christmas power post

good christmas eve morning!

no, i am not in a puddle in the corner of the room, honest. sorry, life has just gotten full and i am truly enjoying the holiday season and emotions. even the melancholy ones.

i am way behind in my correspondence, book reviews and blogging. please know that i am not ignoring you, but my computer has decided to crash and i have wanted to wait until after the holidays to bug our good friend here who might be able to fix it for us. i don't think it's fatal, just more than we can manage on our own.

my christmas present is on it's way - a new screen. i will take a picture and post of the ANCIENT screen i have been using - it is HUGE and cumbersome, and my new flat screen will give me lots of space on my desk to do art now too!! and i won't have to play the "oooh, let's guess what the capture is on the typepad blogs 15 times so i can post a comment..." (that has been going on for almost a year now...)

we have had fun this season using our surprise baby bonus check from the government and are putting it to good use. i think it might be a bit of coping going on, but we're not going into any debt, so i'm not going to feel guilty, well, i'm not going to let the guilty feelings stay. we're being generous with it too and have got to help out some other families in our community have a christmas too.

pink and i celebrated our first 'santa lucia day' - she did so well and was a shining light in her white gown and wreathe (we need to get a 'real one' next winter). i've included a picture of the saffron/current buns we made together. we have also decided to embrace st. nicholas day next winter as buck felt very left out of the preparations, so we are doing research and finding traditions we can embrace that will allow buck to have 'his day' like pink has her's now with st. lucy day.

i am just loving the rhythm and flow of this first christmas without ministry or moving in the way. it is simple and beautiful and we are finding the things that truly matter to us. i do miss family, even liam's family, but i think our choice to stay close to home this season has been a good one.

i promise i'll write more soon. i've put together my top 5 post and will get that up as soon as bob launches the blog. you're invited to join - and this year blog readers can join too - find the top 5 posts (from any blogger) that you've read this year and send it to bob at the corner blog and he'll add it to the list!

have a wonderful next couple of days - please know that you have made this year more rich and far more interesting for me! merry christmas!

did ya really mean it?

liam and i sat at our renovated kitchen table this morning, in our newly settled flat and were both amazed at how peaceful and content we were. it was beautiful. we were blessed to be involved in a neighbor's crisis last night (not blessed that she had to go through it, but that she came to us to help her) and we awoke this morning after a peaceful nights sleep with our children playing quietly and all seemed right with the world.

soon after buck got an invitation to a new family's house across the river. they seem like a wonderful family, people we could really be friends with. i said yes joyfully and headed off to drop him at their home... sigh.

all too soon my little flat looked measly and small. our achievements dwarfed and our belongings shabby. they moved in the same weekend we did (but from vancouver) and are renovating a great east coast rambler. 4 bathrooms, tin ceilings, sweeping staircases and rooms upon rooms, upon rooms... my contentment was quickly shattered. i found it difficult as pink and i shopped for groceries afterward to be present with her. not to be rehearsing my shame in my head.

how can what someone else has make mine less so quickly? we are debt free, have more than we need, centered in rich community and pursuing the education we always dreamed of - and yet... i could cry in my anger at myself for allowing my serenity to be stolen. we are heading there tonight for dinner - they are gracious, funny and fun - but so very far ahead of us materially. and i was just feeling really proud of the home we had created here. how fragile is that contentment? how weak are my words? how frustrated i am with myself because i have picked out the flaws in their lives already to soothe my ravaged calm.

their little boy picks his nose during church... the kitchen did smell a bit like cat pee... they've got to be in mountains of debt............... on and on i go only making myself feel worse instead of better.

i am processing here because of my deep need to be okay at dinner tonight. i want to be friends. i don't want to be that jealous 11 year old who looked at mary's life and never saw her, just all of the things she had. i want to truly be content, truly be sincere and rejoice in the life we have made here. it is just so very hard.

my pies are baking in the oven, i will wipe my tears and take my family in our broken down volvo to their lovely home and rejoice with those who rejoice. please pray that i will be sincere.

UPDATE: dinner was lovely, writing helped a lot. the edges of my pies burned - it was almost was enough to put me out - but i ate a piece and said 'we're bringing ice cream' - i didn't have any - (already had a piece of splenda pie!)

once there i realized they are just normal people with big dreams (a lot of debt) and struggling to make it like us. we had a really nice evening and he taught us how to make pizza - yummy! they also love sushi - so we're going to learn how to make it together.

so pat, what did god have to say about this??

$2M In Debt, Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition Losing Its Base... | The Huffington Post

Take Action: Speed Debt Cancellation for Poorest Countries

Urge World Bank to Remove Deadly Delays to Debt Cancellation Today!

