one of the new, fascinating (and suprising) benefits of blogging is that i have somehow been added to a list of bloggers who love books. i have been getting quite a few lately from publishers or pr firms and as a hopeful author i can imagine that getting your book into the hands of people who would most appreciate it might be more difficult, than we all who have never published, might imagine.
i have been trying to think of a way to honor these authors without writing reviews. for the most part, i'm not a critical person, especially when it's something so personal as words and writing. so to critique the books is not my style. i would like my blog to be helpful to emerging authors, so at least once a month i've decided to begin a 'feature book' section. i will tell you upfront if this was a book provided for free, or if this is one that i am just so passionate about i actually parted with some $$ for. the book i'm starting with is:
The Seeker's Way by Dave Fleming.
i have asked dave some questions about the process and the book and hopefully it will inspire you to follow that link to amazon and buy the book yourself.
what influences shaped the writing of this book?
My own spiritual background influenced the book. Of course, one's own
background can be an ally or an enemy in the writing process. I had a
great editor who, I believe, helped me keep my background an asset.
I grew up in the evangelical milieu and found myself, for many years,
longing to find a more expansive faith than what is often found in
evangelicalism. One of my frustrations with evangelicals is the emphasis
on "never to be questioned answers." Answers have become the foundation
of spirituality rather than experience of God (the Mystery). I wanted to
write a book that challenged this notion, without doing it in an
antagonistic fashion. I didn't want to dishonor anyone in the book, but
rather show parts of my own struggle that led me to a different view of
faith and life.
I don't believe the spiritual life is simply about finding the right
answers and then being satisfied that those answers ARE the sum total of
the spiritual life. The book, therefore, is an exploration of a
spiritual journey that is grounded in the cultivation of
longings-longings that open us to God and take us beyond our own
answers, without negating the need for core beliefs.
The people I interviewed in the book also influenced the book in a big way.
you weave the stories of seven seekers into the content of the book.
talk a little about why you decided to add these seekers to the book and
who they are.
I chose people who have influenced me and whose writings seem to me to
embody some element of the seeker's way. I did not choose them because I
agree with everything they postulate in their writings. Rather, because
there is something in the quality of their writing that showed me they
were authentic seekers. I spent time with each person and in that
face-to-face time my suspicions were confirmed. I found each person an
authentic seeker of God. The people I interviewed:
Wayne Teasedale
Alan Jones
Marcus Borg
Phil Gulley/Jim Mulholland
Lauren Winner
Joan Chittister
okay, now i'm jealous! what would you say is the dominant theme of the book? talk about the interviews. that did you learn? how did you conduct them?
The dominant theme of the book is that life is not a static event, but
an ever-unfolding and dynamic journey that invites us to seek God and
pursue a vibrant existence. Each longing helps us do just that. Each
interview only confirmed that reality to me. As I met with each person,
in his or her own way, they all expressed a similar idea. I enjoyed the
interview process itself. I used a form of interview-based research for
my doctoral dissertation. It was fun to use some of those ideas in my
interviews for this book, notably to watch patterns emerge and learn
what those emerging patterns might teach me. Writing the book was itself
a microcosm of the seeker's way.
in the book, you call god 'the mystery'. what do you mean by this and why do use that word for god?
I am indebted to the great Adrian van Kaam for this designation. The
Mystery is a term he used to describe God. I can't think of a better
word to use. God is so beyond our conceptions. When I use the word
Mystery I am recognizing that reality. I don't mean by the word that we
cannot experience God.
The Mystery can be known. Mystery does not mean confusing or confining,
but rather One who is beyond us and yet simultaneously immanent.
you talk about starting seekers groups. can you explain what a seekers group is and how one could start a group with other seekers?
I encourage people to form seekers groups in order to explore their
spirituality. A seekers group find its common ground around the dynamic
of seeking the Mystery. They may or may not share the same theology.
They do, however, share the same desire to know God in the present
moment of life.
I was in the same seeker group for 10 years and it radically changed my
life. I pursued a spiritual life with others who were reading and
thinking along the same lines as I. Again, we didn't always agree, but
we always supported each other's journey. I think this kind of community
is critical to living an authentic life. We really do need the support
of others who can walk with us, challenge and comfort us; and we can do
the same in return.
In the book I give a number of ways a seeker group can form. Many form
around the reading of books-almost a book club with an eye toward the
spiritual life, if you will. There are other ways a group could get the
conversation going. I offer several suggestions in the book.
thanks dave! i really love the term 'mystery' - that is one of the best names for god that i have heard, and may adopt it myself. if you are interested in starting a seeker's group or would like more information you can find dave's website here.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
the power to bless
i don't know if it's because of the abuse, any neglect or my church of origin that i have this distorted need for male approval, but in this area of my life i would be classified as 'high needs'. whether it was coaches, teachers, professors, bosses or my father i learned to recreate myself into whatever was needed by those men to meet their needs or gain their attention so that there may be a chance of some approval or validation.
unfortunately i became really good at the recreating part, but not very good at the realizing the pay off was never really worth the work.
i have been more involved lately at our church with the '40 days' stuff coming up and it has brought me into a lot more contact with the staff and leadership and has also emboiled me into the politics. i, like parker palmer writes, am drained by institutions, they make me angry and stressed. palmer speaks of his love for the educatational system, but his complete frustration every time it sucked him in. this is my love/hate relationship with the church. when i'm not involved or sucked into the church i can resist the politics, but as soon as i step in, my boundaries are so weak that i become a stressed-out zealot and emotionally tied into even the simplest of controversy. so in my time of non-involvement (except with the youth program) i forgot to be working on strengthing my boundaries so that i didn't get so suprised at how quickly these politics drain my batteries.
after our meeting at the church last night i came home feeling sucked in, i was marginalized and a couple of times used as the brunt of jokes. i guess i must seem like i have thicker skin than i actually do.
i spent the morning venting to liam, and then to my girlfriend who is an elder's wife and loves me dearly. it was very freeing and helpful. but it also raked up the inability our church has to honor effort and encourage and bless involvement, no matter how small.
this, tied into my overactive need for male approval and made me grieve once again how those who have the power to bless, when they choose not to, leave such a lack and a void in the lives of those they could have almost effortlessly helped. needless to say there were many tears in those coversations this morning and i left them feeling very empty and very fragile.
as i opened my email today someone i respect and appreciate, who i look up to and have grown to love, took the time to email me the most moving, heart-felt letter. i wish i could explain the lifeline that was to me. it felt like a blood transfusion, or the oasis in a dry and desert land. he saw my heart, heard me and spoke love and truth into those starving places of my soul. oh what a gift he has and he passed on to me.
i literally wept, called liam to read over my shoulder, because some of it was addressed to him too, and then i printed it out and took it to my room to re-read and hold to my chest like a warm hug. it is now stored safely in my journal so i can re-read it when i need a lift.
wes said things to me i have always longed for my father to say. spoke of things i hoped my senior pastor might notice. and inspired me to keep going and not give up. the power to bless. it is mighty and it is so needed.
i would be so bold to say that when we have that power, and are stingy with it, it is sinful. how simple it is to notice, to step across our comfort zones and to speak truth and love into someone's thirsty soul. very simple, but not easy.
wes, you are so kind, you honor me with your friendship and leadership, you and judy are true gems in the kingdom. thank you for taking the time to bless me. you don't know how badly i needed those words, at that exact moment. i am very, very grateful. may god bless you as much as you have blessed me!
unfortunately i became really good at the recreating part, but not very good at the realizing the pay off was never really worth the work.
i have been more involved lately at our church with the '40 days' stuff coming up and it has brought me into a lot more contact with the staff and leadership and has also emboiled me into the politics. i, like parker palmer writes, am drained by institutions, they make me angry and stressed. palmer speaks of his love for the educatational system, but his complete frustration every time it sucked him in. this is my love/hate relationship with the church. when i'm not involved or sucked into the church i can resist the politics, but as soon as i step in, my boundaries are so weak that i become a stressed-out zealot and emotionally tied into even the simplest of controversy. so in my time of non-involvement (except with the youth program) i forgot to be working on strengthing my boundaries so that i didn't get so suprised at how quickly these politics drain my batteries.
after our meeting at the church last night i came home feeling sucked in, i was marginalized and a couple of times used as the brunt of jokes. i guess i must seem like i have thicker skin than i actually do.
i spent the morning venting to liam, and then to my girlfriend who is an elder's wife and loves me dearly. it was very freeing and helpful. but it also raked up the inability our church has to honor effort and encourage and bless involvement, no matter how small.
this, tied into my overactive need for male approval and made me grieve once again how those who have the power to bless, when they choose not to, leave such a lack and a void in the lives of those they could have almost effortlessly helped. needless to say there were many tears in those coversations this morning and i left them feeling very empty and very fragile.
as i opened my email today someone i respect and appreciate, who i look up to and have grown to love, took the time to email me the most moving, heart-felt letter. i wish i could explain the lifeline that was to me. it felt like a blood transfusion, or the oasis in a dry and desert land. he saw my heart, heard me and spoke love and truth into those starving places of my soul. oh what a gift he has and he passed on to me.
i literally wept, called liam to read over my shoulder, because some of it was addressed to him too, and then i printed it out and took it to my room to re-read and hold to my chest like a warm hug. it is now stored safely in my journal so i can re-read it when i need a lift.
wes said things to me i have always longed for my father to say. spoke of things i hoped my senior pastor might notice. and inspired me to keep going and not give up. the power to bless. it is mighty and it is so needed.
i would be so bold to say that when we have that power, and are stingy with it, it is sinful. how simple it is to notice, to step across our comfort zones and to speak truth and love into someone's thirsty soul. very simple, but not easy.
wes, you are so kind, you honor me with your friendship and leadership, you and judy are true gems in the kingdom. thank you for taking the time to bless me. you don't know how badly i needed those words, at that exact moment. i am very, very grateful. may god bless you as much as you have blessed me!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
frailty
i don't do 'frail' well. i can own my weaknesses and moral failings, but the idea of being thought weak and frail rubs against everything within me. yet i do know that in many ways i am frail. i have stress points in the frame of my soul that when pressed cause me to crumble.
i am not a medically trained person, but i did hear somewhere that when a bone breaks the healing process makes the area of the break stronger. i think that happens too in the healing of the soul. there are areas of my soul that have been wounded. they are healing and strength returns with each step. but if these areas are used by other people or myself to recall shame or wound me, i crumble.
the best thing about being addicted to redemption is that those weaknesses, as i turn them over, are healed and redeemed, and then used to glorify THEM in wonderful and surprising ways.
something incredible is happening here at our church. it started with liam's sermon a couple of weeks ago. he owned his weaknesses in front of the congregation and they responded, oh how they responded. we are still hearing amazing things about how that touched lives.
the most frustrating thing about serving here has been the 'perfection image' that the senior pastor and some of the leadership felt they had to project. it runs counter to everything i believe and hold true. i felt as if i was diametrically different to everything they held up as 'fit for service'. it has been incredibly frustrating and disheartening to keep going and to hold fast to the things i know to be true. all the while being held away from the ability to use my weaknesses and strengths in active ministry outside of the youth program.
it got to the place where real resentment, anger and loathing were building to the point of causing bitterness. i knew that the only way to stop this was to begin to pray for them. to come before god and pray. the problem was that i was unable to honestly pray for anything life giving because of this bitterness.
so the only honest prayer i could pray was 'crack the door lord, i don't know any other way to pray, just please crack the door.'
i told liam this morning that it was really a pretty faithless prayer - it was almost a challenge to god - "they'll never be real, but somehow, some way help them to find that they don't have to project perfection to minister".
sunday was the first signs of the crack in the door. i think the pastor came home from his mission trip and was flooded with responses to liam's and the other staff's sermons - they were grace filled and honest. i think he saw the tide shifting and realized that it was moving without him. it's baby steps, but that's what a crack is isn't it? that's where it has to start. that's where the LIGHT gets in. i'm still skeptical, but very encouraged.
my new prayer is 'open the door lord, heck, take it off it's hinges...' that's a prayer i'm praying in my life too.
last night at recovery i heard from my friend who was giving the lead that the senior pastor snuck in and was standing at the back corner of the room. there is nothing else in the world that i want more than for all of us to be on the same page, not my page, but god's page. nothing more. it has been my heart's desire since we arrived. my constant hope and prayer. i constantly was questioning 'why are we here god? why am i here?'
tears are falling as i write this because i know now that god did hear that faithless prayer, and it's THEIR heart for the leadership and our church to own their frailty so THEY can be glorified.
liam read this quote this morning:
i look at the momentum of an avalanche, or the incredible power of a blizzard - our frailties individually are easily used to melt away at us. but together we can affect great change.
dear god, would that it could be so today.
i am not a medically trained person, but i did hear somewhere that when a bone breaks the healing process makes the area of the break stronger. i think that happens too in the healing of the soul. there are areas of my soul that have been wounded. they are healing and strength returns with each step. but if these areas are used by other people or myself to recall shame or wound me, i crumble.
the best thing about being addicted to redemption is that those weaknesses, as i turn them over, are healed and redeemed, and then used to glorify THEM in wonderful and surprising ways.
something incredible is happening here at our church. it started with liam's sermon a couple of weeks ago. he owned his weaknesses in front of the congregation and they responded, oh how they responded. we are still hearing amazing things about how that touched lives.
the most frustrating thing about serving here has been the 'perfection image' that the senior pastor and some of the leadership felt they had to project. it runs counter to everything i believe and hold true. i felt as if i was diametrically different to everything they held up as 'fit for service'. it has been incredibly frustrating and disheartening to keep going and to hold fast to the things i know to be true. all the while being held away from the ability to use my weaknesses and strengths in active ministry outside of the youth program.
it got to the place where real resentment, anger and loathing were building to the point of causing bitterness. i knew that the only way to stop this was to begin to pray for them. to come before god and pray. the problem was that i was unable to honestly pray for anything life giving because of this bitterness.
so the only honest prayer i could pray was 'crack the door lord, i don't know any other way to pray, just please crack the door.'
i told liam this morning that it was really a pretty faithless prayer - it was almost a challenge to god - "they'll never be real, but somehow, some way help them to find that they don't have to project perfection to minister".
sunday was the first signs of the crack in the door. i think the pastor came home from his mission trip and was flooded with responses to liam's and the other staff's sermons - they were grace filled and honest. i think he saw the tide shifting and realized that it was moving without him. it's baby steps, but that's what a crack is isn't it? that's where it has to start. that's where the LIGHT gets in. i'm still skeptical, but very encouraged.
my new prayer is 'open the door lord, heck, take it off it's hinges...' that's a prayer i'm praying in my life too.
last night at recovery i heard from my friend who was giving the lead that the senior pastor snuck in and was standing at the back corner of the room. there is nothing else in the world that i want more than for all of us to be on the same page, not my page, but god's page. nothing more. it has been my heart's desire since we arrived. my constant hope and prayer. i constantly was questioning 'why are we here god? why am i here?'
tears are falling as i write this because i know now that god did hear that faithless prayer, and it's THEIR heart for the leadership and our church to own their frailty so THEY can be glorified.
liam read this quote this morning:
Snowflakes are frail, but when they stick together they can stop traffic.
