and i thought i was cracked open last week...

oh my. this has been a hellish week. i feel like i've gone from the frying pan into the fire. our son buck (who is t1 diabetic) was vomiting all last week and they finally figured out that he needed to be in hospital. they didn't know what was wrong, but knew it wasn't right. fast forward - ruptured appendix and abscess removed and the recovery has been 1 step forward 2 steps back all week.

poor kid. it's excruciating to watch your 10 year old son have to endure this kind of pain, confusion and prodding. the medical care has been outstanding and he has a dozen of doctors on his staff. he's been in picu the whole time and the nurses have come to adore him. but somehow in the big important things happening to him they weren't understanding that he hadn't been getting real nutrition for the past couple of weeks - and so his body is literally breaking down. they put in a pic line yesterday and have started him on tpn - the most basic form w/out the fat so that he can slowly build back up what has been lost. how does a child in north america become malnourished? it doesn't make any sense. and please this is not socialized medicine - his care is stellar - it's just that surgeons have been so concerned that the infection in his gut would rear it's head and they would have to operate again that keeping him off of food was important because his bowel isn't working.

so he literally has 4 iv lines running into him and he's retaining so much fluid - it's horrible to watch this vibrant young boy trapped inside this body that isn't working. i hate this.

liam took two days off so that he could man the post as he heard in my voice that i was running so thin. i got my period yesterday and knew that i couldn't break down in front of buck so that i wouldn't scare him. i didn't want to leave his side, but knew that if i didn't care for myself i wouldn't be able to care for him. liam walked me to the car and as i got in i realized all of the picu noise, alarms and buzz was gone and i was truly alone. that is usually a good thing, but i have had so much head time lately - too much thinking and not enough processing - that i realized i needed some input. i turned on our 21 year old stereo and tried to find a station. i haven't turned on a radio in over 7 years. i really love silence and my thoughts, but knew that this wasn't the time for it. i was exhausted and needed to be alert for the next 90 minutes.

i found a dreamy enya like song and thought 'okay, this will work', paid for my parking and headed home. by the time i hit the highway the old stevie nicks song landslide was playing - i haven't listened to the radio in 7 years and THIS is the song that comes on the radio? i started to keen. i could barely see through my tears to pay the bridge toll and stay on the road. the next song was luba's "every time i see your picture i cry" and i began to scream "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM" over and over at the top of my lungs.

i am flat out cracked open and have no place safe to hide any more. this has stripped me bare to my core and everything feels like it's on the line.

i am home, drinking my own fair trade scandanavian blend with my wonderful daughter on the computer next to me - we have been given the blessing of a snow day and will be spending it together some how. we both need this, and so i needed to get this off my chest this a.m. so that i could be present for her and not terrify her with the depth of my deep emotions.

please pray. i can't seem to find god in this. that is my prayer. (other than heal him NOW) - that we would all see the places that god is with us in this moment. to know that he has not abandoned us to our pain and fear. we have all been face to face with our deepest fear this week and it is horrible. i want to be face to face with god in this fear and i can't seem to find him.

clarity

ah the return of serenity is such a beautiful thing. why do i ever give it away?

i don't have a ton of time to tell you everything that has been happening since my last post - but purging that all out here was what i really needed. i was able to step back and look at it again and find the areas that were true, and the areas that i was truly being graceless about.

grace is such a beautiful thing.

stepping out of the shame and away from the addictive behaviour was also life giving. funny thing is that much of what was going on had little to do with the relationship - but so much to do with my compulsion to avoid what i needed to be working on. i was so enmeshed (thanks pen) in other peoples stories because i wanted to avoid my own.

i am working on fear in my step 4 and have class assignments dealing with grief and suffering - i was trying to avoid them like the plague - and once i realized it, admitted my powerlessness and started working my program again god met me in such an incredible way. i may blog about it, but it was one of the high points of my walk with god.

funny thing is that the rush addiction that i was getting from this was so similar to any of my other compulsive behaviors - once i saw it and asked for help the clarity that came after was so priceless that i realized that it had little to do w/ the cgf and far more to do with the walls i had placed around myself out of fear that god would not be trustworthy enough to meet my needs.

i have to go - wish i could pour it all out here - i just wanted to thank you for praying, encouraging, pushing and caring about me and my journey. have a lovely sunday!

denial works until it doesn't

p.s.f.d.*

i am reaping the whirlwind today. i have been walking in new territory this past year and i am finding myself ill prepared for it. this past year i have found myself. i have become comfortable in my own skin and i have navigated many new things. community and friendship have become so important to me. living inside myself has been very new for me and it has opened up a lot of different doors in my life. some good. some not so good. i don't know where they go, but there are definitely a lot of new doors.

writing about this is torture, but i have no place else to navigate this. i want to crawl in a hole and weep. i feel cracked open wide because when denial stops working it leaves a big pile of shit in the room that i feel so unbelievably stupid for not noticing before - and it was right there all along. p.s.f.d.

i am surrounded by really incredible people in this community. i have made some amazing f2f friends. one of those friendships was a cross-gender friendship (cgf). i have been reading dan's faith dance blog for quite some time now and am inspired by the thought that men & women aren't dangerous to each other and can truly develop friendships. so much of my broken comes from ugly male behavior, and so safe men in my life are important and healing.

i had crossed a line emotionally with this man. the husband of one of my best friends. on a scale of other peoples issues this one probably ranks really low, but because i closely monitor my serenity i can feel when it goes off the rails, and i lost it and found that it was because this relationship had become an addiction for me. this is mostly about me. i'm not sure how much this has to do with him per sey, but his dysfunction and my great need do play a role here - but most of it has to do with the rush. that heroin that shoots through my veins with the fresh, new, long ago familiar feelings that i haven't felt in 20 years. p.s.f.d.

all along this friendship i was telling 3 dear friends about all of it and talking to liam the whole time. i know i am only as sick as my secrets and deeply want to live in the light. but i have found that when those secrets are buried deep in denial no light can expose them until the denial goes away.

in an attempt to bring things into the light i had a conversation with this man that actually turned things more intimate than stopped them. i feel like a fool. i told a confidence about a mutual friends marriage struggles as a guise for trying to keep us and another pair of dear friends from falling into the same ditch. i really thought i was doing the right thing - but have to admit that i hid behind that to share something that would bind us together somehow. i exposed one of my best friends deepest shame for my own purposes. these are the ugliest parts of my self. i hate to see them, let alone expose them to others. but i believe that they cannot be redeemed unless i do.

so i had to confess my broken confidence to one of my besties - the woman who had fallen off the rails. i immediately called her to tell her - i had kept her secret for months - why now? why ever? i so longed to be trustworthy. i was so angry at myself for breaking faith. it was one of the hardest conversations i have ever had.

next i told liam. he was forgiving. (but too forgiving. a bell went off in my head. this should be bothering him more. he's not getting this. it's not registering. why isn't this registering? why isn't he angry?).

i also IM'd with martha and she called me on the carpet. let me know that i was kidding myself. i truly thought before that that bringing things into the light would keep things from going south. i really did.

after our IM i realized i wasn't being honest. that it wasn't just this ONE conversation, but that i had become emotionally attached to this man. p.s.f.d. it had become an addiction. the rush of the attention. feeling noticed. talking about big ideas and deep theology. p.s.f.d. every one of my hooks was sunk deep into this rotting fish (the addiction, not him - although he is not innocent in this either).

i have tried to do everything in the light and be as accountable as possible. but my dear friend martha told it to me straight yesterday. just because it's accountable doesn't mean it should continue. p.s.f.d.

so today, just for today i am grieving the loss of a really important friendship. a friendship that really did heal some deep places in me. it taught me that i was trustworthy. that the hay/fire didn't have to explode into deep passionate sin. for most of this it wasn't taudry or innappropriate. but i have crossed a line emotionally.

i had a conversation with liam this morning challenging his well constructed front. i pushed and it crumbled. he told me that he's been uncomfortable all along, but hasn't told me. how can this be so broken? i have talked to him about this from the beginning hoping that if i did it would strengthen our marriage and keep the cgf healthy. i was wrong. his denial sat right next to mine. p.s.f.d.

so where do we go from here? i have no idea. i am just doing the next right thing. just for today i can face this. i can try to sit with the level of emotion i have and this great big steaming pile of denial and begin to detox and find healthier ways to feed this starving part of my soul. liam is doing good work. i know at some point we will find a way in and through this, but for now my hope is hanging by a very thin thread.

