one of the greatest hurdles i have had to overcome in the theology of my past is the silent god theology. looking back i can see how it caused so much devastation in my soul. it is insane to think that this teaching can survive the test of the very scriptures they claim to take so literally. "my sheep hear my voice and they know me" - i can remember feeling deep within my heart that i longed to live in a time when god wasn't silent and that he must have loved those in bible times more deeply and dearly than this time because he talked with them.
it was also the time when i began to feel crazy. there were times when i knew i heard god's voice. times i fought the fears of the voice in my head and the diametrically opposed experience i was having to "the truth". many would chuck the teaching they received in church and follow the truth of the voice. i was so trained not to trust myself that i just couldn't. i blamed myself. i was the broken one. i was crazy.
psalm 23 and john 10 are working deeply in my soul right now, weaving together to replace the lies with the truth. i have blogged, journaled and written about this before - but it feels like a second pass, that my theology is being re-formed (gosh i hate that calvin got to co-opt that word!) and allowing the division i have always felt between my spiritual life and my physical life to rejoin and find healing together.
i have searched my blog for the psalm 23 i re-wrote for me personally years ago that idelette encouraged us all to write. mine was violent, angry and jagged. but so honest and expressive of where i was at that time. i am going to search again for it, through my journals so that i can see how far i've come. i think that one of the reasons that psalm 23 never resonated with me before was because i truly never felt like one of those beloved sheep. the voice and the sheep are intricately tied together. only those who can hear the shepherd's voice are those who feel like a part of the fold. i think i deeply resented that others (in biblical times, i brushed off any contemporary christians who "heard god's voice" as being delusional and skitzo and far too big for their britches, because really, who did they think they were that god would talk to them? sigh...) got to hear god's voice and i didn't.
i have been free from that ugly theology for years now, but i still hadn't allowed it to infiltrate into my reading of the bible. for too many years the bible was all i had, and it left me cold most of the time. i spent 4 years of my life devoted to learning how to rightly divide the word of truth, but all that did was make me a self-righteous know it all. i have spent the past couple of years in the gospels and finally the two are coming together - and both are healing the dry, broken places those heresies left behind.
the sacredness of many of the parts of the bible are returning to me. it has been a long, slow journey and at it's start i couldn't even imagine that it would bring it back to me. i am surprised and pleased. it's not all there and i don't know if it ever will return. i still have deep difficulties with so many parts of scripture (i even despise that word, it sounds so fundamental to my ears) - but those red letters are coming back to life for me. breathing new life into these parched places.
i am finding that my soul, my mind and my body can be friends again. it's slow, sometimes painful work, but so worth it. especially when i take a glance over my shoulder and see how very far i've come.
Showing posts with label redemption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label redemption. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
frailty
i don't do 'frail' well. i can own my weaknesses and moral failings, but the idea of being thought weak and frail rubs against everything within me. yet i do know that in many ways i am frail. i have stress points in the frame of my soul that when pressed cause me to crumble.
i am not a medically trained person, but i did hear somewhere that when a bone breaks the healing process makes the area of the break stronger. i think that happens too in the healing of the soul. there are areas of my soul that have been wounded. they are healing and strength returns with each step. but if these areas are used by other people or myself to recall shame or wound me, i crumble.
the best thing about being addicted to redemption is that those weaknesses, as i turn them over, are healed and redeemed, and then used to glorify THEM in wonderful and surprising ways.
something incredible is happening here at our church. it started with liam's sermon a couple of weeks ago. he owned his weaknesses in front of the congregation and they responded, oh how they responded. we are still hearing amazing things about how that touched lives.
the most frustrating thing about serving here has been the 'perfection image' that the senior pastor and some of the leadership felt they had to project. it runs counter to everything i believe and hold true. i felt as if i was diametrically different to everything they held up as 'fit for service'. it has been incredibly frustrating and disheartening to keep going and to hold fast to the things i know to be true. all the while being held away from the ability to use my weaknesses and strengths in active ministry outside of the youth program.
it got to the place where real resentment, anger and loathing were building to the point of causing bitterness. i knew that the only way to stop this was to begin to pray for them. to come before god and pray. the problem was that i was unable to honestly pray for anything life giving because of this bitterness.
so the only honest prayer i could pray was 'crack the door lord, i don't know any other way to pray, just please crack the door.'
i told liam this morning that it was really a pretty faithless prayer - it was almost a challenge to god - "they'll never be real, but somehow, some way help them to find that they don't have to project perfection to minister".