Take Action: Speed Debt Cancellation for Poorest Countries

UPDATE: IT WORKED!! ha ha! isn't that amazing!!

i received this email this week:

Congratulations! We are happy to report that your letters to the World Bank made a difference! On Tuesday, March 28, instead of implementing a plan where impoverished countries would have to wait until July 2007 to see 100 percent debt cancellation, World Bank leaders opted for a plan that would cut the waiting time to only three months.

Your email messages to World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz and U.S. Executive Director Robert Holland made a critical difference! On March 29, 2006 Jubilee USA Network reported that tens of thousands of phone calls and email messages to World Bank President Wolfowitz, a letter from several prominent members of the U.S. Congress and support from governments and civil society across the globe led to this important reversal.

The debt agreement finalized Tuesday, March 28 will cancel 100% of debts owed to the International Monetary Fund (IMF), World Bank, and African Development Bank in 2006 for 17 resource poor countries.

reason escaped me

these past couple of weeks have been hard. not just the tides, but some storms of a financial sense have taken their toll. end of the month i guess. it feels all too familiar and i don't like it.

you see about 6-7 years ago the church we were at nearly bankrupted us. going into ministry ruined us financially. it was a very scary time. we were eating out of the food bank and buying diapers for pink and buck on credit. no one cared and we were very alone.

for the past 5 years we have determinedly crawled back out of that financial hole and became debt free, learned to save and had a steady income and lived simply and generously and within our means. i don't say any of that to pat ourselves on the back. i just need to lay a groundwork so that you might understand my fear, confusion and downright anger at god these past couple of weeks.

i truly believed we had planted seeds of generosity, that the overarching laws of the harvest would come to bear in our lives. i didn't want or even expect wealth or windfall, just not to go backwards. i truly believed in my heart of hearts that it worked. live openly and generously and it will come around if and when you need it too. moving up here was an exercise in letting go. free-cycling so much stuff that i had strangers emailing me to thank us for being generous instead of selling things. i love living like that. it is an area of gifting for me. i learned it at the knee of my father. he is one of the most generous people i know. hold things with an open hand. i wanted to be that type of person. i wanted to model that type of life for my children.

when much would not fit in the moving truck i sadly let it go. said goodbye to the oak claw foot table and press back chairs from my mom knowing, really knowing in my heart that god would supply exactly what we needed up here. that is why the junk we ended up with wounded me so deeply. it feels like lack. it feels like scarcity. it feels like poverty.

i loathe going backwards. i hate it. deep within my heart it makes me feel like i wasn't smart enough to learn it the first time so i had to have the lesson repeated for me because i didn't catch it the first time through. i pride (yes, and i have to admit, pride is the right word here) myself on extracting the truth from an experience. i ponder much. i chew and dwell and rehash nearly everything in an attempt to draw out meaning and learning. i don't want to go backwards.

this all felt far too familiar. this felt far too close to where we had been years ago. i figured if god didn't open one of the 45 doors to job postings and resumes sent that he would provide in other ways. i literally expected that somehow someone would be moved to share with us financially. someone would be moved to give so that we didn't have to go back into debt to make our bills. i would watch for the mailman, wait expectantly for that 'brethren handshake' (yes, our church tradition had a secret way of giving. someone in the church would shake another's hand and there passed folded bills or a check. it was their way of following what they believed to be the biblical way of giving. i have many times been the recipient, and even sometimes the giver of those handshakes), or some ray of light in the dark hole i could see us heading toward.

nothing came. nothing. no jobs, no checks, no handshakes. no light. and i was angry. so very angry at god. i mean spitting, swearing, wailing kind of angry. shake my fist and take my ball and go home kind of angry. and i told god. i told him how i loathed going backward. how we would gladly do any work put in front of us. how we knew his arm had not grown short. how we were living as simply as we could. freezing in 3 layers of clothing and sleeping with mittens on. what more did he want? how do you exercise any generosity, use this gift if you have nothing to give from. people in debt cannot live generously. and i wept. i confessed. i wailed and railed. and i felt like writing about it would betray my husband. like it might wound his already wounded self, so i was silent.

even among friends who called, family members didn't know how angry i was at god. how ashamed i felt for going backwards. it's not the kind of thing you can tell anyone without them feeling like you're asking. i didn't want them to provide out of guilt. i wanted god to step in and prove that living generously works. that planting seeds of a generous lifestyle reaped a life that when lived simply doesn't go backwards.

it was friday that it all crashed in on me. the bills got paid by the credit card. no miraculous interventions happened and i had to facilitate a celebration for my son who turned 8 on saturday. standing in the dollar store with my daughter so we could get buck his birthday presents and buying the 6 things i needed at the grocery store and having the cashier say 'oh, that's a credit card. i have to run the credit card through' like i had either stolen the card or was too inept to do it myself. the look she gave me was like 'charging milk are we?' i felt like trash. both stores reduced me to near puddles. if it hadn't been for pink along with me i think i would have just dropped to the floor in an ocean of keening wails.

