how much god loves me

do you want to know how much god loves me and my recovery? i found out yesterday and am amazed.

i live in a small university town, it's a very distinctive school, attracts very creative, postmodern people of faith who really care about the world. many people relocate here later in life to change course - kind of like me, so we regularly have new families move into our community and it's always very exciting. i had been hearing rumblings of that very thing and it creates a lot of energy and excitement because they usually have kids and we're all very curious as to what grades they will be in and if our kids will have new friends soon.

i was at our community's summer fun spot yesterday picnicking with friends and the mum of the new family had arrived early, she had immigration issues to sort out so that her family could follow her soon. i watched her engage in the group, wondering if she was going to be the type of person i would naturally click with. she was eating health food and so very tiny - i judged from a distance that she was kind and outgoing, but figured that we'd be acquaintances, but probably not friends.

i hung back throughout the day as she conversed with others and i had some great talks with friends, watched my kids kayak, swim and ride the atvs. at the very end of the day i heard her talking about hopping borders and how it makes buying a home so difficult, establishing residency and all of the other big stuff of international moves. i waited until there was a break in the conversation and introduced myself and said that i had just been through all of those things recently and would be more than happy to help with anything. she said "oh, i know who you are and i have to give you a great big hug!"

she comes over to me, gives me a huge squeeze, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear "i'm a recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic and i heard your talks on the drive up here and i couldn't wait to meet you!"

she told me that she had to drive an hour to get to a meeting back in her home state and how when they were considering their move back here (she did some of her undergrad at the university years ago) she skeptically checked the OA website to see if there were any meetings and found out that there was one, not only in the town she was moving to, but that met in the very church she already called home.

this meeting has been a constant frustration for me recently. the woman i started with is in full blown relapse (and angry at me), her husband who kept coming for months after couldn't do the pull between both worlds and stopped coming and hasn't been seen for months and the two newbies who do come really just want to loose weight without all of that 12 steps stuff and one of them is the wife of the couple with whom i have had all of the painful history. (who liam and i have sent a letter asking for mediation because our community is so small that i can't be in the same room with them without it causing me great amounts of stress - but they have blown off, not acknowledged and acted like everything is "normal") she is the master of denial and lives in such a self constructed world - i don't know how she does it as she acts like my best friend in group, still invites us to get togethers, but when it comes time to anything below the surface she fades and folds.

in a recovery group of 3 people it makes a meeting much less than one could hope for.

the beauty of the program is that it is so strong that the routine and the prayers are enough for me - but in a small town i did not know if there would ever be real kindred souls who get recovery enough to find an echo of support f2f again. this changes everything.

so the hug and deep conversation after left us both teary and rejoicing that god's will for my life has presents like this along the way.

god as i understand him

quote from anj:

So I’m convinced your deepest problem is not the cigarettes you smoke or the alcohol you drink in secret. It’s not the slander you speak and the gossip you cherish. It’s not the pornography you pleasure yourself with when no one’s looking. It’s not the baby you aborted; it’s not that you betrayed your brother, cheated on your bride, lied about the whole thing, and retaliated with murder [King Herod]. It’s not even that you slaughtered the Lamb and killed the Messiah. Your deepest problem is that somewhere deep down inside, you believe Jesus the Messiah rose from the dead just to kick your ass, when, in fact, He rose from the dead so you would believe all is forgiven. It is finished! Justice is accomplished. And the Father is pleading, “Come home, come home, come home!”

decision making, happiness and god's will

rick at new life emerging has a question post about determining god's will. the comment i was leaving got so long i just decided to make a post out of it here:

i think that having 'happy' as a goal for our lives will always leave us searching.

i find that real joy and contentment are far more satisfying in the long run.

we have made many major life changes and our first indication of a need to change circumstances is our mental and spiritual health.

we find that as we get more healthy, especially in ministry, that we no longer tolerate situations we used to agree to. when that happens and we have no influence to change things we begin to investigate our options. knowing all of your options is the best place to start with decision making.

then we begin to pray for open doors. we seek counsel from people we love and who love us and continue to investigate each option to it's full potential. if we feel any hesitation with the information we find (like cost of living or school situations for our kids, etc) we assume that is a closed door. we proceed until doors close. when they close we take that as an indication that we aren't supposed to head in that direction.

my theology used to be so specific in this area - that there was some magic combination needed to make god happy and that i had to figure out - so that i didn't step "out of his will" and end up a smudge on the highway. i now believe that there are lots of good options and it's up to me to continue to choose life instead of death in the decisions i make. could we have been happier/whole-er/more fulfilled in ontario instead of the maritimes? maybe? but the doors to move here didn't close and we are making the healthiest, most life giving choices we can each and every day.

we are content, have much joy and know that god is giving us the desires of our heart. we have found the community we have always longed for and while it's not all sunshine and roses we know that the choices we have made have consequences that we can live with as we seek to expand the kingdom of god here in our community.

i am so glad to be free from the 'magic path theology' of yesteryear. it is a confusing trap that i think doesn't come from god at all. i used to joke that paul's verse 'whatsoever state i find myself, therewith to be content' meant even iowa! :) (where i went to bible college and met my husband).

i think there is truth there that folds into this. contentment is a far more tangible goal than happiness. god never promises us a happy life. it's an unfulfillable goal - and it actually creates a void of happiness because it remains so fleeting - so it backfires instead of bringing life. joy allows for richness even when situations are difficult, even when i am not happy. i can be grieving and still be full of joy - i cannot grieve and be happy. joy allows me to be present to all of my emotions, not just the ones that fulfill my goal of 'happiness'.