sunday was the first signs of the crack in the door. i think the pastor came home from his mission trip and was flooded with responses to liam's and the other staff's sermons - they were grace filled and honest. i think he saw the tide shifting and realized that it was moving without him. it's baby steps, but that's what a crack is isn't it? that's where it has to start. that's where the LIGHT gets in. i'm still skeptical, but very encouraged.
my new prayer is 'open the door lord, heck, take it off it's hinges...' that's a prayer i'm praying in my life too.
last night at recovery i heard from my friend who was giving the lead that the senior pastor snuck in and was standing at the back corner of the room. there is nothing else in the world that i want more than for all of us to be on the same page, not my page, but god's page. nothing more. it has been my heart's desire since we arrived. my constant hope and prayer. i constantly was questioning 'why are we here god? why am i here?'
tears are falling as i write this because i know now that god did hear that faithless prayer, and it's THEIR heart for the leadership and our church to own their frailty so THEY can be glorified.
liam read this quote this morning:
i look at the momentum of an avalanche, or the incredible power of a blizzard - our frailties individually are easily used to melt away at us. but together we can affect great change.
dear god, would that it could be so today.
i am not a medically trained person, but i did hear somewhere that when a bone breaks the healing process makes the area of the break stronger. i think that happens too in the healing of the soul. there are areas of my soul that have been wounded. they are healing and strength returns with each step. but if these areas are used by other people or myself to recall shame or wound me, i crumble.
the best thing about being addicted to redemption is that those weaknesses, as i turn them over, are healed and redeemed, and then used to glorify THEM in wonderful and surprising ways.
something incredible is happening here at our church. it started with liam's sermon a couple of weeks ago. he owned his weaknesses in front of the congregation and they responded, oh how they responded. we are still hearing amazing things about how that touched lives.
the most frustrating thing about serving here has been the 'perfection image' that the senior pastor and some of the leadership felt they had to project. it runs counter to everything i believe and hold true. i felt as if i was diametrically different to everything they held up as 'fit for service'. it has been incredibly frustrating and disheartening to keep going and to hold fast to the things i know to be true. all the while being held away from the ability to use my weaknesses and strengths in active ministry outside of the youth program.
it got to the place where real resentment, anger and loathing were building to the point of causing bitterness. i knew that the only way to stop this was to begin to pray for them. to come before god and pray. the problem was that i was unable to honestly pray for anything life giving because of this bitterness.
so the only honest prayer i could pray was 'crack the door lord, i don't know any other way to pray, just please crack the door.'
i told liam this morning that it was really a pretty faithless prayer - it was almost a challenge to god - "they'll never be real, but somehow, some way help them to find that they don't have to project perfection to minister".
sunday was the first signs of the crack in the door. i think the pastor came home from his mission trip and was flooded with responses to liam's and the other staff's sermons - they were grace filled and honest. i think he saw the tide shifting and realized that it was moving without him. it's baby steps, but that's what a crack is isn't it? that's where it has to start. that's where the LIGHT gets in. i'm still skeptical, but very encouraged.
my new prayer is 'open the door lord, heck, take it off it's hinges...' that's a prayer i'm praying in my life too.
last night at recovery i heard from my friend who was giving the lead that the senior pastor snuck in and was standing at the back corner of the room. there is nothing else in the world that i want more than for all of us to be on the same page, not my page, but god's page. nothing more. it has been my heart's desire since we arrived. my constant hope and prayer. i constantly was questioning 'why are we here god? why am i here?'
tears are falling as i write this because i know now that god did hear that faithless prayer, and it's THEIR heart for the leadership and our church to own their frailty so THEY can be glorified.
liam read this quote this morning:
Snowflakes are frail, but when they stick together they can stop traffic.
