lenten update

how i have missed my morning blogging. it seems i can't rub two real words together after noon. i have enjoyed all of the reading and other things i'm doing during that time, but my best thoughts of the day seem to coalesce first thing in the morning. this is just more of an "oh, yea, i just remembered" kind of post.

i am now officially as of last night a sponsor. i don't have a sponsor, but i was asked last night by a new friend to be her sponsor. i know the timing is right, but i am a bit overwhelmed by the idea. i read a brilliant line at 'the last chance texaco' that said something about not caring about someone else's recovery more than they do - that will help me a lot if i can keep that in the forefront of my mind.

if anyone reading has had a great sponsor or is a great sponsor and has tips, references or any reading you recommend could you please comment or email me? i would be encouraged by that greatly. i realize it is kind of like the situation i'm in with mothering. i don't/haven't had a great role model in mothering, but common sense, reading and input from mothers i respect has helped me to do a pretty good job as a mom. i have never had a "real" sponsor and still don't have anyone i could even ask right now - so modeling myself after anyone isn't possible. she's not the codependent type and we get along well already - so it won't be draining to interact with her regularly.

i just don't really know where to start...

we have a retreat coming up that 4 of us might all go to - but we're not sure if we've left it too long before deciding. hopefully that will give us all a recovery boost, help us to get to know each other better and i might even find someone who would be a possible sponsor for me. i'm tired of being a lone ranger.

my lenten commitments are going well although there are so many mornings that plopping myself down in front of this computer seem so very attractive. i am finding though that the less time i spend on the computer the less it holds sway over me.

buck has been sick and that always messes with his blood sugars, so it's not a lot of fun for him. he's such a social kid that being alone in his room seems like punishment instead of fun. we've played more games of 'crazy 8's' than i can count.

pink & buck's birthdays are coming up and we told them the other day that if there is a party it will be shared because of their friends play together anyway. the idea of planning a party doesn't hold a lot of joy for me, so i thought that maybe i could buy my way out of it. i told them last night that if they chose to forgo a big party that i would give them each $50.00 - buck looks at me and says (totally deadpan) "make it $100 and you've got a deal." even sick he's got a great sense of humor. i laughed and then he said "i'm not joking."

they both have to decide together and they can each have a friend overnight in lieu of a party, so i'm hoping that they'll take the bait. between youth group and sunday school i do a lot of planning and entertaining their friends already.

one of the things i've posted on my other blog is about "don't break the chain" - it's the discipline of choosing a commitment, marking it with a red x on your calendar and for every day you continue you keep the chain going. i have been writing every day - it doesn't have to be anything deep, moving or intelligent, most of the time it's a page in my journal before bed - but i am writing every day and so far have had 93 days. it's a fun way to create a discipline and keep it.

oh, some of you have asked what my response to my friend from bible college was. i spent a lot of time thinking/praying about it and realized that i would assume the best and if he was trying to bait me shame on him. i responded to his message on facebook by saying 'thank you so much for the questions - i love questions and they always make me think. i am really thinking so much about your questions and would love to give them real answers - so they might not come as quickly because my computer time is limited by lent, but i will answer, but i think i'll answer on my blog (the other one)' - he was grateful and i think it will be good for me to verbalize a lot of this in my own name. i have had a lot of interaction lately with people from my "old life" and so many of them are curious about my politics and faith journey now. my facebook profile is pretty shocking to those who thought that i thought just like them. especially when they come from the mindset that what they believe is right and true and everything else is scary lies you must be afraid of. i think that reminding them i am still the same person with a lot less to hide now and a much better spiritual life than i ever had when i was pretending might help blow a bit more air in the balloons of their faith and journey. and it will be good for me to articulate it for myself.

well, i've run out of things that i can remember i wanted to tell you about. hope this finds you well and enjoying your upcoming weekends! much love!

Miss Potter

i haven't watched a movie for myself in months. i decided yesterday, as a gentleness break to take some time to watch Miss Potter. it was so beautiful, inspiring, as a woman, an artist and a writer. i fell in love with it.

i had to stop it at the beginning and run and get my journal so that i could write down the quote she opens the movie with:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you."

i knew immediately that i would love this film. i did. it pulled me in as i watched this woman far before her time navigate so many of the areas of life i need assistance and inspiration in. it was beautiful.

a couple more quotes from the film:

"My mother and I have come to an understanding. We've agreed not to understand each other."

and this one, after purchasing a farm connected to her property was my favorite:

"Please sir, I am no longer in the habit of being lectured to and thankfully I no longer require your approval or anyone else's."

beatrix potter was an amazing woman. how i wish i had someone like her in my life now.

they end the movie hearkening back to it's opening quote, but include a bit more:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you. Mine took me here, where I belong."

