"The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community, the better for both. A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattered, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. Sooner or later it will collapse. Every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of a community more that the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial." Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
i realized the other day this is truly what i am grieving - the death of THE wish dream, yes, the death of my own wish dreams, but the fact that ALL wish dreams must die... i just can't seem to stomach a world or a church, or a community where it's all just the nitty, gritty of life - and no hope for something grand, something whole, something that changes everything. i know that my wish dream of community, that group that met weekly needed to die, it was unhealthy and could have even become an idol of sorts, it makes me sad, but i can grieve that and move on. it's the death of the large hope, the big, glorious picture that i just can't seem to be able to stomach...
i realized also that this coincided with the death of my calling. i know that the two were linked somehow. i feel adrift, purposeless. as discouraged as i was after leaving bible college, being told that the fields were ripe for harvest and liam and i banging our heads on the door of every ministry we could find over and over and over again, a whole decade of disappointment and rejection.
i had such big dreams, such high hopes, so MANY ideas... but as DB says, better to be shattered, to be disillusioned, because god forbid, community couldn't bear it... but i don't know why. this echos the cry of my heart from yesterday - why isn't god big enough for this? why couldn't he dream bigger NOW, yeah, i get it, kingdom come... blah, blah, blah... but my wish dream was real and was going to feed people, and teach them better, healthier ways to be in THIS world, right NOW. so instead i collapse instead of community. okay, you win.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
miles and miles have passed
i can't even remember the last time i have sat down to really blog. life has become so full, in a good way, but it has kept me from this thing that i love called blogging. i was emailing with erin (biscotti brain) and told her that in the last 24 hours i feel like i've given birth to myself.
on friday i found out that the university i attend was looking for a kind of dean of students/chaplain position and both liam and a good friend encouraged me to apply. i know they have some internal people applying for the job, and they will most likely have a much better chance, but i knew that my gifts were a good fit for this position and that the process would be helpful for me. i realized also that i have not done a resume for myself in 20 years! 20 years! i have not been paid to work (except casually for projects) in since i had kids and our daughter just turned 13. previous to that i worked for the same employer for 6 years. needless to say it was an effort to turn all of the volunteer work i have done into a career.
some good friends held space for me and challenged me and gave me the much needed push to put this together and yesterday i faxed it off to the president of the school and felt a mental exhaustion very similar to the physical exhaustion i had after giving birth to my kids. i know that this was part of the "thrive" process and i think that april 20th, 2009 was a birthing day for me.
yesterday we put in an offer on the home of our dreams (needs lots of work, so there might be a few nightmares before the actual dreaminess happens), applied for a mortgage and i applied for TWO jobs! after i sent off the resume i was blog reading and one of the gadget blogs i read is looking for an editor. i could do that job for free (don't tell them) because i would enjoy it so much, and even sending off the email was fun. don't know if any or all of these doors will open, but being willing to risk was so important.
the house we had been waiting for (it was a bankruptcy of a failed flip by one of our good friends) finally went on the market last week, but i couldn't move forward on it because i truly believed in my heart that i did not deserve to live in such a grand home. one of my best friends here was furious with me for thinking that way. when we went to move forward we found out that there was an accepted offer already on the house. i was crestfallen. i tought it was another couple from our church who i knew was looking too. i was at least happy that we were going to "keep it in the family". our broker though encouraged us to still bring our carpenter on site and put a bid together in case it fell through.
while standing across the street with my broker and carpenter a van drove up and a woman got out. turned out she was the lady who had the offer in - and she is a known quantity in the community. i was upset that it was not my friends who"won". i had met her casually years previous at her garage sale where she proceeded to tell me (a complete stranger) about her husband's nervous breakdown. i know if i skeedaddled she would give way more information to "my guys" there after i left.
i spoke with my broker later and he said that she (unasked) gave the information that she was having trouble with funding - so he said GET DOWN HERE MONDAY A.M. and we'll put the offer in... we did and while there may be others that offer that we know nothing about we have most likely the least unemcumbered offer of the bunch. we probably won't hear until later in the week as banks are very slow moving (as we know from waiting about 8 months for them to get the house on the market).
i realized after my friend was so furious with me that i had stopped reaching. stopped hoping. i had thought that contentment meant "making do" - and while there is something healthy in that, there can be a lot of broken too. i was content, and i was not "hope-less", but i was not hoping any more. i was not reaching. i was living in fear of disappointment. i told erin that in the 12 hours following i realized that i truly was strong enough to hope again. i was strong enough to have what i dreamed of, and strong enough to bear the disappointment of not getting what i was reaching for - but that it was the reaching that was the important part. so i have begun dreaming again.
