Showing posts with label OA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OA. Show all posts
Thursday, October 14, 2010
celebrating an 11 year milestone today
no time to blog, but wanted to mark my 11 year anniversary of abstinence from my sexual addiction and it has officially been 11 years since i have had chocolate. i have also sat at the side of my bed every night and read the "next" section of the bible, no meditation or thinking, just showing up. one day at a time. thank you god for these past 11 years of sanity and sobriety. i wouldn't be alive today without them. miss you all. wish i had more time to write. oh, and i turned 45 yesterday! :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
how much god loves me
do you want to know how much god loves me and my recovery? i found out yesterday and am amazed.
i live in a small university town, it's a very distinctive school, attracts very creative, postmodern people of faith who really care about the world. many people relocate here later in life to change course - kind of like me, so we regularly have new families move into our community and it's always very exciting. i had been hearing rumblings of that very thing and it creates a lot of energy and excitement because they usually have kids and we're all very curious as to what grades they will be in and if our kids will have new friends soon.
i was at our community's summer fun spot yesterday picnicking with friends and the mum of the new family had arrived early, she had immigration issues to sort out so that her family could follow her soon. i watched her engage in the group, wondering if she was going to be the type of person i would naturally click with. she was eating health food and so very tiny - i judged from a distance that she was kind and outgoing, but figured that we'd be acquaintances, but probably not friends.
i hung back throughout the day as she conversed with others and i had some great talks with friends, watched my kids kayak, swim and ride the atvs. at the very end of the day i heard her talking about hopping borders and how it makes buying a home so difficult, establishing residency and all of the other big stuff of international moves. i waited until there was a break in the conversation and introduced myself and said that i had just been through all of those things recently and would be more than happy to help with anything. she said "oh, i know who you are and i have to give you a great big hug!"
she comes over to me, gives me a huge squeeze, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear "i'm a recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic and i heard your talks on the drive up here and i couldn't wait to meet you!"
she told me that she had to drive an hour to get to a meeting back in her home state and how when they were considering their move back here (she did some of her undergrad at the university years ago) she skeptically checked the OA website to see if there were any meetings and found out that there was one, not only in the town she was moving to, but that met in the very church she already called home.
this meeting has been a constant frustration for me recently. the woman i started with is in full blown relapse (and angry at me), her husband who kept coming for months after couldn't do the pull between both worlds and stopped coming and hasn't been seen for months and the two newbies who do come really just want to loose weight without all of that 12 steps stuff and one of them is the wife of the couple with whom i have had all of the painful history. (who liam and i have sent a letter asking for mediation because our community is so small that i can't be in the same room with them without it causing me great amounts of stress - but they have blown off, not acknowledged and acted like everything is "normal") she is the master of denial and lives in such a self constructed world - i don't know how she does it as she acts like my best friend in group, still invites us to get togethers, but when it comes time to anything below the surface she fades and folds.
in a recovery group of 3 people it makes a meeting much less than one could hope for.
the beauty of the program is that it is so strong that the routine and the prayers are enough for me - but in a small town i did not know if there would ever be real kindred souls who get recovery enough to find an echo of support f2f again. this changes everything.
so the hug and deep conversation after left us both teary and rejoicing that god's will for my life has presents like this along the way.
i live in a small university town, it's a very distinctive school, attracts very creative, postmodern people of faith who really care about the world. many people relocate here later in life to change course - kind of like me, so we regularly have new families move into our community and it's always very exciting. i had been hearing rumblings of that very thing and it creates a lot of energy and excitement because they usually have kids and we're all very curious as to what grades they will be in and if our kids will have new friends soon.
i was at our community's summer fun spot yesterday picnicking with friends and the mum of the new family had arrived early, she had immigration issues to sort out so that her family could follow her soon. i watched her engage in the group, wondering if she was going to be the type of person i would naturally click with. she was eating health food and so very tiny - i judged from a distance that she was kind and outgoing, but figured that we'd be acquaintances, but probably not friends.
i hung back throughout the day as she conversed with others and i had some great talks with friends, watched my kids kayak, swim and ride the atvs. at the very end of the day i heard her talking about hopping borders and how it makes buying a home so difficult, establishing residency and all of the other big stuff of international moves. i waited until there was a break in the conversation and introduced myself and said that i had just been through all of those things recently and would be more than happy to help with anything. she said "oh, i know who you are and i have to give you a great big hug!"
she comes over to me, gives me a huge squeeze, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear "i'm a recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic and i heard your talks on the drive up here and i couldn't wait to meet you!"
she told me that she had to drive an hour to get to a meeting back in her home state and how when they were considering their move back here (she did some of her undergrad at the university years ago) she skeptically checked the OA website to see if there were any meetings and found out that there was one, not only in the town she was moving to, but that met in the very church she already called home.
this meeting has been a constant frustration for me recently. the woman i started with is in full blown relapse (and angry at me), her husband who kept coming for months after couldn't do the pull between both worlds and stopped coming and hasn't been seen for months and the two newbies who do come really just want to loose weight without all of that 12 steps stuff and one of them is the wife of the couple with whom i have had all of the painful history. (who liam and i have sent a letter asking for mediation because our community is so small that i can't be in the same room with them without it causing me great amounts of stress - but they have blown off, not acknowledged and acted like everything is "normal") she is the master of denial and lives in such a self constructed world - i don't know how she does it as she acts like my best friend in group, still invites us to get togethers, but when it comes time to anything below the surface she fades and folds.
in a recovery group of 3 people it makes a meeting much less than one could hope for.
the beauty of the program is that it is so strong that the routine and the prayers are enough for me - but in a small town i did not know if there would ever be real kindred souls who get recovery enough to find an echo of support f2f again. this changes everything.
so the hug and deep conversation after left us both teary and rejoicing that god's will for my life has presents like this along the way.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
cool brain study on addiction and relapse
great article on why "cheating" on a food plan engages the worst parts of us - useful for all addictive behaviors:
Extinction Burst
Extinction Burst
Monday, July 12, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
step 5
spent saturday driving to the middle of absolute nowhere to meet my sponsor to give my step 5. we live about four hours away from each other, so we split the difference and met 1/2 way. we sat at a place called "the million dollar view" and it was beautiful. my family drove with me and sacrificed a lovely saturday trying to find something to do in the middle of nowhere. god bless them. we really had no idea it was so far from anything. they are good sports.
as i sat in her car, this woman who is committed to me, but nearly a stranger - i felt safe and assured that she was the right one to hear this. it is the fifth time i have done the fifth step. each time scraping away at the debris as i climb this spiral staircase known as the 12 steps. each time i pass by the familiar parts of my life - sometimes i have to face again the similar things because they still cause pain or i still have resentments. but surprisingly each time there are things that no longer push that button or pull that puppet string like they used to. and i am amazed. in awe of the process. things that used to baffle us....
it was a totally new process this time, really well done, charts based on the big book wording done in such an intuitive, nearly inspired way - i made connections this time through that i have never made before. it was a really good process.
i did have to face the crap from these past 2 years though and i did not like that one bit. face first in the refuse pile is not my favorite place to be. i had to admit my part in my community falling apart. i had to face my pain and resentments toward those who had hurt me so badly and i had to own my own desperate need for attention and approval and know that in these next few steps there will need to be amends made and character defects given to god.