it is a wonderful story and i highly recommend it.

my new corner of the world

my computer and desk have a new home, it's quiet and lovely. i am enjoying it immensely, but it is really quiet. like i don't know if i can hear the doorbell or the telephone ring quiet.

no television, kids playing noise or anything. i'm almost worried i'll miss something.

but i guess the kids know where i am and so here i sit, under my eaves, at my little desk and type.

i treated myself today. i had some blueberry coffee beans i bought from benbows of bar harbor and enjoyed it in my 2 cats mug, lit my patchouli candle and savored my solitude (my son called home from school sick, but he was far away in his room).

this is definitely a place to find "empty"...

i wrote an email to my therapist and told him that i no longer wanted to make friends with empty. i wanted to hunt it down and beat it with a stick. this is harder than it sounds.

anyway, i leave you with a picture from my new office.

i am officially writing

i have officially begun writing the story that has been floating in my head for the past 3-4 years. i've only told two people about it and i need to pour any steam i can generate into the writing instead of the talking about it - but it feels good to have finally begun to put pen to paper (and actually it is pen to paper as it has always been moleskine and pen, not computer and typing so far). when inspiration strikes i just have to put the thoughts down on paper.

i'm really loving it. so if you pray please do so for me to keep embracing the creativity when it comes.

dear patriarchy

bob at the corner linked to this letter/article written by science fiction/fantasy writer elizabeth bear. she writes:

Dear Patriarchy:

I don’t care what you think.

I’m not here to convert you. I’m not here to enlighten you. I’m not here to try to earn your respect. I don’t need it.

I am not scared of you.

You see, I can win without you. I can make a living without you. I can reach a broad readership of women–yes, and men too! lots of men! men who are enlightened, and emotionally secure!–without you. It’s really kind of awesome. After fifteen years working in corporate America, actually, where I usually had to do what a particular type of authoritarian men wanted if I wanted to keep my job, these days, I can pick the audience I care to appeal to.

nolove, Bear.

wow. this is so powerful i think i'm going to write my own! she ends the article with this line:

Because nothing is more terrifying to an extant power structure than a frictionless surface. And the magic of it all is that they have no power over me.

i think that is one of the things the internet has done to/for the church - it has made the kingdom a frictionless surface - the women sitting under neanderthal teaching have access to truth now - they can't build the walls high enough anymore. and there are no footholds on this frictionless surface for them to stand and abuse anymore.

they have no power over me. i LOVE that phrase. i found out last week from my aunt that my father freaked out when she told my aunt that i was preaching at church, right in the middle of a restaurant, which is so not his style. i joked with her he'd rather tell his conservative friends who ask about me that i have backslidden and am a crack whore than i am using my gifts in the church and god forbid "teaching men"...

dear patriarchy,

the walls of power you have built in the church can no longer hold me in, keep me down or silence me. you have no power here, the kingdom of god is bigger than the fortress you have built to keep us in check. you tried to keep us making the coffee, cooking and cleaning up and making you fat with our meals.

i am not afraid of you. i don't need you anymore. there are women and men who love jesus all over the world who know the truth now. you can't stop this because we're taking our wallets with us. your source of income will dwindle to the size of your small, shrunken hearts.

and just so you know, it really is awesome out here, you're welcome to join us, the kingdom is wide and deep and full of life. you will have to set down your power though. it doesn't work here. you see true kingdom life is the kryptonite to patriarchy. jesus came to set the captives free. and we are free indeed.

no love, bobbie

question and answers - part one

Amy A of pretty shiny blog asks:

I think we are all at a loss for words.

A question: Have you done anything crafty or artistic you would like to show us?

Another: Do you think about writing a book at some point?

oh how i wish i had lovely images to post here for you to see... i don't think i have done anything since lent last year, and i have posted those... i'll try to find the links.

i have been pondering my home to see if there is something that is creative, but not "art" that i might show, and came up with my daughter's room. when we moved here we promised our kids that we would give them real, decorated rooms with a theme of their choosing. our pink wanted a funky tween room with a canopy - so i have spent a lot of the last 6 months working toward getting her room finished. and it's all done except her dresser needs painted, and it's just to dang cold to do so... so, here is a picture of pink's room:


and yes amy, i dream of writing daily. i have two real stories furnacing, one by myself, and one with liam. i spend much time dreaming and planning, and very little actually writing. i am struggling with dialog and how to write it so it doesn't sound so stilted. every time is sit to write i cringe at the dialog and end up so discouraged i stop for long periods of time (enough time to forget how actually bad i am at dialog...)

i have some books set aside on my wish list on amazon that might help me with this, but i think i have a lot of fear of not really being able to pull it together that sits in the back of my head and mocks me when i get close to actually putting 'pen to paper' as the saying goes...

