links in a chain

you know it's going to be an intense day when you're plunging a toilet before 6:00 a.m. in the morning, right?

well, yesterday was a doozie.

i posted here about setting some boundaries with friends and beginning to reclaim pieces of myself i had let go of.

that post was soon followed by a phone call with my father to catch up. we're good on the phone, he loves to tell me about his basketball teams and how they're improving their shots and the chances they have for tournaments. he then told me about one of my cousins who has been single for most of his 48-50 years (i'm not sure of his exact age). my dad told me he had a girlfriend he was traveling with out west. he started to tell me about her and said something like "well, she's not fat, she's "big boned", she's a big girl" (she's probably 45, but a girl to my father...) and then he told me she liked it when he gave her fish he caught or venison from his hunting.

my heart fell. i instantly wondered if he described me that way to people "well, my daughter is big boned..." i knew he did, i've heard that all my life - that and SOLID, "you're solid". he meant it as a compliment of sorts, meant that i was good under the net at getting rebounds and holding my own in the lane.

i shut down, listened but didn't really interact with him for a bit. then i set it aside and talked about some other stuff. then from somewhere deep within me i said "hey dad, can i talk to you about something?" i told him that earlier when he described G's girlfriend it wounded me because i felt like he reduced her to her body size and i didn't like to think that people did that to me. i said "dad, every women you've ever loved was a large woman, your mother, your 5 sisters, your wife and your daughters - you know that we are all more than our body size. we have big hearts and care deeply for the people in our lives - i'd really appreciate it if you'd think about that before you use that kind of language to describe women like me."

where did that come from? wow. he heard me, received my words, owned them and apologized for them - and then said "you know i love you, i wish i could give you a hug." it was very special.

from there i went to my short scheduled doctors appointment (at the encouragement of my dear friend hope) to ask the doctor to run a test for me. this was big. i hardly know how to write about how i have shut down part of me - how i have closed the door to my physical body, both out of my food/size/sex issues, but also because every time i have ever talked to a doctor about my body when it's not working properly i have been made to feel crazy or like a hypochondriac. i hate it.

my breathing has been labored. i think i have found out why. i wanted a test to confirm/deny this - and the doctor pulled that "oh you people with the internet" crap on me. i stood up for myself. i didn't allow her to bully me and i said that i was going to push on this because i didn't think she was a very thorough. and i had evidence to back that up.

she sent me for a mammogram, but never once did a breast exam, she did a pap test, but never once did a pelvic exam. i have seen her for over a year now and never once has she physically touched my body. stethoscope to listen to my heart and lungs, the most basic of pap smears - but other than that she has rushed in and out and i felt her standard of care was lacking.

she did not like that one little bit. you see i've lived in about 8-10 different communities and have the best of care in each one. yes, some doctors made me feel like i was making things up at times, but the care i was given was always top of the line. i knew her care was not up to snuff and i told her, respectfully and directly. she didn't know what to do about that.

i really flustered her. she eventually said 'well then you should probably find another family doctor'. i said i had planned on it, her response to this visit was going to determine that for me. unfortunately we live in the most under serviced area of our province. there are no doctors here. i can't blame it on social medicine, the care i had in ontario was the best i've ever had.

it will be a chore to have to talk another doctor who isn't accepting new patients into treating me and my family. i have spent the morning on the phone with the bureaucrats and the watch dogs, they are toothless. i fear for the women in this community who have never had better medical care - i know they would never think of demanding better. i am not called to be an advocate, but i will if needed. it's just exhausting.

so, i guess that the small challenge of calling back my friend allowed me the courage to speak truth to my father, which allowed me to stand up for myself at the doctor's office. all links in a chain - small successes to enable me to not settle, not blame myself, not feel crazy or lost or powerless.

but now the work begins.

oh, by the way, i did get the order for the chest x-ray - i have no idea how i'll get the results, but i got what i wanted. (oh #2 - i also finished my collage - it's beautiful!)

