healthy, unwealthy & hopefully wise

just returned from the doctor today. everything looks good. yipee! i had let the test results sit for a bit at the office before i scheduled my appointment. i'm not sure why - i think i was a bit afraid. my cholesterol and blood sugar probably had me a bit freaked out - i'm not the most 'in shape' woman - so it would follow that those two areas could be problem areas for me. my numbers for both were VERY GOOD according to my doctor. it was a very encouraging visit. i really like her. it's a good thing because she's the only dr. taking patients in our area. her manner is so good for me, unlike the doctor i put up with for the past five years in pennsylvania. i'm angry at myself for having done that. she was insulting and lacked so much initiative. going to see her was like going to see that 'debbie downer' character off of SNL.

and now to the 'unwealthy' part... things got complicated financially for us - too many bank accounts open and just too much information. i got overwhelmed about a month ago and i shut down. i am ashamed to admit it -i just set it all aside and pretended. one of our old PA accounts needed attention, and i didn't give it, and i also didn't think to alert liam, because my denial was so big. i kept saying 'we really need to take a day and look at our finances' - and when he would suggest beach combing, or working around the house i readily agreed, again, avoiding the finances. well, yesterday we cleaned up the mess i (we) made - i say "i" because it has always been part of my 'portfolio' previously - i really resented that. liam didn't have to think or concern himself with any of our bills or accounts. i handled it. and up before it got complicated i did a REALLY good job. when it got overwhelming i just shut down.

i can't put words to how less full my head and conscience feels today with all of that handled. i blogged here about how keeping on top of our finances was a big indicator of my recovery well-being. i hadn't realized how much it affects my mental health and well being too. it literally was a monkey on my back. i am sad that i had forgotten the power being on top of our finances gives me - and how debilitating having our finances 'on top' of me is. lesson learned... now hopefully it can also be remembered.

i head tomorrow for my mammogram - it will also feel amazing to have that behind me too!

maybe clear heads and consciences will make way for much more serenity and wholeness.

here's a good quote from bonhoeffer i stumbled across regarding wisdom:

To understand reality is not the same as to know about outward events. It is to perceive the essential nature of things. The best-informed man is not necessarily the wisest. Indeed there is a danger that precisely in the multiplicity of his knowledge he will lose sight of what is essential. But on the other hand, knowledge of an apparently trivial detail quite often makes it possible to see into the depth of things. And so the wise man will seek to acquire the best possible knowledge about events, but always without becoming dependent upon this knowledge. To recognize the significant in the factual is wisdom.

may we all be wise in the significant depth of things and reality!

wartime prayers

Prayers offered in times of peace are silent conversations,
Appeals for love or love's release
In private invocations
But all that is changed now,
Gone like a memory from the day before the fires.
People hungry for the voice of God
Hear lunatics and liars
Wartime prayers, wartime prayers
In every language spoken,
For every family scattered and broken.

Because you cannot walk with the holy,
If you're just a halfway decent man.
I don't pretend that I'm a mastermind
With a genius marketing plan.
I'm trying to tap into some wisdom,
Even a little drop will do.
I want to rid my heart of envy
And cleanse my soul of rage
Before I'm through.

Times are hard, it's a hard time
But everybody knows all about hard times.
The thing is, what are you gonna do?
Well, you cry and try to muscle through
Try to rearrange your stuff
But when the wounds are deep enough,
It's all that we can bear,
We wrap ourselves in prayer.