Vance Havner
i look at the momentum of an avalanche, or the incredible power of a blizzard - our frailties individually are easily used to melt away at us. but together we can affect great change.
dear god, would that it could be so today.
Monday, March 14, 2005
hormones
i have a girlfriend who always said that teeth were the only mistake god ever made. i personally will have a few questions for him about hormones.
with this thyroid stuff going on mine are so out of whack. i am not sleeping at all. 3:44 rolls around every morning and blink... i awaken. i try for all i'm worth to remember that fading dream, find a way to reunite myself with that state of restful oblivion that i was experiencing only moments ago. breathe... crap... it's not working, mind is engaging... no mind, stop engaging... sleep... rest... breathe...
crap.
mind engaged. okay, i'll lay here and pray. okay, now i'll lay here and ponder. okay, now i've got to pee. if i pee i'll never get back to sleep. if i don't pee i'll never get back to sleep... sigh. roll on side, less pressure on bladder, maybe that will help... sigh.
crap.
doesn't help. look at clock. 4:30... oh i might as well just get up.
that has been my struggle for the past months. i have tried everything (no anj, i haven't given up coffee yet, but i have cut back...) naps, no naps, going to bed at 8:30 when i can't even keep my eyes open, or fighting to stay up until midnight just with the hopes of sleeping until 5:00. 5:00 - isn't that insane? it's become my magic number. remember when it was 11:00? if i can just sleep past 11:00 - oh, then i'll really have slept. 5:00. crap.
in doing research for thryoid disease i saw that one of the symptoms of low thyroid is insomnia. i've never said that word out loud or typed it before. in-som-ni-a. it always seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophesy. if you don't say it, you don't have it. if you say it, it will never go away. insomnia. crap.
i know nothing else to do but embrace it. if we had a meandering estate this wouldn't be a problem, i could clean, i could do something productive, i have all of this energy - but we are so squished in here that even flushing the toilet wakes everyone up. i tiptoe trying to protect the slumber of those i love so much.
so i read blogs, catch up on the bbc news website (i still haven't watched the news since the election - it's been so nice not to care about the dynamics of the talking heads anymore) to make sure the world is still intact, and if anything catches my eye i'll stay and read awhile. did you know that alpaca farmers in peru are loosing their prized breading alpacas to aplaca rustlers over the border? i do now. i even watched the little clip of the woman in the andes reporting as they placed lojacks in the ears of those fuzzy, upset alpacas. crap. i wish i was sleeping.
with this thyroid stuff going on mine are so out of whack. i am not sleeping at all. 3:44 rolls around every morning and blink... i awaken. i try for all i'm worth to remember that fading dream, find a way to reunite myself with that state of restful oblivion that i was experiencing only moments ago. breathe... crap... it's not working, mind is engaging... no mind, stop engaging... sleep... rest... breathe...
crap.
mind engaged. okay, i'll lay here and pray. okay, now i'll lay here and ponder. okay, now i've got to pee. if i pee i'll never get back to sleep. if i don't pee i'll never get back to sleep... sigh. roll on side, less pressure on bladder, maybe that will help... sigh.
crap.
doesn't help. look at clock. 4:30... oh i might as well just get up.
that has been my struggle for the past months. i have tried everything (no anj, i haven't given up coffee yet, but i have cut back...) naps, no naps, going to bed at 8:30 when i can't even keep my eyes open, or fighting to stay up until midnight just with the hopes of sleeping until 5:00. 5:00 - isn't that insane? it's become my magic number. remember when it was 11:00? if i can just sleep past 11:00 - oh, then i'll really have slept. 5:00. crap.
in doing research for thryoid disease i saw that one of the symptoms of low thyroid is insomnia. i've never said that word out loud or typed it before. in-som-ni-a. it always seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophesy. if you don't say it, you don't have it. if you say it, it will never go away. insomnia. crap.
i know nothing else to do but embrace it. if we had a meandering estate this wouldn't be a problem, i could clean, i could do something productive, i have all of this energy - but we are so squished in here that even flushing the toilet wakes everyone up. i tiptoe trying to protect the slumber of those i love so much.
so i read blogs, catch up on the bbc news website (i still haven't watched the news since the election - it's been so nice not to care about the dynamics of the talking heads anymore) to make sure the world is still intact, and if anything catches my eye i'll stay and read awhile. did you know that alpaca farmers in peru are loosing their prized breading alpacas to aplaca rustlers over the border? i do now. i even watched the little clip of the woman in the andes reporting as they placed lojacks in the ears of those fuzzy, upset alpacas. crap. i wish i was sleeping.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
only followers need apply
What Christ Asks
Soren Kierkegaard
If you have any knowledge at all of human nature, you know that those who only admire the truth will, when danger appears, become traitors. The admirer is infatuated with the false security of greatness; but if there is any inconvenience or trouble, he pulls back. Admiring the truth, instead of following it, is just as dubious a fire as the fire of erotic love, which at the turn of the hand can be changed into exactly the opposite, to hate, jealousy, and revenge. Christ, however, never asked for admirers, worshippers, or adherents. He consistently spoke of "followers" and "disciples."
interested? keep reading here.
sign up for your own daily dig here.
Soren Kierkegaard
If you have any knowledge at all of human nature, you know that those who only admire the truth will, when danger appears, become traitors. The admirer is infatuated with the false security of greatness; but if there is any inconvenience or trouble, he pulls back. Admiring the truth, instead of following it, is just as dubious a fire as the fire of erotic love, which at the turn of the hand can be changed into exactly the opposite, to hate, jealousy, and revenge. Christ, however, never asked for admirers, worshippers, or adherents. He consistently spoke of "followers" and "disciples."
interested? keep reading here.
sign up for your own daily dig here.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
ask for what you need - part 2, or is it 3??
well, i did it. i humbled myself and wrote a couple of letters to the holistic endocrinologists in my area who don't take my health insurance. they both come highly recommended and actually hear and care for their patients in a way that i want to be cared for. so i wrote them each a letter and asked, near begged to see if they'd be willing to see me without putting our family in the poor house.
we'll see what happens. all i know is that i needed to ask, and so i did. gosh that was harder than i thought it would be. whew, i'm glad they are sealed and stamped and waiting to be picked up by the postal worker in my snow covered mail box.
it's unbelievable here today. fluffy white snow everywhere, and there is no end in sight. liam headed to the city today to attend the YS CORE workshop with his team. marko was going to be there, and that almost got me there, but the thought of having to have my house clean for the babysitter was more than i wanted to have to deal with yesterday! :p
so today, i am reclaiming the piles of paper, the unwashed floors and the laundry that my ADD just can't seem to remember to keep going on... i'm ready to post a big sign at the top of my basement stairs that says "hey forgetful one - you have laudnry to fold!"
maybe mental hope is in sight. if you think of me please pray that one of those doctors would be moved by my plight and treat me affordably. have a wonderful day!
we'll see what happens. all i know is that i needed to ask, and so i did. gosh that was harder than i thought it would be. whew, i'm glad they are sealed and stamped and waiting to be picked up by the postal worker in my snow covered mail box.
it's unbelievable here today. fluffy white snow everywhere, and there is no end in sight. liam headed to the city today to attend the YS CORE workshop with his team. marko was going to be there, and that almost got me there, but the thought of having to have my house clean for the babysitter was more than i wanted to have to deal with yesterday! :p
so today, i am reclaiming the piles of paper, the unwashed floors and the laundry that my ADD just can't seem to remember to keep going on... i'm ready to post a big sign at the top of my basement stairs that says "hey forgetful one - you have laudnry to fold!"
maybe mental hope is in sight. if you think of me please pray that one of those doctors would be moved by my plight and treat me affordably. have a wonderful day!
Waving or Drowning?: Stan Grenz Update
Waving or Drowning?: Stan Grenz Update
please pray for a miracle and his family today.
update 10:15am (est): stan grenz passed away this morning. so unexpected and so, so sad. please pray for his family and those who knew and loved him.
via jen
please pray for a miracle and his family today.
update 10:15am (est): stan grenz passed away this morning. so unexpected and so, so sad. please pray for his family and those who knew and loved him.
via jen
Friday, March 11, 2005
spend 45 minutes with bono - TED Video
TED Video
this is one of the most motivating, innovative, exciting things i've seen in ages.
while you're there don't forget to sign up for the one campaign!
via mike
this is one of the most motivating, innovative, exciting things i've seen in ages.
while you're there don't forget to sign up for the one campaign!
via mike
benbell: Easter card
jesus on trial
despised? rejected? betrayed? let down? traumatised? friendless? innocent? son of god?
benbell: Easter card
remember his amazing christmas card? this easter one is tops too. just brilliant!
BBC NEWS | South Asia | Rape ruling in Pakistan suspended
BBC NEWS | South Asia | Rape ruling in Pakistan suspended
i'd like to think some how our prayers had something to do with this uncommon intervention. *tears*
i'd like to think some how our prayers had something to do with this uncommon intervention. *tears*
sempre con amore amica mia
i want to honor one of my dearest friends. her story is similar to mine in many ways and yet so very different. her subtle passions are unleashed in ways i only dream of. she is the most understated sensual woman i have ever met. she is hospitality incarnate. her guests are sheltered in her care in ways unknown to even them, but it is the joy of meeting the unspoken need that stirs her. i have never met another of her calibre or capabilities.
she lives tucked away in a remote land reachable only by ferry serving god and all who come in contact with her, in a wonderful ministry when she could be running her own inn in some expensive travel destination.
even her words are welcoming and warm. i adore my friend stephanie, and you can too here.
sempre con amore amica mia!
she lives tucked away in a remote land reachable only by ferry serving god and all who come in contact with her, in a wonderful ministry when she could be running her own inn in some expensive travel destination.
even her words are welcoming and warm. i adore my friend stephanie, and you can too here.
sempre con amore amica mia!
"It was her thinking of others that made you think of her"
Elizabeth B Browning
Elizabeth B Browning
are our cosmetics safe?
AlterNet: EnviroHealth: Chemical Soup and Federal Loopholes
if this doesn't pass the responsible companies should start to mark their products "Phthalate-Free". gosh i hate lobbies.
if this doesn't pass the responsible companies should start to mark their products "Phthalate-Free". gosh i hate lobbies.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
okay, i'm asking...
from today's nouwen meditation:
We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust.
i ask today for clear understanding of my call and strength to live it out god.
We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust.
i ask today for clear understanding of my call and strength to live it out god.
howdy partner
You are my partner on The Amazing Race, the perfect
traveling companion.
JunkmailforIdolatry
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try netflix free for one whole month!
no late fees - every dvd imaginable instock (great documentaries and foreign films that are hard to find locally) - shipped right to your door with a return envelope and postage.
it's really brilliant, we love it here. oh, and i don't get any credit or anything for you trying it, i just got an email offering a free month to my friends. it does say that quantities are limited. i have no idea how many will work, so first come, first served. and i don't know if it works in canada, sorry??
no late fees - every dvd imaginable instock (great documentaries and foreign films that are hard to find locally) - shipped right to your door with a return envelope and postage.
it's really brilliant, we love it here. oh, and i don't get any credit or anything for you trying it, i just got an email offering a free month to my friends. it does say that quantities are limited. i have no idea how many will work, so first come, first served. and i don't know if it works in canada, sorry??
why don't senior pastors know this??
today's daily dig:
We are called to be fruitful - not successful, not productive, not accomplished. Success comes from strength, stress, and human effort. Fruitfulness comes from vulnerability and the admission of our own weakness.
Henri Nouwen
okay, i know some sr. pastors do, but it seems like so many are far more concerned with being productive, accomplished and successful... sad.
We are called to be fruitful - not successful, not productive, not accomplished. Success comes from strength, stress, and human effort. Fruitfulness comes from vulnerability and the admission of our own weakness.
