god help me to love this man

this was a prayer i prayed a couple of weeks ago. desperate for connection through this place in our journey together. it is an intense place. a place of plowing, upturning and digging in. it is a place of intention. most marriages dissolve before they get to this place. there are not a lot of guides, signs or lights along this path. it is hard. doing nothing is tempting. i think that is what most marriages do. i don't say this from any self-congratulatory place, just an observation.

so i prayed this prayer 'god help me to love this man, help me to understand him, to care about him, not for him, and give me some insight that will bring us closer, not farther apart'. it was a skeptic's prayer, i really said it more as a challenge than a heartfelt plea. i really wanted this, an answer, a lifeline, but figured unanswered it could be an excuse to give up, ignore or place blame, either at liam's feet or god's. i really didn't care, i just wanted to be able to stop having to work so hard trying to find real intimacy and love.

i awoke this morning with a thought bubble over my head. i don't know if i can explain it. liam understood it when i talked to him about it over breakfast, but if it translates here only time will tell.

i awoke with an ah-ha feeling of something that seems quite obvious. it's obviousness made me ponder it all the more, and as i engaged with this thought i felt it sink deeper and deeper into my consciousness. it felt like water reaching the deep places in the earth after a drought. i understood for what might be the first time how ungrateful i have been for how hard liam works.

i explained to him that because his addiction is workaholism the line gets really blurry between what i love and what i hate. if he was a crack addict hating the crack would be obvious, right? hating alcohol would be just as easy. but hating work gets blurry, fuzzy even. my loathing of those things about work that take him away from me, shut down his world and closed him off to the rest of us was right and good, but the ungrateful place in me that never seemed to be able to honor his provision, his determination and diligence was so unhealthy and wrong.

i never thought that when i prayed that prayer this would be the first way that was answered. i was given insight, understanding and sympathy into the struggle he must face daily. as a compulsive over eater i can respect that. with alcoholism or drug abuse, alcohol and drugs can be avoided in life and life can function normally. food cannot. i have to eat. liam has to work. these are both complicated addictions that don't have easy answers and solutions. there is no clear abstinence that is easily defined. the door cannot be slammed shut never to be opened again. work and food are necessities of life. finding the balance in them is the tricky line we must walk in recovery.

i hope that this ah-ha moment might help others who are struggling with this in their marriages to understand their spouse a bit better from the light i was given today. i know it built a bridge between liam and i we didn't have before.

it also nurtured me deeply to know that god stepped into our marriage today in a way that i hadn't suspected before. i know this thought bubble came from god. it wasn't anything i could have conjured on my own. so i will keep praying this prayer. god cares about our marriage and somehow that makes it seem like there might be a reason for all of the struggle.

my monolith

okay, i think i have figured out what the blog silence is caused by. the things i am working through right now are so personal (like anything could be more personal than blogging about your sexual addiction??) that i feel silenced by them. it's really because this stuff is "one flesh" stuff with liam and i, and not just my stuff. i have had, and do have, his permission to blog about/talk about all of this for months - but it is so intimate and deeply tied into the "us" of the one flesh that i struggle to put it into words and fear that i am not just telling my story, but his.

i am just so desperate to untangle all of it, that i've decided silence isn't working for me right now, so maybe blogging will. or i might just write it all out here and hit delete, i don't know.

the cartoon below this post is a good representation of how i've been feeling. AA talks about the big pink elephant in the room that the family pretends isn't there. i can imagine if you're read here long enough you know that living with me is hardly silent or that i allow things to go untalked about. so there is no elephant that we avoid, but there is this monolith that seems immovable and i have grown weary and disheartened pushing against it, bashing my head against it and stubbing my toes on it.

i have admitted before that i am codependent and co-addicted. both liam and i have admitted we are both addicts and our lives are unmanageable. he has also admitted that he is depressed. he hasn't done anything about either of those things, but they say admitting it is the first step. the problem is that i have not realized before the level and depth of how enmeshed i have been into his life and non-existent in my own.

the psychic surgery required for this kind of amputation is brutal and i am not navigating it well. i remember jeff writing of his recovery in alanon that he wanted to learn to care about deb, and not for her. me too. i just have no idea how.

it would be easier to hate him, to be apart from him, to sever everything and have distance. years ago i became very enmeshed in my sister's life. i stepped into the role of 'mom' after our mother passed and our relationship became very unhealthy. she married and i was able to disengage myself from the codependency by totally removing myself from the relationship. i can't do that here. i don't want to do that here.