*abbreviation for four cuss words to express the deep level of frustration and disgust i am having over this situation.

new skin

i finally just couldn't stand that old light house any more - so i have new light houses - it's so funny to me that the land-locked girl called to the sea and found it - so now that i am a sea girl i thought it appropriate to keep the lighthouse theme going. this one is a bit more me than the misty photo. unfortunately i lost all of my widgets and lists - oh well, they were probably really outdated anyway. enjoy!

time capsule

i have received and finally sat down to watch the documentary that i participated in long ago - september 2005. you can search my archives to read the posts from that time if you like. i am not linking to it here just in case someone connects my real name w/ this blog. i'm just not ready for that.

i was not prepared for the level of emotion that it brought up in me. seeing my face, my rosecea skin and seeing the face of the man who created the images that were so hurtful to me, and seeing the image again really flattened me out.

i don't have time for this today. i'm off to a retreat and have tons of responsibilities. i just want to crawl back into bed and cry. or slam the door shut and spend the weekend escaping and remembering that it isn't me any more. i forget sometimes how bad it was. this was a "good" reminder - good as in efficient, not good as in nice, warm and fuzzy. mean people suck. especially mean, mysoginists who mock women and their pain. the director told me that this prick has a young daughter. poor girl. i want to hunt him down and hurt him. i've never had a face before. never had a face for anyone who ever hurt me.

it will be very difficult for liam to watch this. i told him i wanted to see it alone first. i am so glad that i wasn't in a theatre at a film festival seeing it for the first time. what a relief. i haven't seen the whole film yet, just my episode. it is beautifully done and so gentle with my story. i am well spoken and brave. i am proud of myself for telling my story. i just wasn't prepared for having to listen to him. what a horrible man. i hope that the daughter's mum has enough sense to keep her away from him. prick.

well, i'm off to slam the door on this until next week. please pray that i am able. i really wasn't prepared to feel so leveled by this. b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

forgive me...

got an email and a phone call before my meeting last night... all the regulars bailed on me. i opened the doors, pulled out the literature. set up the table. read everything out loud. led the meeting. read step 5 from the AA 12 & 12 (oh man did i need to read that chapter, what a beautiful collection of thoughts and words!) and closed the meeting. alone. but what an complete blessing that meeting was to me. i was pissed and full of resentments heading into that meeting, but felt so full and alive afterward. i showed up. it's my recovery and i'm working MY program. not anyone else's.

i can't seem to get away from everyone looking to me like this is MY meeting all of the time. it wears really thin sometimes. i'm not sure what to do to stop this and get anyone else to step up. the woman who asked me to start this meeting with her is in major relapse. she still shows up to the meetings most of the time, but is so angry and bewildered as to why she just isn't getting it this time around. and i think that she is really angry at ME. and that makes me really bewildered.

when i read this today i think i got a clue. i think that somehow something got shifted on to me that shouldn't have been mine. i didn't ask for it and i don't think that i attract it, but i think it got put on me anyway, and that because i haven't picked up the mantle she is really pissed at me. anyway, i don't want the job, i'm not taking the job and i will continue to show up, one day at a time to work my own program.

these words of wisdom are from henri nouwen:

Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.

But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!

Ted Haggard/Oprah Interview

I'm watching the clips from the Ted Haggard/Oprah interview on the Huffington Post - and I don't know what happened in the whole show, but the truth and honesty he is using in the clips they show really touches my heart deeply. The lack of shame he is sitting with as he tells his story is beautiful. I don't know about any of it except as a fellow addict I find deep connection with his story and am so glad he has found some semblance of recovery.

Godspeed Ted! You're in my prayers.

The Huffington Post: Ted Haggard, Oprah Interview clips

shadow pain

i can always tell when i react (or overreact as is usually the case) that it's rarely about the situation that i'm currently in - but it's about the unresolved junk from my past that is pushing my buttons. i call it the shadows. they lurk behind whatever it is in my present that makes everything look bigger, darker and loomier (i just made that word up) :D

identifying and taking away the shadow helps reduce everything to it's natural size and stops it from looming over me and pushing my buttons. hope just put this quote on her blog and i really liked it alot:

"Life work is always about learning to respond to the events in our present life with the emotional intensity appropriate to the event and not with the emotional intensity that was appropriate to tragic situations twenty or thirty years ago........Serenity or living in a state of recovery is all about letting yesterday be yesterday and today be today. Recovery is training ourselves by practicing daily disciplines to act in the present as the present and not from the emotional stance of a thousand past yesterdays"

Earnie Larsen

via Hope

ugly theology

if you have read my blog for any length of time you will know that i have the utmost loathing for mark driscoll and all he stands for. that he made the nyt gives me shivers, but the article nails the ugliness that calvinism brings to the body of christ. if you are involved in the emergent discussion i recommend reading:

who would jesus smack down?

the enemy of truth

this is rippling into my consciousness today. from the OA For Today daily reading:

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.

John F. Kennedy

My food addiction was acquired so I could survive and cope in earlier, painful circumstances. Thus began two myths: First, that pain was to be avoided at all costs, and second, that eating would relieve the pain free of charge. These myths were useful then, but they are insanity today.

As I become willing to accept the truth that is revealed to me in this program, the myths I clung to so desperately lose credibility. I no longer need to be anesthetized; I can stand still and feel my feelings. I don't think something is wrong if I'm not happy every minute.

For Today: The more I accept the reality of what is, the more comfortable and serene my life becomes.

where is the myth that i am believing that is stopping the truth from setting me free today?

argh!

upgraded my other blog skin and was headed to fix this one too - but i will loose ALL OF MY widgets for this one when i change. ARGH!

anyone know how to save widget info before a switch? my other blog didn't have anything of meaning (except a blogroll that i have to recreate) - but this blog has TONS of widgets and they're not save-able like copying html code from old blogger templates - each one has to be reinstated individually. what a p.i.t.a. ARGH!

i have a cool modern lighthouse template that i was changing this to and this blog REALLY needs a facelift. anyone navigated this one before and have any tips you'd like to share??

oh - and btw - happy new year! :D

word for 2009 :thrive:

i have been praying for a word for 2009 the past month. a few weeks ago my blogger friend, the onion boy, owen had surgery and i checked up on him on facebook and saw his signature word :thrive: there. i thought "oh that's such a beautiful word - maybe that could be my word for this year"... then that little critical voice in my head said "oh sure, pick a nice, easy word - who doesn't want to thrive? isn't that a bit selfish of a word for the year? maybe your word should have something to do with hard work instead of something easy?" ah the critical voice, so painful and crushing, eh?

so i set the word aside waiting for another. it kept circling back in my thoughts. thrive... thrive... i really liked it, but again it felt selfish.

another facebook friend had posted that she was thinking about her word for the year in her update and i commented that thrive was whirling through my head, but i hadn't really had enough confirmation to pick it yet. after posting that i sat down with the novel i am reading "The Bean Trees" by Barbara Kingsolver and came upon the chapter where she takes Turtle to the doctor - the term "failure to thrive" appeared 3x in that chapter. it was enough of a confirmation that this was the word, failing another pressing itself into my world, for 2009.