lean on me

i awoke this morning a bit subdued. liam asked what was wrong and i couldn't really put my finger on it. until i was given a picture. it felt like i was surrounded by rake or broom handles, each one leaning against me. i knew it was a great metaphor for what i have allowed to happen in the past month.

small obligations, none requiring much from me, but obligations all the same have been piling up around me. each good and things for which i am skilled, but far too many of them so i am left feeling fenced in and a bit weary from the mental energy that comes from having to hold them all up, manage each small piece and have them all take a bit more than i originally through they would.

having that picture has allowed me to begin to visually identify what they are and begin to tie up loose ends to move me to the place where i am able to give them back to their owners.

it is one of the small trials (and i say this understanding that there is little really required of me in life, and so many have so much more to bear) of not having a job. i am not very self defined at the moment and so being 'helpful' is a way in which i meet the world. it gets me out of the house, outside myself and uses some of the skills and gifts i have. it is very depleting of my energies though and i find i regularly feel like i am not accomplishing much or using my best time and resources to my own benefit.

i end the day depleted and drained and feeling like i've not really done anything all day.

as of yesterday i set a really good boundary. i gave something back that had been weighing on me and for which i was doing a lot of work that the employee was shirking. it felt good. really good. i think i'll do it again. :)

self definition is a big part of this year for me. part of learning to be centered is figuring out where i begin and end. i am more than an assistant. i have lived far too much of my life making other people look better. i need to figure out ways to help myself. putting my own skills to work for my own good. what that looks like i don't really know.

as i was getting ready to blog this i got a phone call from a good friend here. she is the person i most enjoy spending time with. she stopped over for coffee yesterday and helped me with my plans to make cabbage rolls for supper. she showed me how to soften the leaves and remove them so they can be rolled. i knew we'd have lots, so i invited she and her husband for supper. it was a big meal, and a lot of work. i was really proud of myself. i took a recipe i had never made before (actually 3 of them) and made them for company, which i have NEVER done (only tried and true for company, what if it doesn't turn out??)...

back to the real reason, she asked me to come over and help her with a proposal she's writing for her final project. i have other plans. i wanted to finish the collage i started yesterday that was interrupted by her visit and i set aside. i know it's not the most important thing i could ever do, but it is something i was enjoying and something that focussed on being centered...

damn. i need to call her back and tell her i can't come. that what i was in the middle of is important and i need to finish it. set down the rake and sit and be for an hour or two. i'm going to make the call... really.

the higher road

i have found in most of my life that i rarely take the higher road. even when i'm right i burn myself by my emotional reactions to incidents rather than keeping my mouth shut and allowing the other person to look the fool, or to be shown for their bad reactions.

'respond, don't react' is one of my favorite recovery principles. i try to remember it... and when i do i find that i am better for it.

one of the only ways to engage my father in community is to play cards. so we have a family game that i have grown up playing that is quite involved (6 decks) and it's usually a full evenings entertainment playing together. it beats sitting in the living room with the tv blaring to sports night or some other dumb sport show (sorry...)

last night we again started to shuffle the cards and play. it was an amazing weekend. we had a picnic over the river at a friend's home. so much of our community was there and it was a real time of interaction and blessing. yesterday my two kiddos were baptized (i'll blog about this later) and it was one of the most amazing days of a mom's life.

when it was all over i realized how exhausted i really was. it was like someone let the air out of me. i had nothing left to give. buck's little friend was there for dinner and if liam hadn't bbq'd burgers i think we would have starved. i could hardly put thoughts together to think of all that needed to be done.

i shouldn't have agreed to play cards. i really shouldn't have. but i knew that not playing meant everyone else would be left with nothing to do. i had a new good book to read and sleep was calling me - but i figured sleep can come after tuesday.