it was grueling at times. face first. god help me. admitting my greatest character defect, my desperate need for approval and attention from spiritual men in authority (whatever the hell that means - and yes, i am untangling it) - mostly my dad - and the lack thereof has torn off a piece of my shielding and left me so vulnerable.
as i spoke with liam this week i acknowledged that there could not have been a more "perfect cocktail" prepared for me than the person i struggled with for the past two years. it truly has very little to do with him - but our velcro of needs pulled us together in a fearful way and it leaves me scared that it could happen again. we have not had any meaningful contact in ages. but the fear remains.
his wife means so much to me - she is in my recovery group and the hardest part of all of this has been my desire for absolution from her. i know this probably will fall into that place of 'more harm than good' - she is in great denial of this whole process. i am not the only woman her husband has sought out - this is far greater than just me - but for my part i truly want to look her in the eyes and apologize. having to admit that i wanted to "beat her" in the competition for his attention (to even the score on all of the great and wonderful things she has that i do not) was absolutely the lowest point in my recent history. i wanted to wretch when i had to first write it down, and again when i said it to god, again to myself, and thirdly to another human being... so i'm writing it here now too - hoping against hope that it will lessen it's shame as i truly don't know if i will ever be able to make direct amends.
i know that amends are 3 steps away - and wisdom and strength will be given when the time is needed, but today it still holds so much power over me, and i want it gone for today. i feel so weak, so needy and nearly desperate to fill myself back up. i am shaky, physically feeling wrung out and wanting to isolate myself in a deep way.
i have an hour or so left of reflection before i move on to step six. i will be spending time with god and the big book and looking back at the process and answering a few questions. my sponsor has also given me a mantra. 10x a day when i wake up and 10x a day before i go to sleep. it's only three lines - but i am having a horrible time remembering it. i can't even type it from memory right now - so i am searching for where i wrote it down.
found it...
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
couldn't remember competent. those words choke in my throat. i know that one day i might believe them. today i am turning them into an art piece to place next to my bed so i won't forget or have an excuse. i also found a sheet that has prayers for each step from an old OA newsletter. this is the one for step 5:
higher power,
my inventory has shown me who i am,
yet i ask for your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to you.
assure me, and be with me, in this step, for without this step i cannot progress in my recovery.
with your help, i can do this and will do it. amen.
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
fake it till ya make it, eh? i can do this, and i will do this. amen.
as i sat in her car, this woman who is committed to me, but nearly a stranger - i felt safe and assured that she was the right one to hear this. it is the fifth time i have done the fifth step. each time scraping away at the debris as i climb this spiral staircase known as the 12 steps. each time i pass by the familiar parts of my life - sometimes i have to face again the similar things because they still cause pain or i still have resentments. but surprisingly each time there are things that no longer push that button or pull that puppet string like they used to. and i am amazed. in awe of the process. things that used to baffle us....
it was a totally new process this time, really well done, charts based on the big book wording done in such an intuitive, nearly inspired way - i made connections this time through that i have never made before. it was a really good process.
i did have to face the crap from these past 2 years though and i did not like that one bit. face first in the refuse pile is not my favorite place to be. i had to admit my part in my community falling apart. i had to face my pain and resentments toward those who had hurt me so badly and i had to own my own desperate need for attention and approval and know that in these next few steps there will need to be amends made and character defects given to god.
it was grueling at times. face first. god help me. admitting my greatest character defect, my desperate need for approval and attention from spiritual men in authority (whatever the hell that means - and yes, i am untangling it) - mostly my dad - and the lack thereof has torn off a piece of my shielding and left me so vulnerable.
as i spoke with liam this week i acknowledged that there could not have been a more "perfect cocktail" prepared for me than the person i struggled with for the past two years. it truly has very little to do with him - but our velcro of needs pulled us together in a fearful way and it leaves me scared that it could happen again. we have not had any meaningful contact in ages. but the fear remains.
his wife means so much to me - she is in my recovery group and the hardest part of all of this has been my desire for absolution from her. i know this probably will fall into that place of 'more harm than good' - she is in great denial of this whole process. i am not the only woman her husband has sought out - this is far greater than just me - but for my part i truly want to look her in the eyes and apologize. having to admit that i wanted to "beat her" in the competition for his attention (to even the score on all of the great and wonderful things she has that i do not) was absolutely the lowest point in my recent history. i wanted to wretch when i had to first write it down, and again when i said it to god, again to myself, and thirdly to another human being... so i'm writing it here now too - hoping against hope that it will lessen it's shame as i truly don't know if i will ever be able to make direct amends.
i know that amends are 3 steps away - and wisdom and strength will be given when the time is needed, but today it still holds so much power over me, and i want it gone for today. i feel so weak, so needy and nearly desperate to fill myself back up. i am shaky, physically feeling wrung out and wanting to isolate myself in a deep way.
i have an hour or so left of reflection before i move on to step six. i will be spending time with god and the big book and looking back at the process and answering a few questions. my sponsor has also given me a mantra. 10x a day when i wake up and 10x a day before i go to sleep. it's only three lines - but i am having a horrible time remembering it. i can't even type it from memory right now - so i am searching for where i wrote it down.
found it...
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
couldn't remember competent. those words choke in my throat. i know that one day i might believe them. today i am turning them into an art piece to place next to my bed so i won't forget or have an excuse. i also found a sheet that has prayers for each step from an old OA newsletter. this is the one for step 5:
higher power,
my inventory has shown me who i am,
yet i ask for your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to you.
assure me, and be with me, in this step, for without this step i cannot progress in my recovery.
with your help, i can do this and will do it. amen.
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
fake it till ya make it, eh? i can do this, and i will do this. amen.
Monday, December 21, 2009
painting my fear
this artist, lee price, has captured the madness of eating disorders so powerfully i felt naked and sucker punched while looking at them. it has been over a decade since my own descent into this hell and they took me back instantly. it was visceral.many are titled "self portraits" so she knows this pain personally.
Lee Price: American Figurative Realist Oil Painter
Sunday, October 11, 2009
frequently wrong
important reminder from patty:
"Finally, we begin to see that all people including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or get hurt by people who, like us are suffering from the pains of growing up."
"Finally, we begin to see that all people including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or get hurt by people who, like us are suffering from the pains of growing up."
(AA 12 &12, step 10, page 92)
Thursday, October 01, 2009
one of these things is not like the other...
i have always felt quite a kinship to that beloved furry monster :p
Friday, January 30, 2009
forgive me...
got an email and a phone call before my meeting last night... all the regulars bailed on me. i opened the doors, pulled out the literature. set up the table. read everything out loud. led the meeting. read step 5 from the AA 12 & 12 (oh man did i need to read that chapter, what a beautiful collection of thoughts and words!) and closed the meeting. alone. but what an complete blessing that meeting was to me. i was pissed and full of resentments heading into that meeting, but felt so full and alive afterward. i showed up. it's my recovery and i'm working MY program. not anyone else's.
i can't seem to get away from everyone looking to me like this is MY meeting all of the time. it wears really thin sometimes. i'm not sure what to do to stop this and get anyone else to step up. the woman who asked me to start this meeting with her is in major relapse. she still shows up to the meetings most of the time, but is so angry and bewildered as to why she just isn't getting it this time around. and i think that she is really angry at ME. and that makes me really bewildered.
when i read this today i think i got a clue. i think that somehow something got shifted on to me that shouldn't have been mine. i didn't ask for it and i don't think that i attract it, but i think it got put on me anyway, and that because i haven't picked up the mantle she is really pissed at me. anyway, i don't want the job, i'm not taking the job and i will continue to show up, one day at a time to work my own program.
these words of wisdom are from henri nouwen:
Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life
Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.
