milestone

to the best of my ability i have truly and honestly finished step 9 today. i am a puddle.

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

i have been praying for the past couple of weeks that god would bring to mind any other amends i might have missed - but today i finally received a response for the amend i had been putting off for years.

and it was the most gracious, loving response - from someone i love dearly - and i have grieved the loss of this relationship for over a decade. today i feel like i might have it back. it means the world to me.

this man was my boss during my 10 years in hamilton. he was the most engaging, passionate, intelligent, fun person i have ever had the honor of working with. he was also the first man who really truly listened (minus my husband, who still to this day struggles with this, but his heart is there) to me, sought my input and honored my skills. i loved him dearly, and he loved us back.

he was also incredibly generous. we owed him money. money we just could never seem to find to repay him. so it just got easier and easier to avoid that contact, sometimes it even dropped totally off of our radar screen like it never happened. but then cracks would appear in the denial and i would grieve again the loss of the relationship and the shame of the debt would drive me back into my addictions.

we even at one point sent a letter that went unanswered - and so i assumed that my effort was enough. it was not. i knew in my heart that i was not done with this. i have googled his name 100's of times, hoping to find an email address that could find it's way to him. i finally found one a couple of weeks ago and sent it. it was a email address where applicants could send their resumes to the company he owns. it was a shot in the dark hoping it would get to him - and today, about 10 minutes ago i received a response.

i called liam in from the other room as i just couldn't read it alone. my stomach was flipping and my hands were shaking. the subject line said "great to hear from you" - so that was encouraging, but still it was scary to see if the friendship once shared was strong enough to endure the silence of this past decade. he was so excited to hear from us and updated me on all of his kids and how much his business has grown and then he wrote this:

As for the money you owe us I would forget about it-it's long gone and it
appears for a while there you really needed that relief from financial burdens so forget it happened and so will we.

Please keep in touch and hopefully if and when you're in the area we'll be able to spend some time together and catch up.

grace received is such a beautiful thing.

questions & answers - part three

curious servant (who is the most amazing artist) asks:

Question for you:

You write in your sidebar that you felt trapped as an opinionated woman.

It may be more true for women, perhaps particularly opinionated church going women, but all of us avoid speaking our minds.

For example... I have a number of readers who I call pharisees in my heart. Folks who feel that they are always right, that they represent Christian truth. They seem to think that their beliefs are unquestionable and are the next best thing as the voice of God.

But, I say nothing. I tell myself it doesn't matter. That I needn't stir things up. That if they want to believe that God votes Republican and believes in the death penalty, fine. Who am I?

So... to the question...

What do you really want to say to the pharisees in your own church?

answer: HA! you give me far more credit than i deserve CS! i am the one blogging anonymously and avoiding nearly every hot-button topic on my blog (except my own story that really no one can argue with now...) i have found that i am drained by argument and bickering. i have come, in my 41 years, to realize that if my relationship with a person isn't deep enough to withstand disagreement i am not going to waste my time and energy trying to convince them that they are wrong and i am right (and i am finding also in my 41 years that i have been wrong about so very much in my life, especially my theology, that i will not die for anything except that all things can be made new and redemption is real - simplistic i know, but the rest is smoke and vapours to me).

pharisees don't go to the church i go to now - where we used to be they filled the pews, but their rocks were too hard and their aim too good, so we hightailed it out of there and found a safe place where real people love jesus and each other. pharisees hate that and if they happen to stop by here they hightail it out of there as soon as they realize there is no power to be had.

i know that sounds so cynical and hopeless - but i truly believe that living my life pharisee-free is a good thing. the only time they really touch my life now is when i am reminded that god's grace extends to them too, and that they truly are my neighbor. they are the hardest for me to love. i actually have to pray that recovery prayer "god, help me to be willing to be willing" to love them, it is such hard work.

i wish i had a better answer for you, other than i put down my rocks and walked away. it's how i saw jesus disarm them in john 8, the same way he disarmed me. i long to knock each and every one of them off their pedestals and show them up for the hypocrites they are - but i realize that the energy that steals from me can be better spent building something instead of tearing something down. so i let them have their kingdoms, and i walk away.