Henri Nouwen
okay, i know some sr. pastors do, but it seems like so many are far more concerned with being productive, accomplished and successful... sad.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
cool day
do you ever have one of those days where things just go "click"? today feels like one of those days.
we've been aching over finances here at home and have really been praying/talking about pulling our kids out of christian school and doing the 'cyber school' thing. there are so many facets other than just finances that are contributing to this decision, but it's not an easy one. we truly wish we had a good alternative for public school, but we just don't. so this is the next best option. we have not been impressed with a lot of the "christian" influence at the school, we see a lot of legalism and ugly christianity that i would like to keep pink and buck away from. unteaching science error is a lot easier to spot and correct than unteaching spiritual error.
too many times i see the fruit of those errors in a student's life and help them trace it back to crap they learned years before from an ignorant sunday school teachers or a flippant comment an older christian said. it's always damaging to their understanding of god and builds a walls in the path of their faith walk. i think it is the great myth of 'christian education' - sometimes i think less is more when the more is graceless christianity.
so today, i've had some good results tracking down a school that will allow us to enroll this late in the game, and i know that we can make up time by being intentional and engaged, so pink and buck will be well prepared for the fall. it will also allow us to bring some other things into our lives that we have had to say no to up to this point, like art school, voice lessons and ymca memberships, etc. and i envision nurturing the love of the public library and reading in them as i see the school really lagging behind in.
the other cool thing that happened today is a friend called and asked if i would lead a spiritual retreat for her and her friends in early may. this is a true gift. there is nothing i would rather do, and i will be able to do it away from the control of our church and fully incorporate all of the things that i have been holding back within myself for so long. it truly is an open door that is pouring fresh air into my life today.
and i just checked my email and i had a reply from blood:water mission in response to my request to volunteer to help with their upcoming jars of clay concert in our area. to be doing something practical to really help touches a spot in me that gives me great joy.
so, let the 'clicking' continue - it feels really good to be restoring order and planning to be a part of the kingdom in practical, useful ways.
we've been aching over finances here at home and have really been praying/talking about pulling our kids out of christian school and doing the 'cyber school' thing. there are so many facets other than just finances that are contributing to this decision, but it's not an easy one. we truly wish we had a good alternative for public school, but we just don't. so this is the next best option. we have not been impressed with a lot of the "christian" influence at the school, we see a lot of legalism and ugly christianity that i would like to keep pink and buck away from. unteaching science error is a lot easier to spot and correct than unteaching spiritual error.
too many times i see the fruit of those errors in a student's life and help them trace it back to crap they learned years before from an ignorant sunday school teachers or a flippant comment an older christian said. it's always damaging to their understanding of god and builds a walls in the path of their faith walk. i think it is the great myth of 'christian education' - sometimes i think less is more when the more is graceless christianity.
so today, i've had some good results tracking down a school that will allow us to enroll this late in the game, and i know that we can make up time by being intentional and engaged, so pink and buck will be well prepared for the fall. it will also allow us to bring some other things into our lives that we have had to say no to up to this point, like art school, voice lessons and ymca memberships, etc. and i envision nurturing the love of the public library and reading in them as i see the school really lagging behind in.
the other cool thing that happened today is a friend called and asked if i would lead a spiritual retreat for her and her friends in early may. this is a true gift. there is nothing i would rather do, and i will be able to do it away from the control of our church and fully incorporate all of the things that i have been holding back within myself for so long. it truly is an open door that is pouring fresh air into my life today.
and i just checked my email and i had a reply from blood:water mission in response to my request to volunteer to help with their upcoming jars of clay concert in our area. to be doing something practical to really help touches a spot in me that gives me great joy.
so, let the 'clicking' continue - it feels really good to be restoring order and planning to be a part of the kingdom in practical, useful ways.
what theologian are you?
| "God will not suffer man to have the knowledge of things to come; for if he had prescience of his prosperity he would be careless; and understanding of his adversity he would be senseless." |
| You are Augustine! You love to study tough issues and don't mind it if you lose sleep over them. Everyone loves you and wants to talk to you and hear your views, you even get things like "nice debating with you." Yep, you are super smart, even if you are still trying to figure it all out. You're also very honest, something people admire, even when you do stupid things. |
What theologian are you?
A creation of Henderson
thanks m2!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
weblog :: jordoncooper.com: An interview with Sally Morgenthaller
weblog :: jordoncooper.com: An interview with Sally Morgenthaller
Truly, our deprioritization of our own offspring is one of the great tragedies of late twentieth century America. The effects are staggering, and I'm not just talking about broken homes. It goes much deeper than that. The cessation of intergenerational narrative is at the core. The exchange of story has been one of the most important roles of family life. But getting involved in that exchange means sacrificing time, listening, and value that our children are actually worth the effort.
Truly, our deprioritization of our own offspring is one of the great tragedies of late twentieth century America. The effects are staggering, and I'm not just talking about broken homes. It goes much deeper than that. The cessation of intergenerational narrative is at the core. The exchange of story has been one of the most important roles of family life. But getting involved in that exchange means sacrificing time, listening, and value that our children are actually worth the effort.
let's get jesus back
really good essay by bill moyers - highly recommend taking the time to read it!
Over the past few years, as the poor got poorer, the health care crisis worsened, wealth and media became more and more concentrated, and our political system was bought out from under us, prophetic faith lost its voice. The religious right drowned everyone else out.
And they hijacked Jesus. The very Jesus who stood in Nazareth and proclaimed, “The Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor.” The very Jesus who told 5000 hungry people that all of you will be fed, not just some of you. The very Jesus who challenged the religious orthodoxy of the day by feeding the hungry on the Sabbath, who offered kindness to the prostitute and hospitality to the outcast, who said the kingdom of heaven belongs to little children, raised the status of women, and treated even the tax collector like a child of God. The very Jesus who drove the money changers from the temple. This Jesus has been hijacked and turned from a champion of the disposed into a guardian of the privileged. Hijacked, he was made over into a militarist, hedonist, and lobbyist…sent prowling the halls of Congress in Guccis, seeking tax breaks and loopholes for the powerful, costly new weapon systems that don’t work, and punitive public policies.
Let’s get Jesus back.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Business Travellers Against Human Trafficking - CheapTickets.com against trafficking
Business Travellers Against Human Trafficking - CheapTickets.com against trafficking
i figure if i point out the bad, i should also point out the good too!
i figure if i point out the bad, i should also point out the good too!
Saturday, March 05, 2005
The Hartford Courant - Health Insurance At Big Companies Often Left To State
Connecticut Business - State, National, World News from The Hartford Courant - BUSINESS
Some legislators were outraged that the state is helping to provide health insurance for profitable companies, particularly Wal-Mart.
"Here is the richest retail company in the world, and we, the taxpayers, are subsidizing their coverage," said House Majority Leader Christopher Donovan, a Meriden Democrat. "I think people aren't aware of the extent that we're subsidizing the biggest, richest, most powerful companies. Wal-Mart shoppers need to know there's an extra cost of doing business."
Some legislators were outraged that the state is helping to provide health insurance for profitable companies, particularly Wal-Mart.
"Here is the richest retail company in the world, and we, the taxpayers, are subsidizing their coverage," said House Majority Leader Christopher Donovan, a Meriden Democrat. "I think people aren't aware of the extent that we're subsidizing the biggest, richest, most powerful companies. Wal-Mart shoppers need to know there's an extra cost of doing business."
kindred souls and good biology
i have met a kindred soul. her name is susie, i have been catching up on her blog posts (luckily she has only been posting for 2 months - but she has 2 blogs and it's all good!) this post called bridesmades, midwives, mothers touched off so many thoughts that as i started to leave comment on her blog it turned into a blog post of it's own.
she writes:
her jealousy was touched off by kristin's blog unveilings. i know i have felt this so many times reading other's writings and her willingness to admit it outright was so refreshing. she goes on to say:
as a 39 year old woman who was raised by a mother who competed with every woman around her (including me) i was given insight into how destructive this is first hand. she raised my sister and i to compete through our whole teen age years. it wasn't until she died that we realized we could stop being rivals and start being friends. how sad.
this comes from believing the lie that there will never be enough. if you get attention, that means there is less for me. parker palmer (again) unlocked this for me in his writings on scarcity and abundance. believing the lie of 'survival of the fittest' is a great disservice to us all. when you get something that never means there will be less for me, unless i choose to believe in abundance. if i hoard or live in fear of scarcity it is a self-fulfilling metaphor - that there truly isn't enough.
a better metaphor, he goes on to say is thinking about the cells in our body working together in community for the good of the whole. what if we as women (and men in community) decided that we were going to choose this better metaphor instead of the tired old one our mother's and grandmother's handed us? there will always be enough. we have a god of lavish abundance - we aren't competing for thoughts, resources or attention, let's learn to keep celebrating each other on a cellular level, nurturing and applauding like the bridesmaid, midwife and mother we all hoped to have.
i love being in this community of brilliant, funny, inspiring women (and men). you all make me better and i love you for it!
she writes:
i found the most beautiful blog today and for a moment i was jealous...this ugly part of me that read another's words and wished that i had written them...nuances and artistry with words that i can only stab at...i was so conflicted in this moment of utter delight and awe at another's gift, and my own ugly jealousy...it caused me to pause...to reflect for a bit on how hard it is to really champion another if i am insecure in who i am and what i have to offer.
her jealousy was touched off by kristin's blog unveilings. i know i have felt this so many times reading other's writings and her willingness to admit it outright was so refreshing. she goes on to say:
we as women have such an opportunity to give life, or to deny it in the way we handle our jealousy. Now, I am less afraid to admit my jealousy, though it took many years of denial to get here... As i name the feeling that wells up inside me, i can stop scrambling to measure up and i can simply enjoy another's gifts or beauty that blesses and graces the world, in its utter essence and offering rahter than run to comparison. when i am willing to name the jealousy of another woman's gift, i feel far more free to enjoy it, embrace it and celebrate it. I am not lost in a battle or competition, rather i am free to live in the midst of the enjoyment and the want for more.
i have come to believe that we as women have to power to uphold or tear down, with a simple glance of the eyes, a word well spoken, a hand offered in gracious and sincere support. we have been so conditioned to compete and compare, rather than compliment and share. but i believe that we can change the face of feminine interactions and offer what comes from the depths of our being, a life giving offering, if we take on the roles of bridesmaid, midwife and mother.
we all want to be a bride, but on the day of our friends wedding, we delight in being a bridesmaid...we are there to usher in the main attraction, to set her off to be noticed in all her beauty...it is all about the bride, and we delight in this role.. what if we were bridesmaids to each other on non-wedding days. if we really believed that there is plenty of love, attention, accolades to go around and that the Bridegroom delights in each of us...
i wanted to be a bridesmaid to the woman whose blog soared above mine, to the woman who just wrote the book i have been wanting to write, to the beautiful woman who lives next door, to the mother in my playgroup who is an example to me, to the teacher, speaker counselor who is more gifted than i am...can i sing the praises of another... will i be a bridesmaid?
Or as a midwife, i can help to usher in new life...help another give birth to what they have created, i can be part of the process without any glory... is that not the beauty of midwifery...being part of and assisting in, being a support, a cheerleader that allows another's creation to be the main event. will i be a midwife, when i feel barren, when my creativity fails me or is not fertilized with life and acceptance? can i help give birth to another's dream, vision, offerings, or do i shy away, because i am afraid or jealous like peninah of the love and accolades another woman receives?
as i read the work of other women and see their hand prints on the kingdom, i want to be a midwife...a woman who comes alongside another woman and helps, supports and upholds the her creation, celebrates her gift of life giving artistry.
and i think this category would not be complete without the role of being a mother...it is in that role that we as women are life giving, nurturing and sustaining one who is totally other...one that will grow beyond us, another being whose very essence causes us to pause and glorify god in his miracles... will i be this nurturing presence to those who come after me, who will surely outshine me and offer life generatively...not denying my role, or part, or offering, but acknowledging another who walks alongside? will i make room for another, and give them space and nurturing to grow in a self sacrificing way? will i see the beauty and giftedness around me and celebrate it, engage with it and champion the one who brings it to life?
these are the thoughts that went though my mind as i found this blog today...would i hide my jealousy and pretend i didn't feel it, or would i name it and offer it to God as my own fear of being less? would i be willing to champion another and point those who read my words to another's words that may bless them more deeply... will i believe that there is enough love and enjoyment to go around, rather than live with a scarcity mentality?
often when i am trying to find a way to image the possibilities in women frienships, i picture a field of wild flowers and the beauty that comes in the diversity of texture, color and size. i would much prefer a wild flower bouquet over a dozen roses...all the same. Can we as women can view each other in this way...as a field of wildflowers with so much to offer in so many different ways, made all the more beautiful in our diverse gifts and offerings...all shining in the uniqueness that is ours? what would women relationships look like and how they would change the world in the giving and receiving of blessing to each other?
as a 39 year old woman who was raised by a mother who competed with every woman around her (including me) i was given insight into how destructive this is first hand. she raised my sister and i to compete through our whole teen age years. it wasn't until she died that we realized we could stop being rivals and start being friends. how sad.
this comes from believing the lie that there will never be enough. if you get attention, that means there is less for me. parker palmer (again) unlocked this for me in his writings on scarcity and abundance. believing the lie of 'survival of the fittest' is a great disservice to us all. when you get something that never means there will be less for me, unless i choose to believe in abundance. if i hoard or live in fear of scarcity it is a self-fulfilling metaphor - that there truly isn't enough.
a better metaphor, he goes on to say is thinking about the cells in our body working together in community for the good of the whole. what if we as women (and men in community) decided that we were going to choose this better metaphor instead of the tired old one our mother's and grandmother's handed us? there will always be enough. we have a god of lavish abundance - we aren't competing for thoughts, resources or attention, let's learn to keep celebrating each other on a cellular level, nurturing and applauding like the bridesmaid, midwife and mother we all hoped to have.
i love being in this community of brilliant, funny, inspiring women (and men). you all make me better and i love you for it!
Friday, March 04, 2005
ripening
today's daily dig:
Being means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn’t force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast. I learn it every day of my life, learn it with pain I am grateful for: patience is everything!
Rainer Maria Rilke
Being means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn’t force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast. I learn it every day of my life, learn it with pain I am grateful for: patience is everything!
