recovery math

denial works until it doesn't

p.s.f.d.*

i am reaping the whirlwind today. i have been walking in new territory this past year and i am finding myself ill prepared for it. this past year i have found myself. i have become comfortable in my own skin and i have navigated many new things. community and friendship have become so important to me. living inside myself has been very new for me and it has opened up a lot of different doors in my life. some good. some not so good. i don't know where they go, but there are definitely a lot of new doors.

writing about this is torture, but i have no place else to navigate this. i want to crawl in a hole and weep. i feel cracked open wide because when denial stops working it leaves a big pile of shit in the room that i feel so unbelievably stupid for not noticing before - and it was right there all along. p.s.f.d.

i am surrounded by really incredible people in this community. i have made some amazing f2f friends. one of those friendships was a cross-gender friendship (cgf). i have been reading dan's faith dance blog for quite some time now and am inspired by the thought that men & women aren't dangerous to each other and can truly develop friendships. so much of my broken comes from ugly male behavior, and so safe men in my life are important and healing.

i had crossed a line emotionally with this man. the husband of one of my best friends. on a scale of other peoples issues this one probably ranks really low, but because i closely monitor my serenity i can feel when it goes off the rails, and i lost it and found that it was because this relationship had become an addiction for me. this is mostly about me. i'm not sure how much this has to do with him per sey, but his dysfunction and my great need do play a role here - but most of it has to do with the rush. that heroin that shoots through my veins with the fresh, new, long ago familiar feelings that i haven't felt in 20 years. p.s.f.d.

all along this friendship i was telling 3 dear friends about all of it and talking to liam the whole time. i know i am only as sick as my secrets and deeply want to live in the light. but i have found that when those secrets are buried deep in denial no light can expose them until the denial goes away.

in an attempt to bring things into the light i had a conversation with this man that actually turned things more intimate than stopped them. i feel like a fool. i told a confidence about a mutual friends marriage struggles as a guise for trying to keep us and another pair of dear friends from falling into the same ditch. i really thought i was doing the right thing - but have to admit that i hid behind that to share something that would bind us together somehow. i exposed one of my best friends deepest shame for my own purposes. these are the ugliest parts of my self. i hate to see them, let alone expose them to others. but i believe that they cannot be redeemed unless i do.

so i had to confess my broken confidence to one of my besties - the woman who had fallen off the rails. i immediately called her to tell her - i had kept her secret for months - why now? why ever? i so longed to be trustworthy. i was so angry at myself for breaking faith. it was one of the hardest conversations i have ever had.

next i told liam. he was forgiving. (but too forgiving. a bell went off in my head. this should be bothering him more. he's not getting this. it's not registering. why isn't this registering? why isn't he angry?).

i also IM'd with martha and she called me on the carpet. let me know that i was kidding myself. i truly thought before that that bringing things into the light would keep things from going south. i really did.

after our IM i realized i wasn't being honest. that it wasn't just this ONE conversation, but that i had become emotionally attached to this man. p.s.f.d. it had become an addiction. the rush of the attention. feeling noticed. talking about big ideas and deep theology. p.s.f.d. every one of my hooks was sunk deep into this rotting fish (the addiction, not him - although he is not innocent in this either).

i have tried to do everything in the light and be as accountable as possible. but my dear friend martha told it to me straight yesterday. just because it's accountable doesn't mean it should continue. p.s.f.d.

so today, just for today i am grieving the loss of a really important friendship. a friendship that really did heal some deep places in me. it taught me that i was trustworthy. that the hay/fire didn't have to explode into deep passionate sin. for most of this it wasn't taudry or innappropriate. but i have crossed a line emotionally.

i had a conversation with liam this morning challenging his well constructed front. i pushed and it crumbled. he told me that he's been uncomfortable all along, but hasn't told me. how can this be so broken? i have talked to him about this from the beginning hoping that if i did it would strengthen our marriage and keep the cgf healthy. i was wrong. his denial sat right next to mine. p.s.f.d.

so where do we go from here? i have no idea. i am just doing the next right thing. just for today i can face this. i can try to sit with the level of emotion i have and this great big steaming pile of denial and begin to detox and find healthier ways to feed this starving part of my soul. liam is doing good work. i know at some point we will find a way in and through this, but for now my hope is hanging by a very thin thread.

