a heart for service

this week has gotten busy again. i've got too many projects on the go and feel like my brain is just getting pulled in too many directions. i need to sit and make some lists to calm my thoughts down and i just don't have the time or energy. maybe tomorrow. i got another chance to talk with my dad and he feels better than he has in ages. i think his appendix has been bothering him for longer than he realized.

today i head to the foodbank to help them organize all of the donations for their garage sale friday and saturday. liam and i took all the overpriced leftovers from our church garage sale over on monday and i think that should give them a good base for theirs along with the stuff from their basement. D (what i'm calling the director there) said that they've never had such a good handle on their stuff before - knowing where it all is and having quick access to it. it will be even better when we can get that stuff cleared out and i can re-shelve that space so it will be more workable for them throughout the year.

god is doing something amazing here. liam's position has been integral in allowing him to get the pulse of our community, in the town and the county as a whole. he has been leading our areas non-profits in gathering together to network and begin to get their ducks in a row for the provincial liason who is coming in june to meet with them. she is hosting listening meetings all over the province to hear what the area non profits need and will take those talking points back to the provincial government and seek to begin to meet the real felt needs of the communities. the liason is an incredible woman who has been working for the poor for decades.

what has happened here in our county is that because of these breakfast meetings the non-profits have begun to dialog and interconnect in a way they haven't before and when they meet in a couple of weeks they will be able to all ask for "one list" of workable plans instead of 40 different lists all looking out for their own work - and this list is brilliant. little on the list costs anything - it's mostly about permission. clearing red tape, opening access to things the government is doing already. it is so intuitive and inspired i just know god is in it.

D told us while we were there monday how encouraged she was to see everyone working together and how important it was to have someone new to help gel them and overcome the personality pitfalls that have plagued many of them for years. i am so proud of liam and the work he is doing. these people have no advocate, they all work so hard to care for the forgotten. it is incredible to see how this is all coming together and how excited people are in working together. coming into this with a heart for service instead of looking for power has really been a living witness and the kingdom is breaking through in places that we could never imagine. it's very exciting.

the next steps

thank you for your support - i felt it. the meeting(s) went really well, very different from what i hoped/feared/expected - and that is really good. i think my biggest fears, which i expressed to him, was either being shut down or sent out - too small or too big - and i got real, interactive questions, wisdom and encouragement. what i liked best was that he pushed me, he didn't just listen and say 'go for it', but he challenged some thoughts i had, taught me about the community and really interacted with me on this.

a lot was redeemed for me just in the dialog and interaction. i also talked about how freaked out i have been by men in authority, especially spiritual authority and how far too many times in my life that kept me silent. just talking to him in and of itself was a huge step for me, and having him really interact with my thoughts was so honoring.

he did say that he has seen so many 'idea people' just be that and only that - idea people. lots of talk, little action. and from my own life i can see that is true - so the HUGE idea wasn't where he resonated with me, he did though encourage me to begin testing the call, begin to see if it's real, if it works and if it's really a good fit for me. i liked that, i guess i just assumed since it made me so uncomfortable it must be from god. i don't think i would have made this one up. it's not like hearing the call to beach ministry or something. there really isn't anything glamorous about serving the poor. but knowing that i can say 'no' is quite empowering. it takes on a different perspective, i am not a slave to it, but a willing participant.

he also talked about the dynamics between the local churches and how a lot a time and energy can be burned up in the creating of the networks. he encouraged me to get to know the people who are already doing the work and get a feel for what exists already. pastors in our community are quite transient, so i think i'll need to be a bit more subversive and find those in the community who have this passion instead of the power structures who come and go.

there are three women who are doing really good work in the community already and he encouraged me to shadow them for some time. two of them are already good friends at church, and we have already begun talking about the work they are doing, both through the church and in the community. the other woman is the head of the local food bank, so i'm going to volunteer there to get to know her, the people she is helping and the community itself. this will fold beautifully into the work liam is already doing in town as part of his job.

i left feeling like i had real, tangible goals. i feared i would leave feeling overwhelmed and drained, even before i started. i don't. i am hopeful, excited and looking forward to getting my feet wet.

retrospective

ah 2006, it hardly seems like you were really 12 months long, and yet so very much has happened i can hardly believe it's only been 12 months.

i spoke with my good friend, the worship pastor's wife, from our old church this morning and i can hardly believe that this time last year we were still there. not at the church, but in that community. it hardly seems possible.

hearing how bad things are there now makes me even more grateful that we have moved on. whoa. we definitely got out of there in the nick of time. i feel so badly for her, still trapped, with her husband killing himself for ungrateful people. it surely isn't what god meant ministry to look like. how did the church get so off track?

so today, i am grateful. to be gone, to be free, to be settled in and living life at a pace that allows for life to be enjoyed. even though this past year was filled with packing and moving (twice) i know that we are placing down roots into fertile soil. god is calling us to minister in new ways here and it is good.

i am looking forward to what 2007 holds. it seems to be a year of vast opportunity, farewell 2006, you served us well. i'm glad this transition time is over and the settling in has begun.

youth ministry - the next 50 years - part two

you can read part one here

i have separated these because this second half was influenced by an article i read this morning in the new york times and i had developed the thoughts in part one over the past couple of days and didn't want them influenced by this. i almost tossed them out because this article, it raised so much emotion within me. i think it's important to note some of that here.

New York Times: Evangelicals Fear the Loss of Their Teenagers

as stated in part one i have personal experience in the evangelical mainstream and have seen first hand a lot of what is referenced in the article. much of it now makes me squirm. the very things highlighted as crucial by those interviewed here are the very things i find so damaging and i think might be the very cause of the exodus they seem unable to explain.

i know, who am i to argue with the powers that be? voices like josh mcdowell and ron luce - they are heavy hitters with huge platforms. but i fear that much of what they have built is the cause of a lot of those who truly want a personal relationship with god becoming frustrated and becoming the be-leavers. those who still hold faith, but can't participate in the formal incarnation most churches hold to.

i see that the same tactics that are being used to influence voters are being used to influence church-goers and youth. so much of this message is based in fear.

hear the verbs in these sentences:

"evangelical Christian leaders are warning one another that their teenagers are abandoning the faith in droves."

