Saturday, April 07, 2012

day 40 - lent....check.

i had hoped to be entering tomorrow in a zen, mystical space, that's not happening.  i am exhausted.  losing monday and friday this week threw my whole week off, but i have finished my work for the week tonight and while i'm not in the zone i was hoping for i am in much better spirits and head space than i was when i started this 40 days ago.

i have done good work here, being open and ready, preparing myself and waiting.  i am quite proud of myself and feel real hope again, not the hopeful, hoping hope that is too scared to hope for real.

i know that i don't have it all figured out, but i have a better grasp on what has brought me to this place and as i sat in the space we created last night and saw both of my pastors on the floor in front of the little cross we put together, one on his butt and one on his knees participating in the exercises my friend and i put together i realized that i do belong here.  there is a space for me too.

i belong and am grateful. looking forward to worship, good food and family together time tomorrow.  it is well with my soul.

Friday, April 06, 2012

day 39 - good friday

put together a contemplative service with a friend tonight.  it went well and was just what i needed.  it was really beautiful and unpadded.  we left a lot of silence and space for god to show up.  it wasn't monumental for me, but i had little expectation as i was concerned about how the details were coming together at times.  but there were times i was able to sit and just be.

there was a station for letting go and as i sat with my thoughts i thought that i was letting THEM go, and in the middle of my thoughts i found i was distracted and when i came back to them i realized that what i really needed to let go of had nothing to do with them, but to do with my need for people like THEM, my constant need for external affirmation and validation.

i know that something shifted in me.

that returned things to their proper perspective.  outside of me i have no control, accept the things that i can change.  was granted wisdom tonight to know the difference and for that i am truly grateful.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

day 38 - moving on

life has gotten really busy this week leading into easter, too busy, busier than it's been in quite some time.

not happy about that, but it's good things.

still feel pressured and rushed and that is unfamiliar for me lately.

had so many expectations on these next four days, the busy has definitely helped me to set them down.

can't believe that i have blogged my way through lent, it hasn't been easy.  blogging is much less rewarding than it used to be.

but i am happy that i have stuck to it and it has been important for me.

those clues might have still revealed themselves to me, but documenting the search was far more satisfying than just allowing it to all happen without taking witness of it.

for it all i am grateful, even the very difficult parts.

i am looking forward to getting to the other side of easter though, feels like i'll be able to exhale and not put so much pressure on everything, myself included.

most of all i am thankful that winter is showing it's backside.  i will not be sad to see it go.

i am moving into spring with a new perspective.  some things have died this winter that i am sure needed to die.  burying them and saying goodbye is important and right.  i have grieved well and hard and know that there might be another season of grief, but this one seems to be easing.

in less than an hour it will be 24 years since my mother died.  i can look back on that grief and know that the pain lessens over time, and even though there are times of sentiment and sorrow that things well grieved can even give us life.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

day 37 - too much

that article i blogged about the other day is doing it's work on me, slowing peeling back layers and showing me places that have long needed attention.

even here i am giving away too much.  i have never known it before, or understood its affect on me, but even here i see how exposed i have made myself - how i strip myself of boundaries and safety and self respect all under the guise that it might help someone if it helped me. 

this thread started to reveal itself at the beginning of lent when i saw my spiritual director after i had walked a labyrinth right before i became so sick.  i wish i had a better memory of what happened, what we talked about, but the gist of my memory is that i realized that far too often i give away what i have received far too quickly that i don't allow myself the ability to own it first.  the metaphor that came up was the idea of harvesting all of my fruit and giving it away without barely getting to enjoy it myself.  she counseled that if i was able to enjoy the fruit i would have seeds to plant for future crops and that would be the time to share.

it was almost like we/i (and i take this into the we or our marriage and our inability to build a financial safety net around ourselves too) was never able to plant the orchard that would continue to feed me and mine, and more because i was being over generous at the wrong time. 