it's always men vs. women. and we were winning. i had the cards in the second hand to go out and asked my partner if i could - it was a quick hand and i was going to 'set' the guys with negative points. my father is one of the most competitive people i know. i have relinquished everything competitive in my life because i can see the same nature in me and i loathe it. i really wasn't goading him, i just had the cards and really just wanted the game to be over. i didn't realize that we didn't have one of the requirements for going out and he finally caught it and came after me. his reaction was way over the top and i sat there dazed.

he was like a school yard bully. competition brings out the worst of my father. it has my whole life. normally i have the resources to take it. normally i just internalize whatever he says and does and count it as my bad. i had learned in the 5 years we lived together learned to begin to stand up for myself, but what that usually meant was me over-reacting to his reaction and me looking like the over-emotional idiot and hurting my cause. definitely taking the low road.

last night i was just able to see his reaction for what it was, kind of outside my body. say 'whoa, that was a huge over-reaction, if you had just pointed out that i missed this kindly i would have just passed.' but as i sat there i became so sad, so very, very sad. i could feel my lip starting to quiver and my emotions were starting to kick in. for me it's way easier to funnel sad emotions into anger as it's empowering, sadness leaves me feeling out of control. so i sat there fighting between an all-out weep and wanting to tell him off.

i battled myself for a couple of minutes and then realized that neither was a good option for me. so i said 'i'm done. i've got a good book to read and i'm done.' and walked away. they were all stunned and argued with me and i said 'i have worked so hard these past couple of weeks to make things as nice as possible for your vacation. i'm too tired to do this now and i don't want to say things i would regret or that would hurt you.'

he argued with me again and i was so tempted to lay into him. my arm raised, my finger pointed and the words were forming in my mouth. again, i saw 'me' from outside of myself and said outloud 'no, i'm not going to do this, i'm going away so i don't say anything i will regret'. i grabbed 'the princess and the goblin' and went to read to my kids.

it was the right move. i felt so good about setting that boundary and saying 'i will not be treated like this'. i was tempted to get angry and fight back and put him in his place. everything i would have said would have been the truth - but it would not have been spoken in love.

by taking the higher road i was able to leave him there looking like a bully instead of hiding his actions in my over-reactions.

he came into pink's room to apologize, but i said 'not now'. i really wanted it to be more than just a hug - i wanted him to be forced to talk to me and really clear this up. he was really offended, but i knew dealing with this in front of my kids would be unfair to them. after i tucked the kids in i went into the living room and said 'i'm heading to bed, if you'd like to talk about this i'll be in my room'.

he came in and sat at the edge of my bed and i didn't say a word. it forced him to talk. he started to say 'my reaction really wasn't that bad...' i responded at the tone and level of the words he said to me and it made him literally jump. i think he finally understood how intense he is. he finally got it. i have endured his vented, inappropriate anger my whole life and he has excused himself because he never realized how over-the-top he really was. by startling him i think i finally got through.

i wasted five years of standing up for myself instead of using his own actions to teach him how damaging he was to me. i felt so heard by him. something that i don't think has happened over a dozen times in our 40 years together.

it felt so good. i was able to explain how hard i worked this week. how it wasn't a 'vacation' for me. how i wanted it to be nice for him and my aunt, but that i was just plain tired out. that i didn't have the brains to play cards and i really didn't have the resources to argue with him.

he apologized to me and asked if i wanted to have a meal together today. he hugged me a couple of times and told me he loved me. it was nice. he never said the magic 'i'm proud of you' words - but it was more than i could have hoped for. and i know that it helped him too to really have a full-circle interaction with someone. we all screw up and step in it. but by denying it in our shame, pretending it didn't happen or coating it over in future kind gestures to compensate we are never allowed the full-circle of redemption.

owning our junk, apologizing for it and looking that wounded person in the eyes while you do it allows for it to build a bridge between your souls. gaining forgiveness and nurturing the relationship is what we all long for. all of the other options are just shellac and varnish that crust over and harden our hearts and make us in the end farther away from each other and denying what we truly want and desire.

confess your sins one to another, pray for each other and you will be healed.

james 5:16

it really works!