"Their alarm has been stoked by a highly suspect claim that if current trends continue, only 4 percent of teenagers will be “Bible-believing Christians” as adults."

"We’ve been working as hard as we know how to work — everyone in youth ministry is working hard — but we’re losing.” (Ron Luce)

"The board of the National Association of Evangelicals, an umbrella group representing 60 denominations and dozens of ministries, passed a resolution this year deploring “the epidemic of young people leaving the evangelical church.”

do you you hear the fear?

ron luce compares himself and his draw to paul mccartney in the article (yes i know editing can do strange things, but the fact is he mentioned paul mccartney. does it seem as lame as john lennon comparing himself to jesus?) he is competing with a world and an enemy he can never beat. he was never meant to beat.

the article goes on to talk of fighting the great beast of materialism and the worldly culture - like changing the t-shirts on america's youth will somehow change their destinies and futures.

when did we take the bait church? when did we loose our way? the battle is within - not without. the armor of god is for your very souls - not to wage war against the world.

the inner battle is where we belong. not fighting against pop-culture and the media. they are not our enemies. taking every thought captive - now there is our work. that is what we're supposed to be teaching our youth.

how have we become the people who scare the hell out of everyone instead of show the love of christ? we have so lost our way. fear not. fear not. fear not.

we still don't get it.

i remember being at the national youth workers convention about four years ago and a wonderful old black preacher man was there. he talked about the stump from isaiah 11 - the nation of isreal being hacked down to the root because what had been allowed to grow was so ugly and distorted it couldn't be recognized anymore. oh do we need to pay attention here. this looks NOTHING like jesus people.

50 years? i have no idea what the next 50 years will hold. my own children will be having babies by then - god i hope we're on a better track by then than we are now.

love not fear. please. love.

youth ministry - the next 50 years - part one

if you are here from the christianity today link the article about ron luce you are looking for is here - youth ministry - the next 50 years - part two

the president of youth specialties, mark oestreicher (marko) has kindly tagged me (after i suggested some female perspectives) to write on the future of youth ministry. christianity today just published a 'future of the church' in the next 50 years and wrote a short article about where church youth experts believe we're headed.

the article wasn't as satisfying in it's breadth as marko hoped so he has tagged a huge variety of voices to give their input. as the wife of a youth pastor and one who has a great love for tweens and teens and participated in youth ministry for the past 20 years, i have my own share of thoughts on this matter. i have purposefully not read any other perspectives except marko's post and the CT article yet, so i am able to bring my own insights to the table here.

standing apart from youth ministry for this past 12 months has given me a lot of perspective. things have crystallized for me that once were curiosities or wonders. questions and difficulties that were raised in me while ministering are now finding answers and clarity.

i observed that during our time in paid ministry over the last 10 years that many parents and church leaders, usually the ones with the bible training and a lot of the power in the church, really want their children programmed with all of the right information to get them through the next 10-15 years of their lives without loosing their faith or their way. it is motivated by well meaning, loving people - but i feel it is misguided at best.

information will never transform anyone.

the push to indoctrinate the youth of the church, while successful in the two to four years you have their attention, cannot create the permanent lasting change the parents and church leaders hope to maintain in their children's lives.

because much of this indoctrination they hope to instill in the youth is so lifeless they must dress it up in rock-star clothes and hype it up with great displays of emotion and crusade-like events, hoping that in and amongst all of the window-dressings the truth of god will be consumed like the crushed up pill in the spoonful of honey.

somehow we have lost our way. jesus didn't come to earth in 2006 for a reason. in my opinion he came at the least opportune time for relay of information and message. i would have thought that god had more brains than that. cnn, mtv, satellites, dvd's - all of these things could be used to convey the powerful message he wanted his church and the world to hear. but he didn't. and he didn't because it's not supposed to be translated that way.

it's organic, it's viral. it's supposed to be about relationships. it's supposed to be spread like the cold my son brings home at the beginning of every new school year.

human contact is where it's supposed to happen. the man, who started this whole thing, said before he died 'numbers dilute giftedness'. yac had his finger on the next 50 years 10 years before anybody was really paying attention. bigger is not better. stronger is not more powerful. power is not in the glitz, the glamour and the games.

i think the best thing that is ever going to happen to youth ministry (and the body of christ) is the bankrupting of these great, grand edifices and campuses that are popping up all over north america called 'church'. when the economy drops out and people cannot sustain the big show anymore we will have to be reduced back to the basics. we will have real need, and be forced to face community with our hands empty and have nothing to offer except a shoulder to cry on and the love of jesus.

indoctrination won't help that freshman in college get through their first philosophy class at university. all that was poured into them will go up in a puff of smoke. it will evaporate. it also won't get them out of bed on sunday morning after that big party in the dorm on saturday night. the church in their college town just doesn't feel like the one 'back home' so they don't go.

we have spent so much time teaching out children to fall in love with church that we've forgotten to teach them that god loves them and invites them into relationship no matter what - no matter where.

i played a lot of team sports in high school. i was even all-state and the captain of my volleyball team my senior year. it takes a lot to maintain a love for volleyball when you're 40 years old and have two little kids.

i watch those raised to run or swim, or even play golf or tennis with a lot of envy. i never built those muscles. they are still running, and swimming and playing tennis - they can pick up and do those things any time they want to. they are able to maintain their relationship with their sport alone.

i think teaching youth to fall in love with the team sport of youth group is just as dangerous. yes we are meant to be in community - we are meant to be members of things larger than ourselves - but if we can teach youth that their relationship with god is their's and their's alone they can take that with them wherever life leads them.

they don't need the hype of a convention, the altar call with all of the tears or the activity of the group to keep them connected.

because our spiritual journey is a personal relationship with god we are meant to walk much of it alone. giving teenagers tools for this kind of life will take them far further into the future than any indoctrination ever could.

spiritual disciplines more developed than 'read your bible and pray more' would give them the ability to weather the storms of life far into their adult years. simplicity, silence, solitude, contemplation, contentment - i know it wouldn't blow the doors off the church or increase the numbers at youth group but what would it look like if we truly gave the those hungry teens in our communities the ability to commune with god? where would it lead them? where would it lead the church?