Vance Havner
i look at the momentum of an avalanche, or the incredible power of a blizzard - our frailties individually are easily used to melt away at us. but together we can affect great change.
dear god, would that it could be so today.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
been there, done that. doesn't work.
jennifer at my true self and i have been having a dialog about recovery from past pain. i started to comment on her blog, but i got so passionate and so drawn out that i felt it was more responsible to move to my own blog. so you can read the beginning of the dialog there and here is my response:
been there, done that. doesn't work.
it wasn't that i misunderstood your words, i knew them too well. it's what i was told my whole life. feed the white dog so the black dog starves, crucify the old man, you can say it anyway you want, but it's just putting paint on an ugly old building.
i was raised with this dualist mentality and it's not biblical. god is the god of redemption, he doesn't make old things new, he makes all things new - he will use your pain, when you face it, to help yourself and others. pretending or avoiding will only make it surface in other ugly ways. depression, anxiety, addictions, denial. none of them work, i've tried each and every one.
god is using my journey, and all the pain i've endured to help myself and others to see that it's not just wasted. god becomes the king of sick jokes otherwise. he's not. he's the redeemer. he'll redeem your past if you let him. but it only comes through facing it. not to dwelling there, like i said in my other comment, but facing it long enough to untangle it and see how it's causing pain in your life today, and stopping it from causing pain in your tomorrow. it's a hard, ugly road to walk, and it's 'not fair' or fun or a blessing, but it's worth it.
i highly recommend 'the wounded healer' by henri nouwen. it's in our brokenness that he is strong, glorified and life makes sense again. otherwise it's just this life long battle of curses and shame. god becomes a masochist and nothing makes sense.
it is the most diabolical teaching that i've had to free myself from. those who teach it can't even fathom the damage they are doing in the kingdom of god. it makes it 'our job' to do the crucifying, instead of it being a finished work. we become the one to be redeeming, instead of god. it's heresy and it's horrible. and until we call if for what it is the kingdom and churches will be in bondage to the idol of self, instead of seeing GOD as the redeemer and completer of our salvation.
that is the beauty of the 12 steps. that is why i truly think that they are inspired (not like biblical inspiration, k?) by god. truth was redeemed in those 12 steps. truth that somehow along the way the church seemed to loose.
step 1 - admit we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable.
thinking that i can do this on my own is, well, i'm gonna call it for what it is, satanic. there, that's plain and simple how completely distorted this teaching is. i think it comes from the pit of hell.
satan doesn't want us cutting animals to bits and sacrificing virgins in his name. he'd much rather have us tied up in knots and not getting the full understanding of the redemptive process of god.
when you say:
it sounds so close to right that you might not see how very far this path will take you from your end goal. one small notch on a navigation compass might not seem like a huge deal when looking at the compass, but when navigating a course at sea it will mean leagues of distance you have to traverse to recover your true course.
i have traveled those leagues. this is truly just a plea to learn from my mistakes. see that the lie is subtle, but diabolical. god truly will redeem your pain if you let him. you don't have to war within yourself. there is only one world, your reality lives there. the journey is 'in and through'. like i said above. it's not easy, but it's worth it.
been there, done that. doesn't work.
it wasn't that i misunderstood your words, i knew them too well. it's what i was told my whole life. feed the white dog so the black dog starves, crucify the old man, you can say it anyway you want, but it's just putting paint on an ugly old building.
i was raised with this dualist mentality and it's not biblical. god is the god of redemption, he doesn't make old things new, he makes all things new - he will use your pain, when you face it, to help yourself and others. pretending or avoiding will only make it surface in other ugly ways. depression, anxiety, addictions, denial. none of them work, i've tried each and every one.
god is using my journey, and all the pain i've endured to help myself and others to see that it's not just wasted. god becomes the king of sick jokes otherwise. he's not. he's the redeemer. he'll redeem your past if you let him. but it only comes through facing it. not to dwelling there, like i said in my other comment, but facing it long enough to untangle it and see how it's causing pain in your life today, and stopping it from causing pain in your tomorrow. it's a hard, ugly road to walk, and it's 'not fair' or fun or a blessing, but it's worth it.
i highly recommend 'the wounded healer' by henri nouwen. it's in our brokenness that he is strong, glorified and life makes sense again. otherwise it's just this life long battle of curses and shame. god becomes a masochist and nothing makes sense.
it is the most diabolical teaching that i've had to free myself from. those who teach it can't even fathom the damage they are doing in the kingdom of god. it makes it 'our job' to do the crucifying, instead of it being a finished work. we become the one to be redeeming, instead of god. it's heresy and it's horrible. and until we call if for what it is the kingdom and churches will be in bondage to the idol of self, instead of seeing GOD as the redeemer and completer of our salvation.
that is the beauty of the 12 steps. that is why i truly think that they are inspired (not like biblical inspiration, k?) by god. truth was redeemed in those 12 steps. truth that somehow along the way the church seemed to loose.
step 1 - admit we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable.