re-reading that thought in a much more explicit manner in the article brought it home as to how it affected those i was giving to - and not just how it affected me.

i am still so overjoyed to have this knowledge revealed to me.  i have prayed for it for years.  i don't know that it has ever been a thought ever introduced into my thinking any time prior to this - it felt like the first time i ever heard the term "compulsive overeater" - the light turned on and i now was able to give a name to my monster.

it was a rumpelstiltskin moment to be sure.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

day 36 - chilling

hard a horrible night last night - chills like i haven't had in months.  there was nothing i could do to get warm.  i knew it was coming, i was prepared to shake it - 3 layers of clothes, heating pad, little heater next to my bed, 2 pr. socks, 1 pair gloves, 4 blankets - nothing worked.  i shook and shivered through most of the night.  i don't know why it happens.  no one does.  it's like a gong goes off in my core and i can feel it radiate out through my body.  it is cold, like ice and it just threads itself out through my innermost being.  the outside of me doesn't matter, it will just keep going until it's done.

when it breaks i am pouring with sweat and exhausted, and then if the first wave isn't over the chill that comes from being soaked from the sweats brings the second wave.  nothing can stop it.

i awaken stiff, exhausted, disoriented and probably dehydrated.

it's really scary and i would love for it to end.  would love to know why it starts.  would love to understand what exactly is happening in my body, it's cause, it's name or it's cure.

doctors don't seem to believe the severity of my struggle, what's a little cold? liam calls them seizures - they are so debilitating - and unfortunately don't only happen in winter.  i don't remember getting a chill yesterday, but it must have happened.  many times i can track it, but last night it came on like a storm.  hopefully it's out of my system and will leave me alone tonight, i could really use a good sleep.

Monday, April 02, 2012

day 35 - over giving

i have found what i think is the biggest piece of the puzzle that i have ever had.  i know that is a big claim, but something clicked, lights turned on, the penny dropped, release the doves, cry the tears, ah-ha's said - everything makes sense.  i have prayed for this clue, this understanding, this awakening for years now.  and i am brought to tears again with the massive realization of how important knowing and understanding this is for me.  so many relationships have tanked and i had NO idea what i had done, where i had gone wrong, what would warrant such ignorant or uncharicteristic behavior - and now i know.  i am an over-giver.  i don't have lots of means like the author here - but it's not about money - it just because extremely obvious to her when she finally did - go read it, i'll wait here.  it's just about 6 paragraphs...

Confessions of an Over-Giver by Elizabeth Gilbert

i started to shake as i read it - i have NEVER heard anyone pinpoint a character defect so succinctly that affects so many areas of my life.  i love to give, i need to give, i give willingly and without strings, it is my favorite thing in the whole wide world.  no boundaries, no limits, no wisdom (obviously) - and i had NO idea how it was degrading the ground under which i and others stood.

the constant sanding away at their dignity, overwhelmed by my excess, of words, time, food, sex, commitment, friendship, work, service, information - it just doesn't end.  i feel like i finally have the key to the door that has blocked so much of my life that i honestly cannot even believe it.  i have NO idea what to do with it, but i am scared and excited and hopeful and terrified.  but i can now begin to understand what i have done, where i can make amends, how i can prevent it from happening in the future, so many things can change.

i sent it to my therapist with a note that said "help me obi wan, you're my only hope" - joke - but it really feels like i need a guide in this - it is such new territory.  it is why i can't sponsor, it is why the needy that are so attracted to me end up demoralized instead of empowered - it is going to be a paradigm shift that will rock my world.  i can't imagine it.  the deadly part of this is that liam is also an over-giver too.

so was my pop.  i learned it from him.  and his generosity to use stole much dignity and struggle that we needed to grow up.  i am gobsmacked in the full, literal sense.

on a side note - i asked liam to read my last post on sunday and we took a walk and talked and really got honest and opened up about our fears and our hopes and our commitment to each other.  it was really beautiful.  hope this finds you well and entering into holy week in a beautiful way.  i am.