But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!
i can't seem to get away from everyone looking to me like this is MY meeting all of the time. it wears really thin sometimes. i'm not sure what to do to stop this and get anyone else to step up. the woman who asked me to start this meeting with her is in major relapse. she still shows up to the meetings most of the time, but is so angry and bewildered as to why she just isn't getting it this time around. and i think that she is really angry at ME. and that makes me really bewildered.
when i read this today i think i got a clue. i think that somehow something got shifted on to me that shouldn't have been mine. i didn't ask for it and i don't think that i attract it, but i think it got put on me anyway, and that because i haven't picked up the mantle she is really pissed at me. anyway, i don't want the job, i'm not taking the job and i will continue to show up, one day at a time to work my own program.
these words of wisdom are from henri nouwen:
Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life
Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.
But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!
Monday, January 12, 2009
the enemy of truth
this is rippling into my consciousness today. from the OA For Today daily reading:
The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.where is the myth that i am believing that is stopping the truth from setting me free today?John F. Kennedy
My food addiction was acquired so I could survive and cope in earlier, painful circumstances. Thus began two myths: First, that pain was to be avoided at all costs, and second, that eating would relieve the pain free of charge. These myths were useful then, but they are insanity today.
As I become willing to accept the truth that is revealed to me in this program, the myths I clung to so desperately lose credibility. I no longer need to be anesthetized; I can stand still and feel my feelings. I don't think something is wrong if I'm not happy every minute.
For Today: The more I accept the reality of what is, the more comfortable and serene my life becomes.
Monday, December 08, 2008
e/s/h
got an email today from a blogger friend in relapse. i'm sharing my response here in case it might help anyone else:
relapse is terrifying and i hear/feel your pain/fear. please know that i am praying for you as i type.
unhealthy recovery groups are sometimes more of a hindrance than a healing space. i am so sorry for that. our group is so small and it's taking quite some time to get things to a healthy place. we're the only one in a 90 minute drive radius, so it makes it hard when it's not scratching where i itch - but i "keep coming back" because i know that it's the place i need to be.
one of the things that helps me is to pray that there will be ONE THING that i can get from each meeting - just one thing - and i pray for that and the ears to hear it (i do this with my therapist too - actually even in conversations with friends too) - god just give me one golden thread to follow here - and make it shiny enough for me to see it - and then help me follow it to where you want me to focus.
i figure that if god can use a donkey to speak his truth he can use anything in my life to speak to me if i'm willing to listen.
baby steps for me are the key to my recovery. finding one right thing i can do, give up, set aside for a couple of weeks so that i can get some victory and momentum going. cold turkey & extreme measures NEVER work for me - if i have to give everything up it's easier to throw in the towel.
first i pray to be willing to be willing - and god answers that prayer. then i make a list of my binge foods - what is the chemical & emotional triggers that are setting me spinning? then i pick one - for me it started 9+ years ago with chocolate - i knew that was my biggest trigger and caused me the most shame. i was eating a box of little debbie swiss rolls by my self (in one sitting) each and every day. so i took chocolate off my list - i still ate sugar (actually zebra cakes each and ever day at the beginning) - just to get the chocolate and it's chemical dependence out of my system. i didn't shame myself for the zebra cakes - they weren't part of my current abstinence - it was a baby step. when i was able to get about 3 months under my belt i made another choice - the victory from being able to succeed at something (anything) meant that i wasn't as big of a loser as i had felt before i started - and that victory moved me to take another baby step. i have had 9 years of tiny baby steps - all based on victories, not shame and not extremes.
extremes are self defeating. they are dieting. and i am as compulsive about dieting as i am about eating. i cannot diet. diets rip each and every food out of our system - and i believe that we were meant to enjoy food - communion is a good thing.
the other thing that i have found out in this past year is that i am probably hypoglycemic - and that not eating filling, regular meals at regular times was causing me to need to snack. by eating 3 very filling, varied meals - lots of proteins, complex carbs and fruits & vegs - and i mean lots - my meals are not diet meals - i am full after i eat every meal - no dieting for me - it allowed me to make it to my next meal with my blood sugar intact. i think that for most of my life that panicky feeling that comes when my blood sugars dropped caused me to binge and break my abstinence.
i think that most oa's shame themselves for enjoying a real meal and still worry about what others think about what you put on your plate. i have stopped worrying about that - i know my body - and it's working. it's almost like i have kicked in my metabolism to it's proper place. i don't eat empty calories - and i don't eat my binge foods - and i do eat with relish everything else - and i enjoy it - and my body feels good - and my brain feels good and my emotions feel good.
something has clicked and i like it. it's not a food plan that works for everyone and they would probably kick me out of a meeting for saying some of this - but i don't think god intended for me to despise food - it is one of my basic needs, and it's something that is used to bring community and wholeness to people - i think that making food the enemy really goes a long way in defeating most oa-er's - it doesn't need to be my best friend any more - but it definitely doesn't need to be my enemy either. i'm not fighting the food anymore. i feeling my feelings (most of the time) :D and trying to learn from them.
figuring out why some foods have an emotional hook to them too has helped me greatly. binging on cookie dough was more about the fact that it brought back the memory of my grandmother coming to visit and make cookies with me - nurture me and care for me, and that my parents were always on their best behavior and that we felt like a real family during those times - that's really what i was hoping cookie dough would give me - it never did... but finding out why that had it's hooks into me helped so much. figuring out ways to nurture myself, to find other women who nurture me - and to take that lack and that want to god and allow it to be lack has helped that food to loose it's power of me. and i know that when it's calling to me again i can use that as a flag to remind me that i'm low on my nurture tanks and need to do some good self care and some interaction with healthy, nurturing people.
relapse is terrifying and i hear/feel your pain/fear. please know that i am praying for you as i type.
unhealthy recovery groups are sometimes more of a hindrance than a healing space. i am so sorry for that. our group is so small and it's taking quite some time to get things to a healthy place. we're the only one in a 90 minute drive radius, so it makes it hard when it's not scratching where i itch - but i "keep coming back" because i know that it's the place i need to be.
one of the things that helps me is to pray that there will be ONE THING that i can get from each meeting - just one thing - and i pray for that and the ears to hear it (i do this with my therapist too - actually even in conversations with friends too) - god just give me one golden thread to follow here - and make it shiny enough for me to see it - and then help me follow it to where you want me to focus.
i figure that if god can use a donkey to speak his truth he can use anything in my life to speak to me if i'm willing to listen.
baby steps for me are the key to my recovery. finding one right thing i can do, give up, set aside for a couple of weeks so that i can get some victory and momentum going. cold turkey & extreme measures NEVER work for me - if i have to give everything up it's easier to throw in the towel.
