deb at abiding posted today about honest maintenance of her program and i realized in reading her post how very far i have slipped in my own. hope and i speak often and both rail at our inability to get our butts to a meeting. i asked deb if she could kick me to one, she reached out and sent me the website of meetings in my area.
i've never been to an AA meeting before. my most active addiction is compulsive overeating. i am also a recovering sexual addict. i have not had a drink for so long that i can hardly remember, but it's been at least 15 years if not longer. this week i have started fantasizing about the social aspect of drinking. pretending in my new community like i could be the kind of woman who could call up a friend and go and have a drink. they wouldn't know. how comfortable the lubricated life looks to me. i realized that i am dancing on a razor's edge right now.
i am binging to maintain my sexual abstinence. i haven't broken my 'no chocolate, no sugar' abstinence, but my portions are out of control and i am finding comfort in things like cheese and bread. i'm just so edgy that the fear of becoming out of control with pornography or masterbation again terrifies me and i stuff myself with food to medicate away the stress that i'm not dealing with.
deb taking the time to send me that email showed me that tomorrow morning at 9:30 there is a meeting one block behind my house. i'm intimidated. i probably wouldn't classify to most as an alcoholic - but i know that could change with one drink. so i need to be there. more than i need just about anything right now. there's also another meeting 3 blocks down the street from me on sunday night. i want to be there too. they don't interfere with liam's work schedule or the kids - this i need to do for me. would you please pray that i'll get there? i really need this.
UPDATE: well, i grabbed my umbrella, walked in the rain and no one was there. the lights were out, no cars, door locked... oh well. i showed up. so don't stop praying - i need to go tomorrow night, k? went to the women's ministry at church instead. it was important i was there.
cool thing happened though on my walk from the non-existent meeting to the church. as i was walking in the quiet of the rain i hear 'applause', like a roaring crowd. i looked to my right and there was a poplar tree and with the wind blowing through the leaves is sounded like clapping. it felt like god was cheering my showing up.
Showing posts with label masturbation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label masturbation. Show all posts
Friday, June 02, 2006
Monday, April 03, 2006
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
talking to kids about sex - part one
cheryl left a comment on my post about sex and mentioned her concerns about talking to her own daughter about this topic. she mentioned her struggle when the instruction she was given was so very lacking, this is true in my life too. how can we teach what was never taught to us? it is the question of every adult raised in a home of addiction or dysfunction.
i am no expert here, my oldest child is almost 9, so i've never talked to 'my own' kids before about sex, but i have talked to 100's of other people's. this would be my 'free advice' on the matter.
i know that my 'learning' came from very distorted sources - on both extremes of the spectrum - pornography and the church - neither of those extremes help anyone to have a real, healthy, life-giving understanding of sex and intimacy.
the most damaging aspect to my 'education' was that both extremes were so shame based. being a female was objectified by the pornography and degraded and impugned by the church. (my experience - not all i know). neither equipped me to be female. i still struggle with this today.
so i think it's most important that when teaching is done that is filled with grace, truth and love, not shame and fear. first of all i know that i can't teach anything that i don't believe to be true myself. i am wrestling with my own female-ness in part because my daughter is blossoming into a beautiful young woman and i want her to accept her femininity as a god given blessing instead of resenting and fearing all that life has in store for her. we need to own our own brokenness in this area before we can teach it to our kids. remember they have a 'b.s.' (pirate warning) detector that can sniff out hypocrisy and inconsistency from a mile away.
the best answer sometimes is 'i don't know, but i'm going to find out'. liam and i have committed to answering our kids questions honestly and age appropriately. we figure if they ask, they are old enough to know the truth. preparation for puberty comes early now as they are developing much more quickly than we did at our age.
pink and i have been reading the care and keeping of you together since november. it's a great start that begins with things like brushing your teeth and combing your hair. all things that were totally left out of my education - no one every did basic hygiene with me - i always felt like i was trying to keep up, and watching my friends to learn and copy. it was a horrible place and made for a very insecure childhood and teen age years. i don't want pink to have to learn anything from copying - who knows who she will think is worthy of copying? i know the people i copied were definitely not the kind of people i want my children to model themselves after.
liam is on the lookout for something similar to begin with buck soon. he's only going to be 7 next month, but we know that being intentional with these precious things needs to be one of our priorities.
the book eventually will come to the place where body parts and feminine hygiene will be discussed. this will bring many questions (as it should) and i want to be there to be able to answer each and every one.
one of the other things that i feel needs to happen with children; is that they need never to be shamed for asking questions. parents who project their embarrassment with these issues on their children punish them for their innocence. too many times of shaming and kids will know they're on their own and search for answers elsewhere.
the other area of sensitivity that i would caution about is not punishing your children for telling you the truth - even if it means they have broken the rules or 'sinned'. there needs to be consequences for these actions, but not for the truth telling. punishing your children for telling the truth creates liars and sneaks. children are brilliant - they know the logic of relational math - [i tell you the truth] + [you punish me] = i am stupid and will stop telling you the truth.
most parents fail to realize the real effects of this kind of economy in their homes. thoughtful consequences vs. reactionary punishment will build the kind of relationship that will keep communication open with your kids in a way that keeps you in the circuit. it's not fool proof, but you've got a better chance of being the person they come to instead of going to places where misconception and ugly lies dwell.
the next item i've been realizing is that metaphor speaks truth into my life in a much less threatening manner that facts and figures. i think we can use story and metaphor to describe those things that are conceptual about marriage, sex and love in ways that honor our children's brains and souls, and in a way that stays with them into the times when they really need it.
the only equipment i was ever given was 'just say no'. it worked for a year or two, but when i realized i didn't want things to stop i was out of ammunition to fight temptation and the emotional/hormonal/societal pressure i was facing.
my parents, youth workers and the church couldn't admit that in marriage sex was fun, wonderful and something to be desired to themselves, so they were unable to prepare me any farther than they were willing to go themselves.
honesty and transparency without graphic details at age appropriate times is the best direction to take - speak the truth in love.
love casts out fear, is never shame based and honors the other person and yourself in a way that brings hope and life. it takes courage. most of the time we avoid it because it might bring up our own baggage - but when we take the time to unpack our bags and deal with those things that are holding us hostage our children will benefit, but more importantly so will we.
so, i guess it's taking longer to get to the 'birds and bees' - so i'll make this part one.