i don't know what the next 50 years will hold for youth ministry or the church, but i do know that if this happened maybe the church might not look any different, but the world surely would.

the thumb in my back

i've been doing a lot of thinking and praying on the things that push us. the culture, especially the christian one, that we left when we moved was filled with 'driven' people. really driven people. everything moved so fast and very few really took the time to be present to themselves, to god, their families or especially their emotions.

the pace of life was so hectic. we found that in choosing the discipline of simplicity we were more able to see the chaos in the world around us. the maritime pace here is much more conducive to the way we want to live our lives.

i have noticed though that there are still some here (most of them in ministry of some sort) that still choose that lifestyle even though the culture here moves much more slowly and is very present to the people in community. they really take time and smell the roses, sit and converse and engage with each other. i really enjoy it. except for those little whirlwinds that blow through town like some dust storm. i guess because it's something we struggle with that i notice all the more. it really breaks my heart.

i think it comes from bad theology. like i said, most of these people are in ministry. what it is about the call of god that distorts our need for quiet, simplicity and taking the time to be present? is the call of god truly just co-dependency and a need to be needed, or do those personality types end up hearing the call because they long to be needed so desperately?

i'm just trying to untie this a bit to understand it better. i think it's pervasive and very destructive. it looks to me like ministry, or the call of god is a large thumb in the backs of so many. what are they avoiding? what are they needing? what is it that drives them instead of calls them?

i have a real struggle with codependency in my own life. raised as i was my culture and theology honed me as a sharp tool to be the true co-dependent wife. it was my call of sorts. there was no way to fulfill it on my own - only through liam. this wasn't either of our intentions and liam was never the caveman demanding my service - but we both hold responsibility for not seeing the unhealthy extremes the church influences this lifestyle upon ministry couples.

one of my favorite metaphors about workaholism and that driven mentality is that of a boiling pot. the steam must escape somewhere. we just keep adding fuel, sitting on the lid and trying our darnedest to keep it sealed tight. the truth is that there will always be a place where the steam escapes. it's a law of nature.

i think that the steam escapes either physically, the workaholic's own body betrays him. heart attacks, strokes or other manifestations of the inability to be the six-million dollar pastor. usually those type of ministers don't last. it's the physically healthy ones we prop up on the pedestals - so then the steam must escape elsewhere.

i think family relations are probably the truest vent. the weakest link in the chain of the family dynamic falls apart - usually that 'black sheep' of a pastor's kid who just can't take the all of the stress that the mechanical family is dishing out.

my greatest fear though is that the steam escapes through sin. the rationalization that happens in the mind of an overworked person is an extraordinary thing. entitlement and payback for slaving away can be so very enticing. convincing ourselves that we "deserve" a break or a reward is so easy. but unfortunately the relational ties in the life of the workaholic are so non-existent true celebration and engagement can't happen. so that desire for intimacy won't go unmet and the minister ends up substituting any fix along the way to fill the gaping void of reward and relationship.

all of these vents create such great shame that the need for the cycle to continue, the need for looking busy, working for greater achievements and avoidance of those who might begin to see the cracks increases at every turn. and the call, meant to be an invitation becomes a burden, becomes that thumb, set deep between the shoulders pushing, pushing, pushing.

shame is the great distancer. the silencer. the uncrossable divide that reminds us of how very ugly the deep things within us are. how truly unlovable we have become. that all of the things we have told those we minister to don't somehow work for us. it is this place far too many of us find ourselves. trapped with no visible way to get out. who can we tell, who will understand. that thumb that is so heavy in our backs somehow in all of the brokenness becomes the thumb of god, so we are at a loss of which way to turn. the addiction seems to be the only way to turn and that continues until the vents blow sky high and life as we know it implodes.

someone finds out, a child gets pregnant or the congregation is tired of the minister who can't engage in the community he tells everyone from the pulpit is so important. what then? the shattered pieces are so scattered can real, true life be restored? can ministry continue? what then?

this was why we withdrew from that driven life. liam and i could see it happening all around us. we knew our own need for approval and being needed was so great that our own family would wind up a casualty someday soon. we needed to withdraw to a safe place to find out if there is really a way for ministry to happen, for that call to be fulfilled that doesn't destroy and wreck all that is sacred, all that is lovely.

i suspect that something at the core of much of the theology is so broken that we can't even identify what it is. something we believe to be true and right about god and ministry is foundationally built on error. on lies. the steam must escape. ministers are not meant to be robots without emotion or flaw. how can they fulfill the work god has for them and not fall into these traps? not feel that the call is the thumb of god in their back?

i have a theory that it's about creating communities of true transparency. i know it's not a new theory, it's not original to me - but i still don't think we've really gotten the ones we've tried right somehow. i don't see any evidence that it's working.

i have the opportunity to teach in november at our new church. i know this will somehow be a small part of that somehow. i think that the 'just keep swimming' mentality isn't working. parker palmer speaks of a hidden wholeness in his new book. i believe that is what we all long for. to be so comfortable in our own skin that we are able to be present in the community we all deeply long for. to know and be known.

i remember when i finally heard those words 'may god's hand be upon you' and sat with them. it has such an oppressive feel to it. 'no thanks' was the first thought that went through my head. that thumb in my back was heavy enough already. then i realized that maybe it meant god's hand stroking my face, lifting my chin to gaze into my eyes. i think that is truly the hope that we all have. getting god's thumb out of our backs and under our chins. i think that comes when we face our shame. when we share it with a trusted soul so doesn't run screaming from the room, but still loves us anyway.

i think that is why recovery works. why being in a room of struggling alcoholics feels more like church than most sunday mornings do. they have looked into the eyes of god and seen their own reflections there.