but i don't know how to make better, healthier, consistent choices that are lasting. i have moments of strength, decisions made and steps taken to remove myself from his gravitational pull, but then i get weak, he gets needy or i am just plain old lonely and i get sucked back in. it's like there isn't time for the wound to heal before we re-attach and have be to surgically removed again - the pain is excruciating.

and it's now come to the point where it is affecting my own addictions and abstinence. food has become a comfort again and i am so afraid. the frustrating part of 'dysfunction' is that it 'functions'. it is sometimes attractive and seems necessary to keep the rest of life moving forward. it's like settling for the lesser of evils just to keep the others at bay. does that make sense?

i can see here how and why couples divorce to solve the enmeshed issues. i know it isn't any less painful, and probably more, but it seems like the distance would make getting healthy a bit easier.

the familiar signs and red flags of liam's addiction have been waving in the past month and i am in panic mode. i am like an acrobat waving my arms back and forth, trying to figure out what it is that i can do to restore the lovely balance we had found. i am always the compensator. the one who levels off the teeter-totter trying to make sure i don't get dropped on my butt or end up hanging in the air all alone.

gosh i'm tired. and confused. and lost. and sad. and so very, very sick of it all.

the good thing is we are still talking about it. it's not happening unknowingly. it's not going to sneak up and bite me in the ass next month, but it doesn't seem to be making it any easier.

the other good news is that i have found support. well, actually support found me. one of the women at our church heard my sermon on cd and knew the 'lingo' i used probably meant i had once done OA. she screwed up the courage to email me and we met last week to talk. we meet again tonight to talk and pray. and next week we begin a support group to talk about our food addiction. ironically she lives in the apartment downstairs. god's sense of humor still astounds me sometimes.

so all is not lost, but dang i'm tired. writing has helped. i know we'll find our way through this, it just seems so dark sometimes.

thank you ted haggard!

i know, strange title, but i am so grateful that what is spilling out over this mess is a dialog about pastors, christians, evangelicals and their views on sex, power and sexual addictions. we are all talking about it now.

i am horrified at some of the responses i am reading though. i am learning so much about people's theology and what they believe about sex, god and women. i think you can learn more about people when they talk about sex and money than when they talk about church and jesus.

i think that's why the bible spends so much time on these issues. they show the heart and soul of a person more clearly than hiding behind flowery church-talk.

if i can introduce anything into the dialog it would be this:

SEXUAL ADDICTION ISN'T ABOUT SEX

please understand this people.

alcoholics aren't really thirsty people.

alcoholism isn't about alcohol.

drug addiction isn't about drugs.

and sexual addiction isn't about sex.

hotel rooms and fat preachers wives aren't the reason that pastors stumble into sin.

addiction, especially the sexual type happens when there are broken parts of the past that have injured the body, soul and spirit of the addict. masturbation, pornography and acting out sexually feeds those broken areas in a counterfeit way that masks what we truly want and can't seem to find a way to achieve.

true intimacy and wholeness sexually would fill and replace the need for this acting out behavior, but because so very few of us have the ability or help to navigate this, we settle for the counterfeit and it becomes the fix.

blaming other things and people for our brokenness is NO WAY to find healing. owning our junk, confessing to god, to ourselves and another human being is THE ONLY WAY we can break through the shame we carry so that we can find the healing and wholeness we all long to have in our lives.

i have a precious son (i also have a precious daughter, we're just not navigating this area right now in her life yet) who has awakened to the opposite sex. he was shown pornography a couple of months ago by a friend and since that time we have been dialogging about it.

this morning he awoke and found me at the computer, reading about the ted haggard story, and said "mom, i'm having a hard time when i see someone not thinking about them without any clothes on" (he is so honest and real, i respect this child-like innocence he brings to this so much).

first i prayed for wisdom. and then i reminded him about what we have been talking about for the past couple of months. this is about building muscles. spiritual muscles, that will help him navigate this journey called growing up. we talked about 'taking every thought captive', and that temptation isn't a sin. those pictures will pop into his head for the rest of his life. learning to set them aside and see that person as real and an image-bearer, instead of reducing them to a 2 dimensional picture or image. this is what will help him navigate this.

i reminded him that i must do this. daddy must do this. and pink must do this. all for ourselves. it's not something we can do for each other. it is our responsibility to learn, stretch and grow.

it is a very sad thing to hear of someone, with much influence, reducing women to ornaments and add-ons to their lives. it makes me weep. i would ask that we would each use what influence we are given to speak out loudly against this. it is theology like this that feeds the broken kingdom that cannot truly minister the love of god.

