i've made the big switch to the blogger beta and have played/argued with it all day. many things i really like - there are some other things i am not impressed with, but i know they'll work out the kinks soon.
if you take a look at my sidebar you will see the fruits of my labors. one of the frustrations i have had with blogger (actually all blogs in general) was that the meaningful posts that explain things get lost in the archieves. unless someone is intentionally searching for old posts and history new readers loose much of the story. also i know that there are some posts that i really have liked and would love for new readers feedback on them.
i have started with three sections, one on my history, why i'm anonymous, and some blog posts i really like. another is on my struggle with sexual addiction. it was the reason i started blogging - and i think there are far too many fellow strugglers out 'there' who feel alone, especially women. please know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! the third is a series i wrote about the serenity prayer. i want to re-read it myself, so i made sure to put it in sequence so that i (and others) could read it too.
another new feature of blogger beta that i LOVE and have been begging for is labels. this will really allow people to find posts about subjects they are interested in. it will take a long time to get the back posts done, but i am committed to getting this up to form as soon as possible.
a HUGE frustration i have is the new archieving system. old years are just stacked on top of each other - months are not tabbed anymore and it's really frustrating that you have to search through the whole year to find an old post. PLEASE FIX THIS BLOGGER PEOPLE!! we want to have past years tabbed by month.
i also have had difficulty putting haloscan comments back into my template - hopefully this can be corrected as so many of you have blessed me by contributing to my blog with your words of encouragement and community.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
advice to a first year teacher
amy at amy loves books has an incredible post for first year teachers.
a must read, especially if you are a teacher.
advice to a first year teacher
a must read, especially if you are a teacher.
advice to a first year teacher
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
my favorite catalog came today!
i just love this company and catalog! it's funny, irreverant and filled with all things womanly!some of the quotes and products make me laugh out loud!
a tea towel with:
"It's hard to be optimistic when your "fat" pants are tight!"
a key chain with the words imprinted:
"Oh shit, I've become my mother!"
there is even inspiring art, sculpture like this:
you can find it online here: femail creations
Monday, September 11, 2006
akeela and the bee
watched this video last night with our kids and was so moved.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles
ebible now live!
i've been using the beta for the ebible for months now and i really love it. it's very web 2.0 and thinks like i think. i highly recommend adding this to your study links:
ebible.com
ebible.com
Sunday, September 10, 2006
yah!
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Albert Einstein
Friday, September 08, 2006
what does sexism say about god?
oh you know how i love the sister:
Kiko and Couric: Whew, that was close | National Catholic Reporter Conversation Cafe - Sister Joan Chittester:
Kiko and Couric: Whew, that was close | National Catholic Reporter Conversation Cafe - Sister Joan Chittester:
"From where I stand, the answer is clear. It's not only what sexism says about women that's wrong. It's what sexism says about God that is the problem. Sexism says that femaleness is the only thing in creation before which God is powerless. It says that the God who parted the Red Sea, drew water from a rock and raised the dead to life goes impotent before a woman. It says that the only substance on earth that God cannot or will not work through is a female. Poor God."read whole article here.
the singing bowl
hope commented on the family altar post and asked about the bowl in the picture above. it is a 'singing bowl' from nepal. liam brought it back with him when he was there a couple of years ago. it is made to ring like a bell when struck, or can be 'played' by ringing the lip of the bowl with the wooden puja (stick).
it plays different roles on the altar, the first being to remind me that we have much to learn from other cultures about centering and prayer. i think much has been lost to the church in healthy forms of silence and meditation. also, as a woman raised in farmland, white-bread, middle america i constantly want to remind myself that the world is far bigger than my own experience and i have much to learn from other cultures and peoples.
i also use it to break the silence after prayer. i am finding much life in engaging all of my senses in worship and this allows me to hear my prayers in a way i had not experienced before.
another important part of our altar is that all of the elements are represented. sometimes the bowl holds water and floats a blossom. right now it is holding ashes from a guided practice of writing down a fear and burning it. it was during the late winter when jobs were no where to be found and we were feeling the pull of 'what have we done moving here!'. those ashes are the ones used in the utmost desperation felt in the pain of that season and i angrily smeared them on my face, rending my shirt and crying out to god, begging to not be forgotten. they are a reminder that we weren't. (wow that took me back to that time instantly and the depth of emotion is seen trickling down my face even now.)
when the water is not there we have the fish liam drew on the rock while at dawsonwood cottage in the hospitable care of connie's husband rob while we healed from another dry season.
as i stated in the previous post, each item here is a sacred reminder to me of our path, where we came from and where we are headed. so, while a bit cluttered and un-simple it is all so treasured and vital for now.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
pushing against the invisible
a quote i didn't want to loose:
David Byrne Journal: 9.4.06: V for Vendetta, Paradise, Procession:
David Byrne Journal: 9.4.06: V for Vendetta, Paradise, Procession:
"When the Bass brothers financed the first Biosphere, that earth in a bubble out in Arizona, the trees all failed in an interesting way. All the trees in the biosphere were droopy and lacked the strength to stand upright. They grew, but were too weak to stand. They studied the problem and found the answer. No wind. The Biosphere bubble lacked any wind so the trees had nothing to make them sway. It was the swaying, pushing against an invisible yet very palpable force, that gave them the strength to grow upright, stand reaching up to the sky. I met one of the Bass brothers at an American Museum Association show and he took me to a Blues club that he owned in Fort Worth. The band was rocking and he was so down home I forgot all about the Biosphere so I never got to ask if the story was true."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
alone at last!