Does Ministry Fuel Addictive Behavior? - LeadershipJournal.net

i just had this very discussion this week - incredible article:

Does Ministry Fuel Addictive Behavior? - LeadershipJournal.net

Blog Tour for Contemplative Youth Ministry

CONTEMPLATIVE YOUTH MINISTRY
Practicing the Presence of Jesus, Mark Yaconelli

oh to hold in my hand a book with the name yaconelli on the spine - it thrills my heart indeed! please everyone not associated with youth ministry - keep reading - this book is for ALL OF US! it's an incredible resource for all who long for the bridge to the contemplative life. it's heartfelt, honoring and a joy to read. mark has truly taken his time and this book has the taste of fine, aged wine. oh, and the forward by the high-priestess anne lamott is a wonderful surprise and insight into her church and their ministry to their youth (including her son).

first off I LOVE the book, it has been so validating to read as liam and i left a youth pastor position at a fairly large evangelical church within the past 12 months because of our deep desire to have a contemplative youth ministry and the church's desire for him to indoctrinate the youth colliding. i can't wait for him to have the opportunity to read it.

DISCLOSURE: this book was provided to me free of charge by zondervan as christian bookstores are few and far between on this edge of the ocean! i am not being paid or otherwise compensated for this review.

i had a wonderful opportunity to supply mark with questions - many others on the tour have taken the scholastic and vocational perspective on the book - my blog isn't really that kind of place, so my questions are a bit more personal:

First, let me say how much I appreciated the introductions to each chapter - the quotes - from such amazing contemplatives married with quotes from youth and youth workers - it was so honoring. Were these extraordinary people, mystics of some sort, or normal people who had spent time alone with God?

For seven years I worked with very average, normal, in some cases dying congregations, seeking to try and form them in contemplative awareness. The quotes in the book come from people from these churches. They are accountants, electrical linemen, receptionists, part-time and full time youth workers who innocently participated in my work and were introduced to contemplative prayer and practice. To be a mystic is to experience God. We are all mystics. These people were just given the time to notice it, to notice God, to notice the thin, frail, thread of eternity that runs through each and every moment.

My husband and I attempted to bring contemplative ministry to an evangelical church and found so much resistance. Your book was incredibly affirming for me to read because of this. Is there hope for helping that style of church to receive this type of ministry, or are they destined (doomed) to indoctrination only? We found the youth incredibly receptive, but the leadership of the church we were in was threatened and abrasive to our work. We made our great share of mistakes along the way, and I was wondering if you had any advice for youth workers who find themselves in our situation to navigate this in a better way than we did?

It's difficult to work in the church. There are so many egos and insecurities. So many ways that the church has absorbed the values and mores of the culture (sigh). I don't know what the specific "resistance" is that you experienced. Most churches are simply secular institutions with a religious veneer. There's a driveness to succeed, to produce results, to grow numbers, to be productive and efficient--just like any American profit-making institution. Unfortunately, this is all in contrast to the Spirit, message, and life of Jesus. Jesus, to be truthful, is unproductive (in the world's terms), inefficient and the "results" of his ministry are ambiguous (the disciples flee, misunderstand his identity and intentions, etc.).

"Success is not a name for God" Martin Buber once said, nor is it a name for Jesus. And yet most churches and pastors want to succeed. If not success, then what is it we're after? Faithfulness. Transparency to God. Obedience (which etymologically means "to listen"). Our job is to be faithful, Mother Teresa once said, not successful. We don't need churches speaking spiritual truth we need churches that know how to embody the spirit.

To embody the Spirit, we need to slow down. We need patience. We need to pray and wait and trust and listen and then respond. We need to stop running ahead of grace. How do you do this when you have a leadership "driven to succeed?" You speak the truth in love. You find others within the church who will slow down, pray and then move intentionally. Most of all you pray and listen for what God is really asking of you...and then you trust and respond.

As a follow up do you think you can pull a Stormie Omartian and follow up with "Contemplative Senior Pastoring" and "Contemplative Parenting"? You really could make a full career out of this one book title! On a more serious note - how do we get this book into the hands (and hearts) of those in church leadership?

Actually, I am thinking about writing a "contemplative parenting" book. Mostly based on my wife as the positive examples and my own parenting methods as the worst case scenarios. My wife is a natural contemplative...where as I struggle to be engaged and attentive. That's why contemplation is interesting to me...it's something I need. In terms of how to get it to the leadership...give them the book and ask them to read it. Or, for senior pastor types who might dis-regard it...give them Eugene Peterson's "The Contemplative Pastor" or Gerald May's "The Awakened Heart."

On page 74 you write "To stop and surrender is to repent" - it is a small thought that isn't fully developed, but it made me gasp when I read it - in our work-aholic, fast-paced world I can think of nothing that the church needs more than to repent of this kind of lifestyle - I loved the idea that taking time to be silent is a form of repentance - could you expand on that thought please?

More and more I'm convinced that the root of our brokenness, as North Americans, is our inability to be present to God and others. The reason we're unable to be present to others is because we're moving too fast, multi-tasking, moving from one activity to another without absorbing/feeling what we're doing. It's difficult to pay attention when there is great suffering and pain in the world. It's much easier to stay distracted and busy when slowing down often means feeling pain, or helplessness or acknowledging the ways in which we are hurting ourselves, our children or our world.

One month after the United States began the 2003 bombing and invasion of Iraq, a neighbor of mine began to post pictures of the civilian dead. She collected these images from European and Middle Eastern news services, then pinned them to the large sycamore tree that grew along the sidewalk in front of her house. Each photograph was covered by a white piece of paper. Above the images was a sign that read, If you are willing, look and see the suffering and death we're causing in Iraq. One day I took the time to look. The images were horrific. Most of them of mothers and fathers grieving over young children whose bodies had been torn apart from the bombing.

For the next two years my neighbor continued to post pictures on top of pictures until the sycamore became covered in sheets of white paper. I had many occasions over those two years to observe people walking along the busy sidewalk in front of my neighbor's house, not once did I see someone stop and look at these images. More frequently, what I observed was people turning their head to avoid the invitation to look and witness the pain and suffering.