"There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life," Haggard wrote.

how much more powerful would it have been to his congregation if he had started HERE and not ended HERE?

how much light and life could have been brought into the life of his congregation if he had admitted how hard it was to live his life? love his wife? parent his children? how much more could people have learned from him if he lived transparently - free of the shame and owning his junk instead of the portrayal of the shiny plastic christian with no problems and free of struggle?

if we confess our sins one to another, pray for each other, we will be healed.

james 5:16

god's not enough

found the link to this at hopeful amphibian - thank you mark

I find that pretty well every time I try to beat my addictions or my habits or my struggles on my own, I lose. Then I beat myself up, and then I give up.

When I take the risk of letting someone else, maybe you, become part of the story, I still often lose battles. But then I see that you’re “going for it” too, and your honesty and determination creates hope in me. So that instead of beating ourselves up, there’s the possibility of building each other up, and giving each other the gift of hope. And carrying on.

Being alone is the first thing in the bible that God ever said was not good. For Adam, God wasn’t enough! He needed someone like him. Another person to be with and work with.

We can’t do this alone.

I need to know that you’re going for it. Because then I can too.

read the rest here - God's Not Enough

the thumb in my back

i've been doing a lot of thinking and praying on the things that push us. the culture, especially the christian one, that we left when we moved was filled with 'driven' people. really driven people. everything moved so fast and very few really took the time to be present to themselves, to god, their families or especially their emotions.

the pace of life was so hectic. we found that in choosing the discipline of simplicity we were more able to see the chaos in the world around us. the maritime pace here is much more conducive to the way we want to live our lives.

i have noticed though that there are still some here (most of them in ministry of some sort) that still choose that lifestyle even though the culture here moves much more slowly and is very present to the people in community. they really take time and smell the roses, sit and converse and engage with each other. i really enjoy it. except for those little whirlwinds that blow through town like some dust storm. i guess because it's something we struggle with that i notice all the more. it really breaks my heart.

i think it comes from bad theology. like i said, most of these people are in ministry. what it is about the call of god that distorts our need for quiet, simplicity and taking the time to be present? is the call of god truly just co-dependency and a need to be needed, or do those personality types end up hearing the call because they long to be needed so desperately?

i'm just trying to untie this a bit to understand it better. i think it's pervasive and very destructive. it looks to me like ministry, or the call of god is a large thumb in the backs of so many. what are they avoiding? what are they needing? what is it that drives them instead of calls them?

i have a real struggle with codependency in my own life. raised as i was my culture and theology honed me as a sharp tool to be the true co-dependent wife. it was my call of sorts. there was no way to fulfill it on my own - only through liam. this wasn't either of our intentions and liam was never the caveman demanding my service - but we both hold responsibility for not seeing the unhealthy extremes the church influences this lifestyle upon ministry couples.

one of my favorite metaphors about workaholism and that driven mentality is that of a boiling pot. the steam must escape somewhere. we just keep adding fuel, sitting on the lid and trying our darnedest to keep it sealed tight. the truth is that there will always be a place where the steam escapes. it's a law of nature.

i think that the steam escapes either physically, the workaholic's own body betrays him. heart attacks, strokes or other manifestations of the inability to be the six-million dollar pastor. usually those type of ministers don't last. it's the physically healthy ones we prop up on the pedestals - so then the steam must escape elsewhere.

i think family relations are probably the truest vent. the weakest link in the chain of the family dynamic falls apart - usually that 'black sheep' of a pastor's kid who just can't take the all of the stress that the mechanical family is dishing out.

my greatest fear though is that the steam escapes through sin. the rationalization that happens in the mind of an overworked person is an extraordinary thing. entitlement and payback for slaving away can be so very enticing. convincing ourselves that we "deserve" a break or a reward is so easy. but unfortunately the relational ties in the life of the workaholic are so non-existent true celebration and engagement can't happen. so that desire for intimacy won't go unmet and the minister ends up substituting any fix along the way to fill the gaping void of reward and relationship.

all of these vents create such great shame that the need for the cycle to continue, the need for looking busy, working for greater achievements and avoidance of those who might begin to see the cracks increases at every turn. and the call, meant to be an invitation becomes a burden, becomes that thumb, set deep between the shoulders pushing, pushing, pushing.

shame is the great distancer. the silencer. the uncrossable divide that reminds us of how very ugly the deep things within us are. how truly unlovable we have become. that all of the things we have told those we minister to don't somehow work for us. it is this place far too many of us find ourselves. trapped with no visible way to get out. who can we tell, who will understand. that thumb that is so heavy in our backs somehow in all of the brokenness becomes the thumb of god, so we are at a loss of which way to turn. the addiction seems to be the only way to turn and that continues until the vents blow sky high and life as we know it implodes.