Rainer Maria Rilke
7 years!
wow, seven years ago today i gave birth to our son. we had just sold everything, moved into ministry, and began the saga that was the past seven years.
last night it all hit me as i washed my face before bed. i looked into my eyes (not something i do regularly) and i saw new eyes, well, eyes that used to be there, but haven't been for the past seven years. in the past couple months i have tracked back the symptoms of my low thyroid to my son's birth - and because i have just started on the armour thyroid when i looked into my eyes last night i realized they were back. they are cellularly different. i don't know how to explain it, but they are changed.
the other day on the phone when i spoke with anj i told her of my frustration that came with the low thyroid of having a lot of mental confusion, and feeling like i have no brain any more. she asked 'did you have problems with your mind/memory in the late part of your pregnancies?' i reflected, 'oh yes, that was a big problem for me.'
she said 'well, it just shows that you are about to give birth to something'. gasp.
last night as i sat on my bed it all clicked. the conversation with anj, the horrible reaction to the prednisone, the seven years of this journey into ministry (to the minute) and having my eyes back - there is definitely something being reborn today. i picked up my journal and wrote like mad. wanting to capture that 'ah-ha' experience. wanting to remember the exact moment i realized i was "pregnant" and what the locust had eaten was being restored.
i wouldn't trade these past seven years for anything. they were my lowest lows, and my journey back. i learned things in that time that will serve me forever, things i don't think i would have learned any other way. the dark time a couple days ago reminded me afresh at how very far i've come. everything knit together to bring such hope and realization and a recapturing of the vision for the future. it is well with my soul.
i slept a slumber far different than any i have in a long time. peace and hope. i know that redemption is happening and i am truly grateful. happy birthday buck!
last night it all hit me as i washed my face before bed. i looked into my eyes (not something i do regularly) and i saw new eyes, well, eyes that used to be there, but haven't been for the past seven years. in the past couple months i have tracked back the symptoms of my low thyroid to my son's birth - and because i have just started on the armour thyroid when i looked into my eyes last night i realized they were back. they are cellularly different. i don't know how to explain it, but they are changed.
the other day on the phone when i spoke with anj i told her of my frustration that came with the low thyroid of having a lot of mental confusion, and feeling like i have no brain any more. she asked 'did you have problems with your mind/memory in the late part of your pregnancies?' i reflected, 'oh yes, that was a big problem for me.'
she said 'well, it just shows that you are about to give birth to something'. gasp.
last night as i sat on my bed it all clicked. the conversation with anj, the horrible reaction to the prednisone, the seven years of this journey into ministry (to the minute) and having my eyes back - there is definitely something being reborn today. i picked up my journal and wrote like mad. wanting to capture that 'ah-ha' experience. wanting to remember the exact moment i realized i was "pregnant" and what the locust had eaten was being restored.
i wouldn't trade these past seven years for anything. they were my lowest lows, and my journey back. i learned things in that time that will serve me forever, things i don't think i would have learned any other way. the dark time a couple days ago reminded me afresh at how very far i've come. everything knit together to bring such hope and realization and a recapturing of the vision for the future. it is well with my soul.
i slept a slumber far different than any i have in a long time. peace and hope. i know that redemption is happening and i am truly grateful. happy birthday buck!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
hi ho hi ho back to the doctor i go...
well, i called the nurse and decided to inform them of my mental state yesterday and to ask if i could stop taking the steroid, and they IMMEDIATELY made room for me in their schedule today... boy, mention instability and they do just about anything for you...
the nurse said it was definately a reaction to the steroid and i'm to get my behind back there this afternoon. nice to know i wasn't crazy... (again)... :)
UPDATE: i saw the physician's assistant and she said because of the skin reaction and the emotional one it was definately a reaction to the drug, it is rare, but does happen. i'm so thrilled it wasn't me dropping into the pit of despair - what a relief! i am off of the prednisone and my energy level is up and i'm feeling better than i have in weeks, and so relieved that i'm not going crazy!
thank you all again for your prayers and encouragement!
the nurse said it was definately a reaction to the steroid and i'm to get my behind back there this afternoon. nice to know i wasn't crazy... (again)... :)
UPDATE: i saw the physician's assistant and she said because of the skin reaction and the emotional one it was definately a reaction to the drug, it is rare, but does happen. i'm so thrilled it wasn't me dropping into the pit of despair - what a relief! i am off of the prednisone and my energy level is up and i'm feeling better than i have in weeks, and so relieved that i'm not going crazy!
thank you all again for your prayers and encouragement!
new every morning
'ask for what you need' was the phrase that kept running through my head yesterday and finally forced me to post my desperate cry for prayers.
the mc vicker women up at linwood house emblazoned that thought on my brain during 'the path' in november. how simple - ask for what you need - simple, but not easy.
today i have wings, even wind beneath them because of your prayers, kind comments, some nurturing time with liam, and especially a wonderful phone call from a dear friend about 5 minutes after i posted that cry for help. it was about the time i thought 'no, delete it' that the phone rang. i was given exactly what i needed.
i talked with anj about shame, and breaking through the shame to admit my needs, admit my lack and admit my struggles. shame is the silencer. it is the isolator. and it had convinced me that i was too far gone for anyone to know and still love. shame is a lie. in her inimitable wisdom she encouraged me to do some good self care and challenged me to find the things that energized me. i am all too familiar with the things that bring me down - but what are the things that build me back up?
she mentioned how her sister had challenged her back in her grey days to become aware of things you see that refill you and thrill you, in a magazine or in day to day life - notice them, and use them to bring about some intentional refilling. so that is my assignment for the next while - figuring out what it is that gives me joy, brings me happiness and wholeness and seek to bring them into my life more intentionally to care for myself.
the first thing on that list is phone calls from anj.
oh, and as a side note - 'the lake' in my fantasy is in the town i grew up in - far away from here - it wasn't really anything i was planning - it was just the peaceful thought of being surrounded by the water in a place i hold so dear. it was more about peace and safety and an end to the drama than it was about suicide. thank you all for your concern, just wanted to clarify in case anyone was worried.
the mc vicker women up at linwood house emblazoned that thought on my brain during 'the path' in november. how simple - ask for what you need - simple, but not easy.
today i have wings, even wind beneath them because of your prayers, kind comments, some nurturing time with liam, and especially a wonderful phone call from a dear friend about 5 minutes after i posted that cry for help. it was about the time i thought 'no, delete it' that the phone rang. i was given exactly what i needed.
i talked with anj about shame, and breaking through the shame to admit my needs, admit my lack and admit my struggles. shame is the silencer. it is the isolator. and it had convinced me that i was too far gone for anyone to know and still love. shame is a lie. in her inimitable wisdom she encouraged me to do some good self care and challenged me to find the things that energized me. i am all too familiar with the things that bring me down - but what are the things that build me back up?
she mentioned how her sister had challenged her back in her grey days to become aware of things you see that refill you and thrill you, in a magazine or in day to day life - notice them, and use them to bring about some intentional refilling. so that is my assignment for the next while - figuring out what it is that gives me joy, brings me happiness and wholeness and seek to bring them into my life more intentionally to care for myself.
the first thing on that list is phone calls from anj.
oh, and as a side note - 'the lake' in my fantasy is in the town i grew up in - far away from here - it wasn't really anything i was planning - it was just the peaceful thought of being surrounded by the water in a place i hold so dear. it was more about peace and safety and an end to the drama than it was about suicide. thank you all for your concern, just wanted to clarify in case anyone was worried.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Red hair alert, April 2003
chatelaine, Red hair alert, April 2003
while looking for images for my sidebar i came across this short article about red haired women and anesthesia - fascinating.
i can vouch that this is true for me as novicaine and epidurals rarely worked for me.
while looking for images for my sidebar i came across this short article about red haired women and anesthesia - fascinating.
i can vouch that this is true for me as novicaine and epidurals rarely worked for me.
damn, i should have given up coffee...
okay, so the giving up swearing for lent thing sucks. i am at the lowest point i have been in months - maybe even a year, actually it feels like about 12 years ago emotionally.
i don't know if it's all of this medicine, a side effect of one, or just the fact that i've become a recluse for nearly a month and feel so cut off from the world i can hardly stand it. i have been weeping for the past week, and today i can hardly even function. i've tried to blog about 5 times, but break down each time. i don't know that i'll even post this - but i guess it's just a desperate cry for prayer.
i spilled my guts to liam this morning because all of the yucky thoughts that have been running around my brain. they feel like rats trapped inside, spinning, chewing and eating away at my psyche, confidence and determination.
i've even got a new fantasy (which was why i told liam about everything this a.m.) - filling my pockets with rocks and walking into the lake in the town i grew up in to drown myself. gosh, typing that makes me feel like such a big fat failure.
the prednisone has brought out a new crop of rosecea on my face and all i want to do is chuck my abstinence and binge. it's only the fact that i'd either have to close down my blog or confess it to you all that keeps me from doing so.
i told liam that i felt like i wanted to rend my clothes, cover myself in ashes and ezekiel-like stand in front of the congregation and tell them all what big fat phonies they all are. hardly one of them has even bothered to reach out and see if i'm okay. no one from recovery, no one. well, unless of course they want to speak to liam, or ask me to do something...
i am just raw. the hardest part of all of this is that i've walked this road before. i know what isolation does to me. i know it will end, and i will get better, but it just feels like there is a black hole trying to suck me down again, and i'm circling the rim. it's been so long since i've felt this way, and i loathe feeling this way again.
i've almost closed this window about 3 times. i just need to post this so that i don't erase it.
i don't know if it's all of this medicine, a side effect of one, or just the fact that i've become a recluse for nearly a month and feel so cut off from the world i can hardly stand it. i have been weeping for the past week, and today i can hardly even function. i've tried to blog about 5 times, but break down each time. i don't know that i'll even post this - but i guess it's just a desperate cry for prayer.
i spilled my guts to liam this morning because all of the yucky thoughts that have been running around my brain. they feel like rats trapped inside, spinning, chewing and eating away at my psyche, confidence and determination.
i've even got a new fantasy (which was why i told liam about everything this a.m.) - filling my pockets with rocks and walking into the lake in the town i grew up in to drown myself. gosh, typing that makes me feel like such a big fat failure.
the prednisone has brought out a new crop of rosecea on my face and all i want to do is chuck my abstinence and binge. it's only the fact that i'd either have to close down my blog or confess it to you all that keeps me from doing so.
i told liam that i felt like i wanted to rend my clothes, cover myself in ashes and ezekiel-like stand in front of the congregation and tell them all what big fat phonies they all are. hardly one of them has even bothered to reach out and see if i'm okay. no one from recovery, no one. well, unless of course they want to speak to liam, or ask me to do something...
i am just raw. the hardest part of all of this is that i've walked this road before. i know what isolation does to me. i know it will end, and i will get better, but it just feels like there is a black hole trying to suck me down again, and i'm circling the rim. it's been so long since i've felt this way, and i loathe feeling this way again.
i've almost closed this window about 3 times. i just need to post this so that i don't erase it.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
medical update...
i know you're all on the edge of your seats keeping up with my medical saga... not...
but i just got back from the doctor, she's got me on steroids to deal with the lung inflamation. she thinks the infection is gone, but it's touched off a respiratory reaction (i didn't really pay attention to the official diagnosis), i was doing the math for the pharmacy bills...
praise god for m.e.r.p. accounts! (medical expense reimbursement plan - or something like that). anyway - they take $ out of liam's pay tax free to cover medical expenses, so it's out $, but it feels like it's not when we get reimbursed. i don't know how senior citizens or really long term sick people do it. every time i'm there i think of sam and the carrusso's and how their pharmacy bills must feel... yikes. i have nothing to complain about.
anyway - she gave me a shot of prednisone in the office and i take it for the next eight days, slowly decreasing the dose. i really didn't like the sound of this, my mom was on mass doses of prednisone to fight her lupus symptoms way back when and remember the emotional toll we all paid because of it. i don't forsee any effects in this short term use, but would rather not have ANY of the symptoms i remember from her.
but my desperation to be back in the land of the living was strong enough to overcome even those anxieties. pray for my family! :) hope you are all staying virus-free and enjoying your first day of march!
but i just got back from the doctor, she's got me on steroids to deal with the lung inflamation. she thinks the infection is gone, but it's touched off a respiratory reaction (i didn't really pay attention to the official diagnosis), i was doing the math for the pharmacy bills...
praise god for m.e.r.p. accounts! (medical expense reimbursement plan - or something like that). anyway - they take $ out of liam's pay tax free to cover medical expenses, so it's out $, but it feels like it's not when we get reimbursed. i don't know how senior citizens or really long term sick people do it. every time i'm there i think of sam and the carrusso's and how their pharmacy bills must feel... yikes. i have nothing to complain about.
anyway - she gave me a shot of prednisone in the office and i take it for the next eight days, slowly decreasing the dose. i really didn't like the sound of this, my mom was on mass doses of prednisone to fight her lupus symptoms way back when and remember the emotional toll we all paid because of it. i don't forsee any effects in this short term use, but would rather not have ANY of the symptoms i remember from her.
but my desperation to be back in the land of the living was strong enough to overcome even those anxieties. pray for my family! :) hope you are all staying virus-free and enjoying your first day of march!
more fair trade links
anj and christy have given me a few more great links:
local harvest
co-op america
i was able to locate an organic farm that delivers produce from may - thanksgiving in my area - i never figured that would be available to me here. we used a service like that when i was expecting our first child and loved it, but stopped when my income stopped, and then we eventually moved.
i have contacted them and am excited at the possibilities of having a good variety of fresh produce again, and supporting a local farmer. it's quite the wonderful operation they have, and it will be fun to take pink and buck to visit and see the amazing work they are doing this spring!
i'm heading back to the dr. today as my lungs are still not 'right'. i saw on the 'singulair' commercial last night that one of the side effects might be 'upper respiratory infections'... i thought i was taking that pill to deal with this, not cause it. ugh.
local harvest
co-op america
i was able to locate an organic farm that delivers produce from may - thanksgiving in my area - i never figured that would be available to me here. we used a service like that when i was expecting our first child and loved it, but stopped when my income stopped, and then we eventually moved.
i have contacted them and am excited at the possibilities of having a good variety of fresh produce again, and supporting a local farmer. it's quite the wonderful operation they have, and it will be fun to take pink and buck to visit and see the amazing work they are doing this spring!
i'm heading back to the dr. today as my lungs are still not 'right'. i saw on the 'singulair' commercial last night that one of the side effects might be 'upper respiratory infections'... i thought i was taking that pill to deal with this, not cause it. ugh.
