day 18 - frozen with snow

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Langston Hughes

Add your thoughts at inward/outward

this is how it feels, missing church today just fortified my feeling left out. it was a great day with a clear head after a good nights sleep - and i needed to get my work done, but i am feeling the affects of my isolation - and realizing that there are very few who notice/care anymore... at least it feels that way here.

found out my therapist spoke today, so i was sad i missed it. looking forward to seeing him on tuesday. will be good to re-engage in that process again. i am a much healthier person when i am in therapy.

but i must admit, i am feeling frozen still. my dreams have died. i have become cynical. i have been fantasizing about the quakers or the buddhists that meet locally. i know that they both tend to be a bit more individualistic in practice, so it really won't have what i'm looking for - i just want to make a statement somehow - cut off my nose to spite my face i guess... i am holding fast to jesus, just grown so very weary with the rest of it all.

i'm sure any who would care to judge would say that it's the bottom of that slippery slope i began years ago, and maybe they are right. would that i could still be a head-covered, left behind preaching, hard-core calvinist - i just can't.

i just can't seem to tease out if it's all interconnected or if it is two (or more) separate strands that i have knotted together in the blah of winter.

so i will sit in my bleak, frozen winter, knowing that the thaw comes very soon. hopefully it will melt more than the snow.

ted haggard struggles with sexuality

Ted Haggard documentary to air on HBO in January - should be interesting to see what this adds to the discussion.

preaching tomorrow

i'm only using that word to stand up for my female self, but i am actually the 'anti-preacher' and do very little from the homiletics course i was required in bible college. and our church is so very far away from that kind of modern church too - every sunday is fully interactive and much heckling, questions and challenges are welcomed and embraced. it's a different way to teach as you need to be prepared for interaction - it's a learned dance and i'm still a bit clumsy with it as i loose my place sometimes, but i'm looking forward to it none the less. i am loved deeply here and among friends, so i really shouldn't be nearly as nervous as i am right now...

anyway - i'm talking about story tomorrow and how better stories help us all to slow, permanent change.

it will be posted online early this week - if you want the link leave me a comment, or email me and i'll be happy to send it to you (so long as i don't totally embarrass myself!) :)

homosexuality

i have been blogging for nearly five years here now and i have chosen to avoid this subject for a couple of reasons. first being i am no expert. second being this subject cuts very close to home for me. third is probably just not wanting to weather a troll storm in my comments or just plain lack of courage, but i have come to realize too late that my silence needs to be broken.

as a recovering sexual addict i have spent far too much of my life with my nose pressed up against the rough edges of life. i haven't written about my sexual addiction in quite some time, mostly because i have had 7 1/2 blessed years of abstinence that i cherish deeply and probably don't want to "jinx" it. i don't believe that's really true when i write it, but sometimes we get superstitious and don't really even know it.

in the past few months i have crossed paths with some amazing new bloggers. most of them are recovery men who happen to be gay. i love gay men. i really do. penni and i have said many times that they are the best friends a wounded woman could have. they live out of a beautiful place in their souls - and usually they've been wounded along their path too, so they just plain "get it".

i am writing about this now because much of the woundedness i see happens at the hands of the church in the name of a very vengeful, atrocious god. it breaks my heart.

as a woman raised in a female hating denomination i had that god on my back for most of my life too. the worst part of spiritual abuse is that the very comforter who should be there when the rest of life turns on you is taken away and made into the one who orchestrated it all. instead of finding comfort from god those of us with vast boatloads of shame are told that the shame is there because we're so screwed up and that god created that shame to get our attention so that we will behave in the way that we're supposed to. it's a really f-ed up logic, but to a child raised in a strict, religious home we're too naive and wounded already that we just can't tease apart the error.

the best part of my recovery journey has been the line from the step 3 "god as i understand him." somehow that gave me permission to begin to peel back the edges of the rigid doctrine i had been raised with and start to question. what i saw was an ugly idol. as sick and twisted as the old testament idols we were warned about. maybe, just maybe this wasn't really god. maybe, just maybe my understanding, and the understanding of those who hurt me so was WRONG. maybe. it's what i'm devoting the next two years of my life to. it will hopefully be my thesis.

maybe that idol needs to be pulled off it's altar so that we can fully find a real god who truly sets us free and is worthy of our devotion.

why this theology stop in a post about homosexuality? it's who i am. a sexual addict who loves theology and i adore the god i've found in recovery. and i so long for others to find that god too.

you see i think the church uses homosexuality as a red herring. i'll shake the red flag over here to divert your eyes so that you don't see my sexual brokenness. i know that in my own life the times i was overly concerned with other people's bedrooms/sexual lives/behaviors was when mine was helter skelter all over the place (mostly in the gutter).

can we all just agree that god wants us all to be more sexually healthy than we are today? whatever that looks like. please, can we stop shaming other people because our own shame is so great and looming that we feel like we need to spread it around?

there isn't some great dividing line that says my sexual brokenness is okay with god and that person's over there isn't. we're all broken. we all need redemption. we all need a god who is big enough to help us heal. let's stop wagging fingers in peoples faces and start to sit with our own brokenness. we all struggle at some level with self acceptance, intimacy and wholeness. homosexual marriage doesn't threaten your family. your own sexual brokenness threatens your family. focus on your own damn family and stop using others as an issue to assuage your guilt.

