Tuesday, April 03, 2012

day 36 - chilling

hard a horrible night last night - chills like i haven't had in months.  there was nothing i could do to get warm.  i knew it was coming, i was prepared to shake it - 3 layers of clothes, heating pad, little heater next to my bed, 2 pr. socks, 1 pair gloves, 4 blankets - nothing worked.  i shook and shivered through most of the night.  i don't know why it happens.  no one does.  it's like a gong goes off in my core and i can feel it radiate out through my body.  it is cold, like ice and it just threads itself out through my innermost being.  the outside of me doesn't matter, it will just keep going until it's done.

when it breaks i am pouring with sweat and exhausted, and then if the first wave isn't over the chill that comes from being soaked from the sweats brings the second wave.  nothing can stop it.

i awaken stiff, exhausted, disoriented and probably dehydrated.

it's really scary and i would love for it to end.  would love to know why it starts.  would love to understand what exactly is happening in my body, it's cause, it's name or it's cure.

doctors don't seem to believe the severity of my struggle, what's a little cold? liam calls them seizures - they are so debilitating - and unfortunately don't only happen in winter.  i don't remember getting a chill yesterday, but it must have happened.  many times i can track it, but last night it came on like a storm.  hopefully it's out of my system and will leave me alone tonight, i could really use a good sleep.

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