Monday, February 28, 2005
fair trade
anj and will have got me thinking a lot about fair trade lately. we support ijm and do everything we can to raise awareness of slavery, bonded labor and prostitution that is happening world wide. when i read the article about the chocolate the other day i never once imagined that i could be contributing to it myself.
i don't eat chocolate, but my family does. and i do drink coffee devotedly. it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think that i've been contributing to the cycle of pain in the world by being so unaware. this following of 'the way' is harder than it looks. it was easier to be a self-righteous consumer, full of american capitalistic pride, buying without conscience, than it is to realize the global implications that come from things as simple as making coffee and feeding my family.
we live here on a very small budget. we buy everything we can 2nd hand, garbage pick furniture and pinch every penny possible. that usually means that we shop at (ugh) walmart. it pains me to type that. liam and i have had many conversations lately about making better choices as to where we spend our finances for food and consumables. it's just so hard when every penny needs to be stretched as far as it can go.
we've started buying our meat from my cousin who's a butcher. it becomes a much more intentional process than just picking up things when you need it, and means that money has to be spent differently than it used to be. i'm trying to buy my produce from the market instead of the local grocery store. walmart produce was never an option as it is disgusting (oh how i miss canadian grocers!) i thought that i was making a better choice by using the local grocery chain instead of walmart, but found out recently that they were purchased by corporate office to break the union and bring in cheaper labor. walmart's arm is so far reaching.
how do people buy underwear in the fair-trade market? i honestly can't afford the mall, and wonder if it really is any different in the long run?? once you start to unravel this thread it is unbelievable how many areas this really touches.
anj gave me some websites to look into, i'll pass them on to you here if you're interested:
fair trade usa
no sweat apparel
fair trade coffee
please if you have any advice, help or research i'd really love to see it. thanks.
i don't eat chocolate, but my family does. and i do drink coffee devotedly. it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think that i've been contributing to the cycle of pain in the world by being so unaware. this following of 'the way' is harder than it looks. it was easier to be a self-righteous consumer, full of american capitalistic pride, buying without conscience, than it is to realize the global implications that come from things as simple as making coffee and feeding my family.
we live here on a very small budget. we buy everything we can 2nd hand, garbage pick furniture and pinch every penny possible. that usually means that we shop at (ugh) walmart. it pains me to type that. liam and i have had many conversations lately about making better choices as to where we spend our finances for food and consumables. it's just so hard when every penny needs to be stretched as far as it can go.
we've started buying our meat from my cousin who's a butcher. it becomes a much more intentional process than just picking up things when you need it, and means that money has to be spent differently than it used to be. i'm trying to buy my produce from the market instead of the local grocery store. walmart produce was never an option as it is disgusting (oh how i miss canadian grocers!) i thought that i was making a better choice by using the local grocery chain instead of walmart, but found out recently that they were purchased by corporate office to break the union and bring in cheaper labor. walmart's arm is so far reaching.
how do people buy underwear in the fair-trade market? i honestly can't afford the mall, and wonder if it really is any different in the long run?? once you start to unravel this thread it is unbelievable how many areas this really touches.
anj gave me some websites to look into, i'll pass them on to you here if you're interested:
fair trade usa
no sweat apparel
fair trade coffee
please if you have any advice, help or research i'd really love to see it. thanks.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
NPR : Disconnecting Chocolate from Slavery
NPR : Disconnecting Chocolate from Slavery
i knew chocolate was from the devil! all three big us chocolate makers - hershey, nestle and mars use cocoa from child slave labor in ghana and the ivory coast. there are better ways - how can we help them find them?
via
i knew chocolate was from the devil! all three big us chocolate makers - hershey, nestle and mars use cocoa from child slave labor in ghana and the ivory coast. there are better ways - how can we help them find them?
via
tough enough
Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male |
Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! |
via wow
the seeker's way
i've just been sent this book to review and have started reading and came across this very promising quote:
Christianity, in many circles, has become like a game show in which all the answers are given before any questions are asked. This does not resonate with the path of Jesus. The narratives about Jesus portray him as one who upset the confident and ignited a childlike wonder in those who could appreciate not knowing. The path of Jesus does not lead so much to assurance as to adventure and transformation. This is true of any authentic spiritual journey.
The Seekers Way, Dave Fleming, pg. 6
family secrets
annie at new life rising is my new blogger favorite. she's witty and talented and very creative. we've been corresponding about journals lately and she blogged about it here.
her post made me think about my family and how they deal with the past, present and future. i come from a family on my mother's side where secrets and shame silence everyone. my mom is gone, and she was the only one who could charm them into honesty. when they die(d) all of the history will go with them. it's so sad.
my father's side of the family is open and talks about everything. they've done all of the geneological history and have even discussed the shameful stuff. watching the two sides of the family you can see how differently they relate to each other. one is based in fear, and the other in love. one side has family reunions and real fellowship with each other, and the other only comes together when necessary, things are surfacey and everyone knows the rules. well almost everyone...
my sister and i threaten their structure. we lived in a state far enough away not to be influenced by the secrets. after our mom died we realized how temporary things can be and wanted answers to the questions we had. it was amazing to see the military precision that happened between the cousins and my aunt. they went into red alert battle zones and 'got their story straight' in record time. i was shocked. i wouldn't have believed it if i hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
i've written before that i've learned that their secrets are not my truth. they can have them. i used to be the self-appointed family detective, driven by the need to 'expose the truth' and felt that my own recovery and story couldn't be whole without the information they determined was not mine to know. i have learned since that i have everything i need to be able to face my own truth.
this was very freeing for me. yes, i'd still like to know - but really have come to understand that their secrets are really their's to keep. i've learned from both sides of my family that it's about now, it's about the choice. to choose the work of keeping the hidden things hidden or the freedom of living in the truth. one side of my family lives in the truth - their relationships and their freedom speak volumes to me. that's the choice that i want to make. i choose the truth.
her post made me think about my family and how they deal with the past, present and future. i come from a family on my mother's side where secrets and shame silence everyone. my mom is gone, and she was the only one who could charm them into honesty. when they die(d) all of the history will go with them. it's so sad.
my father's side of the family is open and talks about everything. they've done all of the geneological history and have even discussed the shameful stuff. watching the two sides of the family you can see how differently they relate to each other. one is based in fear, and the other in love. one side has family reunions and real fellowship with each other, and the other only comes together when necessary, things are surfacey and everyone knows the rules. well almost everyone...
my sister and i threaten their structure. we lived in a state far enough away not to be influenced by the secrets. after our mom died we realized how temporary things can be and wanted answers to the questions we had. it was amazing to see the military precision that happened between the cousins and my aunt. they went into red alert battle zones and 'got their story straight' in record time. i was shocked. i wouldn't have believed it if i hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
i've written before that i've learned that their secrets are not my truth. they can have them. i used to be the self-appointed family detective, driven by the need to 'expose the truth' and felt that my own recovery and story couldn't be whole without the information they determined was not mine to know. i have learned since that i have everything i need to be able to face my own truth.
this was very freeing for me. yes, i'd still like to know - but really have come to understand that their secrets are really their's to keep. i've learned from both sides of my family that it's about now, it's about the choice. to choose the work of keeping the hidden things hidden or the freedom of living in the truth. one side of my family lives in the truth - their relationships and their freedom speak volumes to me. that's the choice that i want to make. i choose the truth.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Bill,s bad day
this is the story buck wrote at school this week (i've left punctuation and spelling at the first grade level):
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill made a Go-Cart.
he got into a rase.
The rase is to day
it is st tene (starting) at 1:30
lett the rase bee-gin
down-down-down thai went
not Bill he went right.
He crashed!
~~~~~~~~~~
i love that they let them spell creatively so that they can tell the story they want to tell. looks like the "-" is hereditary, i know i use it far too much! :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill made a Go-Cart.
he got into a rase.
The rase is to day
it is st tene (starting) at 1:30
lett the rase bee-gin
down-down-down thai went
not Bill he went right.
He crashed!
~~~~~~~~~~
i love that they let them spell creatively so that they can tell the story they want to tell. looks like the "-" is hereditary, i know i use it far too much! :)
Thursday, February 24, 2005
misunderstood and forgotten
oh, this makes me sad...
You are the drawing.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
thanks anj!
You are the drawing.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
thanks anj!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
germs, germs go away!
after reading amy's tribute to hand sanitizer i think i'll join her in singing it's praises... monday was spent at the doctor for pink and buck, they both have ear infections, and buck has a sinus infection, and his ear infection is so bad it exploded. needless to say we're hopefully on the mend with some antibiotics, and they are feeling much better, but i'm ready for this to be over with.
i on the other hand do have bronchitis, with the side benefit of asthma-like symptoms. she doesn't think it's gone to pneumonia, but says if it doesn't clear up by the end of the week i should come back... ugh.
i'm still weak and exhausted and feel like a big whiner baby. i have not got two good brain cells to rub together and am a crabby pirate today... hopefully the zithromax kicks in soon and i'll be back to whatever normal looks like... it seems like so long ago that i can hardly remember.
we're also making some big financial/time decisions that should probably wait until i'm feeling better, but it's all i can think about anyway, so we might as well deal with it.
maybe i'll have it together enough tomorrow a.m. to write about that. hope the germs are staying away from you all and that you're enjoying this last week of february. ttfn.
i on the other hand do have bronchitis, with the side benefit of asthma-like symptoms. she doesn't think it's gone to pneumonia, but says if it doesn't clear up by the end of the week i should come back... ugh.
i'm still weak and exhausted and feel like a big whiner baby. i have not got two good brain cells to rub together and am a crabby pirate today... hopefully the zithromax kicks in soon and i'll be back to whatever normal looks like... it seems like so long ago that i can hardly remember.
we're also making some big financial/time decisions that should probably wait until i'm feeling better, but it's all i can think about anyway, so we might as well deal with it.
maybe i'll have it together enough tomorrow a.m. to write about that. hope the germs are staying away from you all and that you're enjoying this last week of february. ttfn.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Saturday, February 19, 2005
practice resurrection
i've been on an anne lamott binge lately. i finished plan b, two days after i received it in the mail, and was struck again at how true to the core of my soul her writing rings in me.
i headed to the library to find some of her fiction. i read all new people, and just finished crooked little hearts. i became so invested in the characters in the second book that i was an emotional wreck by the time it finished. it was glorious. i identified with each character on a level that suprised me.
the character 'rae' used a phrase that has been running around in my head for days. 'practice resurrection'. i love it. some of you know that i frequently say that i am addicted to redemption. i believe that our christian view of redemption stops a lot of the time at the cross, and i think that's a mistake. i believe we are continually being redeemed - the broken make new, the half made whole. the dirty made clean. nothing is wasted. that's why this term spoke so deeply to me.
i feel like i've been living in a fog of late (even before i started getting sick). this winter has been far different than i imagined it to be. i expected to be squirrelled away in my office typing madly on my stories and fulfilling my 3 year plan in the ways that i was able. it's actually been very little of that. i can hardly name what it has been, but it's not been the vibrant nesting that i had so hoped it would be.
i have been reading palmer a lot lately, going back to LYLS and his new 'a hidden wholeness' - anyone who has read palmer knows metaphor is his passion, and the seasons are his strongest example. the winter is a time for dormancy, and when i read those words today i remembered that - it is a time for the work to be done deep down where it is out of sight, not dead, but dormant. it gave me great hope to realize this.
this winter has been very dormant for me. i am so looking forward to spring.
as i began to type this out this morning, the sun crested the hills over the river, and it shown so brightly into my window that what bounced off my computer screen made me gasp. it felt like the sun reached out and tapped me on my shoulder this morning. reminding me that spring is coming. it was so beautiful i wanted to capture it. i grabbed my camera and this is what i saw.
resurrection
after breakfast i headed back to bed. i felt like i had wasted that tap on the shoulder, i shamed myself for being sick and wasting a day with my family home in bed. exhaustion soon overcame my shame as i slept for hours. i was awakened again as the sun tapped me on the nose. the same beam reached through the space between my window blinds and nudged me awake - 'get up sleepy head - i haven't gone anywhere' it said.
i was rested and refreshed. not fully healthy yet, but with a much better perspective on the day.
so today i practiced resurrection, and plan on doing the same tomorrow and the next day. i don't expect to get it right any time soon, but i won't stop trying.
i headed to the library to find some of her fiction. i read all new people, and just finished crooked little hearts. i became so invested in the characters in the second book that i was an emotional wreck by the time it finished. it was glorious. i identified with each character on a level that suprised me.
the character 'rae' used a phrase that has been running around in my head for days. 'practice resurrection'. i love it. some of you know that i frequently say that i am addicted to redemption. i believe that our christian view of redemption stops a lot of the time at the cross, and i think that's a mistake. i believe we are continually being redeemed - the broken make new, the half made whole. the dirty made clean. nothing is wasted. that's why this term spoke so deeply to me.
i feel like i've been living in a fog of late (even before i started getting sick). this winter has been far different than i imagined it to be. i expected to be squirrelled away in my office typing madly on my stories and fulfilling my 3 year plan in the ways that i was able. it's actually been very little of that. i can hardly name what it has been, but it's not been the vibrant nesting that i had so hoped it would be.
i have been reading palmer a lot lately, going back to LYLS and his new 'a hidden wholeness' - anyone who has read palmer knows metaphor is his passion, and the seasons are his strongest example. the winter is a time for dormancy, and when i read those words today i remembered that - it is a time for the work to be done deep down where it is out of sight, not dead, but dormant. it gave me great hope to realize this.
this winter has been very dormant for me. i am so looking forward to spring.
as i began to type this out this morning, the sun crested the hills over the river, and it shown so brightly into my window that what bounced off my computer screen made me gasp. it felt like the sun reached out and tapped me on my shoulder this morning. reminding me that spring is coming. it was so beautiful i wanted to capture it. i grabbed my camera and this is what i saw.
resurrection
after breakfast i headed back to bed. i felt like i had wasted that tap on the shoulder, i shamed myself for being sick and wasting a day with my family home in bed. exhaustion soon overcame my shame as i slept for hours. i was awakened again as the sun tapped me on the nose. the same beam reached through the space between my window blinds and nudged me awake - 'get up sleepy head - i haven't gone anywhere' it said.
i was rested and refreshed. not fully healthy yet, but with a much better perspective on the day.
so today i practiced resurrection, and plan on doing the same tomorrow and the next day. i don't expect to get it right any time soon, but i won't stop trying.
weak week
i should have gone to the doctor yesterday, i tried today, but they don't keep saturday hours anymore... i am weak and living in a fog. a flight of stairs winds me and gives me the wheezes. stupid not to have gotten myself to the doctor yesterday, but when the fevers stopped i thought i was getting better.
today is a definately turn for the worse... yuck. liam preaches tomorrow and i've got to be all smiles and hand shakes - ick. as if it isn't yucky enough to have to do that when i'm feeling well and confident - i'm heading back to bed soon. love you all.
today is a definately turn for the worse... yuck. liam preaches tomorrow and i've got to be all smiles and hand shakes - ick. as if it isn't yucky enough to have to do that when i'm feeling well and confident - i'm heading back to bed soon. love you all.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
$1 provides one year of water for an african
it's alive!
the blood:water mission website is up and the 1000 wells project is ON!!
*make water your only beverage for just 2 weeks
*save money you would usually spend on beverages and collect it in a special cup
*after 2 weeks, send the money to blood:water mission and it will be used to drill clean water wells where the need is great.
$1 provides one year of water for an african
the blood:water mission website is up and the 1000 wells project is ON!!
*make water your only beverage for just 2 weeks
*save money you would usually spend on beverages and collect it in a special cup
*after 2 weeks, send the money to blood:water mission and it will be used to drill clean water wells where the need is great.
