logjam

i have made two amends today by email - the people involved are too far away to do face to face. i have one more to make today and then a phone call to clear the decks with a friend locally.

i am using the anxiety i'm having about the phone call to spur me on to making the amends i have set aside for months (years for one) and it's working. instead of eating the anxiety i am pouring the energy it gives me into moving foward and working my program.

this past week has been full of massive ah-ha's, answers to prayers and revelation. the penny dropped yesterday on a stalled area between liam and i - and the revelation truly felt miraculous. the images and ah-ha's we had could only have come from god - answers to about a dozen questions we have had - it was like a curtain lifted and we were given insight into some really destructive behavior we both have that has been foiling intimacy, healing and recovery.

now the work begins - but at least we have a starting point.

it feels like the logjam has been freed for me - like a hinge has turned and opened a door that has long been stuck shut. i have answers to questions and prayers i didn't know i was even asking.

resurrection is happening in places that have long been dormant and dead. spring is arriving and life is being made new. it's terrifying, emotional and wonderful.

speaking the truth in love

either i've become soft or my theology is truly changing my heart. i never really thought that conflict was a problem for me. i am an opinionated woman and lead from my gut. i can think on the fly a lot of the time and hold my own in most conversations, even heated ones.

but one thing that i have found recently is that i have begun to let "old relationships" die. we have moved quite a bit, and maintaining friendships over distance isn't something i'm good at unless they are like you all - internet savvy and as interested in pursuing online correspondence as "we" are.

i have recently realized though that i am allowing some of these relationship to die because i believe in my heart of hearts that if they knew what i believed about their faith now they would brand me with a scarlet H and out me as a heretic. even here i haven't blogged through some of the ways in which my theology is morphing and my questions are becoming larger than my answers.

i do believe though that conflict and conflict resolution is truly the bridge to community. when we care enough to work through our problems the ties that bind us grow stronger.

i have realized that i can say that all i want and it still doesn't make it true unless i live it out. one of the filters i use on being opinionated and outspoken is that of 'speaking the truth in love'. if i can't say it in love i can't say it.

what i am finding through living out this filter is that the love i have for people and relationships isn't as strong as i thought it was. i realize that if the relationship cannot maintain the work it will take to walk through this problem it's probably not going to sustain me in the hard work i have to do to get to the other side. i don't like that. love isn't nearly as good of a motivator for me as being pissed off or when i am seeking justice. those emotions motivate me to action. love i'm finding is much more difficult than i realized.

i find i love myself and my peace of mind more than i love some others from my past.

i have a very good friend, things between us got a bit sideways. i was tempted to write her off. i was afraid if i spoke my truth she would have chapter and verse to show me i was wrong, and i don't really have the energy for those kind of debates anymore. if there is more heat than light i want nothing to do with it. i know that some things are worth fighting for - but i'm finding that the list of 'those things' is growing smaller each day.

the temptation to just loose contact was strong, but i realized that the love i have for her is stronger. i don't want to loose her friendship. i had hoped we could speak face to face over the holidays, that didn't happen and i was left with few good options. i decided to write her a letter, i sat with my words for the full weekend and finally sent them.

they were well received, but now the work begins. trying to speak my truth, keeping it about me and not her, and not basing my behavior on her response is key to this for me. i know much of this is more for me than it is for her. it is still hard. much of what i am addressing is still so fresh and new, i haven't had the courage to verbalize much of it before. i explained to her that these ideas feel like new shoots in the garden and i don't want things uprooted or squashed.

putting these things down in writing is important. speaking them "out loud" is necessary. if they don't have the strength to grow into real beliefs what good are they?

i left a comment on a new blog today about letting the worms out of the can. the damn things just won't go back in. so i sit, with my worms and new growth, i know they are good for each other - but it's a dirty, fertile place of waiting. waiting for the light to bring strength, growth and maturity to these fledgling seeds. god send the light.

conflict and confrontation

i've been having some email correspondence with a fellow blogger. we were writing about something totally different, but i wondered after i left a comment on her blog a couple days before if the comments i left her were received in the heart in which i left them.

she wrote back and explained the emotion with which my comments were received. the spirit in which i wrote them, and the spirit in which they were received were diametrically opposed to each other. i was sick. the thought that those comments could have built a wall between made me frantic. a wall that i possibly would have known nothing about.

i apologized profusely and tried to explain my heart, she received my words, forgave me and we exchanged about 6 emails yesterday, tearing down that wall, and building a bridge. it was a good experience for both of us. but it only came with icky feelings, questions, courage and honesty.

i hate to think of how many possible walls i have created out there with my words. UCK!

later last night i was reading blogs and went to one of my favorites - anj at living at both ends. she was writing about her worst and a post that has knocked the wind out of her. i remembered while reading this that i had commented on that post and thought 'oh no, here i did it again...'

i left a new comment there apologizing because i didn't want anyone to think that i was an ignoramus and not own my own stuff. anj reassured me, both by a following comment and email that it was not i that took the wind out of her sails, but the post itself. i was so relieved i cried. we also committed to emailing each other if there is ever offense taken and to following it through.

i think that's a worthy commitment we need to make in this blogosphere. there is so much difficulty in not knowing the emotion of either the typer or the reader as things are sent around the world.

i promise that if i am offended by any comments or questions you make on my blog i will email you and explain myself, k?? i would truly appreciate the same.

