day 8 - sick as a dog

naseau, chills, vomiting, achiness, sick as a dog, the kind of sick you think that it can't get worse, and then it does... can't really write.

buck's (son) nurse said that the flu was probably messing with his number bringing him low - we hadn't experienced that before, so it should clear up as he gets healthy again.

we're supposed to go away this weekend. we haven't had a vacation in over a year. really sad that it might be cancelled because of sickness. might be able to postpone until later in march break.

too much up in the air and feeling too crappy to care.

day 7 - it's still monday somewhere...

crap. taking sunday off as is supposedly okay to do for lent threw me off - i find that if i do something every day i can repeat it, but if i break the chain all bets are off...

i've been sitting up at the computer for hours, trying to waste time and not fall asleep because i'm on son watch tonight... totally forgot that i could have been blogging.

kept the kids home today. as i told a friend, it feels like we got drug through the weekend by our heels. it takes its toll.

he's appropriately in the safe zone now, so i can go to bed... but wish he was just a bit higher. we gave him less long acting insulin tonight, so that should have made the difference, and he wasn't all active today, so it should have been fine... the fact that it's not is disconcerting... calling doctor tomorrow to figure out what to do. we've never been at this place before. it is new uncharted territory and i don't like it at all. the only thing i hope is that this might push us up the chart for a pump for him...

day 6 - 4 minutes before midnight

okay, i haven't missed my lenten commitment - i have 4 minutes until saturday is over... crazy busy day, brain is dead, boss did not get me my stock until last night to list in ebay, spent whole day scanning/cropping/listing/launching - it's far more time consuming than one would think. i usually like to have everything scanned and cropped around thursday - doing it all in one day makes me so taxed out.

forced myself to be social tonight, it was harder than i thought it would be, but i was glad that i went. it was a rollicking dance at our church for the whole family. cover songs and a pot luck - so different than what i grew up with. glad my kids are being raised in an environment that allows for celebration and silliness. it was really nice to dance with liam and be out for the night.

number one son is giving us some frights with his diabetes last night and tonight. he must have hit an insulin pocket and we just couldn't keep enough food in him to maintain his blood sugars... no rest even when you sleep on those kind of nights... am only still up because tonight he has complained of feeling horrible. figured it was from the dancing and the potluck access to lots of desserts. his blood sugar was high at bed snack and then came down like a rock - then he vomited, so we're not sure what to do. can't keep blood sugars up if he's vomiting, it means hospital if he continues. so i pumped him up with another glass of juice to either make him sick again so we at least know where we'll be tonight or to bring his levels back up...

could be a long one. think i'm headed to bed until i know more of what's going on. i keep hearing footsteps upstairs and wondering if he's headed for the bathroom... poor kid......

UPDATE: he was vomiting... liam has just taken him to hospital, any prayers would be appreciated. he's not in danger, just needs an IV to keep his blood sugars up (and the hydration doesn't hurt either).

capturing the memory

i'm at that point in parenting where i'm not "allowed" to talk about my kids anymore. i hate it. so i'm blogging this here so that i remember it.

we took a drive yesterday after a picnic just because we all so wanted to be out and not heading home yet.

we drove through a part of town we don't frequent often and there was a couple playing tennis.

buck says "OH, i didn't know they had tennis courts here"

mom - "i didn't know you liked tennis buck, did you want to learn how to play"

buck "oh yeah mom, it's like ping pong, only you get to stand on the table!"

:D

fools names and fools faces...

buck came home from school tonight and told me he slugged a kid. in his eleven years he's only ever once been pushed to violence. it seems that two punks kids in his class chose today to call him names. one called him 'turnip' which has a form of our last name to it, the other kid started calling him 'tinker' and it ended up as tinkerbell. after about the sixth time buck gave him a shove and felt so bad about it he told me about it first thing.

i loathe violence. i know that buck is one of the tallest, most mature kids in his grade, so he's not going to get bullied, but pestered is sometimes as bothersome. i encouraged him to be more creative than violence, to use his wit and sense of humor to remind these boys that they should think twice about pestering him.

i asked what their names were to help him begin to think of better comebacks than pushing. as he told me the one little boys name, liam and i looked at each other across the room shaking our heads and trying to keep from laughing because the same exact thought ran through both of our heads. the little boys last name was erskine - i said "that boy should be very careful he doesn't mock last names because he could wear a doozie for the rest of his school days" of course, as good parents we did not breathe a word of it to him, but liam joked afterward about having to call the boys father, "er, mr. foreskin, it's about your son..."