someone finds out, a child gets pregnant or the congregation is tired of the minister who can't engage in the community he tells everyone from the pulpit is so important. what then? the shattered pieces are so scattered can real, true life be restored? can ministry continue? what then?

this was why we withdrew from that driven life. liam and i could see it happening all around us. we knew our own need for approval and being needed was so great that our own family would wind up a casualty someday soon. we needed to withdraw to a safe place to find out if there is really a way for ministry to happen, for that call to be fulfilled that doesn't destroy and wreck all that is sacred, all that is lovely.

i suspect that something at the core of much of the theology is so broken that we can't even identify what it is. something we believe to be true and right about god and ministry is foundationally built on error. on lies. the steam must escape. ministers are not meant to be robots without emotion or flaw. how can they fulfill the work god has for them and not fall into these traps? not feel that the call is the thumb of god in their back?

i have a theory that it's about creating communities of true transparency. i know it's not a new theory, it's not original to me - but i still don't think we've really gotten the ones we've tried right somehow. i don't see any evidence that it's working.

i have the opportunity to teach in november at our new church. i know this will somehow be a small part of that somehow. i think that the 'just keep swimming' mentality isn't working. parker palmer speaks of a hidden wholeness in his new book. i believe that is what we all long for. to be so comfortable in our own skin that we are able to be present in the community we all deeply long for. to know and be known.

i remember when i finally heard those words 'may god's hand be upon you' and sat with them. it has such an oppressive feel to it. 'no thanks' was the first thought that went through my head. that thumb in my back was heavy enough already. then i realized that maybe it meant god's hand stroking my face, lifting my chin to gaze into my eyes. i think that is truly the hope that we all have. getting god's thumb out of our backs and under our chins. i think that comes when we face our shame. when we share it with a trusted soul so doesn't run screaming from the room, but still loves us anyway.

i think that is why recovery works. why being in a room of struggling alcoholics feels more like church than most sunday mornings do. they have looked into the eyes of god and seen their own reflections there.

the law of gravity

kristen at unveilings has a blog post about finding and maintaining your own sense of self. she writes:

I’m learning slowly this week (read: lifetime) about how to love people without bearing too much of their weight. I’m not sure how to get my mind around this one, though, because I believe we’re all interconnected, and that lives don’t have definite starting and stopping points so far as the space we each take up. We’re not paper dolls. We’re more like, maybe…universes.

welcome to my world (or universe?)!!! liam and i have been navigating this cosmos in detail this past 12 months.

what i have realized through much of this struggle is that if i don't hold on to my gravity i become a satellite, or a moon to his universe. and i've awakened, sadly, to the realization that i have done that for the past 20 years. it was bred into me. i was created and nurtured to be a 'help-meet' - that distorted word that smacks of satellites and anti-gravity. i found that i had never even explored the dark side of the moon.

reversing this and it's magnetic pull is such a procedure that i'm sure it's what rips most established marriages apart.

we both know the way it has been is damaging to us both, but these ruts in our lives have been worn deep, and we revert to them so mindlessly.

to break this cycle and re-write these interactions we are trying hard to put up markers, red flags, if you will, along the way. we need to identify those familiar impulses and reactions as a flag - an alarm to remind us that our gravity is off balance and we're doing it again.

i truly believe this is why long established marriages dissolve or become lifeless and loveless. it's very hard work. both spouses must be fully invested and committed to the process. too many times one (or both) falsely believe it easier to begin anew, start over. or my guess is that one (my fear is it's usually the wife) gives up and reverts back to the old ways. it is truly so much work.

liam and i know that those temptations are lies, the better way, that so few actually ever attain is to continue on, push through, each step is a tiny victory, but a victory nonetheless. the real struggle is that so few ahead of us have truly chosen to walk this path and walk it well. honoring our diverse universes and each becoming fully formed into what god has created us to be.