i am no expert here, my oldest child is almost 9, so i've never talked to 'my own' kids before about sex, but i have talked to 100's of other people's. this would be my 'free advice' on the matter.
i know that my 'learning' came from very distorted sources - on both extremes of the spectrum - pornography and the church - neither of those extremes help anyone to have a real, healthy, life-giving understanding of sex and intimacy.
the most damaging aspect to my 'education' was that both extremes were so shame based. being a female was objectified by the pornography and degraded and impugned by the church. (my experience - not all i know). neither equipped me to be female. i still struggle with this today.
so i think it's most important that when teaching is done that is filled with grace, truth and love, not shame and fear. first of all i know that i can't teach anything that i don't believe to be true myself. i am wrestling with my own female-ness in part because my daughter is blossoming into a beautiful young woman and i want her to accept her femininity as a god given blessing instead of resenting and fearing all that life has in store for her. we need to own our own brokenness in this area before we can teach it to our kids. remember they have a 'b.s.' (pirate warning) detector that can sniff out hypocrisy and inconsistency from a mile away.
the best answer sometimes is 'i don't know, but i'm going to find out'. liam and i have committed to answering our kids questions honestly and age appropriately. we figure if they ask, they are old enough to know the truth. preparation for puberty comes early now as they are developing much more quickly than we did at our age.
pink and i have been reading the care and keeping of you together since november. it's a great start that begins with things like brushing your teeth and combing your hair. all things that were totally left out of my education - no one every did basic hygiene with me - i always felt like i was trying to keep up, and watching my friends to learn and copy. it was a horrible place and made for a very insecure childhood and teen age years. i don't want pink to have to learn anything from copying - who knows who she will think is worthy of copying? i know the people i copied were definitely not the kind of people i want my children to model themselves after.
liam is on the lookout for something similar to begin with buck soon. he's only going to be 7 next month, but we know that being intentional with these precious things needs to be one of our priorities.
the book eventually will come to the place where body parts and feminine hygiene will be discussed. this will bring many questions (as it should) and i want to be there to be able to answer each and every one.
one of the other things that i feel needs to happen with children; is that they need never to be shamed for asking questions. parents who project their embarrassment with these issues on their children punish them for their innocence. too many times of shaming and kids will know they're on their own and search for answers elsewhere.
the other area of sensitivity that i would caution about is not punishing your children for telling you the truth - even if it means they have broken the rules or 'sinned'. there needs to be consequences for these actions, but not for the truth telling. punishing your children for telling the truth creates liars and sneaks. children are brilliant - they know the logic of relational math - [i tell you the truth] + [you punish me] = i am stupid and will stop telling you the truth.
most parents fail to realize the real effects of this kind of economy in their homes. thoughtful consequences vs. reactionary punishment will build the kind of relationship that will keep communication open with your kids in a way that keeps you in the circuit. it's not fool proof, but you've got a better chance of being the person they come to instead of going to places where misconception and ugly lies dwell.
the next item i've been realizing is that metaphor speaks truth into my life in a much less threatening manner that facts and figures. i think we can use story and metaphor to describe those things that are conceptual about marriage, sex and love in ways that honor our children's brains and souls, and in a way that stays with them into the times when they really need it.
the only equipment i was ever given was 'just say no'. it worked for a year or two, but when i realized i didn't want things to stop i was out of ammunition to fight temptation and the emotional/hormonal/societal pressure i was facing.
my parents, youth workers and the church couldn't admit that in marriage sex was fun, wonderful and something to be desired to themselves, so they were unable to prepare me any farther than they were willing to go themselves.
honesty and transparency without graphic details at age appropriate times is the best direction to take - speak the truth in love.
love casts out fear, is never shame based and honors the other person and yourself in a way that brings hope and life. it takes courage. most of the time we avoid it because it might bring up our own baggage - but when we take the time to unpack our bags and deal with those things that are holding us hostage our children will benefit, but more importantly so will we.
so, i guess it's taking longer to get to the 'birds and bees' - so i'll make this part one.
Monday, June 28, 2004
...not as i would have it
this line by itself is a bit obscure. but i think that it is necessary, because 'as i would have it' is after all what every addict wants, right? life as i would have it. now, immediately, make me feel good, less bad or numb. NOW... as i would have it.
that's where i get into the problems. when i go from god's timing to bobbie's timing. NOW. no delayed gratification here.
when i get into 'NOW' mode i think of violet from willie wonka and the chocolate factory (which by the way is a very spiritual film when you think about it, who doesn't want a god to make rivers of chocolate and allow us to fly with bubbles of carbonation??). violet is the caricature of NOW. she's who i put into my head when i'm acting like a brat and feeling sorry for myself. it gives me perspective on how i must seem to god, stamping my feet, throwing things out of the way, demanding my needs be met at my whim and in the way that i want them to be met. NOW!
we all have real live basic human needs. food, water, shelter, sex. i struggle with each level of those needs. being satisfied with god's provision to meet those needs instead of my own concoction of what that should look like is where the rubber hits the road for me. masturbation is me determining how one of my basic human needs is going to be met. i can satisfy myself. i don't need you. never have, never will. yuck. but that's really what i am saying, both to god and to liam. your timing isn't good enough for me. i don't want to have to work for intimacy, i'll take a short-cut.
because really, if we're all honest we don't like the long way when it comes to having to truly connect with god or our spouse (or wait until we have one to connect with if we are single). but when we truly look at it from the point of intimacy we begin to understand why god created sex at all.
i mean really, the procreation thing, god could have done it in another way. he could have made it so much easier to make babies. but his goal really wasn't babies, it was bigger than that. it was families, it was community. god knew that we would never experience intimacy if it were left up to us. that bond that comes from sex when it isn't abused is the most beautiful picture of god, communion, and his love for us. but we miss it. we don't get it. it's about intimacy. not stimulation. not babies. not even marriage building. it's a BIG picture for us to get a tiny glimpse into the eternal. into the trinity. into the nature of god. but it's been so distorted and so polluted that we can't even imagine it could be used for anything but making us feel better.
that 'one flesh' concept, if kept as god intended it, is meant to form a bond between a man and woman that is unachievable in any other form. that is why the devil works so hard to twist it, deform it and make it about me. just me. NOW!