thinking that i can do this on my own is, well, i'm gonna call it for what it is, satanic. there, that's plain and simple how completely distorted this teaching is. i think it comes from the pit of hell.
satan doesn't want us cutting animals to bits and sacrificing virgins in his name. he'd much rather have us tied up in knots and not getting the full understanding of the redemptive process of god.
when you say:
"Today I am very aware of living between 2 worlds. The world of my false self – the victim, the hurt child that wont let anyone close…..and the world of my true self – willing to feel the real pain of what really happened, but not be controlled by it. It's my true self that Jesus is redeeming. That redemption is the primary issue on which I need to be focused, not past abuse, or its current affects."
it sounds so close to right that you might not see how very far this path will take you from your end goal. one small notch on a navigation compass might not seem like a huge deal when looking at the compass, but when navigating a course at sea it will mean leagues of distance you have to traverse to recover your true course.
i have traveled those leagues. this is truly just a plea to learn from my mistakes. see that the lie is subtle, but diabolical. god truly will redeem your pain if you let him. you don't have to war within yourself. there is only one world, your reality lives there. the journey is 'in and through'. like i said above. it's not easy, but it's worth it.
Friday, August 06, 2004
decade of pain - part three
the medication and prayer began to do some maintenance on the outer person i had divided myself into. i was able to return to public life, but still kept much of the inner person hidden and divided away in safety.
i got to the point where i realized that the prozac wasn't only keeping me from the negative emotions - it was flattening even the good ones. i felt zombie like. so even - almost flat lined. i hated it, and convinced liam that i was 'all better' and that i had to be off the prozac to be able to have a baby. so i went cold turkey, without the supervision of a doctor. BAD IDEA...
to say it is always darkest before the dawn slides over the length and depth of the darkness. i crashed. my 2 jewish angels had found me a receptionist position at their accountants and i spent my days dressing up (which i abhorred) and working in a windowless office being poorly treated by far too many accountants and their assistants. i hated that job more than anything i have ever hated in my life (with the exception of honors algebra). i was suffocating, infertile and crashing from the lack of mood stabilizers. it got so bad i was 'let go'. instead of being sad i was thrilled. i didn't have to go to that corporate prison any more.
the other thing that happened at that time was that we got internet service. now i no longer had to go looking for pornography and sexual stories, they came right into my home. no shame (yah, right) involved...
there were days i wouldn't get out of bed, except to eat and pee. it was also at the time i became physically violent with liam. he was avoiding being home by working as much as possible, and when he did come home he found a lunatic, a very angry lunatic. i didn't realize that his choice to work more was exactly the way my father solved problems in my family of origin. i began to resent him and my one friend became my greatest enemy.
you can't get pregnant if you don't have sex, but the sex was awakening a distant voice that i had silenced for years. it was this long loud howl of pain, and i did everything and anything to bury it back away where it came from.
it would not be silenced. the medication was given again and that flat-line persona re-surfaced. i didn't know which i hated more, the lunatic or the zombie. at least the zombie didn't scratch, bite and kick my husband. so we settled for the zombie.
i received a call from my jewish angel pharmacist and he asked me to open a dollar store for him at the old closet store location. i was thrilled. zombie girl could do that. it was fresh and new, and fun. he loved my ideas and i loved being back where someone respected me again. things were looking up. the fantasy suicide took a back burner to life again.
i can't for the life of me remember how i got off the anti-depressants, but i know i did, and it was slowly. with doctor approval, step by step weaning myself down dosage and then days between. it was a much safer place for me to be.
then came another angel on the scene. my doctor finally asked me 'how long have you been trying to get pregnant?' i told her 6 years and she about dropped her teeth. 'we'll get you into an endocrinologist and get all the tests done'. that angel in the form of an endocrinologist became jesus to me.
she looked at me and said 'bobbie, it is no longer your job to get you pregnant, it's now mine.' i was pregnant in two months. i loved being pregnant with my daughter. i had never felt healthier or happier. i was judged fit by god somehow and it validated so much of my female-ness. redemption was near.
we tried again to open doors to ministry, and each slammed shut, so we decided to purchase our first home and invest ourselves in our community. our daughter was born and within months we had an invitation to ministry. god's timing was 'off' again.
i'm not going to re-blog that ministry time again, if you haven't read it before you can find an explanation of it here.
