when the light turns on

i spent many years at our last church teaching a sunday morning class to middle schoolers. up until the point that i did it was a dry, dreary, confirmation-type class. the kids hated it and the teachers resented the duty they felt having to be strapped with the obligation to cram these heads full of the information they needed to grow up. i committed to the class only when i got full reign of what i was able to teach and how i planned on doing it.

it became 4 years of real joy. i found a groove with those kids that we all loved. i treated them like they had brains and wanted to learn and they gave me a place to begin to verbalize big thoughts and deep theology in a way that we both could understand it and grow. i loved those kids and they loved me. many stayed in my class once middle school was done because they enjoyed it so much. it wasn't the most popular class, but the kids who came really wanted to learn and knew that i could teach them.

it's one of the only things i truly miss about our last church. i knew i left those kids prepared to own their own faith, ask difficult questions and be okay with answers that weren't all about their heads and not their hearts. i still keep in touch with many of them to this day.

upon the entrance of my very own pink into middle school this year i realized that she was the age of the girls that started in my class years ago. i knew there really wasn't the kind of class that would help she and her friends prepare to own their faith in a real way that would help them navigate through their teen years. liam and i volunteered to do the middle school youth group on wednesday nights and i volunteered to teach sundays for the month of november.

the learning curve for mid-high is L.O.N.G. those boys have the attention span of a common house fly and earning the right to be heard with these young hearts was going to be the biggest challenge that i would face. it took me a week to understand that small tables wasn't going to be the best way to keep their attention. week 2 i circled the chairs and brought out 'the paddle of power' (sarcasm necessary) - a ping pong paddle that you needed to hold if you wanted to share your story with the group.

i decided that i might only ever get these four weeks with them, so i needed to pick my topics well. what were the things over 42 years of life that i would die for? what were the things that i believed were the most important.

i realized that giving them tools to help them build their own spiritual lives with god was what i longed for each of them, especially pink, to know. the first week we talked about being still, silence, solitude and even did a short ignatian gospel reading together. it's the most interactive, talkative class and it's like herding cats sometimes, but i know that there were real, live tools that these kids were taking into the future with them.

the second week we talked about the daily examen. highs and lows and what we can learn about ourselves and following god through listening to our best and worst. it was so lovely to sit with those 8th grade boys, new this week, who had no interest in being in the class, begin to share their highs with the class, then they felt safe enough to share their lows, without me even asking, and they unfolded their lives and stories before me. it was a sacred honor.

last week wires got crossed and i was given "relief" (that i really didn't want) but had planned on talking about confession, and following it up this week with forgiveness. so today i talked with them about both. i pray each week for a word picture or story to help me begin each class with. they always come and are so beautiful and rich as they help the kids engage in the process before they've even realize why i am talking about these things. today i brought a garbage can and a recycling bin into the middle of the circle.

they sat there for a few minutes ignoring them until finally one curious girl finally asked "what are these doing here?" we spoke of the gift that god has given us to be able to clean up the messes we make with confession and forgiveness. the garbage can was used in so many different ways to talk about what happens when we ignore our messes, or what happens when someone gives us their garbage to carry by hurting us.

i saw lights turn on in eyes today. bright beautiful lights. in bright, beautiful eyes. what a gift to be able to help these young souls understand the gift that confession and forgiveness bring to their lives.

i had a father come up to me after the class. he's a former pastor who's been through his long, laundry list of abuse by the church, and tell me how much his two kids like having me for a teacher. it's nice to hear from him, but i could see it in their own eyes today. i have missed that light.

years ago i thought that i was given children to teach because others thought i wasn't skilled enough to teach adults. what i found out was that i loved it. those young minds are such a joy.

confession and forgiveness

i have a lot of thoughts brewing on this as liam and i are doing some deep work here. i think we've uncovered something that i haven't heard anyone write on or talk about before. i'm trying to see if it resonates "out in the real world" or if it's just between us...

becoming un-meshed has been part of working my program these past couple of months. i have lived vicariously through liam for our whole 23 years together. it started because of bad theology and coming from a family of addictive behavior - but it's not working for either of us and i have found that being intentional in this regard is helping so much.

becoming un-meshed has allowed for so much more clarity in our interactions and i have spotted some areas recently that have consistently tied us into knots for the whole of our married lives. one of those massive tangles comes in the area of confession and forgiveness.

