day 12 - death of the wish dream

"The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community, the better for both. A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattered, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. Sooner or later it will collapse. Every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of a community more that the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial." Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

i realized the other day this is truly what i am grieving - the death of THE wish dream, yes, the death of my own wish dreams, but the fact that ALL wish dreams must die... i just can't seem to stomach a world or a church, or a community where it's all just the nitty, gritty of life - and no hope for something grand, something whole, something that changes everything. i know that my wish dream of community, that group that met weekly needed to die, it was unhealthy and could have even become an idol of sorts, it makes me sad, but i can grieve that and move on. it's the death of the large hope, the big, glorious picture that i just can't seem to be able to stomach...

i realized also that this coincided with the death of my calling. i know that the two were linked somehow. i feel adrift, purposeless. as discouraged as i was after leaving bible college, being told that the fields were ripe for harvest and liam and i banging our heads on the door of every ministry we could find over and over and over again, a whole decade of disappointment and rejection.

i had such big dreams, such high hopes, so MANY ideas... but as DB says, better to be shattered, to be disillusioned, because god forbid, community couldn't bear it... but i don't know why. this echos the cry of my heart from yesterday - why isn't god big enough for this? why couldn't he dream bigger NOW, yeah, i get it, kingdom come... blah, blah, blah... but my wish dream was real and was going to feed people, and teach them better, healthier ways to be in THIS world, right NOW. so instead i collapse instead of community. okay, you win.

i have a dream...

well, a vision more than a dream. i don't know if this will be a return to blogging, but i needed to get these thoughts out in a safe place or my head will definitely explode.

i just had the most exciting meeting in my life. i know that could be hyperbole, but i don't think it is. i have dreamed of figuring out what i'm supposed to do in this community, and i think i just cleared the first real hurdle to finding out what that might be.

one of the ways my mind works is that when i hear about problems i begin to think about them to see if someone's problem might be someone else's solution. a few weeks ago i heard that the catholic churches in our community are being consolidated. each and every day i look out my kitchen window i see one of those churches. i began to think that possibly, just possibly their problem was my solution. i know that i will never have such an opportunity in my life to pioneer something like i do right now. we don't rely on me to provide any income at the moment, and i know it's time to begin to make myself more useful outside of the house. i think it is the ideal time to start something.

i have been praying long and hard to figure out what that something is. so many of my conversations lately have been with people about "next" and what it might be. today i met with a man who influences this discussion and i was heard, honored and encouraged. it was such a god appointment. so much fun and so life giving.

i think it might be possible that my solution to their problem just might be a real god answer to both of our paths. i can hardly believe it really could move to the next level. i have never stepped out like this before and not gotten my toes chopped off. to have firm ground under my feet feels really good.

i sent erin an email in response to something she sent me and said "PRAY" - she wrote back and said "how can you do this and do a house too?" i forgot to blog that after the financial crunch hit that beginning a mortgage seemed like a really dumb idea - so unless god gives us a home i think we'll keep our options open. (although i did just get a tour of the parish house today and it would suit our needs beautifully...)

anyway - i am putting together the beginnings of a proposal for monday and eventually hope to be giving that proposal to the local bishop. i found out today that the women's shelter in our community used to be a nunnery - and that it is leased from the catholic church for $1.00/year. that's the kind of miracle i'm hoping for here. any prayers, advice or encouragement on this would be appreciated. our community is in desperate need of a place where all are welcome and that can give life and stability to many. it is my vision that this might be that kind of place. thanks for listening.

5 things you don't know about me

my favorite irishman across the pond tagged me for the 5 things you don't know about me meme.

and on this blog where you all know so very much about me i think it might be difficult to find 5 whole things you don't know.... hmmmmm...

1. it is my deepest dream and aspiration to feed the hungry. i fantasize about a ministry that begins with a soup kitchen (gosh i hate that term) and a food bank (another limiting term) here in our community that is run so well that it can be duplicated in small towns and cities across north america (and elsewhere if they want it). i pitched my idea to tony campolo 3 years ago and he liked it so much he invited me to eastern to study and begin my project. i have furnaced this idea for over 5 years and it ties together every job i've ever had, every financial struggle we've gone through and redeems all of it. it is the desire of my heart and i just can't figure out how to get from here to there...

2. following si's lead (who wants a sinus transplant) - i want a skin transplant. i have severe rosacia and adult acne that scars far too easily, it can be masked by cosmetics, but i loathe them and miss the days (pre-baby) of my peaches and cream (what my mother used to call it) complexion. i dream about contacting someone like oprah who wants to do a show on REALLY BAD SKIN and get some new dermatological wonder treatment i could never afford.