i guess if i didn't have this nurturing community of broken people i have here it might be worth the energy to try to change something, but the times i have tried i realized that the relationships i was earnestly trying to restore were not equally invested in on the other end of the equation. and to me that is truly the measuring stick i use now. is this a 'drive by troll' slinging ick on my blog, who will never hear my story no matter how hard i try, or are they really a friend that i have offended or need to challenge to allow us both to grow in grace?

curious servant - you are such a conscientious soul, so kind and wonderful at creating community on your blog. i can imagine that trolls and pharisees would invade your thoughts and heart far longer than your face was turned to your computer screen, and linger in your memory well past any interaction at church lasts. you are the heart of the church, and far too often that heart breaks or is broken wide open by the casual, or sometimes even intentionally hurtful comments of others. i cringe to think of how many times i have wounded those merciful souls like you with my judgmental comments or cocksure remarks.

you see, deep in my heart lives a pharisee that i must kill every day. every single day.

the only thing that changed this heart, this pharisee heart of mine was falling flat on my face and being picked up by those with hearts like yours. love, not arguments softened my heart. peace, not war changed my theology. silence, not words gave me time to think. to those with love, peace and silence i owe my eternal gratitude. because my name is bobbie, and i am a recovery pharisee.

the haters have found me!

the haters have found me! somehow i've gotten a link from lighthouse trails (i won't do them the favor of linking back - you'll have to do the search yourself) on their rob bell page. they've used my blog as a link for one of their quotes - which i have no idea how i got chosen for it. i have posted about rob, but i don't know where that quote was from???

so, if you've gotten to me from lighthouse trails - hi, welcome - you'll find grace here. i know it pains you that the kingdom is far bigger than you can control or imagine - but we're all gonna be in heaven so you might as well welcome us now! peace on your journey!

the second journey

my mind is exploding with this new thought, i have to blog it here:

"Of course we must be careful to make the distinction," said Claire briskly, "between the mid-life crisis and the Second Journey. The Second Journey usually beings in mid-life and is a time of profound spiritual growth; it's characterized by the desire to let go of youth and move on to explore the rewards and challenges of middle age. The mid-life crisis, on the other hand, is characterized by the desire to cling to a lost youth, the refusal to move on to the next stage of life, and an arrested spiritual development. The symptoms include not just the well-known tendency to have a love affair with someone much younger, but the clinging to a symbol of youth - a sports car, perhaps or some other much-loved significant object which should have been set aside long ago..."

Susan Howatch, The Wonder Worker, 1997, pg. 331

i have NEVER heard of 'the second journey' before - i LOVE this concept, it's so much more life giving and honoring to this "new" stage liam and i find ourselves in. i kept waiting for the 'crisis' (my mother died at 43, so i wasn't able to watch her life in this stage as she was very sick by the age i am now) to happen. holding my breath as it were. to know that it's not inevitable, that we can choose profound spiritual growth and the 'rewards and challenges of middle age' with grace and dignity - i LOVE this!

okay, i know i've gone on and on - but you really need to read this book series - it's like years of therapy wrapped into the most compelling story line (start at the first glittering images - all of the stories are interconnected, and you'll grow to love each character - if you start in the middle it won't build like it should) i'll stop now...

when two fall down

i hardly know where to start? these past couple of weeks have been full of emotion and depth. such extreme highs and devastating lows. sometimes it's difficult to remember the other extreme when you're caught up in the swing of the pendulum.

one of the truths of our relationship is in the past 20 years it seems that when one of us is down in the depths the other is stronger. could be an element of the co-dependent dance we do, or just the grace given that gets us through, i'm not sure, but i have been grateful it has been this way.

last week that truth came to a halt and we both hit the carpet full force, face down. it seemed like there was no hope, no help and no light. the lowest low was a terrifying place to be, and looking back very little had really changed. we're all healthy, have our needs met and we are far more blessed than we realized at the time. i don't want to diminish the reality of our emotional state, but we weren't faced with the death of a loved one or the sickness of a family member. we were both just at the end of our resources and ended up in a very dark place.

light has broken through. loved ones have rallied around us and we are facing and dealing with some realities that we might not have wanted to face before. liam's resources are very thin right now. this past year has taken it's toll. the fear of watching my husband endure emotional pain and be helpless to relieve it brought me to a place of terror. he's always been the strong one. i'm the addict, i'm the unstable one, i'm the only one who's allowed to break. not him. not now. i'm not strong enough to do this.