but what i want to finish this with is the redemption that i found last summer. we were taking our youth to canada for a work project. on the way there and back we stopped at niagara falls to show them all the sites. we parked far away in the cheap parking and walked about a mile to the falls. the whole time i am having a spiritual experience, interrupted many times by my own children, and the youth trying to include me in their excitement. i explain to liam that i'm going to need a bit of space to feel whatever spiritual experience god had planned for me.
he engaged the kids, and i fell behind the group. i remember walking up to that coke bottle green water, feeling the mist on my face and thinking 'i'm free, i no longer want to die anymore. i want to live.'
we went into the tunnels below the falls and my journey continued. i had on my little saran wrap poncho and headed out to observe the thundering water as it hits the floor of the canyon. my tears were hidden by the drenching i received by the falls and i heard 'i baptize you in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit'. i wept. i no longer wanted to die. i knew i wanted to live. i knew i had much to live for.
on the return trip we took them on the maid of the mist, and again, knowing the experience of the previous trip through i stood on the bow with my arms spread wide and worshiped god with my tears and hope. i left my hood down so that i could feel the cleansing water wash over me. it was the beginning of the next stage of my life. i knew i wanted more, that i was made for more. i knew that i had gone through those things and that they weren't going to be wasted. god was going to allow me to help others who were where i had been. i truly wanted to live.
thank you for bearing through this long journey with me. it was cathartic. i'm glad i'm through it though. i knew i couldn't let it go until tomorrow or i'd never finish it, or the emotions would poison the weekend. i feel wiped out, but like i've run and completed a marathon of sorts. i had been avoiding this are of my life for a long time and needed to 'go there' and get it all out. thanks for 'going there' with me. you make me stronger.
decade of pain - part 1
decade of pain - part 2
i got to the point where i realized that the prozac wasn't only keeping me from the negative emotions - it was flattening even the good ones. i felt zombie like. so even - almost flat lined. i hated it, and convinced liam that i was 'all better' and that i had to be off the prozac to be able to have a baby. so i went cold turkey, without the supervision of a doctor. BAD IDEA...
to say it is always darkest before the dawn slides over the length and depth of the darkness. i crashed. my 2 jewish angels had found me a receptionist position at their accountants and i spent my days dressing up (which i abhorred) and working in a windowless office being poorly treated by far too many accountants and their assistants. i hated that job more than anything i have ever hated in my life (with the exception of honors algebra). i was suffocating, infertile and crashing from the lack of mood stabilizers. it got so bad i was 'let go'. instead of being sad i was thrilled. i didn't have to go to that corporate prison any more.
the other thing that happened at that time was that we got internet service. now i no longer had to go looking for pornography and sexual stories, they came right into my home. no shame (yah, right) involved...
there were days i wouldn't get out of bed, except to eat and pee. it was also at the time i became physically violent with liam. he was avoiding being home by working as much as possible, and when he did come home he found a lunatic, a very angry lunatic. i didn't realize that his choice to work more was exactly the way my father solved problems in my family of origin. i began to resent him and my one friend became my greatest enemy.
you can't get pregnant if you don't have sex, but the sex was awakening a distant voice that i had silenced for years. it was this long loud howl of pain, and i did everything and anything to bury it back away where it came from.
it would not be silenced. the medication was given again and that flat-line persona re-surfaced. i didn't know which i hated more, the lunatic or the zombie. at least the zombie didn't scratch, bite and kick my husband. so we settled for the zombie.
i received a call from my jewish angel pharmacist and he asked me to open a dollar store for him at the old closet store location. i was thrilled. zombie girl could do that. it was fresh and new, and fun. he loved my ideas and i loved being back where someone respected me again. things were looking up. the fantasy suicide took a back burner to life again.
i can't for the life of me remember how i got off the anti-depressants, but i know i did, and it was slowly. with doctor approval, step by step weaning myself down dosage and then days between. it was a much safer place for me to be.
then came another angel on the scene. my doctor finally asked me 'how long have you been trying to get pregnant?' i told her 6 years and she about dropped her teeth. 'we'll get you into an endocrinologist and get all the tests done'. that angel in the form of an endocrinologist became jesus to me.
she looked at me and said 'bobbie, it is no longer your job to get you pregnant, it's now mine.' i was pregnant in two months. i loved being pregnant with my daughter. i had never felt healthier or happier. i was judged fit by god somehow and it validated so much of my female-ness. redemption was near.
we tried again to open doors to ministry, and each slammed shut, so we decided to purchase our first home and invest ourselves in our community. our daughter was born and within months we had an invitation to ministry. god's timing was 'off' again.