today is the first day i have been alone and quiet enough to sit in silence, light a candle and journal my thoughts. it is a good thing.
i hit my threshold yesterday. you know that imaginary mark you place on a calendar or in your mind that says "i can make it until HERE", "if i can just hold out until IT'S over", "only THREE MORE DAYS until they're gone"? i had been holding out 'the first day of school' as that threshold, and none of it was spent alone, in quiet or taking deep breaths. by supper time i was pretty stressed out.
i awoke this morning around 6:00 and laid in bed thinking through some inconsistencies i had been unable to put my finger on. the clarity was beautiful. so much so that i didn't want to loose the thoughts and headed for the computer. i realized on my way though that if i opened up the internet i would get lost (as would my clarity) in the looking glass this computer is for me far too many times.
so i did what i haven't done in months. i picked up a pen, grabbed my fresh, new journal and wrote three pages of thoughts on the ah-ha's i had this morning. oh how i have missed that medium. the horror of missing things (or getting old and not remembering that you are missing things?) is that the imprint it leaves on our lives disappears so very quickly that we forget how important it is.
writing by hand engages different parts of my brain that writing on the computer. it's actually why i still use lower case letters. because i spent so many years typing for the institutions in my life that i become a different person when i must punctuate and capitalize. it engages a part of my brain that is thwarted far too often by my frustrated perfectionist. so lower case slides right by him somehow. (and yes, he is a man, i don't know why - but he is...)
anyway, back to the real purpose of this post. after everyone left i grabbed my guide (the cup of life, joyce rupp, that is taking me FAR TOO LONG to move through) and my own 'cup of life', and the sparker to light my candles on my altar. downsizing here at the flat meant that the table altar we had at our last home didn't fit here and it gave me a lot of frustration trying to find a space where it could nest.
another frustration here at the flat is a monolith of a brick fireplace - when the roof was replaced on the house they didn't fix the chimneys and the three fireplaces are now just monoliths instead of useful, warm additions to our space (the lower apartment has 2, we only have 1). it was uncared for by previous tenants and needed some love. we used stove paint to clean up the interior bricks and then it just looked like a black hole in the room. ideally we would have candelabras and lovely pillar candles to fill it with - they just didn't fit into the budget. so in a brush of impulsiveness i decided to marry the two decorating dilemmas i was having and put the altar in the fireplace. i blogged about my deep desire for a sacred space within my home way back in october 2004.
ta-da.
it's not really what i would have chosen in my 'perfect decorating world' but it works for now. i really want to paint a wrapped canvas with a fire element art piece, but that will have to wait for those cold winter nights. until then this is where i light my candles and pray for you.
as i sat there on my knees i thought how busy it looked and thought that simplifying it might help. then realized how each piece on the altar was significant to me and i thought i'd give you a tour.
this is my inukshuk. i know they are 'supposed' to have legs. i tried and tried to balance the rocks we found (each member of the family or tribe gathers the rocks for the inukshucks and all are important and used). he kept falling over. over and over. to the point where i was going to start over, scatter the rocks and we'd all find new ones on another trip to the shore. then i realized that he wasn't a he, he was a she. she is me. i am here. life is found here. community is found here. sustenance is found here.
this birdcage is a gift from my family. it was one of my most favorite christmas presents. you see i needed a bird for my empty birdcage i posted about here.
and this is getting far to long of a tour and a blog post, so i will leave you with this, pink drew it for me years ago and it's of her and i celebrating together:
i hit my threshold yesterday. you know that imaginary mark you place on a calendar or in your mind that says "i can make it until HERE", "if i can just hold out until IT'S over", "only THREE MORE DAYS until they're gone"? i had been holding out 'the first day of school' as that threshold, and none of it was spent alone, in quiet or taking deep breaths. by supper time i was pretty stressed out.
i awoke this morning around 6:00 and laid in bed thinking through some inconsistencies i had been unable to put my finger on. the clarity was beautiful. so much so that i didn't want to loose the thoughts and headed for the computer. i realized on my way though that if i opened up the internet i would get lost (as would my clarity) in the looking glass this computer is for me far too many times.
so i did what i haven't done in months. i picked up a pen, grabbed my fresh, new journal and wrote three pages of thoughts on the ah-ha's i had this morning. oh how i have missed that medium. the horror of missing things (or getting old and not remembering that you are missing things?) is that the imprint it leaves on our lives disappears so very quickly that we forget how important it is.
writing by hand engages different parts of my brain that writing on the computer. it's actually why i still use lower case letters. because i spent so many years typing for the institutions in my life that i become a different person when i must punctuate and capitalize. it engages a part of my brain that is thwarted far too often by my frustrated perfectionist. so lower case slides right by him somehow. (and yes, he is a man, i don't know why - but he is...)
anyway, back to the real purpose of this post. after everyone left i grabbed my guide (the cup of life, joyce rupp, that is taking me FAR TOO LONG to move through) and my own 'cup of life', and the sparker to light my candles on my altar. downsizing here at the flat meant that the table altar we had at our last home didn't fit here and it gave me a lot of frustration trying to find a space where it could nest.
