Wednesday, November 26, 2008

commander in chief

news on the huffpo today that gwb could be drinking again. i am not a fan of the man, but my heart goes out to him during this time. i know he's made his bed, hell, he's made all our beds, but recovery is hard enough when you work your program on a good day - let alone when the whole world hates you (for real)...

also news that his mom is in the hospital...

life just doesn't get easier sometimes. i said a prayer for him today. if this isn't bottom and he's not working his program, i don't know how bad it would have to get for him to get sober again.

i really feel for laura - i read she's writing a memoir - i wonder how honest she'll let herself be?

there were so many times in his eight years that i heard the clouded alcoholic thinking in his words or saw in his choices. so many times i thought "he's not working a program" or "there is no evidence of serenity in his life or words"... scary to think that even a white-knuckle drunk president had so much power.

the clarity and decisiveness that BO speaks with tells me that he is the most diferentiated person we have seen in a very long time. so healthy. i pray he stays that way.

one of my greatest fears about john mccain was that he showed great evidince of addiction in his lifestyle and choices. i knew that our world could not afford another unrecovered addict in the white house.

god bless america.

Monday, November 24, 2008

my mind and my time

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

A man is what he thinks about all day long.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is true for women too. We sure learned that about our disease as well. It kept us thinking about alcohol or drugs all day every day until we could think of little else. Finally we became addicts, gobbled up by our all consuming thoughts and cravings.

Now in recovery, we can be something else. We are becoming free of our addiction, and our minds can think about other things. What do we want to think about? What do we want to be?

It's easy to let the noise around us tell us what to think about. At the end of the day, we can end up feeling out of touch with who we are. We've been giving our minds to whatever is on the radio, television, or the gossip grapevine at work or school. That's why it's good to spend part of each day thinking about things we truly think are important and worthwhile.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, Help me understand that what I do with my mind and my time is important. What I do with my mind is my inner life. What I do with my time is my outer life. Together they define who I am.

Today's Action

I will think about the way I use my mind and my time today. What feels good and fits for me? Is there anything I want to do differently tomorrow?

You are reading from the book:

God Grant Me... by Anonymous

Friday, November 21, 2008


i celebrate an anniversary today. 365 days - one year - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time. writing every night in my journal - for 365 days i have done it. this past year has been the most rich and rewarding time i have ever experienced in my 43 years on this planet.

something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.

back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.

the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.

i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.

10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.

for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.

it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.

yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:

Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i have a dream...

well, a vision more than a dream. i don't know if this will be a return to blogging, but i needed to get these thoughts out in a safe place or my head will definitely explode.

i just had the most exciting meeting in my life. i know that could be hyperbole, but i don't think it is. i have dreamed of figuring out what i'm supposed to do in this community, and i think i just cleared the first real hurdle to finding out what that might be.

one of the ways my mind works is that when i hear about problems i begin to think about them to see if someone's problem might be someone else's solution. a few weeks ago i heard that the catholic churches in our community are being consolidated. each and every day i look out my kitchen window i see one of those churches. i began to think that possibly, just possibly their problem was my solution. i know that i will never have such an opportunity in my life to pioneer something like i do right now. we don't rely on me to provide any income at the moment, and i know it's time to begin to make myself more useful outside of the house. i think it is the ideal time to start something.

i have been praying long and hard to figure out what that something is. so many of my conversations lately have been with people about "next" and what it might be. today i met with a man who influences this discussion and i was heard, honored and encouraged. it was such a god appointment. so much fun and so life giving.

i think it might be possible that my solution to their problem just might be a real god answer to both of our paths. i can hardly believe it really could move to the next level. i have never stepped out like this before and not gotten my toes chopped off. to have firm ground under my feet feels really good.

i sent erin an email in response to something she sent me and said "PRAY" - she wrote back and said "how can you do this and do a house too?" i forgot to blog that after the financial crunch hit that beginning a mortgage seemed like a really dumb idea - so unless god gives us a home i think we'll keep our options open. (although i did just get a tour of the parish house today and it would suit our needs beautifully...)

anyway - i am putting together the beginnings of a proposal for monday and eventually hope to be giving that proposal to the local bishop. i found out today that the women's shelter in our community used to be a nunnery - and that it is leased from the catholic church for $1.00/year. that's the kind of miracle i'm hoping for here. any prayers, advice or encouragement on this would be appreciated. our community is in desperate need of a place where all are welcome and that can give life and stability to many. it is my vision that this might be that kind of place. thanks for listening.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

where i've been...

If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I think I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person.

Thomas Merton

via inward/outward

Friday, November 07, 2008

wholly ground

it is after we have made it
or have been made
whole and holy by it
that we can shuck it off
like a husk
and become it
not just dwell on it
now, being wholly ground,
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
close enough to the ground
to hear the steady pulse
of eternity.
Oh, yes, we want a love
we can hold in our palm
and a place on a map called
not a wonderland tale
where we are someone else's
where we are the real
for the ground of being.
But wait --
the door is open!
It is so easy to offer your heart
to holiness.
The slightest tip of your hat
is all it takes.

Source: Loretta Ross, Making Sanctuary, Vol. 16, No. 4, The Sanctuary

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