update on buck

i realized after ang left a comment that some people might not be on facebook where we've been placing most of the updates on buck. holding my breath as i type this, but he might actually be coming home TODAY. unbelievable.

his primary care doctors, the pediatrician and surgeon have both gone south for spring break and the plan of care they left seems to indicate that if his chest x-ray and CBC today pass muster and the extramural nurse is in place buck can head home today with a pump for his antibiotic. he will keep the picc line and they will be able to continue to draw blood there instead of him having to keep getting poked about.

throughout this his t1 diabetes has been the least of our worries. his bsl's and insulin doses have maintained consistent through this and it's almost been a t1 vacation of sorts - very little carb counting and for much of the time he was even on an insulin drip that they had honed to a science.

i have been up since 5:00 - pink has been sick with a head cold/cough/throat thingy so disinfecting everything was probably a good idea. keeping house hasn't been top on my list or liam's during this survival mode we've been operating in.

i floated around yesterday in space - got groceries and wandered the aisles of a couple stores. it feels surreal to not be constantly on alert - regularly engaged in the care and keeping of the other. it is a mode i function in well - and have a difficult time stopping. i don't know what this next week will look like. the kids are also on march break, so we will have a gentle re-entry. unfortunately the week after all three of us go back to school as my intensive begins monday - i have the easy stuff out of the way - it's the deep things i have left - and weeding through that with the kids home next week won't be the easiest - but i will manage.

i am looking forward to having two stimulating weeks for me though - i just wish i had a wife to take care of all of the stuff that needs to be done! dang.

f@%k lent

most of you know that i casually keep the church calendar and have made quite a point about lent these past few years. maundy tuesday caught me totally off guard - i was in line at the hospital caf and saw they were serving pancakes and just about cried. no ash wednesday, no planning, no praying, no intentional marking of these precious 40 days. i felt ashamed, guilty and frustrated. how could i have lost something so big. i joke that every year christmas sneaks up on my mother in law. like it floats around on the calendar like easter and she just can't seem to remember when it is.

that's how i felt with lent this year. i see so many delving deep on their blogs and i can't even read their beautiful lenten thoughts.

fuck the desert. i'm sick and tired of the damn desert.

i switched with liam yesterday to come home and collect myself for the weekend. there was a wonderful email from erin:

"Looks like Lent came early for you this year. I don't know that anyone would choose to give up their family (in that way) for so long, but it feels from here like some desert wandering."

it's exactly how i feel. (thank you erin). winter is kicking my ass and so is this hospital stay. i finally breathed fresh air yesterday (for the first time in a week) when i walked to the parking lot to head home. i'm wiped out. we just keep getting creamed by bad news and i'm sick of it - i'm sick of the pressure people around me put on me unknowingly for me to have some good news for them because they're praying so hard and their faith in god hinges on the health of my son. fuck the desert.

we were told yesterday that he could go home with an antibiotic pump on monday if he was fever free for 72 hours. we had made it 24. by yesterday at 2:00 when he spiked a fever we were both a puddle of tears. so much pressure on a 10 year old boy who wants to be home by his 11th birthday wednesday. fuck. fuck. fuck.

what could live in his body after all of the mass spectrum antibiotic to cause a fever after this just terrifies me. he has nothing left to fight with and neither do i. his spine is poking out his back like a baby dragon that has just hatched from an egg. my precious, vibrant, beautiful son has been reduced to an ashen, waxy, hunched over boy who is so tired of being a specimin that other people crowd around to poke, examine and talk about like he wasn't even there. i see him withdrawing and it frightens me. i am so damn scared.

i have a wonderful friend who tells me that the railing i am doing at god is precious to him - it shows how much faith i have. i just need spring, new creation and green right now. life, beauty, color. everything feels so grey. so i am taking in beauty, color and life for lent. fuck the desert. ya'll can nest there if you want to - but i've given up enough right now and i just can't spare any more.

powerlessness

i realized as i read my daily reading from yesterday (about powerlessness) that it is truly where i am at. smack, dab in the middle of powerlessness, more than i have ever been in my life. i don't like it at all.

in the midst of all of this i have realized that my addictions have morphed (with all of the push ups they've been doing shape shifting gets pretty easy) and begun to look much more subtle than they used to. i think the issue that i dealt w/ below has a lot to do with my sexual addiction rearing it's head in a very different version of itself.

