custer's first stand...

so my dad is here.

since wednesday.

and in the middle of all of this i have been working like a dog to get my friend's house market ready. she moved out of town about a year ago. the bankruptcy of her husband's "flip that house dreams" and some dalliance in infidelity on her part left them ashamed and quick to move on. they should have sold their home at that time, but didn't have the heart to kick their daughter out in her last year of university in our town, so it became a bit of a frat house. no real destruction, but lots of neglect. i needed the money and had the time, and have a huge heart for their story, and when pushed to admit it still very co-dependent with her. because she is 12 hours away i thought that i could help, when it still looked much more like rescue.

anyway - i finished yesterday and was downstairs doing laundry when my dad struck up a conversation about his new favorite tv preacher. ugh. tired and already itchy from his old-time-religious language in the five days we have been together i listened quietly. then he gave me his new book, he ordered 4 copies to make sure that everyone he loved had one. i was touched, but sensing the beginnings of the allergic reaction i have to that kind of conversation. he had his back to me as i thumbed through the book quickly trying to assess what stripe of religion this man was peddling.

self-taught, proof texting, itinerant guy who wants to teach everyone how to "interpret scripture" biblically. ugh. the hives begin to crawl over my skin and i can feel my throat start to contract. must get air....

and he goes on like he's found a new best friend. he is smitten, in love, a twitter. the only thing i can do when he asks me if it's what i believe and what i learned a 'bible college' is say that i have learned over the years that when people aren't building a theology in community you can make scripture say anything you want it to say. removed from the context of accountability (tried to use his language) there is a danger that can come from being a person with that much authority and no balance of responsibility. people like that can be dangerous and that is how cults can form. i said i knew nothing of him but can see from his book that he has never learned in community and isn't within a context of people and that makes me concerned that he could be dangerous.

well that set him off. he grabbed is big old fat bible, whipped it open and shaking threw it in my face - THE verse. the biggie. see i knew you didn't take this seriously anymore. read this, how can you do the things you do, preaching now - this verse tells you you are to be silent and ask you husband if you need to know anything...blah, blah, blah...

by this time i had sat down. and i knew that i had a choice. absolutely exhausted. filthy from work, stressed by having my safe home invaded and knowing that all of the work outside of my house had left my own in need of a lot of attention. i could choose to shut down like my programming had wired me to. know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away... should have run. didn't fold.

i blasted him with both barrels - and once i got going there was NO way to stop.

i said every last thing i have wanted to say to him for 44 years. screeching, bawling, shaking my finger in his face. i was the banshee - and it felt so damn good.

"how can you who spends 23 hours a day watching television, goes to one hour of church a week, and it's even a church that doesn't even believe this shit. how can you come here and judge me, who has devoted herself to serving god since i was 13 years old? you don't know anything about me or my relationship with god. all i have ever wanted in my whole entire life is not big money, or fame or power - but just for you to once look at me and the life i live and say 'i don't get it, but i am so proud of you' - just once"

"if my preaching is a sin, then so is your judgment of me - you have no right to throw this at me, you don't live by this ugly theology and you never have - i lived every jot and tittle for 30 years of my life and you know what? it doesn't work - and you know it - you know that the house you raised me in wasn't that story book christianity you like to spew - you know that mom hated the silence even more than i did" bam, bam, bam.

it was never how i wanted it to happen, but i honestly can say that i don't regret it. i finally stood up to that man who has tried to keep my feet in those tiny, little shoes.

"YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS, you wanted a son, you never loved a daughter, you have never even honored the female parts of me that you always told me were all i had, my home, my family, my silence - you only ever acknowledged me for the male things i did, playing sports, killing animals, scraping their flesh off their bones - those were the only things you ever gave me attention for"

pink heard me 2 stories up. and i was so glad.