we stayed home and played hooky from church today. i had purchased liam 'praying in color' for christmas and we took time today to make art and pray in color as a family. it was a beautiful time.

this has been a season of loss in my family. one of my cousins dropped dead of a massive heart attack last week, and another is struggling for life in the hospital as i type (unless he passed mercifully last night). both are/were only 50ish. neither had shown any signs of sickness. my art page had the name of my cousin and his mom (my favorite aunt) and images surrounding their names that were meaningful to me.

after we finished our pieces i was still feeling artsy (and liam had included his possible word for 2009 on his art) so i thought to make a page featuring "thrive". i got a bit stumped on the art front and headed toward the word front and looked up THRIVE at thesaurus.com:

Main Entry: thrive

Part of Speech: verb

Definition: do well

Synonyms: advance, arrive, batten, bear fruit, bloom, blossom, boom, burgeon, develop, flourish, get ahead*, get fat, get on*, get places, get there, grow, grow rich, increase, make a go, mushroom*, progress, prosper, radiate, rise, score*, shine, shoot up, succeed, turn out well, wax

Antonyms: decline, fail, languish, lose

(the "get fat" one made me laugh out loud! i plan on that being only a metaphor for the fatness of my soul!)

these past years have been about establishing a good root system that can sustain this "thriving" - maybe this year can be about what grows from that?

thank you owen - i hope you don't mind me borrowing your word! :D

image source

i detect a theme

ted haggard struggles with sexuality

Ted Haggard documentary to air on HBO in January - should be interesting to see what this adds to the discussion.

peace on earth

this picture was one of those that my son decided to jump into as seems to be his habit lately. he's a bit of a ham. i was getting frustrated with him as he was WRECKING ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT DAMMIT, JUST SMILE AT THE CAMERA AND LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING FUN ALREADY!...

sigh...

turns out i like this picture more than most i took that afternoon while we decorated our christmas tree together. it reminds me of what's important and that real is so much better than pasted on fake. so peace to you during these next few days of hustle and bustle. peace to us all.

complete

i just posted on "complete" and decided to look back through posts from this past year - and came across the post i wrote to celebrate one year of clean abstinence - 365

i wrote in there that this psalm was speaking deeply to me - and NEVER did i make the "complete" connection until today - it moved me so deeply i had to note it here - i'm still amazed at how 12 steps this passage really is:

Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

like i could be a tower

amy at pretty shiny has given me such a glorious compliment and the lyrics to a song that is making me float this morning. i wrote below about st. lucy day and how badly i long to be a light bearer into my community. i really got to do that on saturday night. we had such a wonderful time at the party - and there was so much laughter and joy. it was fun to have had a vision for this, put it together with my friends and blessed our community with a really fun night out.

the song amy gave me was "suddenly i see" by kt tunstall. i had heard it in stores, or on tv, but i've never really listened to it before and it's one of those songs that is so catchy and fun. this morning i looked at the lyrics and found in those words the woman that i long to be and am slowly becoming.

my word for 2008 was "complete" - it was a strange word and i've sat with it throughout the year wondering what god wanted me to learn from it. it has an element of "done-ness" to it that i don't think will ever play into my life - i am recovering, not recovered. but there is a whole-ness that word speaks of and i have come to feel it this past year. like the pieces of me have shifted in a way that closes the gap in some of those severely broken places. i am no longer ashamed to be a woman. i am living in my skin for the first time i can remember. i feel like myself. i know that sounds strange, but last weekend was the first time i was really myself - not projecting or protecting - just me, complete. not completed, just complete.

the lyrics touch some really personal places for me. the first line of the song,

"Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world"

redeems something beautiful for me. i have a desperate case of rosacea, it has been complicated by an undiagnosed allergy for 20 years of my life. i had no idea that i was allergic to non-steroidal antiinflammatories and took asprin & advil for 20 years and got horrific hives all over my face. this caused me so much shame and discomfort. the gp i saw told me to use hydrocortisone cream - never realizing that it was chronic for me and that i'd use it so often (too often), and the steroid thinned my skin - so i literally have a "road map" all over my face. it was magnified after i delivered my babies and my dermatologist said that my "flush & blush" reflex has failed and the capillaries have just blushed once too often don't close down like they should anymore.

it is one of those things that caused me so much distress. i finally have to come to the place where i accept it. i have good makeup, but it's not perfect. but it is who i am, and i hope that my eyes have enough light in them that people notice my eyes and not my scars. i want to carry myself like the song says (sans the magazine page):

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

the power to be, to give and to see - what a prayer. god, not only grant me serenity, but the power to be, to give and to see.

i love that the first verse speaks of seeing her - and the second about hearing her - this isn't just about looks, it's about being. complete. like i could be a tower - inside and out.

one of the videos for the song has kt tunstall singing to herself on the stage - knowing that the woman she sees is her complete self. this is why it means so much to me.

Here's the video amy sent me (and the lyrics follow)



Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

st. lucy day

i am scandanavian by heritage and growing up i had no spiritual heroines - so st. lucy, the bringer of the light was such a gift to me when i heard about her a few years back.

i so wanted pink to grow up differently than i did - so i figured celebrating santa lucia was a great way to do that. the first year we even made saffron buns, did the wreathe, the white nightgown and candles - it was beautiful. last year we decided that the buns weren't that good, and we liked our raisin tea biscuits better, so we made them instead. this year she had been asking about it (we celebrate st. nicks day for buck and we draw names and make home made presents that we leave in each others shoe the night before) for weeks. i really thought she was looking forward to it.

after our party set up last night (our small group is hosting a blast of a christmas party for our church tonight (my idea) at the university) she intimated that she was feeling put out and her best friend even voiced in about how much work it was for her. it was the first time i have been 'triangulated' by my daughter. i know it won't be the last, but i must say it stung. i don't do social situations well in the first place, let alone with all the weird stress between liam and i - and so this on top of it just bruised me.

i reassured her that st. lucy day was never a punishment and if it wasn't working for her that we could let it go. i grieved it a bit this a.m. as i awoke (liam and i had a lovely morning talk and cleared a lot of the air around here). i realized that sometimes i push on pink those things that i want so badly for myself. so i internalized st. lucy day and was determined to bring the light myself.

as i was getting ready for the party luciano pavaroti's santa lucia came on itunes and i realized again that today was st. lucy day - the day of the party i have been planning for over a month. how beautiful that it was a day that i get to bring light to my community.

i am dressed in my most favorite new clothes, feeling like $10000000 and holding the light inside. no expectations, just going to be present to my community and enjoy all of the hard work i have done with my beloved friends to prepare.

happy saint lucy day!

oh the irony is palpable

 

do i sound like chicken little? the sky is literally falling around here. my son yells "mom, the kitchen ceiling is caving in!"... what a metaphor for life today.

hope deferred

this verse is running through my head this morning:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

i am heartsick. liam's reassurances the other day truly caused hope to blossom in my life. he told me that W (how i'm going to refer to the therapist, i think his presence will play a big role in my blogging over the next few months, and i can't keep calling him "the therapist"...) had assigned him some remedial connection time with me. fool that i am i believed that he might actually be serious in following through with it. it was just a connection time each night (well, i thought it was supposed to be each night, he said he never said that - it was only supposed to be a couple of times, but it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened once), hold my hands, look into my eyes and do something simple together like the daily examen or something like that.

that was like an oasis in the distance to my dry, parched soul. i am so angry at myself for really believing he would do it, try it, attempt it, at least once.