$1 provides one year of water for an african
the taste of manna
albert m. lewis wrote in the nouwen's society's weekly reflection about heaven. it was nice, but what hit me was this line:
Jewish text teaches that the manna given by God to the Israelites in the desert tasted like whatever they imagined it to be.
wow - i had never heard that before. isn't that the willie wonka dream of every person? food that tastes like whatever you want it to - but still nourishes your body with healthy sustenance? no extra carbs, no added sugar - just tastes like what you want it to be?
i'm sure that wandering around in the desert those first bites of manna were like heaven - everything they ever thought it could be. i'm sure each person had every wish fulfilled in the things they had been missing back in egypt - leeks and onions, haroset and honey - all of it in wafers that fell from heaven. god providing exactly what they needed to meet each individuals tastes and desires. incredible.
it exposes their hearts when those wafers began to taste like the sand the people collecting the manna walked upon. how their hearts determined their satisfaction with god's provision. something that tasted like heaven later became unswallowable and insufficient.
i realize how often what god provides for me starts out with joy and excitement, and later turns sour in my mouth? nothing changed but my heart. oh forgive me blessed one for the dissatisfaction of my heart - help me to be content with the manna you provide me with today.
Jewish text teaches that the manna given by God to the Israelites in the desert tasted like whatever they imagined it to be.
wow - i had never heard that before. isn't that the willie wonka dream of every person? food that tastes like whatever you want it to - but still nourishes your body with healthy sustenance? no extra carbs, no added sugar - just tastes like what you want it to be?
i'm sure that wandering around in the desert those first bites of manna were like heaven - everything they ever thought it could be. i'm sure each person had every wish fulfilled in the things they had been missing back in egypt - leeks and onions, haroset and honey - all of it in wafers that fell from heaven. god providing exactly what they needed to meet each individuals tastes and desires. incredible.
it exposes their hearts when those wafers began to taste like the sand the people collecting the manna walked upon. how their hearts determined their satisfaction with god's provision. something that tasted like heaven later became unswallowable and insufficient.
i realize how often what god provides for me starts out with joy and excitement, and later turns sour in my mouth? nothing changed but my heart. oh forgive me blessed one for the dissatisfaction of my heart - help me to be content with the manna you provide me with today.
feed me better
jamie oliver is changing the way kids are fed in school in the UK - brilliant!
Jamie Oliver: Jamie's Diary: "Jamie's School Dinners"
Jamie Oliver: Jamie's Diary: "Jamie's School Dinners"
let's pretend
blue goes right to my heart again:
"Pretend you matter. Pretend someone you meet today needs to know you. Pretend you will say exactly what they need to hear. Pretend you will offer them kindness and love right when they need it most. Pretend you will be an agent of grace--God's hands at work in the world."
go and read the rest here.
"Pretend you matter. Pretend someone you meet today needs to know you. Pretend you will say exactly what they need to hear. Pretend you will offer them kindness and love right when they need it most. Pretend you will be an agent of grace--God's hands at work in the world."
go and read the rest here.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
blech!
well, the compulsive handwashing didn't help. i'm fevered and sick. it never wound it's way into infection with my kids, they're both better and back to school. i think i'm either getting a sinus infection or bronchitis... ick.
my head feels like it's twice it's normal weight.
my head feels like it's twice it's normal weight.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
talking to kids about sex - part one
cheryl left a comment on my post about sex and mentioned her concerns about talking to her own daughter about this topic. she mentioned her struggle when the instruction she was given was so very lacking, this is true in my life too. how can we teach what was never taught to us? it is the question of every adult raised in a home of addiction or dysfunction.
i am no expert here, my oldest child is almost 9, so i've never talked to 'my own' kids before about sex, but i have talked to 100's of other people's. this would be my 'free advice' on the matter.
i know that my 'learning' came from very distorted sources - on both extremes of the spectrum - pornography and the church - neither of those extremes help anyone to have a real, healthy, life-giving understanding of sex and intimacy.
the most damaging aspect to my 'education' was that both extremes were so shame based. being a female was objectified by the pornography and degraded and impugned by the church. (my experience - not all i know). neither equipped me to be female. i still struggle with this today.
so i think it's most important that when teaching is done that is filled with grace, truth and love, not shame and fear. first of all i know that i can't teach anything that i don't believe to be true myself. i am wrestling with my own female-ness in part because my daughter is blossoming into a beautiful young woman and i want her to accept her femininity as a god given blessing instead of resenting and fearing all that life has in store for her. we need to own our own brokenness in this area before we can teach it to our kids. remember they have a 'b.s.' (pirate warning) detector that can sniff out hypocrisy and inconsistency from a mile away.
the best answer sometimes is 'i don't know, but i'm going to find out'. liam and i have committed to answering our kids questions honestly and age appropriately. we figure if they ask, they are old enough to know the truth. preparation for puberty comes early now as they are developing much more quickly than we did at our age.
pink and i have been reading the care and keeping of you together since november. it's a great start that begins with things like brushing your teeth and combing your hair. all things that were totally left out of my education - no one every did basic hygiene with me - i always felt like i was trying to keep up, and watching my friends to learn and copy. it was a horrible place and made for a very insecure childhood and teen age years. i don't want pink to have to learn anything from copying - who knows who she will think is worthy of copying? i know the people i copied were definitely not the kind of people i want my children to model themselves after.
liam is on the lookout for something similar to begin with buck soon. he's only going to be 7 next month, but we know that being intentional with these precious things needs to be one of our priorities.
the book eventually will come to the place where body parts and feminine hygiene will be discussed. this will bring many questions (as it should) and i want to be there to be able to answer each and every one.
one of the other things that i feel needs to happen with children; is that they need never to be shamed for asking questions. parents who project their embarrassment with these issues on their children punish them for their innocence. too many times of shaming and kids will know they're on their own and search for answers elsewhere.
the other area of sensitivity that i would caution about is not punishing your children for telling you the truth - even if it means they have broken the rules or 'sinned'. there needs to be consequences for these actions, but not for the truth telling. punishing your children for telling the truth creates liars and sneaks. children are brilliant - they know the logic of relational math - [i tell you the truth] + [you punish me] = i am stupid and will stop telling you the truth.
most parents fail to realize the real effects of this kind of economy in their homes. thoughtful consequences vs. reactionary punishment will build the kind of relationship that will keep communication open with your kids in a way that keeps you in the circuit. it's not fool proof, but you've got a better chance of being the person they come to instead of going to places where misconception and ugly lies dwell.
the next item i've been realizing is that metaphor speaks truth into my life in a much less threatening manner that facts and figures. i think we can use story and metaphor to describe those things that are conceptual about marriage, sex and love in ways that honor our children's brains and souls, and in a way that stays with them into the times when they really need it.
the only equipment i was ever given was 'just say no'. it worked for a year or two, but when i realized i didn't want things to stop i was out of ammunition to fight temptation and the emotional/hormonal/societal pressure i was facing.
my parents, youth workers and the church couldn't admit that in marriage sex was fun, wonderful and something to be desired to themselves, so they were unable to prepare me any farther than they were willing to go themselves.
honesty and transparency without graphic details at age appropriate times is the best direction to take - speak the truth in love.
love casts out fear, is never shame based and honors the other person and yourself in a way that brings hope and life. it takes courage. most of the time we avoid it because it might bring up our own baggage - but when we take the time to unpack our bags and deal with those things that are holding us hostage our children will benefit, but more importantly so will we.
so, i guess it's taking longer to get to the 'birds and bees' - so i'll make this part one.
i am no expert here, my oldest child is almost 9, so i've never talked to 'my own' kids before about sex, but i have talked to 100's of other people's. this would be my 'free advice' on the matter.
i know that my 'learning' came from very distorted sources - on both extremes of the spectrum - pornography and the church - neither of those extremes help anyone to have a real, healthy, life-giving understanding of sex and intimacy.
the most damaging aspect to my 'education' was that both extremes were so shame based. being a female was objectified by the pornography and degraded and impugned by the church. (my experience - not all i know). neither equipped me to be female. i still struggle with this today.
so i think it's most important that when teaching is done that is filled with grace, truth and love, not shame and fear. first of all i know that i can't teach anything that i don't believe to be true myself. i am wrestling with my own female-ness in part because my daughter is blossoming into a beautiful young woman and i want her to accept her femininity as a god given blessing instead of resenting and fearing all that life has in store for her. we need to own our own brokenness in this area before we can teach it to our kids. remember they have a 'b.s.' (pirate warning) detector that can sniff out hypocrisy and inconsistency from a mile away.
the best answer sometimes is 'i don't know, but i'm going to find out'. liam and i have committed to answering our kids questions honestly and age appropriately. we figure if they ask, they are old enough to know the truth. preparation for puberty comes early now as they are developing much more quickly than we did at our age.
pink and i have been reading the care and keeping of you together since november. it's a great start that begins with things like brushing your teeth and combing your hair. all things that were totally left out of my education - no one every did basic hygiene with me - i always felt like i was trying to keep up, and watching my friends to learn and copy. it was a horrible place and made for a very insecure childhood and teen age years. i don't want pink to have to learn anything from copying - who knows who she will think is worthy of copying? i know the people i copied were definitely not the kind of people i want my children to model themselves after.
liam is on the lookout for something similar to begin with buck soon. he's only going to be 7 next month, but we know that being intentional with these precious things needs to be one of our priorities.
the book eventually will come to the place where body parts and feminine hygiene will be discussed. this will bring many questions (as it should) and i want to be there to be able to answer each and every one.
one of the other things that i feel needs to happen with children; is that they need never to be shamed for asking questions. parents who project their embarrassment with these issues on their children punish them for their innocence. too many times of shaming and kids will know they're on their own and search for answers elsewhere.
the other area of sensitivity that i would caution about is not punishing your children for telling you the truth - even if it means they have broken the rules or 'sinned'. there needs to be consequences for these actions, but not for the truth telling. punishing your children for telling the truth creates liars and sneaks. children are brilliant - they know the logic of relational math - [i tell you the truth] + [you punish me] = i am stupid and will stop telling you the truth.
most parents fail to realize the real effects of this kind of economy in their homes. thoughtful consequences vs. reactionary punishment will build the kind of relationship that will keep communication open with your kids in a way that keeps you in the circuit. it's not fool proof, but you've got a better chance of being the person they come to instead of going to places where misconception and ugly lies dwell.
the next item i've been realizing is that metaphor speaks truth into my life in a much less threatening manner that facts and figures. i think we can use story and metaphor to describe those things that are conceptual about marriage, sex and love in ways that honor our children's brains and souls, and in a way that stays with them into the times when they really need it.
the only equipment i was ever given was 'just say no'. it worked for a year or two, but when i realized i didn't want things to stop i was out of ammunition to fight temptation and the emotional/hormonal/societal pressure i was facing.
my parents, youth workers and the church couldn't admit that in marriage sex was fun, wonderful and something to be desired to themselves, so they were unable to prepare me any farther than they were willing to go themselves.
honesty and transparency without graphic details at age appropriate times is the best direction to take - speak the truth in love.
love casts out fear, is never shame based and honors the other person and yourself in a way that brings hope and life. it takes courage. most of the time we avoid it because it might bring up our own baggage - but when we take the time to unpack our bags and deal with those things that are holding us hostage our children will benefit, but more importantly so will we.
so, i guess it's taking longer to get to the 'birds and bees' - so i'll make this part one.
coming in out of the wind
That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day.
Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind. We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. It is the difference between paint, which is merely laid on the surface, and a dye or stain which soaks right through.
CS Lewis, Mere Christianity
Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind. We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. It is the difference between paint, which is merely laid on the surface, and a dye or stain which soaks right through.
CS Lewis, Mere Christianity
Monday, February 14, 2005
i wanted to hate you.
i fell in love with you at the gas station.
i didn't want to, really.
i wanted to hate you.
i wanted you to be as shallow as i thought you were.
but your brain, oh your brain.
you were so smart, so funny.
you made me laugh, even when i wanted to hate you.
we waited and waited, there at the gas station.
you kept telling stories and drawing me in
even when i wanted to hate you.
you smiled and laughed and looked like a rebel
a rebel in bible school days
the smell of gas probably weakened my defenses
i wanted to defend myself from you.
oh i wanted to hate you.
but i lost, i lost that day
there at the gas station.
happy valentines day babe!
i didn't want to, really.
i wanted to hate you.
i wanted you to be as shallow as i thought you were.
but your brain, oh your brain.
you were so smart, so funny.
you made me laugh, even when i wanted to hate you.
we waited and waited, there at the gas station.
you kept telling stories and drawing me in
even when i wanted to hate you.
you smiled and laughed and looked like a rebel
a rebel in bible school days
the smell of gas probably weakened my defenses
i wanted to defend myself from you.
oh i wanted to hate you.
but i lost, i lost that day
there at the gas station.
happy valentines day babe!
sex - heaven or hell?
Sex - Heaven or Hell? - Johann Christoph Arnold
We live in a society that is constantly talking about sex, but we remain deeply impoverished in our understanding of what it can mean. And it's not just the pharmaceutical industry that plays off our obsession. TV producers and radio hosts, plastic surgeons, film directors, and publishers - all of them play off an unprecedented public appetite for more. The obvious result of all this has been the wholesale commercialization of sex. But it has also meant the gradual disappearance of true intimacy and the degradation of the erotic into the crude and banal. In the space of a half-century, attitudes that were once unthinkable have become commonplace, and what was once classed as perversion is now said to be natural and normal. Yesterday's porn, as the saying goes, is today's advertising.
Some people insist that negative attitudes have merely become healthier; and it is true that much of what our grandparents saw as sin, our own generation sees as freedom. But for many of today's teens, neither view holds true. They regard sexual activity neither as a sin nor as a source of liberation, but as a quick fix for loneliness and boredom. "Sometimes I think the whole world is focused on sex," says Jake, a fifteen-year-old, with a world-weary sigh. "There are nights when I'm locked away in my girlfriend's bedroom while her parents are out…and sometimes I think, maybe we could really be out doing something else besides this." And even those who boast about their exploits often live in quiet fear of diseases like AIDS.
We are leaving our children a world where the very dimension of human experience that was once regarded as the most sacred and heavenly may turn out to be the most hellish. Robbed of the chance to discover sex as innocents, they have little idea of its mysterious capacity to satisfy not only bodily cravings, but the mind and spirit as well. To them,reverence is a meaningless, old-fashioned word; lust something to indulge; a condom the only necessary precaution. But the price is often high: anxiety, self-hatred, confusion, and despair.