"for the past 10 1/2 years i have read the bible, every night before bed, 10 1/2 years! you think i wipe my butt with those pages, but i have devoted my life to those pages, it's all i have ever wanted and i am really good at it. peoples lives, even mens lives are changing because i am telling my story. in your paradigm i haven't even erred, my husband, my pastors, the leaders in my church - all of the people in the umbrella of authority i'm supposed to live my life under (his language, not mine) are inviting me to use the gifts that god has given me. they are all cheering for me - all except you - and guess what - you have given away any authority you have over my life to my husband and god loves me enough to not have me married to a cave man!"

i think i went on for about 5 straight minutes. then he looked at me, cocked his head and said "i guess you've been waiting a long time to tell me that. i think you'll sleep better tonight."

i think the volume and emotion actually cracked a bit in him that an honest conversation (like we had in oregon 2 summers ago - and i had intended to have again) wouldn't have. and it empowered me to know that i honestly really don't need his approval or support. he is a weak, small little man who i love deeply, but have given far too much power over me for far too long.

as i sat on the edge of my bed last night i remembered my word for this year - blaze. i smiled as i realized that the fire burns as it purifies.

i apologized after for the way in which i said those things and that i had wanted to hurt him for the hurt i had felt all of those years. he hugged me and told me that he tells everyone else how much he thinks of me. never could use the words, but i don't really need to hear them anymore.

i am proud of me and mom would be too.

time capsule

i have received and finally sat down to watch the documentary that i participated in long ago - september 2005. you can search my archives to read the posts from that time if you like. i am not linking to it here just in case someone connects my real name w/ this blog. i'm just not ready for that.

i was not prepared for the level of emotion that it brought up in me. seeing my face, my rosecea skin and seeing the face of the man who created the images that were so hurtful to me, and seeing the image again really flattened me out.

i don't have time for this today. i'm off to a retreat and have tons of responsibilities. i just want to crawl back into bed and cry. or slam the door shut and spend the weekend escaping and remembering that it isn't me any more. i forget sometimes how bad it was. this was a "good" reminder - good as in efficient, not good as in nice, warm and fuzzy. mean people suck. especially mean, mysoginists who mock women and their pain. the director told me that this prick has a young daughter. poor girl. i want to hunt him down and hurt him. i've never had a face before. never had a face for anyone who ever hurt me.

it will be very difficult for liam to watch this. i told him i wanted to see it alone first. i am so glad that i wasn't in a theatre at a film festival seeing it for the first time. what a relief. i haven't seen the whole film yet, just my episode. it is beautifully done and so gentle with my story. i am well spoken and brave. i am proud of myself for telling my story. i just wasn't prepared for having to listen to him. what a horrible man. i hope that the daughter's mum has enough sense to keep her away from him. prick.

well, i'm off to slam the door on this until next week. please pray that i am able. i really wasn't prepared to feel so leveled by this. b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

happy-go-lucky

re-framing the situations and story i find myself in has been one of the best new tools in my box lately. i think perspective has TONS to do with how we choose to move through life. i remember the story of the twin boys, one optimist, one pessimist, on christmas morning. the parents tried help each boy to a more realistic perspective on life and gave the pessimist a pony and the optimist a big pile of poo - and the optimist jumps for joy and starts digging, conviced that there must be a pony buried in there somewhere.

finding the silver lining, or at least re-framing my circumstances has helped me so much in this past year to have a more positive outlook.

this film trailer is one of the most hopeful, shiny moments i have had in quite some time, i just can't wait to see the film:

happy-go-lucky

feeling less desperate

i think that getting things off my chest helped a lot to lessen the panicky feelings i was having.

because i have struggled with depression myself far too many times in my 42 years i can feel it's pull. seeing that black hole in our home again gave me such a fright. hearing that sucking noise again removes rational thought from my mind and steals my serenity as it calls to me.

somehow i felt like meg trying to save charles wallace from danger i was more able to understand. it all seemed so very urgent. talking about it has returned perspective, helped me to grasp my place in the world. remove the drama and replace the reality. liam is not a five year old being stalked by a vortex of evil and no matter how much i wish it to be true, i am not meg murray.

b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

so this weekend i get to be poly and head to the ocean instead.

better stories

pink and i had an important conversation yesterday. she's 12 and we've been navigating this "tween" thing for a bit now. she's starting to individualize and define herself apart from liam and i - we know this is an important stage, specifically for us as parents. how to guide her through this process so she knows we're here and there are boundaries, but not to do so with heavy hands and push her into rebellion.

music is one of the ways she is defining herself - not uncommon for pre-teens. i have the itunes account, so purchases are "through mom" at the moment. our agreement is that we sit down and listen to the song together, i read the lyrics, if i struggle with them, she reads them out loud and then we watch the video together. if the song passes that muster the purchase is made. it brings a lot of dialog and interaction. yesterday it created a bit of friction that we processed out together.

