i feel hungover. like i was hit by a mack truck. pummled.
i guess i didn't take my magnesium properly yesterday, or something else was off because i got one of those 'cold seizures' last night and just could not get warm.
i wish i knew how to stop this from happening. it feels so random, and it's really scary not knowing when it will happen and how to fix it. extra blankets. winter pj's. liam's cuddling so close i can't move. thick socks, even on my hands. i ended up last night with my winter pj's, winter robe, 2 pair of thick socks, and four blankets. it still took an hour to shake it.
my body feels like it was dropped off a cliff this morning. like i'm bruised deep inside. it has been so long since my last episode that i almost forgot how powerless it feels. i'm sure it's a type of hypothermia. buck had a similar reaction this summer after swimming. we just couldn't get him warm. i hope it's not hereditary.
we're supposed to go camping next week at bar harbor with friends. i don't think i can manage it with this looming again. i can't imagine not having the resources of warm clothes and heat on demand at my fingers in case this happens there.
i'm starting to loosen up and stretch, but it feels like someone took a sardine can key to the bottom of my spine and just wound it up tight. my head feels 10 lbs. heavier and i'm so thick and cloudy in my thoughts. oh i don't miss this at all.
since i started the magnesium i haven't even really had a headache. not a good feeling. i thought maybe writing about it would help to clear some of the fog and journal for me a reminder that keeping good tabs on my magnesium is important. hope you have a great day! thanks for listening.
Showing posts with label magnesium. Show all posts
Showing posts with label magnesium. Show all posts
Friday, September 01, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
familiar feelings
for the past few days i have shut down. since i've been taking the magnesium i have been sleeping like the dead, and making up for years of interrupted sleep. the heat and 'free floating anxiety' have just stopped me in my tracks.
trying to put my finger on the emotions when they become so overwhelming is difficult. i spend much of the time beating myself up for being overwhelmed and trying to figure out what has stalled me.
last friday my mother-in-law called and said 'oh dear, i know we were talking about coming down at the end of the month/beginning of aug. but we've been talking - how does the 13th sound for you?" you mean THURSDAY?? sigh. forward thinking isn't one of her strong suits. it actually works out fine, so they are driving today to arrive this late this evening.
so for some time i had assumed it was just overwhelming that i was having company and my 'space' was going to be invaded. they are truly the easiest of company. no cleaning necessary and so laid back. she'll even help me sew my curtains while she's here.
then i realized that i was feeling some real familiar emotions that i didn't like at all. liam is teaching on sunday. once i put my finger on that issue everything opened up and made sense. i have totally backed off and allowed his capable self to manage things. he's not overworking so he really has time to do this. it's been hard not to be overly involved, but i know that the fear of 'representing' and putting our best face on is what drives my need to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything or try to steer the cart in the direction "i think it should go". i've been proud of myself for not being overly involved.
but we're getting down to the wire - and now with his parents coming it will eat up any contemplative time he might have otherwise taken. and i know that the stress of 'sunday' will begin to build - and i don't like to do emotions in public. feeling watched/judged is a big fear of mine. i make up what people are thinking and become suspicious and paranoid.
i also realized that this is a level of engaging into the community that i'm really not comfortable with. i have a deep seated fear of institutions. i have not been treated well by them. this church is about as 'institutional-less' as you can get, but there is still a 'belonging' that happens, and if you belong, you can be rejected. and the fear of rejection is a bit more than i can bear right now.
that pushes my co-dependent buttons and makes me want to spit and polish liam and his notes in a last ditch effort to make sure we won't be rejected. oh it pains me to type this. i hate that this all matters to me. i know it's uncovered a huge sore on my soul. the wounding of the past churches has truly left me shell-shocked. i want to run free, not have anything required of me and not have any ties that could hurt me again. but deep down i know that isn't the answer. no community or intimacy is not how we were meant to live. so being present to these emotions is where i sit this morning. trying to feel them without them pushing me into my addictions and co-addictions. damn. pretending is so much more fun.
pray for me. it's going to be a scorcher weekend here. this space already feels a bit tight when it's hot and the kids are home. throw in a couple more people and i'm sure it's going to tempt me to bolt. i guess heading to the ocean will drop the temperature and the open space will do us all good.
on a side note, we went to the island the other day and as i sat with my family at the lighthouse and watched the sea i had a long-time prayer answered. i got to see 8 whale backs surface. i will be posting about this on my other blog sometime this weekend. whales and i have a long history that i didn't understand and i am starting to put the pieces together. it was a sacred time indeed. have a great day!
trying to put my finger on the emotions when they become so overwhelming is difficult. i spend much of the time beating myself up for being overwhelmed and trying to figure out what has stalled me.
last friday my mother-in-law called and said 'oh dear, i know we were talking about coming down at the end of the month/beginning of aug. but we've been talking - how does the 13th sound for you?" you mean THURSDAY?? sigh. forward thinking isn't one of her strong suits. it actually works out fine, so they are driving today to arrive this late this evening.