on feb. 13th at around 7:00 i realized that i had a wicked case of heartburn. i haven't had heartburn in years. i got a wake up call when i faced the fact that i was truly tempted to purge. if you know my story you'll know how despicable vomiting is to me - but it was my addiction changing itself. it also meant that i had overeaten and used food to comfort myself that day. i hadn't eating any of my trigger foods, but i cringed at the thought of telling my sponsor about it and was tempted to lie (or omit) and i realized that if i had something to hide, it meant i had something to hide. secrets mean shame for me, and shame always plunges me back into my addictions - so i have reset my abstinence date to feb. 14th. clean abstinence is far more important to me than a big fat number.

i have been abstinent for one week.

i also broke the chain of writing on the 12th (think they might be linked?) i was just too tired to put pen to paper and didn't want to have to look at my fear for buck and the powerlessness of the whole situation. dang.

so, just for today i am embracing my powerlessness. i head back to the hospital and liam assures me that i will see a boy who looks far more like my son than the one i left behind. i had horrible sleeps while here at home. ironically i slept so much more deeply at the hospital. sounds strange, but i realized that it was the assurance that the nurses would come and knock on my little lounge door and wake me if something went wrong. when i awoke at home the fear and anxiety was oppressive. powerlessness. it has nothing to do with geography, but being closer to him in proximity will be quite a relief. thanks for your prayers.

and i thought i was cracked open last week...

oh my. this has been a hellish week. i feel like i've gone from the frying pan into the fire. our son buck (who is t1 diabetic) was vomiting all last week and they finally figured out that he needed to be in hospital. they didn't know what was wrong, but knew it wasn't right. fast forward - ruptured appendix and abscess removed and the recovery has been 1 step forward 2 steps back all week.

poor kid. it's excruciating to watch your 10 year old son have to endure this kind of pain, confusion and prodding. the medical care has been outstanding and he has a dozen of doctors on his staff. he's been in picu the whole time and the nurses have come to adore him. but somehow in the big important things happening to him they weren't understanding that he hadn't been getting real nutrition for the past couple of weeks - and so his body is literally breaking down. they put in a pic line yesterday and have started him on tpn - the most basic form w/out the fat so that he can slowly build back up what has been lost. how does a child in north america become malnourished? it doesn't make any sense. and please this is not socialized medicine - his care is stellar - it's just that surgeons have been so concerned that the infection in his gut would rear it's head and they would have to operate again that keeping him off of food was important because his bowel isn't working.

so he literally has 4 iv lines running into him and he's retaining so much fluid - it's horrible to watch this vibrant young boy trapped inside this body that isn't working. i hate this.

liam took two days off so that he could man the post as he heard in my voice that i was running so thin. i got my period yesterday and knew that i couldn't break down in front of buck so that i wouldn't scare him. i didn't want to leave his side, but knew that if i didn't care for myself i wouldn't be able to care for him. liam walked me to the car and as i got in i realized all of the picu noise, alarms and buzz was gone and i was truly alone. that is usually a good thing, but i have had so much head time lately - too much thinking and not enough processing - that i realized i needed some input. i turned on our 21 year old stereo and tried to find a station. i haven't turned on a radio in over 7 years. i really love silence and my thoughts, but knew that this wasn't the time for it. i was exhausted and needed to be alert for the next 90 minutes.

i found a dreamy enya like song and thought 'okay, this will work', paid for my parking and headed home. by the time i hit the highway the old stevie nicks song landslide was playing - i haven't listened to the radio in 7 years and THIS is the song that comes on the radio? i started to keen. i could barely see through my tears to pay the bridge toll and stay on the road. the next song was luba's "every time i see your picture i cry" and i began to scream "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM" over and over at the top of my lungs.

i am flat out cracked open and have no place safe to hide any more. this has stripped me bare to my core and everything feels like it's on the line.

i am home, drinking my own fair trade scandanavian blend with my wonderful daughter on the computer next to me - we have been given the blessing of a snow day and will be spending it together some how. we both need this, and so i needed to get this off my chest this a.m. so that i could be present for her and not terrify her with the depth of my deep emotions.

please pray. i can't seem to find god in this. that is my prayer. (other than heal him NOW) - that we would all see the places that god is with us in this moment. to know that he has not abandoned us to our pain and fear. we have all been face to face with our deepest fear this week and it is horrible. i want to be face to face with god in this fear and i can't seem to find him.

funny son

buck came up to me this a.m. while getting ready for church and said "hey mom, i know what my answering machine message is going to be when i'm in college" (forward thinking young lad!)