YOU CAN DO IT! and i highly recommend doing it now before the ruts become too well worn. before the responses become so natural that you forget, forget what anything else ever felt like. exploring the dark side of the moon can be terrifying, and rather depressing. not much has been allowed to grow there and it's work to find 'booster rockets' (friends & vision) that realign the planets into the sun so that things can grow again.

a couple of years ago i was introduced to the image of the mandorla by anj & connie. it is an ancient symbol and it represents for liam and i our goal. two fully formed lives, planets, orbits that exist separately but choose to dwell in connection, alike yet distinct. similar but not the same. equal yet very different. together but not combined.

the website i've gone to for research on this is here - kyrie.com

they define mandorla as:

the symbol of the liminal space in which we are called to "remain"

it is such a visual reminder to use as our guide. we know that an eclipse in either field brings unbalanced life and an overshadowing of another's world. having seen the spectacular image of the sun blotted out, or the moon disappearing - it is such a graphic image that cautions us to remember that the choices we make each day will model one of these metaphors - do we honor each other's orbit or return to the distortion of the eclipse?

the almond shape in the center of the mandorla is where intimacy lies. emotional, physical, spiritual intimacy. it is where liam and i meet as one flesh and true, honoring intimacy happens. to find this place, in balance, is usually a mystery of sorts, but when it does happen it is unlike anything else in the world and it's the most beautiful thing.

i find this supremely important, especially now as our children are at the ages of individualizing and launching into their own new worlds. what does it look like to honor their gravity? how can we model this so they see our mandorla and not an eclipse? how do we keep from eclipsing them? or in reverse, their gravity becoming so strong as to throw off our own?

such big responsibilities and questions. i know this is why so many don't bother. why so many give up. allow another's planet to rob the resources it needs to survive. blot out the sun so that nothing can grow and sustain life on it's own. sometimes i fear that the pull of another's gravity is so much stronger than my own.

god help me to keep my feet firmly on the ground of my own planet today.

that little red haired girl

some of you have noticed i changed the image in my sidebar. i'm trying to link to the artist in the sidebar, but haven't had the time to get her name there, so at least i'll do it here. sidebar painting is done by artist susan fay schauer.

if you click on it you'll be taken to the larger image so that you can enjoy it as much as i do. it's called 'dirty fingers'. although my fingers were probably a lot longer, and my eyes are blue, this is very close to what i would have looked like at that age.

it's safe to say i've become pretty obsessed with images/photos/artwork featuring red haired women or girls. because i can't post my own picture in the sidebar (not that i'd be thrilled with that idea anyway) i have been culling google images in an attempt to find some visual representation of 'bobbie'. unfortunately none are real representations, so i have to make them varied so no one thinks i think i look like any of them! :) most of the wonderful artwork of women i find are far too skinny!

this new hobby has touched on a memory i hadn't thought about in a long time. it reminded me of the emotion that generates within me when i think about charles schultz's peanuts. i grew up with those shows, they marked every holiday, and resonated within my young 'adult free' world. no adults really engaged in my life before 5th grade and most of them sounded like the 'whawhamwhaamwhaa' when they talked to me. if any adult was noticing me it was to reprimand me or give me work to do. the world of lucy, charlie brown and snoopy made me feel like i wasn't so alone.

the memory i had was about charlie brown desperately writing love notes to 'that little red haired girl'. i always wanted to be her. the fact that mr. schultz never drew her into the comic allowed me to be 'her'. to dream that someone pined away for me and thought so highly of me as to be nervous and passionately inspired. i had a secret crush on charlie brown. i despised lucy for hurting him so, and peppermint patty for bossing him around and for everyone for laughing at him over his pathetic christmas tree. he had a special place in my heart.

i always thought i was actually a cross between lucy and peppermint patty in my personality, bossy and sports minded, and in my heart i knew that p.patty's plight was probably going to be mine. he'd be overlooking my red hair for some small, tiny little other red haired girl's. even frieda didn't cut it for charlie brown. it wasn't the hair i guess. there was something mysterious about that little red haired girl. i longed to be mysterious. i longed to have the devotion of someone like charlie brown.


writing the little red-haired girl

i know others found linus' angst or schroeder's talent far more inspiring, but i loved charlie brown because he never gave up. he always kept trying, and his heart, oh his heart was so good.

somehow his devotion was what i longed for. male attention was always far more important to me than female. my father only seemed to respond when i played sports. he was clueless about what to do with a 'girl', but an athlete, that was when i peeked his interest. i think i always thought he wanted a son instead of me.

after the rape somehow in my broken childhood mind even that attention/intimacy was somehow special. instead of turning me cold, it made me desperate for a boyfriend or male attention. i was the proverbial boy crazy girl. irrationally so. i would sacrifice any female friend or activity for any sort of male attention. i longed to be 'that' little red haired girl to someone, anyone.

i spoke with liam this morning explaining the direction this blog post was taking and asked him if he would be offended if i likened him to my 'charlie brown'. even though i told him i crushed on cb he wasn't sure he liked the analogy. he told me cb never succeeded, never came through. i think that 'peanuts all grown up' would show that charlie brown's determination made him a star place kicker in the big 10 and eventually manufacturer of the most successful kite company in the world. i'm still crushing on charlie brown.