i'm not going to re-blog that ministry time again, if you haven't read it before you can find an explanation of it here.
but what i want to finish this with is the redemption that i found last summer. we were taking our youth to canada for a work project. on the way there and back we stopped at niagara falls to show them all the sites. we parked far away in the cheap parking and walked about a mile to the falls. the whole time i am having a spiritual experience, interrupted many times by my own children, and the youth trying to include me in their excitement. i explain to liam that i'm going to need a bit of space to feel whatever spiritual experience god had planned for me.
he engaged the kids, and i fell behind the group. i remember walking up to that coke bottle green water, feeling the mist on my face and thinking 'i'm free, i no longer want to die anymore. i want to live.'
we went into the tunnels below the falls and my journey continued. i had on my little saran wrap poncho and headed out to observe the thundering water as it hits the floor of the canyon. my tears were hidden by the drenching i received by the falls and i heard 'i baptize you in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit'. i wept. i no longer wanted to die. i knew i wanted to live. i knew i had much to live for.
on the return trip we took them on the maid of the mist, and again, knowing the experience of the previous trip through i stood on the bow with my arms spread wide and worshiped god with my tears and hope. i left my hood down so that i could feel the cleansing water wash over me. it was the beginning of the next stage of my life. i knew i wanted more, that i was made for more. i knew that i had gone through those things and that they weren't going to be wasted. god was going to allow me to help others who were where i had been. i truly wanted to live.
thank you for bearing through this long journey with me. it was cathartic. i'm glad i'm through it though. i knew i couldn't let it go until tomorrow or i'd never finish it, or the emotions would poison the weekend. i feel wiped out, but like i've run and completed a marathon of sorts. i had been avoiding this are of my life for a long time and needed to 'go there' and get it all out. thanks for 'going there' with me. you make me stronger.
decade of pain - part 1
decade of pain - part 2
decade of pain - part two
well, it sounded like a good idea at 4:30 this morning to begin this journey... i have since had a nap and a cup of reheated coffee and know that if i don't keep going i will probably never get part two blogged. so here it goes...
liam exited the car sales business and finally entered an industry that allowed him to use his brain and talents. he started working in an open custody group home for young offenders. it suited him well. unfortunately it left me feeling highly unfulfilled. i was jealous, not only of the fact that he had a good, well paying respected job, but also that he began to spend a lot of time at work. double shifts and over time, writing reports and attending training.
i sucked as a telemarketer, i refused to guilt people into computer training and as soon as my grace period of guaranteed pay went to commissions i got very restless. the owners of the company really liked me and could see i was a good worker, just ill suited for the position. they found me a retail position in a new little closet store where i was able to use some of my creativity and engage my mind.
i worked for two jewish south african men who respected me for my mind, something i had yet to experience in my short life. it was salve to my soul, and i decided at that time i would do anything for them, their respect and license fertilized a small seed in my soul and allowed it to grow and flourish. i loved them and their families and supported their businesses to the best of my abilities. i began to reconstruct a life for myself.
those first two years were the most stable i had ever been in ages, and the most professionally satisfying for me. it was then that liam and i decided that it was time to begin our own family.
our plans, for god's plans, for our lives didn't pan out like we thought they would. each and every month i became a failure. my own body was turning on me. the high expectations that come from a late period and the crashing low that follows were unbearable. my reconstructed person was too fragile to withstand this difficult time.
we had moved out to care take a farm for my step-father-in-law. his romanian orthodox church had purchased the property for church picnics and as an investment for the future. my country girl heart was thrilled. very low rent and 3 acres to mow and a pond for liam to fish. we got a golden retriever and even found a church that had a youth group to work with. it seemed like things were turning to our favor. all except for the fact that i just couldn't seem to get pregnant.
it was at that time i remembered a dumb prayer. one of those you pray at a time of terrible pain and loss. i prayed 'god, if i'm ever going to get sick and die on my children like my mother did then i don't want to have children at all'. yuck. did that mean i was going to die on top of this?? liam working crazy hours, being out in the middle of nowhere and the infertility all conspired to bring me to a place where i was living a life divided.
in public i was able to maintain the appearance of some semblance of sanity, but alone i began to isolate, complain of physical symptoms and my addictions shifted into over-drive. i gained weight at light speed and began a routine of renting dirty movies when i knew liam was working. my binge on food, and purge with smut began a cycle that spun me down into a big black hole. no one at the time had enough love or ability to care or help. i was alone, and becoming very miserable, and very suicidal, still trying to think of a way that was foolproof.