every night after dinner i waited, anxious, hopeful, passive. i knew it wasn't my work to do, so most nights i retreated to our room to work on my own step work (resentments.. ironic how this is pairing with this phase in his recovery, it's bringing such pain and anger to the surface for me) so that i am not tempted to work his program, but do my own. i ended up crushed, wounded and defeated. i tried to be patient, wait and interact like a grown up. i even expressed my feelings on a walk to our kids christmas party the other night, hoping that might engage him in the process again. i figured that his own shame in having to face W today would at least motivate him to give it a try. last night he didn't even attempt it. plopped himself down in front of that damn television while i read in our room. alone. again. naturally.

last night was my meeting night. i knew that two of the faithfuls had a work christmas party, but hoped that others might show up. we had six last week. nope. last night i was alone. again. naturally.

i set up everything. everything. i laid out the literature, even though i knew no one would show. i surrounded the table with chairs i knew would sit empty. i read aloud to an empty room because i was there. i showed up. i needed that meeting last night like i needed the air in my lungs right now. i read step 12 out of the oa 12&12 - it was beautiful. it reminded me again why each and every one of those steps i am working on are so important in my life. i managed to fill 30 minutes. i just couldn't sit alone there for 30 more. so i carefully put everything back, locked up the church and took a walk for 30 minutes in the freezing rain. i was warm enough and my hood kept the moisture off me. and i enjoyed all of the beauty of the christmas lights and the hideousness of those horrible inflate-a-mate lawn decorations. i must say they are as obscene to me as the idea of a blow up doll replacing a live human female. but last night even they were comforting in some strange, small town way.

but today i am heartsick. shaming myself for believing him. angry at myself for getting my hopes up. how i long for that tree of life. i will not fall for counterfeit fruit though. by working the steps i know that i'm willing to wait for the real thing.

i hope you dance

one of my fb friends put this in his update today - and i watched, thought of pink and got all misty.

i hope you dance too...

after the meme

ha - i read on a couple of tags i did after the meme that they felt the same way i did after - "why did i write that? what will they think of me?" and then i went "duh, why in the world would you be embarrassed about any of that here - you blog on sexual addiction - you've knocked down those walls already - anyone who reads your blog knows this about you already!" :D

blowin' in the wind

yesterday was rough. probably one of the most difficult days i have allowed myself to have in a very long time. i felt terror, empty, panic, pain, temptation, confusion, and a whole host of other emotions. mostly i felt alone. i IM'd w/ hope for some time yesterday, it was a godsend, but left me feeling desperate for someone in my life close by who had a shoulder i could cry on. liam has always been there for that and yesterday even he felt far away.

i know that much of what i felt was far bigger than this situation with liam. it was the 'carving out' of long ago pain and familiar emotion that i have protected myself from so many times with my addictions. yesterday i felt it all. most of the time with my head in my hands weeping, or curled into a ball, clutching a pillow in bed. i have been quite buttoned up as of late and the grief was very cathartic.

throughout most of it i knew that much of what i was feeling, while very real, was only one perspective on this situation. that nothing in my life had truly changed, but everything was going to be different. i told hope that for the first time in a long time i really wanted my mom. the real bobbie. i'm glad now that she wasn't around, her comfort always tied deeply into my addictions, and she was my number one enabler. i faced yesterday and felt the emotion without reaching for my familiar comforts. i found healthy ways to express my pain and soothe my soul. your prayers, candles and space being held for me was tangible - i could feel it like tent pegs and poles holding me up. but the hollow places were very real. hope wondered if i could make friends with hollow. i swore and told her that was exactly what i was wondering too. psfd.

instead of shaming myself yesterday for feeling the way i was feeling i decided to sit with those emotions and understand what i was feeling. i realized i couldn't change my perspective unless i felt what it was right now.

the image that came to my mind was of a kite loose from it's string. i truly felt alone in the world. set aloft. i pictured that kite i flew with friends this summer at the beach. i danced with the wind that day. it was one of my most joyful of the summer. if i close my eyes right now i can fel how it felt to dance again.

when liam got home he came to the bedroom where i was curled and he listened and held me as i wept. i voiced my frustration and my fear. my deep desire to be known. to be understood. to have that soul mate. i questioned him to try to understand what he means when he says 'i love you' - does he feel emotion with those words, or are they just learned behavior? he told me that everything he knows to be true about love he feels for me. he reassured me that this was his work to do, and that he had begun. that although we had realized something, we had realized it and now he could begin.

i had such a throbbing head ache. he rubbed my head and prayed for me. he asked that god give me a new metaphor that would help me through this. i remembered the kite and echoed his prayer.

this morning i awoke to a great sense of peace and serenity. it was beautiful to realize that i did not break my abstinence, i made it through and worked my program and as i came to the computer i read this and realized that this truly is what most of my fear was all about. the winds of change. i teared up as i realized that god was building beautifully into the metaphor that i already had and re-framing it in such a beautiful way:

Accepting Change

The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting places - time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath.

But change is inevitable, and desirable.

Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, we're not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain we'll be restored to normal. Sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. Is it possible we're being prepared for a new "normal"?

Change will sweep through our life, as needed, to take us where we're going. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we don't know where the changes are leading.

We can trust that the change-taking place is good. The wind will take us where we need to go.

Today, help me, God, to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I'll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, and accept, even if I don't understand.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

i am not crazy

two posts in one day - back to back - what is this world coming to?

i need to get this out, a lot has happened this weekend emotionally and relationally and i need to interact with it.

i know i've blogged a lot about liam and earlier this fall even about his depression. he has been seeing the same therapist i have seen and he's making some real progress. liam and i had a really deep, really intense conversation on a drive the other day and i think he has finally understood something i have been saying for years.

i don't think i've ever really blogged about it here, so i'll try to start at the beginning. i have known liam for 25 years. 21+ of those we have been married. for about 20 of those years i have always thought it was me. always thought it was my problem, always thought i was crazy. these past five years i still suspected that i was inventing this, because my husband is so kind, helpful and involved, but last week in his session his (our) therapist confirmed that liam really has an attachment disorder. this has manifested itself in a few different ways, but most of them have slowly eroded their way into my psyche. water dripping on rock, carving out places that were never meant to be gone. most of those places are deep in my soul. deep in those soft places that are so intimate and private.

many of these places were probably begun in my relationship with my father, and that's probably why we fit together so well in the first place. all i know is that i am grieving. i am so sad. there is some relief in the fact that i am not crazy, but it is little salve to my soul.

things do make so much more sense now, but the way forward seems so hard. i told him that this kind of thing is the reason why marriages of decades dissolve. the psychic energy this takes over the long haul is so exhausting that when it is finally realized the way forward just seems somehow too far.

trying to help him see the damage that has been done seems fruitless. it's part of the problem. how do you live with someone who has never apologized and meant it? how do you live with someone who doesn't feel any ability to connect with your words, feelings and emotions? how do you make love to someone who's only ability to connect with you is physically? i feel like a fool. like someone who has convinced themselves that something is true because they really, really, really wanted it to be be true.

i know that liam loves me in the fullest extent of his ability to do so - but what does that make the past 25 years? have i been making it all up? have i been fooling myself? have i be so gullible and naive that i filled in all of the blanks myself? shit. i didn't want to have to go here. i didn't want to have to make this winter hard. damn. i don't want this trauma and depth this season. i've done my work. i've worked my program. i've slogged through my emotions and pain and i don't want to get sucked back in. damn.

i don't know the way forward. i know that i have been through the worst of it. i have lived with a man in deep denial and been in deep denial myself. it won't be easy, but it will get better, but damn it seems like so much work and i feel like such a schmuck. most of all i am just tired. tired and so very, very sad.

e/s/h

got an email today from a blogger friend in relapse. i'm sharing my response here in case it might help anyone else:

relapse is terrifying and i hear/feel your pain/fear. please know that i am praying for you as i type.

