so my dad is here.
since wednesday.
and in the middle of all of this i have been working like a dog to get my friend's house market ready. she moved out of town about a year ago. the bankruptcy of her husband's "flip that house dreams" and some dalliance in infidelity on her part left them ashamed and quick to move on. they should have sold their home at that time, but didn't have the heart to kick their daughter out in her last year of university in our town, so it became a bit of a frat house. no real destruction, but lots of neglect. i needed the money and had the time, and have a huge heart for their story, and when pushed to admit it still very co-dependent with her. because she is 12 hours away i thought that i could help, when it still looked much more like rescue.
anyway - i finished yesterday and was downstairs doing laundry when my dad struck up a conversation about his new favorite tv preacher. ugh. tired and already itchy from his old-time-religious language in the five days we have been together i listened quietly. then he gave me his new book, he ordered 4 copies to make sure that everyone he loved had one. i was touched, but sensing the beginnings of the allergic reaction i have to that kind of conversation. he had his back to me as i thumbed through the book quickly trying to assess what stripe of religion this man was peddling.
self-taught, proof texting, itinerant guy who wants to teach everyone how to "interpret scripture" biblically. ugh. the hives begin to crawl over my skin and i can feel my throat start to contract. must get air....
and he goes on like he's found a new best friend. he is smitten, in love, a twitter. the only thing i can do when he asks me if it's what i believe and what i learned a 'bible college' is say that i have learned over the years that when people aren't building a theology in community you can make scripture say anything you want it to say. removed from the context of accountability (tried to use his language) there is a danger that can come from being a person with that much authority and no balance of responsibility. people like that can be dangerous and that is how cults can form. i said i knew nothing of him but can see from his book that he has never learned in community and isn't within a context of people and that makes me concerned that he could be dangerous.
well that set him off. he grabbed is big old fat bible, whipped it open and shaking threw it in my face - THE verse. the biggie. see i knew you didn't take this seriously anymore. read this, how can you do the things you do, preaching now - this verse tells you you are to be silent and ask you husband if you need to know anything...blah, blah, blah...
by this time i had sat down. and i knew that i had a choice. absolutely exhausted. filthy from work, stressed by having my safe home invaded and knowing that all of the work outside of my house had left my own in need of a lot of attention. i could choose to shut down like my programming had wired me to. know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away... should have run. didn't fold.
i blasted him with both barrels - and once i got going there was NO way to stop.
i said every last thing i have wanted to say to him for 44 years. screeching, bawling, shaking my finger in his face. i was the banshee - and it felt so damn good.
"how can you who spends 23 hours a day watching television, goes to one hour of church a week, and it's even a church that doesn't even believe this shit. how can you come here and judge me, who has devoted herself to serving god since i was 13 years old? you don't know anything about me or my relationship with god. all i have ever wanted in my whole entire life is not big money, or fame or power - but just for you to once look at me and the life i live and say 'i don't get it, but i am so proud of you' - just once"
"if my preaching is a sin, then so is your judgment of me - you have no right to throw this at me, you don't live by this ugly theology and you never have - i lived every jot and tittle for 30 years of my life and you know what? it doesn't work - and you know it - you know that the house you raised me in wasn't that story book christianity you like to spew - you know that mom hated the silence even more than i did" bam, bam, bam.
it was never how i wanted it to happen, but i honestly can say that i don't regret it. i finally stood up to that man who has tried to keep my feet in those tiny, little shoes.
"YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS, you wanted a son, you never loved a daughter, you have never even honored the female parts of me that you always told me were all i had, my home, my family, my silence - you only ever acknowledged me for the male things i did, playing sports, killing animals, scraping their flesh off their bones - those were the only things you ever gave me attention for"
pink heard me 2 stories up. and i was so glad.
"for the past 10 1/2 years i have read the bible, every night before bed, 10 1/2 years! you think i wipe my butt with those pages, but i have devoted my life to those pages, it's all i have ever wanted and i am really good at it. peoples lives, even mens lives are changing because i am telling my story. in your paradigm i haven't even erred, my husband, my pastors, the leaders in my church - all of the people in the umbrella of authority i'm supposed to live my life under (his language, not mine) are inviting me to use the gifts that god has given me. they are all cheering for me - all except you - and guess what - you have given away any authority you have over my life to my husband and god loves me enough to not have me married to a cave man!"
i think i went on for about 5 straight minutes. then he looked at me, cocked his head and said "i guess you've been waiting a long time to tell me that. i think you'll sleep better tonight."
i think the volume and emotion actually cracked a bit in him that an honest conversation (like we had in oregon 2 summers ago - and i had intended to have again) wouldn't have. and it empowered me to know that i honestly really don't need his approval or support. he is a weak, small little man who i love deeply, but have given far too much power over me for far too long.
as i sat on the edge of my bed last night i remembered my word for this year - blaze. i smiled as i realized that the fire burns as it purifies.
i apologized after for the way in which i said those things and that i had wanted to hurt him for the hurt i had felt all of those years. he hugged me and told me that he tells everyone else how much he thinks of me. never could use the words, but i don't really need to hear them anymore.
i am proud of me and mom would be too.
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
the secret life of termites
so much richness in the comments of my last post. thank you. i have missed this online give and take very much.
sonja mentioned that it sounded as if one of the legs of that 4 legged stool had termites - that made me laugh out loud! god bless you sonja! we have been apart intentionally from these folks - as we all decided as a group to disband - it was the "re-banding" without us that hurt so badly. but termites is exactly the metaphor for this situation - i do feel hollowed out from this - and i know that a 3 legged stool will stand on its own - but how i long for that healthy new wood to be formed and brought into support the other three.
patchouli said ""pissed" has some power; peace has life." - peace, perfect peace. elusive peace...
i realized after typing the last post that i had taken on a new unhealthy addiction - the compulsive and obsessive thoughts around these relationships were not letting me go. writing about it took away some of their power - but it has taken a very intentional effort to not let this keep consuming me.
can i say again how very sick and tired i am of this morphing my addiction does? how unidentified it slides its way into my day like a seed into a crack and begins to innocently grow until it needs fed and watered and starts to take hold in uncomfortable places. SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS.
feed me seymour...
i am handling this like i would handle temptation to obsess about sex or food - when i realize my head is in that space i take it captive and evict it from my head. just wish i could figure out why that crack is there in the first place and spackle it up... maybe a mosaic patch would be more artistic?
anyway - i'm keeping the lights on and calling my orkin man and we're going to deal with these termites once and for all :D
sonja mentioned that it sounded as if one of the legs of that 4 legged stool had termites - that made me laugh out loud! god bless you sonja! we have been apart intentionally from these folks - as we all decided as a group to disband - it was the "re-banding" without us that hurt so badly. but termites is exactly the metaphor for this situation - i do feel hollowed out from this - and i know that a 3 legged stool will stand on its own - but how i long for that healthy new wood to be formed and brought into support the other three.
patchouli said ""pissed" has some power; peace has life." - peace, perfect peace. elusive peace...
i realized after typing the last post that i had taken on a new unhealthy addiction - the compulsive and obsessive thoughts around these relationships were not letting me go. writing about it took away some of their power - but it has taken a very intentional effort to not let this keep consuming me.
can i say again how very sick and tired i am of this morphing my addiction does? how unidentified it slides its way into my day like a seed into a crack and begins to innocently grow until it needs fed and watered and starts to take hold in uncomfortable places. SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS.
feed me seymour...
i am handling this like i would handle temptation to obsess about sex or food - when i realize my head is in that space i take it captive and evict it from my head. just wish i could figure out why that crack is there in the first place and spackle it up... maybe a mosaic patch would be more artistic?
anyway - i'm keeping the lights on and calling my orkin man and we're going to deal with these termites once and for all :D
Saturday, December 26, 2009
a beautiful picture
my friend patchouli left the nicest comment on my last post - she read between the lines of the pain and frustration i was voicing and painted this beautiful picture - it moved me deeply and i didn't want it to get lost in the comments so i am posting it here:
These are the words that I believe describe you. What a beautiful picture they paint.