first i pray to be willing to be willing - and god answers that prayer. then i make a list of my binge foods - what is the chemical & emotional triggers that are setting me spinning? then i pick one - for me it started 9+ years ago with chocolate - i knew that was my biggest trigger and caused me the most shame. i was eating a box of little debbie swiss rolls by my self (in one sitting) each and every day. so i took chocolate off my list - i still ate sugar (actually zebra cakes each and ever day at the beginning) - just to get the chocolate and it's chemical dependence out of my system. i didn't shame myself for the zebra cakes - they weren't part of my current abstinence - it was a baby step. when i was able to get about 3 months under my belt i made another choice - the victory from being able to succeed at something (anything) meant that i wasn't as big of a loser as i had felt before i started - and that victory moved me to take another baby step. i have had 9 years of tiny baby steps - all based on victories, not shame and not extremes.
extremes are self defeating. they are dieting. and i am as compulsive about dieting as i am about eating. i cannot diet. diets rip each and every food out of our system - and i believe that we were meant to enjoy food - communion is a good thing.
the other thing that i have found out in this past year is that i am probably hypoglycemic - and that not eating filling, regular meals at regular times was causing me to need to snack. by eating 3 very filling, varied meals - lots of proteins, complex carbs and fruits & vegs - and i mean lots - my meals are not diet meals - i am full after i eat every meal - no dieting for me - it allowed me to make it to my next meal with my blood sugar intact. i think that for most of my life that panicky feeling that comes when my blood sugars dropped caused me to binge and break my abstinence.
i think that most oa's shame themselves for enjoying a real meal and still worry about what others think about what you put on your plate. i have stopped worrying about that - i know my body - and it's working. it's almost like i have kicked in my metabolism to it's proper place. i don't eat empty calories - and i don't eat my binge foods - and i do eat with relish everything else - and i enjoy it - and my body feels good - and my brain feels good and my emotions feel good.
something has clicked and i like it. it's not a food plan that works for everyone and they would probably kick me out of a meeting for saying some of this - but i don't think god intended for me to despise food - it is one of my basic needs, and it's something that is used to bring community and wholeness to people - i think that making food the enemy really goes a long way in defeating most oa-er's - it doesn't need to be my best friend any more - but it definitely doesn't need to be my enemy either. i'm not fighting the food anymore. i feeling my feelings (most of the time) :D and trying to learn from them.
figuring out why some foods have an emotional hook to them too has helped me greatly. binging on cookie dough was more about the fact that it brought back the memory of my grandmother coming to visit and make cookies with me - nurture me and care for me, and that my parents were always on their best behavior and that we felt like a real family during those times - that's really what i was hoping cookie dough would give me - it never did... but finding out why that had it's hooks into me helped so much. figuring out ways to nurture myself, to find other women who nurture me - and to take that lack and that want to god and allow it to be lack has helped that food to loose it's power of me. and i know that when it's calling to me again i can use that as a flag to remind me that i'm low on my nurture tanks and need to do some good self care and some interaction with healthy, nurturing people.
Monday, November 24, 2008
my mind and my time
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
A man is what he thinks about all day long.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is true for women too. We sure learned that about our disease as well. It kept us thinking about alcohol or drugs all day every day until we could think of little else. Finally we became addicts, gobbled up by our all consuming thoughts and cravings.
Now in recovery, we can be something else. We are becoming free of our addiction, and our minds can think about other things. What do we want to think about? What do we want to be?
It's easy to let the noise around us tell us what to think about. At the end of the day, we can end up feeling out of touch with who we are. We've been giving our minds to whatever is on the radio, television, or the gossip grapevine at work or school. That's why it's good to spend part of each day thinking about things we truly think are important and worthwhile.
Prayer for the Day
Higher Power, Help me understand that what I do with my mind and my time is important. What I do with my mind is my inner life. What I do with my time is my outer life. Together they define who I am.
Today's Action
I will think about the way I use my mind and my time today. What feels good and fits for me? Is there anything I want to do differently tomorrow?
You are reading from the book:
Friday, November 21, 2008
365
i celebrate an anniversary today. 365 days - one year - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time. writing every night in my journal - for 365 days i have done it. this past year has been the most rich and rewarding time i have ever experienced in my 43 years on this planet.
something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.
back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.
the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.
i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.
10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.
for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.
it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.
yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:
Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.
back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.
the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.
i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.
10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.
for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.
it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.
yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:
Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
good sport
i have made some connections recently that i want to flesh out a bit. writing helps me to do that, and because i think this might connect with other's stories a bit too i'll blog it instead of journaling it.
my father always wanted a son. i was the first born of two girls and somewhere along the way i understood that if i was ever really going to capture my father's attention it was going to have to be me building the bridge instead of him. my father was born and raised in minnesota, and i remember hearing once on the Prairie Home Companion about minnesota language systems. two farmers standing at a fence at the end of a driveway having a conversation. it's a couple of grunts and hmmmms until a truck goes by and they both become animated talking about whether it was a chevy or a ford and you can't shut them up. minnesota language systems.
my dad was like that. if you got one of his 4-5 pet topics he became animated, interested and engaged. basketball, football, fishing, hunting or trapping. that's it. that's all. he's a man of few words until you engage his language system and then you can't shut him up.
it didn't take me long to realize that when i played sports i got his attention. i was a bright kid, and actually really athletically gifted, so i excelled, and got his attention. two points. literally.
it became my life. each season was filled with either softball, volleyball or basketball and downhill skiing. i was skilled at all and they kept me busy and social and i enjoyed playing on teams.
when i got to high school i became the gym teachers pets. we had two gym teachers. they were an older lesbian couple who adored me. i remember the junior and senior burn outs who had to retake freshman gym hated me because the teachers always picked me as an example or trusted me with responsibility. it was the only time i had any physical altercations. we were playing flag football and they determined to make me hurt. it worked, but somehow, something intervened and it stopped. i'm not sure what, i have no memory of what happened after, but they only picked on me once. i wish i could remember if i stood up to them or if someone came to my rescue, but i remember that i was frightened.
in my junior year of high school i realized that i was really knowledgeable about basketball and by that time i had grown tired of the gym teachers and the basketball coach and i had had our differences. i realized that the boys team was far more interesting than the girls team and decided to start to take stats for the boys varsity team. we were good and ended up taking conference and going to state - and the boys were way more interesting than any of the girls team.
that was the first time i think i realized that most guys weren't interested in a girl who was better than they were at sports. and i was. i kept playing volleyball and was captain my senior year and all conference. it was my favorite sport to play and found co-ed pick up games were great places to meet guys. volleyball players were less threatened by females who could play. and because i was a setter they loved having me around because i made them look really good.
getting to college my first real boyfriend wasn't athletic at all. somehow the guys who always stole my heart were a little awkward and soulful with a bit of the bad boy in them. usually not jocks. anyway, he was terribly threatened by my athletic ability, and while he made the basketball team he really never got to play. i took stats and virtually stopped playing sports. i realized that his 'manhood' (ugh, this is so offensive to me now) was more important to me than my own personhood. and i sacrificed myself.