The truth is that slowing down and being present to life is hard and painful. Who wants to slow down and notice a world that is increasingly becoming, what former President Jimmy Carter recently labeled a culture of death. Who wants to slow down and recognize the pain and violence that so many youth are forced to live with. Who wants to pray and become vulnerable to bleeding and brokenness within so many families? Who can really stand to look and see the devastation that is occurring in our natural world? Who wants to be aware of the ways in which our faith, our churches, our ministries seem so inadequate at inviting any real change or hope within people? It's difficult to be present. It's difficult to see and hear. It's also difficult to be vulnerable and aware. And yet, as Biblical scholar Walter Brueggeman reminds us, our central task in ministry is making people aware.

We trust the truth, we trust the stories of faith passed down from generation to generation and most of all we trust God. We trust God that our sins, our brokenness, our fears and mediocre attempts at loving are not the last word. We trust that God is on a mission of love and that love, like Jesus, always comes vulnerable, undefended in weakness and trust. Can we believe that our weakness and helplessness makes us more available to God's love and presence? How do we begin to repent? We slow down. We stop. We look. We listen. We feel.

Your father was/is one of my mentors, I know he would be/is so proud of you and your book. I had a parent, my mother, die early in her life and I wondered if it gives you comfort to know that your dad was able to experience the contemplative life before he died?

My spiritual life is deeply connected to my dad's. I kind of began where he was leaving off. He started reading Henri Nouwen in his mid forties, I read him in my early twenties. So much of my spiritual life was in dialogue with my dad. We were reading similar books and both of us felt excited that we were on to something new and life-giving.

I realized, a couple of years before he died, that much of my motivation in doing contemplative retreats was to provide a place and setting for my dad to experience the contemplative life. In many ways I got to go out and get the formation and training that my dad was looking for and I wanted to share it with him. My dad was a busy man. It was hard to get him to slow down...even harder to get him to do something for himself.

When I started leading Sabbath retreats (five day contemplative retreats for youth workers) I asked him to come and be the speaker....knowing that he would only come if there was work to do. Once he arrived I made him join a small group, see a spiritual director, do the prayer exercises, keep silence, and do everything else the participants were required to do. He did it and loved it and I think his best writing and speaking came out of these weeks of prayer and retreat. I cherish the times that he and I had together sharing our gifts side-by-side. It was nurturing to both of us.

While everyone else was jumping on the publishing bandwagon as soon as the 'ancient/future' scent entered the radar screen of the church I was always so amazed with your patience in writing this book. How did you maintain your time schedule and not bust out of it? Your book is so much better for it. Cut could you tell wanna-be writers like me what it was like for you along the patient process?

You're one of the few people to notice this. When I first started exploring the integration of Christian spirituality, spiritual direction, contemplative prayer and youth ministry I could tell immediately that the Christian marketing forces would want to exploit it (after all, I am the son of a publisher...). When I wrote an article on contemplative youth ministry in 1998 in the Christian Century I was contacted by six publishers and a big time publishing agent. Everyone wanted to do a book. Two different publishers offered me a book line and one publisher offered to hire ghost writers to write under my name.

My feeling, at the time, was that people needed to experience contemplative prayer...not read about it. So I refused to write anything. I then bullied and pleaded with my dad not to produce any books on the subject...he held out for three years. I also called friends at the upper room publishing and other publishing houses and asked them not to publish any books on the subject.

I wanted people to come to Sabbath and other contemplative retreats and experience it first. Of course this was unrealistic and soon books began to come out. Most of them are what I feared...they're written as journalistic books (sort of a tour of contemplative practices) or cut and paste together like any other educational curriculum. Contemplation is about the spirit and attitude or disposition by which we approach life. It's a certain awareness, openess, transparency.

People receive a book from the same place from which a person writes a book. If you have people writing about contemplative prayer...but not experiencing contemplative prayer then the book can be clever or informational...but never transformational. I wasn't ready to write a book from my heart eight years ago. It took ten years of struggling with prayer. Ten years of praying through doubt, grief, disillusionment, struggle, breakthroughs, etc....before I felt ready to write. I'm glad I waited....even though I often wanted to write much earlier.

And this was the question I always asked your dad - who are you reading? Who are the new contemplatives we need to know about?

I love Richard Rohr. He's a radical, Jesus-loving, truth telling itinerant Franciscan. I read all of his stuff.

Gerald May's "The Awakened Heart" is one of my touch stones.

I'm going through Elie Wiesel's works right now...trying to see how he brings together suffering and mysticism and Fredrick Buechner ("The Eyes of the Heart" and his collection of sermons).

And last, but not least - could I please have the recipe for the Famous Yaconelli Fried Spaghetti?

This is actually something I used to have for breakfast growing up and ate it almost every week in college. You chop up one onion a few cloves of garlic and fry it up with plenty of olive oil. Then you throw in spaghetti...already cooked and cooled in the refrigerator. You add lots of fresh black pepper and then top it with fresh Parmesan cheese (in college I used the canned stuff). Now days I also add broccoli or asparagus.

ah, the breakfast of champions! thank you mark! i so enjoyed reading your responses and look forward to what the future holds for you! you carry the yaconelli name so well!

here are the other previous & future stops on the grid-blog tour:

May 8 Jonny Baker
May 9 Gavin Richardson
May 10 Sarah Dylan Breuer she never posted a review
May 11 Jennifer Roach
May 12 Mark Oestreicher
May 15 Dixon Kinser
May 17 Jonathon Norman
May 19 Adam Cleaveland
May 22 Steve Case
May 24 Tim Van Meter
May 26 Lucas Land
May 29 Andy Jack
May 31 me
June 2 Darren Wright
June 5 Kester Brewin
June 7 Lilly Lewin
June 9 Mike King

all i know is that i am honored to be listed with such an amazing group of bloggers and have the opportunity to interact with mark as i blame he and his father for awakening my soul to the voice of god. you can read what i wrote about that here:

god i miss him

i remember

tears of joy

blog tour for contemplative youth ministry

i have been asked to blog on mark yaconelli's new book "contemplative youth ministry" as part of a grid-blog this month. i am honored and excited. the book just arrived in the mail today and i can't wait to have some time to sink my brain and soul into it.

my official day isn't until may 31, but i wanted to make sure you were reading what everyone else had to say too. bob carlton at 'the corner' is the master of the grid-blog and this is what he had to say:

For the next month, Mark will be touring a group of blogs, sharing his story in ways that are unique to that blog and the community that reads it. I invite you to journey along with us, to offer your voice and experience integrating Christian spirituality and ministry.