she falls into the bubble gum, disney kids type of music. i was thrilled that branched into hairspray recently, but most of the music is "oooh he likes me", "gosh i think he's cute" and "oh, my heart is broken" kind of drivel. it's so difficult for me to watch this young, vibrant lady begin to define herself as a "half" person because her culture is beginning to tell her that without a man in her life she is not whole.

we listened to taylor swift and ashley tisdale songs and so few of them were empowering to her as an individual. it breaks my heart. i started to ask some questions and try to help her untangle the message these songs were telling her. i got the "you only want me to listen to christian music" feedback and i balked. so.not.true. i tried to help her understand that the movies she watches, the books she reads and the music she listens to are forming her stories. it is normal for a lot of those stories to be about relationships, even relationships with boys. but if every story she buys into keeps telling her that she's only 1/2 a person without a man she will begin to believe it.

too much pressure for a twelve year old. too much pressure for my single 40 year old friends. i loathe that kind of misinformation. i used the three taylor swift videos as an example (wow, she is a beautiful little barbie doll that one...)

first an adorable song about a boy who is her friend but doesn't know she exists. the second about the boy who scatters roses in her room and writes her love notes and the third about the boy who has dumped her and she wants to burn his pictures and she fantasizes about trashing his apartment and licking all of his utensils and spitting into his mouthwash. all really well done, all fun, interesting songs w/ intelligent lyrics - but in 15 minutes we have the scope of this little girls life. three relationships that burn bright for a millisecond and flash out with broken hearts and boatloads of pain. that young, beautiful woman will be shattered by mid life with these kind of rotating door relationships.

i got to tell pink that even if you do get the boy who writes you love notes and scatters roses at your feet it lasts for a whole 10 minutes. liam and i had a wonderful courtship. but was it reality? 25 years later, if feels like about 10 minutes. i just long for her to balance out the dreamy romance with stories that form her into her whole self. stories that empower her. stories that open her up past the doors of the school and the dances and show her the vast world that is waiting for her.

that is why bands like superchick float my boat. it's not that they are "christian" - most of their songs have little to do with "jesus" specifically - but whole life, facing the hard places and moving through them. those are the kind of stories i long for her to hear.

preaching tomorrow

i'm only using that word to stand up for my female self, but i am actually the 'anti-preacher' and do very little from the homiletics course i was required in bible college. and our church is so very far away from that kind of modern church too - every sunday is fully interactive and much heckling, questions and challenges are welcomed and embraced. it's a different way to teach as you need to be prepared for interaction - it's a learned dance and i'm still a bit clumsy with it as i loose my place sometimes, but i'm looking forward to it none the less. i am loved deeply here and among friends, so i really shouldn't be nearly as nervous as i am right now...

anyway - i'm talking about story tomorrow and how better stories help us all to slow, permanent change.

it will be posted online early this week - if you want the link leave me a comment, or email me and i'll be happy to send it to you (so long as i don't totally embarrass myself!) :)

fear factor

okay, i've just finished the post on my other blog about my day yesterday. and i'm having a lot of fear. i haven't owned this much of my own story and personal writing "in public" and under my own name before and it's freaking me out.

dang.

i know that this is a huge part of why i'm stalled lately. my fear of rejection and judgment is massive.

yesterday was so personal. so important. it would have been so natural to write about it here where i am safe. with all of you. the people who get it. the people who know me without knowing me. but there. there anyone could read it. there people from my past lives can access it. it's fed into my facebook profile. what have i done?

dang.

tears are streaming down my face. the temptation to delete it and repost it here is huge.

it's not like i've taken my clothes off and pranced around for all to see, but it really feels like i've left part of me there for people who "know/know" me to see. and judge. and reject. and talk about amongst themselves. leaving me out. and judging me. and saying mean things. and dang. why is this so hard?

why is being me so much easier to do when no one is looking?

get to know me meme

boy grows up has meme'd me, and i've been in such a writing funk lately i think this could be just the thing to get my off my proverbial butt.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1) What was I doing 10 yrs ago?

1998. wow, that seems like a life time ago. i had just given birth to my son. my daughter was just turning 2 and we had just moved into part-time youth ministry at a tiny little plymouth brethren church. i thought life couldn't get any better. boy was i wrong. it was the beginning of the worst 2 years of my life. i was undiagnosed post-partum and had moved into a community that loathed me. it was the beginning of the relapse of my addictions (sexual & food) and the end of my sanity. aren't you glad you asked? :p

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

1. Blog this.
2. Go stateside for groceries (dairy products in this side of canada are horrible!).
3. Buy a new bra - why is it that is always a place we loose weight??
4. Book the rock climbing gym for my kids birthday party.
5. Hit the library.

