that i don't really like to admit.
with a vacation on the horizon i just keep telling myself that will keep me from blogging too - so let it go - but i am so tempted to post links, you tube videos and drivel just to keep my stats up (that's why people do that in case you didn't know)...
sigh. i guess deep down in my heart i want to be noticed. but trading my serenity for strangers reading my blog, even for really good reasons isn't worth it. so i will refrain from the temptation to post drivel and obsess about my blog (just for today!)
with a vacation on the horizon i just keep telling myself that will keep me from blogging too - so let it go - but i am so tempted to post links, you tube videos and drivel just to keep my stats up (that's why people do that in case you didn't know)...
sigh. i guess deep down in my heart i want to be noticed. but trading my serenity for strangers reading my blog, even for really good reasons isn't worth it. so i will refrain from the temptation to post drivel and obsess about my blog (just for today!)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
lost in space
as i opened my eyes this morning i said a prayer "god somehow i've lost the thread, i don't like it and i don't even know how to find it again. i can't figure out what has happened." i had the answer before i even knew it. internet.
i've known it and been in denial since before lent, but somehow today i was ready for the information. i have become addicted to the internet. this lovely tool that i use so well for so many wonderful things also steals and destroys and robs me of my clarity and sanity, and most precious of all, my serenity.
i know somehow there will be a fast. i fasted this morning so that i could get my proverbial shit together. i actually journaled - in my moleskine - which is saved for only very precious thoughts somehow. i faced aching, cramping hand to fight through for the thoughts that would help me frame this upcoming internet fast. i'm not quitting blogging. as i journaled this morning i realized that the beauty of blogging means that thoughts aren't lost in some random journal post - they are searchable and retrievable, and with this aging mind of mine that is truly important.
but i will be changing the way i am doing things. i think i will be using a word processor for my thoughts and any of them that are blog worthy will be posted here or on my other blog (email me if you don't have it and want it). i also realized that mornings are precious. it's when the real clarity is present and i can face the day organized instead of scattered.
blogging is truly one of the most disciplined things i do online - and i'm not even talking about any sexual addiction on the internet (i have 7 1/2 years of abstinence today!) - just random, time wasting internet. i am like a lamb with my nose in the sweet, sweet grass, grazing and wandering from place to place, never really looking at where i'm going, just following my nose - and shazam, a whole day is lost, i am confused, scattered and so ashamed that i have lost another day.
i am so grateful for the peeling back of the denial today and the serenity and clarity that came with the admission. i am an internet addict. oh they are just like trading cards, set one down, pick up another one... use the internet to avoid eating, use eating to avoid sexual addiction, and so on, and so on, and so on...
i love you all and love blogging here - but i need my life and my serenity back and i know that i need to clean the webs from my wide world to do it. i'm just too tired of being lost in space.
i've known it and been in denial since before lent, but somehow today i was ready for the information. i have become addicted to the internet. this lovely tool that i use so well for so many wonderful things also steals and destroys and robs me of my clarity and sanity, and most precious of all, my serenity.
i know somehow there will be a fast. i fasted this morning so that i could get my proverbial shit together. i actually journaled - in my moleskine - which is saved for only very precious thoughts somehow. i faced aching, cramping hand to fight through for the thoughts that would help me frame this upcoming internet fast. i'm not quitting blogging. as i journaled this morning i realized that the beauty of blogging means that thoughts aren't lost in some random journal post - they are searchable and retrievable, and with this aging mind of mine that is truly important.
but i will be changing the way i am doing things. i think i will be using a word processor for my thoughts and any of them that are blog worthy will be posted here or on my other blog (email me if you don't have it and want it). i also realized that mornings are precious. it's when the real clarity is present and i can face the day organized instead of scattered.
blogging is truly one of the most disciplined things i do online - and i'm not even talking about any sexual addiction on the internet (i have 7 1/2 years of abstinence today!) - just random, time wasting internet. i am like a lamb with my nose in the sweet, sweet grass, grazing and wandering from place to place, never really looking at where i'm going, just following my nose - and shazam, a whole day is lost, i am confused, scattered and so ashamed that i have lost another day.
i am so grateful for the peeling back of the denial today and the serenity and clarity that came with the admission. i am an internet addict. oh they are just like trading cards, set one down, pick up another one... use the internet to avoid eating, use eating to avoid sexual addiction, and so on, and so on, and so on...