we who call ourselves christ followers must, in the most honest places of our souls, acknowledge that we know that jesus sat with all who were sexually wounded and offered friendship, healing and hope. how dare we say that there are those who must heal themselves before they can experience the grace of god?

shame on us.

us.

of all people we should be the most understanding - but we're so afraid to acknowledge our own sexual sin/fantasies/behavior that we can't even afford ourselves the grace god extends to us for our own sexual healing.

please understand that i am in no way saying that i expect that jesus will heal anyone of homosexuality. i make no claim/stand/opinion on this - i just know that each of us needs to be more healed and healthy than we we are now. if that healing is found in a committed homosexual relationship before god that is none of my business and i glory in the fact that it's not mine to judge. i want to live a life that accepts, embraces and invites others to the healing i have found and continue to grow in.

if you have been wounded by the god of the religious right i am so sorry. for whatever role i played in that crazy mixed up world i repent. and i invite you to begin to pray, to a kinder, gentler god and ask to have the lies removed, to clear away the error, to do away with the hate and begin to feel the love and peace promised. that prayer continues to be answered in my life and i truly believe it will be in yours too.

here's something my friend steve wrote that might help those of us raised with that right wing god and need to learn to open our hearts and have more mercy and grace:

ragamuffin ramblings: what i wish straight christians knew

god as i understand him

quote from anj:

So I’m convinced your deepest problem is not the cigarettes you smoke or the alcohol you drink in secret. It’s not the slander you speak and the gossip you cherish. It’s not the pornography you pleasure yourself with when no one’s looking. It’s not the baby you aborted; it’s not that you betrayed your brother, cheated on your bride, lied about the whole thing, and retaliated with murder [King Herod]. It’s not even that you slaughtered the Lamb and killed the Messiah. Your deepest problem is that somewhere deep down inside, you believe Jesus the Messiah rose from the dead just to kick your ass, when, in fact, He rose from the dead so you would believe all is forgiven. It is finished! Justice is accomplished. And the Father is pleading, “Come home, come home, come home!”

because they know his voice

one of the greatest hurdles i have had to overcome in the theology of my past is the silent god theology. looking back i can see how it caused so much devastation in my soul. it is insane to think that this teaching can survive the test of the very scriptures they claim to take so literally. "my sheep hear my voice and they know me" - i can remember feeling deep within my heart that i longed to live in a time when god wasn't silent and that he must have loved those in bible times more deeply and dearly than this time because he talked with them.

it was also the time when i began to feel crazy. there were times when i knew i heard god's voice. times i fought the fears of the voice in my head and the diametrically opposed experience i was having to "the truth". many would chuck the teaching they received in church and follow the truth of the voice. i was so trained not to trust myself that i just couldn't. i blamed myself. i was the broken one. i was crazy.

psalm 23 and john 10 are working deeply in my soul right now, weaving together to replace the lies with the truth. i have blogged, journaled and written about this before - but it feels like a second pass, that my theology is being re-formed (gosh i hate that calvin got to co-opt that word!) and allowing the division i have always felt between my spiritual life and my physical life to rejoin and find healing together.

i have searched my blog for the psalm 23 i re-wrote for me personally years ago that idelette encouraged us all to write. mine was violent, angry and jagged. but so honest and expressive of where i was at that time. i am going to search again for it, through my journals so that i can see how far i've come. i think that one of the reasons that psalm 23 never resonated with me before was because i truly never felt like one of those beloved sheep. the voice and the sheep are intricately tied together. only those who can hear the shepherd's voice are those who feel like a part of the fold. i think i deeply resented that others (in biblical times, i brushed off any contemporary christians who "heard god's voice" as being delusional and skitzo and far too big for their britches, because really, who did they think they were that god would talk to them? sigh...) got to hear god's voice and i didn't.

i have been free from that ugly theology for years now, but i still hadn't allowed it to infiltrate into my reading of the bible. for too many years the bible was all i had, and it left me cold most of the time. i spent 4 years of my life devoted to learning how to rightly divide the word of truth, but all that did was make me a self-righteous know it all. i have spent the past couple of years in the gospels and finally the two are coming together - and both are healing the dry, broken places those heresies left behind.

the sacredness of many of the parts of the bible are returning to me. it has been a long, slow journey and at it's start i couldn't even imagine that it would bring it back to me. i am surprised and pleased. it's not all there and i don't know if it ever will return. i still have deep difficulties with so many parts of scripture (i even despise that word, it sounds so fundamental to my ears) - but those red letters are coming back to life for me. breathing new life into these parched places.

i am finding that my soul, my mind and my body can be friends again. it's slow, sometimes painful work, but so worth it. especially when i take a glance over my shoulder and see how very far i've come.

i will fear no evil

how many times have i heard those words? i will fear no evil... 100's? 1,000's? it's one of the most familiar phrases from one of the most well known psalms - i will fear no evil. it plunged so deeply into my soul yesterday during worship that it made me gasp, then cry and then bite the inside of my cheek so hard as to stop the depth of emotion rising. i knew if i allowed it to it would have reduced me to a keening, weeping puddle on the floor.