so for some time i had assumed it was just overwhelming that i was having company and my 'space' was going to be invaded. they are truly the easiest of company. no cleaning necessary and so laid back. she'll even help me sew my curtains while she's here.
then i realized that i was feeling some real familiar emotions that i didn't like at all. liam is teaching on sunday. once i put my finger on that issue everything opened up and made sense. i have totally backed off and allowed his capable self to manage things. he's not overworking so he really has time to do this. it's been hard not to be overly involved, but i know that the fear of 'representing' and putting our best face on is what drives my need to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything or try to steer the cart in the direction "i think it should go". i've been proud of myself for not being overly involved.
but we're getting down to the wire - and now with his parents coming it will eat up any contemplative time he might have otherwise taken. and i know that the stress of 'sunday' will begin to build - and i don't like to do emotions in public. feeling watched/judged is a big fear of mine. i make up what people are thinking and become suspicious and paranoid.
i also realized that this is a level of engaging into the community that i'm really not comfortable with. i have a deep seated fear of institutions. i have not been treated well by them. this church is about as 'institutional-less' as you can get, but there is still a 'belonging' that happens, and if you belong, you can be rejected. and the fear of rejection is a bit more than i can bear right now.
that pushes my co-dependent buttons and makes me want to spit and polish liam and his notes in a last ditch effort to make sure we won't be rejected. oh it pains me to type this. i hate that this all matters to me. i know it's uncovered a huge sore on my soul. the wounding of the past churches has truly left me shell-shocked. i want to run free, not have anything required of me and not have any ties that could hurt me again. but deep down i know that isn't the answer. no community or intimacy is not how we were meant to live. so being present to these emotions is where i sit this morning. trying to feel them without them pushing me into my addictions and co-addictions. damn. pretending is so much more fun.
pray for me. it's going to be a scorcher weekend here. this space already feels a bit tight when it's hot and the kids are home. throw in a couple more people and i'm sure it's going to tempt me to bolt. i guess heading to the ocean will drop the temperature and the open space will do us all good.
on a side note, we went to the island the other day and as i sat with my family at the lighthouse and watched the sea i had a long-time prayer answered. i got to see 8 whale backs surface. i will be posting about this on my other blog sometime this weekend. whales and i have a long history that i didn't understand and i am starting to put the pieces together. it was a sacred time indeed. have a great day!
Monday, June 19, 2006
psa - muscle cramps and chills
just a friendly public service announcement for anyone trying to google answers to their muscle cramps and chills - MAGNESIUM!
anyone who has read my blog for awhile knows that i struggled with intense cold chills. it could be the middle of summer and i could still be wracked with debilitating cold chills. also my muscles had started to cramp so badly i couldn't kneel, i was getting shooting cramps up my ribcage and foot and leg cramps would wake me out of deep sleep.
i was at church the other day trying to clear past liam in the chairs and i got a muscle cramp in my leg. the woman we were talking to said 'magnesium' - pardon? magnesium is what you need to deal with muscle cramps. i said i thought it was potassium, she said 'nope, magnesium'.
so here i am a couple weeks past that and i've been taking 3 magnesium tablets a day every day and i am cramp and chill free. it is a good thing!
such a good thing i can't believe that my doctor of five years (who i complained to every time i saw her...) never ONCE did the calcium/magnesium test or just recommended it. maybe this is a deep, dark secret?? don't know - but i have found an answer and just wanted to pass it on to you.
(i also have a sneaking suspicion it will help with migranes as i haven't had even the hint of a headache or tension in my neck or scalp - worth giving it a try???)
UPDATE: i'm also sleeping better and dreaming again, go figure???
anyone who has read my blog for awhile knows that i struggled with intense cold chills. it could be the middle of summer and i could still be wracked with debilitating cold chills. also my muscles had started to cramp so badly i couldn't kneel, i was getting shooting cramps up my ribcage and foot and leg cramps would wake me out of deep sleep.
i was at church the other day trying to clear past liam in the chairs and i got a muscle cramp in my leg. the woman we were talking to said 'magnesium' - pardon? magnesium is what you need to deal with muscle cramps. i said i thought it was potassium, she said 'nope, magnesium'.
so here i am a couple weeks past that and i've been taking 3 magnesium tablets a day every day and i am cramp and chill free. it is a good thing!
such a good thing i can't believe that my doctor of five years (who i complained to every time i saw her...) never ONCE did the calcium/magnesium test or just recommended it. maybe this is a deep, dark secret?? don't know - but i have found an answer and just wanted to pass it on to you.
(i also have a sneaking suspicion it will help with migranes as i haven't had even the hint of a headache or tension in my neck or scalp - worth giving it a try???)
UPDATE: i'm also sleeping better and dreaming again, go figure???
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