so yesterday i felt like i grew up, stretched out my arms and said HERE I AM. as i finished my journal writing last night i wrote with a smile "I'm thriving! I'm thriving!" we'll possibly see how thriving and disappointment can go hand in hand next week... sigh. no risk, no chance, no hope. i want to live with hope, and i am strong enough to be disappointed.
on friday i found out that the university i attend was looking for a kind of dean of students/chaplain position and both liam and a good friend encouraged me to apply. i know they have some internal people applying for the job, and they will most likely have a much better chance, but i knew that my gifts were a good fit for this position and that the process would be helpful for me. i realized also that i have not done a resume for myself in 20 years! 20 years! i have not been paid to work (except casually for projects) in since i had kids and our daughter just turned 13. previous to that i worked for the same employer for 6 years. needless to say it was an effort to turn all of the volunteer work i have done into a career.
some good friends held space for me and challenged me and gave me the much needed push to put this together and yesterday i faxed it off to the president of the school and felt a mental exhaustion very similar to the physical exhaustion i had after giving birth to my kids. i know that this was part of the "thrive" process and i think that april 20th, 2009 was a birthing day for me.
yesterday we put in an offer on the home of our dreams (needs lots of work, so there might be a few nightmares before the actual dreaminess happens), applied for a mortgage and i applied for TWO jobs! after i sent off the resume i was blog reading and one of the gadget blogs i read is looking for an editor. i could do that job for free (don't tell them) because i would enjoy it so much, and even sending off the email was fun. don't know if any or all of these doors will open, but being willing to risk was so important.
the house we had been waiting for (it was a bankruptcy of a failed flip by one of our good friends) finally went on the market last week, but i couldn't move forward on it because i truly believed in my heart that i did not deserve to live in such a grand home. one of my best friends here was furious with me for thinking that way. when we went to move forward we found out that there was an accepted offer already on the house. i was crestfallen. i tought it was another couple from our church who i knew was looking too. i was at least happy that we were going to "keep it in the family". our broker though encouraged us to still bring our carpenter on site and put a bid together in case it fell through.
while standing across the street with my broker and carpenter a van drove up and a woman got out. turned out she was the lady who had the offer in - and she is a known quantity in the community. i was upset that it was not my friends who"won". i had met her casually years previous at her garage sale where she proceeded to tell me (a complete stranger) about her husband's nervous breakdown. i know if i skeedaddled she would give way more information to "my guys" there after i left.
i spoke with my broker later and he said that she (unasked) gave the information that she was having trouble with funding - so he said GET DOWN HERE MONDAY A.M. and we'll put the offer in... we did and while there may be others that offer that we know nothing about we have most likely the least unemcumbered offer of the bunch. we probably won't hear until later in the week as banks are very slow moving (as we know from waiting about 8 months for them to get the house on the market).
i realized after my friend was so furious with me that i had stopped reaching. stopped hoping. i had thought that contentment meant "making do" - and while there is something healthy in that, there can be a lot of broken too. i was content, and i was not "hope-less", but i was not hoping any more. i was not reaching. i was living in fear of disappointment. i told erin that in the 12 hours following i realized that i truly was strong enough to hope again. i was strong enough to have what i dreamed of, and strong enough to bear the disappointment of not getting what i was reaching for - but that it was the reaching that was the important part. so i have begun dreaming again.
so yesterday i felt like i grew up, stretched out my arms and said HERE I AM. as i finished my journal writing last night i wrote with a smile "I'm thriving! I'm thriving!" we'll possibly see how thriving and disappointment can go hand in hand next week... sigh. no risk, no chance, no hope. i want to live with hope, and i am strong enough to be disappointed.