3) Snacks I enjoy:

my food plan is only meals, but i have just found dried, unsweetened mangoes from the bulk barn and i am enjoying them as part of my meal - yummy!!

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

1. start a non-profit helping people in poverty & addiction take steps into a fuller, richer life.
2. fund as many organizations that are truly helping people trapped in poverty.
3. realize that god loves me way too much to trust me with a lot of money, because if i'm really honest i'd probably dive head first into any and every addiction on the planet....

5) Three of my bad habits:

1. wasting time on the computer
2. avoiding the things i'm supposed to do
3. re-hashing every social interaction i have and analyzing it to death becoming more and more paranoid that everyone hates me, i should have kept my mouth shut and i should never leave the house again...

6) 5 places I have lived: (i'm anonymous, so i'm going to be vague, just because i'd like to stay that way...)

1. eastern iowa
2. chicagoland
3. southeast wisconsin
4. maritimes, canada
5. pittsburgh area

7) 5 jobs I have had:

1. file clerk for a busy medical clinic in high school - i loved that job!
2. camp counselor
3. baker @ camp
4. closet/storage organizer/designer, store manager
5. chamber maid (lasted one weekend - for some very wealthy people who had a summer mansion in our town - hated it, had to wear the little white dress & serve them their after dinner drinks - the place smelled like bengay and made me feel like i was an extra in a movie)

8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:

deb
penni
tex
steve
hope

woman at the well

this is so powerful.



thank you jennifer!

Miss Potter

i haven't watched a movie for myself in months. i decided yesterday, as a gentleness break to take some time to watch Miss Potter. it was so beautiful, inspiring, as a woman, an artist and a writer. i fell in love with it.

i had to stop it at the beginning and run and get my journal so that i could write down the quote she opens the movie with:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you."

i knew immediately that i would love this film. i did. it pulled me in as i watched this woman far before her time navigate so many of the areas of life i need assistance and inspiration in. it was beautiful.

a couple more quotes from the film:

"My mother and I have come to an understanding. We've agreed not to understand each other."

and this one, after purchasing a farm connected to her property was my favorite:

"Please sir, I am no longer in the habit of being lectured to and thankfully I no longer require your approval or anyone else's."

beatrix potter was an amazing woman. how i wish i had someone like her in my life now.

they end the movie hearkening back to it's opening quote, but include a bit more:

"There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You can never quite tell where they will take you. Mine took me here, where I belong."

it is a wonderful story and i highly recommend it.

trading my inheritance for a bowl of stew

my friend here not knowing anything about the place i am in writing on this blog lent me a book yesterday to read a chapter on sabbath & food - she knows of my struggle, but did not know her timing was so perfect. it's called The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath by Mark Buchanan and in chapter eleven, "Feast - Stopping to Taste the Kingdom" he makes some profound points about our relationship to food as Christ followers.

he begins by telling a story about watching girls on a ride called "the mad hatter", three enjoying it and one turning greener and more ill with every go-round. she eventually was sick. he writes:

"That happened a long time ago, but I've never forgotten it. I wish I could. It's become a kind of metaphor for me, that Whirligig, that Mad Hatter. It's become a symbol of the power of amusement to make us sick. Pleasure can be like that: a thing that spins you round and round, faster and faster. Some people enjoy it immensely, at least for short bursts.

They lean into it.

Others aren't doing so well.

Of all the ways our culture spins us dizzy, its obsession with food is one of the most glaring."

he then quotes Dorothy Bass, "Without a fast, It's hard to recognize a feast."

it is his contention that the sabbath was made for feasting, and because we feast continually in our culture we are rarely able to celebrate the sabbath because we are so stuffed all of the time that we are never truly hungry. he then unpacks about 4-5 stories about food and people, some of them biblical. the conclusion he draws from the story about the jesus and the women at the well and his solution to this is off for me. i was really tracking with him up to that point, but i don't believe that when jesus tells the disciples after his interaction at the well that 'he has food they know nothing of and it's to do the work of his father' that work is the solution to over-eating. i have seen work abused and traded for eating, even the good work of god - my own husband stands as evidence for this, and i too can loose myself in the work of god much to the abandonment of the present i am called to.