my second year of college started with me playing sports again as we had broken up that year. he never returned to school and i reinvented myself again. i played volleyball a lot and we had a good co-ed team. unfortunately there was a woman on the team who rubbed me the wrong way and i couldn't stand her. she had some ability, but no training and was so bossy. it was at that time was when i met liam. it was way more fun to be with him, than be bossed around by her, so i left the team.
liam grew up playing soccer, his father was nearly on the irish national soccer team and spent liam's childhood trying to fulfill his missed chance in his sons. it wasn't liam's favorite thing to do, but he was still played it, just not passionately. i was attracted by a man who had no real interest in sports as the thought of living my life watching my husband watch sports had little interest to me.
again i withdrew from all sports because they didn't fit into our social life.
it was then that i started to pack on the weight. you see i never, ever had to diet before. i was always athletic so i could eat anything i wanted (i was a compulsive over eater back then too, i just maintained my weight with exercise. most likely a compulsive exerciser too, which is really what is motivating me to write this post).
liam was a 6'4" twig and could eat like a horse. he had a metabolism like a hummingbird and loved to eat. and wasn't at all bothered by the fact that i did too.
we dated through the last three years of college and i became heavier and heavier. there were a few times we had broken up and i realized that i was never going to get another man looking like i was, so i began to run again, and skip meals and starve myself (never really dieting though) and got back into shape, dated casually, messed around and then found myself back with liam when school started the next year.
we were married the september after graduation and then we both began the slow, consistent climb up in weight. it happens to so many. it really happened to us. food was comforting and times were tough. i've blogged through much of that if you care to look it up in my archives.
anyway, what brings me to this place is that i realized that i had demonized exercise and sports in my mind. because they were linked to my father and attention i had determined that i was never, ever going to try to earn again by being athletic and loosing weight (oh my weight has always been a burden for my father - he always tried to tempt me by promising me the reward of buying me a whole new wardrobe when i got to my "goal weight" as he put it - it messed with my mind and my self acceptance and any acceptance from him).
these past few months liam and i have both found a really good place with food. making friends with empty, buck's diabetes, regular meals and recovery have all come together to slow, permanent changes that have had an incredible impact on our bodies. i sit here typing in size 14 jeans. i am astounded. i haven't been in size 14 clothes since i was in junior high.
i haven't weighed myself in over six months and don't really care what the scale would say. i am only eating meals and eating healthier, not strict, and i am enjoying my food, not shaming myself and not limiting myself, except for the trigger foods that i've avoided for years.
the other night at our small group there was a verse in psalms that someone read about 'god lifting up your head' - and it reminded me of my junior high years. i spent 90% of junior high looking at the floor. i remember little snips from those times, walking through the mall, me 20' in front of my parents and my father muttering things like "does she think she's too good for us? does she think she doesn't have parents? does she think if she stares at her chest all the time it will grow?, etc..."
i shared with the group that the shame i carried through those years made it impossible to look anyone in the eye. my sexual addiction, eating disorder, shame from the abuse and introversion made it impossible. hanging my head was the only way i knew to move through public.
and then i said these words "it was only sports that helped me to break through that" - oh. my. gosh.
really?
i had never consciously realized that - how i said it out loud i'll never know. but it was the truth. instead of sports being a manipulative way for my father to give me attention they were the very tool god used to raise my head.
wow.
what a change in perspective.
so today was the first time in years that i got my butt on a bicycle. i went for a bike ride today. i don't know where this will lead. i don't know what form exercise and athletics will begin to take in my life, but i know that i don't want to be a lethargic couch potato any more. but i have to admit i am afraid.
nothing with my addict soul is ever simple. i really don't want to be at all compulsive in this area of my life either. i know that if i am avoiding emotions and life by exercising, while physically healthier than watching television, it is not emotionally or spiritually healthier if i am doing it compulsively.
i've always joked that i'm compulsive about everything, except cleaning and exercise. i really don't think i can honestly say that any more. now it's just cleaning. in taking my OA inventory i had to admit that i hadn't dieted compulsively, but had maintained my addiction with exercise.
in everything balance. god help me to find it please.
my father always wanted a son. i was the first born of two girls and somewhere along the way i understood that if i was ever really going to capture my father's attention it was going to have to be me building the bridge instead of him. my father was born and raised in minnesota, and i remember hearing once on the Prairie Home Companion about minnesota language systems. two farmers standing at a fence at the end of a driveway having a conversation. it's a couple of grunts and hmmmms until a truck goes by and they both become animated talking about whether it was a chevy or a ford and you can't shut them up. minnesota language systems.
my dad was like that. if you got one of his 4-5 pet topics he became animated, interested and engaged. basketball, football, fishing, hunting or trapping. that's it. that's all. he's a man of few words until you engage his language system and then you can't shut him up.
it didn't take me long to realize that when i played sports i got his attention. i was a bright kid, and actually really athletically gifted, so i excelled, and got his attention. two points. literally.
it became my life. each season was filled with either softball, volleyball or basketball and downhill skiing. i was skilled at all and they kept me busy and social and i enjoyed playing on teams.
when i got to high school i became the gym teachers pets. we had two gym teachers. they were an older lesbian couple who adored me. i remember the junior and senior burn outs who had to retake freshman gym hated me because the teachers always picked me as an example or trusted me with responsibility. it was the only time i had any physical altercations. we were playing flag football and they determined to make me hurt. it worked, but somehow, something intervened and it stopped. i'm not sure what, i have no memory of what happened after, but they only picked on me once. i wish i could remember if i stood up to them or if someone came to my rescue, but i remember that i was frightened.
in my junior year of high school i realized that i was really knowledgeable about basketball and by that time i had grown tired of the gym teachers and the basketball coach and i had had our differences. i realized that the boys team was far more interesting than the girls team and decided to start to take stats for the boys varsity team. we were good and ended up taking conference and going to state - and the boys were way more interesting than any of the girls team.
that was the first time i think i realized that most guys weren't interested in a girl who was better than they were at sports. and i was. i kept playing volleyball and was captain my senior year and all conference. it was my favorite sport to play and found co-ed pick up games were great places to meet guys. volleyball players were less threatened by females who could play. and because i was a setter they loved having me around because i made them look really good.
getting to college my first real boyfriend wasn't athletic at all. somehow the guys who always stole my heart were a little awkward and soulful with a bit of the bad boy in them. usually not jocks. anyway, he was terribly threatened by my athletic ability, and while he made the basketball team he really never got to play. i took stats and virtually stopped playing sports. i realized that his 'manhood' (ugh, this is so offensive to me now) was more important to me than my own personhood. and i sacrificed myself.
my second year of college started with me playing sports again as we had broken up that year. he never returned to school and i reinvented myself again. i played volleyball a lot and we had a good co-ed team. unfortunately there was a woman on the team who rubbed me the wrong way and i couldn't stand her. she had some ability, but no training and was so bossy. it was at that time was when i met liam. it was way more fun to be with him, than be bossed around by her, so i left the team.
liam grew up playing soccer, his father was nearly on the irish national soccer team and spent liam's childhood trying to fulfill his missed chance in his sons. it wasn't liam's favorite thing to do, but he was still played it, just not passionately. i was attracted by a man who had no real interest in sports as the thought of living my life watching my husband watch sports had little interest to me.
again i withdrew from all sports because they didn't fit into our social life.
