Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Friday, February 22, 2008

lenten update

how i have missed my morning blogging. it seems i can't rub two real words together after noon. i have enjoyed all of the reading and other things i'm doing during that time, but my best thoughts of the day seem to coalesce first thing in the morning. this is just more of an "oh, yea, i just remembered" kind of post.

i am now officially as of last night a sponsor. i don't have a sponsor, but i was asked last night by a new friend to be her sponsor. i know the timing is right, but i am a bit overwhelmed by the idea. i read a brilliant line at 'the last chance texaco' that said something about not caring about someone else's recovery more than they do - that will help me a lot if i can keep that in the forefront of my mind.

if anyone reading has had a great sponsor or is a great sponsor and has tips, references or any reading you recommend could you please comment or email me? i would be encouraged by that greatly. i realize it is kind of like the situation i'm in with mothering. i don't/haven't had a great role model in mothering, but common sense, reading and input from mothers i respect has helped me to do a pretty good job as a mom. i have never had a "real" sponsor and still don't have anyone i could even ask right now - so modeling myself after anyone isn't possible. she's not the codependent type and we get along well already - so it won't be draining to interact with her regularly.

i just don't really know where to start...

we have a retreat coming up that 4 of us might all go to - but we're not sure if we've left it too long before deciding. hopefully that will give us all a recovery boost, help us to get to know each other better and i might even find someone who would be a possible sponsor for me. i'm tired of being a lone ranger.

my lenten commitments are going well although there are so many mornings that plopping myself down in front of this computer seem so very attractive. i am finding though that the less time i spend on the computer the less it holds sway over me.

buck has been sick and that always messes with his blood sugars, so it's not a lot of fun for him. he's such a social kid that being alone in his room seems like punishment instead of fun. we've played more games of 'crazy 8's' than i can count.

pink & buck's birthdays are coming up and we told them the other day that if there is a party it will be shared because of their friends play together anyway. the idea of planning a party doesn't hold a lot of joy for me, so i thought that maybe i could buy my way out of it. i told them last night that if they chose to forgo a big party that i would give them each $50.00 - buck looks at me and says (totally deadpan) "make it $100 and you've got a deal." even sick he's got a great sense of humor. i laughed and then he said "i'm not joking."

they both have to decide together and they can each have a friend overnight in lieu of a party, so i'm hoping that they'll take the bait. between youth group and sunday school i do a lot of planning and entertaining their friends already.

one of the things i've posted on my other blog is about "don't break the chain" - it's the discipline of choosing a commitment, marking it with a red x on your calendar and for every day you continue you keep the chain going. i have been writing every day - it doesn't have to be anything deep, moving or intelligent, most of the time it's a page in my journal before bed - but i am writing every day and so far have had 93 days. it's a fun way to create a discipline and keep it.

oh, some of you have asked what my response to my friend from bible college was. i spent a lot of time thinking/praying about it and realized that i would assume the best and if he was trying to bait me shame on him. i responded to his message on facebook by saying 'thank you so much for the questions - i love questions and they always make me think. i am really thinking so much about your questions and would love to give them real answers - so they might not come as quickly because my computer time is limited by lent, but i will answer, but i think i'll answer on my blog (the other one)' - he was grateful and i think it will be good for me to verbalize a lot of this in my own name. i have had a lot of interaction lately with people from my "old life" and so many of them are curious about my politics and faith journey now. my facebook profile is pretty shocking to those who thought that i thought just like them. especially when they come from the mindset that what they believe is right and true and everything else is scary lies you must be afraid of. i think that reminding them i am still the same person with a lot less to hide now and a much better spiritual life than i ever had when i was pretending might help blow a bit more air in the balloons of their faith and journey. and it will be good for me to articulate it for myself.

well, i've run out of things that i can remember i wanted to tell you about. hope this finds you well and enjoying your upcoming weekends! much love!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

3 great recovery quotes

got these yesterday from 'the wisdom of the rooms' and i thought they were such nuggets, too good to keep to yourself!

"The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."

"Do you want to save your ass or your face",

and finally:

Someone once said that he only needed one meeting a week, but went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

funny son

buck came up to me this a.m. while getting ready for church and said "hey mom, i know what my answering machine message is going to be when i'm in college" (forward thinking young lad!)

"Hello, you've reached Buck, please leave a message after the swear word bbbbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeppppp"

just wanted to remember this here so i don't forget.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

get offa my cloud

i have been a mixed bag lately. really wonderful times of contemplation and enjoyment and snappy, crappy attitudes usually when i'm forced to interact with any human being on the face of the earth. dang. can't everybody just leave me ALONE! it's not really that bad. i love people, just not in my space, face or vicinity...

i am choosing to withdraw from the computer before noon for the duration of lent, so that i am more able to embrace other life-giving things. like reading all of the damn books i'm supposed to for school that i have been avoiding like the plague... i finished a class yesterday as i sent in my paper - it felt so good and freed me up to begin two others. one is enjoyable, one not so much. hermeneutics. damn. i did this all 20 years ago. why do i have to do it again? this text is far more life giving than where i was 20 years ago, but it still screams BACKWARDS to me. i just need to get past it and have it done with, right? so that's on my list and i'm enjoying therese de liseaux, a story of a soul. although i do get a little tired of her naivety and indulgent childhood at times. i guess i'm just jealous. anyway - i spent a couple of solid hours with my nose in the texts this a.m. and it felt good.

then i took a shower and prepared my living room for yoga. i have had this dvd for quite some time, still in the shrink wrap - yoga for the rest of us, produced by pbs and it was wonderful. although sun salutations make me feel like i'm square-dancing in junior high and can't figure out what the hell i'm supposed to be doing and i'm three steps behind the class and getting more frustrated as each call is made. i know i will get it one day, but there has got to be an easier way for my learning skills than trying to watch the screen, see my feet, breathe (dammit i keep holding my breath!) and RELAX! other than that i loved it and can see it really bring me a lot of health and wholeness.

i know that when i am able to memorize the sun salutation poses i will enjoy them as much as the 80 year old women on the tape do - it's so cute!

i made myself a healthy lunch and enjoyed a bit more therese while i turned the heat on in the office. i opened up my facebook and found a message from a guy i went to college with and it has rattled my cage and made me want to lash out at him and all of the rest of the cave men still trapped in that ugly theology.

here's what he said:

Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

I was just kinda glancing over your profile today and noticed that your byline is " I am a storyteller of redemptive truth". Some space above it is a note to run away from people who claim to have truth. So now I'm stuck: Should I run away from you or towards you? :)

UGH! the actual quote that he is referring to is this:

"You should always follow the one who seeks truth and run away from the one who has found it". - Andre Gide

sigh. of course he could just be curious and trying to ask about emergent things without coming right out and talking about it (god forbid it makes it through the grape vine he is conversing with a heretic...) but i instantly assume he is trying to bait me and i want to launch into a defense of myself, having found my voice and a place in the kingdom where i can use it and how their small minded truth damages their souls and the souls of all who follow after them...

and i just can't shake the re-re-rehearsing i'm doing in my head about my response. i just want to blow more air into the balloon and slide the scalpel in so subtly that he doesn't even realize that he is being forced to confront thoughts spiritually that he's never, ever considered. but then i remind myself that i am not the holy spirit and it's not my job to un-convert him... and then i just want to go all feminista on his wall and vent my spleen for all of the neanderthal ways i have had to endure for decades...

breathe... breathe...

hope lent is finding you all well today... breathe...

ps - any good comebacks will be rewarded with my eternal gratitude!