"it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here"
"only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore."
"this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on"
"all is not lost"
laugh
leisure
new friendships
healthy, whole
art
creating
soothed
confidence
happy
proud
beautiful
gift to myself
embraced
possible
imagine
THANK YOU PATCHOULI - i really needed to hear my words put that way.
These are the words that I believe describe you. What a beautiful picture they paint.
"it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here"
"only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore."
"this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on"
"all is not lost"
laugh
leisure
new friendships
healthy, whole
art
creating
soothed
confidence
happy
proud
beautiful
gift to myself
embraced
possible
imagine
THANK YOU PATCHOULI - i really needed to hear my words put that way.
Monday, December 21, 2009
3 months, 6 months, 12 months...
it feels like a year since i have really written anything of note here. actually probably more like 13 months. i couldn't post that last piece without some update so that those of you who might still have my rss feed in your readers would fear that i had my own descent into madness. nothing like that, although these past few months have been more difficult than i'd care to admit.
13 months ago i began journaling every night before bed - one page - and minus one night in the hospital w/ buck when he held onto life by a very thin thread last february i have not broken the chain. it scrapes off the crud and has been the best tool i have ever used in my recovery. i am usually quite incoherent lately when i am scrawling that page, exhaustion at the end of the day depletes any real journalistic beauty - but i sit on the edge of that bed and force myself to write - and it works. i guess it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here. or maybe it's gotten me to a deeper place where even an anonymous blog is too open to air my life? i'm not sure - only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore.
buying our home was a true high point this year, but dealing with trades and finances has been brutal. it has only been in the past few weeks that we have had any semblance of normal back. many of the weeks/months were marked by much fear and anxiety as neither liam or i are from financial backgrounds that had any stability or training. this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on.
living without finances, food or alcohol to ease the pain and fear is a very ragged place at times. our margins wear thin quickly and the edges cut and bruise easily. i had fallen into a strange codependence with a couple and was the buffer for their relationship. it got weirder and uglier and i was so enmeshed into their lives very little of my own was being lived. i guess i take my addictions where i can when limiting my regular options. the pain was just too real to bear alone... that is gone now too and the bleakness of the longest day of the year presses in on me.
looking so forward to the days getting longer, even though winter must be weathered in the midst of this personal storm.
but all is not lost. we four laugh and leisure well together. living far from extended family is difficult during the holidays though. community has crumbled as i stepped away from the codependency and while new friendships and interactions are arising to take their place in healthy, whole ways the vacuum is still quite real and present and sitting with it today brings tears and grief.
i have been pouring myself into art and creating these past couple months. it has soothed my soul on the days where nothing else could or would. i am awakening an artist within and finding beauty and long lost confidence amidst the lies and tapes of old. i am ready for the holiday preparations to be over so that i can return to my paints, markers and pencils. i created two gifts for my children and i am so happy with them. they are framed and finished and beautiful. i also made a gift for myself with mixed media - an old forgotten 1/2 painted dollar store canvas, a favorite christmas card saved, rhinestones, vintage letter stickers and acrylics turned into a dark, moody holiday painting that i am truly proud of. it was a gift to myself for st. lucia day.
i never imagined that my word for 2009 would end up being about lack instead of abundance, but thriving even amidst the famine is truly where thriving becomes thriving. i have embraced that word this year in thought and deed, and although friends are few and far between i am finding that thriving in solitude is more possible than i had ever imagined.
13 months ago i began journaling every night before bed - one page - and minus one night in the hospital w/ buck when he held onto life by a very thin thread last february i have not broken the chain. it scrapes off the crud and has been the best tool i have ever used in my recovery. i am usually quite incoherent lately when i am scrawling that page, exhaustion at the end of the day depletes any real journalistic beauty - but i sit on the edge of that bed and force myself to write - and it works. i guess it's taken away a lot of the need i had to vent here. or maybe it's gotten me to a deeper place where even an anonymous blog is too open to air my life? i'm not sure - only know that this place rarely feels like home anymore.
buying our home was a true high point this year, but dealing with trades and finances has been brutal. it has only been in the past few weeks that we have had any semblance of normal back. many of the weeks/months were marked by much fear and anxiety as neither liam or i are from financial backgrounds that had any stability or training. this is new ground for us and we are growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves in new ways, but but it can be terrifying at times and we have few crutches left in our lives to lean on.
living without finances, food or alcohol to ease the pain and fear is a very ragged place at times. our margins wear thin quickly and the edges cut and bruise easily. i had fallen into a strange codependence with a couple and was the buffer for their relationship. it got weirder and uglier and i was so enmeshed into their lives very little of my own was being lived. i guess i take my addictions where i can when limiting my regular options. the pain was just too real to bear alone... that is gone now too and the bleakness of the longest day of the year presses in on me.
looking so forward to the days getting longer, even though winter must be weathered in the midst of this personal storm.
but all is not lost. we four laugh and leisure well together. living far from extended family is difficult during the holidays though. community has crumbled as i stepped away from the codependency and while new friendships and interactions are arising to take their place in healthy, whole ways the vacuum is still quite real and present and sitting with it today brings tears and grief.
i have been pouring myself into art and creating these past couple months. it has soothed my soul on the days where nothing else could or would. i am awakening an artist within and finding beauty and long lost confidence amidst the lies and tapes of old. i am ready for the holiday preparations to be over so that i can return to my paints, markers and pencils. i created two gifts for my children and i am so happy with them. they are framed and finished and beautiful. i also made a gift for myself with mixed media - an old forgotten 1/2 painted dollar store canvas, a favorite christmas card saved, rhinestones, vintage letter stickers and acrylics turned into a dark, moody holiday painting that i am truly proud of. it was a gift to myself for st. lucia day.
i never imagined that my word for 2009 would end up being about lack instead of abundance, but thriving even amidst the famine is truly where thriving becomes thriving. i have embraced that word this year in thought and deed, and although friends are few and far between i am finding that thriving in solitude is more possible than i had ever imagined.