liam and i will be married for 17 years in september. for the longest time i thought that god played a pretty sick joke on us. this will take some explaining, but i think we're not the only couple with these kind of extremes, so let me try to hash it out here.
we each have a love language that fills us. (book by gary chapman) liam's is physical touch. mine is quality time. here's the broken part. liam married a sexual abuse survivor who struggles with sexual addiction. bobbie married a workaholic who could work 80 hours a week if allowed. problems?? you bet. this is definitely 'not as i would have it'.
how did this happen? seems like a sick joke doesn't it? it did to me for a very long time. liam and i have been working through a 12 step book with another couple, and what did we find... the SAME thing is true in their marriage. i've spoken to a couple friends and have seen that their love languages have been at extreme opposites from their spouses too. why? sick joke of god? i don't think so any more. i honestly believe that we are drawn to that opposite so that we can truly find balance. that when we work at it we are both brought to the healthy center - where we long to be. it's all about intimacy.
when our marriage is working liam is not spending 80 hours at the church. i am not meeting my own needs or avoiding sex and physical touch. we are both drawn out of our dysfunction into 'function' for lack of a better word, and intimacy is achieved. not such a sick joke any more.
this isn't only about sex either. when i seek to meet my own needs for food i get into trouble. when i am satisfied with my 3 meals a day i am able to live in serenity. it's only when i allow god to meet those needs for me that my life functions as it should. when i seek to meet my needs on my own i will always land back in the place of struggle, difficulty and usually shame.
so god, i don't' want to be violet any more. just for today, help me find intimacy with both you, and liam. help me to be satisfied with you meeting my needs and not strive to meet them on my own. just for today.
if you would like to find out what your love language is you can take this online quiz (make sure your pop-up blocker is ON).
love language quiz
that's where i get into the problems. when i go from god's timing to bobbie's timing. NOW. no delayed gratification here.
when i get into 'NOW' mode i think of violet from willie wonka and the chocolate factory (which by the way is a very spiritual film when you think about it, who doesn't want a god to make rivers of chocolate and allow us to fly with bubbles of carbonation??). violet is the caricature of NOW. she's who i put into my head when i'm acting like a brat and feeling sorry for myself. it gives me perspective on how i must seem to god, stamping my feet, throwing things out of the way, demanding my needs be met at my whim and in the way that i want them to be met. NOW!
we all have real live basic human needs. food, water, shelter, sex. i struggle with each level of those needs. being satisfied with god's provision to meet those needs instead of my own concoction of what that should look like is where the rubber hits the road for me. masturbation is me determining how one of my basic human needs is going to be met. i can satisfy myself. i don't need you. never have, never will. yuck. but that's really what i am saying, both to god and to liam. your timing isn't good enough for me. i don't want to have to work for intimacy, i'll take a short-cut.
because really, if we're all honest we don't like the long way when it comes to having to truly connect with god or our spouse (or wait until we have one to connect with if we are single). but when we truly look at it from the point of intimacy we begin to understand why god created sex at all.
i mean really, the procreation thing, god could have done it in another way. he could have made it so much easier to make babies. but his goal really wasn't babies, it was bigger than that. it was families, it was community. god knew that we would never experience intimacy if it were left up to us. that bond that comes from sex when it isn't abused is the most beautiful picture of god, communion, and his love for us. but we miss it. we don't get it. it's about intimacy. not stimulation. not babies. not even marriage building. it's a BIG picture for us to get a tiny glimpse into the eternal. into the trinity. into the nature of god. but it's been so distorted and so polluted that we can't even imagine it could be used for anything but making us feel better.
that 'one flesh' concept, if kept as god intended it, is meant to form a bond between a man and woman that is unachievable in any other form. that is why the devil works so hard to twist it, deform it and make it about me. just me. NOW!
liam and i will be married for 17 years in september. for the longest time i thought that god played a pretty sick joke on us. this will take some explaining, but i think we're not the only couple with these kind of extremes, so let me try to hash it out here.
we each have a love language that fills us. (book by gary chapman) liam's is physical touch. mine is quality time. here's the broken part. liam married a sexual abuse survivor who struggles with sexual addiction. bobbie married a workaholic who could work 80 hours a week if allowed. problems?? you bet. this is definitely 'not as i would have it'.
how did this happen? seems like a sick joke doesn't it? it did to me for a very long time. liam and i have been working through a 12 step book with another couple, and what did we find... the SAME thing is true in their marriage. i've spoken to a couple friends and have seen that their love languages have been at extreme opposites from their spouses too. why? sick joke of god? i don't think so any more. i honestly believe that we are drawn to that opposite so that we can truly find balance. that when we work at it we are both brought to the healthy center - where we long to be. it's all about intimacy.
when our marriage is working liam is not spending 80 hours at the church. i am not meeting my own needs or avoiding sex and physical touch. we are both drawn out of our dysfunction into 'function' for lack of a better word, and intimacy is achieved. not such a sick joke any more.
this isn't only about sex either. when i seek to meet my own needs for food i get into trouble. when i am satisfied with my 3 meals a day i am able to live in serenity. it's only when i allow god to meet those needs for me that my life functions as it should. when i seek to meet my needs on my own i will always land back in the place of struggle, difficulty and usually shame.
so god, i don't' want to be violet any more. just for today, help me find intimacy with both you, and liam. help me to be satisfied with you meeting my needs and not strive to meet them on my own. just for today.
if you would like to find out what your love language is you can take this online quiz (make sure your pop-up blocker is ON).
love language quiz
Thursday, June 17, 2004
the courage to change the things i can
courage. the best definition i have heard was that courage wasn't the absence of fear in a situation, but being afraid, and doing it anyway.
to change the things i can. having the mental space to be removed enough from my life to be able to start to examine my choices is probably one of the the first achievements in regaining my health and well being. it's what serenity does. it's not just about meditating on a mountain top removed from the world, but being able to accomplish life as we live it with healthy choices.
i see a spiritual director every year at the national youth workers convention when i attend with my husband. last september we were in phoenix and i was telling her of my deep temptation to chuck my life and move to a monastery. live the life of the contemplative nun.
it's difficult for me as a sexual abuse survivor, and a recovering sexual addict to be able to live in a healthy, fulfilling marriage. i would just rather slam the door to those parts of my life and pretend they never existed. abstinence is very attractive to me.