i'm so glad he didn't include her in the strip. i think it was just for me.

blogger birthday etiquette

ok, i've been avoiding writing today because it feels so weird to talk about my birthday. i'm not the kind of person who fishes for compliments or well wishes, and telling you all today is my birthday is just plain strange to me.

i don't know about you, but any day that gets my expectations and anticipation up is always a disappointment. not that the people who love me don't do enough or honor me, i just have a huge problem with building things up to unreachable heights and am left feeling glum and melancholy.

it's a dumb way to be, i try to avoid it at all costs, but birthdays, christmas and valentine's always leave me disturbed with myself. today is no exception. i just wanted my father to remember, without having to be reminded. it means so much more that way. no luck. he heard the phone call 'happy birthdays' and checked his watch for the date. he looked at me like i forgot to tell him and ran downstairs to write the check. man i love him, but just once i'd love it if he remembered.

the check always feels like guilt money to me, i'd rather have a daisy picked because he remembered instead of $$ given because he forgot.

liam and i 'celebrated' in dallas. well, actually he forgot (but it wasn't my birthday yet, so he should have gotten grace, but i didn't give it to him... man i can be such a brat). we take one night to dine alone, away from the others on our team. we set aside sunday night and headed to the west end market.

we had been to dallas three years before and i could not have been more stunned that the exact same thing happened - right down to the fight in front of the planet hollywood - drown out by the music from joe's crab shack. you know that i have a difficult time celebrating, i never realized how stunted liam was in this area though before that night. we had a budget, and had saved by having brunch on sunday, so the money wasn't even coming out of our pockets - but liam looked at the menu prices and got sticker shock and just shut down. his 'oh i don't care where we eat, you pick' became a lie to me as i chose and he resisted. i became hurt and very angry and kept walking - until the road ends in front of planet hollywood.

trapped there and beginning the argument i realized that three years, almost to the day we stood in that same EXACT spot, having the SAME exact argument - and then my anger escalated to all out fury. it's a good thing the music was so loud because i was at the point i didn't care anymore. i was so wounded that i didn't count, that i wasn't worth a budgeted meal in a nice restaurant. that we couldn't just once do something, anything without thinking it through to death. that there is no spontaneous joy or carefree celebration. we program joy and fun for others but we don't warrant any of it ourselves.

one of the habits liam struggles with is being 'teflon man' - nothing sticks to him. in his family of origin blame was the hot potato passed from sibling to sibling because the rage of dad fell hard and fast. apologizing becomes a blanket liam lays over everything without specifics and because it is so vague and generalized it becomes meaningless to me. he thinks he's apologized and i should just accept/forgive/move on. i am unable.

when i spoke of my hopes and dreams of redemption of that fight three years hence, and the desire to have just been impetuous and crazy, just once to celebrate my birthday he finally began to understand the depth of the emotion i was dealing with. by that time i was finished. i knew i wouldn't be able to pull it back together enough to sit in a restaurant, even a noisy disappointing one just to sate the hunger. i began to walk back to the trolley. he followed out of obligation, both of us stomping in silence, pain and confusion.

when our dysfunction and family history collides it is ugly, painful and explosive. we sat waiting for the trolley in the cold rain and he finally heard me, apologized specifically and we both cried, tears of healing and of forgiveness. we realized how we both truly wanted the same thing and both had little idea how to achieve that. we decided on a new and different restaurant and enjoyed a lovely meal, far better than we've enjoyed in a very long time. each course was salve to our torn souls, and we shared a beautiful dinner celebration together.

the jars of clay concert followed and we sat in the front row remembering the amazing summer concert we shared at creation and allowed the music to knit us together in a way that words could not. they began to play 'love song for a savior' and liam asked me to dance - we stood and slowdanced and healed places deep within during that beautiful time of intimacy. we skipped the late night options and opted for our own. it was a glorious end to a very intense, deeply emotional day.

so you see, i have no reason to be melancholy today, i truly don't. i just so long to be grateful for what i have, not wishing and grasping for something more. contentment, surprises and open hands is how i long to be. disappointment marking days that should be enjoyed is not how i want to live my life. father, help me to open my hands, learn how to receive what is given without preconceived notions and expectations. help me to be grateful for all i have and am blessed with today, and every day.