another frustration here at the flat is a monolith of a brick fireplace - when the roof was replaced on the house they didn't fix the chimneys and the three fireplaces are now just monoliths instead of useful, warm additions to our space (the lower apartment has 2, we only have 1). it was uncared for by previous tenants and needed some love. we used stove paint to clean up the interior bricks and then it just looked like a black hole in the room. ideally we would have candelabras and lovely pillar candles to fill it with - they just didn't fit into the budget. so in a brush of impulsiveness i decided to marry the two decorating dilemmas i was having and put the altar in the fireplace. i blogged about my deep desire for a sacred space within my home way back in october 2004.
ta-da.
it's not really what i would have chosen in my 'perfect decorating world' but it works for now. i really want to paint a wrapped canvas with a fire element art piece, but that will have to wait for those cold winter nights. until then this is where i light my candles and pray for you.as i sat there on my knees i thought how busy it looked and thought that simplifying it might help. then realized how each piece on the altar was significant to me and i thought i'd give you a tour.
this is my inukshuk. i know they are 'supposed' to have legs. i tried and tried to balance the rocks we found (each member of the family or tribe gathers the rocks for the inukshucks and all are important and used). he kept falling over. over and over. to the point where i was going to start over, scatter the rocks and we'd all find new ones on another trip to the shore. then i realized that he wasn't a he, he was a she. she is me. i am here. life is found here. community is found here. sustenance is found here.
this birdcage is a gift from my family. it was one of my most favorite christmas presents. you see i needed a bird for my empty birdcage i posted about here.and this is getting far to long of a tour and a blog post, so i will leave you with this, pink drew it for me years ago and it's of her and i celebrating together:
i knew the www felt warmer today!
wonderful to see your wonderful self and story with us again jen!! welcome back!
for those of you who are new to the blogosphere you are about to be in for a treat. jen is the reason so many of us began blogging years ago. we have missed you dear friend!!
about me - jen lemen
thanks for the update adam!
for those of you who are new to the blogosphere you are about to be in for a treat. jen is the reason so many of us began blogging years ago. we have missed you dear friend!!
about me - jen lemen
thanks for the update adam!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
some good recovery links
here are some recovery links i didn't want to lose in the tidy:
sex help
xxx church
12 step prayers
recovery promises
overeaters anonymous
restoring the glory
antidote to lust?
pure intimacy
sex help
xxx church
12 step prayers
recovery promises
overeaters anonymous
restoring the glory
antidote to lust?
pure intimacy
if you're bored
i'm tidying up my sidebar and didn't want to loose these links:
orisinal
toothpaste for dinner
movie maker
hypnotizing horses
the mirror project
lego bible
mr. picassohead
cheese racing
despair inc.
mesmorize
industrious clock
imagination at work
world beard and mustache champions
whack a yeti
make a mosaic
orisinal
toothpaste for dinner
movie maker
hypnotizing horses
the mirror project
lego bible
mr. picassohead
cheese racing
despair inc.
mesmorize
industrious clock
imagination at work
world beard and mustache champions
whack a yeti
make a mosaic
Amazon.com: Good Monsters: Music: Jars of Clay
oh i just downloaded this on itunes and it is INCREDIBLE!
Amazon.com: Good Monsters: Music: Jars of Clay
Amazon.com: Good Monsters: Music: Jars of Clay
Monday, September 04, 2006
oh thank heaven
i know that deb writes regularly about her family's ability to confuse and mix up phrases and words. it always makes me laugh when i read them.
liam and are always get a smile over our own fathers mix-ups - they both have the gift of not really nailing things right on the head.
i remember back when pink was a baby, we wanted a little toy cart for her and asked that liam's dad buy it for her for her 1st birthday. we gave him the particulars and told him that he could get it at toys-r-us or one of the big chain stores. so we were quite surprised at the party when she was given a knock-off, made in china car that played 'scotland the brave' when you pushed the horn. THE WHOLE SONG, over and over - and over...
he explained afterward that nobody in our area carried the pisher-fish kids car. he said he went to each store and asked the workers there where the pisher-fish section was and all he got was blank stares. (fisher-price)
last night liam got off the phone with his dad and was chuckling. he said his father was very moved by all of the world trade center remembrances and tributes that have been happening on the television these past couple of days. he said 'i can't believe 7-11 happened 5 years ago'.
anybody want a slurpee?
liam and are always get a smile over our own fathers mix-ups - they both have the gift of not really nailing things right on the head.
i remember back when pink was a baby, we wanted a little toy cart for her and asked that liam's dad buy it for her for her 1st birthday. we gave him the particulars and told him that he could get it at toys-r-us or one of the big chain stores. so we were quite surprised at the party when she was given a knock-off, made in china car that played 'scotland the brave' when you pushed the horn. THE WHOLE SONG, over and over - and over...
he explained afterward that nobody in our area carried the pisher-fish kids car. he said he went to each store and asked the workers there where the pisher-fish section was and all he got was blank stares. (fisher-price)
last night liam got off the phone with his dad and was chuckling. he said his father was very moved by all of the world trade center remembrances and tributes that have been happening on the television these past couple of days. he said 'i can't believe 7-11 happened 5 years ago'.
anybody want a slurpee?