i love you all and love blogging here - but i need my life and my serenity back and i know that i need to clean the webs from my wide world to do it. i'm just too tired of being lost in space.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
the secret
this post has been brewing in my head for weeks, and i'd like to brew for another one, but i have to get a few things out as i've had a lot of friends and people in recovery being exposed to this and left feeling confused and a bit lost.
for those of you living in a cave the secret has been touted by everyone from oprah to news anchors - it's the 'new thing' and people are all a twitter. the saddest part of this is that there is nothing new about it, other than the slick, multi-media, multi-million dollar sales pitch. john stackhouse has taken this on theologically, so i'm going to send you to his great post to explain that:
john stackhouse - oprah's secret: new? old? good? bad?
UPDATE: blair at preachy writings has some really good thoughts too: the secret vs the sphere: in pursuit of happyness and other urban fairy tales
i, on the other hand want to deal with this from the emotional, practical and recovery side.
first of all, i know it is so hard to be in a room with people who have just "found the secret" and to take issue with it. you look like you're too dumb to 'get it' - that's the point. they have found a way to pitch this like 'only the really smart people will understand this' - so ie, you stand against it, you're not smart... sigh. they're brilliant.
the other difficulty here is that you "can't" argue against it because then you are shown to be "negative", and negativity cannot dwell within "the secret". they're good, they're really good. it sets up this knowledge like a four star club that only the positive and smart people can get into - so if you challenge it you're not 'smart or positive' - brilliant. i mean, who wants to go against the queen? (oprah)
i took this position almost exactly 12 months ago when she was all gung ho on james frey and a million little lies, er i mean pieces... - remember that charade? she had found a new recovery, a new way of getting your life back together - remember? just decide and you can do it. what a hot mess that was. do you see the parallels here? oprah (and countless others) have always searched for the way you can have it all without admitting you are powerless.
this is the key. this is the 'easier, softer way' the big book speaks of. i'm sorry, but there is no 'easier, softer way.'
it is my opinion that this is the same lie from the garden, repackaged, slicked up and resold - "god doesn't have your best interests at heart, you can do it without god." it's what eve wanted to hear, it's what we all, deep in our heart of hearts wants to hear and believe.
i know that the people who are selling this will tell you that you can have god and the secret too, but the god they have packaged here is not the god of recovery. there is no easier, softer way. our lives have become unmanageable.
how many drunks, addicts and junkies want to believe that if they just stop being negative that they will be able to have everything they've ever dreamed of? every damn one of us. that's what gets us HERE in the first place, isn't it? the secret is like winning the lotto for the addict - you mean i can have my crack and eat it too? all i have to do is be positive and think good thoughts? yay! hurray! let's start today!
i just hope that oprah and her compatriots will be paying for the rehab of all of those addicts they are leading down this path. this 'easier, softer way'... because it will end in a lavish ball of decadence that leads the addict right back into the willing arms of their addiction.
come on people - how many lindsay lohans, britney spears and olsen twins does it take to tell you money and power and influence don't make people happy, whole and centered. you can't have it all. you just can't. oprah can, you can't. and even she can't fill that great big hole in her heart either, that's why she's got to take each and every one of you with her. because when the cameras stop rolling and nobody's there she's so lonely and desperate every little girl in africa can't make it better.
i love her, oh how i love her. i love her vision, her passion and her ability to see need and meet it - her heart is good, oh so good, but like mine, her heart is deceitful. i think that means that it will always trick her - just like mine. it will always lead her away from god, to the easier, softer way. and unfortunately, where she leads, many, so very many will follow.
"the secret" tells you you are powerful. step one tells us that we are powerless. it's humiliating. it's horrible to have to admit that food, alcohol, sex, drugs, gambling or any other fix has control over you - but in doing so something happens. god does for us what we are not able to do for ourselves. this is the rub. powerful vs. powerless - can you see why they're making millions selling the books and dvd's? who doesn't want to believe that if they think it and say it it will happen? powerful indeed.
what they don't tell you is that all of those people who "knew the secret" from ancient days were still just people. they were still lonely, tried to fill their lives with stuff, money and power and led empty, temporary lives. they still died. dead. done. all of their stuff went to someone else - and their power was gone. that's a secret nobody is talking about.