Because you cannot walk with the holy,
If you're just a halfway decent man.
I don't pretend that I'm a mastermind
With a genius marketing plan.
I'm trying to tap into some wisdom,
Even a little drop willdo.
I want to rid my heart of envy
And cleanse my soul of rage
Before I'm through.
A mother murmurs in twilight sleep
And draws her babies closer.
With hush-a-byes for sleepy eyes,
And kisses on the shoulder.
To drive away despair

Paul Simon, Surprise

sophia - wisdom within

this is the second art piece i completed for lent. it's rendered in charcoal and based on (copied...) a piece by one of my favorite artists doris klein. the first time i saw the piece it made me gasp. most of her art does that to me. it touches a virginal place in my soul that little else has.

the parts of god the church destroys, denies and shames away are depicted by her with such beauty and emotion. doris klein's art touches the places in me that are awakening. a place that freaks me out, terrifies me and i must admit makes me feel like a pagan in my most honest moments. but then i remember tony campolo speaking of the feminine parts of god that most of the church denies and am comforted by his 'permission'. should i need that permission, no, but somehow it makes me feel safer. less on the edge of witchcraft, and more in the place of understanding the pieces of god that i have been denied so long.

i am coming to understand that much of my struggle (and that of many of my sisters) stems from that denial. this solely MALE god is a distortion and it has damaged and is damaging our ability to worship, and i don't just mean the female part of creation either - but creation as a whole.

i know that my healing and becoming real will take me to this place of a WHOLE god. understanding the feminine of the image i bear will allow me to realize in my own body and soul the places that have shamed me for so long. the temptation to delete this and avoid blogging about it is great. but i have realized that being labeled a heretic, avoided or shunned can't matter any more. i need to navigate this here if i am ever to find the healing and the life i long for.

this art piece was my first attempt to get in touch with this emotion and these questions. to express and allow myself permission to dip my toes into the water and worship this part of god i hardly know myself. i don't know about the morals of imitating someone else's art. it's not for sale or profit. i just knew that i was unable to create (yet) that place of birth or unique ideas from within myself on this subject. i hope it is seen as the most sincere form of flattery.

the metaphor of the shell and it's spiralling wholeness speaks to me of wisdom and knowing and deep elemental truth. it expanded sophia to me in such a rich and textured way. as i shaded and highlighted i understood a little more of the inmost places sophia resides. that time, silence and being fully present are the only ways to find those concealed, spiralling places. it is an offering of worship to the part of god i've yet to fully understand, but long to engender, to honor and know.

healing our memories

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. When we forgive a person, the memory of the wound might stay with us for a long time, even throughout our lives. Sometimes we carry the memory in our bodies as a visible sign. But forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. When we forgive our parents for their divorce, our children for their lack of attention, our friends for their unfaithfulness in crisis, our doctors for their ill advice, we no longer have to experience ourselves as the victims of events we had no control over.

Forgiveness allows us to claim our own power and not let these events destroy us; it enables them to become events that deepen the wisdom of our hearts. Forgiveness indeed heals memories.

Henri Nouwen

which flower are you?

You are an Iris:

You are logical, analytical, dignified, and wise.
You are studious by nature and may prefer books
to people. You tend to be a serious person but
are capable of making others laugh with your
dry sense of humor. Friends always benefit from
your advice.

Symbolism: Over the centuries the iris has come to
symbolize faith, wisdom, hope, and promise in
love.


Which Flower are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

denial is very under-rated you know...

while making supper last night the phone rings. liam hands it to me and i hear 'denial is very under-rated you know.' it's my anj. yay. little else in this world cheers me like a phone call from her. we talk, laugh, share and update each other on life. it's a good thing. she reassures me that the 'bubble' i've been living in isn't always a sign of mental illness (ha!) sometimes it's really a gift. i guess i've been living that gift for the past couple of months.

maybe it's unhealthy, maybe it's sanity - i'm not sure. i just face 'today' for what it's worth. plan for tomorrow, but not stress about it. just for today. i know though that bubble can be very dangerous for me though. life here has become pretty isolated. i keep telling myself it's part of the withdrawing from 'here' so that we can move 'there'. i'm not 'cut off', just not seeking interactions, i say... dangerous ground for my family history.

my mother, and her's before her were both very isolating. both homebodies. most people didn't see it as closely in my mother because she was so sick during the end of her short life. but looking back i can see it. both she and her mother spent much time in darkened rooms, smoking cigarettes in silence, keeping the world at arms length. alone with their thoughts. i often wonder what did they occupy their minds with all of those years. what were they thinking about? my guess is the past, because the future for both of them was so very limited.