Sunday, September 03, 2006
snap!
|
|
"Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend. You are quite the prankster that loves to make other people laugh."
via
Saturday, September 02, 2006
brainwaves
| You Are 30% Left Brained, 70% Right Brained |
 The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
Friday, September 01, 2006
rough night
i feel hungover. like i was hit by a mack truck. pummled.
i guess i didn't take my magnesium properly yesterday, or something else was off because i got one of those 'cold seizures' last night and just could not get warm.
i wish i knew how to stop this from happening. it feels so random, and it's really scary not knowing when it will happen and how to fix it. extra blankets. winter pj's. liam's cuddling so close i can't move. thick socks, even on my hands. i ended up last night with my winter pj's, winter robe, 2 pair of thick socks, and four blankets. it still took an hour to shake it.
my body feels like it was dropped off a cliff this morning. like i'm bruised deep inside. it has been so long since my last episode that i almost forgot how powerless it feels. i'm sure it's a type of hypothermia. buck had a similar reaction this summer after swimming. we just couldn't get him warm. i hope it's not hereditary.
we're supposed to go camping next week at bar harbor with friends. i don't think i can manage it with this looming again. i can't imagine not having the resources of warm clothes and heat on demand at my fingers in case this happens there.
i'm starting to loosen up and stretch, but it feels like someone took a sardine can key to the bottom of my spine and just wound it up tight. my head feels 10 lbs. heavier and i'm so thick and cloudy in my thoughts. oh i don't miss this at all.
since i started the magnesium i haven't even really had a headache. not a good feeling. i thought maybe writing about it would help to clear some of the fog and journal for me a reminder that keeping good tabs on my magnesium is important. hope you have a great day! thanks for listening.
i guess i didn't take my magnesium properly yesterday, or something else was off because i got one of those 'cold seizures' last night and just could not get warm.
i wish i knew how to stop this from happening. it feels so random, and it's really scary not knowing when it will happen and how to fix it. extra blankets. winter pj's. liam's cuddling so close i can't move. thick socks, even on my hands. i ended up last night with my winter pj's, winter robe, 2 pair of thick socks, and four blankets. it still took an hour to shake it.
my body feels like it was dropped off a cliff this morning. like i'm bruised deep inside. it has been so long since my last episode that i almost forgot how powerless it feels. i'm sure it's a type of hypothermia. buck had a similar reaction this summer after swimming. we just couldn't get him warm. i hope it's not hereditary.
we're supposed to go camping next week at bar harbor with friends. i don't think i can manage it with this looming again. i can't imagine not having the resources of warm clothes and heat on demand at my fingers in case this happens there.
i'm starting to loosen up and stretch, but it feels like someone took a sardine can key to the bottom of my spine and just wound it up tight. my head feels 10 lbs. heavier and i'm so thick and cloudy in my thoughts. oh i don't miss this at all.
since i started the magnesium i haven't even really had a headache. not a good feeling. i thought maybe writing about it would help to clear some of the fog and journal for me a reminder that keeping good tabs on my magnesium is important. hope you have a great day! thanks for listening.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
someone let the air out
i feel like someone has let the air out me. i am exhausted.
two days of long drives and day trips. pooped me out.
i have lots i want to blog on - but i don't have the energy for it today.
kids have play dates and i'm taking a nap.
two days of long drives and day trips. pooped me out.
i have lots i want to blog on - but i don't have the energy for it today.
kids have play dates and i'm taking a nap.
Monday, August 28, 2006
p!nk - conversations with my 13 year old self
darren at alternative hymnal has a great post on a song i wasn't familiar with by p!nk called 'conversations with my 13 year old self' - i know that i and some other blogging women i've spoken to have a real struggle with embracing that child within - that scared little girl or teen we were.
i think by doing so we heal somehow. p!nk does that here so beautifully:
The Alternative Hymnal » Pink - Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
i think by doing so we heal somehow. p!nk does that here so beautifully:
darren also has a brilliant idea for youth pastors or parents of teens to create media interviews of what they would tell their 13 year old self to show to the teens at their churches. i think this would be incredibly powerful - he says it brilliantly here:Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old selfYou’re angry
I know this
The world couldn’t care less
You’re lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You’re crying
At night when
Nobody else is homeCome over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won’t always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You’re the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old meYou’re laughing
But you’re hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I’ve been you
And now I’m just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don’t try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some timeThe pain you feel is real you’re not asleep but it’s a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don’t lose your passion or the fighter that’s inside of you
You’re the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old meConversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old selfUntil we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me
The Alternative Hymnal » Pink - Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
the higher road
i have found in most of my life that i rarely take the higher road. even when i'm right i burn myself by my emotional reactions to incidents rather than keeping my mouth shut and allowing the other person to look the fool, or to be shown for their bad reactions.