long time readers of my blog will know that i am an addict and my two most difficult drugs of choice that i deal with are food and sex. in less than a month i will celebrate an abstinence of 8 years from the most debilitating of those behaviors. it has been an incredible 8 years. the growth and serenity (and sanity) i have been given because of this abstinence edges on to the miraculous.

there has also been a wall or a ceiling that i just cannot seem to break through though. i have been able to maintain a solid 30 lb., sometimes 40 lb. weight loss, during these 8 years. i can wear normal clothes and would be happy to be this size for the rest of my life - but that 10 lbs. limbo has such an extreme effect on me. for the past year (at least) i have been sitting with the emotions that well up in me because of this limbo.

at the 40 lb. place i feel so healthy, so good in my skin, so much more of who i find myself to be. the tipping point happens though when i am noticed. there is such a deep, quivering wounded place inside my soul that panics when that happens. i have only been conscious of it during the moment for about the past 3-4 months. previous to that i only realized it after the fact. during these past few months i have begun to identify the emotions while they are happening. i haven't really been capable (or haven't figured out how to be capable) enough to do anything about it, but i am at least conscious of it happening. there is a choice being made. i am not compulsive about it any more. and herein lies the rub. this is why these posts on bread have become so important to me.

i know when i am taking that first bite that i am choosing to comfort myself apart from my daily provision or allow myself to be inconsolable. the panic is so great deep within me that nothing matters except replacing those pounds that keep me invisible.

i have told hope, and talked with liam, and even shared last week at my OA group that this is my greatest fear - but i don't remember if i've ever written about it here. somewhere deep within me i am terrified, and yes, terrified is the right word, that i am going to slip sexually. not just in the hidden, private way i used to participate in my addiction, but publicly, exploding and imploding all that i love and hold dear.

i know this is so deeply rooted in who i believe myself to be that any time i begin to feel sexual, sexy or even feminine i crash. and liam and i have spoken of this candidly and it's not usually in the context of our marriage and sexual life, it seems to live outside of me/us. something is broken, something i believe to be true deep in my soul is a lie, someplace in me has been crushed and wounded and shamed so deeply that i am unable to believe anything else to be true.

somehow i have convinced myself that i am like a dog in heat - that any offer i am given will be acted upon and i will wreck everything. i know in my head that this is probably highly unlikely, but in the terrified place in my soul i doubt the truth with all of my being.

this is fine when i am house mom and only in community when it's safe, but life is opening up before me now and the level of terror i feel is palpable. i have sat with these emotions and the reassurances of my best friends and husband that i am not this woman for months now but the fear still causes me to zip on that parka of fat and project a person to the world who is unnoticeable and safe.

the slightest comment, even from a stranger can send me into a tailspin. crossing the border on friday i was just sitting in the volvo alone, reading bonhoeffer and minding my own business and a 60 year old man was crossing in the opposite direction on the bridge. i hear "hello gorgeous" and look up to see he is talking to me. it was sweet and put a smile on my face, but in the back recesses of my mind it started to erode me again. maybe i should just return to that no-makeup, disheveled sweatpants wearing woman i used to be so that i can navigate society as invisibly as possible. maybe doing my hair, wearing bright colors and looking my best is me somehow seeking attention that is wrong.

how can so many of my beautiful female friends looks so sexy, wonderful and confident all of the time and not be riddled with insecurity, shame and confusion like i am? i leave the house feeling so good about myself now and then bam, someone says something like this and i am so confused.

this community is also a wonderful place of real friendship. interaction with my peers and deep conversations abound, many of them with men, or couples and it fills something deep within me. i love my new friends, and i am loved within this community. people think big thoughts here and we have some incredible times of connection. it's so much of what i have ever wanted - but it terrifies me. i have never had true male friendships before like i have here. the church culture i was raised with forbid male/female friendships and i was told repeatedly that they were dangerous.

i was dangerous. the messages that i have been programmed with through ugly theology, abuse and misogyny have rendered me incapable of trusting myself in community. i am so broken. and bread has been my comfort. that 5 lbs. of safety somehow has made me more able to engage. but i know soon 5 lbs. won't be enough. no bread will be enough. this will escalate and my serenity and abstinence will have been lost if i don't connect these dots.

one dot was connected for me during worship yesterday. we sang an unfamiliar song and those are always good for me to engage me in new thought as i read the lyrics. one of the lines was so familiar - but fresh and new all the same. (living and active possibly???) i will fear no evil. i am not a dog in heat. i have and will be able to continue to say no to things that are not good for me. fearing some kind of affair or escapade is not helpful to my serenity. i will fear no evil. god is with me - now - and will be with me if and when some very unlikely offer was ever made that my mind has me exploding my life with. i will fear no evil. living a life not manipulated by fear is where i want to be. just for today i will fear no evil.