Monday, June 29, 2009
we buy a home today
i have been horrible at blogging lately. i mentioned on my other blog that i didn't want to have to blog the heartbreak of not getting our house in case it fell through.
well, that also left out documenting the process if it didn't - and it didn't, or did, anyway - it's real. we bought an 85 year old craftsman bungalow that we adore and can't wait to move into.
it's been a glorious process, everything we needed was at hand - it's a beautiful story of redemption and i really want to take the time to document it. i've been journaling the process, but i need to flesh it out.
we've been given $ for a reno of the kitchen too, so we won't be moving in right away. we've got all of july to fix it up, paint, prettify and move. i couldn't be more excited.
it's been 14 years since we have had a home to call our own.
i have blogged more details on my other blog - leave comment if you don't know where that is and i'll contact you with the url.
thanks for celebrating with us. couldn't have done it without you.
well, that also left out documenting the process if it didn't - and it didn't, or did, anyway - it's real. we bought an 85 year old craftsman bungalow that we adore and can't wait to move into.
it's been a glorious process, everything we needed was at hand - it's a beautiful story of redemption and i really want to take the time to document it. i've been journaling the process, but i need to flesh it out.
we've been given $ for a reno of the kitchen too, so we won't be moving in right away. we've got all of july to fix it up, paint, prettify and move. i couldn't be more excited.
it's been 14 years since we have had a home to call our own.
i have blogged more details on my other blog - leave comment if you don't know where that is and i'll contact you with the url.
thanks for celebrating with us. couldn't have done it without you.
Monday, June 08, 2009
frozen by thinking
okay - have identified a major character defect in my life - too much thinking. not enough doing. damn. s.o. s.i.c.k. o.f. i.t.
we have looked at MORE HOUSE than anyone in the history of this little burg - and because i don't have a deadline i can't act. i keep saying 'maybe something else will shake loose' or 'this one just isn't it' or 'i don't have peace' - but mostly it's just that i think too much and do too little.
HATE IT!
we're walking to see a privately listed house tonight - i'm too ashamed to call my realtor to re-see the two that i'm THINKING about now... i've wasted so much of his time. he's a great guy, and so helpful - but i'm pushing the edges of his patience, i can tell...
i told him i was going to come down to his office to do some filing or something... i know it's his job - oh well. i have made a ton of progress on my step 4 by NOT THINKING about it and just doing it - so small victories i guess.
just tired of being frozen.
we have looked at MORE HOUSE than anyone in the history of this little burg - and because i don't have a deadline i can't act. i keep saying 'maybe something else will shake loose' or 'this one just isn't it' or 'i don't have peace' - but mostly it's just that i think too much and do too little.
HATE IT!
we're walking to see a privately listed house tonight - i'm too ashamed to call my realtor to re-see the two that i'm THINKING about now... i've wasted so much of his time. he's a great guy, and so helpful - but i'm pushing the edges of his patience, i can tell...
i told him i was going to come down to his office to do some filing or something... i know it's his job - oh well. i have made a ton of progress on my step 4 by NOT THINKING about it and just doing it - so small victories i guess.
just tired of being frozen.
Monday, May 25, 2009
happy blogiversary to me...
i have ALWAYS forgotten my blogiversary and wanted to make sure i didn't this year. emerging sideways is five years old now and i can hardly believe it. this place has been a wonderful tool that opened up the world for me when i needed it most.
the greatest gift it has been was showing me that i wasn't alone. i have always felt so unique (and not in a good way) and the beauty of the internet is that it explodes the world by drawing it closer together. blogging is a self-sorting endeavor. readers stay around if they resonate with what you write, and that usually means you are kindred spirits on some level. finding kindred spirits has changed my life forever.
thank you.
i have not needed this blog as much lately as i used to and have even debated deleting it at times. and that may still happen one day, but for today i am going to celebrate five years of pouring out my heart and soul and trying on new ideas and thinking through life and working my program. five very good years.
image of three very good gifts blogging has brought me - erin @ biscotti brain, deb @ abiding and the non-blogging but still ultra wonderful lynne (mike todd's sister, who i met blogging)
the greatest gift it has been was showing me that i wasn't alone. i have always felt so unique (and not in a good way) and the beauty of the internet is that it explodes the world by drawing it closer together. blogging is a self-sorting endeavor. readers stay around if they resonate with what you write, and that usually means you are kindred spirits on some level. finding kindred spirits has changed my life forever.
thank you.
i have not needed this blog as much lately as i used to and have even debated deleting it at times. and that may still happen one day, but for today i am going to celebrate five years of pouring out my heart and soul and trying on new ideas and thinking through life and working my program. five very good years.
image of three very good gifts blogging has brought me - erin @ biscotti brain, deb @ abiding and the non-blogging but still ultra wonderful lynne (mike todd's sister, who i met blogging)
Monday, April 27, 2009
the peace of a closed door
found out early friday saturday that the woman who originally offered on the house met her conditions. after i went through friday with a very experienced carpenter i was actually relieved. he helped me to understand that some of the repairs, if they uncovered problems could easily extend the house well past it's possible equity and far beyond our limited resources.
i was surprised at how okay i was with the info. reaching and hoping doesn't mean i turn off my brain - just that i risk and stretch. thanks so much for the sweet comments on the last post. nice to know that my absence at blogging didn't mean a loss of my favorite readers. but it did mean the loss of my memory to actually check in to see the comments :p aging brains are for the birds...
what was really cool that came from this experience is that i am no longer afraid to ask for help from people like carpenters and builders and the local man who has been shepherding us through this process has been so affirming of my abilities to handle these men. i had asked him to be the general contractor if we ever got the house - and he assured me that i was up to the job and that he'd stand behind me and coach me if it ever came to an incidence where i felt bullied or over my head.
the other cool thing was that we realized that we really liked the new, modern feel that this house had because of the interior renos - things we might not have ever done for ourselves as we can tend toward the "good enough, and that'll do" side of things. we realized that there are other fix-ups out there - and we just need to find one with some good bones to start with. amazing what a bit of stretching will do a for a soul.
i was surprised at how okay i was with the info. reaching and hoping doesn't mean i turn off my brain - just that i risk and stretch. thanks so much for the sweet comments on the last post. nice to know that my absence at blogging didn't mean a loss of my favorite readers. but it did mean the loss of my memory to actually check in to see the comments :p aging brains are for the birds...
what was really cool that came from this experience is that i am no longer afraid to ask for help from people like carpenters and builders and the local man who has been shepherding us through this process has been so affirming of my abilities to handle these men. i had asked him to be the general contractor if we ever got the house - and he assured me that i was up to the job and that he'd stand behind me and coach me if it ever came to an incidence where i felt bullied or over my head.
the other cool thing was that we realized that we really liked the new, modern feel that this house had because of the interior renos - things we might not have ever done for ourselves as we can tend toward the "good enough, and that'll do" side of things. we realized that there are other fix-ups out there - and we just need to find one with some good bones to start with. amazing what a bit of stretching will do a for a soul.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
miles and miles have passed
i can't even remember the last time i have sat down to really blog. life has become so full, in a good way, but it has kept me from this thing that i love called blogging. i was emailing with erin (biscotti brain) and told her that in the last 24 hours i feel like i've given birth to myself.