but it did broaden the breadth of my thinking on this. buchanan ends each chapter with a sabbath litury and in this one he uses the story of esau and jacob and what he wrote didn't pull at me as much as just thinking about that story in the context of my own story. what am i trading for my inheritance? how is food becoming more important to me than what is truly precious? how can being hungry and doing without teach me more than being full and stuffed to the gills? i know that i have "misplaced hunger" and an "appetite gone awry" - so today i am thinking about my "mess of pottage" and what i'm trading it for.

i am officially writing

i have officially begun writing the story that has been floating in my head for the past 3-4 years. i've only told two people about it and i need to pour any steam i can generate into the writing instead of the talking about it - but it feels good to have finally begun to put pen to paper (and actually it is pen to paper as it has always been moleskine and pen, not computer and typing so far). when inspiration strikes i just have to put the thoughts down on paper.

i'm really loving it. so if you pray please do so for me to keep embracing the creativity when it comes.

god laughs & plays - david james duncan

this review has been staring me in the face for months - i finished the book (which took far too long - but it was too rich to read quickly) back during march break, but because my kids were home i couldn't string two intelligent thoughts together to actually write it then. so today i will be writing this and giving it far less passion that i would have (unfortunately) written with at the close of the book - but i will do my best to give it the regard i think it is due.

david james duncan is mind-blowing for me - i don't agree with nearly everything he writes - but it was like sitting down to a celebration turkey dinner - eating the meat and leaving the bones - the meat was some of the most juicy, tender, rich meat that i have ever found. he writes with the passion of a man who has spent much time pondering and in tune with both god and nature and thinking big deep thoughts that spring from that time alone.

thoughts he wasn't churning from others - but from a furnace rooted within himself - i loved the originality of many of this thoughts - thoughts i had never been exposed to and introductions to concepts that are fuel for my own furnace. thank you.

my truly favorite part of the book i have already blogged on here:

benguines

i loved being introduced to duncan's inspiration - meister eckhart and his dear friends the benguines - women of incredible passion, love of god and the heart of being christ to their world. it is one of my life's goals to emulate them, learn more about them and one day begin a benguinage in their honor. duncan's honor of this mystical female touched something subterranean within me and gave a structure to the passion i have to create community and a sustainable, creative lifestyle that truly reaches to the heart of helping those most in need of this life. i truly had no idea that women like these had gone before without being nuns. it truly was life changing for me.

most of the time i read this book i found pencils far away - so i ended up dog-earing my copy of the book so much - the deeper the turn of a corner the more profound the affect the idea put forth resonated with me.

the deepest corner points to the time in the chapter entitled "De-bore-HA!" when this grade-school storyteller realized that loosing his life in the story he told was part of christ's very own words "He that loseth his life shall save it." He also quotes Flannery O'Connor "No art is sunk in the self, but rather, in art the self becomes self-forgetful in order to meet the demands of the thing seen and the thing being made." And W.H. Auden "To pray is to pay attention to something or someone other than oneself. Whenever a man so concentrates his attention - on a landscape, a poem, a geometrical problem, an idol or the True God - that he completely forgets his own ego and desires, he is praying."

this gave me back something i had lost. i'm still furnacing what that is, but the beauty of being lost in creation as a prayer to the creator deeply moves me in at a level so deep i have rarely felt it's equal.

the other deep place i found in the book was when he spoke of trying to verbalize a deep spiritual moment of loss in his life and finds words strangely inadequate:

"When I later tried to write of the experience, I ran into a familiar wall: the event had not really been personal, it had been spiritual, and only the spirit has spiritual experiences. So when the limited "I" tries to write of such experiences that the soul and mystery of them vanish and what remains are what Merton calls "itsy-bitsy statues" of a spiritual experience.