heat and light

i have been having a conversation with a friend via email where i used the term "more heat than light". she asked me to explain it and as i typed out my answer i thought it might make a good blog post - and because they are so few and far between lately i'll take anything i can get! :)

i used to be quite the scrapper in groups of people - eager to state my views and beliefs and argue theology left and right. i think it was one of my ways of dealing with my misbelief that i was an "extrovert" as my social discomfort was soothed by making everyone else in the room uncomfortable... sigh.

i now judge my participation in conversations by whether they are generating "heat" or "light" - if it's a debate I want no part of it any more - (i used to think that every time there was more than one view in the room it had to be a debate or an argument) - now i know that different views can be in the same room without it escalating into chaos and anger. it's been one of the best gifts emergent has given to me. not having to CORRECT everyone's theology before the end of the discussion. gosh it's tiring being the holy spirit! :p

so if people are there to argue i want no part of it - if they are there to speak and listen i'll gladly join in. i want light - not heat. does that make sense?

it's how i judge conversations with people of other faiths too (especially those of the "old time religion" i used to participate in) - i used to try to argue them away - now i'll gladly talk if there is a real conversation happening. i don't live in fear that they will pollute me or my beliefs - or that I AM THE ONLY JESUS THEY WILL EVER SEE... sigh. it's exhausting being jesus too! :)

ficus on the family??

Update: okay - I might be the most gullible - but I still can't believe that would pen someone's repentance letter - I know it's the Door - but still. Just to show that I'm not totally vapid I did catch the Google April Fool's joke (took me a sec, but this one slipped right by me....) I still can't comfirm or deny it - but assume since it is the 1st that they got me - I still think it was in bad taste to have him "repent" as a joke.

I received this in an email from the Wittenburg Door this morning and I honestly couldn't be more stunned. As one who has grown up through this similar ugly form of Dispensationalism I must say that I applaud Dr. Dobson and am so proud of him for his public repentance. I have taken quite a few swipes at his inconsistencies myself on this blog, so I want to make sure to give credit where credit is due:

We have tweaked our friend the Rev. James Dobson pretty regularly in the past, particular for his involvement in politics. And when Dr. Dobson called for the resignation of the Rev. Richard Cizik, president for the National Association of Evangelicals because he believed that Cizik was spending too much time worrying about global warming and not enough time spent on “core” Religious Right issues, such as abortion and same-sex marriages, we gigged him pretty hard then, too.

However, we received this e-mail this morning from Dobson’s Focus on the Family ministry and we think it is a remarkable document. It is probably the most honest, most revealing statement ever made by the normally carefully controlled Dobson.

So, in the spirit of Christian reconciliation, we’re making available Dr. Dobson’s complete statement, without editorial comment. (If you would like to send Dr. Dobson an e-mail of support for his courageous reassessment, we’ve kept his contact information at the end of his statement.)

Perhaps he should rename it FICUS on the Family

– Robert Darden, Senior Editor

Colorado Springs, CO – Dear friends and supporters:

Since my ill-advised attack on my dear friend Dick Cizik a few days ago, I have had an extraordinary week of reflection and spiritual enlightenment.

Through the counsel of godly men, such as the Rev. Dr. Jack Hayford, the Rev. Rick Warren, Richard Stearns (President, World Vision), David Neff (Editor, Christianity Today) and other members of The Evangelical Climate Initiative (www.Christiansandclimate.org), I’ve come to see that my assessment of Dick’s motives and, in fact, “global warming,” have been in error as well.

I have been guilty of a particularly pernicious form of short-sighted Dispensationalism, believing that since the earth has no future with the blessed Second Coming nigh, we, as Christians, have no responsibility to care for Creation.

Through loving testimony, instruction and careful study of the Bible with these and other mentors, I no longer believe that Dick is – as I said earlier, much to my regret -- guilty of a “relentless campaign” to save the planet at the expense of what I called more “serious” issues, such as same-sex marriage. I see now that I have strictly exploited those issues and others like them to manipulate my audience and as a calculated and callous form of fund-raising.

As part of my penance for my unmerited attacks on a courageous, godly man, I have initiated contact with both the Rev. Jerry Falwell and Don Wildmon, with the earnest desire to convince them of the error of their ways as well. While both continue to condemn what they call “earthism worship,” I will continue to pray that this revelation will be made available to them as well.

As for the rest of my penance, I will devote the rest of my career – however long the Lord sees fit to continue in this capacity – to working with my Christian brothers and sisters to insure that all life on the planet, God’s first and greatest gift to us, is protected and cherished.

God bless you all,

Jim Dobson
Focus on the Family
8605 Explorer Drive
Colorado Springs, CO 80995
1-800-232-6459
www.family.org

speaking the truth in love

either i've become soft or my theology is truly changing my heart. i never really thought that conflict was a problem for me. i am an opinionated woman and lead from my gut. i can think on the fly a lot of the time and hold my own in most conversations, even heated ones.

but one thing that i have found recently is that i have begun to let "old relationships" die. we have moved quite a bit, and maintaining friendships over distance isn't something i'm good at unless they are like you all - internet savvy and as interested in pursuing online correspondence as "we" are.

i have recently realized though that i am allowing some of these relationship to die because i believe in my heart of hearts that if they knew what i believed about their faith now they would brand me with a scarlet H and out me as a heretic. even here i haven't blogged through some of the ways in which my theology is morphing and my questions are becoming larger than my answers.