i have since realized that that is a lie. we are in a safe place where he can get and receive the support he needs. he can be the wounded one, i am strong enough. he doesn't need me to fix him or shore him up any longer. it's okay to need. it's okay to break. it's okay to heal. but it's a very scary place to be. and i forget. my emotional tank struggles from short term memory loss. how quickly i forget that i am strong enough. how immediately i assume it is my responsibility to fix things. how desperately i long to cover things up, to hide and to isolate and protect.

i was speaking with hope today and i told her i really need to find some recovery in our area. i have been avoiding it and i really need to commit to seeking some support and get my head back in the game. i've been running on fumes and when people speak 'recover-ese' around me, or write about it i'm like a moth to a flame - so maybe it will motivate me to seek it beyond my telephone and computer screen.

she told me of something that rick at 'new life emerging' wrote that impacted her and about put me on the floor.

what other people think of me is none of my business

wow. i needed that. i am so intent on 'making a good first impression' around here that i forget that it's important to decompress and heal and be needy here for awhile. not to come in like the great white hope and be all strong and together. recovery will help me remember that.

the orchard of grace

What happens when we live God's way?

He brings gifts into our lives,
much the same way that fruit
appears in an orchard;

things like affection for others,
exuberance about life,
serenity.

We develop a willingness to stick with things,
a sense of compassion in the heart,
and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates
things and people.

We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments,
not needing to force our way in life,
able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way.

Galatians 5:22-23
The Message

a mother's wait

pink drew this last year and i found it so moving i've kept it at my computer for the past year. i loved it's simplicity - mary, alone, worshiping at her altar. it's sacred to me. it makes me think that there was that time when the animals were put out to feed, the shepherds had stumbled home to share their good tidings of great joy and joseph ran out for diapers. and she was left with the sleeping jesus.

there is nothing like that first quiet nap - everyone else is gone and you finally are allowed to study the face of your baby. what must mary be thinking?

"such tiny fingers, and oh, those fingernails, could anything be more beautiful? well, maybe his lips, those lips. the face of god. this beauty incarnate came from my body, i carried this child deep within my innermost parts and now i must share him with the world. but just for this one moment, in this quiet time he's still mine. mine alone."

scott mcknight is blogging advent this year. it's helping me a lot. i feel so disconnected, so cut off, especially from ritual or anything communal. celebrating advent is helping. if liam and i could afford to both go to north park, and survive the cost of living in chicago we'd be studying with scott.

scott writes:

Zechariah and Elizabeth were both “upright in the sight of God” or “righteous before God.” That is, they were tsadiqim – those whose lives were conformed to the Torah. I sketch some of this in Jesus Creed (chp on Joseph), but there is force in the Jewish world in being described as “righteous” or a tsadiq. Profoundly pious, rigorously committed to the Torah, and enthusiastically obedient are the sorts of ideas connected to Z and E’s reputation.

In spite of their obedience, they are barren. This description in Luke 1:7 immediately throws us into the world of Abraham and Sarah (Gen 18:11), Elkanah and Hanna (1 Sam 1), and Manoah and his wife (Judg 13:2). Barrenness is a sign of God not blessing, and they were humbled by their condition. That they were aged complicated their condition.

Zechariah, in his bi-annual opportunity to perform the priestly function in the Temple and in his perhaps only time ever to get to do the incense offering, is met by Gabriel. Gabriel is famous for letting Israel in on the future plans of God (Dan 8:17; 9:20-21; 10:15). That future now includes two things that must thrill the hearts of Z and E: first, they will have a baby boy and this boy, to be named John, will be the instrument of God for a revival in Israel (Luke 1:11-17). In fact, he will be the Elijah figure promised in Malachi 3—4.

Zechariah’s experience occurs when all Israel is praying – this would be about 3pm at the time of the evening sacrifice. It is also the time when Israel gathered at the Temple to say its prayers (perhaps the ha-Tepillah, today called the Amidah, or something like it, perhaps also the Shema).While the people prays for God to come for redemption, which is inherent to these prayers, God is actually doing something about it – in a surprising way by bringing into the world a prophet destined for revival.

The boy’s name is to be Yohanan – “Yahweh has given grace.” But this boy will also be one connected with joy and delight and rejoicing and greatness and the Spirit of God (1:13-17).