liam and i spent some time that evening praying together on our knees at the couch. i begged god to make sense of this. to help us learn what we obviously missed the first time. to speak more clearly this time, more slowly so we could catch it. because obviously being held back in the school of kingdom finances was necessary. i'm not proud of my anger, of the words i said to god, but i do know that he can take it. i do know that my lament was necessary. i would endure this if i could just understand why. make some sense out of what seemed to me to be incredibly senseless.

yesterday before church liam and i were having our coffee. it felt like the cloud had lifted, if not financially, at least emotionally. as we were talking things started to fall into place. lights turned on and i realized that part, if not all of the reason that this was necessary was that if we are truly meant to minister in this part of the country that we need to understand first hand how difficult it is for so many of the families in our community to truly make ends meet. to find hard goods (table and chairs) and hold your head up in places like the grocery store when the world looks down on you. i was given great compassion instantly for those who have far less than i've been complaining about. and with the light came the mission. with the light came the conception of the plan. and making sense of the senseless gave me hope. and hope is all i really wanted in the first place.

state of union street

i have been blocked in my writing as of late (if the dozens of referrals to others sites and articles hasn't been enough evidence of this...)

i'm not sure exactly why. is it because i'm afraid that this life we've built here is still so fragile that having to examine things lately will shatter it to pieces? or that writing churns up emotions and emotions will cause me to feel things, and feeling things could possibly set me off into a mid-winter swirl? or is it just because i've become so co-dependent with getting liam working that i have no life of my own to write about? probably all that and more...

i have truly enjoyed the move. our new location feels like home already. we LOVE our new church and the people here are truly special. the puzzle piece of income is a bit terrifying though. we're draining the savings dry and credit looms like an option and that is truly terrifying for me (us). there is the money set aside for school in the fall - but i REALLY don't want to borrow from peter to pay paul and end up in debt for school.

my recovery has been non-existent since i dropped out of CR back at our old church. there are some groups here in the area, but as i stated above my own life has taken 2nd place to establishing a job and income for liam. i'm back in secretary mode. it's familiar and i'm good at it, but it's really unhealthy for me and i spin from that rescuer/martyr/villain mode pretty quickly these days.

i have had some amazing conversations with some of my recovery friends from my past life, and the blogosphere - and i am so grateful for that. but when it comes to actually writing things down i am at a loss for words. there is so much to tell, so much i want to write about, but the distraction of the mundane usually strips away what small motivation i have, or the creativity i need to put words onto paper.

i thought it appropriate that living on union street now i write about my state of the union - my marriage with liam has grown during this sabbatical time. i know it's a very unreal life we've been living. i am greatly in fear that it can't survive 'real life'. that when liam returns to work all of the intimacy and bonding we've done over the past six months will be a memory. a wonderful one, that can probably sustain me for awhile, but only a memory nonetheless.

one of my biggest triggers is loneliness. i fear, deep in my soul, the quiet of having the kids in school and liam at work. i know i can find a job or keep myself busy, but the temptation to isolate is strong, especially in a new community. that is a deep, deep fear.

the school has a counselor and a spiritual director on staff. i know they would meet with me (us) to deal with these fears head on. i want to be intentional, i don't want to be on the down side of a slide and have to climb back up (again). moves can be really unsettling and i have enough experience with them, and my reaction to them to know what to do - i just really have to DO IT... and that takes some asking, asking for help and asking for input. it's hard not to want to be 'all together' in this new environment. wanting to appear strong and capable, instead of wounded and needy... god help me to ask.

one of the best things we have found here is the sunshine. i truly believed that winter meant grey - i forgot how the sun can shine in winter - it is truly beautiful here. it warms the front porch of the house so nicely that even though it's not insulated it's warmer than the heated part when the sun is shining. sitting out there with a book is one of my favorite times - soaking up vitamin d and keeping that seasonal depression at bay. it's glorious.

we also haven't taken any time to really be tourists here either. we're so looking forward to poking around and seeing the sites. it really is an incredibly beautiful area. liam was doing some job searches online and came across the new brunswick motto. it is latin - spem reduxit - unfortunately i never took latin, but when i heard it translated it brought me to tears.