i do believe though that conflict and conflict resolution is truly the bridge to community. when we care enough to work through our problems the ties that bind us grow stronger.

i have realized that i can say that all i want and it still doesn't make it true unless i live it out. one of the filters i use on being opinionated and outspoken is that of 'speaking the truth in love'. if i can't say it in love i can't say it.

what i am finding through living out this filter is that the love i have for people and relationships isn't as strong as i thought it was. i realize that if the relationship cannot maintain the work it will take to walk through this problem it's probably not going to sustain me in the hard work i have to do to get to the other side. i don't like that. love isn't nearly as good of a motivator for me as being pissed off or when i am seeking justice. those emotions motivate me to action. love i'm finding is much more difficult than i realized.

i find i love myself and my peace of mind more than i love some others from my past.

i have a very good friend, things between us got a bit sideways. i was tempted to write her off. i was afraid if i spoke my truth she would have chapter and verse to show me i was wrong, and i don't really have the energy for those kind of debates anymore. if there is more heat than light i want nothing to do with it. i know that some things are worth fighting for - but i'm finding that the list of 'those things' is growing smaller each day.

the temptation to just loose contact was strong, but i realized that the love i have for her is stronger. i don't want to loose her friendship. i had hoped we could speak face to face over the holidays, that didn't happen and i was left with few good options. i decided to write her a letter, i sat with my words for the full weekend and finally sent them.

they were well received, but now the work begins. trying to speak my truth, keeping it about me and not her, and not basing my behavior on her response is key to this for me. i know much of this is more for me than it is for her. it is still hard. much of what i am addressing is still so fresh and new, i haven't had the courage to verbalize much of it before. i explained to her that these ideas feel like new shoots in the garden and i don't want things uprooted or squashed.

putting these things down in writing is important. speaking them "out loud" is necessary. if they don't have the strength to grow into real beliefs what good are they?

i left a comment on a new blog today about letting the worms out of the can. the damn things just won't go back in. so i sit, with my worms and new growth, i know they are good for each other - but it's a dirty, fertile place of waiting. waiting for the light to bring strength, growth and maturity to these fledgling seeds. god send the light.

decision making, happiness and god's will

rick at new life emerging has a question post about determining god's will. the comment i was leaving got so long i just decided to make a post out of it here:

i think that having 'happy' as a goal for our lives will always leave us searching.

i find that real joy and contentment are far more satisfying in the long run.

we have made many major life changes and our first indication of a need to change circumstances is our mental and spiritual health.

we find that as we get more healthy, especially in ministry, that we no longer tolerate situations we used to agree to. when that happens and we have no influence to change things we begin to investigate our options. knowing all of your options is the best place to start with decision making.

then we begin to pray for open doors. we seek counsel from people we love and who love us and continue to investigate each option to it's full potential. if we feel any hesitation with the information we find (like cost of living or school situations for our kids, etc) we assume that is a closed door. we proceed until doors close. when they close we take that as an indication that we aren't supposed to head in that direction.

my theology used to be so specific in this area - that there was some magic combination needed to make god happy and that i had to figure out - so that i didn't step "out of his will" and end up a smudge on the highway. i now believe that there are lots of good options and it's up to me to continue to choose life instead of death in the decisions i make. could we have been happier/whole-er/more fulfilled in ontario instead of the maritimes? maybe? but the doors to move here didn't close and we are making the healthiest, most life giving choices we can each and every day.

we are content, have much joy and know that god is giving us the desires of our heart. we have found the community we have always longed for and while it's not all sunshine and roses we know that the choices we have made have consequences that we can live with as we seek to expand the kingdom of god here in our community.

i am so glad to be free from the 'magic path theology' of yesteryear. it is a confusing trap that i think doesn't come from god at all. i used to joke that paul's verse 'whatsoever state i find myself, therewith to be content' meant even iowa! :) (where i went to bible college and met my husband).

i think there is truth there that folds into this. contentment is a far more tangible goal than happiness. god never promises us a happy life. it's an unfulfillable goal - and it actually creates a void of happiness because it remains so fleeting - so it backfires instead of bringing life. joy allows for richness even when situations are difficult, even when i am not happy. i can be grieving and still be full of joy - i cannot grieve and be happy. joy allows me to be present to all of my emotions, not just the ones that fulfill my goal of 'happiness'.

it makes for a much richer, reality based life, instead of having the temptation to stuff away bad emotions and pretend. i have seen far too many christians (especially) need to sugar coat everything so that god doesn't get a bum rap - like they are his PR person putting a spin on it all. it's so sad to see, especially when they have to admit that bad things do happen to good people.

i know that this was way more than rick was looking for - but once i got going i just couldn't stop. making small, continual, positive choices for life. i think that is what god's will for his people truly is.

the orchard of grace

What happens when we live God's way?

He brings gifts into our lives,
much the same way that fruit
appears in an orchard;

things like affection for others,
exuberance about life,
serenity.

We develop a willingness to stick with things,
a sense of compassion in the heart,
and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates
things and people.

We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments,
not needing to force our way in life,
able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way.