Yearning is a theme of the first Christmas characters – they are all longing for the day when God would enter history and reverse the tides of injustice, violence, impiety, disobedience, and poverty. In the hearts of Z and E is a yearning for God’s promised redemption.

i've always felt more kindred with elizabeth than i did with mary. mary never really had to wait. she was the young virgin - didn't have to wait for a husband, didn't have to wait for a child. but elizabeth - oh, she is a sister to my story. elizabeth knows what it is to yearn.

i know what it is to yearn for a child.

we struggled with nine years of infertility before pink was born. every month i became a failure. my body rebelled against me. reminded me i was unfit to parent. unfit to be a mother. i can't imagine the yearning that comes both from longing for a child, and yearning for a messiah. to have both of these satisfied in john and jesus brings me to my knees. two women, related, but so very different - both become social outcasts because of their pregnancies - one bearing a child in her old age and one under mysterious circumstances that cause all to whisper her shame. connected by the fulfillment of the promise, tied together in a way that only god could orchestrate. the waiting of the world satisfied in the wombs of these two mothers who must share their sons in such extraordinary ways.

as we celebrate the waiting this season i will remember these mothers, i will remember their wait.

technorati tags: waiting, infertility, advent

spiritual terrorism

most of you have already read this. i couldn't make it through the first paragraph. it felt like poison seeping into my brain and traveling throughout my body. how could anyone be so ugly? how could anyone make such claims?

all i could think about was kyle's wife, his children, stumbling across this cruelty and having to not only deal with the loss, pain and grief that comes from loosing your soul mate and father, but to have it made into such a public spectacle, milked for notoriety and any internet fame it might bring. it is phariseeism at it's worst. even the slimiest of ambulance chasers wouldn't stoop this low.

i kept thinking, 'that could be us'. anyone could have made the mistake, reaching out, adjusting the mike - how very sad someone is using this tragedy to catapult himself into the public eye by making such horrid claims. it is spiritual terrorism at it's ugliest.

people who need fear and power to promote their cause are the weakest of minds and the most to be pitied. the problem with terrorism is that it never gives those using it's methods what they desire. it only strengthens the opposition.

mr. proctor, the only consolation that can be had is that you have to live your sad, miserable life. you must serve and worship your horrible, angry god, and you must look at yourself every day as you shave and prepare to live out your small, pathetic existence while the rest of us enjoy grace, life and a god of abundance and love. i only pity your family, your children raised in a home where god is such a bastard and life is so demoralizing that you need to inflict the pain that you carry on others in this deplorable way.

rhythms pace

there is more to life than increasing its speed

ghandi

i love this quote.

we're finding a lot of urgency in people's questions lately, especially now that we've chosen to slow down and breathe and not rush these huge choices.

i find men especially can't understand liam needing/wanting to take a sabbath break. our world has become so urgent and panicked and i'm realizing it's more to do with the fact that people can't handle stillness and silence, than it has to do with really being important and things being urgent. it's so counter-culture to choose simple and slow. it's almost like they are afraid they will be forgotten if they don't press their way into the frantic culture stream around us.

the art paper and pastels have found their way onto our dining room table, charcoal pencils and sketches are appearing around every corner. life is finding a soulful rhythm and pace that is far more fulfilling and life affirming. giving room and holding space for the inner teacher to bubble up those things that are needed and necessary.

it makes for a much more purposeful way of life. are we naive? probably. are we foolish? possibly. are we going back? not if i can do anything about it. we are truly finding the 'unforced rhythms of grace' and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

update: i was catching up on my 'daily digs' and found this:

Unfortunately, in seeing ourselves as we truly are, not all that we see is beautiful and attractive. This is undoubtedly part of the reason we flee silence. We do not want to be confronted with our hypocrisy, our phoniness. We see how false and fragile is the false self we project. We have to go through this painful experience to come to our true self.

It is a harrowing journey, a death to self—the false self—and no one wants to die. But it is the only path to life, to freedom, to peace, to true love. And it begins with silence. We cannot give ourselves in love if we do not know and possess ourselves. This is the great value of silence. It is the pathway to all we truly want.