you see, being the intimidating woman that i am perceived to be, i have so very few people who will speak truth into my life. when that translated into this new world i was crushed. am i that as intimidating in word, as i am in deed? i hated that thought.

it took my friend courage yesterday to say so, and when she saw my heart we were allowed the opportunity to get to know each other a bit better, and we definately challenged each other to understand us, and our words more clearly. i think it was kingdom building. no, i know it was kingdom building.

i know that this is so difficult to do in 'real life' - so how 'bout we practice virtually? how 'bout we commit to each other that if we read between the lines and wonder 'what did that mean?' - we will ask. it takes courage and boldness - and it might not be well received, but we are building a community here - virtual though it is, and i don't want to loose one of you to some misunderstanding or perceived insult.

you also have my permission to challenge me - i want to be more than i am today. i want to be sharpened, get these rough edged knocked off, inspired to greater thoughts and life. speak the truth (in love). i can take it, honest. now that i've written it i almost want to deleat it, but i don't think i'm going to. it is truly the cry of my heart to be more christlike and less bobbie-like. (and i mean that in both the anonymous way, and the 'less like my mother' way too!)

oh, and if your challenge has to do with capital letters, sorry, you're out of luck! :)

taking out the garbage

neritia, janet, and lilly have all got me thinking about forgiveness.

i think this is one of the huge areas where the church falls down. most of the teaching that i've heard on this, or even read for that matter is watered down and weak. shame based and full of should's. rarely about the why's and the tools that we are given in dealing with conflict, anger, health and healing.

lilly talked about ogres and onions. that is one of my favorite parts of shrek, the conversation about layers and parfaits and onions makes me smile even now as i think of it. ogres have layers, and those layers are like onions.

i have likened my recovery to an onion. god brings me to a place where i am facing a huge part of myself, my sin or stuff that has been done to me. i work through the pain, feel the emotions and gain perspective and learning from it. i think 'oh good, now that's over, whew. glad i'm finished...' and about a week later, in my face is another layer of the onion - just as big, or sometimes bigger than the last layer. that is the paradox. we keep thinking that the onion is going to get smaller with each layer, but in my experience it doesn't.

please don't get discouraged by that - it only means that we have the experience, strength and hope from that last layer that allows us to face the next one. and each layer usually involves it's own emotions and levels of forgiveness.

i remember reading that 70x7 time in the gospels as a kid and thinking jesus was a bit daft. i mean that in the most respectful way, but really, smack me in the face once and apologize, i'll probably forgive you, but turn right around and do it to me again (let alone 70 more times) come on jesus? really?

what i have come to find out in recovery is that's probably not the full explanation of the message that jesus was trying convey.

each layer of that onion that i am dealing with brings back old junk that i have to deal with. each time i think 'oh, not again...' it's like that scab gets picked off sometimes and those emotions rise up and i need to deal with the event, the person or at least the emotions again. forgiveness is a choice. don't let anyone ever tell you it will be this dimly lit, soft music playing in the background scene where you both walk off into the sunset. it's gritty, real and the stuff that life is made of.

after each recovery session we join hands and say the lord's prayer. 'as we forgive those who trespass against us' sticks in my throat each time. yuck. only as much as i forgave them?? yep. why?

i think it goes back to that layer thing. i am only able to receive as much as i am able to give away. eternal principles are at work here. if i have my hands full of the junk other people have given me, done to me, or abused me with then i have no room to receive the forgiveness i am asking for. my hands are full.

i try to explain it to the youth i teach with this illustration. when someone hurts, injures or wounds you it's like they hand you a bag a garbage and say 'here, hold this'. and we do. we walk around with it, and the others we have been given and carry them through life. the whole time we are thinking 'this stinks, i hate this. look at all this crap i have to carry.' all the time getting more weighed down, tired and resentful.

jesus says 'set the bags down, step away from the garbage, choose to walk around free and clear'. (my paraphrase). and each time that layer strips away and i stand facing the next one i am tempted to pick that bag up again. muttering to myself 'i'll get you now, see this garbage, this stinks. i'll get you now...' when really all that has happened is that i've returned like a dog to my vomit and am wallowing in it.

it is only with empty hands that we are able to receive. 'as we forgive those who trespass against us.'

i think that there has been a lot of error in teaching too about the way forgiveness is to take place. god is the only one who forgets. he's the only one capable of the forgetting. that horrible line 'forgive and forget' isn't in the bible - yet i heard that heresy my whole life.

what forgiveness really means is giving up the rights to punish and seek retribution. letting go. setting down the bag. i'll never forget that i was raped. never. but it doesn't bring back poison every time i remember it. really. i know that may sound trite or simple. it's not. it's never easy, but it does get easier.

i suspect that 70x7 really means is that i personally am re-experiencing the
emotions and trauma again. that those feelings are welling up within me again, and i need to deal with them each time - even 140 times they could haunt me. not that someone has smacked me in the face 70 times and i am supposed to keep forgiving them. those layers of pain, trauma and emotion would kill us is we had to 'eat the onion whole'. that's why 'next' is so important in my recovery.

that's why the founders of AA were god inspired (IMHO), 12 steps, broken down into bite size pieces. not one whole big unswallowable chunk rammed down our throats. just 'next'. it's linking all of those tiny 'nexts' together that brings health and healing, in tiny little baby steps.

what garbage do i need to take out today lord?