it was then that i started to pack on the weight. you see i never, ever had to diet before. i was always athletic so i could eat anything i wanted (i was a compulsive over eater back then too, i just maintained my weight with exercise. most likely a compulsive exerciser too, which is really what is motivating me to write this post).
liam was a 6'4" twig and could eat like a horse. he had a metabolism like a hummingbird and loved to eat. and wasn't at all bothered by the fact that i did too.
we dated through the last three years of college and i became heavier and heavier. there were a few times we had broken up and i realized that i was never going to get another man looking like i was, so i began to run again, and skip meals and starve myself (never really dieting though) and got back into shape, dated casually, messed around and then found myself back with liam when school started the next year.
we were married the september after graduation and then we both began the slow, consistent climb up in weight. it happens to so many. it really happened to us. food was comforting and times were tough. i've blogged through much of that if you care to look it up in my archives.
anyway, what brings me to this place is that i realized that i had demonized exercise and sports in my mind. because they were linked to my father and attention i had determined that i was never, ever going to try to earn again by being athletic and loosing weight (oh my weight has always been a burden for my father - he always tried to tempt me by promising me the reward of buying me a whole new wardrobe when i got to my "goal weight" as he put it - it messed with my mind and my self acceptance and any acceptance from him).
these past few months liam and i have both found a really good place with food. making friends with empty, buck's diabetes, regular meals and recovery have all come together to slow, permanent changes that have had an incredible impact on our bodies. i sit here typing in size 14 jeans. i am astounded. i haven't been in size 14 clothes since i was in junior high.
i haven't weighed myself in over six months and don't really care what the scale would say. i am only eating meals and eating healthier, not strict, and i am enjoying my food, not shaming myself and not limiting myself, except for the trigger foods that i've avoided for years.
the other night at our small group there was a verse in psalms that someone read about 'god lifting up your head' - and it reminded me of my junior high years. i spent 90% of junior high looking at the floor. i remember little snips from those times, walking through the mall, me 20' in front of my parents and my father muttering things like "does she think she's too good for us? does she think she doesn't have parents? does she think if she stares at her chest all the time it will grow?, etc..."
i shared with the group that the shame i carried through those years made it impossible to look anyone in the eye. my sexual addiction, eating disorder, shame from the abuse and introversion made it impossible. hanging my head was the only way i knew to move through public.
and then i said these words "it was only sports that helped me to break through that" - oh. my. gosh.
really?
i had never consciously realized that - how i said it out loud i'll never know. but it was the truth. instead of sports being a manipulative way for my father to give me attention they were the very tool god used to raise my head.
wow.
what a change in perspective.
so today was the first time in years that i got my butt on a bicycle. i went for a bike ride today. i don't know where this will lead. i don't know what form exercise and athletics will begin to take in my life, but i know that i don't want to be a lethargic couch potato any more. but i have to admit i am afraid.
nothing with my addict soul is ever simple. i really don't want to be at all compulsive in this area of my life either. i know that if i am avoiding emotions and life by exercising, while physically healthier than watching television, it is not emotionally or spiritually healthier if i am doing it compulsively.
i've always joked that i'm compulsive about everything, except cleaning and exercise. i really don't think i can honestly say that any more. now it's just cleaning. in taking my OA inventory i had to admit that i hadn't dieted compulsively, but had maintained my addiction with exercise.
in everything balance. god help me to find it please.
Friday, April 11, 2008
trigger happy
talked with our friend hope yesterday (for 98 minutes! thank god for unlimited long distance calling!) - i really need it. i have been in the dumps for the past couple of weeks, unable to shake things and even more unable to figure out why. it has all turned my nose into a brand new compulsive behavior that i have had a dickens of a time setting aside.
rarely can i set things aside unless i can understand them. i knew that i hadn't figured out what was driving me to this new obsession and until i did it wouldn't loose it's hold over me. i'm so embarrassed to even type out what it is. isn't that insane? i can talk about being raped here, my sexual addiction and my rock-bottom compulsive overeating behaviors like drinking cake mix while hiding between my counter and fridge - but i just can't seem to own up to the fact that i have been SUCKED into the deep world of role playing games. ugh. there, i said it. i am so embarrassed...
i have been coping by avoiding life by being a kick ass warrior princess in another world. she has little pink pig tails and a lightning bolt strike that takes out the meanest of monsters. her name is flutterbye and i love her. she has become this alter ego that is so productive, capable and needs no one. the purpose of this game is to work with other types of characters to build a team that can work together to overcome challenges. i on the other hand enjoy working alone and solving the story quests and exploring the vast towns, islands and story. it's brilliant, beautifully illustrated and so dang fun.
but i have neglected so very much because of it. i have withdrawn, knowing the whole time i was doing so, slightly veiling my involvement as helping my son to level up, but knowing consciously that it was virtual crack for my wounded soul.
i have talked about it with a few friends, hope being one of them and i tried during the times when i was clear headed enough (and not obsessing with the damn game) to understand what was pushing my nose into it. i wasn't having much luck. that's really the problem when we loose serenity - we need the serenity to figure out why we have lost the serenity we once had - so talking to someone who has serenity yesterday gave me a lot of the clarity and encouragement i so desperately needed. this is why recovery is a community. because sometimes i am strong and helping others, but so many times i am weak and need help myself. bearing each others burdens in the most beautiful way. not solving each other's problems, just sharing our experience, strength and hope - i heard the clarity and serenity in hope's words and knew all that i had traded for the dumb game.
but why? why had i given it away? i knew it was shame. i knew i was loaded with it, but i couldn't understand what it was that had caused it.
i mentioned in the meme that one of my bad habits is replaying social situations to the point of paranoia (not clinical, just your average, garden variety type of paranoia...) :) - in talking with hope i was able to reconstruct an event that gave me the clue to the big ah-ha. we have a small group with about 5 other couples. we pot-luck friday night dinner and share life together afterward. our kids play in the other room and we have really built a safe place to be together.
social interactions and community is difficult for me. i usually over share to create false intimacy, i withdraw and isolate in fear, i judge and feel judged and create a real mess for my introverted self. well this was going well - i had said at the first time we were together how scared i was and how difficult this was for me and it was well received and i had been so good about not oversharing, but being open when it was appropriate. we were really feeling like a community.
i realized when talking with hope that the one night when liam wasn't there i found myself the center of a lot of male attention and i reveled in it - and i finally realized that i had been flirting. nothing overtly sexual, but i was definitely flirting and enjoying the attention.
damn. number 4 on my bad habit list is shaming myself - and jumping ahead of myself on behavior. innocent flirting created a lot of shame in me and i jumped ahead and labeled myself a whore and was convinced that all that i feared about myself was true. i needed to put back on the 65 lbs. i had lost because i was not fit to be in public and community at the size i was now because it/i was just too dangerous...
i never said any of these things out loud or even really acknowledged them, but deep inside i knew that was what i was believing to be reality. my program saved me from myself and i didn't eat myself back into a binge, but i found a NEW AND EXCITING addiction to relieve me from myself and place me smack dab in a world that i could CONTROL. damn.
one of the things hope said yesterday (correct me here if i'm not verbalizing it like you did hope) was that when we are triggered we shouldn't be ashamed, triggers just show us parts of ourselves that aren't healed yet.