'respond, don't react' is one of my favorite recovery principles. i try to remember it... and when i do i find that i am better for it.
one of the only ways to engage my father in community is to play cards. so we have a family game that i have grown up playing that is quite involved (6 decks) and it's usually a full evenings entertainment playing together. it beats sitting in the living room with the tv blaring to sports night or some other dumb sport show (sorry...)
last night we again started to shuffle the cards and play. it was an amazing weekend. we had a picnic over the river at a friend's home. so much of our community was there and it was a real time of interaction and blessing. yesterday my two kiddos were baptized (i'll blog about this later) and it was one of the most amazing days of a mom's life.
when it was all over i realized how exhausted i really was. it was like someone let the air out of me. i had nothing left to give. buck's little friend was there for dinner and if liam hadn't bbq'd burgers i think we would have starved. i could hardly put thoughts together to think of all that needed to be done.
i shouldn't have agreed to play cards. i really shouldn't have. but i knew that not playing meant everyone else would be left with nothing to do. i had a new good book to read and sleep was calling me - but i figured sleep can come after tuesday.
it's always men vs. women. and we were winning. i had the cards in the second hand to go out and asked my partner if i could - it was a quick hand and i was going to 'set' the guys with negative points. my father is one of the most competitive people i know. i have relinquished everything competitive in my life because i can see the same nature in me and i loathe it. i really wasn't goading him, i just had the cards and really just wanted the game to be over. i didn't realize that we didn't have one of the requirements for going out and he finally caught it and came after me. his reaction was way over the top and i sat there dazed.
he was like a school yard bully. competition brings out the worst of my father. it has my whole life. normally i have the resources to take it. normally i just internalize whatever he says and does and count it as my bad. i had learned in the 5 years we lived together learned to begin to stand up for myself, but what that usually meant was me over-reacting to his reaction and me looking like the over-emotional idiot and hurting my cause. definitely taking the low road.
last night i was just able to see his reaction for what it was, kind of outside my body. say 'whoa, that was a huge over-reaction, if you had just pointed out that i missed this kindly i would have just passed.' but as i sat there i became so sad, so very, very sad. i could feel my lip starting to quiver and my emotions were starting to kick in. for me it's way easier to funnel sad emotions into anger as it's empowering, sadness leaves me feeling out of control. so i sat there fighting between an all-out weep and wanting to tell him off.
i battled myself for a couple of minutes and then realized that neither was a good option for me. so i said 'i'm done. i've got a good book to read and i'm done.' and walked away. they were all stunned and argued with me and i said 'i have worked so hard these past couple of weeks to make things as nice as possible for your vacation. i'm too tired to do this now and i don't want to say things i would regret or that would hurt you.'
he argued with me again and i was so tempted to lay into him. my arm raised, my finger pointed and the words were forming in my mouth. again, i saw 'me' from outside of myself and said outloud 'no, i'm not going to do this, i'm going away so i don't say anything i will regret'. i grabbed 'the princess and the goblin' and went to read to my kids.
it was the right move. i felt so good about setting that boundary and saying 'i will not be treated like this'. i was tempted to get angry and fight back and put him in his place. everything i would have said would have been the truth - but it would not have been spoken in love.
by taking the higher road i was able to leave him there looking like a bully instead of hiding his actions in my over-reactions.
he came into pink's room to apologize, but i said 'not now'. i really wanted it to be more than just a hug - i wanted him to be forced to talk to me and really clear this up. he was really offended, but i knew dealing with this in front of my kids would be unfair to them. after i tucked the kids in i went into the living room and said 'i'm heading to bed, if you'd like to talk about this i'll be in my room'.
he came in and sat at the edge of my bed and i didn't say a word. it forced him to talk. he started to say 'my reaction really wasn't that bad...' i responded at the tone and level of the words he said to me and it made him literally jump. i think he finally understood how intense he is. he finally got it. i have endured his vented, inappropriate anger my whole life and he has excused himself because he never realized how over-the-top he really was. by startling him i think i finally got through.
i wasted five years of standing up for myself instead of using his own actions to teach him how damaging he was to me. i felt so heard by him. something that i don't think has happened over a dozen times in our 40 years together.
it felt so good. i was able to explain how hard i worked this week. how it wasn't a 'vacation' for me. how i wanted it to be nice for him and my aunt, but that i was just plain tired out. that i didn't have the brains to play cards and i really didn't have the resources to argue with him.
he apologized to me and asked if i wanted to have a meal together today. he hugged me a couple of times and told me he loved me. it was nice. he never said the magic 'i'm proud of you' words - but it was more than i could have hoped for. and i know that it helped him too to really have a full-circle interaction with someone. we all screw up and step in it. but by denying it in our shame, pretending it didn't happen or coating it over in future kind gestures to compensate we are never allowed the full-circle of redemption.
owning our junk, apologizing for it and looking that wounded person in the eyes while you do it allows for it to build a bridge between your souls. gaining forgiveness and nurturing the relationship is what we all long for. all of the other options are just shellac and varnish that crust over and harden our hearts and make us in the end farther away from each other and denying what we truly want and desire.
'respond, don't react' is one of my favorite recovery principles. i try to remember it... and when i do i find that i am better for it.
one of the only ways to engage my father in community is to play cards. so we have a family game that i have grown up playing that is quite involved (6 decks) and it's usually a full evenings entertainment playing together. it beats sitting in the living room with the tv blaring to sports night or some other dumb sport show (sorry...)
last night we again started to shuffle the cards and play. it was an amazing weekend. we had a picnic over the river at a friend's home. so much of our community was there and it was a real time of interaction and blessing. yesterday my two kiddos were baptized (i'll blog about this later) and it was one of the most amazing days of a mom's life.
when it was all over i realized how exhausted i really was. it was like someone let the air out of me. i had nothing left to give. buck's little friend was there for dinner and if liam hadn't bbq'd burgers i think we would have starved. i could hardly put thoughts together to think of all that needed to be done.
i shouldn't have agreed to play cards. i really shouldn't have. but i knew that not playing meant everyone else would be left with nothing to do. i had a new good book to read and sleep was calling me - but i figured sleep can come after tuesday.