Galatians 5:22-23
The Message

purgatorio: You Know You've Attained Dispensationalist Divine Status When:

this made us laugh out loud this morning - marc, you crack me up!

purgatorio: You Know You've Attained Dispensationalist Divine Status When:

augustine interviews god

maggi dawn linked to an amazing link today. thought you might enjoy it as much as i did. thanks maggi!

augustine interviews god

grid blog :: pentecost 2005

pentecost 2005

ah, the day of pentecost. i have lived my whole christian life jealous of that time of church history. i grew up with the teaching that the holy spirit was the 'add on' to the trinity. kind of like jiminy cricket on your shoulder, making you feel guilty, and 'illuminating scripture' whatever that was supposed to mean. so very little of my training and teaching ever came close to any type of real truth on that great wind that indwells me.

it has probably only been in the past year that i have truly began to explore what indeed worship of the holy spirit and the role it plays in my life. 'it' is such an impersonal pronoun, but i just can't seem to use 'he' - it just doesn't fit - and i know if i use 'she' i will be stoned as a heretic, even though the feminine is used to describe 'it' in the biblical narrative.

last pentecost the emergent kiwi used pumice stone soaked in some flamable liquid and used it during his service - i was jealous of that church history too. i wish this could be the type of post that ranted and raved of the amazing intimacy i have with the holy one, that i had a grasp of what all of that means in my life, but i'm too painfully honest to lie to you all. i long for nothing more, but live in a world that is sadly negligent toward this person of the godhead.

between ministries at our last church and this one, and during a few other stages of my life i have desperately prayed to be given 'spirit gifts' - and went to vineyard churches and even 'the airport' for a bit of the blessing to fall fresh on me. i begged god to visit me in miraculous ways, to heal me, to give me the gift of tongues, to do anything that would be marvelous and evidence of his love for me. nothing happened. i was shoved to the floor a couple of times and landed in tears, not because i was moved by the spirit, but because again there was nothing moving. i'm not judging anyone else's faith walk, i just know i've never wanted anything more in my life and been so disappointed when it didn't work for me.

since that time i have found that it is through stillness and meditation that i am given glimpses of the spirit. those quiet times when the inner teacher appears in my life. the path is definately one that i would like to change, and to be more dramatic and active, but it seems i don't get to make the rules. so in stillness and in quiet the inner teacher comes, not as jiminy cricket, but as a gentle guide, a nudge, an inner voice that clears the fog, makes way where there was no way before or just reassures me of the place where my feet must walk.

i long for tongues of fire, powerful, showy gifts and lots of evidence. i am given a gentle breeze that i miss if i don't take the time to quiet my soul. i know that the inner teacher does illuminate and bring light to dark places, and for now, that is enough.

forgetting what is behind

okay, i'm wrestling with a verse and i need your wisdom please. our sp preached on phil. 3:12-14 this week and i think he got it all wrong (imnsho...)

as one addicted to redemption as i am i believe that the past is the fertile ground in which our stories take place. forgetting the past would be like the tree forgetting where it's roots lie, right? i'm really frustrated by this mentality that past mistakes are to be forgotten, never look back, blah de blah de blah...

again, imnsho, i think paul is talking about leaving the pharisee life behind. setting aside the bling and the credentials of his old place in life to do the sweaty work of making tents for bedouins, leaving behind the cushy life for the hard call of christ. am i wrong?

any greek scholars (susie?) to help me with the original language here - and i don't want to know 'how it's usually translated' - i think that's where a lot of the problems we have in the church come from - no one challenging the 'usual way'. help me twist this up please - help me come at it from a new fresh, 2 edged sword way - living and active. because the sp's theology of this verse leaves me cold, makes god a sadist in my eyes and it looks a heck of a lot like denial to me...

this beautiful vision

i grew up with dispensational theology that said 'kingdom' language in the bible was totally reserved for the future millenial kingdom. this world here, oh it was just the waiting room for heaven. just get as many people 'saved' as you can, that's the reason you're left here. ugly theology. it makes sane people suicidal and justifies all kinds of wars and cruelty to fellow mankind.

this theology redeems that broken kind of thinking. this tells me there is a purpose here, today, right now. the kingdom is at hand, prepare the way of the lord. i truly think the world would be a much better place if that dispensational theology (ie. left behind crap) was cleaned out of our churches and lives. god has a great purpose in TODAY, you are part of the kingdom. i am part of the kingdom - live like that today!

Anticipating the Vision

The marvelous vision of the peaceable Kingdom, in which all violence has been overcome and all men, women, and children live in loving unity with nature, calls for its realisation in our day-to-day lives. Instead of being an escapist dream, it challenges us to anticipate what it promises. Every time we forgive our neighbor, every time we make a child smile, every time we show compassion to a suffering person, every time we arrange a bouquet of flowers, offer care to tame or wild animals, prevent pollution, create beauty in our homes and gardens, and work for peace and justice among peoples and nations we are making the vision come true.

We must remind one another constantly of the vision. Whenever it comes alive in us we will find new energy to live it out, right where we are. Instead of making us escape real life, this beautiful vision gets us involved.

from henri nouwen.

onward christian farmers!