*abbreviation for four cuss words to express the deep level of frustration and disgust i am having over this situation.

a religion of denial

preacher man nails it tight here:

a religion of denial

healthy, unwealthy & hopefully wise

just returned from the doctor today. everything looks good. yipee! i had let the test results sit for a bit at the office before i scheduled my appointment. i'm not sure why - i think i was a bit afraid. my cholesterol and blood sugar probably had me a bit freaked out - i'm not the most 'in shape' woman - so it would follow that those two areas could be problem areas for me. my numbers for both were VERY GOOD according to my doctor. it was a very encouraging visit. i really like her. it's a good thing because she's the only dr. taking patients in our area. her manner is so good for me, unlike the doctor i put up with for the past five years in pennsylvania. i'm angry at myself for having done that. she was insulting and lacked so much initiative. going to see her was like going to see that 'debbie downer' character off of SNL.

and now to the 'unwealthy' part... things got complicated financially for us - too many bank accounts open and just too much information. i got overwhelmed about a month ago and i shut down. i am ashamed to admit it -i just set it all aside and pretended. one of our old PA accounts needed attention, and i didn't give it, and i also didn't think to alert liam, because my denial was so big. i kept saying 'we really need to take a day and look at our finances' - and when he would suggest beach combing, or working around the house i readily agreed, again, avoiding the finances. well, yesterday we cleaned up the mess i (we) made - i say "i" because it has always been part of my 'portfolio' previously - i really resented that. liam didn't have to think or concern himself with any of our bills or accounts. i handled it. and up before it got complicated i did a REALLY good job. when it got overwhelming i just shut down.

i can't put words to how less full my head and conscience feels today with all of that handled. i blogged here about how keeping on top of our finances was a big indicator of my recovery well-being. i hadn't realized how much it affects my mental health and well being too. it literally was a monkey on my back. i am sad that i had forgotten the power being on top of our finances gives me - and how debilitating having our finances 'on top' of me is. lesson learned... now hopefully it can also be remembered.

i head tomorrow for my mammogram - it will also feel amazing to have that behind me too!

maybe clear heads and consciences will make way for much more serenity and wholeness.

here's a good quote from bonhoeffer i stumbled across regarding wisdom:

To understand reality is not the same as to know about outward events. It is to perceive the essential nature of things. The best-informed man is not necessarily the wisest. Indeed there is a danger that precisely in the multiplicity of his knowledge he will lose sight of what is essential. But on the other hand, knowledge of an apparently trivial detail quite often makes it possible to see into the depth of things. And so the wise man will seek to acquire the best possible knowledge about events, but always without becoming dependent upon this knowledge. To recognize the significant in the factual is wisdom.

may we all be wise in the significant depth of things and reality!

pci - personal craziness index

i was reading at deb's abiding blog and she mentioned that she was in a bit of a dry spell and asked people to leave questions to inspire her blogging. i too LOVE questions - they give me a reason to dig deeper. i have been pretty surface lately. content to just sit in the peace after so much tumult this past year. i don't think it's denial, but it definitely isn't effort either.
one of the questions i left for deb was 'do you have any good tools that help you identify 'red flags' to let you know if you're nearing a danger zone in your recovery?" (or something like that?) i thought that would be a good question for me as the tool i use has the THE MOST HELPFUL for me to keep my recovery stabilized and balanced.

it is taken from my guru - patrick carnes - a gentle path through the 12 steps (AGPTT12S)- it truly was the book that changed my life. and this tool he developed is the 'red flag' that keeps me from careening back into my addictions. it's called a "personal craziness index" or PCI (the people who use it call it "picky").

i hope i'm not interfering in any copyright territory - i made the graphic myself (without any help from liam, the graphics master. i'm so very proud of me!) and i'm giving full credit to carnes - AGPTT12S, pgs. 212-223.

he says on pg. 212:

"The Twelve Steps will help you learn the necessary skills, but you also need to develop a lifestyle that builds up reserves of strength and endurance.