i also need to acknowledge that bubble has come between my soul and god. and it's getting more resilient as time passes. it takes a lot to bring me back in touch with it, and with god. the things that used to move me seem tasteless and distant somehow. i can't see where i lost the thread. where it began. how i got here.

i know i'm probably angry at god. i'm not sure why, or for what. probably that familiar tune that goes something like 'hey god, we're serving you, couldn't you at least make a place for us? it's not like we're living for ourselves here, would it take any skin off your nose to make it a little easier? why does it have to be so hard?'... ugly words like that. those kind of things always bring me great shame. so avoidance makes it easier to get through the day i guess.

it's only when i read deep experiences and soulful struggles by fellow bloggers like deb, renee and bob lately that have been able to pierce through this membrane that has cut off my soul. writings like these have pastored me through the past couple of months. shepherd my soul, my dry thirsty soul. the stark occurrence of winter here has shaken the leaves off the trees and exposed how empty the wasteland i'm living in really is. everything feels so grey and lifeless as i look out the window. i miss the color, i miss the cover. i miss the ability to hide, to isolate, to be so busy that no one realizes (least of all me) how absent i am from my soul.

anj gave me such a gift last night on the phone. she told me how something i had said or written came back to her when she needed it. it also came back to me - just when i needed it too. thank you anj. so maybe the tool of denial which was working for me for a couple of months can be set aside now without heading into the chaos of worry and anxiety - but into reality and facing the truth. the cover has fallen and the starkness of winter makes things easier to find.

which fantasy/sci fi character are you?

Galadriel

Possessing a rare combination of wisdom and humility, while serenely dominating your environment you selflessly use your powers to care for others.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

thanks rachel!

new every morning

'ask for what you need' was the phrase that kept running through my head yesterday and finally forced me to post my desperate cry for prayers.

the mc vicker women up at linwood house emblazoned that thought on my brain during 'the path' in november. how simple - ask for what you need - simple, but not easy.

today i have wings, even wind beneath them because of your prayers, kind comments, some nurturing time with liam, and especially a wonderful phone call from a dear friend about 5 minutes after i posted that cry for help. it was about the time i thought 'no, delete it' that the phone rang. i was given exactly what i needed.

i talked with anj about shame, and breaking through the shame to admit my needs, admit my lack and admit my struggles. shame is the silencer. it is the isolator. and it had convinced me that i was too far gone for anyone to know and still love. shame is a lie. in her inimitable wisdom she encouraged me to do some good self care and challenged me to find the things that energized me. i am all too familiar with the things that bring me down - but what are the things that build me back up?

she mentioned how her sister had challenged her back in her grey days to become aware of things you see that refill you and thrill you, in a magazine or in day to day life - notice them, and use them to bring about some intentional refilling. so that is my assignment for the next while - figuring out what it is that gives me joy, brings me happiness and wholeness and seek to bring them into my life more intentionally to care for myself.

the first thing on that list is phone calls from anj.

oh, and as a side note - 'the lake' in my fantasy is in the town i grew up in - far away from here - it wasn't really anything i was planning - it was just the peaceful thought of being surrounded by the water in a place i hold so dear. it was more about peace and safety and an end to the drama than it was about suicide. thank you all for your concern, just wanted to clarify in case anyone was worried.

ash wednesday 2005

yesterday morning liam and i walked to the little episcopal church in our neighborhood for their 8:00 a.m. ash wednesday service. we climbed the steps with about eight college students and entered the simple sanctuary. i quickly grabbed a wad of kleenex for my pocket to wipe my tears and sat in the padded chair waiting, ackward and expectant.