when i am sexual with liam there are many times that door of my past opens, the tapes in my head start to replay and i am either that terrified 6 year old girl or that whore of an addict. neither role is the woman i long to be, and neither are safe and comfortable.
my spiritual director drew a parallel for me that neither the whore or the nun can survive in society. both are 'set aside' from community and extremes on each end of the spectrum. and neither is truly healthy and balanced. so it is here, in the middle of that spectrum that i truly will find my healing and the woman that i long to be.
the courage to change the things i can...
the nun is safer for me, more spiritual and totally within my control. i like her, i want to be her, but she is not who god has chosen for me to be at this time. i am a woman, i am a wife and i am a mother among many other facets of my persona. today, just for today i must feed and care for my children, live in intimacy with my husband and engage in my community and make choices that are within my control.
change. what are the things that are within my control to change?
change for me used to mean everybody else. "if they would all get their lives together mine would be so much healthier." blame, blame, blame. i have learned that the only thing i really have control over is me and the way that i respond to a situation.
instead of controlling others or thinking i have control over myself because i can eat anything and everything i see i have found that that is a lie. that is not control, that is not freedom. that is slavery. control is being free enough to make the choices toward health and healing. believing the lie that my sexual sin is just hurting 'me' is choosing to believe that i am an island. my choices affect all those around me.
i remember that seinfeld about masterbation. are you 'master of your domain?' they actually understood a part of what a sexual addict tells themselves on a daily basis. 'i can do this, i can master this, i am stronger than this, i am master of my domain.' it didn't work on the show, and it doesn't work in real life. honest it doesn't. that is why the 12 steps do work. i am powerless over my addictions and my life has become unmanagable. and that doesn't come easily to the addict. the words just stick in our throats. "powerless? come on, i'm smarter than that. unmanagable? oh i can manage this, i'm bright, capable and 'master of my domain'."
sometimes courage comes in the form of admitting defeat. i am powerless, i cannot change on my own.
i choose today to change the way that i relate to the world around me; in a different way than the generations of my family did before me. to break the cycle and give hope to the legacy of my family after me.
sara groves, on her conversations cd has a song called generations. it is a vision. a true gift to adult children of alcoholics, to abuse survivors, to those who want to make choices to change the things they can. i am including the lyrics here for you to enjoy:
I can taste the fruit of Eve
I’m aware of sickness, death and disease
The results of our choices are vast
Eve was the first but she wasn’t the last
And if I were honest with myself
Had I been standing at that tree
My mouth and my hands would be covered with fruit
Things I shouldn’t know and things I shouldn’t see
Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
She taught me to fear the serpent
I’m learning the fear myself
And all of the things I am capable of
In my search for wisdom, acceptance and wealth
And to say that the devil made me do it
Is a cop out and a lie
The devil can’t make me do anything
When I’m calling on Jesus Christ
Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace, oh, live in peace
Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
Oh, remind me
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
Oh, I may never know
do yourself a favor and find that cd - it is truly beautiful and this song will inspire you as you make decisions and choices. realizing that our decisions truly have a much larger effect than only our own personal life and psyche is another break in chain of the bondage of addiction.
god, give me courage today to make changes. you are the god of change and creativity. help me be creative in my change. to be life giving and bring hope, to myself and those in my community. give me courage, courage like i've never had to face parts of me i've never seen. help me to live in today but dream of tomorrow.
to change the things i can. having the mental space to be removed enough from my life to be able to start to examine my choices is probably one of the the first achievements in regaining my health and well being. it's what serenity does. it's not just about meditating on a mountain top removed from the world, but being able to accomplish life as we live it with healthy choices.
i see a spiritual director every year at the national youth workers convention when i attend with my husband. last september we were in phoenix and i was telling her of my deep temptation to chuck my life and move to a monastery. live the life of the contemplative nun.
it's difficult for me as a sexual abuse survivor, and a recovering sexual addict to be able to live in a healthy, fulfilling marriage. i would just rather slam the door to those parts of my life and pretend they never existed. abstinence is very attractive to me.
when i am sexual with liam there are many times that door of my past opens, the tapes in my head start to replay and i am either that terrified 6 year old girl or that whore of an addict. neither role is the woman i long to be, and neither are safe and comfortable.
my spiritual director drew a parallel for me that neither the whore or the nun can survive in society. both are 'set aside' from community and extremes on each end of the spectrum. and neither is truly healthy and balanced. so it is here, in the middle of that spectrum that i truly will find my healing and the woman that i long to be.
the courage to change the things i can...
the nun is safer for me, more spiritual and totally within my control. i like her, i want to be her, but she is not who god has chosen for me to be at this time. i am a woman, i am a wife and i am a mother among many other facets of my persona. today, just for today i must feed and care for my children, live in intimacy with my husband and engage in my community and make choices that are within my control.
change. what are the things that are within my control to change?
change for me used to mean everybody else. "if they would all get their lives together mine would be so much healthier." blame, blame, blame. i have learned that the only thing i really have control over is me and the way that i respond to a situation.
instead of controlling others or thinking i have control over myself because i can eat anything and everything i see i have found that that is a lie. that is not control, that is not freedom. that is slavery. control is being free enough to make the choices toward health and healing. believing the lie that my sexual sin is just hurting 'me' is choosing to believe that i am an island. my choices affect all those around me.
i remember that seinfeld about masterbation. are you 'master of your domain?' they actually understood a part of what a sexual addict tells themselves on a daily basis. 'i can do this, i can master this, i am stronger than this, i am master of my domain.' it didn't work on the show, and it doesn't work in real life. honest it doesn't. that is why the 12 steps do work. i am powerless over my addictions and my life has become unmanagable. and that doesn't come easily to the addict. the words just stick in our throats. "powerless? come on, i'm smarter than that. unmanagable? oh i can manage this, i'm bright, capable and 'master of my domain'."
sometimes courage comes in the form of admitting defeat. i am powerless, i cannot change on my own.
i choose today to change the way that i relate to the world around me; in a different way than the generations of my family did before me. to break the cycle and give hope to the legacy of my family after me.