Hope Restored

it is a beautiful thing.

my pancake looks like jesus

heard this morning at breakfast while i was scrounging the boxes for scarves for pink and buck to wear at recess (because yes, here in the great white north children are tough - they go outside for recess when it's REALLY, REALLY COLD!):

pink: hey mom look, my pancake looks like jesus.

mom: DON'T EAT IT! (thinking we'll sell it on ebay like the grilled cheese holy mother that went for $1000's...)

pink: why - all i said was 'my pancake is in pieces'

liam and i laughed about our new careers as 'fry chefs' trying to recreate grilled cheese sandwiches with famous people on them... "hey, this one looks a tiny bit like ghandi??? how much do you think we can get for him?"

i think the 'no income' yet thing is getting to me... please pray that we can get our printer working properly so we are able to get the resumes out (and about) and generate some income. every time the furnace kicks on (and it's set really low) the specter of re-filling this oil tank looms at me.

could you also pray for us to be able to scrounge a kitchen table and chairs? we were unable to fit any chairs (or my mom's antique oak pedestal table) into the moving van and we're eating on folding chairs at a conference style table we were able to shove into the truck as an 'alternative'.

that was probably the hardest part of the move - we left so much. i can live without it, or live with replacements. i'm easy to please, but i am grieving the loss of things like a freezer, table and chairs, dressers and bookshelves. 26' trucks should just hold a lot more than they do! and we didn't even bring any appliances. i honestly don't need anything fancy as replacements - it's just hard to get organized when there isn't a dresser to put clothes into.

i keep beating myself up about grieving material possessions - i really try to hold things with open hands - it's just hard to give myself permission to be sad about junk, which most of it was - it was just my junk - most of it picked from the side of a curb and re-invented and re-used - but it worked well for us and allowed us levels of organization that we've never had. i had our home running like a well-oiled machine before we had to start packing for the move. something that has never happened in our lives before.

i think that is probably what is driving this emotion - fear - fear that organizational level will be lost to us if we don't get on top of it soon. fear of debt, that the big black hole we were able to climb out of would suck us back in again... fear that we were mistaken, that we were as insane as everyone in our last location (see i didn't use community) thought we were/are... fear that we'll have to eat our savings and not be able to do school for both of us like we've planned... fear, fear, fear... yucky, looming fear.

this is only a temporary stop on our re-settling. 6 months until we get to do it all over again. this time though we're praying that it can be a short hop to a place of stability and length - i don't know how god is going to work all of this out - but i know that he will. he didn't move us up here to bankrupt us, or to jerk us around.

elizabeth at beloved beginner blogged months ago about her parents creating 'ebenezers' from rocks their friends provided to help them remember all the way the lord had brought them as her mother bravely fights through a season of cancer. i remember the place we were in our story, just finding out about the 'sabbatical' time we were entering and the great amounts of fear we had about 'next'. i went outside to the garden and got myself a beautiful rock and wrote

"Thus far the Lord has helped us." (1 Samuel 7:12)

on the front of it and set it next to liam's bedside as a gift. we both used that rock as a touchstone during the 5 months prior to the move. I can't find it in amongst the boxes or i'd take a picture to post with this - but i know it's here - i know that even though my kitchen table and chairs are still in pennsylvania, that rock, our ebenezer has made it with us.

thus far...

thus far...

thus far...

happy is a yuppie word

i think the word happy is a weak word. wishing someone a 'happy new year' is a lot of pressure when you think about it. happiness can be so fleeting and random. joy is so much deeper and richer. happy means circumstances must all go 'my way' and feeling deep emotions will keep me from my goal, if it is indeed happiness.

i even struggle with the wording in the declaration of independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

i personally feel that the pursuit of contentment would be a much better goal. i wonder if it's having the goal and pursuit 'happiness' that brings so much ruin and disappointment to so many lives? is happiness really ever truly in our grasp? is it ever anything we truly have control over? how much less debt, depression and frustration might come if we changed our goal of happiness to something like joy, contentment and/or peace?

i even struggle with some translations of the beatitudes. 'happy are those who mourn'... really? that kind of translation smacks of delusion and rubs me the wrong way - it makes jesus sound like a sadist - like he's clueless and can't grasp how much mourning really sucks.

blessed is even a weak word. i've packed my library, so i can't quote it verbatim, but larry crabb, in the safest place on earth speaks of that word being 'an island of calm' - a place of safety where others are drawn to - i like that.

i think that's what i wish us all this year - that we can become 'islands of calm' in the sea of our communities - we can be the people that are stable and solid that others are drawn to. so, yes, may you find times of happiness this year, but may your new year be much, much more than just happy!