i will try to write about this with respect to liam's story being his own - but so you know that the areas that do touch his story are added with his blessing.

as i've written before my dearest husband is one of the gentlest souls i know. he would never intentionally hurt me, or anyone else i think. he struggles with intention and has to work very hard to live in that space. it is his virtue and his vice. one of the ways in which this manifests is that because he never intentionally hurts me he assumes that he hasn't hurt me.

therein lies the rub. what we have untangled here is an area that goes to the root of one of the miscommunication areas we regularly find ourselves in. i am injured, he is confused, he is sad i am injured and apologies to me.

looks like it's working - but it's not. this is the knot we have had to unravel in the past few months and it finally twisted free the other day.

i was finally able to listen to the words he used and actually heard his apology. he said "i'm so sorry that i hurt your feelings" - i realized at that moment it sounded an awful lot like so many of his other apologies - "i'm sorry...you..." what i realized is that his apology wasn't dealing with his behavior - but my response to his behavior.

i asked if we could stop the current conversation and deal with the over-problem that i saw that was bringing this issue up so frequently lately. he agreed and i tried to explain what i saw.

instead of apologizing for the behavior that hurt me liam was apologizing for my feeling badly - so i had been actually forgiving him for me feeling badly. instead of apologizing for his own actions he was really obtusely saying "i'm sorry that you're fragile" or "i'm sorry that you aren't strong enough to weather this" - i truly believe that this is an area that leads back to him not really feeling like his 'unintentional' action warranted an apology. he believed in his heart that since he didn't "try to hurt me" he really didn't have anything to apologize for - but did so just to clear the road.

kind of "well, if this is what it takes to move the discussion forward -i'm sorry - there is that better?"

what i tried to help him understand is that confession really isn't for the person you are confessing to - but confession is for the self - the one - it is the tool that brings freedom from shame - i confess to god, to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs FOR ME - not for them. god doesn't need me to confess my sin for him - he has given me confession as a tool because he knows that by saying it out loud i am owning it and then receiving the glory of forgiveness, and the healing that it brings.

if we are unable to confess from our own moral inventory - even the things we "didn't mean to do" we are then free from them and don't carry their shame any more. a true confession and apology should never have the words "i'm sorry you..." in them. confession is an "I" and "I" alone kind of tool.

does that make sense? i think he understood it and we both felt like the strands of that tangle came free. what do you think?

spiderman 3 - the greatest battle lies within

the first trailer for the new spiderman movie is out and sap that i am, it made me cry. i was doing some research for a trip that pink wants to go on with her class as they've discussed seeing this movie at the IMAX on their trip and i wanted to know if it was appropriate for 5th (almost 6th! graders).

from what i have seen so far, it is beautiful. revenge, forgiveness and finding the strength to ask for help. what a story of recovery.

you can see trailer one here:

spiderman 3

dirty little secrets - porn & the church

professor ben witherington @ asbury seminary has a great post on the church's dirty little secret - both in the pulpit & the pews much of the church is struggling with unacknowledged sexual addiction. the dirty part of this isn't the struggle - it's the lack of acknowledgment. i left a comment there and committed to blog on why i think this is a problem at the deepest root core of the modern church.

paul tells us in 1 corinthians 10:13 - such is common to all - no, not maybe the addiction aspect of the struggle - but the acknowledgment of the problem - we ALL are created as sexual beings, it is a basic, god-given part of our nature. god knew that without that drive we would all be sitting alone in our caves communicating through the internet (wait, isn't that what we're doing??). intimacy is the deep well within each of us that we desperately try to fill. i believe that is one of the reasons why god gave us our sex-drives.

this is a theory in process, i have been thinking about it for over a year now and have never written about it - i don't think i have all of the answers, but i know that the time and work others have taken to earn degrees and diplomas i have poured into recovery and addiction. i am not a theologian or a psychologist, that may disqualify me to some, but i would find that unfortunate as my black-belt in recovery has been earned with books, bumps, bruises and a life lived in the attempt of acknowledging my powerlessness over my addictions.

the base of my hypothesis (please track this all out with me, it's not scholarly, but i think if you read to the end it might explain itself) is that somewhere along the line of our spiritual lives, especially those who choose a life in ministry and receive theological training (i have a bsc in biblical studies and a call of god on my life) something happens between the christian's need for answers to the mysteries of god and their need for surety.