it's always men vs. women. and we were winning. i had the cards in the second hand to go out and asked my partner if i could - it was a quick hand and i was going to 'set' the guys with negative points. my father is one of the most competitive people i know. i have relinquished everything competitive in my life because i can see the same nature in me and i loathe it. i really wasn't goading him, i just had the cards and really just wanted the game to be over. i didn't realize that we didn't have one of the requirements for going out and he finally caught it and came after me. his reaction was way over the top and i sat there dazed.
he was like a school yard bully. competition brings out the worst of my father. it has my whole life. normally i have the resources to take it. normally i just internalize whatever he says and does and count it as my bad. i had learned in the 5 years we lived together learned to begin to stand up for myself, but what that usually meant was me over-reacting to his reaction and me looking like the over-emotional idiot and hurting my cause. definitely taking the low road.
last night i was just able to see his reaction for what it was, kind of outside my body. say 'whoa, that was a huge over-reaction, if you had just pointed out that i missed this kindly i would have just passed.' but as i sat there i became so sad, so very, very sad. i could feel my lip starting to quiver and my emotions were starting to kick in. for me it's way easier to funnel sad emotions into anger as it's empowering, sadness leaves me feeling out of control. so i sat there fighting between an all-out weep and wanting to tell him off.
i battled myself for a couple of minutes and then realized that neither was a good option for me. so i said 'i'm done. i've got a good book to read and i'm done.' and walked away. they were all stunned and argued with me and i said 'i have worked so hard these past couple of weeks to make things as nice as possible for your vacation. i'm too tired to do this now and i don't want to say things i would regret or that would hurt you.'
he argued with me again and i was so tempted to lay into him. my arm raised, my finger pointed and the words were forming in my mouth. again, i saw 'me' from outside of myself and said outloud 'no, i'm not going to do this, i'm going away so i don't say anything i will regret'. i grabbed 'the princess and the goblin' and went to read to my kids.
it was the right move. i felt so good about setting that boundary and saying 'i will not be treated like this'. i was tempted to get angry and fight back and put him in his place. everything i would have said would have been the truth - but it would not have been spoken in love.
by taking the higher road i was able to leave him there looking like a bully instead of hiding his actions in my over-reactions.
he came into pink's room to apologize, but i said 'not now'. i really wanted it to be more than just a hug - i wanted him to be forced to talk to me and really clear this up. he was really offended, but i knew dealing with this in front of my kids would be unfair to them. after i tucked the kids in i went into the living room and said 'i'm heading to bed, if you'd like to talk about this i'll be in my room'.
he came in and sat at the edge of my bed and i didn't say a word. it forced him to talk. he started to say 'my reaction really wasn't that bad...' i responded at the tone and level of the words he said to me and it made him literally jump. i think he finally understood how intense he is. he finally got it. i have endured his vented, inappropriate anger my whole life and he has excused himself because he never realized how over-the-top he really was. by startling him i think i finally got through.
i wasted five years of standing up for myself instead of using his own actions to teach him how damaging he was to me. i felt so heard by him. something that i don't think has happened over a dozen times in our 40 years together.
it felt so good. i was able to explain how hard i worked this week. how it wasn't a 'vacation' for me. how i wanted it to be nice for him and my aunt, but that i was just plain tired out. that i didn't have the brains to play cards and i really didn't have the resources to argue with him.
he apologized to me and asked if i wanted to have a meal together today. he hugged me a couple of times and told me he loved me. it was nice. he never said the magic 'i'm proud of you' words - but it was more than i could have hoped for. and i know that it helped him too to really have a full-circle interaction with someone. we all screw up and step in it. but by denying it in our shame, pretending it didn't happen or coating it over in future kind gestures to compensate we are never allowed the full-circle of redemption.
owning our junk, apologizing for it and looking that wounded person in the eyes while you do it allows for it to build a bridge between your souls. gaining forgiveness and nurturing the relationship is what we all long for. all of the other options are just shellac and varnish that crust over and harden our hearts and make us in the end farther away from each other and denying what we truly want and desire.
confess your sins one to another, pray for each other and you will be healed.
james 5:16
it really works!
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
strike two
well, after high hopes after blogging yesterday i was unable to connect with my dad. it's sad. i have to stop with the expectations. i build myself up and get so disappointed.
oh well - at least today we'll be out and about being tourists.
my aunt and i are having a ball though - she is so much fun. i told hope last night that if being with said miserable dad was payment to get my aunt here it is worth it. i don't think she would have travelled without him.
pray for whale sightings today please!!
oh well - at least today we'll be out and about being tourists.
my aunt and i are having a ball though - she is so much fun. i told hope last night that if being with said miserable dad was payment to get my aunt here it is worth it. i don't think she would have travelled without him.
pray for whale sightings today please!!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
hospitality
i have said for quite some time that i do not have the gift of hospitality. that is truly being put to the test this summer. i have found that our little flat (and boy does it feel little right now!) has become a safe place for loved ones on extended stays.
david at post protestant this morning started my mind down this path and i remembered a post by bob carlton on hospitality that i had earmarked in my bloglines months ago.
i truly believe that hospitality is mis-defined in most of our churches today. it's become somehow commercialized and slicked up, even in our own homes - so the pressure to be perfect and shine-y is overwhelming to those of us who aren't.