OptOutPrescreen.com

in keeping with the anti-credit theme i've got going on this week i wanted to give ya'll a head's up on something i've just found.

are you tired of the 100's of credit card applications sent to you monthly?? did you know you can "OPT OUT"??? i did not until today. you can opt out for 5 years, or permanently - yipee!

with moving i knew that whomever bought out home would be receiving our mail after the forwarding stops, as we receive the mail of the person who lived here over 10 years ago - tons of her credit card applications. i am afraid that the next person would use these applications to possibly hijack our credit.

so, to put an end to the millions of trees who must give their lives so that citibank can capture my non-existent credit card business and to keep my name out of the hands of others we here have opted out - now you can too:

OptOutPrescreen.com

Always Christmas for Visa?

consumer's union is petitioning congress to begin credit card reform. they have developed a great reminder for all of us during this time of temptation when wants become 'needs' so very quickly because of available credit and the deep desire to provide those we love with gifts we can't afford but long to give.

even if you aren't interested in supporting the petition take a look at the cartoon - it's a great reminder before you head out shopping this week!

It's always Christmas Time for Visa Cartoon

steps out of the money pit

i received an email while on vacation that asked if i knew any good debt counseling companies. i explained that we received debt counseling through our old church, and they used crown financial services. i told her though that i would put out a call for recommendations if you have them. please - only if you've actually used the company/ministry, or can lead her to someone who has - this is a scary time in a person's life and falling into the wrong hands can be more wounding than no help at all. just leave a comment or email me and i'll happily forward them on to her.

i also committed to writing about how we climbed out of the hole that was our financial lives.

while all of the book work and all of the advice is helpful, the best motivation is actually desperation. i'm going to give some of my history first so that things make as much sense as possible.

i grew up in a home with white-knuckle, dry alcoholics who were never taught to care for their money. my father made a good wage, but he couldn't keep up with my mom's keeping up with the joneses and money was always a source of stress and frustration in our home. i regularly remember her saying 'the checkbook doesn't balance, lets go out for dinner'... great logic, eh?

looking backward i realize that my mother had the same processing disability as i and my daughter have, and so math (and cooking) were (and are for me too) very overwhelming. this was her way of 'simplifying life'... little did she know she was training me in some very broken behaviors.

our financial counselor would say 'bobbie - just balance your checkbook!' - (he was convinced that i was the detail person of the marriage - he was right, but that coupled with my 'mad math skills' made for a lethal combination). i'd look at him and say 'if i could balance my checkbook i wouldn't be here.'

you see we were in financial counseling - but it wasn't remedial enough. we were in primary school, but i needed to go back to 'pre-school' - so i did. unfortunately i didn't have a teacher. i had to construct the most basic financial foundation possible. it works, but you've got to work it. you will not be using any computer programs for this process - this is a re-learning of the basics. yes, there are easier ways to do it, but if they worked, we'd be using them already, right? this really works. it's not easy, but it's not hard either.

Supply list:

8 1/2 x 11" printer paper
3 ring binder - make it unique, easy to spot, not bulky (no trapper keepers please!)
3-hole punch
refillable pencils w/ refillable erasers
refills
calculator
mini stapler
cardboard file folder box w/ lid

step #1 - admit that you are powerless - it works for every other kind of recovery - financial recovery is no different. 'i can't do this god, i have made a mess of things'. (follow other steps in the process - if you don't know what they are you can find them here.)

to encourage you i'll add these:

the AA promises say:

• If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
• We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
• We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
• We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
• No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
• That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
• We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
• Self-seeking will slip away.
• Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
• Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
• We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
• We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
• Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
• They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
• They will always materialize if we work for them.

(Big Book - pages 83-84)

i've bolded my favorite ones - especially that one about intuition - it's true, and really does happen. i LOVE that!

step #2 (or 13 if you're counting...) this is going to be the most difficult - but the discipline that comes from this will make you stronger and more committed to the process - consider it boot camp. you need to find out where you are in your checking account. i know that this is so hard it will make you want to quit before you've even started - but you can do it.

stop writing checks - i know it seems impossible, but it's temporary. let everything clear.

step #3 - look back over your statements and make sure that all of the numbers are in sync - with none missing. this might be hard if there are some missing and you have no record of checks written - did you void them or are they still out there?? what you need is a clear date and a clean number to start with so you can keep records from that point.

if you can't do this on your own your bank will help you with this. i know that it will take some wallowing through the shame to go to the bank with your account in hand, but they want to help you. just pray for a really helpful person and not one who wants to show you how smart she is...

find out what hasn't cleared and make a real list on a real sized piece of paper. total it if you can and minus it from what the bank says you have in your account. if you can't you still need that paper - DON'T THROW IT AWAY. punch 3 holes in it and put it into your binder.