How can we rediscover sex as the wondrous, divinely created gift it is? How can we be delivered from experiencing it as misery? There are no simple answers; after all, the sexual sphere is always precariously balanced between grief and joy, fulfillment and frustration - between heaven and hell. But that should not discourage us. Rather than leading us to treat sex as a problem to be solved by moralists and prudes, we ought to grapple with its challenges and enlarge our understanding of it.
more
We live in a society that is constantly talking about sex, but we remain deeply impoverished in our understanding of what it can mean. And it's not just the pharmaceutical industry that plays off our obsession. TV producers and radio hosts, plastic surgeons, film directors, and publishers - all of them play off an unprecedented public appetite for more. The obvious result of all this has been the wholesale commercialization of sex. But it has also meant the gradual disappearance of true intimacy and the degradation of the erotic into the crude and banal. In the space of a half-century, attitudes that were once unthinkable have become commonplace, and what was once classed as perversion is now said to be natural and normal. Yesterday's porn, as the saying goes, is today's advertising.
Some people insist that negative attitudes have merely become healthier; and it is true that much of what our grandparents saw as sin, our own generation sees as freedom. But for many of today's teens, neither view holds true. They regard sexual activity neither as a sin nor as a source of liberation, but as a quick fix for loneliness and boredom. "Sometimes I think the whole world is focused on sex," says Jake, a fifteen-year-old, with a world-weary sigh. "There are nights when I'm locked away in my girlfriend's bedroom while her parents are out…and sometimes I think, maybe we could really be out doing something else besides this." And even those who boast about their exploits often live in quiet fear of diseases like AIDS.
We are leaving our children a world where the very dimension of human experience that was once regarded as the most sacred and heavenly may turn out to be the most hellish. Robbed of the chance to discover sex as innocents, they have little idea of its mysterious capacity to satisfy not only bodily cravings, but the mind and spirit as well. To them,reverence is a meaningless, old-fashioned word; lust something to indulge; a condom the only necessary precaution. But the price is often high: anxiety, self-hatred, confusion, and despair.
How can we rediscover sex as the wondrous, divinely created gift it is? How can we be delivered from experiencing it as misery? There are no simple answers; after all, the sexual sphere is always precariously balanced between grief and joy, fulfillment and frustration - between heaven and hell. But that should not discourage us. Rather than leading us to treat sex as a problem to be solved by moralists and prudes, we ought to grapple with its challenges and enlarge our understanding of it.
more
Sunday, February 13, 2005
okay, 2 sick kids...
pink just came to me with thermometer in hand and drippy watery eyes. poor kids. hopefully it stops with them - i'll be the one compulsively washing my hands for the next week...
up with a sick kid tonight
well, by the forth time of having your sleep interrupted by a sick son you know it's going to be a rough night.
the last time he was at the end of my bed weeping unintelligible words. i quieted him and walked him back to his room where he abruptly turns on the light and i can finally understand what he's saying as he flips his blankets in the air 'i need help with my paperwork, help me with my paperwork.'
first grade must be harder than i remembered... he was like a little charlie sheen in the end of wall street, panicked, sweaty and very concerned with paperwork... poor kid.
i used to hallucinate with high fevers all the time when i was little. mine were spiders crawling all over the walls. i'd scream in terror. sobbing is definitely a better way to be awakened from a dead sleep than high pitched shrieks.
needless to say i won't be at church tomorrow (today) and we'll be hanging around home for the duration. hope i can get a nap...
the last time he was at the end of my bed weeping unintelligible words. i quieted him and walked him back to his room where he abruptly turns on the light and i can finally understand what he's saying as he flips his blankets in the air 'i need help with my paperwork, help me with my paperwork.'
first grade must be harder than i remembered... he was like a little charlie sheen in the end of wall street, panicked, sweaty and very concerned with paperwork... poor kid.
i used to hallucinate with high fevers all the time when i was little. mine were spiders crawling all over the walls. i'd scream in terror. sobbing is definitely a better way to be awakened from a dead sleep than high pitched shrieks.
needless to say i won't be at church tomorrow (today) and we'll be hanging around home for the duration. hope i can get a nap...
focus on the flintstones
Feb. 8 - The ongoing campaign against alleged gay icons in animated cartoons continued today as a newly formed conservative group demanded that television stations stop broadcasting "The Flintstones" at once.
Harland Devane, leader of the group Focus on the Flintstones, said at a press conference in Washington, D.C. today that his organization was issuing the demand because, "Quite simply, everything about 'The Flintstones' is way too gay."
The conservative activist distributed a memo itemizing over 50 ways in which the self-styled "modern Stone Age family" series promotes homosexuality, but left little doubt that most of his concerns centered on the relationship between the two main characters, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.
"Their relationship is more flagrantly homosexual than anything in Oliver Stone's 'Alexander,'" Devane said.
He pointed out that Fred and Barney are virtually inseparable, are never seen wearing pants and live together in the suggestively-named town of Bedrock.
He also noted that the two men work together at a quarry wearing hard hats and construction garb, an oblique reference to the construction worker in the classic disco band "The Village People."
"Do I believe they are gay icons?" Mr. Devane said. "I abba-dabba-do."
He added that Focus on the Flintstones' efforts will not stop at banning the cartoon series from U.S. television stations, telling reporters that the group is also "taking a close look" at Flintstone-related consumer products such as Flintstone vitamins and cereal.
"We are very uncomfortable with Fruity Pebbles," he said.
Elsewhere, President Bush announced a budget of $2.57 trillion, most of which will go to paying for last month's inauguration.
Satire by Andy Borowitz
via
Harland Devane, leader of the group Focus on the Flintstones, said at a press conference in Washington, D.C. today that his organization was issuing the demand because, "Quite simply, everything about 'The Flintstones' is way too gay."
The conservative activist distributed a memo itemizing over 50 ways in which the self-styled "modern Stone Age family" series promotes homosexuality, but left little doubt that most of his concerns centered on the relationship between the two main characters, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.
"Their relationship is more flagrantly homosexual than anything in Oliver Stone's 'Alexander,'" Devane said.
He pointed out that Fred and Barney are virtually inseparable, are never seen wearing pants and live together in the suggestively-named town of Bedrock.
He also noted that the two men work together at a quarry wearing hard hats and construction garb, an oblique reference to the construction worker in the classic disco band "The Village People."
"Do I believe they are gay icons?" Mr. Devane said. "I abba-dabba-do."
He added that Focus on the Flintstones' efforts will not stop at banning the cartoon series from U.S. television stations, telling reporters that the group is also "taking a close look" at Flintstone-related consumer products such as Flintstone vitamins and cereal.
"We are very uncomfortable with Fruity Pebbles," he said.
Elsewhere, President Bush announced a budget of $2.57 trillion, most of which will go to paying for last month's inauguration.
Satire by Andy Borowitz
--- SATIRE WARNING ---
via
Saturday, February 12, 2005
spoons
hope at a song not scored for breathing linked to a website i wasn't familiar with. it's called 'but you don't look sick'. she highlighted a story about a woman with lupus trying to explain to her best friend what it was like to live with a life long disease.
my mother (the real bobbie) had lupus and died (at 43) 17 years ago on february 6th. i've been thinking about her quite a bit lately. this story has helped me be much more sympathetic in my memories of her. if you are sick, or have friends with life-long sickness this story is brilliant in helping those of us not struggling with our health to better understand those who are. it's a metaphor using the idea of spoons.
my mother (the real bobbie) had lupus and died (at 43) 17 years ago on february 6th. i've been thinking about her quite a bit lately. this story has helped me be much more sympathetic in my memories of her. if you are sick, or have friends with life-long sickness this story is brilliant in helping those of us not struggling with our health to better understand those who are. it's a metaphor using the idea of spoons.
Friday, February 11, 2005
today is the day!
well - the thyroid saga continues. my own doctor didn't think that my second set of results warranted any treatment, and that hit me like a ton of bricks. i contacted one of liam's friends who is an ob-gyn and an elder at our church to get his take on it.
he would have treated me if i had been his patient, so he encouraged me to either challenge her or to get a referral to an endocrinologist - i did both - i scheduled the appointment with the endo and wrote a letter to her asking her to reconsider.
late yesterday afternoon her nurse called me to tell me she was prescribing treatment - yay! i go to pick up the script today.
i know it's not a miracle drug, but i sure would like to reclaim whatever i've lost to this. if anyone has experience with this treatment or has any advice i'd love to hear it!
he would have treated me if i had been his patient, so he encouraged me to either challenge her or to get a referral to an endocrinologist - i did both - i scheduled the appointment with the endo and wrote a letter to her asking her to reconsider.
late yesterday afternoon her nurse called me to tell me she was prescribing treatment - yay! i go to pick up the script today.
i know it's not a miracle drug, but i sure would like to reclaim whatever i've lost to this. if anyone has experience with this treatment or has any advice i'd love to hear it!
Thursday, February 10, 2005
suffer me not to be separated
i just found this on sisters online and thought it so appropriate after my last post:
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks,
Our peace in His will
And even among these rocks
Sister, mother
And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea,
Suffer me not to be separated
And let my cry come unto Thee.
T.S. Eliot - Ash Wednesday
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks,
Our peace in His will
And even among these rocks
Sister, mother
And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea,
Suffer me not to be separated
And let my cry come unto Thee.
T.S. Eliot - Ash Wednesday
ash wednesday 2005
yesterday morning liam and i walked to the little episcopal church in our neighborhood for their 8:00 a.m. ash wednesday service. we climbed the steps with about eight college students and entered the simple sanctuary. i quickly grabbed a wad of kleenex for my pocket to wipe my tears and sat in the padded chair waiting, ackward and expectant.
i have been to roman catholic services and romanian orthodox ones, but this form of casual high church was new to me. it was a deacon's eucharist and the service was taken from the common book, and a home-made lenten service pamphlet from years gone by. i found it hard to follow along at first, wondering which page we were on and playing catch up. there were about 20 of us there and it was clear everyone knew everyone, but us. the deacon regularly made eye contact with us, not knowing who or why we were there. it was very welcoming and nurtured me to be a newcomer and kind of unknown.
being a staff wife at our church of over 1000 means that strangers know who i am. i am the most helpful person at the grocery store because i assume everyone i meet could possibly be someone who has visited our church and knows who i am - so being anonymous and wondered about was a feeling i hadn't had in a long time.
i found it different to have my face buried in a book during worship. i have a good memory for lyrics, and even in the days of the hymnal i rarely needed to read the words to be able to join in the singing. even before 'off the wall' participation was normal i was worshipping with my face turned upward, or with my eyes closed all together so that i was less distracted by the stage or other people's style of worship. it was strange to see heads bowed and buried, following along with the responsive readings while i was unable to locate the page.
once i got in the flow it wasn't as strange, but it was strange to have a service with no music at all. i revelled in the kneeling, the challenge of the prayers and the readings - especially joel 2:12-13. it has worked it's way deep into my bones:
my favorite ghetto monk blogged about ash wednesday yesterday and it's still haunting me:
i also LOVED the idea that i was participating with people all over the world in an act of worship 1000's of years old - i felt like a part of something much larger than myself. it was very powerful, and still is.
i told the deacon on the way out who we were and he invited us to come back anytime. i assured him we would, the other church owns us on sundays, but the rest of the week is our's.
it will be hard to sacrifice the idea being forced to celebrate palm sunday and easter filled with a lot of hype and pomp, but i've been trying to pray i will allow it all to be what it is and find the nutrients within each part i must participate in. part of this lenten period is also preparation for liam and i to participate in a different kind of 40 days.
our church will be doing '40 days of purpose' after easter. this is hard for me. as connie says "anything with the word "driven" in it scares me silly". i know that for right now there is a purpose in us being here - but it's becoming so divergent to who i am and what i believe. it's all i can do not to stand like isaiah or jeremiah in torn rags raging against my perception of how badly this all misses the point. i am trying not to be judgemental, not to be arrogant, not to have pride, but this all breaks my heart. i so long to have simple, so long to have community, so long to seek justice and love mercy and walk humbly with my god - and this just seems so bloated and so excessive to me.
i read on dave's blog yesterday his thoughts on 40 days:
he also quotes rick who commented on his blog:
well, in all of this, the only thing i can truly change is myself, my response and my attitude. i know that my feet have walked along the path that went through 'purpose driven' land to get to where i am now. not that i'm farther ahead or anything, but i do have hope that maybe this might be a catalyst to draw others into a place where they become discontent with imperialistic theology, begin to see the needs of the world and want more than magic, plastic jesus in their spiritual lives.
so as those ashes sink their way into my brain, and i rend my heart, not my clothes - i am realizing that this is about my inward response of homesickness, not my outward displeasure of this temporary home. i need to extend grace in ways i wish it would be extended to me on my journey. god help me.
i have been to roman catholic services and romanian orthodox ones, but this form of casual high church was new to me. it was a deacon's eucharist and the service was taken from the common book, and a home-made lenten service pamphlet from years gone by. i found it hard to follow along at first, wondering which page we were on and playing catch up. there were about 20 of us there and it was clear everyone knew everyone, but us. the deacon regularly made eye contact with us, not knowing who or why we were there. it was very welcoming and nurtured me to be a newcomer and kind of unknown.
being a staff wife at our church of over 1000 means that strangers know who i am. i am the most helpful person at the grocery store because i assume everyone i meet could possibly be someone who has visited our church and knows who i am - so being anonymous and wondered about was a feeling i hadn't had in a long time.
i found it different to have my face buried in a book during worship. i have a good memory for lyrics, and even in the days of the hymnal i rarely needed to read the words to be able to join in the singing. even before 'off the wall' participation was normal i was worshipping with my face turned upward, or with my eyes closed all together so that i was less distracted by the stage or other people's style of worship. it was strange to see heads bowed and buried, following along with the responsive readings while i was unable to locate the page.
once i got in the flow it wasn't as strange, but it was strange to have a service with no music at all. i revelled in the kneeling, the challenge of the prayers and the readings - especially joel 2:12-13. it has worked it's way deep into my bones:
"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love and he relents from sending calamity."