this coupled god slamming the door shut every time we attempted to open any to enter into ministry. . it seemed we were not only unfit to be parents, but unfit to serve in the kingdom of god too.
the church youth group we were devoting all of our free time and money to got really weird. one of the deacons, a very unhealthy man, both physically, emotionally and spiritually decided that he didn't like me very much. i was mentoring his daughter and her best friend, and i guess i was getting too close to the family secrets. i don't know why really, but he made it his goal to oust us from any involvement with the youth of the church. it worked, he won and we slunk away to lick our wounds.
the icing on the cake was 3 months later his 17 year old daughter was pregnant, and i was still infertile. it was at that time that i finally had it - a sure way - no question about it - i finally knew how i was going to kill myself.
we were about 40 minutes away from niagara falls. every time anyone would visit we'd take them there. i remember standing on the point where the edge of the falls is closest to the barrier and watching that coke bottle green water flow over the edge. i knew one day i would launch myself over that edge. fly first and then be surrounded by that great and powerful water.
i knew i had to be alone. i would drive my little mazda 323 to the exact point on the street where the falls met the edge and leave it running, with my suicide notes on the passenger seat and run full blast to the edge, climb the barrier and swan dive into the big deep green.
i stroked that wonderful plan like gollum stroked the ring. it became my precious, my solution, my way out. i even wrote my notes many times.
i couldn't admit that i was ruining myself on my own and because of my continued hypochondria i became convinced that i had epstein barr, or chronic fatique, or even worse lupus like my mother. i had symptom upon symptom and i started to use that wonderful free health care to my advantage.
those old testament verses about bones rotting and being consumed was true for me. i was having physical manifestations of the emotional pain i wasn't dealing with. home depot moved into town and shut down my little store. i now was unemployed and had even more time to isolate myself. we didn't need the income, so we gathered it was finally that time and god was preparing us for pregnancy. we were wrong.
it was because of the hypochondria that i finally got to some doctors who identified my real problem, depression. i was sent to counseling. a psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis and prescribed prozac and i was told that i was 'angry and needed assertiveness training'. i scoffed at them. i am laughing now, but at the time i truly argued with the nurse - 'i am not angry, i never get angry, and you can see from me telling you this that i am assertive enough not to need the training'.
i took the prescription and began my first shaky steps toward emotional health. the drug helped stabilize me to the point where i was at least able to begin to address some of my emotional pain.
one of the benefits of our volunteer youth ministry was that we came in contact with a man who began to pastor us from a distance. his influence was felt deeply in our lives. he recommended good books to read and began a thirst within me for healing. i hadn't prayed in years and he told me to just start to yell at god - tell him everything. so on my little lawn tractor i would yell and scream at god and no one could hear me. i told him everything. how much i hated the silence, how much i hated him for taking my mom, for making my body not work for me, for judging us unfit for kingdom or family and for making me so weak. so very weak.
i never expected when i began this this morning that it would be so long. it's more for me than you i guess now, but if you've made it this far i am appreciative. thank you for journeying with me along this path. i guess part three will continue later.
decade of pain - part 1
decade of pain - part 3
liam exited the car sales business and finally entered an industry that allowed him to use his brain and talents. he started working in an open custody group home for young offenders. it suited him well. unfortunately it left me feeling highly unfulfilled. i was jealous, not only of the fact that he had a good, well paying respected job, but also that he began to spend a lot of time at work. double shifts and over time, writing reports and attending training.
i sucked as a telemarketer, i refused to guilt people into computer training and as soon as my grace period of guaranteed pay went to commissions i got very restless. the owners of the company really liked me and could see i was a good worker, just ill suited for the position. they found me a retail position in a new little closet store where i was able to use some of my creativity and engage my mind.
i worked for two jewish south african men who respected me for my mind, something i had yet to experience in my short life. it was salve to my soul, and i decided at that time i would do anything for them, their respect and license fertilized a small seed in my soul and allowed it to grow and flourish. i loved them and their families and supported their businesses to the best of my abilities. i began to reconstruct a life for myself.
those first two years were the most stable i had ever been in ages, and the most professionally satisfying for me. it was then that liam and i decided that it was time to begin our own family.