M. Basil Pennington

magic words

i have been going back to this so many times, letting it pour over me like oil, softening the hard places, rubbing it into my wounds and trying to excise the poison so that healing can come more quickly. i know it is a process, and it takes time, natural time. it will run it's course, but i can so easily slip into the martyr role and that is a slippery slope for me.

i like to pretend sometimes that blue writes just for me. i know it's silly, it's a whole huge blogosphere, but the anonymity of the words are always so timely it's as if he/she is reading my thoughts like an angel and taking me to where i need to go next. reminding me that all is not lost and that new thoughts like rain will fall from the sky if i only bother to notice.

these words are especially timely for me:

For everything that is lost, there are a hundred--a thousand--or more new things sprouting and shining with possibility. Don't grieve so long you miss them. Grieve deeply and well and then notice the freedom that loss affords. Your dreams are not gone, they have only shifted and you can shift with them.

in the stupor i seem to be in i have been missing those sprouts, those new things growing at my feet. i feel like i'm stumbling, walking through a mist with my arms outstretched missing all that my feet walk over, trampling the beauty that is the path i am on.

shifting - it sounds so graceful. it is not a term i associate with myself. years ago liam and i brought a dance instructor to a teen camp we we programmed to call a square dance (cutting edge back then - dancing at a christian camp! gasp) and near the end he taught us all to waltz. i felt so graceful in liam's arms as we all swirled in that large oval around and around. that is until i saw the video - we all (not just me) looked like hippos stumbling and bumbling around. not shifting smoothly and gracefully like i imagined.

i have longed to carry myself with that feminine grace i see so often in other women. i know it comes from an inner strength and confidence within their own skin. i may be able to find it one day on the outside for others to see. but for today, i want to shift gracefully into gratitude, into noticing the shining gifts that surround me. seeing those things that are sprouting at my feet.

growing up our property backed onto a large woods, it was my private play ground. land locked by property owned by friends and neighbors it was my place of solitude and i would spend hours alone, all summer, wandering through the woods, picking at toadstools and sitting in the dead leaves, pulling them back to explore the almost white new growth that begins in the humus of the forest floor. wild violets and jack-in-the pulpits were my favorite finds, may apples and climbing vines surrounded me.

i think in the mist of all of this i have forgotten that my path is through this kind of forest, friendly and familiar, not nearly so terrifying and threatening. nothing has changed, but everything has changed. all is still familiar, i just need to sit for a spell in the humus and find my bearings. take time for the mist to clear a bit and remember to notice all of those wonderful, beautiful things that are growing right at my feet.

blue writes on:

Look around you and find one of the many gifts of Life. They are rarely hidden well. There is always a corner peeking out to draw your eye. I want you to find them, and I want to watch you search with faith's anticipation on your face.

There are magic words that will help you find them when you cannot seem to see them on your own. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and repeat after me...

"Thank you."

thank you. thank you. thank you.

in the middle of pain it is difficult to be grateful, but remembering all that we have at times like these can make all of the difference. so today as i journal my three pages (the artists way at work) i am going to focus on all of those things and 'search with faith's anticipation on your (my) face'.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

when words fail

where to start? last night was incredible, absolutely incredible. the fact that the planning was done by those who 'get it' instead of those who play fake made the night rich with emotion and full of meaning.

when my friend asked to hold the party my first words were "NO" - i knew the the church's penchant for pretend - and i couldn't stomach that. she assured me i was allowed to set the 'rules' and she would make sure they were followed. my rule was 'no fake' - the only people who could talk were people who truly meant their words. and instead of the fancy, schmancy catered meals they do i wanted a real live church pot luck - sadly missing in our church.

it was all that and more. we arrived to a room filled with bright yellows, lime green, orange and bright blue - a celebration. at each place there were small little wooden hearts with words burned into them - simple, unfinished and rough. my girlfriend got up to explain the night and then proceeded to talk about why the hearts - how we are all rough and unfinished and how god is writing these words on our hearts. we sat down - at unspecified seats - both liam's and mine were 'wise' and pink's was 'noble' (the meaning of her name) and buck got 'tender'. my other friend had saved us a seat, but she had no idea about them. it wasn't 5 minutes into the night and i was tearing up.

then i looked down to the card at each setting - it read (our names):

You exemplify
tender, rich and
humble hearts
for God,
for youth,
for men,
and
for women,
for those who seek,
for those who have found,
and for those who struggle
in the process.