most of this training occurs in the lives of the called at a very tender age. the idealism of youth works against the christian's ability to dwell in the questions. the surety of their education and good grades allows them to leave university or seminary with the confidence that they are able to face any and all of lifes issues.

my theory is that when my answers and surety don't line up with reality and the problems and questions i face day to day (especially in ministry) i begin to separate myself. to doubt is unacceptable. to question god seems sinful, so i give assent to what i "know in my head" but my heart and soul start to withdraw from that aspect of my life. this creates a real inconsistency that when driven apart by crisis becomes the crevasse that so many deeply committed christians begin to fall into.

the downfall of the educational process is that no rewards are given for the mystery. no honors are given for the questions. it is only the answers, and the correct answers at that, that are held up as good and right. and because most educational institutions are supported by denominations only those denominationally correct answers are honored. the others are unfortunately demonized to some level.

so i begin to minister, whether it is lay ministry or paid ministry, it rarely matters, i am fulfilling the call of god on my life. i begin to create the person that i bring with me to church, to my community and into public life. this is the person with all of the answers, the knowing smile and the deep desire to please god and fulfill my call.

this projected personality begins with the best of intentions, with the deepest level of commitment to god and ministry and is born out of an insecurity that comes from the realization that we aren't as prepared for ministry and real life as we thought we were.

what if someone finds out i don't have all the answers? what if they see i am this afraid? what if they see me for who i really am? how will i support my family? who will hire me again? what can i do now?

it is fear that separates us and shame that keeps us separated.

the part i am ashamed of stays back in the recesses. confused, alone afraid and beginning to question everything. life isn't working out at all like i planned it. my marriage is hard work, my finances are a mess, my boss doesn't understand me and my congregation doesn't appreciate me.

i try only to feed the public projection of myself. the part that everyone sees. i work for all i'm worth, meet as many needs as i am able and stand as a paramount to all that god has done in my life. this projection is real, it isn't a mask.(yet) this projected self is who i long to be with all of my heart. unfortunately i am unable to keep this projection functioning without my heart and soul. i am unable to join into the community i have created, to know and be known because it is there someone might realize that i am divided. that i am separate. that i am hiding something.

even the relationships that are most intimate to me, my spouse, family members and best friends must be kept at arms length so that i don't disappoint them, and supremely so that i don't disappoint god.

when that happens i must revert to my hidden self. the self that feels the emotions, the rejection, the pain. the self that grieves the losses and questions the answers and the theology i have been taught. they fail me now and i am unable to come in from the cold. all of my self-discipline, determination and desire cannot keep me from this frailty and keep the projected self on course. this is when the division between selves becomes critical. intervention at this point can save many. but the tyranny of church boards and the need for ministers to be free from sin, especially sexual sin, causes most to give up hope of ever receiving the help they truly need.

if resentments or hurt are done to the projected self i must return to my hidden self to lick my wounds. this is where i meet my needs because god seems to be unable or unwilling to do so. this is where i rationalize what is owed to me for all of the hard work i have been doing. i begin to decide what i 'deserve'. i begin to feel levels of entitlement before unknown to me. this is place where the addictions begin.

i blogged earlier this month about the 'thumb in my back' where i talked about my hunch that far too often the call of god looks an awful lot like codependency and manifests itself like another of the church's dirty little secrets of ministry - workaholism and a driven lifestyle:

one of my favorite metaphors about workaholism and that driven mentality is that of a boiling pot. the steam must escape somewhere. we just keep adding fuel, sitting on the lid and trying our darnedest to keep it sealed tight. the truth is that there will always be a place where the steam escapes. it's a law of nature.

i think that the steam escapes either physically, the workaholic's own body betrays him. heart attacks, strokes or other manifestations of the inability to be the six-million dollar pastor. usually those type of ministers don't last. it's the physically healthy ones we prop up on the pedestals - so then the steam must escape elsewhere.

i think family relations are probably the truest vent. the weakest link in the chain of the family dynamic falls apart - usually that 'black sheep' of a pastor's kid who just can't take the all of the stress that the mechanical family is dishing out.