WARNING - i know people will say 'oh just open a new account, start over' - PLEASE DON'T - easy never teaches us anything - it will be 4 months from now and you'll be in the same stew - but now with TWO disorganized checking accounts (because we never bothered to close the other one....) it's only the hard job of actually doing the work that forces us to maintain things. once we know how hard it is to get out of the hole it reminds us that we don't want to go back. monthly maintenance is easier than starting over.

the best friend you will have in this is SIMPLICITY - you are going for the most basic type of money management - one account - keep is simple.

rule #1 - you must have a paper trail. this means carbon checks - this is the ONLY way you will get out of this hole. if it was easy everybody would do it. it's not. and we aren't disciplined enough to actually write down every number in our checkbook ledger - so this is the first way to begin to give yourself that trail.

i know you'll think 'but i have all of these other checks here, it would be wasteful to throw them away'. tough, throw them away. find an online check company (don't go through your bank, they are too expensive. i have used promise checks, they don't need to be pretty, just make sure they are carbon.

rule #2 - throw away that cheap little check book holder. find an inexpensive wallet that has checkbook holder in it - you need a good large zipper pocket in it because you are going to save every piece of paper you touch. (receipts that is). (warning - don't let your partner carry the check book - putting it in a pretty wallet stops this most of the time - but if you are the person doing the work, you are the person with the checkbook).

and here is the hard part, especially if your partner has a.d.d (like liam). they MUST save them too. the only way to do this properly is to have a real paper trail, honest.

i threated liam all of the time that i'd have to take away his debit card and put him on a cash allowance if he didn't take this seriously. we've been doing this for over 2 years now - it really works.

step #4 - create a place in your home that can collect the paper - that file folder box needs to be accessible, i know it's not pretty, but neither is financial chaos. create a space and a routine that allows you to begin that paper trail.

rule #3: mail must be opened daily - remove bills and mailing envelopes, throw away original envelope and all of the junk that comes in each mailing. unfold the bills, clip the mailing envelope to it and highlight the due date. put organized bills into the file folder box too. nothing goes into the box that hasn't been opened though - i know bills are painful - but facing reality head on will get you farther than avoiding it. look at them, touch them, feel them, and feel the effect that they are having on you. it will help when you are making shopping choices to remember that feeling.

i think we'll stop here - there's lots more - i'll keep this going. i've wanted to organize this process for a long time, this is helping me to put it from 'start to finish' - as we didn't maneuver through this so cleanly. much of it was trial and error - but this is the best of what worked for us. please know i'm praying for you as you read this. you can do this.

my favorite line from a movie (and i can't wait to get it exactly right - will have to wait for the dvd) is from charlie and the chocolate factory where grandpa joe asks 'why would you let something as common as money spoil your dreams?' you are in control - money doesn't control you any longer. be brave, feel the emotions this brings to the surface - you are strong enough to feel them and get to the other side where it is safe to stand. god's peace.

catsup, ketchup, catch-up

were to start? every time i try to write about katrina and the horror that it is i am prevented by so many deep emotions, sadness, fear and anger. so much has already been said, way better than i can say it. see here. so i will pass and keep praying, feeling inadequate and so very moved.

we're still unpacking and trying to get settled in. we got some good news last night that made us both take a deep breath. it's not a sure thing yet, but some of the influential people at the church who were as blind-sided with this as we were are holding the leadership's toes to the line and telling them that liam's severance shouldn't begin until he was finished with work, so we may be receiving another month and 1/2 of grace, which would take us to february and give us a much better amount of time to figure out what we're doing here.

we're getting some really good direction on that front too. some of the 'big hoops' are looking a bit clearer. liam has lived with 'his words' he chose for the path and is comfortable/happy with them, so those will be coming today to those who agreed to help us blend them into a meaningful sentence.

last sunday i felt such a need, like a thumb in my back, to check out 'the meeting house' in oakville while we were up north. so glad we did as we got to see path participant and friend lynne (mike todd's sister) - it was wonderful to see a friendly face and it was a great church, tre laid back and it reminded us that god truly isn't done with us yet.

so i will try to answer emails between school assignments today and catch up on so much of what went on while we were gone.

i made a commitment to blog on finances and getting out of debt to a new friend, and i really want to fulfill that commitment, so look for some posts on $$ coming soon.

love you all.

AMEN!

As We Forgive Our Debtors

Now, for all its failings and its perversions over the last 2,000 years—and as much as every exponent of this faith has attempted to dodge this idea—it is unarguably the central tenet of Christianity: that everybody is equal in God's eyes. So you cannot, as a Christian, walk away from Africa. America will be judged by God if, in its plenty, it crosses the road from 23 million people suffering from HIV, the leprosy of the day.

What's up on trial here is Christianity itself. You cannot walk away from this and call yourself a Christian and sit in power. Distance does not decide who is your brother and who is not. The church is going to have to become the conscience of the free market if it's to have any meaning in this world—and stop being its apologist.

Bono

dig it?

The jubilean provision for the forgiveness of debts is central to Jesus’ teaching, even to his theological vision. The Lord’s Prayer, which sums up Jesus’ thinking about prayer, contains the following request: “Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Several versions translate this passage incorrectly as: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” In reality, the Greek opheilema means a money debt, a sum owed, in the material sense of the word. Jesus is not vaguely recommending that we forgive those who have created problems for us. No, he is instructing us to forgive sins, which includes completely canceling the debts of those who owe us money, that is, to practice the Jubilee.