May 8 Jonny Baker
May 9 Gavin Richardson
May 10 Sarah Dylan Breuer cannot find the link/post
May 11 Jennifer Roach
May 12 Mark Oestreicher
May 15 Dixon Kinser
May 17 Jonathon Norman
May 19 Adam Cleaveland
May 22 Steve Case
May 24 Tim Van Meter
May 26 Lucas Land
May 29 Andy Jack
May 31 me
June 2 Darren Wright
June 5 Kester Brewin
June 7 Lilly Lewin
June 9 Mike King

all i know is that i am honored to be listed with such an amazing group of bloggers and have the opportunity to interact with mark as i blame he and his father for awakening my soul to the voice of god. you can read what i wrote about that here:

god i miss him

i remember

tears of joy

tears of joy

i have a friend who is being wrung out by powerful men in the church. she asked me to pray so that when she meets with them she would be able to refrain from tears. it's a subject close to her heart, and it's moving her deeply. it breaks my heart that in the 'power world' tears are seen as a sign of weakness. i'm praying for her as i type this so that she is able to hold her head high as she enters this meeting today and keep from crying so she is heard and respected by these weaklings. it angers me.

in their short set at the nywc in pittsburgh, jars of clay played 'god will lift up your head' from redemption songs. i haven't stopped singing it in my head since. this song is about breaking through shame.

in pre-teen/teen years my father would get so angry with me because when i walked in public i was always looking at my feet (he once asked my mother why i was looking at my breasts all of the time - sigh). my shame and awkwardness in that stage of my life was so overwhelming that i was unable to look people in the eyes. i still find it difficult to look people in the eyes while speaking to them. hearing the words of that song i realized that only god can take away the shame of my past, the hurt and the horrible choices i've made. only he can lift up my head.

i picture his hand on my chin, raising up my face to look into my eyes. i know that my emerging, the catharsis of this period is bringing me to a place where i will be able to look people in the eyes, stand with my head up and fulfill what god has for me to do.

this year was the first time in 8 years that i have been unable to attend a critical concern at the convention. while we were pittsburgh we were there as volunteers, so the work was more important than participating in my annual discipline of 'practicing the presence of god'. i was really disapointed because mark yaconelli was teaching it this year. the first time i attended it was 8 years ago, and he and his father co-taught the sessions. this year it began on my 40th birthday, and it was all i truly wanted for my birthday - to be reunited and celebrate the event - almost like things going full-circle. it was hard to give that up, but i knew we made a commitment and needed to stick to it.

the first day liam and i were welcoming delegates, a main occupation for the
'affirmation team'. he was dressed in a construction worker's hard hat, safety vest and wings, and i had on a tiara and wings. mark yaconelli happened by and i had the opportunity to speak with him.

it was at that moment that it hit me that i wasn't going to be participating in the critical concern. i wouldn't have chosen that moment, dressed in this silly way to speak with him, but i knew he was only there for a couple of nights and i didn't want to miss telling him how special that time 8 years ago was for me. how it was the first time i ever heard god speak. how it was because of he and his father taking the time in that cincinatti church to take a risk and turn the convention and youth specialties in a drastically different direction. and, of course, i needed to tell him how much i missed his dad and was so sorry for his loss. needless to say, i started to weep, ugly tears, screwed up red faced crying that i hate to do alone, even worse in public, let alone to someone i'm trying to speak with who means so very much to me.

mark was the epitome of grace. he heard my words, saw how deeply moved i was and was so very patient and kind. he told me as i apologized, and i will never forget it, that there was nothing to be sorry for. he went on to tell me that the catholics believe that tears are a spiritual gift, that they are used to water the hard ground to make it soft again. i haven't looked at crying the same way since.

i pray my friend is able to stand in front of those men dry eyed, but more i pray god lifts her head, and that if she cries she knows that those hard hearts need softened by her tears, and that god has given her the spiritual gift far too many in the church shun and disdain.

here are the lyrics to that song:

Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

Chorus:
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong

Chorus

Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

(3X)
God will lift up your head
Soon end in joy

(3X)
God will lift up your head
Soon end in joy

Jars of Clay, God Will Lift Up Your Head

i pray we all soon end in joy.

rhymes with kerouac

I come from a religous tradition that says the Bible is God's final revealed word, that he no longer speaks except through the text (though I personally do not believe this) So for me, all of your answers, and all of the ways in which you experience God - well, it's just wonderful to read!

was visiting 'at the mission' this morning and came across a wonderful thread on hearing god speak. 1/2 way through the comments i found the quote above and felt that same, familiar pull of my ecclesiastical roots - god is silent.

how sad. i lived there for over 1/2 of my life. wondering, wishing, longing. questioning even my own call from god - did i imagine it? am i crazy? the inconsistencies are too vast to even begin to ponder. how can they speak of the 'call of god' on one's life and say god is silent?

hearing god, seeing visions and finding that still, small voice have been the greatest moments of my life. god is not silent. god loves me as much as hannah, elijah and peter - god is as personal as i allow god to be. that 12 inches from my head to my heart was the longest journey i've ever made. all of the theology in the world couldn't stand against the beauty of that still small voice.

the heresey of the silent god is one of the most fundamentally damaging lies the church has ever conjured up. it reduces the power of the holy spirit to an 'illuminator' and 'convictor' - kind of a jiminy cricket, instead of a member of the trinity. the inner teacher is the greatest loss to the church - it sets up so many for spiritual abuse and tragedy. distance from god and impersonal faith and manipulation. i am so grateful to be free - to be liberated from that ugly yoke of lies and fear. it brings such hope and light to life.

thank you god that you are a personal god, that you reveal truth and shed light into my life. that you love me as an image bearer and long to commune with me. please free those others trapped in the lies, perpetuating this dangerous falsehood. empower those under that horrible teaching to find hope and healing too. amen.

when words fail

where to start? last night was incredible, absolutely incredible. the fact that the planning was done by those who 'get it' instead of those who play fake made the night rich with emotion and full of meaning.