unhealthy recovery groups are sometimes more of a hindrance than a healing space. i am so sorry for that. our group is so small and it's taking quite some time to get things to a healthy place. we're the only one in a 90 minute drive radius, so it makes it hard when it's not scratching where i itch - but i "keep coming back" because i know that it's the place i need to be.

one of the things that helps me is to pray that there will be ONE THING that i can get from each meeting - just one thing - and i pray for that and the ears to hear it (i do this with my therapist too - actually even in conversations with friends too) - god just give me one golden thread to follow here - and make it shiny enough for me to see it - and then help me follow it to where you want me to focus.

i figure that if god can use a donkey to speak his truth he can use anything in my life to speak to me if i'm willing to listen.

baby steps for me are the key to my recovery. finding one right thing i can do, give up, set aside for a couple of weeks so that i can get some victory and momentum going. cold turkey & extreme measures NEVER work for me - if i have to give everything up it's easier to throw in the towel.

first i pray to be willing to be willing - and god answers that prayer. then i make a list of my binge foods - what is the chemical & emotional triggers that are setting me spinning? then i pick one - for me it started 9+ years ago with chocolate - i knew that was my biggest trigger and caused me the most shame. i was eating a box of little debbie swiss rolls by my self (in one sitting) each and every day. so i took chocolate off my list - i still ate sugar (actually zebra cakes each and ever day at the beginning) - just to get the chocolate and it's chemical dependence out of my system. i didn't shame myself for the zebra cakes - they weren't part of my current abstinence - it was a baby step. when i was able to get about 3 months under my belt i made another choice - the victory from being able to succeed at something (anything) meant that i wasn't as big of a loser as i had felt before i started - and that victory moved me to take another baby step. i have had 9 years of tiny baby steps - all based on victories, not shame and not extremes.

extremes are self defeating. they are dieting. and i am as compulsive about dieting as i am about eating. i cannot diet. diets rip each and every food out of our system - and i believe that we were meant to enjoy food - communion is a good thing.

the other thing that i have found out in this past year is that i am probably hypoglycemic - and that not eating filling, regular meals at regular times was causing me to need to snack. by eating 3 very filling, varied meals - lots of proteins, complex carbs and fruits & vegs - and i mean lots - my meals are not diet meals - i am full after i eat every meal - no dieting for me - it allowed me to make it to my next meal with my blood sugar intact. i think that for most of my life that panicky feeling that comes when my blood sugars dropped caused me to binge and break my abstinence.

i think that most oa's shame themselves for enjoying a real meal and still worry about what others think about what you put on your plate. i have stopped worrying about that - i know my body - and it's working. it's almost like i have kicked in my metabolism to it's proper place. i don't eat empty calories - and i don't eat my binge foods - and i do eat with relish everything else - and i enjoy it - and my body feels good - and my brain feels good and my emotions feel good.

something has clicked and i like it. it's not a food plan that works for everyone and they would probably kick me out of a meeting for saying some of this - but i don't think god intended for me to despise food - it is one of my basic needs, and it's something that is used to bring community and wholeness to people - i think that making food the enemy really goes a long way in defeating most oa-er's - it doesn't need to be my best friend any more - but it definitely doesn't need to be my enemy either. i'm not fighting the food anymore. i feeling my feelings (most of the time) :D and trying to learn from them.

figuring out why some foods have an emotional hook to them too has helped me greatly. binging on cookie dough was more about the fact that it brought back the memory of my grandmother coming to visit and make cookies with me - nurture me and care for me, and that my parents were always on their best behavior and that we felt like a real family during those times - that's really what i was hoping cookie dough would give me - it never did... but finding out why that had it's hooks into me helped so much. figuring out ways to nurture myself, to find other women who nurture me - and to take that lack and that want to god and allow it to be lack has helped that food to loose it's power of me. and i know that when it's calling to me again i can use that as a flag to remind me that i'm low on my nurture tanks and need to do some good self care and some interaction with healthy, nurturing people.

clearing you out for some new delight

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty
of its furniture, still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Source: Rumi, The Guest House

via inward/outward

so this is christmas

paying it forward

commander in chief

news on the huffpo today that gwb could be drinking again. i am not a fan of the man, but my heart goes out to him during this time. i know he's made his bed, hell, he's made all our beds, but recovery is hard enough when you work your program on a good day - let alone when the whole world hates you (for real)...

also news that his mom is in the hospital...

life just doesn't get easier sometimes. i said a prayer for him today. if this isn't bottom and he's not working his program, i don't know how bad it would have to get for him to get sober again.

i really feel for laura - i read she's writing a memoir - i wonder how honest she'll let herself be?

there were so many times in his eight years that i heard the clouded alcoholic thinking in his words or saw in his choices. so many times i thought "he's not working a program" or "there is no evidence of serenity in his life or words"... scary to think that even a white-knuckle drunk president had so much power.

the clarity and decisiveness that BO speaks with tells me that he is the most diferentiated person we have seen in a very long time. so healthy. i pray he stays that way.

one of my greatest fears about john mccain was that he showed great evidince of addiction in his lifestyle and choices. i knew that our world could not afford another unrecovered addict in the white house.

god bless america.

my mind and my time

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

A man is what he thinks about all day long.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is true for women too. We sure learned that about our disease as well. It kept us thinking about alcohol or drugs all day every day until we could think of little else. Finally we became addicts, gobbled up by our all consuming thoughts and cravings.

Now in recovery, we can be something else. We are becoming free of our addiction, and our minds can think about other things. What do we want to think about? What do we want to be?

It's easy to let the noise around us tell us what to think about. At the end of the day, we can end up feeling out of touch with who we are. We've been giving our minds to whatever is on the radio, television, or the gossip grapevine at work or school. That's why it's good to spend part of each day thinking about things we truly think are important and worthwhile.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, Help me understand that what I do with my mind and my time is important. What I do with my mind is my inner life. What I do with my time is my outer life. Together they define who I am.

Today's Action

I will think about the way I use my mind and my time today. What feels good and fits for me? Is there anything I want to do differently tomorrow?

You are reading from the book:

God Grant Me... by Anonymous

365

i celebrate an anniversary today. 365 days - one year - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time. writing every night in my journal - for 365 days i have done it. this past year has been the most rich and rewarding time i have ever experienced in my 43 years on this planet.

something deep inside me has shifted. it is truly beautiful.

back in october i celebrated 9 years without chocolate, sexual addiction and evening readings. this past year has been more powerful than the previous 8 combined - but together they have changed everything.

the promises are coming/have come true in so many ways.

i have found myself, and i really, truly like who i am today.