thank you for taking the time to engage amy, it's helped to just have a direction to head today! hope you find your words too!

words like ice

i'm not sure why, but my words have frozen here. i know you've noticed.

i regularly think 'oh i need to blog on that' or 'that would make a great post' but i sit down to write and it's gone.

last week was amazing, a lot is starting to come together here for me. so being busier and tired may have something to do with it - but it might be something else.

i find that questions are really helpful for me to write on - anyone? anything? please, ask away - i'd be happy to answer and have something interesting to post about. it's freezing here in more ways than one. maybe a question will thaw the ice around my words...

dear lisa

dear lisa,

i was so moved by your post called 'this year i want to be a real writer' and just loved the fact that you were going to honor your work by giving yourself good tools and a wonderful work space, but i was so saddened by those that spoke of the hurt caused by thoughtless critics and wounding words.

i stumbled across this chunk in a book i'm slowly moving through for review and it said so beautifully the words that i want to pass on to you.

i for one do not want to live in a world where the novelists have been swept off the face of the earth. you tell my stories. you do important work. you keep me sane. please know that i think that the work you do is some of the most important on earth. you make us gentle and cause us to think. david james duncan says it so much better than i do in 'god laughs and plays':

"One of our greatest human traits is compassion, which means, literally "to suffer with another." But this high art is seldom born in an instant as a response to watching the TV "news," or even in response to firsthand experience. More often compassion's seeds are sewn via preliminary magic known as empathy. And empathy begins with a fictive act; What would it be like to be that black girl four rose in front of me? a little white girl wonders in school one morning. Her imagination sets to work, creating unwritten fiction.

In her mind she becomes the black girl, dons her clothes, accent, skin, joins her friends after school, goes home to her family, lives that life. No firsthand experience is taking place. Nothing "newsworthy" is happening. Yet a white-girl-turned-fictitiously-black is linking skin hue to life, skin hue to choice of friends and neighborhood, skin hue to opportunity and history. Words she used without thinking - African, color, white -- feel suddenly different. And when her imaginary game is over they still sound different. Via sheer fiction, empathy enters a human heart.

To be a Christian, a Buddhist, a Muslim, is to immerse oneself in unstinting fiction making. Jesus's words "Love they neighbor as thyself," to cite a famously ignored example, demand an arduous imaginative act. This deceptively simple line orders me, as I look at you, to imagine that I am seeing not you, but me, and then to treat this imaginative me, alias you, as if you are me. And for how long? Till the day I die!

Jesus orders anyone who's serious about Him to commit the "Neighbor = Me" fiction until they forget for good which of the two of themselves to cheat in a business deal or abandon in a crisis or smart-bomb in a war -- at which point their imaginative act, their fiction making, will have turned Christ's bizarre words into a reality and they'll be saying with Mother Teresa, "I see Christ in every woman and man."

True, the ability to love neighbor as self is beyond the reach of most people. But the attempt to imagine thy neighbor as thyself is the daily work of every literary writer and reader I know. Literature's sometimes troubling, sometimes hilarious depictions of those annoying buffoons, our neighbors, may be the greatest gift we writers give the world when they become warm-up exercises for the leap toward actually loving our neighbors. Ernest Hemingway's is the definitive statement about this. "Make it up so truly," he said, "that later it will happen that way." This, I dare say, is Christ-like advice, not just to those practicing the art form known as fiction writing, but to anyone trying to live a faith, defend the weak, or sustain this world through love."

please keep introducing us to our neighbors lisa. it is possibly some of the most important work on earth!

THE ragamuffin diva

claudia mair hawthorne-burney you astound me!

did you know i once told this lovely woman that her writing skills would be wasted on fiction. forgive me dear friend.

i have just finished "Murder, Mahem and a Fine Man" and how wrong i was. Claudia Mair pours herself into her writing like marie belle hot chocolate in a big, warm mug on a cold, frosty day. she holds nothing back and leaves it all on the pages. you see, i said those words to my diva friend because her own story has moved me so deeply in the years i've been reading her amazing blog - ragamuffin diva.

no fiction could come close to the trials this woman has endured. you just can't make this stuff up. her life has been a journey toward redemption and each chapter is so rich. but she does it ya'll! she does it. she weaves her own story right into the pages of this book. it is extraordinary and courageous. she is one of the bravest women i know (whom i've not had the honor of meeting - yet).

this book is funny, the dialog is tight as a drum and you will fall in love with the rich, deep characters as they are drawn together to solve this mystery. i enjoyed every page. as lisa samson says on the cover "sign me up for the fan club" - i can't wait for the second in the series, Death, Deceit and Some Smooth Jazz, to hit the shelves!

