day 20 - a clue!

friend on fb posted an enneagram video this morning and it was perfectly timed to give me tons to think about all day. i am a type 4 and have found the enneagram to be incredibly helpful for self awareness and understanding. this video helped me identify a huge clue into why i am floundering.

i have to be primo vague here because i am dealing with well known personalities and if identified by the story i could leave a trail back to me, and i really don't want to deal with any of that right now... so i'll try to make as much sense as i can w/ very little detail...

influential couple moved into our community, had big dreams and big promises and cast a pretty big net for plans to help in our community. it wasn't exactly what i felt called to, but it was an outlet and i could see where there could be benefit to our community, and where my gifting could be helpful, so i joined in. after the group i was a part of exploded this was pretty much my only outlet and it became another community of sorts. i invested nearly 2 years of my life in helping to plan and assist until influential couple found that they didn't have nearly the influence in our area that they wanted. they were quite used to being the ones that everyone followed without question and when challenged or confronted they decided to pack up the caravan and move to a place where they had unquestioning support.

this too happened, like the last group, with about a weeks notice - surprise, it's over. no real clear explanation given, some blame spread around, none of it theirs and i was left very quite disillusioned and rather cynical. i am so weary of these kind of people. big promises, lots of power and influence and poof, when things get hard they either fold or force - these two folded, not that forced would have been any better, but i realized that it was never "ours" it was "theirs" and i was just staff... disposable.

it was never my dream and it was never a good fit, but it was something - and i had hoped for something for so long that anything was better than nothing... anyway - after watching the video i understood that 4's need a larger vision to participate in to draw them toward their healthier selves (type 1 - integration) and when my efforts are put into individual needy people it is actually very unhealthy for me (type 2 - disintegration) which becomes codependency and i get caught in my internal dialog loops.

so, i can now see how hurt i was when that folded - my first emotions were disgust and anger, so it never felt like a real loss until today. i am still glad that it imploded as it would have at some point and i would have had much more invested - but i need to be a part of something larger than me, something that will bring me up and out of myself. and i need to grieve that disappointment and disillusionment over this couple that i trusted abandoning me and this project so they could take their ball and play someplace else.

anyway - i thought it was pretty cool that i had hoped for a clue yesterday and got one early this morning.

denial is very under-rated you know...

while making supper last night the phone rings. liam hands it to me and i hear 'denial is very under-rated you know.' it's my anj. yay. little else in this world cheers me like a phone call from her. we talk, laugh, share and update each other on life. it's a good thing. she reassures me that the 'bubble' i've been living in isn't always a sign of mental illness (ha!) sometimes it's really a gift. i guess i've been living that gift for the past couple of months.

maybe it's unhealthy, maybe it's sanity - i'm not sure. i just face 'today' for what it's worth. plan for tomorrow, but not stress about it. just for today. i know though that bubble can be very dangerous for me though. life here has become pretty isolated. i keep telling myself it's part of the withdrawing from 'here' so that we can move 'there'. i'm not 'cut off', just not seeking interactions, i say... dangerous ground for my family history.

my mother, and her's before her were both very isolating. both homebodies. most people didn't see it as closely in my mother because she was so sick during the end of her short life. but looking back i can see it. both she and her mother spent much time in darkened rooms, smoking cigarettes in silence, keeping the world at arms length. alone with their thoughts. i often wonder what did they occupy their minds with all of those years. what were they thinking about? my guess is the past, because the future for both of them was so very limited.

i also need to acknowledge that bubble has come between my soul and god. and it's getting more resilient as time passes. it takes a lot to bring me back in touch with it, and with god. the things that used to move me seem tasteless and distant somehow. i can't see where i lost the thread. where it began. how i got here.

i know i'm probably angry at god. i'm not sure why, or for what. probably that familiar tune that goes something like 'hey god, we're serving you, couldn't you at least make a place for us? it's not like we're living for ourselves here, would it take any skin off your nose to make it a little easier? why does it have to be so hard?'... ugly words like that. those kind of things always bring me great shame. so avoidance makes it easier to get through the day i guess.

it's only when i read deep experiences and soulful struggles by fellow bloggers like deb, renee and bob lately that have been able to pierce through this membrane that has cut off my soul. writings like these have pastored me through the past couple of months. shepherd my soul, my dry thirsty soul. the stark occurrence of winter here has shaken the leaves off the trees and exposed how empty the wasteland i'm living in really is. everything feels so grey and lifeless as i look out the window. i miss the color, i miss the cover. i miss the ability to hide, to isolate, to be so busy that no one realizes (least of all me) how absent i am from my soul.

anj gave me such a gift last night on the phone. she told me how something i had said or written came back to her when she needed it. it also came back to me - just when i needed it too. thank you anj. so maybe the tool of denial which was working for me for a couple of months can be set aside now without heading into the chaos of worry and anxiety - but into reality and facing the truth. the cover has fallen and the starkness of winter makes things easier to find.

make sure you receive rather than remake

got a kick in the gut this morning reading over at jeremy's blog junkmail for blankets. the ghetto monk moves things in me i thought were dormant, if not dead. his writing takes my breath away.

he writes of 're-making' instead of receiving.

'All of my resentment, anger, hubris, selfishness, callousness, lovelessness, and self-righteousness stems from the perverted stance of demandingness. And, most stingingly, demandingness is the seed of almost every instance of personal disappointment; and, thus, inability to trust; and, thus, inability to be honest; and, thus, inability to love.'

i am an incredibly demanding person. i loathe that part of me. abhor it. to see it in this context is helping me see that it's not serving me well.

i know i am demanding of liam, my children and even god. what if i just received instead of remade, accepted instead of demanded?

love given freely is so much more meaningful. why do i have to be in charge and full of expectations? why can't i relax and refrain from imposing my will and desires on those around me?

my next book after i finish the gentle path, is compelled to control by keith miller. it's sitting on my shelf waiting for me to be willing.

oh god help me to be willing to be willing soon.