sleepily turned off the computer before i remembered that i hadn't blogged for the day. oh so tired. brain is on shut down mode, but i am here. keeping my commitment and logging in. physically back to an even keel today, although the energy i awoke with depleted very quickly. woman at work told me that the norwalk virus is what is going around, that would make sense. this wasn't just the flu. so the exhaustion is normal.
nice at least to be back to an appetite and eating my 3 meals. my body feels more like itself again. i don't weigh myself, but it's still tempting. just happy to know that my appetite has shrunk and so has my body.
we leave on our mini vacay on thursday, not sure what kind of access i will have to internet, but i should be able to access wi-fi somewhere. daughter's friend is having hard time finding coverage for her shift. she is convinced more than anything that she will be disappointed. it's heartbreaking. she has the similar personality trait from liam of predicting all of the horrible things that could happen, or how someone will react negatively but throws in a bit of my personality trait that makes it highly personal and fatalistic in regards to her. liam is able to make it outside of himself, but her doom and gloom is all internal. how can she have gotten the worst of both of us?
she started therapy last month, just a casual interaction to monitor her. we have seen signs of some real struggle and knew that she would benefit, she was willing and i think it was a good move. this is a brutal time for her and she is socially so challenged. there is little i can do as i have always known that my influence and involvement would become peripheral and that others would begin to be needed. we have always been the people who were there for other peoples kids enough to know that we would need others around for ours too. so thankful that we have them.
i am just finding it so difficult to not take her moods personally. to rise above... i have seen mothers react tot heir daughters like they are siblings instead of mother/daughter - it is so tempting to want to give back in spades what is dished out, especially when i am not feeling well, but i have refrained.
am learning much to look back at my own relationship with my mother. giving far more grace than i have ever given. understanding that my emotional make up would have made it very difficult to navigate. i know it's why i spent very little time at home at this stage of my life... regretting that my daughter does not have the same outlets i did. a safe camp to work at, filled with people who will teach her how to work and grow. i want that for her. i tend to reinforce the weakest parts of her instead of strengthening. i hate that.
wish i had something pithy and intelligent to say to wrap all of this up, i don't. i am falling asleep at the keys. doesn't really matter anyway, it's just for me.
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