I abandoned my attempt. Years passed. Then one day, while I was lost in the effort to create a long work of fiction, a character in my story unexpectedly, almost effortlessly underwent the very experience that I, as an "I" had been unable to capture at all."

this is why fiction is so important. this is why tolkein and lewis had to create another world to tell their stories - this is why we must keep reading and writing and watching the stories, because the truth dwells there in such a safe way that our hearts are able to find it when we are ready. this is why story finds such a sacred place in my soul. it gives voice to the "I" when I am unable to find it alone.

i think too that this is why it is so hard to blog on a trip to africa (mike) or my experience at "the path" at linwood house years ago - those deep places were spiritual, not personal - we find there truths that will filter into and out of our lives in ways that are not intentional. no personal words will do - they would only be 'itsy-bitsy statues' instead of the tribute we long to give them as they have played such monumental places in our lives.

i also blogged the last highlight i want to make here in a post for lisa samson - all of us who have the author buried deep in our souls need to know this truth. duncan understands this and verbalizes it so importantly here that i'm going to quote it again. i truly believe that one of the best ways to live out kingdom compassion and justice is by telling stories:

One of our greatest human traits is compassion, which means, literally "to suffer with another." But this high art is seldom born in an instant as a response to watching the TV "news," or even in response to firsthand experience. More often compassion's seeds are sewn via preliminary magic known as empathy. And empathy begins with a fictive act; What would it be like to be that black girl four rose in front of me? a little white girl wonders in school one morning. Her imagination sets to work, creating unwritten fiction.

In her mind she becomes the black girl, dons her clothes, accent, skin, joins her friends after school, goes home to her family, lives that life. No firsthand experience is taking place. Nothing "newsworthy" is happening. Yet a white-girl-turned-fictitiously-black is linking skin hue to life, skin hue to choice of friends and neighborhood, skin hue to opportunity and history. Words she used without thinking - African, color, white -- feel suddenly different. And when her imaginary game is over they still sound different. Via sheer fiction, empathy enters a human heart.

To be a Christian, a Buddhist, a Muslim, is to immerse oneself in unstinting fiction making. Jesus's words "Love they neighbor as thyself," to cite a famously ignored example, demand an arduous imaginative act. This deceptively simple line orders me, as I look at you, to imagine that I am seeing not you, but me, and then to treat this imaginative me, alias you, as if you are me. And for how long? Till the day I die!

Jesus orders anyone who's serious about Him to commit the "Neighbor = Me" fiction until they forget for good which of the two of themselves to cheat in a business deal or abandon in a crisis or smart-bomb in a war -- at which point their imaginative act, their fiction making, will have turned Christ's bizarre words into a reality and they'll be saying with Mother Teresa, "I see Christ in every woman and man."

True, the ability to love neighbor as self is beyond the reach of most people. But the attempt to imagine thy neighbor as thyself is the daily work of every literary writer and reader I know. Literature's sometimes troubling, sometimes hilarious depictions of those annoying buffoons, our neighbors, may be the greatest gift we writers give the world when they become warm-up exercises for the leap toward actually loving our neighbors. Ernest Hemingway's is the definitive statement about this. "Make it up so truly," he said, "that later it will happen that way." This, I dare say, is Christ-like advice, not just to those practicing the art form known as fiction writing, but to anyone trying to live a faith, defend the weak, or sustain this world through love.

as you can tell, this book moved me deeply. i look forward to reading duncan's fiction. while i can't recommend every thought or premise he ponders and writes on i will highly recommend this book for anyone who longs to write, think deeply on spiritual truth and enjoys the natural beauty of a trout stream from the eyes of one who i imagine finds god there.

disclosure: i was provided this book through adam walker cleaveland's blog pomomusings and triad institutes generosity.

thinking blogger meme

sarah louise of the many pink sneakers was kind enough to nominate me as one of her 5 thinking bloggers - it's a meme you've probably seen floating around the blogosphere.

the part i play is following up by naming 5 blogs that make me think - far too many have already been nominated, but i think i have 5 on a list that i at least haven't seen post their 5 - so hopefully i don't overlap.

willzhead - i emailed will about 2 months ago because i had an 'ah-ha' - i had been grieving how frail tony campolo seemed at the last NYWC (he looked FANTASTIC on the hour last month, so i'm not so freaked out anymore) but i was telling god that he had better get on the stick and raise up another prophet quickly to fill tony's shoes - i had a sense after that prayer that god said 'it will take many to fill those shoes" - and will samson was one of those people i know god is going to use to speak into these deep places that tony has always proclaimed. i have yet to meet will and his amazing wife - but hope to one day!

waving or drowning - mike todd is another prophet whose voice i adore. he is so passionate and gifted and i can't wait to see the platform god is going to give him. i have had the opportunity to meet mike a few years ago at linwood house, an incredible ministry he and his wife work very closely with.