it makes for a much richer, reality based life, instead of having the temptation to stuff away bad emotions and pretend. i have seen far too many christians (especially) need to sugar coat everything so that god doesn't get a bum rap - like they are his PR person putting a spin on it all. it's so sad to see, especially when they have to admit that bad things do happen to good people.

i know that this was way more than rick was looking for - but once i got going i just couldn't stop. making small, continual, positive choices for life. i think that is what god's will for his people truly is.

augustine interviews god

maggi dawn linked to an amazing link today. thought you might enjoy it as much as i did. thanks maggi!

augustine interviews god

denial is very under-rated you know...

while making supper last night the phone rings. liam hands it to me and i hear 'denial is very under-rated you know.' it's my anj. yay. little else in this world cheers me like a phone call from her. we talk, laugh, share and update each other on life. it's a good thing. she reassures me that the 'bubble' i've been living in isn't always a sign of mental illness (ha!) sometimes it's really a gift. i guess i've been living that gift for the past couple of months.

maybe it's unhealthy, maybe it's sanity - i'm not sure. i just face 'today' for what it's worth. plan for tomorrow, but not stress about it. just for today. i know though that bubble can be very dangerous for me though. life here has become pretty isolated. i keep telling myself it's part of the withdrawing from 'here' so that we can move 'there'. i'm not 'cut off', just not seeking interactions, i say... dangerous ground for my family history.

my mother, and her's before her were both very isolating. both homebodies. most people didn't see it as closely in my mother because she was so sick during the end of her short life. but looking back i can see it. both she and her mother spent much time in darkened rooms, smoking cigarettes in silence, keeping the world at arms length. alone with their thoughts. i often wonder what did they occupy their minds with all of those years. what were they thinking about? my guess is the past, because the future for both of them was so very limited.

i also need to acknowledge that bubble has come between my soul and god. and it's getting more resilient as time passes. it takes a lot to bring me back in touch with it, and with god. the things that used to move me seem tasteless and distant somehow. i can't see where i lost the thread. where it began. how i got here.

i know i'm probably angry at god. i'm not sure why, or for what. probably that familiar tune that goes something like 'hey god, we're serving you, couldn't you at least make a place for us? it's not like we're living for ourselves here, would it take any skin off your nose to make it a little easier? why does it have to be so hard?'... ugly words like that. those kind of things always bring me great shame. so avoidance makes it easier to get through the day i guess.

it's only when i read deep experiences and soulful struggles by fellow bloggers like deb, renee and bob lately that have been able to pierce through this membrane that has cut off my soul. writings like these have pastored me through the past couple of months. shepherd my soul, my dry thirsty soul. the stark occurrence of winter here has shaken the leaves off the trees and exposed how empty the wasteland i'm living in really is. everything feels so grey and lifeless as i look out the window. i miss the color, i miss the cover. i miss the ability to hide, to isolate, to be so busy that no one realizes (least of all me) how absent i am from my soul.

anj gave me such a gift last night on the phone. she told me how something i had said or written came back to her when she needed it. it also came back to me - just when i needed it too. thank you anj. so maybe the tool of denial which was working for me for a couple of months can be set aside now without heading into the chaos of worry and anxiety - but into reality and facing the truth. the cover has fallen and the starkness of winter makes things easier to find.

The Father's Love Letter

The Father's Love Letter

neritia is speaking deep truth at her blog coming down the mountain about her pain and childhood. she is so very brave.

one of the shittiest things about our finite minds is that god must illustrate himself to us in ways that we can understand, and that usually means that someone can come along and screw that up. (ie, jesus being like the body of christ - church, and god being like our father here on earth).

if our dads drop the ball, or even worse seek to harm us it tells us things about god that aren't true. identifying the lies and replacing them with the truth becomes necessary if we are ever to have intimacy with god in the way he intended.

this site is a good place to start.

i've been listening to 'life of the beloved' by henri nouwen on tape since the kids have returned to school. that is another great step i highly recommend (or reading his book, but listening to his dutch accent is precious) to help replace the lies with the truth and give us a fuller understanding of just how crazy in love he really is with us.

my psalm 23's

idelette's homework has me tied in knots. i know that was never her intention, but in trying to do this it touched an infected place in my soul. only poison came out. i kept trying and trying to be positive, profound, moving and deep, but these two subjects kept playing like a broken record in my mind.

silence is a huge theme in my life - i was silenced by the church of my youth, and it also taught that god was silent in this dispensation. his only word for me was the 'written word of god'. both of those things have had such an impact on me and my spiritual life. i know now they are both lies, but i'm having a hard time breaking through them for this effort.

so, here i sit - with two poisonous psalms. i have hesitated many times to post them, but they are honest and from my heart.

please know that god and i have reconciled much of this already, and i'm a little stumped why it's resurfacing again, but it is, so i guess i need to go with it. while i'm gone i'm writing my rejoicing psalm. if i can find an internet cafe i'll post while i'm gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the lord is silent
he does not speak

his complete word for me is in written form
this is not the dispensation for a personal god

you love david and moses and paul more than me

i thought i heard you call me, but it couldn't have
happened because you are silent
the fields are ripe for harvest and the workers are few,
but how is anyone to know if they can't hear your call

there are verses i read that seem to contradict this,
i am confused, surely there must be some mistake

you can't be that distant, that uncaring, that remote
i long to hear you speak just once

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the lord is my silencer
i shall not talk

he makes me sit quietly in church service
he doesn't care that i have anything to contribute

only males are fit to share, teach and pray

yea though i think and dream and
am educated in theology
my contribution is not necessary
your elders and deacons control me

have you called and prepared me for more than this?
you've placed a burning passion in my heart,
it is overflowing within me

surely somewhere, somehow i am meant
to use the gifts and dreams you've given me
may i be allowed to serve in
the house of the lord someday