"Obeserve how Christ loved us,
His love was not cautious
but extravagant.
He didn't love in order to get
something from us but to give
everything of himself to us.
Love like that."
Eph. 5:2

Thanks for the example
of Christ's love
you are to us.

okay, now i'm really crying. then my girlfriend at the table sees me and starts to cry - how will i get through this evening? we pray and get in line for food, things become much more light hearted.

the room is filled to the brim, and so many told us they were unable to make it because they were out of town. it is a very moving display of affection. and best of all those who maneuvered to remove us are absent - no fakery allowed. the SP and his family are there, but we knew that and were actually glad he'd have to hear/watch/see/experience it all, knowing the whole time he and his cohorts caused all of this. he tried many times to maneuver his way into control of this event. he wanted to tag it on to the mission dessert and my friend protected me (well her husband is head elder now, so that helps...)

we get through dinner and it's announced that there is a program in the worship center (not the little old one - but the big stage) - i have never touched the big stage in all of my time here - i know that in and of itself is going to overwhelm me.

we have saved seats down front center and the youth band (which has been my husband's passion to teach these kids how to truly worship) just rocks - then the power point tribute starts, and they honored me, and then my children - pink sees the pictures of her with her friends and starts to wail. this i am not prepared for at all - i thought of liam and i crying, but never imagined that they would be so moved. now i'm a complete wreck - when we talk after liam and i both had the same impulse to jump up - point at the SP and say 'you did this, we are a family and you did this!' needless to say we kept ourselves at bay and consoled our daughter. then came the tribute to liam - and it was fun and touching.

then one of the elders who had stuck by us got up to pray for the youth and what is next for them. and then came the part i was totally unprepared for.

my bible study got up and gave a tribute to me - i have erased and re-typed, sat in tears for minutes on end - trying to put into words what was said, how it touched me and the redemption that happened as those words were spoken to me and about me from that stage - i was totally unprepared, i never thought that anyone noticed, it was truly beautiful. and then they sang this song:

This is Your Land

Didn't anyone ever tell you
Didn't anyone ever say
Did you capture a vision of glory
As she held out her hand today
It's reaching to the broken heart
Right down to where you stand

Didn't anyone ever tell you
This is your land
Didn't anyone ever tell you
It doesn't matter the last will be first
For the sad and the meek and the righteous
And all those who will hunger and thirst
So let the poor in spirit know
These dreams are not of sand
Didn't anyone ever tell you
This is your land

You'll be given the robes of princes
You'll be flying on golden wings
You will live in pavilions of splendor
Be surrounded by beautiful things
So hold on to these promises
And keep them in your hand

Didn't anyone ever tell you
This is your land

Point of Grace

i had never before heard the song - and as each one sang a verse they looked deep into my eyes and we both cried and they gifted me with such beauty and power. i have never felt more honored and cherished.

then they opened the mikes and let people share memories - laughter, tears, deep emotion. when my friend's son got up - he's going into 5th grade - and told my kids what wonderful friends they were, and he begins to weep, loud, groaning crying - saying 'oh i wish you didn't have to move, i don't want you to move, i'm going to miss you' the room was finished. we were all bawling. especially buck, who takes this time to melt down. 'i don't want to move, weep, weep, mommy, why do we have to move... weep, weep...' i calm and soothe him and we listen to many more share deep words of affection and lives touched. the constant theme of 'you were there when i needed someone, my faith is now my own, you taught me how to serve god, you made it so much fun, you taught me how to have fun..."

then they called us up front, prayed for us, gave us gifts and an envelope and allowed us to have a few words. looking out at that group (from that stage) i was given hope for our future. no matter how very much this process has wounded us, it has released us to next. whatever next may be.

afterward in the lobby one of the mother's said it best 'this is a cross between a reception line and a funeral'... hugs and tears were shared and we were able to put some closure on five really good, really hard years of ministry. so, while i've been able to type out some things that happened, i am unable to put into words the real, intangible things that happened last night, but those things were the most real of all.

superchic[k] - beauty from pain

yee haw! i've got it in my hot little hands!!! it doesn't release until the 29th, but they gave it early to interlinc subscribers.

this cd was supposed to be released last november, and i promised it to pink for christmas, and it's finally here! i know i rant and rave about how much i LOVE this band, and if you don't get it i'm sorry, but i'm going to keep ranting - i wanted a soundtrack for my life that validated me without it all being about relationships, boys and 'luv' - and i want to give this to pink.