thomas jefferson is one of the poster children of "the secret". from what i can see he was not a happy person. we're still finding out about the mess he made of his life and the secret relationships he had. he is held out as one of those who understood "the secret". did he have power and influence, sure - but he wasn't whole, healthy and happy. he was still searching, grasping and fleeting until the day he died. do we remember his name, yes. would have we remembered it if he didn't believe in "the secret"? i don't know. but i do know that there were things he didn't understand. things he didn't grasp. things he didn't understand and no power of positive thinking could give him that.
so please, if you are pondering 'the secret' please sit with this:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
AA Big Book - Chapter 5
there is no 'easier, softer way', i'm sorry. i wish there was. i wish with all my heart there was. that i could just speak it, believe it and it would be true, but it didn't work for dorothy and it won't work for me.
this is the secret i want you to know. god loves you, god loves you, god loves you.
for those of you living in a cave the secret has been touted by everyone from oprah to news anchors - it's the 'new thing' and people are all a twitter. the saddest part of this is that there is nothing new about it, other than the slick, multi-media, multi-million dollar sales pitch. john stackhouse has taken this on theologically, so i'm going to send you to his great post to explain that:
john stackhouse - oprah's secret: new? old? good? bad?
UPDATE: blair at preachy writings has some really good thoughts too: the secret vs the sphere: in pursuit of happyness and other urban fairy tales
i, on the other hand want to deal with this from the emotional, practical and recovery side.
first of all, i know it is so hard to be in a room with people who have just "found the secret" and to take issue with it. you look like you're too dumb to 'get it' - that's the point. they have found a way to pitch this like 'only the really smart people will understand this' - so ie, you stand against it, you're not smart... sigh. they're brilliant.
the other difficulty here is that you "can't" argue against it because then you are shown to be "negative", and negativity cannot dwell within "the secret". they're good, they're really good. it sets up this knowledge like a four star club that only the positive and smart people can get into - so if you challenge it you're not 'smart or positive' - brilliant. i mean, who wants to go against the queen? (oprah)
i took this position almost exactly 12 months ago when she was all gung ho on james frey and a million little lies, er i mean pieces... - remember that charade? she had found a new recovery, a new way of getting your life back together - remember? just decide and you can do it. what a hot mess that was. do you see the parallels here? oprah (and countless others) have always searched for the way you can have it all without admitting you are powerless.
this is the key. this is the 'easier, softer way' the big book speaks of. i'm sorry, but there is no 'easier, softer way.'
it is my opinion that this is the same lie from the garden, repackaged, slicked up and resold - "god doesn't have your best interests at heart, you can do it without god." it's what eve wanted to hear, it's what we all, deep in our heart of hearts wants to hear and believe.
i know that the people who are selling this will tell you that you can have god and the secret too, but the god they have packaged here is not the god of recovery. there is no easier, softer way. our lives have become unmanageable.
how many drunks, addicts and junkies want to believe that if they just stop being negative that they will be able to have everything they've ever dreamed of? every damn one of us. that's what gets us HERE in the first place, isn't it? the secret is like winning the lotto for the addict - you mean i can have my crack and eat it too? all i have to do is be positive and think good thoughts? yay! hurray! let's start today!
i just hope that oprah and her compatriots will be paying for the rehab of all of those addicts they are leading down this path. this 'easier, softer way'... because it will end in a lavish ball of decadence that leads the addict right back into the willing arms of their addiction.
come on people - how many lindsay lohans, britney spears and olsen twins does it take to tell you money and power and influence don't make people happy, whole and centered. you can't have it all. you just can't. oprah can, you can't. and even she can't fill that great big hole in her heart either, that's why she's got to take each and every one of you with her. because when the cameras stop rolling and nobody's there she's so lonely and desperate every little girl in africa can't make it better.
i love her, oh how i love her. i love her vision, her passion and her ability to see need and meet it - her heart is good, oh so good, but like mine, her heart is deceitful. i think that means that it will always trick her - just like mine. it will always lead her away from god, to the easier, softer way. and unfortunately, where she leads, many, so very many will follow.