i have been to roman catholic services and romanian orthodox ones, but this form of casual high church was new to me. it was a deacon's eucharist and the service was taken from the common book, and a home-made lenten service pamphlet from years gone by. i found it hard to follow along at first, wondering which page we were on and playing catch up. there were about 20 of us there and it was clear everyone knew everyone, but us. the deacon regularly made eye contact with us, not knowing who or why we were there. it was very welcoming and nurtured me to be a newcomer and kind of unknown.

being a staff wife at our church of over 1000 means that strangers know who i am. i am the most helpful person at the grocery store because i assume everyone i meet could possibly be someone who has visited our church and knows who i am - so being anonymous and wondered about was a feeling i hadn't had in a long time.

i found it different to have my face buried in a book during worship. i have a good memory for lyrics, and even in the days of the hymnal i rarely needed to read the words to be able to join in the singing. even before 'off the wall' participation was normal i was worshipping with my face turned upward, or with my eyes closed all together so that i was less distracted by the stage or other people's style of worship. it was strange to see heads bowed and buried, following along with the responsive readings while i was unable to locate the page.

once i got in the flow it wasn't as strange, but it was strange to have a service with no music at all. i revelled in the kneeling, the challenge of the prayers and the readings - especially joel 2:12-13. it has worked it's way deep into my bones:

"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love and he relents from sending calamity."

my favorite ghetto monk blogged about ash wednesday yesterday and it's still haunting me:

And let’s say hey, priest, rub it in extra hard today, grind that shit straight into my brain. And then please come to my house and mourn with me—we aren’t made to die alone. And maybe if we do that today, even if just today, just today let some homesickness sink in, let it sit, let it do its thing, let that black ash dig into our brains, make it so we can’t think about anything else, we’ll begin to understand what home means.

i wanted my ashes to remain through the day, helping me remember each time i glanced in the mirror that this year was different. they faded very fast, i never even saw them. i must have wiped my bangs out of my eyes and removed them without even knowing it. but jeremy's words made me hope they seeped in deep - deep into my brain - helping me understand what this is all about.

i also LOVED the idea that i was participating with people all over the world in an act of worship 1000's of years old - i felt like a part of something much larger than myself. it was very powerful, and still is.

i told the deacon on the way out who we were and he invited us to come back anytime. i assured him we would, the other church owns us on sundays, but the rest of the week is our's.

it will be hard to sacrifice the idea being forced to celebrate palm sunday and easter filled with a lot of hype and pomp, but i've been trying to pray i will allow it all to be what it is and find the nutrients within each part i must participate in. part of this lenten period is also preparation for liam and i to participate in a different kind of 40 days.

our church will be doing '40 days of purpose' after easter. this is hard for me. as connie says "anything with the word "driven" in it scares me silly". i know that for right now there is a purpose in us being here - but it's becoming so divergent to who i am and what i believe. it's all i can do not to stand like isaiah or jeremiah in torn rags raging against my perception of how badly this all misses the point. i am trying not to be judgemental, not to be arrogant, not to have pride, but this all breaks my heart. i so long to have simple, so long to have community, so long to seek justice and love mercy and walk humbly with my god - and this just seems so bloated and so excessive to me.

i read on dave's blog yesterday his thoughts on 40 days:

You still see "40 days of purpose" banners hanging up in front of churches as an advertisement to fellow motorists that there is something happening for 40 days that will be about purpose. (I am not sure of the effectiveness of such banners, wouldn't these banners tell the pagan motorists that if they come into the church, they will have to be there for 40 days? Isn't it hard enough to get a non-believer to attend just once?)

he also quotes rick who commented on his blog:

"Well said. Thank you for taking the time to write. Outstanding. I attended the emergent conference in SD early this year and experienced many of the same feelings. In some ways it is sad because we seem so far removed from reality. It felt inauthentic in many ways. Rick Warren was speaking at the confeence "next door" and he asked, "Has anyone heard of 40 days of purpose?" I yelled out, "Yea, for 2,000 years we have called it Lent!"