the cover of this has tricia's megaphone, it's cracked and bruised, duct taped and covered in stickers - to me that megaphone is a metaphor of this woman's voice - and she's been using it - empowering a generation of young women in a way that was never available to me.

you'll be so sick of all of the lyrics i forsee myself posting about, but i'm starting with the lead song 'anthem' - read all the way to the end - the last lines are the best!

for pink:

here's to the one's who don't give up
here's to the one's who don't give up
here's to the one's who don't give up
this is your anthem
get your hands up

we are fire inside
we are lipstick and cleats
we are not going home and we're playing for keeps

we are girls with skinned knees
we are concrete and grace
we are not what you think
can't keep us in our place

here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars
here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playing guitar
here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard

you'll never let them say you'll never get that far
never get that far
never get that

we are fire inside
we are an army asleep
we are a people awakening to follow their dreams

we don't have time for your games
we have our own goals to score
we have trophies to win
instead of being one of yours

confusing grace

liam said something last night at our small group that made me groan inwardly. we were all processing our family thanksgivings and he was talking about having my brother-in-law here, who is quite legalistic and judgemental. quite a reminder of how we used to be. (back in egypt) liam said, 'well i guess grace is about allowing other's to live in their legalism without judging them.'

crap.

i want to judge them. i hate the pharisee. i burns me up like nothing else. grace means i have to let the pharisee be a pharisee?? crap. he's right. their path and journey is different from mine. i need to live here in the light and freedom, stand fast in the liberty, and breathe. hopefully that looks attractive enough for them to break free from the slavery they have chosen someday.

father, forgive me for judging them, and all the pharisees in my life so harshly. please allow me to extend grace to them where they are instead of requiring them to be where i am before i will show them the grace that you have shown me. amen.

the kingdom of god is on abc

okay, i'm a fan. i'll admit it. liam always works sunday nights, so i'm home alone and i am hooked on extreme home makeover.

they step into these stranger's lives and bless them in ways they could never imagine possible. to hear their stories, to see their lives. to watch the renovation. i just can't imagine why the church isn't doing this.

each time i watch i see people who make no claim to faith acting out the kingdom of god in ways the church can't even touch. most of the people they help are actually people of faith. you hear their testimonies throughout the show. how they sacrificially give and serve and make a difference in their communities. i just can't get enough of it.

i know it's just a show, but each time i am moved to tears. such grace, such unadulterated grace. embarrassing grace. i'm hooked.

got grace? part one

tim's question drove me from my bed this morning at a very early hour. he asks "I'd love to hear more about what it means to 'get' grace". tim, i really honestly appreciate your questions, they spur me on, challenge me and inspire me, really. thank you! this is going to take some background to answer, so please bear with me.

my journey to get 'grace began' because after 12 years of begging god to answer the call in our lives he finally opened the door to this tiny little church in the middle of absolute nowhere. it had the word 'grace' in it's name.

we thought we had died and gone to heaven already to be finally allowed to serve god vocationally. honest, liam quit his very well paying job and we sold our first home that we only had been at for 2 years (oh yeah, i was 8 months pregnant with our second child) and we moved to a broken down farm rental on a dirt road in a place even farther from nowhere than that little church. and done with a song in our heart.

we were so naive, so green and so misled. this church was anything but grace. have you ever met a girl named joy who was anything but? that's what this place was like. not on the outside mind you, they smiled and patted us on the head for almost two years while we fell madly in love with their teenagers, and their teenagers fell madly in love with us.

what we didn't know is that they were crumbling spiritually, and they didn't know that we were crumbling emotionally. i was literally living on a dirt road with two small children and a husband who was working himself to death to keep food on our table and this tiny little church happy and none of it was working.

what i didn't realize is that i was postpartum. i could have been that lady who drowned her babies to put them in a 'better place'. god spared all of us, i never laid a hand on them, but i was spinning out of control in my addictions.

my husband would come through the door with a box of little debbie swiss rolls every night, and almost toss them to me like you'd feed a wild animal. i'd devour them and be medicated enough to be conversant with him until bedtime, but it usually ended up with us fighting or in sleeping in seperate rooms.

then came the day in july when the church decided we needed to have a youth yard sale. the basement of the church was filled with donations, and no one showed up to help. this was the day before our first time off in over a year. i had to 'help' with my two tiny toddlers on main street as the tourist zoomed past. it also happened to be over 100 degrees (in canada) and the most humid day i've ever felt.