my favorite ghetto monk blogged about ash wednesday yesterday and it's still haunting me:
And let’s say hey, priest, rub it in extra hard today, grind that shit straight into my brain. And then please come to my house and mourn with me—we aren’t made to die alone. And maybe if we do that today, even if just today, just today let some homesickness sink in, let it sit, let it do its thing, let that black ash dig into our brains, make it so we can’t think about anything else, we’ll begin to understand what home means.i wanted my ashes to remain through the day, helping me remember each time i glanced in the mirror that this year was different. they faded very fast, i never even saw them. i must have wiped my bangs out of my eyes and removed them without even knowing it. but jeremy's words made me hope they seeped in deep - deep into my brain - helping me understand what this is all about.
i also LOVED the idea that i was participating with people all over the world in an act of worship 1000's of years old - i felt like a part of something much larger than myself. it was very powerful, and still is.
i told the deacon on the way out who we were and he invited us to come back anytime. i assured him we would, the other church owns us on sundays, but the rest of the week is our's.
it will be hard to sacrifice the idea being forced to celebrate palm sunday and easter filled with a lot of hype and pomp, but i've been trying to pray i will allow it all to be what it is and find the nutrients within each part i must participate in. part of this lenten period is also preparation for liam and i to participate in a different kind of 40 days.
our church will be doing '40 days of purpose' after easter. this is hard for me. as connie says "anything with the word "driven" in it scares me silly". i know that for right now there is a purpose in us being here - but it's becoming so divergent to who i am and what i believe. it's all i can do not to stand like isaiah or jeremiah in torn rags raging against my perception of how badly this all misses the point. i am trying not to be judgemental, not to be arrogant, not to have pride, but this all breaks my heart. i so long to have simple, so long to have community, so long to seek justice and love mercy and walk humbly with my god - and this just seems so bloated and so excessive to me.
i read on dave's blog yesterday his thoughts on 40 days:
You still see "40 days of purpose" banners hanging up in front of churches as an advertisement to fellow motorists that there is something happening for 40 days that will be about purpose. (I am not sure of the effectiveness of such banners, wouldn't these banners tell the pagan motorists that if they come into the church, they will have to be there for 40 days? Isn't it hard enough to get a non-believer to attend just once?)
he also quotes rick who commented on his blog:
"Well said. Thank you for taking the time to write. Outstanding. I attended the emergent conference in SD early this year and experienced many of the same feelings. In some ways it is sad because we seem so far removed from reality. It felt inauthentic in many ways. Rick Warren was speaking at the confeence "next door" and he asked, "Has anyone heard of 40 days of purpose?" I yelled out, "Yea, for 2,000 years we have called it Lent!"both of those comments have helped me to put some perspective on all of this. 'to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
well, in all of this, the only thing i can truly change is myself, my response and my attitude. i know that my feet have walked along the path that went through 'purpose driven' land to get to where i am now. not that i'm farther ahead or anything, but i do have hope that maybe this might be a catalyst to draw others into a place where they become discontent with imperialistic theology, begin to see the needs of the world and want more than magic, plastic jesus in their spiritual lives.
so as those ashes sink their way into my brain, and i rend my heart, not my clothes - i am realizing that this is about my inward response of homesickness, not my outward displeasure of this temporary home. i need to extend grace in ways i wish it would be extended to me on my journey. god help me.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
giving up the pirate life for lent
well, at about 10:30 last night it finally came to me. what was that thing that i was holding on to and caring about far too much lately? i knew it had to be my salty language. so, for the next 40 odd days i am going to allow my impulse to swear to be that snooze button that reminds me of my constant need for THEM.
it's not about legalism or even right or wrong, it's really just a tool to allow me to increase my spiritual muscles. giving up something that i do regularly, especially when i am feeling powerless and angry, will direct me to a place of being present in those emotions and bringing them to the light.
should be an interesting couple of months... at least it wasn't coffee. $#()@ :)
it's not about legalism or even right or wrong, it's really just a tool to allow me to increase my spiritual muscles. giving up something that i do regularly, especially when i am feeling powerless and angry, will direct me to a place of being present in those emotions and bringing them to the light.
should be an interesting couple of months... at least it wasn't coffee. $#()@ :)
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
gmails wide open
just in case anyone who wants one doesn't have a gmail invite they've blown the doors off of the invitations - 50 for each account (between all of us we've probably got about 10 accounts here!) - so i've got hundreds of invites if anyone wants one.
no images like hotmail or yahoo - lots of storage - 1 gig - totally searchable. i've used it for months now and love it.
let me know if you want one (or 100!) :)
no images like hotmail or yahoo - lots of storage - 1 gig - totally searchable. i've used it for months now and love it.
let me know if you want one (or 100!) :)
you give and take away
to refrain or to add? that is the lenten question i've been wrestling with for the past week. last week i was giving up blogging for lent. that still might be an option, but i am befuddled.
to introduce a small discipline for pink and buck we talked as a family, describing lent and it's purposes. they decided that it would be a good thing to give up ice cream for lent - and we'll celebrate fat tuesday tonight with sundaes and easter with a trip to the store to get any kind their little hearts desire to break their fast.
i already have been fasting ice cream, so it's not much of a stretch for me, and i probably won't be breaking my fast with them in practice, but will be fully participating in the event and watching the joy on their faces as they receive that first bite.
i'm befuddled. it seemed so easy last week - i am taking on walking and reading each morning with liam, i thought giving up blogging would be good to force me to journal and to write other things. i don't really know now. my blogging hasn't been the manic compulsion that it once was, it's settled itself into a tool, and i think a useful one. is giving up a useful tool what lent is about, looking at it i don't think so.
i love the spiritual muscles that are built through abstinence. daily i renew my commitment to my abstinence, those days are linking together into a long chain stretching back over five years now. what muscles are still flabby? what is realistic. that is my prayer, trying to find that place in my soul that stretching will help. that the snooze alarm of abstaining will strengthen. i know when i find it it will fit, it's just that right now nothing seems to 'fit'. well, i guess that's what today is for.
enjoy your fat tuesday!
to introduce a small discipline for pink and buck we talked as a family, describing lent and it's purposes. they decided that it would be a good thing to give up ice cream for lent - and we'll celebrate fat tuesday tonight with sundaes and easter with a trip to the store to get any kind their little hearts desire to break their fast.
i already have been fasting ice cream, so it's not much of a stretch for me, and i probably won't be breaking my fast with them in practice, but will be fully participating in the event and watching the joy on their faces as they receive that first bite.
i'm befuddled. it seemed so easy last week - i am taking on walking and reading each morning with liam, i thought giving up blogging would be good to force me to journal and to write other things. i don't really know now. my blogging hasn't been the manic compulsion that it once was, it's settled itself into a tool, and i think a useful one. is giving up a useful tool what lent is about, looking at it i don't think so.
i love the spiritual muscles that are built through abstinence. daily i renew my commitment to my abstinence, those days are linking together into a long chain stretching back over five years now. what muscles are still flabby? what is realistic. that is my prayer, trying to find that place in my soul that stretching will help. that the snooze alarm of abstaining will strengthen. i know when i find it it will fit, it's just that right now nothing seems to 'fit'. well, i guess that's what today is for.
enjoy your fat tuesday!
Friday, February 04, 2005
lenten newbie seeking guidance
hey all! for as dense as i was about advent, i at least had some clue about a direction to take, lent to me though never meant more than watching my catholic friends have fish on fridays and giving up something like chocolate. help!?!?!
i've never had ashes on wednesday or have a clue what maundy thursday means - any help or direction, books or website recommendations would be really helpful!
another question - any episcopalians - what does ash wednesday service look like? can i go and participate, and what about communion?? am i allowed or not - i have never done high church before, but really feel a deep yearning in me for some ritual and depth this season. i just don't want to break any rules or step in any awkward situations that i don't understand. thanks for the help!
i've never had ashes on wednesday or have a clue what maundy thursday means - any help or direction, books or website recommendations would be really helpful!
another question - any episcopalians - what does ash wednesday service look like? can i go and participate, and what about communion?? am i allowed or not - i have never done high church before, but really feel a deep yearning in me for some ritual and depth this season. i just don't want to break any rules or step in any awkward situations that i don't understand. thanks for the help!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
lust and anger
there was a hint in my comments yesterday that making friends with our lust and anger meant embracing sin - that's not what this means or what i'm saying.
spending time in silence and meditation is about understanding and feeling the emotions that cause the sin - it's about looking at the temptation, wants and feelings without the actions - understanding more about why i feel i have unsatisfied needs and unresolved relationships. sitting with those things - not sin, and holding them in the light. this helps in stopping the sin from actually happening - it breaks it's power over me and helps me build bridges instead of walls in my relationships and allows god to meet my needs instead of grasping to meet them myself.
the most helpful tool i've had in maintaining my abstinence and sobriety over sexual addiction and compulsive overeating is by carving out margins in my mind and in my time. realizing that i don't have to react to temptation or be shamed by it (remember jesus was tempted - it's not a sin to be tempted) into sin has been the biggest victory of my recovery. before it was temptation/shame/sin, bam, bam, bam - i would give in because the shame that came from being tempted caused me to feel like i had no choice but to continue in my way of life and cycles of addiction.
but carving out that time - to respond, not react to the temptation or emotion - specifically anger or lust (and lust isn't just sexual) has given me breathing space so my mind can engage, my heart can feel the emotions and my soul can give voice to hope. it's how jesus handled his temptations - i'm not saying that in a spiritual one-up-man-ship way - but really - look at the way he faced temptation - there was no avoidance, there was no fear or shame - he was spending time in silence and prayer previous to all of the documented temptations, he took a breath, engaged his brain and soul (i don't mean a soul like ours - i don't want to get into the theological stuff, i'm willing to admit he's got way more soul than we do!) and addressed the temptation head on and told it to flee. you have no home here, no right, no nest to lay your filthy little eggs - be gone! (my paraphrase)
now jesus did this instinctively, he wasn't compulsive or an addict - but we can learn this response - but it only comes with margins - it only comes with silence, space and time to make friends with our thoughts and feelings - not be driven by them to behavior that causes us to sin or escape into behavior that is destructive.
nouwen continues today:
spending time in silence and meditation is about understanding and feeling the emotions that cause the sin - it's about looking at the temptation, wants and feelings without the actions - understanding more about why i feel i have unsatisfied needs and unresolved relationships. sitting with those things - not sin, and holding them in the light. this helps in stopping the sin from actually happening - it breaks it's power over me and helps me build bridges instead of walls in my relationships and allows god to meet my needs instead of grasping to meet them myself.
the most helpful tool i've had in maintaining my abstinence and sobriety over sexual addiction and compulsive overeating is by carving out margins in my mind and in my time. realizing that i don't have to react to temptation or be shamed by it (remember jesus was tempted - it's not a sin to be tempted) into sin has been the biggest victory of my recovery. before it was temptation/shame/sin, bam, bam, bam - i would give in because the shame that came from being tempted caused me to feel like i had no choice but to continue in my way of life and cycles of addiction.
but carving out that time - to respond, not react to the temptation or emotion - specifically anger or lust (and lust isn't just sexual) has given me breathing space so my mind can engage, my heart can feel the emotions and my soul can give voice to hope. it's how jesus handled his temptations - i'm not saying that in a spiritual one-up-man-ship way - but really - look at the way he faced temptation - there was no avoidance, there was no fear or shame - he was spending time in silence and prayer previous to all of the documented temptations, he took a breath, engaged his brain and soul (i don't mean a soul like ours - i don't want to get into the theological stuff, i'm willing to admit he's got way more soul than we do!) and addressed the temptation head on and told it to flee. you have no home here, no right, no nest to lay your filthy little eggs - be gone! (my paraphrase)
now jesus did this instinctively, he wasn't compulsive or an addict - but we can learn this response - but it only comes with margins - it only comes with silence, space and time to make friends with our thoughts and feelings - not be driven by them to behavior that causes us to sin or escape into behavior that is destructive.
nouwen continues today:
How do we befriend our inner enemies lust and anger? By listening to what they are saying. They say, "I have some unfulfilled needs" and "Who really loves me?" Instead of pushing our lust and anger away as unwelcome guests, we can recognize that our anxious, driven hearts need some healing. Our restlessness calls us to look for the true inner rest where lust and anger can be converted into a deeper way of loving.here's to loving well, telling the temptations in our lives to go to hell (in jesus' name!) and finding that true inner rest that brings us all to a deeper way of loving.
There is a lot of unruly energy in lust and anger! When that energy can be directed toward loving well, we can transform not only ourselves but even those who might otherwise become the victims of our anger and lust. This takes patience, but it is possible.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
turning enemies into friends
a day in the house - to myself!! yippee!
i started by getting some financial matters straightened out and then walked for 30 minutes on my new (to me) treadmill!! i had been praying for a way to get some exercise that didn't force me into the 16 degree weather since winter began and god has bestowed on us a used (free) treadmill. so today i have begun to relcaim and redeem that which was lost to the winter. don't know if phil saw his shadow today, but i'm going to be ready for spring, and there is already a spring in my step today.
as i was heading to spend some silent time with god i read today's daily reflection with henri nouwen, which was exactly what i needed, this day of all days.
i started by getting some financial matters straightened out and then walked for 30 minutes on my new (to me) treadmill!! i had been praying for a way to get some exercise that didn't force me into the 16 degree weather since winter began and god has bestowed on us a used (free) treadmill. so today i have begun to relcaim and redeem that which was lost to the winter. don't know if phil saw his shadow today, but i'm going to be ready for spring, and there is already a spring in my step today.
as i was heading to spend some silent time with god i read today's daily reflection with henri nouwen, which was exactly what i needed, this day of all days.
"We need silence in our lives. We even desire it. But when we enter into silence we encounter a lot of inner noises, often so disturbing that a busy and distracting life seems preferable to a time of silence. Two disturbing "noises" present themselves quickly in our silence: the noise of lust and the noise of anger. Lust reveals our many unsatisfied needs, anger our many unresolved relationships. But lust and anger are very hard to face.so i'm off to turn some of those enemies into friends. take care!
What are we to do? Jesus says, "Go and learn the meaning of the words: Mercy is what pleases me, not sacrifice" (Matthew 9:13). Sacrifice here means "offering up," "cutting out," "burning away," or "killing." We shouldn't do that with our lust and anger. It simply won't work. But we can be merciful toward our own noisy selves and turn these enemies into friends."
loggers, floggers, bogglers
i was writing a letter in microsoft word the other day and saw that 'blogger' was highlighted as misspelled. when i clicked on the options to see what they suggested as alternatives these were the words i was given:
loggers, floggers, bogglers
it made me smile.
loggers, floggers, bogglers
it made me smile.
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