10 sizes, lots of weight - i am as compulsive about weighing myself and being tempted to diet as i am compulsive about over eating, so that is a part of life i abstain from too, i have no idea how much weight i have lost, but usually 10 lbs. is a size for me, so it could be as much as 100 lbs. i have no idea. the temptation to weigh has been there far too often, but i know deep in my heart that the number will drill it's way into my little brain and torture me. i track my weight by the way my clothes fit. it's working for me, so i think i'll keep doing it.

for once in my life i truly feel comfortable in my own skin. i am happier with my body and myself today than i was in high school or college. i literally can't remember the last time i had a 34" waist. 7th grade? i really don't know. and the best thing about it is that the weight is a side effect of what is happening deep inside of me. it is not the goal, it is just a happy coincidence. my physical, spiritual and emotional life truly gives me such joy.

it's not perfect by any stretch, and i have not arrived, but i am thrilled with today and will awaken tomorrow to keep taking it one day at a time. thanks for journeying with me, i know that my blogging has been affected by my journaling. but i have gotten in touch with my voice in a very different way.

yay me. i am so proud of myself. i shared this with my group tonight and it says so beautifully a lot of what this year has encompassed for me. i was so surprised to find it in the psalms. it has recovery written all over it:

Psalm 18:20-24
GOD made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to GOD's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
GOD rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

i have a dream...

well, a vision more than a dream. i don't know if this will be a return to blogging, but i needed to get these thoughts out in a safe place or my head will definitely explode.

i just had the most exciting meeting in my life. i know that could be hyperbole, but i don't think it is. i have dreamed of figuring out what i'm supposed to do in this community, and i think i just cleared the first real hurdle to finding out what that might be.

one of the ways my mind works is that when i hear about problems i begin to think about them to see if someone's problem might be someone else's solution. a few weeks ago i heard that the catholic churches in our community are being consolidated. each and every day i look out my kitchen window i see one of those churches. i began to think that possibly, just possibly their problem was my solution. i know that i will never have such an opportunity in my life to pioneer something like i do right now. we don't rely on me to provide any income at the moment, and i know it's time to begin to make myself more useful outside of the house. i think it is the ideal time to start something.

i have been praying long and hard to figure out what that something is. so many of my conversations lately have been with people about "next" and what it might be. today i met with a man who influences this discussion and i was heard, honored and encouraged. it was such a god appointment. so much fun and so life giving.

i think it might be possible that my solution to their problem just might be a real god answer to both of our paths. i can hardly believe it really could move to the next level. i have never stepped out like this before and not gotten my toes chopped off. to have firm ground under my feet feels really good.

i sent erin an email in response to something she sent me and said "PRAY" - she wrote back and said "how can you do this and do a house too?" i forgot to blog that after the financial crunch hit that beginning a mortgage seemed like a really dumb idea - so unless god gives us a home i think we'll keep our options open. (although i did just get a tour of the parish house today and it would suit our needs beautifully...)

anyway - i am putting together the beginnings of a proposal for monday and eventually hope to be giving that proposal to the local bishop. i found out today that the women's shelter in our community used to be a nunnery - and that it is leased from the catholic church for $1.00/year. that's the kind of miracle i'm hoping for here. any prayers, advice or encouragement on this would be appreciated. our community is in desperate need of a place where all are welcome and that can give life and stability to many. it is my vision that this might be that kind of place. thanks for listening.

where i've been...

If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I think I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person.

Thomas Merton

via inward/outward

wholly ground

Maybe
it is after we have made it
or have been made
whole and holy by it
that we can shuck it off
like a husk
and become it
not just dwell on it
now, being wholly ground,
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
being
close enough to the ground
to hear the steady pulse
of eternity.
Oh, yes, we want a love
we can hold in our palm
and a place on a map called
Holy,
not a wonderland tale
where we are someone else's
dream
where we are the real
estate
for the ground of being.
But wait --
look
the door is open!
It is so easy to offer your heart
to holiness.
The slightest tip of your hat
is all it takes.

Source: Loretta Ross, Making Sanctuary, Vol. 16, No. 4, The Sanctuary

Add your thoughts at inward/outward

happy-go-lucky

re-framing the situations and story i find myself in has been one of the best new tools in my box lately. i think perspective has TONS to do with how we choose to move through life. i remember the story of the twin boys, one optimist, one pessimist, on christmas morning. the parents tried help each boy to a more realistic perspective on life and gave the pessimist a pony and the optimist a big pile of poo - and the optimist jumps for joy and starts digging, conviced that there must be a pony buried in there somewhere.

finding the silver lining, or at least re-framing my circumstances has helped me so much in this past year to have a more positive outlook.

this film trailer is one of the most hopeful, shiny moments i have had in quite some time, i just can't wait to see the film:

happy-go-lucky

the process of liberation

Who Can Free Us?

It is only the oppressed who, by freeing themselves, can free their oppressors. The latter, as an oppressive class, can free neither others nor themselves. It is therefore essential that the oppressed wage the struggle to resolve the contradiction in which they are caught, and the contradiction will be resolved by the appearance of the new (wo)man: neither oppressor nor oppressed, but (wo)man in the process of liberation. If the goal of the oppressed is to become fully human, they will not achieve their goal by merely reversing the terms of the contradiction, by simply changing poles.

Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed

via inward/outward

what a guy!

are you registered to vote?

a light in the darkness

i can hardly begin to tell you now having no expectations this weekend led to one of the most enjoyable times liam and i have ever experienced together. on friday he saw the therapist - all on his own, scheduled without my involvement and he told me that afterward he began to understand and admit that there was more to what i was seeing than he wanted to acknowledge. he will go back in two weeks and shared much of the connections he is making.

i think that initiative allowed me to trust him again and be open to whatever this weekend had in store for us. and oh my what a weekend. it surpassed even what my imagination could have constructed. holding things with open hands and no expectations helped me so much to be present to what happened instead of comparing it to something in my head that wasn't happening like i imagined.

the spa was glorious (although it never crossed my mind that i might have a male masseuse - it definitely freaked me out for a couple of minutes and then i just finally relaxed and enjoyed it) the hotel is old world charm and our room was glorious. we walked in to a surprise gift basket filled with things only our closest friends might have known we loved (and none of the things they knew we wouldn't enjoy like chocolate or alcohol) the card was not signed, so our secret angels wanted their anonymity protected. all in all i just felt so much love, comfort and joy. i know that so many of you were praying and i continually felt buoyed up throughout the weekend.

so many times we just looked at each other and giggled that it could be so fun and care free at this stage of our lives. i am still amazed.

thank you again for your words, thoughts and prayers. it truly was a celebration.

feeling less desperate

i think that getting things off my chest helped a lot to lessen the panicky feelings i was having.

because i have struggled with depression myself far too many times in my 42 years i can feel it's pull. seeing that black hole in our home again gave me such a fright. hearing that sucking noise again removes rational thought from my mind and steals my serenity as it calls to me.

somehow i felt like meg trying to save charles wallace from danger i was more able to understand. it all seemed so very urgent. talking about it has returned perspective, helped me to grasp my place in the world. remove the drama and replace the reality. liam is not a five year old being stalked by a vortex of evil and no matter how much i wish it to be true, i am not meg murray.

b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

so this weekend i get to be poly and head to the ocean instead.

new life does come from compost

our wonder from down under, kel left this encouragement in my comments yesterday:

"new life does come from compost"

all of your phone calls, emails and comments mean so much - thank you.

one thing written by a friend stuck out dramatically to me - "may you have... the wisdom and sobriety to discern what is reality". that nailed it for me. i have been doubting myself and my own reality and what i know to be true for months now. it has affected my sanity and i have many times wondered if i was crazy.

liam isn't non-functioning - he is working, helpful and doing everything - doing, doing, doing... being on the other hand has evaporated. he told me this morning "i don't fit any of the classic symptoms so your diagnosis can't be true". i looked at him with tears in my eyes and reminded him that i knew where he once was and where he is now, and the two are so drastically different. he can "do" all he wants to to prove i'm wrong, but he can't seem to "be" who i knew him to be anymore.

the crux of this is that his addiction of workaholism looks so damn healthy. i said this morning that if it was booze or food or any other behavior he'd be able to see that "doing" more isn't really helping. the conversation ended with promises he's made for years now that have gone unfulfilled. i finally told him i didn't believe him any more. it wasn't going to go away because he felt bad, or even faked through an effort.

you see i wouldn't really care so much if we weren't going away to "celebrate" our anniversary this weekend. we were given a night in a world class hotel with a spa package by friends who are even watching our kids for us while we're gone. when i can't even muster up some excitement for that you know it's bad. i'm trying for all i'm worth, but the idea of false intimacy and sex with someone i feel so very far away from right now makes me feel hollow inside.