sara groves, on her conversations cd has a song called generations. it is a vision. a true gift to adult children of alcoholics, to abuse survivors, to those who want to make choices to change the things they can. i am including the lyrics here for you to enjoy:
I can taste the fruit of Eve
I’m aware of sickness, death and disease
The results of our choices are vast
Eve was the first but she wasn’t the last
And if I were honest with myself
Had I been standing at that tree
My mouth and my hands would be covered with fruit
Things I shouldn’t know and things I shouldn’t see
Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
She taught me to fear the serpent
I’m learning the fear myself
And all of the things I am capable of
In my search for wisdom, acceptance and wealth
And to say that the devil made me do it
Is a cop out and a lie
The devil can’t make me do anything
When I’m calling on Jesus Christ
Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace, oh, live in peace
Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
Oh, remind me
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
Oh, I may never know
do yourself a favor and find that cd - it is truly beautiful and this song will inspire you as you make decisions and choices. realizing that our decisions truly have a much larger effect than only our own personal life and psyche is another break in chain of the bondage of addiction.
god, give me courage today to make changes. you are the god of change and creativity. help me be creative in my change. to be life giving and bring hope, to myself and those in my community. give me courage, courage like i've never had to face parts of me i've never seen. help me to live in today but dream of tomorrow.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
anonymously yours
okay, so i stink at this anonymous thing. i used 'liam's' real name earlier this a.m. and i can hardly keep from talking about blogging in public... yikes. i need to say something really bad about someone around here so that i'll keep my mouth shut for fear of being found out! :)
the internet monk at his personal blog micheal spencer has commented on my brutal honesty and how open i've been. i'm honored that he would even read my blog, let alone write such nice things. it made me think i should explain some things about myself.
my church knows everything about my addictions. they did before they hired my husband. i stand in front of the celebrate recovery group at our church and admit to my sexual addiction and compulsive overeating. they have heard my testimony and i openly admit to my struggles.
the silly thing is that i'm 'hiding' because of my emergent views - i don't want 'liam' to get sacked because i swear in the basement again! :) it's mostly out of fear of that, and not about my addictions that i have chosen to be anonymous.
granted, it is helping that i am anonymous to give me courage to say some things raw that i might otherwise sanitize for your protection, but i really am okay with looking you in the face and having you know these things about me.
that's the beauty of the 12 steps. it breaks the power of shame in our lives.
michael mentioned that he didn't want this kind of thing happening in his living room. i totally 'get that' - but if i can use any of the stuff i've been through to help someone else - it's not wasted.
if i had to go through all of that crap for nothing it's totally worthless and god becomes a sadist again. (oh, i will be correcting this in my earlier posts - i used the term masochist, i meant sadist.)
i guess the other thing that i should tell you is that 'liam' already knows all of this stuff about me too. see what happens when you have people who know all of this stuff and still love you - that's when real intimacy happens. that's when life gets good. i don't have to live in fear that any of my secrets (other than my semi-heretical views...) are going to be exposed. i truly have no secrets. none.
it's liberating, freeing, and i truly think what god intended for us all along.
i think that the only reason paul didn't say he struggled with masturbation in the epistles is that it would have made those who didn't feel left out. we don't 'know' what his struggle was, and that's because every single one of us struggles with 'something' - insert your struggle 'here'. can't you just hear him 'the thing i know i shouldn't do, that's what i can't stop doing', and that thing i know i should do i just can't seem to find the energy for." come on, if he's not talking about masturbation here i'll eat my hat.
(see these are the kind of things we can't have the elders at my church find out i say...)
those of you who have written me know my real name. i truly am not hiding in shame from what i've written. yes, i would like to protect my father from having to be the pervert's father, and my aunts protected from exposing their pervert husbands, so those are reasons enough for me to be anonymous, but i truly, with all of my heart believe that my struggle can help you with yours.
anyway - tomorrow i'll be attempting to continue a 'part 2' of one of the 3 running narratives i've started. i'd be happy to answer any comments or questions (anonymous comments can be left on blogger).
the internet monk at his personal blog micheal spencer has commented on my brutal honesty and how open i've been. i'm honored that he would even read my blog, let alone write such nice things. it made me think i should explain some things about myself.
my church knows everything about my addictions. they did before they hired my husband. i stand in front of the celebrate recovery group at our church and admit to my sexual addiction and compulsive overeating. they have heard my testimony and i openly admit to my struggles.
the silly thing is that i'm 'hiding' because of my emergent views - i don't want 'liam' to get sacked because i swear in the basement again! :) it's mostly out of fear of that, and not about my addictions that i have chosen to be anonymous.
granted, it is helping that i am anonymous to give me courage to say some things raw that i might otherwise sanitize for your protection, but i really am okay with looking you in the face and having you know these things about me.
that's the beauty of the 12 steps. it breaks the power of shame in our lives.
michael mentioned that he didn't want this kind of thing happening in his living room. i totally 'get that' - but if i can use any of the stuff i've been through to help someone else - it's not wasted.
if i had to go through all of that crap for nothing it's totally worthless and god becomes a sadist again. (oh, i will be correcting this in my earlier posts - i used the term masochist, i meant sadist.)
i guess the other thing that i should tell you is that 'liam' already knows all of this stuff about me too. see what happens when you have people who know all of this stuff and still love you - that's when real intimacy happens. that's when life gets good. i don't have to live in fear that any of my secrets (other than my semi-heretical views...) are going to be exposed. i truly have no secrets. none.
it's liberating, freeing, and i truly think what god intended for us all along.
i think that the only reason paul didn't say he struggled with masturbation in the epistles is that it would have made those who didn't feel left out. we don't 'know' what his struggle was, and that's because every single one of us struggles with 'something' - insert your struggle 'here'. can't you just hear him 'the thing i know i shouldn't do, that's what i can't stop doing', and that thing i know i should do i just can't seem to find the energy for." come on, if he's not talking about masturbation here i'll eat my hat.
(see these are the kind of things we can't have the elders at my church find out i say...)
those of you who have written me know my real name. i truly am not hiding in shame from what i've written. yes, i would like to protect my father from having to be the pervert's father, and my aunts protected from exposing their pervert husbands, so those are reasons enough for me to be anonymous, but i truly, with all of my heart believe that my struggle can help you with yours.
anyway - tomorrow i'll be attempting to continue a 'part 2' of one of the 3 running narratives i've started. i'd be happy to answer any comments or questions (anonymous comments can be left on blogger).