wow.
the jumping ahead of myself i do had me falling into adultery when all i really did was revel in attention and seek out some more of it. i realized that it wasn't at all sexual (like i had shamed myself into thinking), but just that plain old missing father love that i was looking for. male attention is a gaping wound in my soul and it just felt so very good to have people asking me how i was and really caring about my answer, being interested in my brain and what i had to contribute and not having it be about them, but just me. revelatory.
as i processed all of this with liam this a.m. over breakfast i told him that hope also told me that one day i'd be able to affirm myself in the ways i felt i needed others to affirm me. i told him that i joked with hope and said "when did you get so wise?" - i then said to him that i wanted to go to rehab. was there anyplace that would take such a messy person and help them regain the serenity they had lost? he said maybe there should be a place called "me-hab" - that made us laugh. and then i realized i had that already. i just wasn't taking advantage of it anymore. so i need to spend some time in me-hab today.
like the ah-ha that making empty my friend brought to me, changing the perspective on the triggers - making them clues and red flags for healing, instead of reminders of shame and fears will make all the difference. thus the title of this post - i don't know that i will ever get to that point of being happy to be triggered, but if i can use them as tools, i know that i will definitely be more happy, joyous and free.
rarely can i set things aside unless i can understand them. i knew that i hadn't figured out what was driving me to this new obsession and until i did it wouldn't loose it's hold over me. i'm so embarrassed to even type out what it is. isn't that insane? i can talk about being raped here, my sexual addiction and my rock-bottom compulsive overeating behaviors like drinking cake mix while hiding between my counter and fridge - but i just can't seem to own up to the fact that i have been SUCKED into the deep world of role playing games. ugh. there, i said it. i am so embarrassed...
i have been coping by avoiding life by being a kick ass warrior princess in another world. she has little pink pig tails and a lightning bolt strike that takes out the meanest of monsters. her name is flutterbye and i love her. she has become this alter ego that is so productive, capable and needs no one. the purpose of this game is to work with other types of characters to build a team that can work together to overcome challenges. i on the other hand enjoy working alone and solving the story quests and exploring the vast towns, islands and story. it's brilliant, beautifully illustrated and so dang fun.
but i have neglected so very much because of it. i have withdrawn, knowing the whole time i was doing so, slightly veiling my involvement as helping my son to level up, but knowing consciously that it was virtual crack for my wounded soul.
i have talked about it with a few friends, hope being one of them and i tried during the times when i was clear headed enough (and not obsessing with the damn game) to understand what was pushing my nose into it. i wasn't having much luck. that's really the problem when we loose serenity - we need the serenity to figure out why we have lost the serenity we once had - so talking to someone who has serenity yesterday gave me a lot of the clarity and encouragement i so desperately needed. this is why recovery is a community. because sometimes i am strong and helping others, but so many times i am weak and need help myself. bearing each others burdens in the most beautiful way. not solving each other's problems, just sharing our experience, strength and hope - i heard the clarity and serenity in hope's words and knew all that i had traded for the dumb game.
but why? why had i given it away? i knew it was shame. i knew i was loaded with it, but i couldn't understand what it was that had caused it.
i mentioned in the meme that one of my bad habits is replaying social situations to the point of paranoia (not clinical, just your average, garden variety type of paranoia...) :) - in talking with hope i was able to reconstruct an event that gave me the clue to the big ah-ha. we have a small group with about 5 other couples. we pot-luck friday night dinner and share life together afterward. our kids play in the other room and we have really built a safe place to be together.
social interactions and community is difficult for me. i usually over share to create false intimacy, i withdraw and isolate in fear, i judge and feel judged and create a real mess for my introverted self. well this was going well - i had said at the first time we were together how scared i was and how difficult this was for me and it was well received and i had been so good about not oversharing, but being open when it was appropriate. we were really feeling like a community.
i realized when talking with hope that the one night when liam wasn't there i found myself the center of a lot of male attention and i reveled in it - and i finally realized that i had been flirting. nothing overtly sexual, but i was definitely flirting and enjoying the attention.
damn. number 4 on my bad habit list is shaming myself - and jumping ahead of myself on behavior. innocent flirting created a lot of shame in me and i jumped ahead and labeled myself a whore and was convinced that all that i feared about myself was true. i needed to put back on the 65 lbs. i had lost because i was not fit to be in public and community at the size i was now because it/i was just too dangerous...
i never said any of these things out loud or even really acknowledged them, but deep inside i knew that was what i was believing to be reality. my program saved me from myself and i didn't eat myself back into a binge, but i found a NEW AND EXCITING addiction to relieve me from myself and place me smack dab in a world that i could CONTROL. damn.
one of the things hope said yesterday (correct me here if i'm not verbalizing it like you did hope) was that when we are triggered we shouldn't be ashamed, triggers just show us parts of ourselves that aren't healed yet.
wow.
the jumping ahead of myself i do had me falling into adultery when all i really did was revel in attention and seek out some more of it. i realized that it wasn't at all sexual (like i had shamed myself into thinking), but just that plain old missing father love that i was looking for. male attention is a gaping wound in my soul and it just felt so very good to have people asking me how i was and really caring about my answer, being interested in my brain and what i had to contribute and not having it be about them, but just me. revelatory.
as i processed all of this with liam this a.m. over breakfast i told him that hope also told me that one day i'd be able to affirm myself in the ways i felt i needed others to affirm me. i told him that i joked with hope and said "when did you get so wise?" - i then said to him that i wanted to go to rehab. was there anyplace that would take such a messy person and help them regain the serenity they had lost? he said maybe there should be a place called "me-hab" - that made us laugh. and then i realized i had that already. i just wasn't taking advantage of it anymore. so i need to spend some time in me-hab today.
like the ah-ha that making empty my friend brought to me, changing the perspective on the triggers - making them clues and red flags for healing, instead of reminders of shame and fears will make all the difference. thus the title of this post - i don't know that i will ever get to that point of being happy to be triggered, but if i can use them as tools, i know that i will definitely be more happy, joyous and free.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
silver linings
i have been flat lately. remember when i said that i stood on the edge of the ocean in february and screamed "ha winter, it's february and i'm beach combing! you didn't get me!"?? well it was like winter took that as a challenge and reached out a long arm, scooped me up and said "wanna bet?"
ugh.
these past few months have been hard. some wonderful bright spots, but they just don't seem to push me forward, i enjoy them and then stall again. stalled. that is exactly how i feel.
my sponsoree K is wonderful. we have really come to have a great friendship, one that i cherish deeply. she is really good at finding silver linings. little comments that help me see things from a different perspective.
in talking last night with my sponsor i had a different perspective fall on me. i told her that even though this season has been difficult, we are being present to the yucky emotions that sickness, death and winter has brought on - i am not eating them or stuffing them, but sitting with them - and (here's the ah-ha) i realized that my program is working. i might be on auto-pilot some of the time, but my food plan, my daily routine and my tools are doing the hard work for me because in the good times i have worked my program. that felt really good. so that's my silver lining for today. what's yours?
ugh.
these past few months have been hard. some wonderful bright spots, but they just don't seem to push me forward, i enjoy them and then stall again. stalled. that is exactly how i feel.