my greatest fear though is that the steam escapes through sin. the rationalization that happens in the mind of an overworked person is an extraordinary thing. entitlement and payback for slaving away can be so very enticing. convincing ourselves that we "deserve" a break or a reward is so easy. but unfortunately the relational ties in the life of the workaholic are so non-existent true celebration and engagement can't happen. so that desire for intimacy won't go unmet and the minister ends up substituting any fix along the way to fill the gaping void of reward and relationship.

the steam is what drives us to back to the hidden personality. we are drained, wounded and need refilled. we don't have the time, relationships, energy, or financial resources to refill in healthy ways, so a quick fix must be found.

ministers are called to create intimacy and community - it is usually a great desire of their heart. i believe that many times we are most broken in the places of our greatest passion. my sexual addiction really has very little to do with sex. it has to do with my deep desire for intimacy. instead of banqueting at the lavish table of kingdom life - i replace the feast of community with the bait of sexual addiction and pornography.

bait for real food. it is why addiction works. it is enough like the real thing to masquerade itself as the banquet. my hidden self would never get an invitation to the banquet, so i must feed myself. the lie of pornography and sexual addiction is that it is going to fill that void. that what i really want is sex, release, pleasure and stimulation. it comes straight from the pit of hell. bait always does. it also always has a hook in it. it is the nature of bait.

i blogged on it here:

satan is the master of the bait and switch. he takes what is given by god and bastardizes it just one notch. instead of healthy, healing, god-given guilt the devil steps in and turns it into shame. guilt brings life and restoration, shame only death and separation.

the only problem is that in an addict's mind the two have never been separated. our minds are so clouded by shame and the addiction that the life giving guilt that allows others to make different choices has been bastardized by the devil into one and the same. shame convinces me that i am wrong, that i have no choice.

that is why a feast can be prepared before an addict and they will choose to eat the ashes. i try to explain it to the youth i work with by talking about fishing. i personally hate fishing, but liam and my father love it.

they wade in the water and offer food to those fish. big, juicy looking worms and bugs. but they aren't offering food are they? they are offering bait. there is always a hook involved in bait. satan is the baitmaster. he holds out the counterfeit and says 'hey look, yummy!' and those pre-disposed to bait end up falling for it. the false intimacy of pornography, the mind numbing effect of drugs or alcohol, the quick fix of adrenaline that comes from risky behavior, the lie of feeling less empty with my mouth full of food. it all has a hook. it's not the feast of amazing.

so my theory is that the root of this problem stems from the inability the church has to wrestle with the questions and not have the answers. i don't know how this can be fixed, but i know we are doing a great disservice to those sincere young men and women who fill our bible schools and seminaries looking for all the answers their idealistic minds can hold. what could be done if we allowed them to dwell in the questions, to teach them to teach others to do the same? to live in the present, feel our emotions and re-learn how to confess our sins.

one of the greatest losses to the protestant church was the discipline of confession. instead of reforming the idea of verbal confession to begin between brothers and sisters in the church and removing it from the 'father confessor' role (which with good theology behind it can still be an amazingly useful tool). james 5:16 tells us that if we confess our sins one to another and pray for each other WE WILL BE HEALED. yes, we are meant to confess to god - but what we forget is the power of confessing to a trusted, kindred soul allows us to see a jesus 'with skin on' and when they don't run screaming from the room something within us heals. we are reassured that 'such is common to all' is really true.

that is truly why the 12 steps work. if the church could re-learn this discipline of confession (instead of accountability, which is a whole different post...) and prayer community could truly be restored. god help us all.

not ready to make nice

i woke up to an email from anj this morning. she had a link to the dixie chicks new video called 'not ready to make nice'. it's one of the most moving images i've ever seen. please be prepared, if you have had any abuse in your life it will raise up deep emotions within you. the ink stains are the deepest metaphor i've seen for the damage predators do to our lives.

but it's not all desperate - it's empowering and liberating too. here's the lyrics to the song:

Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Natalie Maines

Dixie Chicks new album releases May 23, 2006

you can find the video here:
dixie chicks

press release for their new album 'taking the long way' here

healing our memories

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. When we forgive a person, the memory of the wound might stay with us for a long time, even throughout our lives. Sometimes we carry the memory in our bodies as a visible sign. But forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. When we forgive our parents for their divorce, our children for their lack of attention, our friends for their unfaithfulness in crisis, our doctors for their ill advice, we no longer have to experience ourselves as the victims of events we had no control over.