Friday, June 04, 2004
i don't want to i have to - part one
'i don't want to i have to' is a joke my husband and i have for those tiny little compulsions you just can't seem to escape. things like placing something in it's 'exact location', straightening a picture or pushing a clear button every time you walk past a public blood pressure monitor at the pharmacy where i used to work. i didn't want to, i had to. compulsions are strange things.
i titled this post purposefully to echo the feelings i'm having in addressing this issue. my sexual addiction. i don't want to blog about it, i have to. breaking the public shame is enormous if the church is ever going to be able to help people trapped in the addiction of sexual behaviors.
james 5:16 says 'confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.' - i want healing more than anything, so i confess to you of my addictions. please if you are prone to pray, pray for my healing.
as stated below i started masturbating at a very young age, it truly had nothing to do with sex, it was comfort. i had no idea what i was doing. it felt good while i did it, but it brought me natural shame, i mean innate, from within kind of shame. not the kind that comes from others or teaching. somehow within me i knew it was 'wrong'. i didn't do it in public, it was hidden, secret. i don't know how my 11 year old mind knew this, but it did.
pornography was also readily accessible to me from a very young age. my parents became christians when i was 7 (shortly after the rape) and they immediately stopped drinking. they exchanged their alcoholism for most 'christian' addictions like workaholism, religiousity and food.
but i can remember that there were playboy magazines in our bathroom from my earliest of memories. it was the early 70's and women were told by the culture that it was now socially acceptable for their men to publically view pornagraphy.
i can't imagine how my mother survived this. i hate hugh hefner. i pray the grace of god is never extended to that man. i know it's horrible, but i blame him for many of the abuses i have had to suffer as a woman. he made it 'socially acceptable', broke through the stigma and made it 'normal'. but that's another post for another time.
after my parents became christians the pornography was removed from our home (i'm sure my mother was relieved). but i sought it out anywhere i could find it. something about it was titilating, naughty and exciting.
it wasn't about the images, it wasn't about the women, it was just about the obsession i had for sex. somewhere in the brokenness of my childhood sex = intimacy. and that is what i longed for (still long for) more than anything.
that's the diabolical nature of pornography - the devil just distorts things a notch to take was is beautiful and make it obscene. (i don't mean that in the xxx way - but the obscenity that comes from the gross distortion of something beautiful).
because of my own parent's addictions (i suspect they had sexual addictions of their own too) their shame prevented them from ever educating me in any way about this matter. and this is the key here - shame.
shame is what drives every addiction - (i will be posting my theories about shame in detail soon) and what keeps us from talking/teaching/addressing this issue in particular. our own sin in this area makes us feel as if we can't address because it cuts too close to the bone.
the nature of obsessions and compulsions is that we do them without thinking - because thinking is exactly what we are trying to avoid. if we have to think, we have to feel, and the feelings are just too enormous and painful to acknowledge. so we become programmed into the behavior and participate without being able to break through to the why.
and until we get to the 'why' we will never be free. i don't eat because i'm hungry, i eat because i'm lonely. i didn't masturbate because i was horny (sorry, but that's the only word i could think of...) i masturbated because i was ashamed.
it wasn't until i had some victories with my food addictions that i was even able to begin to address my sexual addictions.
the times in my childhood that i used masturbation were times when i was in bed, either daydreaming, fantasizing, feeling afraid or wanting to fall asleep and not have to have silence for my thoughts. my mother was the queen of 'go away, no come back'. it was like i had an elastic band in my back that she would yank any time she wanted me around, and then she would smoke to get rid of me. it worked.
when she smoked the only place i could get away was in my room. i hated cigarette smoke, no really, i HATED it. the man who raped me was holding a cigarette/cigar right next to my head during the whole thing. so any time i was able to gasp for a breath it was smoke filled. smelling smoke makes me fill with a rage that took me a long time to identify.
so time in my room became escape time. my reality was so distasteful that escape was my way of freeing myself. fantasy became my life. the world i created in my head was so much more real and wonderful to me. but it left me very lonely. horribly lonely. and masturbation made me feel (for the minute it took) like i wasn't alone, or like i was 'in control' somehow. (gosh this is harder than i even dreaded it would be).
it wasn't until jr. high (i think the movie porky's was the 'key') that my fantasy life became sexual. and that masturbation was linked (or even defined) for my young mind. (i just googled porky's and it didn't come out until 1981, so it must have been something else... i'll have to ponder what it was).
well, i best get my real life started for the day. i'll blog more later. thank you for your prayers.
i titled this post purposefully to echo the feelings i'm having in addressing this issue. my sexual addiction. i don't want to blog about it, i have to. breaking the public shame is enormous if the church is ever going to be able to help people trapped in the addiction of sexual behaviors.
james 5:16 says 'confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.' - i want healing more than anything, so i confess to you of my addictions. please if you are prone to pray, pray for my healing.
as stated below i started masturbating at a very young age, it truly had nothing to do with sex, it was comfort. i had no idea what i was doing. it felt good while i did it, but it brought me natural shame, i mean innate, from within kind of shame. not the kind that comes from others or teaching. somehow within me i knew it was 'wrong'. i didn't do it in public, it was hidden, secret. i don't know how my 11 year old mind knew this, but it did.
pornography was also readily accessible to me from a very young age. my parents became christians when i was 7 (shortly after the rape) and they immediately stopped drinking. they exchanged their alcoholism for most 'christian' addictions like workaholism, religiousity and food.
but i can remember that there were playboy magazines in our bathroom from my earliest of memories. it was the early 70's and women were told by the culture that it was now socially acceptable for their men to publically view pornagraphy.
i can't imagine how my mother survived this. i hate hugh hefner. i pray the grace of god is never extended to that man. i know it's horrible, but i blame him for many of the abuses i have had to suffer as a woman. he made it 'socially acceptable', broke through the stigma and made it 'normal'. but that's another post for another time.
after my parents became christians the pornography was removed from our home (i'm sure my mother was relieved). but i sought it out anywhere i could find it. something about it was titilating, naughty and exciting.
it wasn't about the images, it wasn't about the women, it was just about the obsession i had for sex. somewhere in the brokenness of my childhood sex = intimacy. and that is what i longed for (still long for) more than anything.
that's the diabolical nature of pornography - the devil just distorts things a notch to take was is beautiful and make it obscene. (i don't mean that in the xxx way - but the obscenity that comes from the gross distortion of something beautiful).