Think of your life as having an addiction "set point" - the point at which the imbalance leaves you vulnerable to addiction, when you are too stressed or overextended to maintain your recovery.

By developing a sense of what your own personal set point is, you can be alert to maintaining the balance that makes you less vulnerable to the "friends" of your addict. The PCI on page 214 will help you develop some criteria for recognizing when you have passed that point of sanity and are at risk. The PCI thus can become a set of "training" guidelines under which you train for anticipated stress. In addition, by keeping track of your own PCI for a period of time, you will get better and better at maintaining lifestyle balance and having some fun."

there are then three parts to establishing your own PCI - preparation, recording/charting your pci, maintaining/tuning your pci. the book is set up in workbook style, so you fill in the blanks as you read (GO BUY THE BOOK! really, it will change your life!)

preparation tracks 10 areas of your life and personal behavior that could have danger signs or warnings that you are close to the edge. he writes:

"Addicts and coaddicts are particularly vulnerable to the "insanity" of loss of reality from having neglected the basics. "Keep it simple" and "a day at time" are not shopworn cliches, but guidelines borne out by the experience of many recovery people. The PCI helps you to remember what you need to do each day. It helps you establish good recovery habits. Without a structured process to keep you on track, "cunning and baffling," self-destructive behavior patterns will return. You'll also find the PCI helpful during periods of stress and vulnerability."

the 10 areas are:

1. Physical Health
2. Transportation
3. Environment
4. Work
5. Interests
6. Social Life
7. Family/Significant Others
8. Finances
9. Spiritual Life and Personal Reflection
10. Other Addictions or Symptom Behaviors

each person is asked to list 3-4 things in each area that are signs of danger. an example i can give from my own PCI preparation would be:

3. Environment - To not have time to do your personal chores is a comment on the order of your life. Consider the home in which plans go unwatered, fish go unfed, grocery supplies depleted, laundry not done or put away, cleaning neglected, dishes unwashed. What are ways in which you neglect your home or living space?
-beds unmade
-dirty dishes on the counter
-laundry not put away

for each of those areas i have listed similar, embarrassing, honest answers. identifying my danger zones allows me to identify when life is getting out of control.

after those 10 areas are listed carnes provides charts to track your behavior - you choose 7 of the 30 that are the highest indicators that life is getting out of control. my seven are:

1. bad hygiene
2. avoidance of the telephone
3. avoidance of finances, balancing checkbook/paying bills
4. critical of others
5. no ordered quiet time
6. dishes piled up
7. pushing responsibilities on liam so i can stay home/isolation
   

i personally wasn't great at the charting and actually writing those things down - i just personally remember the 7 things - i have them tattooed on my brain. when i walk in that kitchen and see the dishes piled up i know doing them will help me maintain my sobriety. i know when i'm spending and not keeping good accounts i'm entering a danger zone. i know that when i don't sit at the side of my bed each night and read the next portion of 'the message' before bed i WILL slide back into my addiction (i have been able to maintain this now for over five years!).

this tool, like NO other has given me the red flags i need to check myself and avoid the craziness that drives me back into my addictions. when i maintain them i am able to keep my reserves charged up.

i have no idea if i've left parts of this out or if it makes sense to someone who hasn't read any of carnes. this is definitely not something you begin your recovery with - it is a maintenance tool. if you're actively working the steps it will help you to maintain your sobriety. my guide gave me this out of sequence (because of her love for it) early on in my journey and it made no sense at all to me. i was offended at the "crazy" term used in the name and bristled at all of the work involved. when the timing was right though it has become the 'level' in my toolbox of recovery tools.