on friday i found out that the university i attend was looking for a kind of dean of students/chaplain position and both liam and a good friend encouraged me to apply. i know they have some internal people applying for the job, and they will most likely have a much better chance, but i knew that my gifts were a good fit for this position and that the process would be helpful for me. i realized also that i have not done a resume for myself in 20 years! 20 years! i have not been paid to work (except casually for projects) in since i had kids and our daughter just turned 13. previous to that i worked for the same employer for 6 years. needless to say it was an effort to turn all of the volunteer work i have done into a career.
some good friends held space for me and challenged me and gave me the much needed push to put this together and yesterday i faxed it off to the president of the school and felt a mental exhaustion very similar to the physical exhaustion i had after giving birth to my kids. i know that this was part of the "thrive" process and i think that april 20th, 2009 was a birthing day for me.
yesterday we put in an offer on the home of our dreams (needs lots of work, so there might be a few nightmares before the actual dreaminess happens), applied for a mortgage and i applied for TWO jobs! after i sent off the resume i was blog reading and one of the gadget blogs i read is looking for an editor. i could do that job for free (don't tell them) because i would enjoy it so much, and even sending off the email was fun. don't know if any or all of these doors will open, but being willing to risk was so important.
the house we had been waiting for (it was a bankruptcy of a failed flip by one of our good friends) finally went on the market last week, but i couldn't move forward on it because i truly believed in my heart that i did not deserve to live in such a grand home. one of my best friends here was furious with me for thinking that way. when we went to move forward we found out that there was an accepted offer already on the house. i was crestfallen. i tought it was another couple from our church who i knew was looking too. i was at least happy that we were going to "keep it in the family". our broker though encouraged us to still bring our carpenter on site and put a bid together in case it fell through.
while standing across the street with my broker and carpenter a van drove up and a woman got out. turned out she was the lady who had the offer in - and she is a known quantity in the community. i was upset that it was not my friends who"won". i had met her casually years previous at her garage sale where she proceeded to tell me (a complete stranger) about her husband's nervous breakdown. i know if i skeedaddled she would give way more information to "my guys" there after i left.
i spoke with my broker later and he said that she (unasked) gave the information that she was having trouble with funding - so he said GET DOWN HERE MONDAY A.M. and we'll put the offer in... we did and while there may be others that offer that we know nothing about we have most likely the least unemcumbered offer of the bunch. we probably won't hear until later in the week as banks are very slow moving (as we know from waiting about 8 months for them to get the house on the market).
i realized after my friend was so furious with me that i had stopped reaching. stopped hoping. i had thought that contentment meant "making do" - and while there is something healthy in that, there can be a lot of broken too. i was content, and i was not "hope-less", but i was not hoping any more. i was not reaching. i was living in fear of disappointment. i told erin that in the 12 hours following i realized that i truly was strong enough to hope again. i was strong enough to have what i dreamed of, and strong enough to bear the disappointment of not getting what i was reaching for - but that it was the reaching that was the important part. so i have begun dreaming again.
so yesterday i felt like i grew up, stretched out my arms and said HERE I AM. as i finished my journal writing last night i wrote with a smile "I'm thriving! I'm thriving!" we'll possibly see how thriving and disappointment can go hand in hand next week... sigh. no risk, no chance, no hope. i want to live with hope, and i am strong enough to be disappointed.
on friday i found out that the university i attend was looking for a kind of dean of students/chaplain position and both liam and a good friend encouraged me to apply. i know they have some internal people applying for the job, and they will most likely have a much better chance, but i knew that my gifts were a good fit for this position and that the process would be helpful for me. i realized also that i have not done a resume for myself in 20 years! 20 years! i have not been paid to work (except casually for projects) in since i had kids and our daughter just turned 13. previous to that i worked for the same employer for 6 years. needless to say it was an effort to turn all of the volunteer work i have done into a career.
some good friends held space for me and challenged me and gave me the much needed push to put this together and yesterday i faxed it off to the president of the school and felt a mental exhaustion very similar to the physical exhaustion i had after giving birth to my kids. i know that this was part of the "thrive" process and i think that april 20th, 2009 was a birthing day for me.
yesterday we put in an offer on the home of our dreams (needs lots of work, so there might be a few nightmares before the actual dreaminess happens), applied for a mortgage and i applied for TWO jobs! after i sent off the resume i was blog reading and one of the gadget blogs i read is looking for an editor. i could do that job for free (don't tell them) because i would enjoy it so much, and even sending off the email was fun. don't know if any or all of these doors will open, but being willing to risk was so important.
the house we had been waiting for (it was a bankruptcy of a failed flip by one of our good friends) finally went on the market last week, but i couldn't move forward on it because i truly believed in my heart that i did not deserve to live in such a grand home. one of my best friends here was furious with me for thinking that way. when we went to move forward we found out that there was an accepted offer already on the house. i was crestfallen. i tought it was another couple from our church who i knew was looking too. i was at least happy that we were going to "keep it in the family". our broker though encouraged us to still bring our carpenter on site and put a bid together in case it fell through.
while standing across the street with my broker and carpenter a van drove up and a woman got out. turned out she was the lady who had the offer in - and she is a known quantity in the community. i was upset that it was not my friends who"won". i had met her casually years previous at her garage sale where she proceeded to tell me (a complete stranger) about her husband's nervous breakdown. i know if i skeedaddled she would give way more information to "my guys" there after i left.
i spoke with my broker later and he said that she (unasked) gave the information that she was having trouble with funding - so he said GET DOWN HERE MONDAY A.M. and we'll put the offer in... we did and while there may be others that offer that we know nothing about we have most likely the least unemcumbered offer of the bunch. we probably won't hear until later in the week as banks are very slow moving (as we know from waiting about 8 months for them to get the house on the market).
i realized after my friend was so furious with me that i had stopped reaching. stopped hoping. i had thought that contentment meant "making do" - and while there is something healthy in that, there can be a lot of broken too. i was content, and i was not "hope-less", but i was not hoping any more. i was not reaching. i was living in fear of disappointment. i told erin that in the 12 hours following i realized that i truly was strong enough to hope again. i was strong enough to have what i dreamed of, and strong enough to bear the disappointment of not getting what i was reaching for - but that it was the reaching that was the important part. so i have begun dreaming again.
so yesterday i felt like i grew up, stretched out my arms and said HERE I AM. as i finished my journal writing last night i wrote with a smile "I'm thriving! I'm thriving!" we'll possibly see how thriving and disappointment can go hand in hand next week... sigh. no risk, no chance, no hope. i want to live with hope, and i am strong enough to be disappointed.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
update on buck
i realized after ang left a comment that some people might not be on facebook where we've been placing most of the updates on buck. holding my breath as i type this, but he might actually be coming home TODAY. unbelievable.
his primary care doctors, the pediatrician and surgeon have both gone south for spring break and the plan of care they left seems to indicate that if his chest x-ray and CBC today pass muster and the extramural nurse is in place buck can head home today with a pump for his antibiotic. he will keep the picc line and they will be able to continue to draw blood there instead of him having to keep getting poked about.
throughout this his t1 diabetes has been the least of our worries. his bsl's and insulin doses have maintained consistent through this and it's almost been a t1 vacation of sorts - very little carb counting and for much of the time he was even on an insulin drip that they had honed to a science.