when my friend asked to hold the party my first words were "NO" - i knew the the church's penchant for pretend - and i couldn't stomach that. she assured me i was allowed to set the 'rules' and she would make sure they were followed. my rule was 'no fake' - the only people who could talk were people who truly meant their words. and instead of the fancy, schmancy catered meals they do i wanted a real live church pot luck - sadly missing in our church.

it was all that and more. we arrived to a room filled with bright yellows, lime green, orange and bright blue - a celebration. at each place there were small little wooden hearts with words burned into them - simple, unfinished and rough. my girlfriend got up to explain the night and then proceeded to talk about why the hearts - how we are all rough and unfinished and how god is writing these words on our hearts. we sat down - at unspecified seats - both liam's and mine were 'wise' and pink's was 'noble' (the meaning of her name) and buck got 'tender'. my other friend had saved us a seat, but she had no idea about them. it wasn't 5 minutes into the night and i was tearing up.

then i looked down to the card at each setting - it read (our names):

You exemplify
tender, rich and
humble hearts
for God,
for youth,
for men,
and
for women,
for those who seek,
for those who have found,
and for those who struggle
in the process.

"Obeserve how Christ loved us,
His love was not cautious
but extravagant.
He didn't love in order to get
something from us but to give
everything of himself to us.
Love like that."
Eph. 5:2

Thanks for the example
of Christ's love
you are to us.

okay, now i'm really crying. then my girlfriend at the table sees me and starts to cry - how will i get through this evening? we pray and get in line for food, things become much more light hearted.

the room is filled to the brim, and so many told us they were unable to make it because they were out of town. it is a very moving display of affection. and best of all those who maneuvered to remove us are absent - no fakery allowed. the SP and his family are there, but we knew that and were actually glad he'd have to hear/watch/see/experience it all, knowing the whole time he and his cohorts caused all of this. he tried many times to maneuver his way into control of this event. he wanted to tag it on to the mission dessert and my friend protected me (well her husband is head elder now, so that helps...)

we get through dinner and it's announced that there is a program in the worship center (not the little old one - but the big stage) - i have never touched the big stage in all of my time here - i know that in and of itself is going to overwhelm me.

we have saved seats down front center and the youth band (which has been my husband's passion to teach these kids how to truly worship) just rocks - then the power point tribute starts, and they honored me, and then my children - pink sees the pictures of her with her friends and starts to wail. this i am not prepared for at all - i thought of liam and i crying, but never imagined that they would be so moved. now i'm a complete wreck - when we talk after liam and i both had the same impulse to jump up - point at the SP and say 'you did this, we are a family and you did this!' needless to say we kept ourselves at bay and consoled our daughter. then came the tribute to liam - and it was fun and touching.

then one of the elders who had stuck by us got up to pray for the youth and what is next for them. and then came the part i was totally unprepared for.

my bible study got up and gave a tribute to me - i have erased and re-typed, sat in tears for minutes on end - trying to put into words what was said, how it touched me and the redemption that happened as those words were spoken to me and about me from that stage - i was totally unprepared, i never thought that anyone noticed, it was truly beautiful. and then they sang this song:

This is Your Land

Didn't anyone ever tell you
Didn't anyone ever say
Did you capture a vision of glory
As she held out her hand today
It's reaching to the broken heart
Right down to where you stand

Didn't anyone ever tell you
This is your land
Didn't anyone ever tell you
It doesn't matter the last will be first
For the sad and the meek and the righteous
And all those who will hunger and thirst
So let the poor in spirit know
These dreams are not of sand
Didn't anyone ever tell you
This is your land

You'll be given the robes of princes
You'll be flying on golden wings
You will live in pavilions of splendor
Be surrounded by beautiful things
So hold on to these promises
And keep them in your hand

Didn't anyone ever tell you
This is your land

Point of Grace

i had never before heard the song - and as each one sang a verse they looked deep into my eyes and we both cried and they gifted me with such beauty and power. i have never felt more honored and cherished.

then they opened the mikes and let people share memories - laughter, tears, deep emotion. when my friend's son got up - he's going into 5th grade - and told my kids what wonderful friends they were, and he begins to weep, loud, groaning crying - saying 'oh i wish you didn't have to move, i don't want you to move, i'm going to miss you' the room was finished. we were all bawling. especially buck, who takes this time to melt down. 'i don't want to move, weep, weep, mommy, why do we have to move... weep, weep...' i calm and soothe him and we listen to many more share deep words of affection and lives touched. the constant theme of 'you were there when i needed someone, my faith is now my own, you taught me how to serve god, you made it so much fun, you taught me how to have fun..."

then they called us up front, prayed for us, gave us gifts and an envelope and allowed us to have a few words. looking out at that group (from that stage) i was given hope for our future. no matter how very much this process has wounded us, it has released us to next. whatever next may be.

afterward in the lobby one of the mother's said it best 'this is a cross between a reception line and a funeral'... hugs and tears were shared and we were able to put some closure on five really good, really hard years of ministry. so, while i've been able to type out some things that happened, i am unable to put into words the real, intangible things that happened last night, but those things were the most real of all.

frailty

i don't do 'frail' well. i can own my weaknesses and moral failings, but the idea of being thought weak and frail rubs against everything within me. yet i do know that in many ways i am frail. i have stress points in the frame of my soul that when pressed cause me to crumble.

i am not a medically trained person, but i did hear somewhere that when a bone breaks the healing process makes the area of the break stronger. i think that happens too in the healing of the soul. there are areas of my soul that have been wounded. they are healing and strength returns with each step. but if these areas are used by other people or myself to recall shame or wound me, i crumble.

the best thing about being addicted to redemption is that those weaknesses, as i turn them over, are healed and redeemed, and then used to glorify THEM in wonderful and surprising ways.

something incredible is happening here at our church. it started with liam's sermon a couple of weeks ago. he owned his weaknesses in front of the congregation and they responded, oh how they responded. we are still hearing amazing things about how that touched lives.

