it's a pirate's life for me

argh, matey, ever been to sea?

pirate blood runs through my veins, really. my great, great, great (how many i don't know) relative (don't remember if it was uncle or grandfather) was captain blood. (isn't that a great name for a pirate?)

liam's getting a bit tired of my salty language of late. he actually said the other day 'you know, if there was someone in our lives who swore like you've been swearing lately we wouldn't let them around our kids...'

he's right. i don't swear around the kids, but it's gotten pretty blue around here sometimes. i've been trying to untangle the reasons that this has crept back into my vocabulary.

i used to swear all the time in high school. i think it was a way of tarnishing that 'christian girl badge' i had to carry. maybe they won't think i'm such a goody 2 shoes if i cuss a bit. because of my compulsive behavior i can take just about anything to excess.

there have been probably two other times in my life where i let things get pretty lazy with my speech, and know how to clean things up. it's a process i use to syphon any behavior that has crept it's way into my life. i know what to do, the thing is, i'm not so sure i want to this time.

it's purposeful now, it's not just lazy, sloppy speech to shoot my mouth off and be different. now it's somehow a tool for me, it gives me something i don't seem to be able to get elsewhere. i only really use it when i talk to liam, or when i write (unless of course i'm around a friend who also speaks pirate). it just seems to encapsulate the raw emotion i'm feeling in an instant. so here i sit. wondering and noodling my conundrum. to swear or not to swear... that is the question.

i told this to liam. he's still pretty skeptical. there's just something a bit romantic about swearing for me - not in the romance form of the word, but in that wistful, wannabe sense of the word. i guess maybe i want to be that edgy writer, that comfortable, non-prudish one that gives others the freedom to speak their minds, even with colorful language. i don't know yet, but i'm farther along the process of thinking about it by blogging on it today. mostly just a big hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

your honesty frees up little bits in me

“Your honesty frees up little bits in me.”

andrea wrote so personally as she shared the emotions and grief of miscarriage. she did that because one of her friends said that to her. “Your honesty frees up little bits in me.” that quote just sticks with me.

it's 4:42 in the morning. i've been up since 1:30 - yes, i know it's the time a lot of you go to bed, not wake up - but i'm restless and i can't figure out why.

i've been reading blogs for a couple of hours it seems, catching up on those my syndicator seems to miss somehow and am so moved by how this blogging community has become so life-giving to me.

each of us sharing our own struggles, pain and hope. all of it would be 'lost' if it had to wait for a book to be published, or trapped only within the small community of our influence. but now, now it crosses time, location, language, prejudice and preconceived notions.

i'm sure if you dumped us all in a room together our own brokenness would keep us from forming a community - he's too weird looking, she's too fat, wow, i didn't know he was that old, ewe, she looks stuck up. but here none of that happens, our words are all that is needed to show our hearts.

i like that.

i like your hearts, i love your words, and i crave this community that is forming here.