i have been up since 5:00 - pink has been sick with a head cold/cough/throat thingy so disinfecting everything was probably a good idea. keeping house hasn't been top on my list or liam's during this survival mode we've been operating in.
i floated around yesterday in space - got groceries and wandered the aisles of a couple stores. it feels surreal to not be constantly on alert - regularly engaged in the care and keeping of the other. it is a mode i function in well - and have a difficult time stopping. i don't know what this next week will look like. the kids are also on march break, so we will have a gentle re-entry. unfortunately the week after all three of us go back to school as my intensive begins monday - i have the easy stuff out of the way - it's the deep things i have left - and weeding through that with the kids home next week won't be the easiest - but i will manage.
i am looking forward to having two stimulating weeks for me though - i just wish i had a wife to take care of all of the stuff that needs to be done! dang.
his primary care doctors, the pediatrician and surgeon have both gone south for spring break and the plan of care they left seems to indicate that if his chest x-ray and CBC today pass muster and the extramural nurse is in place buck can head home today with a pump for his antibiotic. he will keep the picc line and they will be able to continue to draw blood there instead of him having to keep getting poked about.
throughout this his t1 diabetes has been the least of our worries. his bsl's and insulin doses have maintained consistent through this and it's almost been a t1 vacation of sorts - very little carb counting and for much of the time he was even on an insulin drip that they had honed to a science.
i have been up since 5:00 - pink has been sick with a head cold/cough/throat thingy so disinfecting everything was probably a good idea. keeping house hasn't been top on my list or liam's during this survival mode we've been operating in.
i floated around yesterday in space - got groceries and wandered the aisles of a couple stores. it feels surreal to not be constantly on alert - regularly engaged in the care and keeping of the other. it is a mode i function in well - and have a difficult time stopping. i don't know what this next week will look like. the kids are also on march break, so we will have a gentle re-entry. unfortunately the week after all three of us go back to school as my intensive begins monday - i have the easy stuff out of the way - it's the deep things i have left - and weeding through that with the kids home next week won't be the easiest - but i will manage.
i am looking forward to having two stimulating weeks for me though - i just wish i had a wife to take care of all of the stuff that needs to be done! dang.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
f@%k lent
most of you know that i casually keep the church calendar and have made quite a point about lent these past few years. maundy tuesday caught me totally off guard - i was in line at the hospital caf and saw they were serving pancakes and just about cried. no ash wednesday, no planning, no praying, no intentional marking of these precious 40 days. i felt ashamed, guilty and frustrated. how could i have lost something so big. i joke that every year christmas sneaks up on my mother in law. like it floats around on the calendar like easter and she just can't seem to remember when it is.
that's how i felt with lent this year. i see so many delving deep on their blogs and i can't even read their beautiful lenten thoughts.
fuck the desert. i'm sick and tired of the damn desert.
i switched with liam yesterday to come home and collect myself for the weekend. there was a wonderful email from erin:
"Looks like Lent came early for you this year. I don't know that anyone would choose to give up their family (in that way) for so long, but it feels from here like some desert wandering."
it's exactly how i feel. (thank you erin). winter is kicking my ass and so is this hospital stay. i finally breathed fresh air yesterday (for the first time in a week) when i walked to the parking lot to head home. i'm wiped out. we just keep getting creamed by bad news and i'm sick of it - i'm sick of the pressure people around me put on me unknowingly for me to have some good news for them because they're praying so hard and their faith in god hinges on the health of my son. fuck the desert.
we were told yesterday that he could go home with an antibiotic pump on monday if he was fever free for 72 hours. we had made it 24. by yesterday at 2:00 when he spiked a fever we were both a puddle of tears. so much pressure on a 10 year old boy who wants to be home by his 11th birthday wednesday. fuck. fuck. fuck.
what could live in his body after all of the mass spectrum antibiotic to cause a fever after this just terrifies me. he has nothing left to fight with and neither do i. his spine is poking out his back like a baby dragon that has just hatched from an egg. my precious, vibrant, beautiful son has been reduced to an ashen, waxy, hunched over boy who is so tired of being a specimin that other people crowd around to poke, examine and talk about like he wasn't even there. i see him withdrawing and it frightens me. i am so damn scared.
i have a wonderful friend who tells me that the railing i am doing at god is precious to him - it shows how much faith i have. i just need spring, new creation and green right now. life, beauty, color. everything feels so grey. so i am taking in beauty, color and life for lent. fuck the desert. ya'll can nest there if you want to - but i've given up enough right now and i just can't spare any more.
that's how i felt with lent this year. i see so many delving deep on their blogs and i can't even read their beautiful lenten thoughts.
fuck the desert. i'm sick and tired of the damn desert.
i switched with liam yesterday to come home and collect myself for the weekend. there was a wonderful email from erin:
"Looks like Lent came early for you this year. I don't know that anyone would choose to give up their family (in that way) for so long, but it feels from here like some desert wandering."
it's exactly how i feel. (thank you erin). winter is kicking my ass and so is this hospital stay. i finally breathed fresh air yesterday (for the first time in a week) when i walked to the parking lot to head home. i'm wiped out. we just keep getting creamed by bad news and i'm sick of it - i'm sick of the pressure people around me put on me unknowingly for me to have some good news for them because they're praying so hard and their faith in god hinges on the health of my son. fuck the desert.
we were told yesterday that he could go home with an antibiotic pump on monday if he was fever free for 72 hours. we had made it 24. by yesterday at 2:00 when he spiked a fever we were both a puddle of tears. so much pressure on a 10 year old boy who wants to be home by his 11th birthday wednesday. fuck. fuck. fuck.
what could live in his body after all of the mass spectrum antibiotic to cause a fever after this just terrifies me. he has nothing left to fight with and neither do i. his spine is poking out his back like a baby dragon that has just hatched from an egg. my precious, vibrant, beautiful son has been reduced to an ashen, waxy, hunched over boy who is so tired of being a specimin that other people crowd around to poke, examine and talk about like he wasn't even there. i see him withdrawing and it frightens me. i am so damn scared.
i have a wonderful friend who tells me that the railing i am doing at god is precious to him - it shows how much faith i have. i just need spring, new creation and green right now. life, beauty, color. everything feels so grey. so i am taking in beauty, color and life for lent. fuck the desert. ya'll can nest there if you want to - but i've given up enough right now and i just can't spare any more.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
clarity
ah the return of serenity is such a beautiful thing. why do i ever give it away?
i don't have a ton of time to tell you everything that has been happening since my last post - but purging that all out here was what i really needed. i was able to step back and look at it again and find the areas that were true, and the areas that i was truly being graceless about.
grace is such a beautiful thing.
stepping out of the shame and away from the addictive behaviour was also life giving. funny thing is that much of what was going on had little to do with the relationship - but so much to do with my compulsion to avoid what i needed to be working on. i was so enmeshed (thanks pen) in other peoples stories because i wanted to avoid my own.
i am working on fear in my step 4 and have class assignments dealing with grief and suffering - i was trying to avoid them like the plague - and once i realized it, admitted my powerlessness and started working my program again god met me in such an incredible way. i may blog about it, but it was one of the high points of my walk with god.