"the secret" tells you you are powerful. step one tells us that we are powerless. it's humiliating. it's horrible to have to admit that food, alcohol, sex, drugs, gambling or any other fix has control over you - but in doing so something happens. god does for us what we are not able to do for ourselves. this is the rub. powerful vs. powerless - can you see why they're making millions selling the books and dvd's? who doesn't want to believe that if they think it and say it it will happen? powerful indeed.
what they don't tell you is that all of those people who "knew the secret" from ancient days were still just people. they were still lonely, tried to fill their lives with stuff, money and power and led empty, temporary lives. they still died. dead. done. all of their stuff went to someone else - and their power was gone. that's a secret nobody is talking about.
thomas jefferson is one of the poster children of "the secret". from what i can see he was not a happy person. we're still finding out about the mess he made of his life and the secret relationships he had. he is held out as one of those who understood "the secret". did he have power and influence, sure - but he wasn't whole, healthy and happy. he was still searching, grasping and fleeting until the day he died. do we remember his name, yes. would have we remembered it if he didn't believe in "the secret"? i don't know. but i do know that there were things he didn't understand. things he didn't grasp. things he didn't understand and no power of positive thinking could give him that.
so please, if you are pondering 'the secret' please sit with this:
How It Works
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
AA Big Book - Chapter 5
there is no 'easier, softer way', i'm sorry. i wish there was. i wish with all my heart there was. that i could just speak it, believe it and it would be true, but it didn't work for dorothy and it won't work for me.
this is the secret i want you to know. god loves you, god loves you, god loves you.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
my monolith
okay, i think i have figured out what the blog silence is caused by. the things i am working through right now are so personal (like anything could be more personal than blogging about your sexual addiction??) that i feel silenced by them. it's really because this stuff is "one flesh" stuff with liam and i, and not just my stuff. i have had, and do have, his permission to blog about/talk about all of this for months - but it is so intimate and deeply tied into the "us" of the one flesh that i struggle to put it into words and fear that i am not just telling my story, but his.
i am just so desperate to untangle all of it, that i've decided silence isn't working for me right now, so maybe blogging will. or i might just write it all out here and hit delete, i don't know.
the cartoon below this post is a good representation of how i've been feeling. AA talks about the big pink elephant in the room that the family pretends isn't there. i can imagine if you're read here long enough you know that living with me is hardly silent or that i allow things to go untalked about. so there is no elephant that we avoid, but there is this monolith that seems immovable and i have grown weary and disheartened pushing against it, bashing my head against it and stubbing my toes on it.
i have admitted before that i am codependent and co-addicted. both liam and i have admitted we are both addicts and our lives are unmanageable. he has also admitted that he is depressed. he hasn't done anything about either of those things, but they say admitting it is the first step. the problem is that i have not realized before the level and depth of how enmeshed i have been into his life and non-existent in my own.
the psychic surgery required for this kind of amputation is brutal and i am not navigating it well. i remember jeff writing of his recovery in alanon that he wanted to learn to care about deb, and not for her. me too. i just have no idea how.
it would be easier to hate him, to be apart from him, to sever everything and have distance. years ago i became very enmeshed in my sister's life. i stepped into the role of 'mom' after our mother passed and our relationship became very unhealthy. she married and i was able to disengage myself from the codependency by totally removing myself from the relationship. i can't do that here. i don't want to do that here.
but i don't know how to make better, healthier, consistent choices that are lasting. i have moments of strength, decisions made and steps taken to remove myself from his gravitational pull, but then i get weak, he gets needy or i am just plain old lonely and i get sucked back in. it's like there isn't time for the wound to heal before we re-attach and have be to surgically removed again - the pain is excruciating.
and it's now come to the point where it is affecting my own addictions and abstinence. food has become a comfort again and i am so afraid. the frustrating part of 'dysfunction' is that it 'functions'. it is sometimes attractive and seems necessary to keep the rest of life moving forward. it's like settling for the lesser of evils just to keep the others at bay. does that make sense?
i can see here how and why couples divorce to solve the enmeshed issues. i know it isn't any less painful, and probably more, but it seems like the distance would make getting healthy a bit easier.
the familiar signs and red flags of liam's addiction have been waving in the past month and i am in panic mode. i am like an acrobat waving my arms back and forth, trying to figure out what it is that i can do to restore the lovely balance we had found. i am always the compensator. the one who levels off the teeter-totter trying to make sure i don't get dropped on my butt or end up hanging in the air all alone.
gosh i'm tired. and confused. and lost. and sad. and so very, very sick of it all.
the good thing is we are still talking about it. it's not happening unknowingly. it's not going to sneak up and bite me in the ass next month, but it doesn't seem to be making it any easier.