please - ask questions - i will edit this if it doesn't make sense - and like i said above - GO BUY THE BOOK!! patrick carnes is a fellow addict - this really works.

you can find some of his great resources here.

denial is very under-rated you know...

while making supper last night the phone rings. liam hands it to me and i hear 'denial is very under-rated you know.' it's my anj. yay. little else in this world cheers me like a phone call from her. we talk, laugh, share and update each other on life. it's a good thing. she reassures me that the 'bubble' i've been living in isn't always a sign of mental illness (ha!) sometimes it's really a gift. i guess i've been living that gift for the past couple of months.

maybe it's unhealthy, maybe it's sanity - i'm not sure. i just face 'today' for what it's worth. plan for tomorrow, but not stress about it. just for today. i know though that bubble can be very dangerous for me though. life here has become pretty isolated. i keep telling myself it's part of the withdrawing from 'here' so that we can move 'there'. i'm not 'cut off', just not seeking interactions, i say... dangerous ground for my family history.

my mother, and her's before her were both very isolating. both homebodies. most people didn't see it as closely in my mother because she was so sick during the end of her short life. but looking back i can see it. both she and her mother spent much time in darkened rooms, smoking cigarettes in silence, keeping the world at arms length. alone with their thoughts. i often wonder what did they occupy their minds with all of those years. what were they thinking about? my guess is the past, because the future for both of them was so very limited.

i also need to acknowledge that bubble has come between my soul and god. and it's getting more resilient as time passes. it takes a lot to bring me back in touch with it, and with god. the things that used to move me seem tasteless and distant somehow. i can't see where i lost the thread. where it began. how i got here.

i know i'm probably angry at god. i'm not sure why, or for what. probably that familiar tune that goes something like 'hey god, we're serving you, couldn't you at least make a place for us? it's not like we're living for ourselves here, would it take any skin off your nose to make it a little easier? why does it have to be so hard?'... ugly words like that. those kind of things always bring me great shame. so avoidance makes it easier to get through the day i guess.

it's only when i read deep experiences and soulful struggles by fellow bloggers like deb, renee and bob lately that have been able to pierce through this membrane that has cut off my soul. writings like these have pastored me through the past couple of months. shepherd my soul, my dry thirsty soul. the stark occurrence of winter here has shaken the leaves off the trees and exposed how empty the wasteland i'm living in really is. everything feels so grey and lifeless as i look out the window. i miss the color, i miss the cover. i miss the ability to hide, to isolate, to be so busy that no one realizes (least of all me) how absent i am from my soul.

anj gave me such a gift last night on the phone. she told me how something i had said or written came back to her when she needed it. it also came back to me - just when i needed it too. thank you anj. so maybe the tool of denial which was working for me for a couple of months can be set aside now without heading into the chaos of worry and anxiety - but into reality and facing the truth. the cover has fallen and the starkness of winter makes things easier to find.

forgetting what is behind

okay, i'm wrestling with a verse and i need your wisdom please. our sp preached on phil. 3:12-14 this week and i think he got it all wrong (imnsho...)

as one addicted to redemption as i am i believe that the past is the fertile ground in which our stories take place. forgetting the past would be like the tree forgetting where it's roots lie, right? i'm really frustrated by this mentality that past mistakes are to be forgotten, never look back, blah de blah de blah...

again, imnsho, i think paul is talking about leaving the pharisee life behind. setting aside the bling and the credentials of his old place in life to do the sweaty work of making tents for bedouins, leaving behind the cushy life for the hard call of christ. am i wrong?