The Father's Love Letter

The Father's Love Letter

neritia is speaking deep truth at her blog coming down the mountain about her pain and childhood. she is so very brave.

one of the shittiest things about our finite minds is that god must illustrate himself to us in ways that we can understand, and that usually means that someone can come along and screw that up. (ie, jesus being like the body of christ - church, and god being like our father here on earth).

if our dads drop the ball, or even worse seek to harm us it tells us things about god that aren't true. identifying the lies and replacing them with the truth becomes necessary if we are ever to have intimacy with god in the way he intended.

this site is a good place to start.

i've been listening to 'life of the beloved' by henri nouwen on tape since the kids have returned to school. that is another great step i highly recommend (or reading his book, but listening to his dutch accent is precious) to help replace the lies with the truth and give us a fuller understanding of just how crazy in love he really is with us.

...not as i would have it

this line by itself is a bit obscure. but i think that it is necessary, because 'as i would have it' is after all what every addict wants, right? life as i would have it. now, immediately, make me feel good, less bad or numb. NOW... as i would have it.

that's where i get into the problems. when i go from god's timing to bobbie's timing. NOW. no delayed gratification here.

when i get into 'NOW' mode i think of violet from willie wonka and the chocolate factory (which by the way is a very spiritual film when you think about it, who doesn't want a god to make rivers of chocolate and allow us to fly with bubbles of carbonation??). violet is the caricature of NOW. she's who i put into my head when i'm acting like a brat and feeling sorry for myself. it gives me perspective on how i must seem to god, stamping my feet, throwing things out of the way, demanding my needs be met at my whim and in the way that i want them to be met. NOW!

we all have real live basic human needs. food, water, shelter, sex. i struggle with each level of those needs. being satisfied with god's provision to meet those needs instead of my own concoction of what that should look like is where the rubber hits the road for me. masturbation is me determining how one of my basic human needs is going to be met. i can satisfy myself. i don't need you. never have, never will. yuck. but that's really what i am saying, both to god and to liam. your timing isn't good enough for me. i don't want to have to work for intimacy, i'll take a short-cut.

because really, if we're all honest we don't like the long way when it comes to having to truly connect with god or our spouse (or wait until we have one to connect with if we are single). but when we truly look at it from the point of intimacy we begin to understand why god created sex at all.

i mean really, the procreation thing, god could have done it in another way. he could have made it so much easier to make babies. but his goal really wasn't babies, it was bigger than that. it was families, it was community. god knew that we would never experience intimacy if it were left up to us. that bond that comes from sex when it isn't abused is the most beautiful picture of god, communion, and his love for us. but we miss it. we don't get it. it's about intimacy. not stimulation. not babies. not even marriage building. it's a BIG picture for us to get a tiny glimpse into the eternal. into the trinity. into the nature of god. but it's been so distorted and so polluted that we can't even imagine it could be used for anything but making us feel better.

that 'one flesh' concept, if kept as god intended it, is meant to form a bond between a man and woman that is unachievable in any other form. that is why the devil works so hard to twist it, deform it and make it about me. just me. NOW!

liam and i will be married for 17 years in september. for the longest time i thought that god played a pretty sick joke on us. this will take some explaining, but i think we're not the only couple with these kind of extremes, so let me try to hash it out here.

we each have a love language that fills us. (book by gary chapman) liam's is physical touch. mine is quality time. here's the broken part. liam married a sexual abuse survivor who struggles with sexual addiction. bobbie married a workaholic who could work 80 hours a week if allowed. problems?? you bet. this is definitely 'not as i would have it'.

how did this happen? seems like a sick joke doesn't it? it did to me for a very long time. liam and i have been working through a 12 step book with another couple, and what did we find... the SAME thing is true in their marriage. i've spoken to a couple friends and have seen that their love languages have been at extreme opposites from their spouses too. why? sick joke of god? i don't think so any more. i honestly believe that we are drawn to that opposite so that we can truly find balance. that when we work at it we are both brought to the healthy center - where we long to be. it's all about intimacy.

when our marriage is working liam is not spending 80 hours at the church. i am not meeting my own needs or avoiding sex and physical touch. we are both drawn out of our dysfunction into 'function' for lack of a better word, and intimacy is achieved. not such a sick joke any more.

this isn't only about sex either. when i seek to meet my own needs for food i get into trouble. when i am satisfied with my 3 meals a day i am able to live in serenity. it's only when i allow god to meet those needs for me that my life functions as it should. when i seek to meet my needs on my own i will always land back in the place of struggle, difficulty and usually shame.

so god, i don't' want to be violet any more. just for today, help me find intimacy with both you, and liam. help me to be satisfied with you meeting my needs and not strive to meet them on my own. just for today.

