birthday reload

i felt so much better after i blogged yesterday. i was able to let go of the expectations and just be. liam and i sanded the drywall in the office - it's so close to being ready for primer - very exciting. the angled walls have been so hard to get the corners right on and good enough and that'll do just isn't for me any more. it doesn't have to be perfect, but it does need to be our best. out of all of the things i could think of to spend my time on yesterday that gave me the most joy. well, it was a pain, but the thought of getting that room finished gave me joy.

so today we are really celebrating. there is a renaissance worship in one of the cities close by and it kicks off the shakespeare festival - it's in a historic old church and i have wanted to participate since i heard about it a couple of months ago. so we decided to skip church today and head up there. if the rain lets off we're going to find another lighthouse we haven't seen yet and say hallo to the ocean and then we're heading to a matinée of the seeker - i am so excited. i have read the susan cooper dark is rising series so many times i just love it. i know this is a far more modern version of the story, but i can't wait to enjoy it again.

it should be a wonderful day filled with fun and relaxation. we're really looking forward to being together "out and about". thank you for your well wishes and supportive comments. they mean so much to me!

feeling better

well, pink, buck and i are all feeling much better today - and poor liam was up all night sick. our plans were to head to the "big city" to shop today - and break our spending fast for lent. pink's birthday it tomorrow and liam said for us to go without him.

as i was standing at the mirror this morning i looked at my body and realized that there was something different. i haven't weighed myself in months (the scale helps me with reality because i always imagine myself to be fatter than i really am - or my brain thinks i'm gaining weight and i'm not really) - and i have lost 12 lbs. - i am lower than i any time since having kids. i am in shock.

i have been loathing myself for the past 2 months feeling like a big, fat failure - and i wasn't. i've been doing the work, tracking my food, going to meetings, but still my brain was telling me that i was still the lump of nothing i have been telling myself for the past 30 years.

i know that loosing weight doesn't all of a sudden make me something - and this is always a danger spot for me - as soon as the compliments start coming and people start to notice i'm not invisible anymore i get all panicky and begin padding myself again.

so today we're headed south and celebrating resurrection - somehow my body knew better than my mind that the work i've been doing has been working.

keep coming back...

self-care christmas

this was the first christmas since the kids were born (pink is soon to be 11) that we haven't been in ministry, traveling or moving for the christmas season. it seemed so indulgent. almost selfish. when i look at reality it truly wasn't. but we have gone so long for 'others' that we had forgotten what caring for ourselves looked like.

we had intentions of announcing an open invitation to anyone at church who didn't have plans, but one second before i stood up another woman stood to invite all to their home. we considered going but there weren't any children out kids ages and knew that taking them away from their just opened presents to sit with adults and babies would be a long journey of "is it time to go home yets".

so, we decided that our turkey dinner would be just for us. on christmas morning liam blessed us all with crepes and a lovely cheese filling, topped with a three berry compote. it was incredible. for dinner i baked two pies, splenda pumpkin and splenda apple/pear. there was one packet of yeast left from the st. lucy buns, so i decided that i wasn't going to be afraid of it and made clover buns to go with our turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, ginger sweet potatoes, broccoli salad, and local cranberries.

the whole time i was preparing i kept getting the impulse that this was too indulgent for "just us" - we rarely cooked a roast, or actually went to the trouble of preparing a real meal in my home growing up unless company was coming.

i serve my family real meals and cook regularly, but somehow putting this much work into a meal that "no one else was going to see" just seemed almost silly. i had to keep reminding myself that we were worth it, and that modeling that for my children was so important.

it was the most enjoyable meal, no pressure, no stress, just us and an abundant meal, prepared with love for those i cherish most. it was truly a lesson in self-care. we learned that we are worth it, this pace of life honors us and our personalities and we figured out those things that give us life, put us in touch with the sacred things we long for and reminded us of what is truly important.

it was a truly, merry christmas.