3. i have visions. not all of the time, but about 3-5 times a year i am given intense images that usually explain something very important in my life or community. liam is the only person i've really ever told about it. i am in a community now that would be open to them, but it is so strange to me that i still doubt them. the most important one i've ever had was last year at this time when i saw a long, back lit hallway, and there was this person walking down it very slowly. the closer the person got the more i could see why they were walking so slowly. they were dragging their left leg, and their left shoulder was dropping and as they came closer to me i realized that their left arm was deformed and twisted.

as they got closer still i could see it was a man, the light started to hit his face and somehow i knew it was jesus. he had a stroke and the whole left side of his body was paralyzed. he kept walking toward me and got about a foot away from me, the dropping face deformed, spittle running off the side of the mis-shapen lips and i looked into his eyes and a tear ran down the right side of his face.

when i looked into his eyes i knew that this was a picture of the body of christ. the church, that one half of it is paralyzed from fulfilling it's full potential and it broke his heart. it moved me so deeply i cried for days.

see, that's why i don't tell anyone.

4. wow, this has gotten really heavy... so i need to think of something more light-hearted... i love to sing, and have a pretty big range, but i have no ability to harmonize. i am a follow. when someone stands next to me i follow every lilt and note they sing instead of what i'm supposed to sing myself...

5. i am a dumpster diver. my hubby calls it 'shopping at curby's' and i just plain old call it garbage picking. my house is literally FILLED with unique finds that i re-purpose and reuse and they are mine (and the ones i get most compliments on) and i love them. my favorite piece is a cool old dresser that the paint is all chipped off of (i've sanded it) and we've removed 2 of the drawers and it holds our t.v. everyone who sees it wants one. i guess it's part of that redemption process that thrills my heart.

so there - those are my five things... i can't believe i told you that stuff, i just couldn't figure out what else you didn't know... :) thank you si - it was fun to play!

i tag hope, claudia mair, erin, deb and connie

i need pictures

i my last post 'i need words' i was finding it hard to put into words why i'm struggling so lately. i've been coasting and feeling guilty about it. many of you reminded me that it's okay to coast sometimes, but i knew in my soul i was treading into a danger zone and my serenity was busted.

what i didn't realize was that i didn't need words as much as i needed pictures. this morning in the wee hours while laying in bed i was given two images/visions/metaphors that have helped me put how i'm feeling into a bigger picture.

the first one was a large teeter-totter (it had to be large because liam and i were on it!) he at one end and i at the other. in between us there was this gigantic, cumbersome ball - not smooth or sleek - this ball was knotted, twisted and put together from lots of different bits. it almost looked like a huge rubberband ball, but with bits of floss, string and knots added in.

liam was rising to the top and that huge ball started to head toward me as i crashed to the bottom of the "totter". not only did i have to deal with the one being 'down' i had this massive ball rolling toward me.

i don't know if this is true in any other marriages (co-dependency?) but there is this large mass of psychic energy (not like 'psychic-network psychic - but all of the unsaid, unwound, undealt with gunk that floats in our lives) that swirls in our relationship. somehow only one of us can be healthy (emotionally and physically, maybe even spiritually) at a time. it is very, very rare that we are actually BOTH working our programs and not having to shoulder this massive ball of mixed up, unwound junk.

i don't know if this is at all clear - but it helped me loads... i confronted liam a couple of weeks ago (since he preached...) that things were off kilter again. he was finding too much of himself 'out there' instead of the centered man i had come to know in the past couple of months. he heard me (gosh he is so gracious) and did a u-turn. he started doing his pages again and got organized at work and really has restored what had started slipping away. (yes, i know it was extremely co-dependent of me to feel it was my responsibility to do so, and that is part of the core of the problem...)

i am now the one who isn't writing, who is slipping in her program, who isn't 'THE HEALTHY ONE'... i am shouldering the 'ball' and feeling the weight of the unexamined life. HA! it feels like i've been given a key, or at least motivation! balance is so crucial in my/our life. i have been pouting this week because i haven't been able to participate in much of the festivities this week here in town (cocoa - don't want to blog the name here because it's too easy to find...). feeling left out and alone while everyone else gets to go play with 'the devil'. it just triggered far too much.

so instead of being sad today while they do all of the 'fun stuff' i am going to enjoy my re-arranged altar, light some candles and spend some much needed time alone with god, my journal and the guide i've been using (so very slowly...). it might not restore all of the balance, but it will give me some centering time.

the second image i was given was of a piece of bread floating on the water. it was so calm, so peaceful - and then fish started coming up and picking at it, ducks and gulls flew in and started to peck at it - and parts of it were disappearing and holes were starting to appear.

a soggy, floating, picked apart piece of bread... that's how i feel. i've said 'yes' to too many things that are nebulous and undefined lately. all good things, but i have no clear understanding of what i'm supposed to be doing to help. assisting a friend launch a huge new program at the university, taking a casual job as a personal assistant to a computer/blogging whiz here in town, editing a book of a good friend, committing to the south africa trip and all of it's fund-raising necessities - all very undefined parameters. there just isn't enough of 'me' to go around.

then there are the realities of life. my roles as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece are all coming into play:

• as i ready my kids (and myself & husband) for school in 25 days (YAY!!)
• the unbalanced role i play helping liam with his job
• my children have morphed into tweens before my eyes this summer and i am rejoicing/grieving the changes without the time to truly do so
• my sister and her husband were in the horrible mess of the flooding, he is jobless, his unemployment checks have just ended and now he has injured himself on his 4-wheeler so he is unable to work - she is as physically unhealthy as she's ever been and they are now considering going on welfare to get through this (while living on the tippy top of a mountain with their 10 mo. old daughter (off the grid... how do you haul water and wood to prepare for winter when you have crushed a vertebrae in your back???)
• my father and favorite aunt will be here in 6 days for TWO WEEKS in our lovely efficient apartment - which for the four of us works well - but for SIX of us it will need to be an orchestration of grace and energy.
  