because of my own parent's addictions (i suspect they had sexual addictions of their own too) their shame prevented them from ever educating me in any way about this matter. and this is the key here - shame.
shame is what drives every addiction - (i will be posting my theories about shame in detail soon) and what keeps us from talking/teaching/addressing this issue in particular. our own sin in this area makes us feel as if we can't address because it cuts too close to the bone.
the nature of obsessions and compulsions is that we do them without thinking - because thinking is exactly what we are trying to avoid. if we have to think, we have to feel, and the feelings are just too enormous and painful to acknowledge. so we become programmed into the behavior and participate without being able to break through to the why.
and until we get to the 'why' we will never be free. i don't eat because i'm hungry, i eat because i'm lonely. i didn't masturbate because i was horny (sorry, but that's the only word i could think of...) i masturbated because i was ashamed.
it wasn't until i had some victories with my food addictions that i was even able to begin to address my sexual addictions.
the times in my childhood that i used masturbation were times when i was in bed, either daydreaming, fantasizing, feeling afraid or wanting to fall asleep and not have to have silence for my thoughts. my mother was the queen of 'go away, no come back'. it was like i had an elastic band in my back that she would yank any time she wanted me around, and then she would smoke to get rid of me. it worked.
when she smoked the only place i could get away was in my room. i hated cigarette smoke, no really, i HATED it. the man who raped me was holding a cigarette/cigar right next to my head during the whole thing. so any time i was able to gasp for a breath it was smoke filled. smelling smoke makes me fill with a rage that took me a long time to identify.
so time in my room became escape time. my reality was so distasteful that escape was my way of freeing myself. fantasy became my life. the world i created in my head was so much more real and wonderful to me. but it left me very lonely. horribly lonely. and masturbation made me feel (for the minute it took) like i wasn't alone, or like i was 'in control' somehow. (gosh this is harder than i even dreaded it would be).
it wasn't until jr. high (i think the movie porky's was the 'key') that my fantasy life became sexual. and that masturbation was linked (or even defined) for my young mind. (i just googled porky's and it didn't come out until 1981, so it must have been something else... i'll have to ponder what it was).
well, i best get my real life started for the day. i'll blog more later. thank you for your prayers.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
fighting temptations
so much has been written on this subject i hesitate to even address it, but i've never heard my little rituals taught or spoken on before, so maybe they might help other people who struggle with addictions or compulsive behaviors??
today is day 1599 of my abstinence. tomorrow will be 1600 days linked together, but for today, just for today i commit to my abstinence.
the first thing i did was realize that it can only happen with baby steps. when you have a mountain to climb looking at the whole thing is far too discouraging. and i work better with tiny little steps that bring me victory - and then the victory spurs me on to another tiny step.
my first step was to eat three meals a day. i know for you without food issues this sounds so basic and stupid. duh. but for me i would always skip breakfast, always. i was too busy, not hungry, whatever - so by forcing myself to sit down and eat breakfast i was taking control of my food/appetite first thing in the day. ritual is important, it builds rhythm and starts to build positive habits to replace the negative destructive ones.
i did that for 2 weeks. then the next move i made was to limit myself to those three meals and a snack. and this was when it began to be more difficult. so i broke the day down. i would pray from the time i opened my eyes "dear god, please get me to breakfast without binging", and if i had to pray that prayer 10x i did. and at breakfast i prayed "dear god, thank you for getting me to breakfast without binging. now please get me to lunch without binging." and again, every time i was tempted i prayed, changed what i was doing if it was too hard or went out on the porch (or outside at work) to get a breath of fresh air, and prayed. then at lunch, well, i think you get the picture. breaking up the day into 6 sections (wake-breakfast, breakfast-lunch, lunch-dinner, dinner-snack, snack-bed, bed-wake) gave me manageable portions in the day, and small victories to power the engine of my recovery. one day at a time.
that's all i kept telling myself. i can do this just for today.
once those two weeks were up i headed toward chocolate. i knew it was a trigger food for me, and that when i ate it it was like a drug, i became emotionally affected by it, i knew it had to go. so, just for today i can not eat chocolate. i ate everything else (candy and junk food i wanted as part of my meals) but i didn't eat chocolate.
this was the most difficult part. i couldn't watch commercials, go shopping or have anything in the house. you need support, really strong support at this point in your recovery. my husband did the grocer shopping for me, and i watched tv with the remote in my hand. i cried, i spit and i prayed. once i got it out of my system though it wasn't as awful as i thought it would be. it's never easy, but it did get easier. when i did have to go into a store i would sit in my car and pray "dear god, you know i have to get these 3 things. please get me in and out of that store without buying anything not on my list and binging."
i maintained that for a couple of months before i addressed the sugar. and i did the sugar in the exact same way.
once i was able to get rid of the sugar i had serenity.
this for me was not about loosing weight, not about diet, not about getting thin. it was about recovery, healing and mental health. if the other stuff happened it was a side benefit. i wanted to create something that could be maintained for the rest of my life.
please know that i was in a support group and counseling during this time. i eat for emotional reasons - not because i'm hungry. those reasons are the causes of my addictions. my need to self comfort came from an ugly place of loneliness and anger, fear and self-loathing. shame and loneliness are my two biggest triggers.
it wasn't until my second abstinence (when i got pregnant with my son i wasn't ready for it and 'fell off the wagon' and we moved at the same time to a horrible little town in nowhere ontario canada) that i was able to deal with a sexual abstinence. i will explain that process at a different time.
this abstinence i currently have consists of no chocolate, no sugar (i do allow myself an occasional muffin or piece of banana bread, jello salad at a pot luck - but they don't cause me to binge) daily reading/devotional time with god and no masturbation/pornography.