any greek scholars (susie?) to help me with the original language here - and i don't want to know 'how it's usually translated' - i think that's where a lot of the problems we have in the church come from - no one challenging the 'usual way'. help me twist this up please - help me come at it from a new fresh, 2 edged sword way - living and active. because the sp's theology of this verse leaves me cold, makes god a sadist in my eyes and it looks a heck of a lot like denial to me...

going underground

one of the things about the 'onion' of recovery and dealing with our pasts is that the pain and memories sometimes become so great and overwhelming that we choose to stop the process. it's a little disappearing act we play with ourselves and it seems so innocent at first. my self talk goes something like this... 'this is too hard, i just need a break, one week won't hurt... i'm so busy anyway... they don't really understand me anyway...' you get the picture. whether i'm avoiding my recovery group or my therapist the whole point is because i've gotten too close to the issue/memory/cause and it's terrified me.

quick fixes are also tempting. miracle pills, wonder drugs, surgeries or cold turkey, white knuckle abstinence all look more attractive than the work of truly getting to the real pain, uncovering the skeletons in the closet or exposing the family secret. allegiance to the code can sometimes become so ingrained in our psyches that we don't even realize how programmed we are.

liam and i were talking on our walk the other day and he said 'your mom would have loved recovery' or something like that. i started to think about it and realized that i have been freed from much of the family bondage because she died so early. she probably would have come around, but it would have been through much kicking and screaming. her early death in my life, while painful, did free me from her influence and secret keeping.

she and her siblings are masters of it. it used to be my goal to expose that family secret, to root it out and shout it from the roof tops. my mother's older sister, and her younger brother are still alive and tortured by the secrets - but they are the vault. we moved pretty close to my aunt, and things were going well for a year or two, until i started asking questions. it was like she and her daughters went on red alert. the signal went out and they truly have created a wall of silence. the shame is too great.

i finally realized that i didn't need 'the secret' to recover. they did, i didn't. i was able to deal with the truth i had been given and allow the rest to be, and die with them if necessary. but i see the damage it reeks in their lives. the physical manifestations of a life that has decided to say no to recovery.

at group a couple weeks ago we talked about denial, and how truly easy it is to convince ourselves that something true is actually not. the woman giving the talk then went on to explain that denial left unchecked turned mercilessly into delusion. living a life where the truth becomes a lie and life becomes a charade.

this is most tempting when the truth isn't our own, but the truth of one we love. codependent denial seeks to protect, even the dead. when in truth it looks more like shame and slow burning hatred and resentment. if you loved me you wouldn't force me to bear your secrets. one of my best friend's here is slowing creeping out of that tunnel of delusion. she is very close to understanding her mother's addiction to prescription pain medication. watching someone you love deal with pain is truly horrible. but where does the emotional pain start and the physical pain stop? that line is so blurry that denial and delusion seem to be our only line of defense.

this was the state were my mother (and aunt and uncle) lived. my mother-in-law 'visits' frequently. she's in her late 60's and has just finally admitted to me that her beloved father was 'probably' an alcoholic. this is about a man in ireland who heated shoe polish to drink it because they were so poor. 'probably'. it's like that monty python song 'always look on the bright side of life'... this is what delusion looks like.

i have met a couple, i don't know them well, but they shared at group that they both were compulsive overeaters who were at their top range over 400 lbs. each had gastric bypass and look like anyone else you'd pass on the street today. the next words they shared terrified me. they spoke of this past year of how now because they didn't deal with the roots of the problem that got them there they had both been secretly drinking. food could no longer be a comfort because of the surgery. but alcohol wasn't painful for their new stomachs to digest. it had only been recently that they admitted their alcoholism to each other and are now seeking help.

i don't know exactly what david was talking about here in psalm 22 , but i have my suspicions. his secrets and lies had caught up with him, his sins and his disobedience were taking a physical toll on his body.

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels. My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death.

i have to keep telling myself that going underground is going backwards. father, please keep me from walking away in denial. help me to own my secrets, face the truth, even when it's horribly ugly and take things one day at a time.