Friday, December 12, 2008
hope deferred
this verse is running through my head this morning:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
i am heartsick. liam's reassurances the other day truly caused hope to blossom in my life. he told me that W (how i'm going to refer to the therapist, i think his presence will play a big role in my blogging over the next few months, and i can't keep calling him "the therapist"...) had assigned him some remedial connection time with me. fool that i am i believed that he might actually be serious in following through with it. it was just a connection time each night (well, i thought it was supposed to be each night, he said he never said that - it was only supposed to be a couple of times, but it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened once), hold my hands, look into my eyes and do something simple together like the daily examen or something like that.
that was like an oasis in the distance to my dry, parched soul. i am so angry at myself for really believing he would do it, try it, attempt it, at least once.
every night after dinner i waited, anxious, hopeful, passive. i knew it wasn't my work to do, so most nights i retreated to our room to work on my own step work (resentments.. ironic how this is pairing with this phase in his recovery, it's bringing such pain and anger to the surface for me) so that i am not tempted to work his program, but do my own. i ended up crushed, wounded and defeated. i tried to be patient, wait and interact like a grown up. i even expressed my feelings on a walk to our kids christmas party the other night, hoping that might engage him in the process again. i figured that his own shame in having to face W today would at least motivate him to give it a try. last night he didn't even attempt it. plopped himself down in front of that damn television while i read in our room. alone. again. naturally.
last night was my meeting night. i knew that two of the faithfuls had a work christmas party, but hoped that others might show up. we had six last week. nope. last night i was alone. again. naturally.
i set up everything. everything. i laid out the literature, even though i knew no one would show. i surrounded the table with chairs i knew would sit empty. i read aloud to an empty room because i was there. i showed up. i needed that meeting last night like i needed the air in my lungs right now. i read step 12 out of the oa 12&12 - it was beautiful. it reminded me again why each and every one of those steps i am working on are so important in my life. i managed to fill 30 minutes. i just couldn't sit alone there for 30 more. so i carefully put everything back, locked up the church and took a walk for 30 minutes in the freezing rain. i was warm enough and my hood kept the moisture off me. and i enjoyed all of the beauty of the christmas lights and the hideousness of those horrible inflate-a-mate lawn decorations. i must say they are as obscene to me as the idea of a blow up doll replacing a live human female. but last night even they were comforting in some strange, small town way.
but today i am heartsick. shaming myself for believing him. angry at myself for getting my hopes up. how i long for that tree of life. i will not fall for counterfeit fruit though. by working the steps i know that i'm willing to wait for the real thing.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
i am heartsick. liam's reassurances the other day truly caused hope to blossom in my life. he told me that W (how i'm going to refer to the therapist, i think his presence will play a big role in my blogging over the next few months, and i can't keep calling him "the therapist"...) had assigned him some remedial connection time with me. fool that i am i believed that he might actually be serious in following through with it. it was just a connection time each night (well, i thought it was supposed to be each night, he said he never said that - it was only supposed to be a couple of times, but it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened once), hold my hands, look into my eyes and do something simple together like the daily examen or something like that.
that was like an oasis in the distance to my dry, parched soul. i am so angry at myself for really believing he would do it, try it, attempt it, at least once.
every night after dinner i waited, anxious, hopeful, passive. i knew it wasn't my work to do, so most nights i retreated to our room to work on my own step work (resentments.. ironic how this is pairing with this phase in his recovery, it's bringing such pain and anger to the surface for me) so that i am not tempted to work his program, but do my own. i ended up crushed, wounded and defeated. i tried to be patient, wait and interact like a grown up. i even expressed my feelings on a walk to our kids christmas party the other night, hoping that might engage him in the process again. i figured that his own shame in having to face W today would at least motivate him to give it a try. last night he didn't even attempt it. plopped himself down in front of that damn television while i read in our room. alone. again. naturally.
last night was my meeting night. i knew that two of the faithfuls had a work christmas party, but hoped that others might show up. we had six last week. nope. last night i was alone. again. naturally.
i set up everything. everything. i laid out the literature, even though i knew no one would show. i surrounded the table with chairs i knew would sit empty. i read aloud to an empty room because i was there. i showed up. i needed that meeting last night like i needed the air in my lungs right now. i read step 12 out of the oa 12&12 - it was beautiful. it reminded me again why each and every one of those steps i am working on are so important in my life. i managed to fill 30 minutes. i just couldn't sit alone there for 30 more. so i carefully put everything back, locked up the church and took a walk for 30 minutes in the freezing rain. i was warm enough and my hood kept the moisture off me. and i enjoyed all of the beauty of the christmas lights and the hideousness of those horrible inflate-a-mate lawn decorations. i must say they are as obscene to me as the idea of a blow up doll replacing a live human female. but last night even they were comforting in some strange, small town way.
but today i am heartsick. shaming myself for believing him. angry at myself for getting my hopes up. how i long for that tree of life. i will not fall for counterfeit fruit though. by working the steps i know that i'm willing to wait for the real thing.
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