....marching as to plow...

is it just me or is this doctrine of war that has crept into the church one of the ugliest heresies to come along?

i know 'crept' is probably the wrong word, it's been there since the crusades, but it's subtle (before this year) re-emergence seems like creeping to me. now it's just a full blown, flag-wavin' proud, right wing belief.

i was raised by a mother (the real bobbie) who would cry at super-market openings while that year's fair queen poorly sang the national anthem. she was the most patriotic person i knew. she taught me that war was good for the economy and got things moving again.

that folded into an eschatology that thirsted for war as a 'sign of the times' - wars and rumors of wars were sure indication we were just moments away from the rapture.

during this past year or so i have done a lot of personal stock-taking and re-education into this theory that our god is a god of war. believe me, i've heard it all. those old testament justifications of god's wrath and the chosen people's need to smear out anyone who was against them. i'm not looking for someone to convince me of the error of my ways, really, i've been there.

i've become so much more aware of the words of christ and how foreign they were to the belief structure that i had been raised with. he came to begin a new covenant. so, where did all of the 'onward christian soldier' crap come from?

what i've done lately is pull out every new testament passage that speaks of war, weapon, soldier, fight, etc. that i can find and really study what it (they're always written by paul) says.

Paul included soldier/warfare/fight in 1 & 2 corinthians & 1 & 2 timothy and philemon.

1 Corinthians 9:7
Who goeth a warfare any time at his own charges? who planteth a vineyard, and eateth not of the fruit thereof? or who feedeth a flock, and eateth not of the milk of the flock?

this first reference to warfare by paul to illustrate the need for workers/pastors to be given a salary or paid. it's used right along with farmer and shepherd. paul is using occupations that are familiar to the corinthians. all people who get paid and supported for doing the work they do. there is no call to a military church here, it is simply an illustration.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

this passage brings a stronger use of the metaphor into paul's writing, but instead of bolstering the idea that we should be soldiers for jesus we are told just the opposite. ON THE CONTRARY! the war we are fighting is with our thoughts, it's in our own heads. taking every thought captive.

again, paul uses a familiar, down to earth illustration to drive home his point. we aren't to be fighting like those around us - our battle is in our heads, it is with ourselves. hardly a call to arms.

1 Timothy 1:17-20 KJV (used because of it's 'war' terms)
Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honour and glory for ever and ever. Amen. This charge I commit unto thee, son Timothy, according to the prophecies which went before on thee, that thou by them mightest war a good warfare; Holding faith, and a good conscience; which some having put away concerning faith have made shipwreck: Of whom is Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme.

okay, here is a personal admonition to timothy regarding a prophecy in his own life. what 'war a good warfare' means we can only guess at, but in my humble rendering it would mean 'take courage timothy, you have been 'armed' (gifted) to do what god has called you to do'. not go war with your neighbors.

or as the NIV states it:

1 Timothy 1:18
Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight.

in 2 timothy paul invokes a soldier metaphor:

2 Timothy 2:4
No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs–he wants to please his commanding officer.

again, not calling timothy to arms, but using a frame of reference that timothy would have been familiar with to illustrate his commitment and call as a pastor.

the last (except for the revelation terms which can be interpreted how ever you feel eschatologically called to do, for purpose of this i don't want to get caught up in the past/future, but rather stay here in the present) place any war-like term is used is in philemon.

Philemon 1:2
"to Apphia our sister, to Archippus our fellow soldier and to the church that meets in your home. here is probably paul's most personal statement. by calling archippus a 'fellow soldier' he includes himself in the ranks. i think it might be translated 'commrade', which may have a military flavor to it also, but 'brother in arms', 'team-mate' or 'member' would probably suit as well.

it still lacks any call to arms or decisive encouragement for christians to go to war. ...with the cross of jesus going on before... yuck.

if you start to listen to gwb critcally you start to hear that he hints that american/democracy and freedom itself is the 'great white hope'. that american democracy is going to restore hope and freedom to the world. i'm sorry, but that is heresy. jesus is the only hope for freedom. gwb is trying to do what the disciples asked jesus to do, and he wanted no part of it.

he rebuked peter and called him satan for attempting to bring kingdom peace by using the sword. this heresy is polluting the american church and becoming a form of idolitry.

paul uses many metaphors in his writings, a soldier, a farmer, a shepherd, a wrestler, a boxer. can you imagine inserting anything but soldier into that old favorite hymn? onward christian shepherds?? onward christian wrestlers??

i was told that at the MOPS convention this year out of eden had re-invented this song/concept and brought it forward 100+ years with the song 'soldiers'. they chant 'where are my soldiers?' and the crowd shouts 'right here', over and over throughout the performance. the last line of the song says:

It's a call for some soldiers
So if you're not afraid to take a stand
Then let me see you raise your hand.

reprogramming a new generation for it's warmongering future.

jim wallis has a new he is urging leaders to sign. with the rhetoric reaching a fevered pitch it's important to remember that a president, a country or a war cannot give or bring freedom. america is not the 'light that shines in the darkness' we need to remember that today more than ever.

optional endings - my theories

bill at poet in motion has asked for input into the questions being raised in eschatology. again, i started to comment on his blog, but these issues turn into posts of their own, so i am responding here.