the corner - bob carlton is a most gracious man -with a sense of humor and the ability to tie together spirit, truth, concept and life in a beautiful way. he regularly makes me think and i can't count how many times he's given word to thoughts that have been hovering on the edges of my mind that haven't found words yet.

best and worst - my anj - oh my anj - she has a perspective on life and love that i've never found in anyone else before. she makes me think and feel and understand and fathom thoughts and ideas that i have to reach on my tippy, tippy toes and can only brush with my fingertips. like that ripe piece of fruit just teasing me on the tree branch over my head. she is strong, she is opinionated and she is woman - i love to hear her roar!

ianua.org - renee, iphy - she's the reason i'm here. reading her words gave me hope that my own story had value. her's has touched my life in the deepest places. places i had blocked out, long ago forgotten, places that i didn't even ever want to know existed. renee lives in those places with integrity and honesty that is so brutal and beautiful - she's like the deepest color of purple that exists - so dark and rich are her words.

max wax

one of my favorite people i've never yet met is max hsu of superchic(k) fame. he's so talented, funny and generous. i remember a couple of years ago opening my inbox to an email from him that said 'thanks for all the nice things you write about superchick" or something like that - totally unsolicited, so incredibly validating.

max has a blog that i read whenever he posts, about 3-4 times a month and today he shows that he's as masterful at storytelling as he is a producing music and photography.

you can find it here:

Life after happily ever after. The true story of a fairy tale ending.

oh, and you have to look at his photos.

and here's a picture of his puppy dog, brynn, that is just too cute for words:

lions, tigers and orangutans oh my!

this story was just what i needed today:

CNN - Tiger, Orangutan babies bond as inseparable playmates

spiderman 3 - the greatest battle lies within

the first trailer for the new spiderman movie is out and sap that i am, it made me cry. i was doing some research for a trip that pink wants to go on with her class as they've discussed seeing this movie at the IMAX on their trip and i wanted to know if it was appropriate for 5th (almost 6th! graders).

from what i have seen so far, it is beautiful. revenge, forgiveness and finding the strength to ask for help. what a story of recovery.

you can see trailer one here:

spiderman 3

your voice is powerful and strong

"...your voice is powerful and strong..."

those were the words i received in an email last night from the director of the documentary project i participated in before we moved here. it is almost finished and my story has made the cut. i am exhilarated. i couldn't be happier at the idea that somehow my 'small' story might reach and help others in a far wider spectrum than i ever imagined. it's amazing to me to realize that it's going to be coming 'out of my mouth' and not my fingers. does that make sense?

film is a far different medium than blogs - the legs on this are so strong and far reaching. i truly am amazed that this has all happened.

my story will be along side of those who endured 9-11, hurricanes and global tragedies. it hardly seems possible. i honestly figured that the director, kind and sincere as she is, was just humoring me, using my story as filler just in case the other "real stories" didn't pan out. to find out last night that mine did has filled me with extraordinary emotions i am quite unfamiliar with.

i will be blogging on this in the future from my 'named blog' as i now cannot escape that my story, my face, and my name are going to become 'public knowledge'. it might be too easy to link "me" with "me" otherwise. it won't be the end of the world if that happens, it just might be easier if it doesn't. i just wanted you to know as you were all so supportive before, during and after the filming process.

your voice is powerful and strong... ironic isn't it?

redemption is a beautiful thing.

renee's story made miami ink

i was watching miami ink with liam tonight and the lead singer, mr. j from the procussions was on getting his tattoo 'forgive us' and he went on to tell the story of reading renee altson's 'stumbling toward faith' and how much it impacted him.

it was really beautiful.

see, our stories are where redemption is found.

love you renee. thank you for being so brave.

to write love on her arms

at the nywc this year we were provided with a teen girl mag called 'niNe' - i hoped that it would be appropriate to give to my pre-teen pink, so i've been reading it to see. it's way above her right now as it talks about relationships and is far above her head space on navigating things like that (thank god).

i came across a very provocative ad in the magazine that used the "f" word and it shocked me so much i had to follow it down. if you've read this blog long enough you'll know that i'm not offended by swear words and use them rather frequently (much to liam's frustration) myself. this just seemed so incredibly out of place. i had to know more.

what i found is the new face of the church. 20 somethings ministering right smack dab in the center of their world. it touches me deeply. so deeply that i wanted to share it with you. hear renee's story, see the amazing good these young people are doing.

my space
website - twloha.com
renee's story
where the title came from

i am moved. this is love.