the most frustrating thing about serving here has been the 'perfection image' that the senior pastor and some of the leadership felt they had to project. it runs counter to everything i believe and hold true. i felt as if i was diametrically different to everything they held up as 'fit for service'. it has been incredibly frustrating and disheartening to keep going and to hold fast to the things i know to be true. all the while being held away from the ability to use my weaknesses and strengths in active ministry outside of the youth program.

it got to the place where real resentment, anger and loathing were building to the point of causing bitterness. i knew that the only way to stop this was to begin to pray for them. to come before god and pray. the problem was that i was unable to honestly pray for anything life giving because of this bitterness.

so the only honest prayer i could pray was 'crack the door lord, i don't know any other way to pray, just please crack the door.'

i told liam this morning that it was really a pretty faithless prayer - it was almost a challenge to god - "they'll never be real, but somehow, some way help them to find that they don't have to project perfection to minister".

sunday was the first signs of the crack in the door. i think the pastor came home from his mission trip and was flooded with responses to liam's and the other staff's sermons - they were grace filled and honest. i think he saw the tide shifting and realized that it was moving without him. it's baby steps, but that's what a crack is isn't it? that's where it has to start. that's where the LIGHT gets in. i'm still skeptical, but very encouraged.

my new prayer is 'open the door lord, heck, take it off it's hinges...' that's a prayer i'm praying in my life too.

last night at recovery i heard from my friend who was giving the lead that the senior pastor snuck in and was standing at the back corner of the room. there is nothing else in the world that i want more than for all of us to be on the same page, not my page, but god's page. nothing more. it has been my heart's desire since we arrived. my constant hope and prayer. i constantly was questioning 'why are we here god? why am i here?'

tears are falling as i write this because i know now that god did hear that faithless prayer, and it's THEIR heart for the leadership and our church to own their frailty so THEY can be glorified.

liam read this quote this morning:

Snowflakes are frail, but when they stick together they can stop traffic.

Vance Havner

i look at the momentum of an avalanche, or the incredible power of a blizzard - our frailties individually are easily used to melt away at us. but together we can affect great change.

dear god, would that it could be so today.

seek justice

one of the missing pieces in my recovery from abuse has been seeking justice on behalf of those who cannot find it on their own. international justice mission is one of the foremost ministries doing global work to free the captive, bind up the wounded and seek justice for the downtrodden.

liam and i have donated a small amount monthly and i have committed to pray weekly for the ministry. they have 3,750 prayer partners currently and are seeking to raise that level to 4,000. for me personally being allowed to involve myself in the lives of bonded laborers and young girls finding freedom from sexual abuse has been one of the most empowering aspects of committing to pray.

it is step 12 in it's finest form for me.

if this is something you would be interested in you can sign up for their weekly prayer email here. i also have permission to forward a copy of their prayer email if you'd like to it, just email me and i'll get that off to you. (there is also a canadian branch for my friends up north - just click on this).

egg hunt

i remember when i was about 10 years old my cousins came up for easter. it’s one of my most vivid memories. my parents decided to take us all out to easter brunch at a local resort, which for our family was a very big deal, we were pushing it to say we were 'middle class'. the resort had set up one of their conference rooms as an easter egg hunt for the kids. i remember the excitement we all felt as we could hardly eat the food placed in front of us that day.

when we were finally excused from the table, we lined up outside the door as we were given instructions. “only one egg each, you can stay in the room as long as you want, but you can only come out with one egg, remember, there is only one golden egg, and the person that brings out that egg wins the prize.”

the room was dark, it had lots of stacking convention chairs and tables in it, great places to hide eggs, especially since we could only feel around with our hands. we were pirates, searching for booty, each of us knowing that we were going to be the one to find that ‘golden egg’ and win the huge easter bunny and basket set at the entrance to the restaurant.

i entered that room feeling like charlie on willie wonka, just knowing i was going to be the one to find that golden ‘ticket.’ we were let into that room, and in the darkness we searched and searched and each found our egg.

i exited the conference room clutching my choice, hoping, praying, wishing my egg to be gold. my eyes hurt from the light of the real world and my hopes fell. i can picture charlie pulling the paper and foil off his wonka bar and seeing the disappointment on his face as his hopes for a bright future were crushed as he realized there was no golden ticket. like charlie’s, my hopes were crushed.

in my 10 short years of life i had never wanted anything more.

that easter basket represented wealth, success and good fortune to me. none of which i suspected i would ever have in my life. i grew up in one of the wealthiest tourist destinations in the midwest. i knew the difference between the ‘have's’ and the ‘have-nots’ - we were the have-nots. this loss just confirmed that for me, it ingrained my deepest fears way down into my soul; etching the word ‘loser’ into my brain. convincing me that others were always going to get my golden egg, and that there were never going to be enough golden eggs to go around.

i feel that way in the kingdom of god many times too. my life has been one big easter egg hunt for a ministry. i don’t know how many times i’ve exited that room with a crummy plastic egg filled six rotten jelly beans while others (mostly men) got the gold egg.

this past year has been a reconfirmation of my hunt, a reconfirmation of my call, that god has something for me that is just for me, the purpose of my life, the culmination of my past and the destination of my future.

i was speaking with one of the elders at my church recently asking for prayer and guidance as i journey this path, and was so moved as this illustration came to me, and as i voiced it to him all of the emotion of the loss of the “golden egg” filled my voice. he heard me, unlike so many elders in my life, he listened, and processed and connected with our father and blessed me with these words of wisdom.

“bobbie, there is a golden egg out there that you should keep looking for. god has given you the gifts of listening and counseling and he has a ministry for you. but on your search for that ‘golden egg’ don’t forget to pick up those other eggs you find. the people along the way that need to be heard, that need your ministry. that are crying out to be placed in your basket as you travel on your search for that golden egg.”

i could weep now in remembrance of that conversation. so many times i think it’s got to be about that ‘big ministry’ that i miss all of the opportunities i have along the way. it is a beautiful picture. the thought that anyone would want to be ‘placed in my basket’ is almost shocking to me, but i love the comforting picture that story tells.

i have a basket, i have a hunt, where it will lead, and if i ever find that golden egg isn’t the most important thing anymore. how i fill it along the way is. god help me to fill my basket and not miss any opportunities i may have to minister today.