the other good news is that i have found support. well, actually support found me. one of the women at our church heard my sermon on cd and knew the 'lingo' i used probably meant i had once done OA. she screwed up the courage to email me and we met last week to talk. we meet again tonight to talk and pray. and next week we begin a support group to talk about our food addiction. ironically she lives in the apartment downstairs. god's sense of humor still astounds me sometimes.
so all is not lost, but dang i'm tired. writing has helped. i know we'll find our way through this, it just seems so dark sometimes.
i am just so desperate to untangle all of it, that i've decided silence isn't working for me right now, so maybe blogging will. or i might just write it all out here and hit delete, i don't know.
the cartoon below this post is a good representation of how i've been feeling. AA talks about the big pink elephant in the room that the family pretends isn't there. i can imagine if you're read here long enough you know that living with me is hardly silent or that i allow things to go untalked about. so there is no elephant that we avoid, but there is this monolith that seems immovable and i have grown weary and disheartened pushing against it, bashing my head against it and stubbing my toes on it.
i have admitted before that i am codependent and co-addicted. both liam and i have admitted we are both addicts and our lives are unmanageable. he has also admitted that he is depressed. he hasn't done anything about either of those things, but they say admitting it is the first step. the problem is that i have not realized before the level and depth of how enmeshed i have been into his life and non-existent in my own.
the psychic surgery required for this kind of amputation is brutal and i am not navigating it well. i remember jeff writing of his recovery in alanon that he wanted to learn to care about deb, and not for her. me too. i just have no idea how.
it would be easier to hate him, to be apart from him, to sever everything and have distance. years ago i became very enmeshed in my sister's life. i stepped into the role of 'mom' after our mother passed and our relationship became very unhealthy. she married and i was able to disengage myself from the codependency by totally removing myself from the relationship. i can't do that here. i don't want to do that here.
but i don't know how to make better, healthier, consistent choices that are lasting. i have moments of strength, decisions made and steps taken to remove myself from his gravitational pull, but then i get weak, he gets needy or i am just plain old lonely and i get sucked back in. it's like there isn't time for the wound to heal before we re-attach and have be to surgically removed again - the pain is excruciating.
and it's now come to the point where it is affecting my own addictions and abstinence. food has become a comfort again and i am so afraid. the frustrating part of 'dysfunction' is that it 'functions'. it is sometimes attractive and seems necessary to keep the rest of life moving forward. it's like settling for the lesser of evils just to keep the others at bay. does that make sense?
i can see here how and why couples divorce to solve the enmeshed issues. i know it isn't any less painful, and probably more, but it seems like the distance would make getting healthy a bit easier.
the familiar signs and red flags of liam's addiction have been waving in the past month and i am in panic mode. i am like an acrobat waving my arms back and forth, trying to figure out what it is that i can do to restore the lovely balance we had found. i am always the compensator. the one who levels off the teeter-totter trying to make sure i don't get dropped on my butt or end up hanging in the air all alone.
gosh i'm tired. and confused. and lost. and sad. and so very, very sick of it all.
the good thing is we are still talking about it. it's not happening unknowingly. it's not going to sneak up and bite me in the ass next month, but it doesn't seem to be making it any easier.
the other good news is that i have found support. well, actually support found me. one of the women at our church heard my sermon on cd and knew the 'lingo' i used probably meant i had once done OA. she screwed up the courage to email me and we met last week to talk. we meet again tonight to talk and pray. and next week we begin a support group to talk about our food addiction. ironically she lives in the apartment downstairs. god's sense of humor still astounds me sometimes.
so all is not lost, but dang i'm tired. writing has helped. i know we'll find our way through this, it just seems so dark sometimes.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
god's not enough
found the link to this at hopeful amphibian - thank you mark
read the rest here - God's Not Enough
I find that pretty well every time I try to beat my addictions or my habits or my struggles on my own, I lose. Then I beat myself up, and then I give up.
When I take the risk of letting someone else, maybe you, become part of the story, I still often lose battles. But then I see that you’re “going for it” too, and your honesty and determination creates hope in me. So that instead of beating ourselves up, there’s the possibility of building each other up, and giving each other the gift of hope. And carrying on.
Being alone is the first thing in the bible that God ever said was not good. For Adam, God wasn’t enough! He needed someone like him. Another person to be with and work with.
We can’t do this alone.
I need to know that you’re going for it. Because then I can too.
read the rest here - God's Not Enough
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