i wrote earlier this month that when i found out that my father and favorite aunt wanted to stay with me for a full two weeks i decided to take that as a compliment instead of allowing it to totally freak me out. yesterday was hard. my father is different - very different. he doesn't have the crutches of his own apartment in our home to run to here and his desire to disengage is far more evident this past week. it makes me feel rejected, inadequate and very sad. because my aunt and i are getting on so very well it is far more obvious that he is choosing this, most likely out of great fear of inadequacy or rejection? i can't imagine either because i love him so much - and just would love to connect with him - but we just can't seem to find that thread to pull us closer together.
re-reading bob's post this morning made me cry - he emphasizes that in the bible it tells us to welcome 'stranger, alien, widow and orphan' into our midst. my father qualifies for each of those. i so long to welcome him. i so long to connect. he is walking into the living room as i type. i'll leave you with bob's words as i try.
david at post protestant this morning started my mind down this path and i remembered a post by bob carlton on hospitality that i had earmarked in my bloglines months ago.
i truly believe that hospitality is mis-defined in most of our churches today. it's become somehow commercialized and slicked up, even in our own homes - so the pressure to be perfect and shine-y is overwhelming to those of us who aren't.
i wrote earlier this month that when i found out that my father and favorite aunt wanted to stay with me for a full two weeks i decided to take that as a compliment instead of allowing it to totally freak me out. yesterday was hard. my father is different - very different. he doesn't have the crutches of his own apartment in our home to run to here and his desire to disengage is far more evident this past week. it makes me feel rejected, inadequate and very sad. because my aunt and i are getting on so very well it is far more obvious that he is choosing this, most likely out of great fear of inadequacy or rejection? i can't imagine either because i love him so much - and just would love to connect with him - but we just can't seem to find that thread to pull us closer together.
re-reading bob's post this morning made me cry - he emphasizes that in the bible it tells us to welcome 'stranger, alien, widow and orphan' into our midst. my father qualifies for each of those. i so long to welcome him. i so long to connect. he is walking into the living room as i type. i'll leave you with bob's words as i try.
According to Henri Nouwen, hospitality is the "creation of a space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy." In his book Reaching Out, Nouwen reminds us that "hospitality" in the Bible reflects the conditions in the biblical world where motels and hotels were not available. In the Bible, God's people are taught to welcome the stranger, the alien, the widow, and the orphan into our midst, because God's people were once themselves strangers in a foreign land (referring especially to the Israelites' enslavement in Egypt). Nouwen says that such hospitality consists of these facets:
1. Free and friendly space - creating physical, emotional, and spiritual space for the newcomer to join us
2. Stranger becomes a guest - in that atmosphere of hospitality, the stranger is treated like a guest and potential friend
3. Guest protected - hospitality requires that we offer protection or "sanctuary" to the guest
4. Host gives gifts - the host welcomes the guest by providing the best gifts possible
5. Guest gives gifts - in that environment of hospitality, the guest often reciprocates and gives gifts to the host, too
6. Poverty of heart and mind - in order for us as hosts to receive the "gifts" that our guests bring, we need an attitude which Nouwen calls "poverty of heart and mind" - in other words, we have to believe that we don 't know it all and have not experienced it all, but we are receptive to learn from newcomers
7. All guests are important, gifted - in the environment of hospitality, we discover that all guests are important and gifts, even those we might least suspect
8. Acceptance, not hostility - Nouwen reminds us that hospitality is based upon acceptance, not hostility, especially the kinds of subtle hostility which makes fun of newcomers or puts the newcomer into embarrassing situations
9. Compassion - hospitality is basically a sense of compassion, a realization that we are more alike than we are different
10. Confrontation, honesty - hospitality is not being a doormat to the guest, it includes confronting one another in honesty, as well as with compassion.
11. God as the ultimate Host - hospitality reminds us that we are all guests of God who is the ultimate Host who welcomes us.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
the unexamined life
i realized a couple of weeks ago that the unexamined life just isn't nearly as interesting as the intentional one. i have found a counselor and see him this morning. it's been over 20 years now that i've been 'in counselling' most recently i've had female counselors. i'm looking forward to a new perspective.
i find that they help pick at the loose threads in this tapestry of my life. find the areas that are covering over wounds or confusion and unravel the knots to find out what really lies underneath. no big crisis - just a deep desire to go deeper.
i originally decided against seeing him because he was so very different than anyone i've seen before. his life experience and perspective are worlds apart than where i've come from - he's so calm, peaceful and methodical - i think i feared i'd freak him out with my stuff. i can be overwhelming at times... then i realized that i wanted some of what he had. he is a man of peace, passionate about justice, compassionate about helping the poor and the hurting. i figured out that many times i am the 'poor and the hurting'. if i could sense that in the few months we've been here i knew that i could trust him to have compassion toward me and my story.
so an appointment made weeks ago seems very well timed in the middle of this family visit. i look forward to pulling at the threads today.
i find that they help pick at the loose threads in this tapestry of my life. find the areas that are covering over wounds or confusion and unravel the knots to find out what really lies underneath. no big crisis - just a deep desire to go deeper.
i originally decided against seeing him because he was so very different than anyone i've seen before. his life experience and perspective are worlds apart than where i've come from - he's so calm, peaceful and methodical - i think i feared i'd freak him out with my stuff. i can be overwhelming at times... then i realized that i wanted some of what he had. he is a man of peace, passionate about justice, compassionate about helping the poor and the hurting. i figured out that many times i am the 'poor and the hurting'. if i could sense that in the few months we've been here i knew that i could trust him to have compassion toward me and my story.
so an appointment made weeks ago seems very well timed in the middle of this family visit. i look forward to pulling at the threads today.