The material connotation of the word “debts” in the Lord’s Prayer was so obvious that Jesus thought it fitting to add a commentary to the prayer, to explain that the words concerning the debts also applied to “trespasses” in general: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins [the term he uses here is paraptoma, or transgression], your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14–15).

Thus, the Lord’s Prayer is truly jubilean. In this context, Jesus’ listeners understood it to mean: “The time has come for God’s people to cancel all the debts that bind the poor because their debts to God have also been canceled.” Jesus was setting up a rigorous equation between practicing the Jubilee and the grace of God. Although he was not otherwise a legalist and unhesitatingly forgave even prostitutes and people of ill repute, Jesus was very strict on this one point: only he who grants forgiveness can be forgiven. God’s forgiveness toward you is in vain if you do not practice forgiveness toward others.

read the rest here.

maybe next year

click on image to enlarge

this is brilliant. i wish i would have had time to prepare our family for it this year. we're too far along to begin it now, but i think this is a concept that needs to catch on.

we're simplifying in our family, this may be drastic with young kids, we've got 12 months to decide as a family for next year, but it seems like a much better idea. it's not anti santa or super spiritual, it's just not buying into the materialism and commercialism that has run rampant in our world.

we've run a simple, credit-free christmas for the past couple of years and that is really a step toward simplifying life. i just know we're still so caught up in the craziness of it and it is stealing the joy. hmmmm... lots to ponder.


click on image to enlarge

the 'christian consumer' - part one

michael at blogin idiot (his words, not mine) left a link to one of my posts on another blog and that has gotten me some hits. curious i followed the link back to the other blogger and read with interest about a young college student, ben, earning his way through school by working at a christian bookstore. his disillusionment and angst can be found at They Will Know Us By Our T-Shirts.

he's got a great conversation going on over there about what it means to be a christian and a consumer.

a lot of my emerging effects the way i am outside the church. as my belief system restructures itself this area has been one of places where i need to process what it means to consume, how to do that ethically, responsibly and thoughtfully. this is very new to me.

while living in canada i contributed to our family income by working retail. i was never trained for retail, my dyscalculia and cash registers are a horrible mix, but i'm really good at customer service and it kept me from waiting tables.

i was given the honor of working with a brilliant jewish, south african retailer and pharmacist. i spent 6 of our years in canada in his employ. each time i mastered a position he'd invent a new one for me. i learned so much and will always be grateful for his tutelage. one of the biggest lessons i received was the value of a dollar. i'd grumble because his antique scissors were frustrating and he'd smile and say, 'but if we don't have to replace them we can spend the money elsewhere'. he wasn't cheap in the least, just very wise, and man could he celebrate. (sidebar - ooooh - i need to look at jewish culture to investigate my lost gift of celebration...)

recently our financial situation has enforced the spiritual discipline of simplicity on our household. reduce, reuse, recycle has become real for us. i am the queen of 're-use'. if it don't have to purchase it i am freed up to spend our money on other things or be generous. garbage picking and hand-me-down furniture has provided us with a cozy home and now, debt-free living. it takes a large chunk of swallowing pride, but we have been blessed greatly by voicing our need and accepting god's provision wherever he seeks to give it.

simplifying also meant finding things at their LOWEST prices. i am the queen of the cheap book. books are a way that i engage in the world of great thought, and honor myself, but i am really cheap. as i get to know real authors i am struck with the idea that if purchase a used book they make no money off of the sale. renee's book and real live preacher's book i purchased retail, and it just about killed me (but you're both worth it!). btw - that is lesson #2 - NEVER BUY RETAIL! my boss would joke that it was the 11th commandment.

i realized at that point that getting a book cheaper would take money out of their pockets. it's forced me to do some kingdom math. i think kingdom math is a good thing. i don't think that paul's shoes where made by christians (spencer burke's mantra) and so as a christ follower kingdom spending doesn't mean that we only purchase from christians.

tony jones also talked about supporting him by purchasing his book - he is published by emergent/ys - owned by zondervan, owned by harper collins, owned by rupert murdock. who are we kidding when that conservative christian mindset says 'christian retailer' usually means corporate chain (not always, i know). so how as a kingdom being do i spend our funds? how do i do kingdom math responsibly.

liam and i have been through a financial catharsis in these past 5 years. neither of us were raised in homes that had any form of financial responsibility. we're way way down on the remedial scale as far as financial intelligence goes. one of the best things we learned along the way was the truth about giving back to god what is rightfully his financially. the teaching came through a vineyard church we were frequenting after everything went south after our first swing at ministry.