both of those comments have helped me to put some perspective on all of this. 'to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

well, in all of this, the only thing i can truly change is myself, my response and my attitude. i know that my feet have walked along the path that went through 'purpose driven' land to get to where i am now. not that i'm farther ahead or anything, but i do have hope that maybe this might be a catalyst to draw others into a place where they become discontent with imperialistic theology, begin to see the needs of the world and want more than magic, plastic jesus in their spiritual lives.

so as those ashes sink their way into my brain, and i rend my heart, not my clothes - i am realizing that this is about my inward response of homesickness, not my outward displeasure of this temporary home. i need to extend grace in ways i wish it would be extended to me on my journey. god help me.

divide and conquer

i saw my therapist today. the timing couldn't have been better. she listened patiently as i caught her up on all of the many things that happened over the summer and then go to what i've been working through these past couple of weeks.

i talked of my dream, my concerns and the many other ways i've been dealing with fear. she's very gifted at listening to it all and asking some very pointed questions, and then giving a perspective. i told her about 'sitting with fear' and how overwhelmed i was feeling and how it seemed so sufficating sometimes.

her wise words were 'bobbie, you control the door. you don't have to let every fear in all at once. just invite the one you're feeling at the time, name it and deal with it.' what a concept. the big blob of 'free floating anxiety' i was dealing with was overwhelming for a reason.

she said fear can't stand on it's own. it's always attached to something. when we can identify what it's attached to we can then name it and face it. good timing. great wisdom. divide and conquer. that i can manage.

wisdom needed

hey friends. i have a situation that i need some advice on. it's something i never thought i'd need to think about, but now that it's here on my doorstep, so to speak, i'm stuck.

a couple of years ago i tried to participate in a project called 1000 journals. it was a brilliant idea, send out 1000 journals and pass them around the world and see what happens.

you signed up online and waited in a queue until your turn came. every step of the way could be tracked online and journal participants could post updates and images of the pages they made. it was artsy, creative and i hoped life giving.

it turned out to be a very destructive experience for me. the man who was 2 steps infront of me decided to dedicate pages to the following 9 people signed up behind him. he posted the images online and the page dedicated to me was horribly graphic, filled with grotesque images of breasts and women's parts put together to create what looked to me to be these cattle or cow images. needless to say this touched some very raw places in my psyche.

i felt abused by a total stranger. whatever would possess someone to be so cruel to a stranger i just couldn't fathom. instead of this project being life-giving and part of healing it wounded me deeply.

i have always struggled with my weight, and most of you know how i struggle with sexual abuse and addiction. seeing this image representing what someone, who never even met me, thought of me reinforced every horrible thing i've ever told myself. i withdrew my name from the project, and other than a couple of emails from others looking for the journal i had closed that door.

recently i have been contacted by a documentary producer who is seeking to chronicle this project in film. she is asking me to tell my part of the story. this journal has gone missing. my theory is that the person who was between this horrible man and i didn't like her dedication either and pitched it, or it got waylaid in the post.

the producer is a kind, authentic woman, very sympathetic and understanding. she is truly seeking to involve me in this project and i am feeling so mixed up i'm not sure what to do.

i have expressed my reluctance to be hurt again by this, and she has assured me repeatedly that she will not allow me to be wounded again. i just don't know. the idea of being 'on film' in the first place is difficult enough. she is willing to shoot me from 'afar' and allow me to do a voice over telling about my experience in full. i'm so confused. people like me don't have to make decisions like this.

i truly am committed to redemption. if this can be redeemed at all i would like that. it felt so arbitrary, so destructive, like nothing good could have come from it, if healing is to be found i think i want it, but i'm just so afraid.

she has asked to speak with me by phone... i need to get some advice, if you have any, please contribute. if you don't have advice, could you please pray? i'd really appreciate it. thanks.

the wisdom to know the difference

requesting wisdom is the mother of all prayer requests. solomon was given carte blanch from god and he picked wisdom and was honored for it. (maybe there should be another line in the prayer that says 'help me to use the wisdom you give me' because solomon didn't and got himself into a houseful of trouble).