funny thing is that the rush addiction that i was getting from this was so similar to any of my other compulsive behaviors - once i saw it and asked for help the clarity that came after was so priceless that i realized that it had little to do w/ the cgf and far more to do with the walls i had placed around myself out of fear that god would not be trustworthy enough to meet my needs.
i have to go - wish i could pour it all out here - i just wanted to thank you for praying, encouraging, pushing and caring about me and my journey. have a lovely sunday!
i don't have a ton of time to tell you everything that has been happening since my last post - but purging that all out here was what i really needed. i was able to step back and look at it again and find the areas that were true, and the areas that i was truly being graceless about.
grace is such a beautiful thing.
stepping out of the shame and away from the addictive behaviour was also life giving. funny thing is that much of what was going on had little to do with the relationship - but so much to do with my compulsion to avoid what i needed to be working on. i was so enmeshed (thanks pen) in other peoples stories because i wanted to avoid my own.
i am working on fear in my step 4 and have class assignments dealing with grief and suffering - i was trying to avoid them like the plague - and once i realized it, admitted my powerlessness and started working my program again god met me in such an incredible way. i may blog about it, but it was one of the high points of my walk with god.
funny thing is that the rush addiction that i was getting from this was so similar to any of my other compulsive behaviors - once i saw it and asked for help the clarity that came after was so priceless that i realized that it had little to do w/ the cgf and far more to do with the walls i had placed around myself out of fear that god would not be trustworthy enough to meet my needs.
i have to go - wish i could pour it all out here - i just wanted to thank you for praying, encouraging, pushing and caring about me and my journey. have a lovely sunday!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
word for 2009 :thrive:
i have been praying for a word for 2009 the past month. a few weeks ago my blogger friend, the onion boy, owen had surgery and i checked up on him on facebook and saw his signature word :thrive: there. i thought "oh that's such a beautiful word - maybe that could be my word for this year"... then that little critical voice in my head said "oh sure, pick a nice, easy word - who doesn't want to thrive? isn't that a bit selfish of a word for the year? maybe your word should have something to do with hard work instead of something easy?" ah the critical voice, so painful and crushing, eh?so i set the word aside waiting for another. it kept circling back in my thoughts. thrive... thrive... i really liked it, but again it felt selfish.
another facebook friend had posted that she was thinking about her word for the year in her update and i commented that thrive was whirling through my head, but i hadn't really had enough confirmation to pick it yet. after posting that i sat down with the novel i am reading "The Bean Trees" by Barbara Kingsolver and came upon the chapter where she takes Turtle to the doctor - the term "failure to thrive" appeared 3x in that chapter. it was enough of a confirmation that this was the word, failing another pressing itself into my world, for 2009.
we stayed home and played hooky from church today. i had purchased liam 'praying in color' for christmas and we took time today to make art and pray in color as a family. it was a beautiful time.
this has been a season of loss in my family. one of my cousins dropped dead of a massive heart attack last week, and another is struggling for life in the hospital as i type (unless he passed mercifully last night). both are/were only 50ish. neither had shown any signs of sickness. my art page had the name of my cousin and his mom (my favorite aunt) and images surrounding their names that were meaningful to me.
after we finished our pieces i was still feeling artsy (and liam had included his possible word for 2009 on his art) so i thought to make a page featuring "thrive". i got a bit stumped on the art front and headed toward the word front and looked up THRIVE at thesaurus.com:
Main Entry: thrive
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: do well
Synonyms: advance, arrive, batten, bear fruit, bloom, blossom, boom, burgeon, develop, flourish, get ahead*, get fat, get on*, get places, get there, grow, grow rich, increase, make a go, mushroom*, progress, prosper, radiate, rise, score*, shine, shoot up, succeed, turn out well, wax
Antonyms: decline, fail, languish, lose
(the "get fat" one made me laugh out loud! i plan on that being only a metaphor for the fatness of my soul!)
these past years have been about establishing a good root system that can sustain this "thriving" - maybe this year can be about what grows from that?
thank you owen - i hope you don't mind me borrowing your word! :D
image source
Thursday, December 18, 2008
like i could be a tower
amy at pretty shiny has given me such a glorious compliment and the lyrics to a song that is making me float this morning. i wrote below about st. lucy day and how badly i long to be a light bearer into my community. i really got to do that on saturday night. we had such a wonderful time at the party - and there was so much laughter and joy. it was fun to have had a vision for this, put it together with my friends and blessed our community with a really fun night out.
the song amy gave me was "suddenly i see" by kt tunstall. i had heard it in stores, or on tv, but i've never really listened to it before and it's one of those songs that is so catchy and fun. this morning i looked at the lyrics and found in those words the woman that i long to be and am slowly becoming.
my word for 2008 was "complete" - it was a strange word and i've sat with it throughout the year wondering what god wanted me to learn from it. it has an element of "done-ness" to it that i don't think will ever play into my life - i am recovering, not recovered. but there is a whole-ness that word speaks of and i have come to feel it this past year. like the pieces of me have shifted in a way that closes the gap in some of those severely broken places. i am no longer ashamed to be a woman. i am living in my skin for the first time i can remember. i feel like myself. i know that sounds strange, but last weekend was the first time i was really myself - not projecting or protecting - just me, complete. not completed, just complete.
the lyrics touch some really personal places for me. the first line of the song,
redeems something beautiful for me. i have a desperate case of rosacea, it has been complicated by an undiagnosed allergy for 20 years of my life. i had no idea that i was allergic to non-steroidal antiinflammatories and took asprin & advil for 20 years and got horrific hives all over my face. this caused me so much shame and discomfort. the gp i saw told me to use hydrocortisone cream - never realizing that it was chronic for me and that i'd use it so often (too often), and the steroid thinned my skin - so i literally have a "road map" all over my face. it was magnified after i delivered my babies and my dermatologist said that my "flush & blush" reflex has failed and the capillaries have just blushed once too often don't close down like they should anymore.
it is one of those things that caused me so much distress. i finally have to come to the place where i accept it. i have good makeup, but it's not perfect. but it is who i am, and i hope that my eyes have enough light in them that people notice my eyes and not my scars. i want to carry myself like the song says (sans the magazine page):
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
the power to be, to give and to see - what a prayer. god, not only grant me serenity, but the power to be, to give and to see.
i love that the first verse speaks of seeing her - and the second about hearing her - this isn't just about looks, it's about being. complete. like i could be a tower - inside and out.
one of the videos for the song has kt tunstall singing to herself on the stage - knowing that the woman she sees is her complete self. this is why it means so much to me.