my sponsoree K is wonderful. we have really come to have a great friendship, one that i cherish deeply. she is really good at finding silver linings. little comments that help me see things from a different perspective.
in talking last night with my sponsor i had a different perspective fall on me. i told her that even though this season has been difficult, we are being present to the yucky emotions that sickness, death and winter has brought on - i am not eating them or stuffing them, but sitting with them - and (here's the ah-ha) i realized that my program is working. i might be on auto-pilot some of the time, but my food plan, my daily routine and my tools are doing the hard work for me because in the good times i have worked my program. that felt really good. so that's my silver lining for today. what's yours?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
manufacturing misery
manufacturing misery.
can you just see lucy & ethel working at the factory as it pours off the assembly line? more misery, coming right up. manufacturing misery. i heard that line at the OA retreat and it rang like a gong in my head.
it's taken from the AA big book on pg. 133:
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.
brilliant.
liam and i have known each other for 25 years now and i have coined a phrase that describes a behavior he has - i call it "precasting" - it is the tendency to decide in advance how someone will respond to a situation so as to excuse yourself of having to follow through on a confrontation, conversation or interaction. it is mental gymnastics at the olympic level. and it looks so much like manufacturing misery.
in my own life this looks like the paranoia i have after interactions in public and my community. i rehash and replay every word i uttered, every interplay that happened and rake myself over the coals of regret and shame sure that everyone at the event is laughing at me and talking behind my back. i manufacture misery in costco size boxes.
Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.
our daughter pink teaches me so much about myself in watching her navigate through middle school. i see her fears, watch her insecurities and struggles and find myself in and amongst her pain. poor lamb. the journey to womanhood isn't easy at all - but for those of us who are introverts with very little self confidence it is excruciating and lonely.
i can see how she holds back in social situations, i can read the anxiety on her face at youth group. will they include me? will i fit in? will i be able to bring myself to walk up to the group of girls who seem so able and become one of the group? i feel her pain. i know that even today those same thoughts and fears run through my head as i am faced with the need to meet and greet and make small talk when i would rather sit quietly with a book and ignore them all.
i hear pink speak of "mean girls" - but when i ask her how they are mean she is unable to explain behaviors. i have seen the girls she so longs to be friends with, and it's not that they exclude her, it's more that she doesn't know how to join in. she projects much of her own fears and rejection of herself onto them when they really aren't behaving in a way that is mean or cruel (now please, i know girls can be mean, especially in middle school) but i wonder if much of the angst of the pre-teen years isn't a manufacturing of misery based on our own awkwardness and insecurities?
how do i do this in my own life? how can i learn how not to create the misery that i am so afraid of? how can i teach it to her?
i don't have answers, but am starting to pull at the edges of this tangle. i so want to be happy, joyous, and free, don't you?
can you just see lucy & ethel working at the factory as it pours off the assembly line? more misery, coming right up. manufacturing misery. i heard that line at the OA retreat and it rang like a gong in my head.
it's taken from the AA big book on pg. 133:
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.
brilliant.
liam and i have known each other for 25 years now and i have coined a phrase that describes a behavior he has - i call it "precasting" - it is the tendency to decide in advance how someone will respond to a situation so as to excuse yourself of having to follow through on a confrontation, conversation or interaction. it is mental gymnastics at the olympic level. and it looks so much like manufacturing misery.
in my own life this looks like the paranoia i have after interactions in public and my community. i rehash and replay every word i uttered, every interplay that happened and rake myself over the coals of regret and shame sure that everyone at the event is laughing at me and talking behind my back. i manufacture misery in costco size boxes.
Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.
our daughter pink teaches me so much about myself in watching her navigate through middle school. i see her fears, watch her insecurities and struggles and find myself in and amongst her pain. poor lamb. the journey to womanhood isn't easy at all - but for those of us who are introverts with very little self confidence it is excruciating and lonely.
i can see how she holds back in social situations, i can read the anxiety on her face at youth group. will they include me? will i fit in? will i be able to bring myself to walk up to the group of girls who seem so able and become one of the group? i feel her pain. i know that even today those same thoughts and fears run through my head as i am faced with the need to meet and greet and make small talk when i would rather sit quietly with a book and ignore them all.
i hear pink speak of "mean girls" - but when i ask her how they are mean she is unable to explain behaviors. i have seen the girls she so longs to be friends with, and it's not that they exclude her, it's more that she doesn't know how to join in. she projects much of her own fears and rejection of herself onto them when they really aren't behaving in a way that is mean or cruel (now please, i know girls can be mean, especially in middle school) but i wonder if much of the angst of the pre-teen years isn't a manufacturing of misery based on our own awkwardness and insecurities?
how do i do this in my own life? how can i learn how not to create the misery that i am so afraid of? how can i teach it to her?
i don't have answers, but am starting to pull at the edges of this tangle. i so want to be happy, joyous, and free, don't you?
Monday, March 17, 2008
i have a sponsor!!
the retreat was amazing - the three of us connected so deeply and on so many levels. it was just what we all needed. and i also found a sponsor. just got off the phone with her and we told our stories. she's 3 hours away, but i am happy to talk on the phone and email.
off to bed, see ya!
off to bed, see ya!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
liam's dad update
well, the information we were given yesterday wasn't nearly as desperate as we were made to believe. it's still really bad, but not urgent. we're relieved. liam was included in the "family meeting" with the doctors via conference call and i think it helped a lot to hear the real information and to hear about options.
there are lesions on the lungs, biopsy to follow, plus CT & bone scans to see if it's spread to head/stomach/bones. they aren't optomistic that it will be anything but cancer. he smoked for 3/4's of his life and worked in a steel mill that whole time too. it has always been his greatest fear, unfortunately the five years he's avoided the doctor have probably been the years he could have gotten treatment to actually beat this. it's probably past treatment stage, and he's so weak and sick now that it probably would be long in coming.
i prayed for clarity today and felt that it was received.
i am still able to go to my oa retreat this weekend and am so happy about that as 3 of us are going together. can't wait!! i really need this break, especially after this, and march break. i'm always a better mom/woman/wife/person after this kind of getaway and they have been few and far between since we started our masters degree.
thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. we really appreciate it.
there are lesions on the lungs, biopsy to follow, plus CT & bone scans to see if it's spread to head/stomach/bones. they aren't optomistic that it will be anything but cancer. he smoked for 3/4's of his life and worked in a steel mill that whole time too. it has always been his greatest fear, unfortunately the five years he's avoided the doctor have probably been the years he could have gotten treatment to actually beat this. it's probably past treatment stage, and he's so weak and sick now that it probably would be long in coming.
i prayed for clarity today and felt that it was received.
i am still able to go to my oa retreat this weekend and am so happy about that as 3 of us are going together. can't wait!! i really need this break, especially after this, and march break. i'm always a better mom/woman/wife/person after this kind of getaway and they have been few and far between since we started our masters degree.
thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. we really appreciate it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
3 great recovery quotes
got these yesterday from 'the wisdom of the rooms' and i thought they were such nuggets, too good to keep to yourself!
"The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."
"Do you want to save your ass or your face",
and finally:
Someone once said that he only needed one meeting a week, but went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be.
"The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."
"Do you want to save your ass or your face",
and finally:
Someone once said that he only needed one meeting a week, but went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be.
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