day 19 - following the thread

went back to bed after the kids left for school and slept until 12:30 - i have not done that in forever, i literally cannot remember when i have had that opportunity. it felt like such a guilty pleasure. i know i needed it, weekend was sleepless and i drove to and from the cottage, so i was bagged out and came home to lots of work. felt good to rest.

found out that i missed my therapy appointment last week, kicking myself, would have helped SO much... so that means i don't have one tomorrow... not until next week now... blergh.

really wanted the clarity that comes with talking things through.

woke up in tears last night. had to sit with where they came from and realized that my dearest aunt is missing from my life. she had another brush with cancer in the fall, and i guess it freaked me out so much that i stopped calling her. my dad lives with her, and i haven't called him either - but she i miss... desperately... i guess i just couldn't bear the possibility of losing her, and so i lost her anyway. i have never had that kind of midnight episode. guess i'm bottling things up pretty tight during the day, tears have been quite close to me today. i guess that is good and healthy, but it feels pretty out of control, and i guess i'm not as good at that as i once used to be.

i started another step 4 today. i know it's going to be significant. it will help me to unravel some of the emotional stuff, especially my resentments, envy and anger i have been carrying around. it was just the first tiny step, listing people, institutions and principles - i have a good start on one of the reasons why i am in this place. hopefully more than one, but at least my list is honest and i am doing my best to be fearless.

i saw a small video about the word "clue" the other day called Mysteries of Vernacular - and it originally meant "a ball of yarn or thread". it comes from the story of the minotaur - to get back out of the maze after fighting the minotaur theseus was given a ball of yarn by ariadne to find his way back out of the maze. i thought that was fascinating and felt important, i have spoken of threads and clues and the idea that they might be the way back out of this emotional/spiritual/metaphorical maze i find myself gives me a small glimmer of hope. holding on to the thread tonight with all i've got.