knowing the difference between bad and good is usually easy to spot. even children have the ability to decipher that. choosing between good and best is where things get murky and grey. figuring out the difference between the things i have to accept as they are, and things that i need courage to change. this is where the rubber meets the road.

differences are very often arbitrary. what seems like something you would choose to change might be something that i can live with. so this wisdom needs to be asked for in daily doses, like manna from heaven. yesterday's wisdom doesn't fit today's circumstances. just because i made that choice yesterday today might mean that today it may need to be different.

serenity comes when that balance is struck.

my father lives with us. what he chooses to live with, the difficulties of his life sometimes overflow into mine. it is a very fine line that i must tread in establishing those boundaries that keep his chaos from inflicting itself on me.

he's a 'white knuckle' dry alcoholic. has been for 31 years. he's the most determined man i know. but the evidence of addiction is still winding it's way throughout every choice he makes like vines and tendrils binding themselves to him. he has no serenity. each choice is governed by his replacement addictions, codependency, spending and food. it's a daily reminder to me to make the choice to pray this prayer.

today god, i need wisdom. wisdom to know when to speak, and when to be silent. when to challenge and when to fall back. what can i do today that will move me forward instead of backwards? because really, in recovery - if you aren't going forward, you're really falling back.

so just for today, what needs to happen?

during my first run through of the steps i thought i had a recovery buddy. i've never had a sponsor, it's been one of my greatest discouragements in my recovery. but this person was someone i thought i could trust, i thought 'got it'. she agreed to hear my step 5 (my searching and fearless moral inventory). so i diligently worked on my step 4 inventory and prepared myself to be able to give it away to her. about a month before we scheduled 'the time' she flaked on me. no explanation, just said she didn't feel comfortable and i'd have to find someone else. i was crushed.

wounded and broken i became frozen in my recovery. it halted at that place for about 2 years. who could i trust? who would love me enough to hear my most horrible parts and not flake, or even greater still, love me? at least she flaked before i told her my secrets, but i was so hurt.

i learned some very good lessons from that difficult time. being wise as serpents and gentle as doves (i think that's the quote?) is necessary. learning lessons the hard way does teach us wisdom, as long as we take the time to pull those events apart and learn from them.

finding safe people, people who respect your journey and your boundaries, friends who will walk along side you and challenge without judging is what we all truly long for. surround yourself with people who build you up and limit your interaction with people who don't.

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. where am i doing this in my life? where am i spinning my wheels, stuck and mired down? facing the places that this is happening takes courage and determination. once we realize that the only place real change can take place is 'within' then the journey becomes much different than it looked before.

i adore the band superchick, i am thrilled my daughter has such empowering music to grow up to. i wish i had them when i was a young girl. their lyrics go straight to my soul. girl power was so far from where i was raised. they have a wonderful song called 'let it be'.

Some people bring you gifts,
some bring you bricks to weigh you down
So they can swim a little higher while you drown
Some people mean so well,
their way was the best way that they’ve found
But any other way you choose
is a brick that weighs you down

Some people give themselves a brick,
I know most people do
When we compare, we fall short somewhere,
it’s always true
If all we see is where we fall,
we’ve bricked the prison wall
Instead of trying to learn to fly
we’ve taught ourselves to crawl

So tell me what do I do with
this backpack full of bricks
Of sticks and stones and word’s<b>r>that stuck to me like ticks

We could believe in ourselves more
We could try for unique instead of trying to conform
We could defy what they tell us
And don’t buy the lies they sell us
And we’re brave we can believe in what we are

Let it go, let it be
brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we saved til
we were our own enemies
Let it go, let it be brick by brick
we can believe
in the person God intended us to be
Let it be.

wisdom about people is one of the gifts serenity brings to me.

so, just for today god, grant me the wisdom i need to differentiate between those things i cannot change and those things i must change, between good and best, between safe and unsafe. i need your serenity father and the courage to carry that out. amen