Here's the video amy sent me (and the lyrics follow)
Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
the song amy gave me was "suddenly i see" by kt tunstall. i had heard it in stores, or on tv, but i've never really listened to it before and it's one of those songs that is so catchy and fun. this morning i looked at the lyrics and found in those words the woman that i long to be and am slowly becoming.
my word for 2008 was "complete" - it was a strange word and i've sat with it throughout the year wondering what god wanted me to learn from it. it has an element of "done-ness" to it that i don't think will ever play into my life - i am recovering, not recovered. but there is a whole-ness that word speaks of and i have come to feel it this past year. like the pieces of me have shifted in a way that closes the gap in some of those severely broken places. i am no longer ashamed to be a woman. i am living in my skin for the first time i can remember. i feel like myself. i know that sounds strange, but last weekend was the first time i was really myself - not projecting or protecting - just me, complete. not completed, just complete.
the lyrics touch some really personal places for me. the first line of the song,
"Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world"
Is a map of the world"
redeems something beautiful for me. i have a desperate case of rosacea, it has been complicated by an undiagnosed allergy for 20 years of my life. i had no idea that i was allergic to non-steroidal antiinflammatories and took asprin & advil for 20 years and got horrific hives all over my face. this caused me so much shame and discomfort. the gp i saw told me to use hydrocortisone cream - never realizing that it was chronic for me and that i'd use it so often (too often), and the steroid thinned my skin - so i literally have a "road map" all over my face. it was magnified after i delivered my babies and my dermatologist said that my "flush & blush" reflex has failed and the capillaries have just blushed once too often don't close down like they should anymore.
it is one of those things that caused me so much distress. i finally have to come to the place where i accept it. i have good makeup, but it's not perfect. but it is who i am, and i hope that my eyes have enough light in them that people notice my eyes and not my scars. i want to carry myself like the song says (sans the magazine page):
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
the power to be, to give and to see - what a prayer. god, not only grant me serenity, but the power to be, to give and to see.
i love that the first verse speaks of seeing her - and the second about hearing her - this isn't just about looks, it's about being. complete. like i could be a tower - inside and out.
one of the videos for the song has kt tunstall singing to herself on the stage - knowing that the woman she sees is her complete self. this is why it means so much to me.
Here's the video amy sent me (and the lyrics follow)
Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
Friday, November 21, 2008
365
i celebrate an anniversary today. 365 days - one year - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time. writing every night in my journal - for 365 days i have done it. this past year has been the most rich and rewarding time i have ever experienced in my 43 years on this planet.
something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.
back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.
the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.
i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.
10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.
for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.
it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.
yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:
Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.
back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.
the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.
i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.
10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.
for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.
it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.
yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:
Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
where i've been...
If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I think I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person.
Thomas Merton
Monday, September 29, 2008
a light in the darkness
i can hardly begin to tell you now having no expectations this weekend led to one of the most enjoyable times liam and i have ever experienced together. on friday he saw the therapist - all on his own, scheduled without my involvement and he told me that afterward he began to understand and admit that there was more to what i was seeing than he wanted to acknowledge. he will go back in two weeks and shared much of the connections he is making.
i think that initiative allowed me to trust him again and be open to whatever this weekend had in store for us. and oh my what a weekend. it surpassed even what my imagination could have constructed. holding things with open hands and no expectations helped me so much to be present to what happened instead of comparing it to something in my head that wasn't happening like i imagined.
the spa was glorious (although it never crossed my mind that i might have a male masseuse - it definitely freaked me out for a couple of minutes and then i just finally relaxed and enjoyed it) the hotel is old world charm and our room was glorious. we walked in to a surprise gift basket filled with things only our closest friends might have known we loved (and none of the things they knew we wouldn't enjoy like chocolate or alcohol) the card was not signed, so our secret angels wanted their anonymity protected. all in all i just felt so much love, comfort and joy. i know that so many of you were praying and i continually felt buoyed up throughout the weekend.
so many times we just looked at each other and giggled that it could be so fun and care free at this stage of our lives. i am still amazed.
thank you again for your words, thoughts and prayers. it truly was a celebration.
i think that initiative allowed me to trust him again and be open to whatever this weekend had in store for us. and oh my what a weekend. it surpassed even what my imagination could have constructed. holding things with open hands and no expectations helped me so much to be present to what happened instead of comparing it to something in my head that wasn't happening like i imagined.
the spa was glorious (although it never crossed my mind that i might have a male masseuse - it definitely freaked me out for a couple of minutes and then i just finally relaxed and enjoyed it) the hotel is old world charm and our room was glorious. we walked in to a surprise gift basket filled with things only our closest friends might have known we loved (and none of the things they knew we wouldn't enjoy like chocolate or alcohol) the card was not signed, so our secret angels wanted their anonymity protected. all in all i just felt so much love, comfort and joy. i know that so many of you were praying and i continually felt buoyed up throughout the weekend.
so many times we just looked at each other and giggled that it could be so fun and care free at this stage of our lives. i am still amazed.
thank you again for your words, thoughts and prayers. it truly was a celebration.
Monday, September 22, 2008
out of respect for the depressed...
i thought of calling this post "out of respect for the dead", because depression sure feels like emotional deadness to me while i'm on the outside looking in. i think i figured out why i have been so silent here. i'm not very good at not talking about EVERYTHING - and you see this everything lately has little to do with me and my journey. it's shitty being married to a depressed spouse. shitty.
i have been silent because i thought it's not my story to tell, it seemed too private some how. but i've also realized that part of me is dying inside. i don't live closed up and shuttered. i never have. i can't work his program. i can't make him get help. i can't do anything but my own stuff, so i'm back. working my program. and part of that is processing my life. this is an anonymous blog. yes, most of you know me, and some of you know him - but i can't stop moving forward anymore. it's scary as hell, but i need to talk about this. i need to open the shutters and get some fresh air in here.
it has begun to affect my own mental health and recovery and that is just not an option. any prayers or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
i have been silent because i thought it's not my story to tell, it seemed too private some how. but i've also realized that part of me is dying inside. i don't live closed up and shuttered. i never have. i can't work his program. i can't make him get help. i can't do anything but my own stuff, so i'm back. working my program. and part of that is processing my life. this is an anonymous blog. yes, most of you know me, and some of you know him - but i can't stop moving forward anymore. it's scary as hell, but i need to talk about this. i need to open the shutters and get some fresh air in here.
it has begun to affect my own mental health and recovery and that is just not an option. any prayers or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign...
Okay, I give.Coming home from camping the other day we stopped at the Goodwill and I peeked through the housewares section quickly. Stacked in amongst the frames I found a print by one of my favorite artists, maryanne radmacher. i was so tickled.
then, i saw it was signed. by her. in pencil. right at the signature. a signed maryanne radmacher print for $2.99. then i read it. gasp.
may your walls know joy;
may every room hold laughter
and
every window
open to
great
possibility.
the side of the print has a portion torn from a dictionary for "home", it has words like "focus, habitation, near, interior, arrival, refuge, present within, at ease, social gathering, be at, to visitors, freedom, pleasure, content, make oneself free, sociable, stay at, knowledge, skill, with friendship.
the little block under it has the words to favour, gain the friendship of, embrace; receive with open arms, meet half way, take in good part, affected, unhostile, neighbourly, sympathetic, harmonious, hearty.
it is a housewarming print and i got mine right from the artist. :D
yesterday i was im'ing with penni and she asked about the house. i told her i was beginning to chicken out. i felt some fear in the disappointment and was avoiding doing what was next. there is a business man at our church who walked our friends through the difficult process of returning the house to the bank, and i knew he would be the person to ask to help us. for some reason i was avoiding making the call.