"Hello, you've reached Buck, please leave a message after the swear word bbbbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeppppp"

just wanted to remember this here so i don't forget.

counting on me

sue from my father's house asked how it was going with buck's JD. i have tried to get words together and onto the blog, but they just haven't come yet. maybe this time they will. i loathe the math that has forced it's way into my life. it is exhausting me mentally. i know that we'll get past this onerous stage, but right now the calculations, counting and numbers make me angry, resentful and tired. i verbalized this at lunch yesterday with my family. i tried to explain the frantic way meal prep feels again. it used to be cooking that overwhelmed me. since moving here i have found a wonderful groove in the kitchen. we have become great cooks and have a lot of healthy, rich, wonderful meals together as a family.

we are making out own instead of pre-packed, reheated grocery store prepped food. it feels so good. but that is part of the problem. prepackaged food comes with this lovely little chart on the side that tells me how many carbs something has. casseroles do not. meat and potatoes is an easy meal to figure out, but much of our menu isn't that lush. we have a budget and mixed up meals are hard to calculate.

each carb has to be counted and treated for buck to function at his best. i told them in tears yesterday that i am so tempted to just hand him a box of lunchables and say "done" (he would love that for a season - lunchables are the be-all and end-all of lunching extravagance in my kids economy). i said if there were breakfast-ables and supper-ables i'd give them to him too - just to be able to have a meal that isn't so freaking exhausting.

it makes me angry that the joy of communing together has been stolen from me (and the level at which this stresses me out steals the joy from the rest of my family...) pre-packaged crap food would be so much easier to feed him. that is why atkins prepackages everything - people who count carbs get tired of it too. yes, there are websites and places like recipezaar give nutritional info on their recipes - but portion sizes are still so random - never does it say "each serving is 1 cup" or 1/2 cup has 12 carbs... the math is basic, but numbers have never been my friend. if i am interrupted at any point in the calculations i have to start over (and over, and over) and i haven't yet found the flow that i know will one day come - but for today it is mind-numbingly frustrating.

the other thing that happened last week was that buck had 2 low episodes at school. they weren't life threatening or even scary - but that means that he is starting to respond to the insulin - and that changes all of the ratios and we have to be much more aware and alert. that level of alert is so tiring. he got up to pee at 3:00 this a.m. and i hopped out of bed to make sure he was okay. i didn't get back to sleep until about 5:30 and had to get up again at 6:30. hyper-vigilance was something i was able to let go of in recovery about 15 months ago - having to re-engage it makes me mad and feels like going backwards.

i told liam this a.m. that it felt like a sick joke that i have just begun to let go of the obsession i had been feeling towards food in the past couple of weeks (it's been amazing btw) and now i'm forced to think about meals and food nearly 1/2 of the day. i'm not obsessing, but i am forced to plan and engage with food like it's my new job.

my recovery is sweeter than it has been in years though and i am reaping the benefits from that. i just need to put some elbow grease into getting some meal plans charted out and have some "thought free" breakfasts and lunches written out so that i'm not spending all of the mental energy i have in the day before 8:00 a.m. when the kids leave for school.

liam and i have both been sitting with empty for quite a bit lately and we are both seeing the changes in our bodies. he's dropped at least 2 sizes and i am feeling so much better in my skin. i am so tempted to weigh myself, but that always does me in, so i am saying no to that scale and allowing my own body to measure itself instead of some random number on a scale. i feel healthy and mostly serene (except when numbers creep into my day!) :)

thanks for asking sue - buck is doing so well. he's amazing and such a sweet kid. it's been such a joy to learn from him as he faces this challenge. he's teaching me so much. i'm thinking about starting a blog for parents with kids and JD - i figure there must be tips and tricks we can learn from each other, and i'd hate for all of this work i'm doing to get organized just to be for me - i just need to think of a catchy name - anyone??

home and exhausted

hi all, don't know how many know as i blogged mostly on my named blog and updated on facebook, (and i can't remember what i wrote here and am to lazy to look) but my son buck is now juvenile diabetic and has a team of incredible doctors/nutritionist/nurse working on his case.

we're home, safe and prepared, but the mental energy it takes to not forget anything is exhausting and i haven't gotten the needed sleep to face even a normal day, let alone this kind of day. i have been writing every day for the past two weeks and my food/abstinence is still good. i'm only eating at meals and have made it through the worst of this storm i think.