(yuck, i didn't like having to type those last two words...)
i think i'm going to have to bite the bullet tomorrow and start to blog about my sexual addiction. please pray for me. i know that this is necessary, but it is mucking up a bit (okay, a lot) of shame, and as i stated above shame is a big trigger for me. i have been struggling with my food (not off limit stuff, just portion sizes, etc.) since addressing the more difficult subjects). thanks.
today is day 1599 of my abstinence. tomorrow will be 1600 days linked together, but for today, just for today i commit to my abstinence.
the first thing i did was realize that it can only happen with baby steps. when you have a mountain to climb looking at the whole thing is far too discouraging. and i work better with tiny little steps that bring me victory - and then the victory spurs me on to another tiny step.
my first step was to eat three meals a day. i know for you without food issues this sounds so basic and stupid. duh. but for me i would always skip breakfast, always. i was too busy, not hungry, whatever - so by forcing myself to sit down and eat breakfast i was taking control of my food/appetite first thing in the day. ritual is important, it builds rhythm and starts to build positive habits to replace the negative destructive ones.
i did that for 2 weeks. then the next move i made was to limit myself to those three meals and a snack. and this was when it began to be more difficult. so i broke the day down. i would pray from the time i opened my eyes "dear god, please get me to breakfast without binging", and if i had to pray that prayer 10x i did. and at breakfast i prayed "dear god, thank you for getting me to breakfast without binging. now please get me to lunch without binging." and again, every time i was tempted i prayed, changed what i was doing if it was too hard or went out on the porch (or outside at work) to get a breath of fresh air, and prayed. then at lunch, well, i think you get the picture. breaking up the day into 6 sections (wake-breakfast, breakfast-lunch, lunch-dinner, dinner-snack, snack-bed, bed-wake) gave me manageable portions in the day, and small victories to power the engine of my recovery. one day at a time.
that's all i kept telling myself. i can do this just for today.
once those two weeks were up i headed toward chocolate. i knew it was a trigger food for me, and that when i ate it it was like a drug, i became emotionally affected by it, i knew it had to go. so, just for today i can not eat chocolate. i ate everything else (candy and junk food i wanted as part of my meals) but i didn't eat chocolate.
this was the most difficult part. i couldn't watch commercials, go shopping or have anything in the house. you need support, really strong support at this point in your recovery. my husband did the grocer shopping for me, and i watched tv with the remote in my hand. i cried, i spit and i prayed. once i got it out of my system though it wasn't as awful as i thought it would be. it's never easy, but it did get easier. when i did have to go into a store i would sit in my car and pray "dear god, you know i have to get these 3 things. please get me in and out of that store without buying anything not on my list and binging."
i maintained that for a couple of months before i addressed the sugar. and i did the sugar in the exact same way.
once i was able to get rid of the sugar i had serenity.
this for me was not about loosing weight, not about diet, not about getting thin. it was about recovery, healing and mental health. if the other stuff happened it was a side benefit. i wanted to create something that could be maintained for the rest of my life.
please know that i was in a support group and counseling during this time. i eat for emotional reasons - not because i'm hungry. those reasons are the causes of my addictions. my need to self comfort came from an ugly place of loneliness and anger, fear and self-loathing. shame and loneliness are my two biggest triggers.
it wasn't until my second abstinence (when i got pregnant with my son i wasn't ready for it and 'fell off the wagon' and we moved at the same time to a horrible little town in nowhere ontario canada) that i was able to deal with a sexual abstinence. i will explain that process at a different time.
this abstinence i currently have consists of no chocolate, no sugar (i do allow myself an occasional muffin or piece of banana bread, jello salad at a pot luck - but they don't cause me to binge) daily reading/devotional time with god and no masturbation/pornography.
(yuck, i didn't like having to type those last two words...)
i think i'm going to have to bite the bullet tomorrow and start to blog about my sexual addiction. please pray for me. i know that this is necessary, but it is mucking up a bit (okay, a lot) of shame, and as i stated above shame is a big trigger for me. i have been struggling with my food (not off limit stuff, just portion sizes, etc.) since addressing the more difficult subjects). thanks.
another piece to the puzzle
one of the things about traumatic abuse and neglect is that it screws with your memories. i didn't remember the rape until 2 years ago, and since then little pieces of the puzzle fall in place from time to time.
i've been thinking a lot about my sexual addiction and how to begin to blog about it, and i was talking with a friend about mpd (multiple personality disorder) and i remembered seeing the movie sybil as a child and how it seared itself on my mind. i googled it thinking i'd like to see it again as an adult and realized it was a made for tv movie in 1976.
it was then i started to remember. i was 11. somehow the babysitter (i think it was my grandmother) had fallen asleep and i got to stay up way past my bedtime and i watched the movie. i can still see the enema scene like it is branded on the back of my eyelids.
what i just realized is that seeing sybil's abuse awakened something in me that i didn't understand and had no ability to process. it left me feeling afraid again, alone and vulnerable. that is when i began to self-comfort. that is when i began to masturbate. that is when food became my best friend.
i never could remember before when or why or how it all started. it was when i saw the date 1976 that things started to make sense for me. 11 is such a confusing age for girls, development begins and hormones are causing havoc.
something else happened at that time for me - i became unsafe. my father stopped showing me affection. my sister (3 years younger) was still an innocent child, but me, i was becoming a woman, and my father had no idea what to do with me. in the concrete thinking of the 11 year old mind i had done something wrong, something shameful. i didn't know what it was, but i was to blame.
wow. it used to take me months of therapy to pull those kind of things apart. i guess good therapy helps you get to the place where you can start to process things on your own. i like it when the puzzle of my life starts to make more sense.
i've been thinking a lot about my sexual addiction and how to begin to blog about it, and i was talking with a friend about mpd (multiple personality disorder) and i remembered seeing the movie sybil as a child and how it seared itself on my mind. i googled it thinking i'd like to see it again as an adult and realized it was a made for tv movie in 1976.
it was then i started to remember. i was 11. somehow the babysitter (i think it was my grandmother) had fallen asleep and i got to stay up way past my bedtime and i watched the movie. i can still see the enema scene like it is branded on the back of my eyelids.
what i just realized is that seeing sybil's abuse awakened something in me that i didn't understand and had no ability to process. it left me feeling afraid again, alone and vulnerable. that is when i began to self-comfort. that is when i began to masturbate. that is when food became my best friend.
i never could remember before when or why or how it all started. it was when i saw the date 1976 that things started to make sense for me. 11 is such a confusing age for girls, development begins and hormones are causing havoc.
something else happened at that time for me - i became unsafe. my father stopped showing me affection. my sister (3 years younger) was still an innocent child, but me, i was becoming a woman, and my father had no idea what to do with me. in the concrete thinking of the 11 year old mind i had done something wrong, something shameful. i didn't know what it was, but i was to blame.
wow. it used to take me months of therapy to pull those kind of things apart. i guess good therapy helps you get to the place where you can start to process things on your own. i like it when the puzzle of my life starts to make more sense.
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