you really want to take an internet break?

oh the stats, they pull me in... since i've stopped blogging so much my stats have plummeted. google must have a "must publish" rule for directing people to your blog. my stats have dropped by 100 - and the "publish or perish" temptation pulls me in. why does it matter to me? why do i care that people i don't know find my blog? why do i care that my "numbers" increase? that they don't decrease? this is revealing something about me that i don't really like to admit.

with a vacation on the horizon i just keep telling myself that will keep me from blogging too - so let it go - but i am so tempted to post links, you tube videos and drivel just to keep my stats up (that's why people do that in case you didn't know)...

sigh. i guess deep down in my heart i want to be noticed. but trading my serenity for strangers reading my blog, even for really good reasons isn't worth it. so i will refrain from the temptation to post drivel and obsess about my blog (just for today!)

lost in space

as i opened my eyes this morning i said a prayer "god somehow i've lost the thread, i don't like it and i don't even know how to find it again. i can't figure out what has happened." i had the answer before i even knew it. internet.

i've known it and been in denial since before lent, but somehow today i was ready for the information. i have become addicted to the internet. this lovely tool that i use so well for so many wonderful things also steals and destroys and robs me of my clarity and sanity, and most precious of all, my serenity.

i know somehow there will be a fast. i fasted this morning so that i could get my proverbial shit together. i actually journaled - in my moleskine - which is saved for only very precious thoughts somehow. i faced aching, cramping hand to fight through for the thoughts that would help me frame this upcoming internet fast. i'm not quitting blogging. as i journaled this morning i realized that the beauty of blogging means that thoughts aren't lost in some random journal post - they are searchable and retrievable, and with this aging mind of mine that is truly important.

but i will be changing the way i am doing things. i think i will be using a word processor for my thoughts and any of them that are blog worthy will be posted here or on my other blog (email me if you don't have it and want it). i also realized that mornings are precious. it's when the real clarity is present and i can face the day organized instead of scattered.

blogging is truly one of the most disciplined things i do online - and i'm not even talking about any sexual addiction on the internet (i have 7 1/2 years of abstinence today!) - just random, time wasting internet. i am like a lamb with my nose in the sweet, sweet grass, grazing and wandering from place to place, never really looking at where i'm going, just following my nose - and shazam, a whole day is lost, i am confused, scattered and so ashamed that i have lost another day.

i am so grateful for the peeling back of the denial today and the serenity and clarity that came with the admission. i am an internet addict. oh they are just like trading cards, set one down, pick up another one... use the internet to avoid eating, use eating to avoid sexual addiction, and so on, and so on, and so on...

i love you all and love blogging here - but i need my life and my serenity back and i know that i need to clean the webs from my wide world to do it. i'm just too tired of being lost in space.