hope told me the other day that she could see my recovery was solid because of the way i was able to face this. that meant the world to me. i told her that i have avoided counting and measuring my whole recovery life, so it makes me smile to think i get to do it now out of love for my son instead of out of obligation or legalism for myself. i am learning much.

other than the exhaustion and i fell flat on my butt walking to the house yesterday just was we got home everything is going well. liam is a bit more stressed than normal, but i can't work his program for him, so he'll have to find a way through this all himself. thanks for your prayers - please don't stop. and if you could add pink into the mix we'd appreciate it. she's the only one who really doesn't have anything to "do" for this, so she's feeling a bit left out, some survivor guilt and just the plain old emotions of an 11 year old girl. she's the emotional barometer of our home - and lets us know when we need to be communicating better and spending more time together doing less and being present more.

anyway - i don't even know if this is making any sense, but after lunch i think i'm going to do some good self care and take a nap. much love!

the problem with accountability

as i wrote in my previous post about porn & the church i stated that i believe there is a problem regarding the church's love affair with accountability.

i wish i knew when it started. i think it's roots are fairly new and probably cropped up in the 70's. if anyone has any more information on this i would be very interested. but i can't trace where it really came from. was there pop psychology out there that used the term and it found it's way into the church, or did it begin there? i see no evidence of it's roots in scripture. none. no accountable relationships were modeled, no verses to support it. none. how did this concept root it's way into what we today believe is the solution to solve sexual temptation and habitual sin?

i know that some might think that accountability crept into the church through 12 step groups, and it might have - but it could have only happened through a misread of the 12 & 12 - there is really no place in recovery for accountability either. and yet pairs and groups of individuals scattered across north american churches (possibly globally, but i have no experience of this) sincerely hope to bring light and life into the dark corners of the soul through accountability.

i think there is a flaw, actually a couple of flaws, that end up doing more harm and perpetuate the sin cycle far more than even 'going it alone' might.

accountability partners or teams set up a well intentioned group of people - sometimes all struggling with the same issues, sometimes it is a mentor/mentee type of relationship. either way unless they are extraordinary people there is a level of false intimacy established even before any words are spoken. we all long for those people in our lives who can 'know us' and love us still. the relationship begins with great intentions and usually with a first layer of self revelation. this forges the commitment between the parties involved. an "i'll show you mine, if you show me yours" kind of sharing.

unfortunately what happens afterward is that expectations of further intimacy cannot be met, distance happens and people fail. the wounding that occurs is so great it convinces the person who bared their soul that they are unworthy of love and truly being known in community and drives them farther into isolation and their addictions.

this might not always be the case - there truly might be some groups that start with this intention and actually go deeper, get stronger and find healing. but i don't believe that it's because it has it's roots in accountability. i think that intimacy and healing happen in spite of that.

accountability by it's very nature is a law based system. it says 'this is the bar, you will reach it, and if you don't you will have to answer to 'the group'. at it's core it is a power based structure. we are confusing true friendship based in love with an imposed construct based in law. i believe that there are some true friendships that do occur that are labelled accountability groups - and there is the rub - distinguishing the difference to those on the outside is impossible. one based in love, one based in law - only the healing tells the difference.

those who are habitually struggling will rarely come to a monthly (or weekly) appointment to disappoint those in the group over and over again. the thumb of the law will sit squarely between their shoulders and drive their face into their shame. with all of their heart they long to move past this - to be free, to stop disappointing those they love and want to please more than anything. but they must continually come to the meeting - and they are given a choice - be vulnerable and disappoint those who they long to please or live the lie. the failed accountability partner begins to separate body from soul and revert to facing their failure alone. possibly showing up physically still to keep the commitment, but emotionally distant and very isolated.

the false intimacy that comes from the structure of the accountability group works against it's own goal. it's so very close to what we all want that it masquerades long enough to convince us that we're the broken reason that it doesn't work, not that it's broken and it doesn't work. the wounds this creates when the wheels fall off are deeper than we know because we are convinced that community will never really work for us and we withdraw.

accountability says i have the power to overcome this. and if i don't, the power of the whole will help me.

the first step says:

we admitted that we were powerless over our addiction
and that our lives had become unmanageable.