Forgiveness allows us to claim our own power and not let these events destroy us; it enables them to become events that deepen the wisdom of our hearts. Forgiveness indeed heals memories.

Henri Nouwen

taking out the garbage

neritia, janet, and lilly have all got me thinking about forgiveness.

i think this is one of the huge areas where the church falls down. most of the teaching that i've heard on this, or even read for that matter is watered down and weak. shame based and full of should's. rarely about the why's and the tools that we are given in dealing with conflict, anger, health and healing.

lilly talked about ogres and onions. that is one of my favorite parts of shrek, the conversation about layers and parfaits and onions makes me smile even now as i think of it. ogres have layers, and those layers are like onions.

i have likened my recovery to an onion. god brings me to a place where i am facing a huge part of myself, my sin or stuff that has been done to me. i work through the pain, feel the emotions and gain perspective and learning from it. i think 'oh good, now that's over, whew. glad i'm finished...' and about a week later, in my face is another layer of the onion - just as big, or sometimes bigger than the last layer. that is the paradox. we keep thinking that the onion is going to get smaller with each layer, but in my experience it doesn't.

please don't get discouraged by that - it only means that we have the experience, strength and hope from that last layer that allows us to face the next one. and each layer usually involves it's own emotions and levels of forgiveness.

i remember reading that 70x7 time in the gospels as a kid and thinking jesus was a bit daft. i mean that in the most respectful way, but really, smack me in the face once and apologize, i'll probably forgive you, but turn right around and do it to me again (let alone 70 more times) come on jesus? really?

what i have come to find out in recovery is that's probably not the full explanation of the message that jesus was trying convey.

each layer of that onion that i am dealing with brings back old junk that i have to deal with. each time i think 'oh, not again...' it's like that scab gets picked off sometimes and those emotions rise up and i need to deal with the event, the person or at least the emotions again. forgiveness is a choice. don't let anyone ever tell you it will be this dimly lit, soft music playing in the background scene where you both walk off into the sunset. it's gritty, real and the stuff that life is made of.

after each recovery session we join hands and say the lord's prayer. 'as we forgive those who trespass against us' sticks in my throat each time. yuck. only as much as i forgave them?? yep. why?

i think it goes back to that layer thing. i am only able to receive as much as i am able to give away. eternal principles are at work here. if i have my hands full of the junk other people have given me, done to me, or abused me with then i have no room to receive the forgiveness i am asking for. my hands are full.

i try to explain it to the youth i teach with this illustration. when someone hurts, injures or wounds you it's like they hand you a bag a garbage and say 'here, hold this'. and we do. we walk around with it, and the others we have been given and carry them through life. the whole time we are thinking 'this stinks, i hate this. look at all this crap i have to carry.' all the time getting more weighed down, tired and resentful.

jesus says 'set the bags down, step away from the garbage, choose to walk around free and clear'. (my paraphrase). and each time that layer strips away and i stand facing the next one i am tempted to pick that bag up again. muttering to myself 'i'll get you now, see this garbage, this stinks. i'll get you now...' when really all that has happened is that i've returned like a dog to my vomit and am wallowing in it.

it is only with empty hands that we are able to receive. 'as we forgive those who trespass against us.'

i think that there has been a lot of error in teaching too about the way forgiveness is to take place. god is the only one who forgets. he's the only one capable of the forgetting. that horrible line 'forgive and forget' isn't in the bible - yet i heard that heresy my whole life.

what forgiveness really means is giving up the rights to punish and seek retribution. letting go. setting down the bag. i'll never forget that i was raped. never. but it doesn't bring back poison every time i remember it. really. i know that may sound trite or simple. it's not. it's never easy, but it does get easier.

i suspect that 70x7 really means is that i personally am re-experiencing the
emotions and trauma again. that those feelings are welling up within me again, and i need to deal with them each time - even 140 times they could haunt me. not that someone has smacked me in the face 70 times and i am supposed to keep forgiving them. those layers of pain, trauma and emotion would kill us is we had to 'eat the onion whole'. that's why 'next' is so important in my recovery.

that's why the founders of AA were god inspired (IMHO), 12 steps, broken down into bite size pieces. not one whole big unswallowable chunk rammed down our throats. just 'next'. it's linking all of those tiny 'nexts' together that brings health and healing, in tiny little baby steps.

what garbage do i need to take out today lord?