our plans, for god's plans, for our lives didn't pan out like we thought they would. each and every month i became a failure. my own body was turning on me. the high expectations that come from a late period and the crashing low that follows were unbearable. my reconstructed person was too fragile to withstand this difficult time.
we had moved out to care take a farm for my step-father-in-law. his romanian orthodox church had purchased the property for church picnics and as an investment for the future. my country girl heart was thrilled. very low rent and 3 acres to mow and a pond for liam to fish. we got a golden retriever and even found a church that had a youth group to work with. it seemed like things were turning to our favor. all except for the fact that i just couldn't seem to get pregnant.
it was at that time i remembered a dumb prayer. one of those you pray at a time of terrible pain and loss. i prayed 'god, if i'm ever going to get sick and die on my children like my mother did then i don't want to have children at all'. yuck. did that mean i was going to die on top of this?? liam working crazy hours, being out in the middle of nowhere and the infertility all conspired to bring me to a place where i was living a life divided.
in public i was able to maintain the appearance of some semblance of sanity, but alone i began to isolate, complain of physical symptoms and my addictions shifted into over-drive. i gained weight at light speed and began a routine of renting dirty movies when i knew liam was working. my binge on food, and purge with smut began a cycle that spun me down into a big black hole. no one at the time had enough love or ability to care or help. i was alone, and becoming very miserable, and very suicidal, still trying to think of a way that was foolproof.
this coupled god slamming the door shut every time we attempted to open any to enter into ministry. . it seemed we were not only unfit to be parents, but unfit to serve in the kingdom of god too.
the church youth group we were devoting all of our free time and money to got really weird. one of the deacons, a very unhealthy man, both physically, emotionally and spiritually decided that he didn't like me very much. i was mentoring his daughter and her best friend, and i guess i was getting too close to the family secrets. i don't know why really, but he made it his goal to oust us from any involvement with the youth of the church. it worked, he won and we slunk away to lick our wounds.
the icing on the cake was 3 months later his 17 year old daughter was pregnant, and i was still infertile. it was at that time that i finally had it - a sure way - no question about it - i finally knew how i was going to kill myself.
we were about 40 minutes away from niagara falls. every time anyone would visit we'd take them there. i remember standing on the point where the edge of the falls is closest to the barrier and watching that coke bottle green water flow over the edge. i knew one day i would launch myself over that edge. fly first and then be surrounded by that great and powerful water.
i knew i had to be alone. i would drive my little mazda 323 to the exact point on the street where the falls met the edge and leave it running, with my suicide notes on the passenger seat and run full blast to the edge, climb the barrier and swan dive into the big deep green.
i stroked that wonderful plan like gollum stroked the ring. it became my precious, my solution, my way out. i even wrote my notes many times.
i couldn't admit that i was ruining myself on my own and because of my continued hypochondria i became convinced that i had epstein barr, or chronic fatique, or even worse lupus like my mother. i had symptom upon symptom and i started to use that wonderful free health care to my advantage.
those old testament verses about bones rotting and being consumed was true for me. i was having physical manifestations of the emotional pain i wasn't dealing with. home depot moved into town and shut down my little store. i now was unemployed and had even more time to isolate myself. we didn't need the income, so we gathered it was finally that time and god was preparing us for pregnancy. we were wrong.
it was because of the hypochondria that i finally got to some doctors who identified my real problem, depression. i was sent to counseling. a psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis and prescribed prozac and i was told that i was 'angry and needed assertiveness training'. i scoffed at them. i am laughing now, but at the time i truly argued with the nurse - 'i am not angry, i never get angry, and you can see from me telling you this that i am assertive enough not to need the training'.
i took the prescription and began my first shaky steps toward emotional health. the drug helped stabilize me to the point where i was at least able to begin to address some of my emotional pain.
one of the benefits of our volunteer youth ministry was that we came in contact with a man who began to pastor us from a distance. his influence was felt deeply in our lives. he recommended good books to read and began a thirst within me for healing. i hadn't prayed in years and he told me to just start to yell at god - tell him everything. so on my little lawn tractor i would yell and scream at god and no one could hear me. i told him everything. how much i hated the silence, how much i hated him for taking my mom, for making my body not work for me, for judging us unfit for kingdom or family and for making me so weak. so very weak.
i never expected when i began this this morning that it would be so long. it's more for me than you i guess now, but if you've made it this far i am appreciative. thank you for journeying with me along this path. i guess part three will continue later.
decade of pain - part 1
decade of pain - part 3
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