powerless and unmanageable. can you hear the bar clang as it drops to the floor? there is an admission that happens here that rarely makes it's way into accountability groups. this is why people get healthy in 12 step groups. every week, if not daily they admit, over and over that they have tried everything and cannot do it, they are powerless. like the prodigal they come to the end of themselves.

steps two and three is where the decision happens - i can't, god can, so i will let him. i know it sounds too simplistic to work, but it's not. it is the humbling of hearts that can truly break the power of addiction not the legalism of accountability. one brings continual shame, the other grace and light.

an addict is always one who wants to buck against the restraints. YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO! i will decide. me. now. me. accountability, no matter how well intentioned, is really just another restraint. and eventually when the white knuckle addict who has shown some hope of recovery hits a crisis former behavior will raise it's ugly head and the addict will fail. the dog will return to it's vomit. and then the accountability group itself becomes the enemy that must be resisted. addicts have an inherent ability to blame. it is YOUR fault - not mine. YOU didn't meet my expectations and therefore i hold no responsibility for my actions - i couldn't help myself.

many para-church organizations have made great strides in trying to reach out to the sexual addict. ministries like xxxchurch.com and their internet accountability program x3watch are valiant attempts at helping the struggling. but i think they are band-aids on gaping wounds. another truth about the addict is that they have no sense of delayed gratification. the NOW is far more real than the possible future. in their time of need they will not care who they hurt, who sees or who they'll have to apologize to later. they've done it before, they can do it again. i have needs NOW. it's what puts the needle in the arm of the heroine addict. NOW.

an internet filter cannot be installed in the brain. that is where the real problems take place. most addicts have filled their heads with so many images they wouldn't have to watch or look at another image for the rest of their lives. they are seared on the backs of their eyeballs and replay themselves every time they try to pray or sleep. filters are a stop-gap. a band-aid. an addict will have their fix with or witout a filter. accountability is legalism. at it's roots it is inherently flawed.

external pressure for an internal change will never create the kind of healing that can take place when the addict finally decides for themselves that they want wholeness more than they want their addictions. outside pressure will never truly affect permanent, lasting change.

this is why it is confession, not accountability that is the key to healing. i quoted this verse at the end of my post dirty little secrets:

confess your sins one to another,
pray for each other
and you will be healed.
james 5:16

healed. healed. how do we miss this? people are important - confessing in community is where healing happens. we need these strong, lasting relationships if we are ever going to find the healing that god is waiting for us to have.

this is why step four and five are so crucial- the cause of sexual addiction isn't an overwhelming need for sex. it's a need for soothing, a need for control, a need for distraction from the overwhelming problems of life. this is the chosen outlet - other things could be substituted, but this one meets a need because of where the addict was broken.

step 4 - we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

step 5 - we admitted to god, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

THIS IS WHY RECOVERY WORKS!

it removes the shame in our past that drives us to our addictions. this is why healing happens.

isn't this what we all long for ? to know and be known and loved because of it.

i posted this quote by henri nouwen back in february, but i think it fits here so well:

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

Henri Nouwen

ONE WEEK!

feeling much better this morning. survived the boys party and actually had a really good time. whatever they pay children's pastors it isn't enough though. i'd take 500 teenagers over a dozen pre-teen boys! their favorite game was 'musical statues' - not enough room to play musical chairs, so we played musical statues which turned out to be actually more like a dance... the kids went nuts - dance until the music stops and then freeze. a room full of 8-10 year old boys sure think they can dance! pink got to play too and i never imagined what it would do to mom and dad to see her dancing with a room full of boys - yikes! that video will be used for blackmail in a couple of years!

so the girls come tomorrow night and today is filled with the last loads of laundry and packing away the clothing.

pray you all are having a wonderful wednesday!

up with a sick kid tonight

well, by the forth time of having your sleep interrupted by a sick son you know it's going to be a rough night.

the last time he was at the end of my bed weeping unintelligible words. i quieted him and walked him back to his room where he abruptly turns on the light and i can finally understand what he's saying as he flips his blankets in the air 'i need help with my paperwork, help me with my paperwork.'

first grade must be harder than i remembered... he was like a little charlie sheen in the end of wall street, panicked, sweaty and very concerned with paperwork... poor kid.

i used to hallucinate with high fevers all the time when i was little. mine were spiders crawling all over the walls. i'd scream in terror. sobbing is definitely a better way to be awakened from a dead sleep than high pitched shrieks.

needless to say i won't be at church tomorrow (today) and we'll be hanging around home for the duration. hope i can get a nap...