i was raised in the denomination that 'invented' dispensationalism and studied it at bible college, not for professional reasons, but for a deep love of theology. a deep need within me to know as much of god's word as i could possibly understand. to piece together the puzzle that the bible was to me.

most of my emerging is from a lot of the that doctrine and the belief system that i grew up with. i started to call it into question when i began to study the beatitudes. you see dispensationalism sets aside the beatitudes for the millenial kingdom. those precious words of christ are not intended for now, no, it wouldn't be possible for us to be merciful, meek, or mournful, the sermon on the mount was jesus' picture of the millenial kingdom, those are saved for a future time. i started to realize that the christianity i was a part of looked very little like jesus.

that scared the hell out of me. i started to pick those parts of my theology apart, and the rest of the ball got unravelled too. this emerging thing for me is looking at all of the string and keeping the bits of truth and seperating knots of untruth and lies and throwing them away.

for me it began in 1995, i was a faithful reader of the 'left behind' series. (and i can proudly say i never purchased any of them to feed the lehay/jenkins money machine.) as a good dispensationalist i knew they were flawed from the beginning because they made america the center of the story, but i was willing to overlook that for the sake of the world awakening to the coming threat of the rapture... the more i read, the more my stomach turned. i kept reading each installment so that i could intelligently speak on the books to the youth and parents in the church my husband works at, but with each book i soured. by this last book 'glorious appearing' i was so put off i couldn't finish it, and i finish every book i read. jihad jesus stomping through the holy land uttering red letter verses taken out of context and zapping the unbelievers with his eyes. it was horrible. it made me so angry. this was not my jesus.

throughout the series i started to see how this theology and belief really played out in my life and the lives of others who hold that view of the future.

i started to see that the rapture had become the hope of the church, not jesus, the rapture had become an idol. getting swept away from this 'god-forsaken' earth was what those around me really wanted. leave all the sinful to their sodom and gomorrah and we'll just be in heaven. yuck. what a club for people who don't want to live in the present. what i saw when i took off those rapture colored glasses was really ugly.

back in june i blogged on the beginnings of my ability to voice the discord i was feeling about what i had always believe and how i was seeing that play itself out. after reading this post by jonny baker. he blogged the concept of 'escapology', and it cracked a door for me.

here's how i see this theology play itself out in our lives today:

~i had always been taught that protecting israel was necessary, that god would bring back the temple, so the palestinian people (many of whom are christians) didn't matter. all that mattered was isreal having that piece of property, and the north american church was going to somehow make that happen. (yuck)

~why recycle? we don't need this earth and it's resources anyway - god is going to give us a new heaven and a new earth, and jesus is coming back 'any moment', so screw the earth, screw the environmentalist and their fear mongering. we know that we aren't going to be here when things get really bad, so by making it worse i might actually be making the rapture happen even sooner... (ugh)

~we need more wars because the bible says that they show the end times are coming, more earth quakes and natural disasters, hurray! that means the 'big sweep' will happen any minute. (ick)

~everyone and anyone who opposes 'the church' becomes the 'antichrist' when the church itself looks less like christ than just about anything i see.

i realized in june that i have options. i don't know them all yet, or even which one i'll finally land on. the newest theory i've been able to uncover is
preterism and from what i have read (please correct me if i'm wrong) is the concept that other than the millenial kingdom and the real stuff that supposed to be at the 'end' the other stuff has already happened.

the defiling of and destruction of the temple, the torture of the jewish people, all of that that jesus predicted 'would happen within their lifetime' (matt 16:28) did.

this for me reconciles a lot. i haven't had the time to really study it, but again, it's cracked the door and shed some light on things that never really made much sense for me.

i remember our first church as a married couple. we were fresh out of bible college and ready to take on the world. there was an amazing older man, a theologian, who i adored. we spoke many times of deep interesting subjects and he respected me and my voice (unheard of in a brethren church). there was one day when our discussion turned to eschatology. i waited with bated breath to hear his wisdom. he looked at me and said 'well, i am a WAS'.

a 'was'?? what the heck is that? 'wait and see' he said. what a cop out i thought, god gives us all this amazing information to sift through and that's the best you can come up with? wait and see? i was actually angry, and disappointed. oh the naivety of youth. how i'd love to sit and talk with him today.

some things we were never meant to be sure of.

The Father's Love Letter

The Father's Love Letter

neritia is speaking deep truth at her blog coming down the mountain about her pain and childhood. she is so very brave.

one of the shittiest things about our finite minds is that god must illustrate himself to us in ways that we can understand, and that usually means that someone can come along and screw that up. (ie, jesus being like the body of christ - church, and god being like our father here on earth).

if our dads drop the ball, or even worse seek to harm us it tells us things about god that aren't true. identifying the lies and replacing them with the truth becomes necessary if we are ever to have intimacy with god in the way he intended.

this site is a good place to start.

i've been listening to 'life of the beloved' by henri nouwen on tape since the kids have returned to school. that is another great step i highly recommend (or reading his book, but listening to his dutch accent is precious) to help replace the lies with the truth and give us a fuller understanding of just how crazy in love he really is with us.