i will comb the beach, read a good book, enjoy my pedicure and massage and being apart from my kids for a night, but i let him know that there would be no intimacy unless it is real and emotional. physical intimacy without that leaves me feeling so desperately alone afterward. i'm so needy that i usually say yes, but i hate myself in the end.

i think that is what prompted me to finally talk about it. to write about it and to answer honestly when people asked me how things were going. i'm tired of living a lie.

i sat next to him at a wedding this weekend and for the first time in my life i did not connect emotionally with the vows. for the first time i thought "till death?" - what about life? where is the life? why aren't there any vows about living?

i'm placing the rest of kel's comment here so i can remind myself of their truth:

"how it impacts your life, as an individual, wife, mother, IS your story to tell, if you want or need to

there is nothing worse than having something affect your entire life, yet not being able to talk about it, to "protect" those who caused the situation in the first place"

thank you again for all of your support. it means the world to me.

out of respect for the depressed...

i thought of calling this post "out of respect for the dead", because depression sure feels like emotional deadness to me while i'm on the outside looking in. i think i figured out why i have been so silent here. i'm not very good at not talking about EVERYTHING - and you see this everything lately has little to do with me and my journey. it's shitty being married to a depressed spouse. shitty.

i have been silent because i thought it's not my story to tell, it seemed too private some how. but i've also realized that part of me is dying inside. i don't live closed up and shuttered. i never have. i can't work his program. i can't make him get help. i can't do anything but my own stuff, so i'm back. working my program. and part of that is processing my life. this is an anonymous blog. yes, most of you know me, and some of you know him - but i can't stop moving forward anymore. it's scary as hell, but i need to talk about this. i need to open the shutters and get some fresh air in here.

it has begun to affect my own mental health and recovery and that is just not an option. any prayers or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign...

Okay, I give.

Coming home from camping the other day we stopped at the Goodwill and I peeked through the housewares section quickly. Stacked in amongst the frames I found a print by one of my favorite artists, maryanne radmacher. i was so tickled.

then, i saw it was signed. by her. in pencil. right at the signature. a signed maryanne radmacher print for $2.99. then i read it. gasp.

may your walls know joy;
may every room hold laughter
and
every window
open to
great
possibility.

the side of the print has a portion torn from a dictionary for "home", it has words like "focus, habitation, near, interior, arrival, refuge, present within, at ease, social gathering, be at, to visitors, freedom, pleasure, content, make oneself free, sociable, stay at, knowledge, skill, with friendship.

the little block under it has the words to favour, gain the friendship of, embrace; receive with open arms, meet half way, take in good part, affected, unhostile, neighbourly, sympathetic, harmonious, hearty.

it is a housewarming print and i got mine right from the artist. :D

yesterday i was im'ing with penni and she asked about the house. i told her i was beginning to chicken out. i felt some fear in the disappointment and was avoiding doing what was next. there is a business man at our church who walked our friends through the difficult process of returning the house to the bank, and i knew he would be the person to ask to help us. for some reason i was avoiding making the call.

penni gave me a shove. i got off the computer, picked up the phone and called. he wasn't home, but called me back. he was so excited. i could just hear it in his voice that this might bring this journey full circle for him too. he said he'd be happy to help us meet with the right people at the right time and help us to figure out what the bid should be and how to navigate the process well. he said that this kind of thing is one of his favorite things to do - so his excitement in all of this reassured me that doing 'the next right thing' was exactly the right thing. thank you penni for the push! he cautioned me though that this could definitely take some time. banks don't move quickly and i reassured him that we weren't in any rush (but in my heart of heart I WANT IT yesterday!)

then last night i shared vaguely about this process. our group knows that my heart beats for a home, for some roots. i had only shared with one couple so far of THIS particular home. they prayed for us - and three of them said specifically "by Christmas" - by Christmas - I gasped. Really? I barely could ask for so much. One of the women heard in my voice my hesitation and spoke directly to my insecurity of being afraid of asking for something so big. that somehow i didn't think i deserved this. it was truly beautiful.

i joked afterward as we were making plans for the next week that we would host the christmas party! :)

then today after we were done garage sailing (we do sail through them!) we went out for chinese buffet. we have a tradition in our family that the fortune cookies are disbursed by taking the one closest to you, otherwise it could mess up the karma (no spiritual beliefs here, just laid back joking, honest). i don't know if i mentioned in the last post that one of the things that really started me down this path was our financial advisor giving us a bit of a shove into this and that shortly after that we had chinese and liam got a fortune that read "You will move to a wonderful new home within the year." - it was such a joke for us, but stranger things have been known to happen. i kind of held on to that and only really remembered it as "you will move into a new house" (the timing was lost to my memory).well, today the kids and i had opened our fortunes and they were pretty bland, and liam's was sitting there while he ate his dessert - and i joked and handed it to him saying in a spooky voice "you will move into a new house"... and guess what. it's EXACTLY THE ONE HE GOT!

within the year. from liam's fortune cookie to god's ear...

sexual addiction is making the news

David Duchovny's sex disorder likened to alcoholism.

Is Sexual Addiction Real?

When Sex becomes an Addiction

redemption songs

i can't believe it's the last weekend of the summer. it has flown by and been glorious. we head off today to celebrate the end of the season with friends camping on the coast.

it has been a summer of dreams and deep conversations. it feels wonderful to be dreaming again. admitting hope and rising above the terror that disappointment could and might bring can be a mighty powerful thing.

one of the dreams that i have given voice to is my deep desire to own a home again. we have moved 18 times in our marriage. i am ready for some roots. i deeply long for a home to call our own again.

when we entered ministry over a decade ago we gave up the new home we had just purchased and entered into a long time of financial difficulty and strain. i have been praying that god would restore to us what the locust have eaten. we live very simple lives and i could rent for the remainder if it was god's will. (i type that in recovery terms, not the "god's will" or my fundamental upbringing - those are two very different things to me now even though they occupy the same language).

i am ready. i long to sink deep roots into rich soil. it is fertile here and we know that this could be home forever and continue to nurture us greatly and allow us to nurture others.

some of our best friends here have gone through one of the most hellish summers i know. the beginnings of a business, a dream of restoration and creating homes for our community got quickly off course and deeply troublesome for them. the home he was flipping is being returned to the bank this week. from the outside it still looks like a spook house, but inside. oh inside. it is a house dreams are made of. the original family suffered great loss, bankruptcy and divorce. the house was left in shambles. it has begun to be restored. another family suffering great loss and difficulties that threatened the very fiber of their family, but they have made it through. we walked along side them.

the redemption in this property is palpable. it drips of restoration and redemption. i have never wanted anything this badly in my life. never. maybe i have but have never admitted it before? i don't know. but this. this i long for. this i desire. not in a broken, spoiled "give it to me or i will punish you" way, but in a 'deep desire of the heart' kind of way. the redemption story here is just too great. it is bigger than a house, it is bigger than a home. i want to tell this story of restoration. i want to live in a home that reclaims that loss.

it is just one piece of property and i know that other places have different stories to tell, and maybe my house is one of them. but i am so intimately tied into this one already, i would love to see it's fulfillment.

most of you know that liam's father passed away last spring. we had prayed that there might be some financial benefit passed to his kids. so far there is no word of that. i got an email from his stepmother this morning in my inbox, right after liam and i prayed together about this. it was the standard forward email, but i took the time to update her on our lives and felt the nudge to tell her of this dream. property values in our little town on the edge of civilization are laughable by other standards. we're talking very little money here. but i am praying that god will move her. cause her to understand how very much some small generosity on her part could have huge repercussions in our lives.

next week we have an appointment with our new financial adviser. he was the one who planted this seed of possibility in our heads at the beginning of summer. i don't know where it will lead, but i want to be done with small dreams that never disappoint. i want to reach beyond the fear and hope for something so big that it just might happen.

i long to sing my own redemption songs.

maybe why i haven't been blogging much???