if you would like to find out what your love language is you can take this online quiz (make sure your pop-up blocker is ON).

love language quiz

enjoying one moment at a time

this is the most difficult line in the prayer (yet) for me. i rarely live 'in the moment', let alone enjoy it. engaging is hard for me. i shield myself from others by not fully engaging. even my husband and children. intimacy is a gift i long to give, to myself and others, but i'm struggling with trusting someone enough to be able to give them 'this' when they could turn it back around on me as a weapon. i'm not ready to take that chance, yet. it's about trust.

a couple of years ago i heard tony campolo speak on martin buber and the 'i thou' experience. it blew my mind. i am not going to try to explain it here because i will do it a grave injustice, but if you are interested i recommend his book "i and thou". he talked about how this isn't a problem just for me, but that most people don't live in the now because it is so dangerous. that when we live in the 'moment' we could truly be experienced by someone else living in the 'moment' when we have an 'i thou' connection.

the 'moment' terrifies me. i think it's because one of us is going to be disappointed. if someone was to see into my deepest soul and experience me for what i truly am, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams - i would be found out. the myriads of masks i wear would fall away and what would be exposed would be shame. or you, you might not have my best interests at heart, you might see into my soul and laugh, or mock. i can't take that chance. my potential disappointment terrifies me too.

liam is the most loyal person i know. he isn't mean spirited and wouldn't use what he knows about me (and he knows everything i know) to hurt me, but to still offer myself to him in the moment, the now, the present isn't something i'm yet willing to do. the crazy thing is is that i want that 'i thou' moment more than i want anything, both with liam and with god. i still long for that 'i thou' experience.

but even in my longing, most of the time i even keep him at arms length too. right now i'm avoiding silence and solitude.

what if god doesn't show up? what if he's not all i hope him to be? what if he does show up and he's like they told me he would be my whole young life. misogynist silencer? what if? i can barely take that chance.

now don't get me wrong. i've done silence before. that 'moment' i talk about happening didn't happen. but that's the thing about fear, it's not based in reality. it looms dark and spectral, free floating and undefined.

fear is crippling, disabling and so powerful that it truly makes us forget the past sometimes. all the wonderful ways someone or god was trustworthy and loving. how they proved themselves over and over.

fear also recalls the past, those times when we were hurt or injured, our shame and our failures. and the failures of those who were given to us as caretakers. fear is diabolical. it's selective and cunning. it kills hope if we let it.

that's why that merton quote i added last night was so important to me - 'solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers (and sisters) for what they are, not for what they say.' in their 'moment' i am to love them in mine. but that only comes from constant contact with god. if it's left up to me i am a snarling, impatient miserable wretch. loving someone for who they are, not what they can do for me, or say to me. but their core and my core becoming friends. i like that.

especially for my children. i've been trying pseudonyms out for them and i think i will use their nick names - pink and buck. pink (i called her that WAY before the musician ever existed) is 8 and she is like a willow tree. long, wispy and free - i adore her, she is so completely different than i, and she adores me. it is one of the great mysteries of my life. i know it won't last, but for now she thinks i'm beautiful and smart and lovely and wants to be like me. she is fragile and sensitive. things that have been lost to me. i want to engage in life for her.

i want to step away from the computer and say - you are important enough to engage with, i'll prove it to you. one moment at at time. it's rare that i do. my goal is to do that at least once a day. to engage, really engage. most of the time they don't know they difference (yet), but i know there are times when i can wound pink by being distracted with writing and reading. when it's easier to escape my real world for something virtual or made up.

buck is 6, he's so like me that it almost scares me. heck, when i let it, it terrifies me. he has my compulsive nature, that love of sweets and that focus that quickly can turn to obsession. it's inate. and i want to save him from it. i want to keep him from the mistakes i've made, allow him to have that chance that i wasn't given. to turn those areas to strengths instead of weaknesses. so i need to engage in today to model something to him that i can't do when i myself am obsessed.

enjoying one moment at a time. it's so different than living for enjoyment. that's the twist - that's what makes things either healthy or unhealthy. what is at the core - is it the moment? or is it the enjoyment? if we can choose to enjoy the moment, instead of sacrificing the moment for enjoyment - that's where health and healing lives. that is serenity.

i've thought a lot about 'the perfect present' - present both meaning gift, and the here and now - and how being able to give that to the ones i adore. to engage, truly engage, love and care for them in the way i know i should, and long to do.

enjoying one moment at a time.

the perfect present. being so in tune with everything that is going on within me that i can set that aside to experience what is going on within you. what a grand gift that would be.