• all during my favorite TIME OF THE MONTH... sigh.
  

well - i guess i needed to list all of that out more than you probably had to read it - but it has helped me to see why i'm feeling so pecked at and pulled apart. i take on far too much responsibility (even without being asked to do so) than i should for each and every one of these things, but they just creep up on me, pecking away at my energy and soul. i guess i have let my boundaries get really soggy in all of this somehow... why is it that we can't see this happen? wouldn't it be amazing if we had flags that popped up to remind us that we are allowing these things to happen? i guess that is why we (I) need serenity and the clarity that recovery brings to see those psychic red flags that are there, but i'm just too clouded to see them...

thanks for reading, i really needed to get these word pictures out of my head and process them a bit 'on paper'. blessings on your day!

trip the light fantastic

where to start? it was a really good week, exhausting, but really good. the youth (30 of ours - 5000 others!) were incredible and well behaved, so that made our job much easier. the worship was probably the most amazing that i've ever participated in before.

2 years ago at the last convention god met me there is such a big way, i'll have to blog about that at a different time, but i had a vision, and it's the only the second time i have ever had one and it left me with high expectations and lots of pressure for this week. i attended each time of worship with bated breath, almost challenging god to show up, and that kind of attitude usually backfires.

on wednesday i was getting discouraged and just hoping and praying for a big revelation or moving experience. you see i wasn't raised with any type of a showy god. things were all about the mind, all about the learning. it's only been in the past 5 years that i have even allowed god to 'show up' in my life. i hate to think of all of the times he did before that and i missed it because my mind was so closed.

anyway - that night we had an extended time of prayer and worship, great drama and art exercises and tangible worship tools. i was pretty thrilled by the fact that the 'head office' had stepped out of their comfort zone and allow god to work in a less constructed space.

i know it's not very emergent of me, but i love worship music. chris tomlin was our worship leader for the week and that night all pistons were firing. he played a lot of songs from his new cd, so experiencing them for the first time allowed me to hear them unlike the songs i've sung before. during one of them i had my eyes closed and as i stood there a picture of myself and god dancing came to my mind. i watched it for a couple of minutes, and then it really freaked me out. i was almost embarrassed. the voice in my head kept saying things like, 'how silly, god dancing with me'. 'who do i think i am??' 'i mean really now bobbie, god has much more important things to do than dance with you.'

it was from that moment that things fell flat for me. flat. the songs were just songs, the words were just words. i listened, even sang, but for the rest of the conference it just wasn't the same. i think i was really ashamed. that intimacy seemed just a bit too real for me. i almost thought i had concocted it just so that i would have a special moment to remember. almost.

i enjoyed the rest of the conference, but told myself that this year it was only supposed to be about me facilitating the experience for others. i was okay with that.

then i got home.

waiting for me saturday in my emergingsideways at gmail dot com mailbox was an email from a wonderful, virtual friend. we have never met, we have just bonded online because of our shared experiences. this is what her email to me on wednesday said:

"Bobbie - I was awake really early and in my conversation time with my Beloved I talked about you.

And He said that today He wanted to take you dancing!

I don't know if you know how to or not but just go ahead, abandon yourself to His music and dance your socks off. Oh maybe it is too hot for socks so go in your bare feet. Even better because then you feel the beat in the floor!!!"

i still weep when i re-read it. it was real. she had NO way of knowing that i needed a good dance with my beloved - and neither did i. i actually had kicked off my shoes on that wednesday night, and in the 'vision' i was barefoot. god wasn't more than a shadow, but i could feel him spin me and hold me. the intimacy of it all terrified me. it was so close that it made me ashamed, not sexual mind you, just intimate. like i imagine the daddy/daughter dance at the wedding would be. i never had that before, and this time it was so real that it took my breath away.

coming home to that email confirmed god's care for me in such a deep, intense way. i can hardly even begin to explain it, and my words hardly do it justice.

a woman from vancouver gets a message from god for me, takes the time to pass it on and i am unable to read it until the exact time i needed it. the lyrics to the song chris was singing were written two years ago, by a first time song writer. louie giglio held on to them thinking one day they would be a good fit for him. it's a beautiful song.

indescribable, uncontainable,
you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name.
you are amazing god!
all powerful, unchangeable,
awestruck we fall to our knees and we humbly proclaim
you are amazing god, you are amazing god.
indescribable, uncontainable,
you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same
you are amazing god!