i can hardly remember it, i truly could feel myself cracking under the pressure.

i retreated to the air-conditioned basement of the church to grab some more items to sell. my husband came in and saw me sitting down and made some comment to impress on me the fact that he really needed my help. and i lost it. it wasn't loud, but again, no one came to help, so i truly thought we were alone in the church. little did i know that our fight drew a silent witness.

all i can remember was the line 'i hate this f@#!ng church!'

that was all the 'power-player' elder needed.

instead of coming down and confronting me he chose to hire a lawyer. it got ugly. but only on their side.

they started to 'collect' a list against my husband, watching for any mis-steps or mistakes. the whole while we kept ministering, and i entered counselling and finally found a OA (overeaters anonymous). this recovery group was church to me. you see church there was 'oh you're the youth pastor's wife, you can run the nursery'. i would get us all ready and off to church to sit with my children in their cruddy little nursery for 2 1/2 hours, oh yeah, and babysit any of their kids they decided to dump on me too.

so that 1 1/2 hours at OA became my temple, my worship center, a place where i could finally meet 'god as i understood him'.

so many christians get hung up on that line in the AA big book. what they fail to realize is that we all (especially christians) have a version of god that we 'understand' to be true. this was the FIRST time god wasn't a masochist to me.

i remember jim, he was a veteran 12 step group member, with many other 12-step groups under his belt. if you met jim anywhere other than a group you'd have thought he was a tower snyper. he had that scary look in his eyes. except when he was talking about recovery. he became our guru. 6 over weight women and jim. i miss him more than i miss anyone in canada. somehow that unredeemed, ted bundy looking man was jesus to me.

the crazy thing about all of this is that we were getting healthier and happier than we had been in years. and that was when the s&*t hit the fan.

if the church had come to us and said 'man this isn't working out' we HONESTLY would have known god had other places for us. but that didn't happen. they decided it was necessary to crucify my husband. it was horrible, ugly and sinful. they punished him for having a wife that he couldn't control but never once told us it was because i had a nervous breakdown in the basement of the church. never once.

we sat in meetings and begged them to tell us what this was about. the answer we received as that 'if we told you you'd just explain it away'. no, really we'd have a clue, ask for forgiveness and not do it again. just tell us what's wrong. nope.

here's a list of 12 things you need to fix, you're on probation and we're watching you.

we were so programmed that elders spoke for god that it never entered our minds to walk away. we loved their kids, this was the call of god and somehow we had screwed that up.

we went to their counselor (who by the way gave us rave reviews and thought the church was nuts) and liam jumped through every hoop they gave. also we did this silently - no one in the church, other than our two best friends ever knew this was happening. we knew that we needed to do this without sin. after we were well on our way to finishing the list the senior pastor told liam 'if it was me i'd resign'.

resign? what is that going to look like at the high school (where liam had his other job)? people only resigned when there was sin - and we didn't sin here. we talked and talked and talked (it was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage btw, stinking hard, but it drew us closer to each other and god than we had ever been before.)

we decided that the only other route open to us was to split the church, and we knew that wasn't god's will. so we told them we'd resign if they let us tell 'our kids'. we did, and they were shell-shocked. it was horrible (because they wouldn't let us stay to work with them afterward (even for free). it really took it's toll on a lot of those kids (their kids - what were they thinking??). and we left. the senior pastor resigned two days later.

liam still had his position at the school so we took our time to find a good match and we interviewed churches more than they interviewed us. and we decided this was the time in our lives to experiment - to try different churches, and we did.

god began to be real to us again. we worshiped truly for the first times in a church (we had been attending the national youth workers convention for the previous 2 years, so we had begun to understand what real worship was like.) and god started to dismantle the box we kept him in, and the box of what church was supposed to look like for us. it was very freeing. it was the beginning of emerging for us, and we didn't ever realize it.

it was only after we moved that someone had enough courage to tell us about the f-word in the basement. i had totally forgotten about it. god used my conniption fit in the basement of that church to begin to free us from the tyranny of spiritual abuse and a small minded church structure that we would have never left if we hadn't been forced to.

the air out here smells so much better!

that is only part one, there is much more to tell, but it will have to wait as we have church this morning. thank you for reading!