it was a bit 'name it claim it' - and it took a lot of sifting to throw away the parts of that that were false and still keep the truth, but we began at that point to give back to god what was his. the teaching was based on malachi 3, about robbing god and returning the rightful amounts to the storehouse. now again, this can be used to preach a prosperity gospel, i don't believe that it's magic, but i do believe that it does unlock a lot of kingdom math in the area of finances.

i know it has for us. i thought when i started this post it would be my perspective on 'the jesus five and dime' that 'christian book stores' have become, maybe that will be part two?

enough already...

one of the lies i learned as a child of alcoholics was that there would never be enough. i don't know if it's because my parents were raised by depression era parents, but i have grown up with the fear that there will never be enough.

of anything. i literally grieve the bottom of a peanut butter jar, and conversely a new jar of peanut butter gives me great joy. (i cringe as i write this but it's the truth).

i still remember the day i was talking to my counselor and she ran to her office and offered me her closed hand. she dropped something into my outstretched hand and blessed me with these words, "there will always be enough". i looked into my open hand and saw a penny with a heart cut into it. i placed it on my key chain and use it as a reminder of that day truth replaced the lies.

there will always be enough. i don't have to hoard pot roasts in my freezer for company, i can actually make them just for my family. i think the lie of deprivation comes straight from the pit of hell.

i taught on parker palmer's book 'let your life speak' a last winter and one of the most poignant points he makes is about the effect that the theory of evolution had on western culture.

survival of the fittest became a sociological mindset - we must fight for resources, we must take care of our own - we must survive. what biology has shown us is that cells and humans both do best when they work in community. together for the same cause, instead of the concept that they are fighting for what little is left in the world.

christy's blog on power reminded me of this concept. power and control is something i both fight, and hoard. she has challenged that if we are generous with the power we have others will benefit and community will strengthen, and we won't be so concerned with the power that we don't possess.

palmer uses the metaphor of the seasons to teach us about cycles in life. it is a rich, earthy metaphor that resonates with the overarching truth of god. these are eternal laws like gravity, if we can embrace them instead of fighting them we will become much more able to participate in the community each of us truly desires.

here's a quote (it's long, but oh so worth it, really!):

"this fact of nature is in sharp contrast to human nature, which seems to regard perpetual scarcity as the law of life. daily i am astonished at how readily i believe that something i need is in short supply. if i hoard possessions, it is because i believe that there are not enough to go around. if i struggle with others over power, it is because i believe that power is limited. if i become jealous in relationships, it is because i believe that when you get too much love, i will be short changed.

even in writing this essay, i have had to struggle with the scarcity assumption. it is easy to stare at a blank page and despair of ever having another idea, another image, another illustration. it is easy to look back at what one has written and say, 'that's not very good, but i'd better keep it, because nothing better will come along.' it is difficult to trust that the pool of possibilities is bottomless, that one can keep diving in and finding more.

the irony, often tragic, is that by embracing the scarcity assumption, we create the very scarcities we fear. if i hoard material goods, others will have too little and i will never have enough. if i fight my way up the ladder of power, others will be defeated and i will never feel secure. if i get jealous of someone i love, i am likely to drive that person away. if i cling to the words i have written as if they were the last of their kind, the pool of new possibilities will surely go dry. we create scarcity by fearfully accepting it as law and by competing with others for resources as if we were stranded in the sahara at the last oasis.

in the human world abundance does not happen automatically. it is created when we have the sense to choose community. to come together to celebrate and share our common store. whether the scarce resource is money or love or power or words, the true law of life is that we generate more of whatever seems scarce by trusting its supply and passing it around. authentic abundance does not lie in secured stockpiles of food or cash or influence or affection but in belonging to a community where we can give those goods to others who need them - and receive them from others when we are in need.

i sometimes speak on college campuses about the importance of community in academic life, one of the most competitive cultures i know. on one such occasion, following my talk, a man stood in the audience, introduced himself as occupant of the 'distinguished such-and-such chair of biology,' and began what i thought - given his rather pompous self-introduction - would surely be an attack. instead, he said simply, 'of course we must learn to live in community with each other. after all, it is only good biology.' biology, the discipline that was once driven by anxious metaphors like 'survival of the fittest' and 'nature red in tooth and claw' now has a new metaphor - community. death has not ceased, of course, but now it is understood as a legacy to the community of abundant life.

here is a summertime truth: abundance is a communal act, the joint creation of an incredibly complex ecology in which each part functions on behalf of the whole and, in return, is sustainable by the whole. community doesn't just create abundance. community is abundance. if we could learn that equation from the world of nature, the human world might be transformed."

let your life speak, pages 106-108

heck, i know the church would be transformed...