Hiddenness, a Place of Purification

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

Henri Nouwen

pushing through the crust

i have enjoyed a season of peace and tranquility recently and i am hesitant to move past it. it feels like the crust that cools over the top of the hot lava and begins to turn to stone. hiding the heat and tumult that is lying just below the surface. last fall was so intense. so deep and so important. what happened after was the product of the hard soul work i had done, but very little has been done since that time. i've been content here on the surface and have enjoyed to joy of looking forward instead of within. deep within. (photo source)

i sensed last week though that i was avoiding things. that i was disengaged somehow. it is not normal for me and i know it signals a need for the next layer of the onion to be examined.

our holiday was magnificent. we were honored and graced with so much abundance it made me giddy. i know it will be one of my childrens most cherished memories. they will never hear the waves of the ocean without being reminded of that trip. it was truly special and i am very grateful.

i am sure that the lava bubbling below the surface now has much to do with my father and my own personhood. if there was a low to this trip it was seeing how unhealthy he has become. not just physically either. some days we were like two flies trying to find their way out of a trapped room, both banging on the screens and trying to escape. a couple of times he snapped and it caused me such sadness.

there were some sweet moments, but so often they were clouded by his inability to be present and i was reminded far too often of my own proclivity to isolate and withdraw out of fear and insecurity. there were also far too many times when i saw the parallels between my beloved husband and my ornery father. and the ache that created in my heart as i realized i did marry a man so much like him in the inner places, and yet so very different on the outside. i was able to identify the deep wounds that seem to reopen so frequently in my interactions with liam - shadowed pain that i react to instinctively. there were times this was so clear it took my breathe away.

i tried to sit with it and understand the deep triggers this engaged in me without lashing out to hurt those around me. most of that time was spent looking at my toes in the sand, agate hunting on the beach. my mind a whirl with comebacks, indignation and the deep desire to escape the pain.

there was a moment my father lashed out at me publicly and my aunts were able to see my pain and sought to comfort me. i was able to process my deep desire to stand up for myself and speak to my father about all that i have wanted to say for years. i just knew that i didn't want to have any of it clouded by anger, cruelty or childish behavior that would taint my message and keep him from hearing me. talking with them, and liam helped prepare me as i knocked on his bedroom door.

i asked him if we could talk and he turned off the golf game. i acknowledged how difficult our relationship was and how simply he seemed to be able to relate to my sister. i spoke of the pain that comes from that, but understood that it was just as difficult for him as it was for me. he explained that his frustration with me stemmed mainly from my assumption that i always knew what he was going to say. i guess it was a bad habit i inherited from living together for five years. cutting to the quick instead of having to listen to his meandering instructions. i guess it was my way of reminding him i was really smarter than he was... i apologized and committed to trying to listen.

i then told him that what i had always wanted from him was for him to be proud of me and how i spent my whole childhood trying to reinvent myself to get his attention by doing the things that he liked, hunting, fishing and sports. i said that i was sure he always wanted a son because it seemed he was only able to relate to me when i was participating in more male activities and how hard it was for him never to just notice me for who i was and say things like "you're a really good mom and i'm proud of you." or things like that.

i left a gap hoping for some affirmation. it never came.

so i ventured into freedom. i knew that i would never get this chance again and that my motivation in this was not dad motivated, it was self motivated and i needed to separate myself from the subtle control i have let him exert over me in the past.

i then told him that most of all i wanted him to understand that my choice to use my gifts wasn't seated in rebellion. the most diabolical part of his control was the arrogance he lorded over me in judging that god was on his side theologically. it was never openly acknowledged, but i loathed the fact that in his mind i was thumbing my nose at him and god by making the choice for ministry i have made.

i was able, calmly and clearly, to talk to him about this and explain that there are many people in the kingdom who take scripture seriously who come down on the opposite side of his views. that i wasn't trying to change his mind and he could believe forever that i was mistaken, but that i wanted him to understand fully that i was not being rebellious. that was the burr that had rubbed me raw. i was really proud of myself for remaining calm, not hitting below the belt and not shaming him in any way. i spoke my peace, challenged him and his memory (especially of my mother and her gifts and spunk), honor myself and finally cut the unhealthy chord that tied me to him.

i left gaps in my explanation for him to talk and a few times i reminded him that i wasn't trying to change his mind and that i was okay if he never, ever supported me in this. strangely enough, i meant every word of it, and it became more true as i gave words to it. i realized that it is his loss. god will restore what the locust have eaten.

to his credit at the end of our conversation he did say that he would pray about it. i believe he will. i am more sure that the holy spirit, if he is open, can do far more than i would ever be able to accomplish.

so i didn't hear my coveted "i'm proud of you" or even a hearty "i love you", but i am truly okay with that. i just know that i have some inward work to do in this area to reclaim the places of me that have been lost to the many years of neglect and denial.

hodge podge post

i can't believe how long it's been since i've actually blogged. i've highlighted a few things here and there, but putting words down has been sparse. i have been journalling and answering step questions for my sponsor, but blogging has been non-existent.

it will be for the next couple of weeks too. we leave sunday for the closest southwest airlines airport (5 1/2 hours away) and spend the night in town and fly monday to portland. we've got 2 nights there and then a week on the california border at my aunt's house. my dad's 5 sisters will all be there and i am guessing that this will be the last time i'll be able to be with all six of them together. they're all getting old. my favorite aunt had a stroke this past year, my dad isn't playing basketball with the kids anymore. he can still shoot and coach, but he told me today he's done playing (which shocked me and broke my heart) and the other four are all just about as unhealthy.

these five women are the last ancestral links (except for one maternal aunt) i have on the planet... they are incredible women. some endured very difficult spouses, addiction, heartache and trials of various types. they come (i come) from pioneer stock. i'm hoping to catalog and record many of their stories this time. we've got a couple digital video recorders and i'm hoping they can just forget they are there and keep talking. i'd hate to think that their stories pass with them. there is so much i want to know.

at the end of that week we have all rented two reunion houses on the pacific coast for 5 days and a lot of extended family will be joining us there. i can't believe how the details for this trip have fallen together. it really feels like a god thing.

i'm hoping to have a real heart-to-heart with my dad while i'm there. i so long to talk theology with him. he still holds so tightly to that old plymouth brethren mindset. i know it was special to him. it gave him hope when so little in life did. but i'd love to show him where it has hurt both of us. i don't think that patriarchy serves the male species any better than the female. only the alpha males who bark and bite really get to thrive in that environment, the rest of us just feel inadequate. i think my father has spent most of his christian life feeling really inadequate. the truly "spiritual man" that was held out had more of my set of giftings than his. that was the diabolical part of this. my mother and i were given the gifts he lacked and required to fulfill his ROLE in life.

it's such an ill fitting cloak and i have shed it. i'd really love for him to also. and if he can't just to understand why i have without labeling me as rebellious, as i have been anything but.

i am also going to tell him that the only thing i have ever truly wanted in life was for him to tell me he was proud of me. i had thought for years (decades?) that it would spoil everything if i had to ask for it, but hope challenged that idea and reminded me that anything worth having is worth asking for. otherwise it may go unfulfilled forever.

the most difficult part of all of this is doing all of it for myself and not for his reaction or response. i am truly walking into this with the hope that i am able to empower myself to break free of the restraints, real or imagined, that have kept me feeling captive to his approval and control. i long to be free.

i don't know what kind of access i'll have to the internet while away, but i will miss your words. if you think of me any prayers for our safety and this situation would be so appreciated. have a lovely couple of weeks!