penni gave me a shove. i got off the computer, picked up the phone and called. he wasn't home, but called me back. he was so excited. i could just hear it in his voice that this might bring this journey full circle for him too. he said he'd be happy to help us meet with the right people at the right time and help us to figure out what the bid should be and how to navigate the process well. he said that this kind of thing is one of his favorite things to do - so his excitement in all of this reassured me that doing 'the next right thing' was exactly the right thing. thank you penni for the push! he cautioned me though that this could definitely take some time. banks don't move quickly and i reassured him that we weren't in any rush (but in my heart of heart I WANT IT yesterday!)
then last night i shared vaguely about this process. our group knows that my heart beats for a home, for some roots. i had only shared with one couple so far of THIS particular home. they prayed for us - and three of them said specifically "by Christmas" - by Christmas - I gasped. Really? I barely could ask for so much. One of the women heard in my voice my hesitation and spoke directly to my insecurity of being afraid of asking for something so big. that somehow i didn't think i deserved this. it was truly beautiful.
i joked afterward as we were making plans for the next week that we would host the christmas party! :)
then today after we were done garage sailing (we do sail through them!) we went out for chinese buffet. we have a tradition in our family that the fortune cookies are disbursed by taking the one closest to you, otherwise it could mess up the karma (no spiritual beliefs here, just laid back joking, honest). i don't know if i mentioned in the last post that one of the things that really started me down this path was our financial advisor giving us a bit of a shove into this and that shortly after that we had chinese and liam got a fortune that read "You will move to a wonderful new home within the year." - it was such a joke for us, but stranger things have been known to happen. i kind of held on to that and only really remembered it as "you will move into a new house" (the timing was lost to my memory).
well, today the kids and i had opened our fortunes and they were pretty bland, and liam's was sitting there while he ate his dessert - and i joked and handed it to him saying in a spooky voice "you will move into a new house"... and guess what. it's EXACTLY THE ONE HE GOT!within the year. from liam's fortune cookie to god's ear...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
redemption songs
i can't believe it's the last weekend of the summer. it has flown by and been glorious. we head off today to celebrate the end of the season with friends camping on the coast.
it has been a summer of dreams and deep conversations. it feels wonderful to be dreaming again. admitting hope and rising above the terror that disappointment could and might bring can be a mighty powerful thing.
one of the dreams that i have given voice to is my deep desire to own a home again. we have moved 18 times in our marriage. i am ready for some roots. i deeply long for a home to call our own again.
when we entered ministry over a decade ago we gave up the new home we had just purchased and entered into a long time of financial difficulty and strain. i have been praying that god would restore to us what the locust have eaten. we live very simple lives and i could rent for the remainder if it was god's will. (i type that in recovery terms, not the "god's will" or my fundamental upbringing - those are two very different things to me now even though they occupy the same language).
i am ready. i long to sink deep roots into rich soil. it is fertile here and we know that this could be home forever and continue to nurture us greatly and allow us to nurture others.
some of our best friends here have gone through one of the most hellish summers i know. the beginnings of a business, a dream of restoration and creating homes for our community got quickly off course and deeply troublesome for them. the home he was flipping is being returned to the bank this week. from the outside it still looks like a spook house, but inside. oh inside. it is a house dreams are made of. the original family suffered great loss, bankruptcy and divorce. the house was left in shambles. it has begun to be restored. another family suffering great loss and difficulties that threatened the very fiber of their family, but they have made it through. we walked along side them.
the redemption in this property is palpable. it drips of restoration and redemption. i have never wanted anything this badly in my life. never. maybe i have but have never admitted it before? i don't know. but this. this i long for. this i desire. not in a broken, spoiled "give it to me or i will punish you" way, but in a 'deep desire of the heart' kind of way. the redemption story here is just too great. it is bigger than a house, it is bigger than a home. i want to tell this story of restoration. i want to live in a home that reclaims that loss.
it is just one piece of property and i know that other places have different stories to tell, and maybe my house is one of them. but i am so intimately tied into this one already, i would love to see it's fulfillment.
most of you know that liam's father passed away last spring. we had prayed that there might be some financial benefit passed to his kids. so far there is no word of that. i got an email from his stepmother this morning in my inbox, right after liam and i prayed together about this. it was the standard forward email, but i took the time to update her on our lives and felt the nudge to tell her of this dream. property values in our little town on the edge of civilization are laughable by other standards. we're talking very little money here. but i am praying that god will move her. cause her to understand how very much some small generosity on her part could have huge repercussions in our lives.
next week we have an appointment with our new financial adviser. he was the one who planted this seed of possibility in our heads at the beginning of summer. i don't know where it will lead, but i want to be done with small dreams that never disappoint. i want to reach beyond the fear and hope for something so big that it just might happen.
i long to sing my own redemption songs.
it has been a summer of dreams and deep conversations. it feels wonderful to be dreaming again. admitting hope and rising above the terror that disappointment could and might bring can be a mighty powerful thing.
one of the dreams that i have given voice to is my deep desire to own a home again. we have moved 18 times in our marriage. i am ready for some roots. i deeply long for a home to call our own again.
when we entered ministry over a decade ago we gave up the new home we had just purchased and entered into a long time of financial difficulty and strain. i have been praying that god would restore to us what the locust have eaten. we live very simple lives and i could rent for the remainder if it was god's will. (i type that in recovery terms, not the "god's will" or my fundamental upbringing - those are two very different things to me now even though they occupy the same language).
i am ready. i long to sink deep roots into rich soil. it is fertile here and we know that this could be home forever and continue to nurture us greatly and allow us to nurture others.
some of our best friends here have gone through one of the most hellish summers i know. the beginnings of a business, a dream of restoration and creating homes for our community got quickly off course and deeply troublesome for them. the home he was flipping is being returned to the bank this week. from the outside it still looks like a spook house, but inside. oh inside. it is a house dreams are made of. the original family suffered great loss, bankruptcy and divorce. the house was left in shambles. it has begun to be restored. another family suffering great loss and difficulties that threatened the very fiber of their family, but they have made it through. we walked along side them.
the redemption in this property is palpable. it drips of restoration and redemption. i have never wanted anything this badly in my life. never. maybe i have but have never admitted it before? i don't know. but this. this i long for. this i desire. not in a broken, spoiled "give it to me or i will punish you" way, but in a 'deep desire of the heart' kind of way. the redemption story here is just too great. it is bigger than a house, it is bigger than a home. i want to tell this story of restoration. i want to live in a home that reclaims that loss.
it is just one piece of property and i know that other places have different stories to tell, and maybe my house is one of them. but i am so intimately tied into this one already, i would love to see it's fulfillment.
most of you know that liam's father passed away last spring. we had prayed that there might be some financial benefit passed to his kids. so far there is no word of that. i got an email from his stepmother this morning in my inbox, right after liam and i prayed together about this. it was the standard forward email, but i took the time to update her on our lives and felt the nudge to tell her of this dream. property values in our little town on the edge of civilization are laughable by other standards. we're talking very little money here. but i am praying that god will move her. cause her to understand how very much some small generosity on her part could have huge repercussions in our lives.
next week we have an appointment with our new financial adviser. he was the one who planted this seed of possibility in our heads at the beginning of summer. i don't know where it will lead, but i want to be done with small dreams that never disappoint. i want to reach beyond the fear and hope for something so big that it just might happen.
i long to sing my own redemption songs.
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