when i grow up i want to write like jo(e)

i have been reading jo(e)'s blog for a couple of months now as a lurker. i have been so impressed by her ability to name her circle of life and those who dwell there.

she writes of 'boy in black' and 'generous hyper woman' - i have always longed to be a namer. one who calls forth something within those i love. i wonder what i would be called? what about you?

jo(e)'s page

my first story

okay, i've finally got a bit of time to maybe put this out here. sorry i haven't done it sooner, i've been helping a friend launch a new initiative for the university and trying to get my immigration status in order.

it was amazing! i really enjoyed it. as i told hope today i realized as i saw the women listen and react to the story why jesus told stories. it just kind of hovers out there and floats - instead of facts and proof, opinions and reproof - this allowed each woman to enter into the space the story created and receive it in her own way. it was beautiful. parker palmer calls it 'telling the truth, but telling it slant'.

the story i wrote had to do with the garden metaphor "what flower are you?" that we've done here on my blog for the past couple of springs. it inspired my story of the giant sunflower who thought she was supposed to be a rose. it is my story - but told in such a way that it was actually interesting! HA!

i'm hoping to give it a lot more detail and see if it has any legs in the publishing world.

after i told the story we had a time of silent reflection so each woman could begin to think on her own story and her own flower.

the woman who invited me to speak came up after the place erupted like popcorn with each woman talking about her own experience and told me of how excited she was because she saw how this really got each woman thinking of her own place in the community (garden) and how far reaching this would be for the group. it was very validating and i really enjoyed it all.

hopefully i'll have a bit more clarity the next time and i maybe won't be so tied up before hand. all in all it was an terrific opportunity and i can't wait to do it again!

The Last Word by Ole Anthony - Mindtalking

great article on jesus marketing and the CBA

The Last Word by Ole Anthony - Mindtalking

nouwen on writing - part iii

Making Our Lives Available to Others

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

these three quotes have crystalized exactly what i want my writing to be about, and to motivate me to really buckle down and get serious about it. does anyone know what nouwen book these are taken from? i'd really love to know!

redeeming the day

i LOVE this!

Writing to Save the Day

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.

Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.

Henri Nouwen

get your own daily quotes daily here.

daddy's girl is the ys featured blog entry!

iphy (renee) at youth specialties featured my 'daddy's girl' post yesterday in the ys update. my hits have jumped 200%! thanks iphy! you're the best!

btw - her new book comes out in just over a month. you can get your autographed copy directly from iphy on her website!

it's live!

the online link to my article is live!! hooray!

so to those of you who emailed me and i sent the site can check it again as the article is now active.

liam finally recieved his copy and i got to see it in my hot little hands, it still doesn't seem real though.

i finished 'bird by bird' by anne lamott before vacation and it reminded me (what i really needed to hear) that writing in itself needs to be the important thing - not publishing. if writing alone can't fill the void publishing won't either. it's true.

it's real, it's real, it's real!!

wooooooooo hoooooooo! it's real. i'm really published. i can't link to it here, but it's real! sigh. i actually thought that at the last minute they'd change their minds, but it's real. i've seen the cover - IT'S REAL!

i haven't had a job in over 8 years. no paycheck, no pat on the head, no immediate validation. i proposed an article for a trade journal and not only did they like it they are featuring it, and i've got my name (my real name) on the cover - wooo hooo! this is really validating for me. someone else realized i have a brain in my head. for some strange reason that is so important to me.

you may be able to put 2&2 together and figure out who i am, and that's never been my reason for anonimity here on my blog. it's truly so the sr. pastor/board and our church or my extended family can't google my name (like they don't have better things to do) and find out i'm airing myself (and sometimes them) in public). if curiosity is killing you (and i'm sure you have better things to do too) email me and i will send you the link. the article link isn't active yet, but the cover and the descriptions of the articles are there. they usually activate the links about a week into release.

i sent it to a friend who i respect and she told me the article was 'beautiful and brave'. it's that brave part i'm still a bit nervous about. i know that it could fall into the hands of those in authority at our church, and it's a challenge to them, and to all churches to use power properly. so, for as excited as i am that this is soon to arrive on my doorstep, i'm also a bit anxious.

i watched my mother bobbie, the real bobbie, write her whole life without getting published. it broke her heart. i hope she's happy for me. my father's reaction will be a crap shoot. he may love it, or he may hate it. it's kind of critical of churches that think they have it all figured out. we'll see. either way i set out to accomplish something and i did it. i'm really proud of myself, i hope that doesn't sound vain (because you know pride comes before the fall... as my mother would remind me EVERY time i would be happy about something that i had accomplished...)

father help me to glory in the fact that i have accomplished something without being prideful. help me to find that balance. i don't want to fall. i don't want to be prideful. i just truly want to enjoy the fact that something i did worked. amen.