Monday, August 21, 2006
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh the walls are closing in!
okay - it's day 7 of 14 and we're starting to pick at each other... bossy dad, bossy aunt and i've got my period... pray for me!
it's raining here and my kids are bored silly and my dad doesn't want to do anything but take my husband (and my car) and go fishing... welcome to my childhood.
my aunt is insisting (god bless her) on getting all the curtains done. i had a vision for my living room and everyone ganged up on me telling me over and over that it wasn't going to look good, that i needed to change this or that... and i kept to my plan and held my guns - it looks stunning (and they all have had to eat their words! HA!)
she wants to frou-frou up everything and i want it minimal and clean - modern even. not country and fuffy and it's really pushing my buttons. i'm trying to be heard, trying to speak my truth and stay the course - but it almost seems easier to let her make what she wants and throw them away after she leaves... we have finally agreed on the kitchen curtains - clean, block valance over my blinds. it will work for both of us. i just can't imagine what my bedroom ones will look like... she wants to mix fabrics and it's making my skin crawl. i just had to get away for a bit to type this out so that i didn't vent on her - or my dad who for some odd reason feels the need to voice his opinion (of course taking her side) on my curtains... he lived with us for 5 years and couldn't have cared less. why now? ugh.
i love them both dearly - i just wish we could have about 12 hours apart to clear our heads...
it's hard to watch my dad lately - he's so disengaged. liam keeps saying "invite, invite, invite" - all we can do - but i want to "insist, insist, insist" - and it's not working. he came to church yesterday and it was it's usual wonderful-ness - and he said NOTHING about it. my aunt loved it and is excited for us - but he was silent and distant. i really hope it's all churning inside of him. i'm sure he'll vent about it to my aunt on the trip home. or not... he's such a closed book lately.
and he's ALWAYS got the t.v. on - right in the middle of everything. we're all trying to talk and communicate and he's watching espn LOUD - i'm about ready to move it up to the room he's sleeping in just to be rid of the noise. although then we'd never see him. who travels 1000's of miles to watch television??
pray for me!
it's raining here and my kids are bored silly and my dad doesn't want to do anything but take my husband (and my car) and go fishing... welcome to my childhood.
my aunt is insisting (god bless her) on getting all the curtains done. i had a vision for my living room and everyone ganged up on me telling me over and over that it wasn't going to look good, that i needed to change this or that... and i kept to my plan and held my guns - it looks stunning (and they all have had to eat their words! HA!)
she wants to frou-frou up everything and i want it minimal and clean - modern even. not country and fuffy and it's really pushing my buttons. i'm trying to be heard, trying to speak my truth and stay the course - but it almost seems easier to let her make what she wants and throw them away after she leaves... we have finally agreed on the kitchen curtains - clean, block valance over my blinds. it will work for both of us. i just can't imagine what my bedroom ones will look like... she wants to mix fabrics and it's making my skin crawl. i just had to get away for a bit to type this out so that i didn't vent on her - or my dad who for some odd reason feels the need to voice his opinion (of course taking her side) on my curtains... he lived with us for 5 years and couldn't have cared less. why now? ugh.
i love them both dearly - i just wish we could have about 12 hours apart to clear our heads...
it's hard to watch my dad lately - he's so disengaged. liam keeps saying "invite, invite, invite" - all we can do - but i want to "insist, insist, insist" - and it's not working. he came to church yesterday and it was it's usual wonderful-ness - and he said NOTHING about it. my aunt loved it and is excited for us - but he was silent and distant. i really hope it's all churning inside of him. i'm sure he'll vent about it to my aunt on the trip home. or not... he's such a closed book lately.
and he's ALWAYS got the t.v. on - right in the middle of everything. we're all trying to talk and communicate and he's watching espn LOUD - i'm about ready to move it up to the room he's sleeping in just to be rid of the noise. although then we'd never see him. who travels 1000's of miles to watch television??
pray for me!
Saturday, August 19, 2006
waffles and beachcombing
i made these this morning for my family and they were wonderful! we're headed to show my aunt and father the east side of the ocean! have a great day!
Buttermilk Pecan Waffles Recipe
Buttermilk Pecan Waffles Recipe
Friday, August 18, 2006
today we remember to live and to love
i'm typing in my lap on the laptop my hubby has just been given by a friend, a dear, dear friend. he saw the need in liam to have a tool for his graphics and art and this is it. he switched to a mac a bit ago and this was just 'there'. he really wanted to sell it - but just felt burdened to give it to liam. what generosity and love.
so i'm in my bedroom typing - this feels so weird.
i awoke with the lyrics to the superchick song in my head:
we live, we love,
we forgive and never give up
cause days we are given are gifts from above
and today we remember to live and to love.
this is such a gift. having my dad and aunt here. god orchestrated this one.
my dad and i are traversing new territory. he can see and feel the changes in me. he isn't a very conversational man. if you get him talking about history or subjects he knows and loves (hunting, fishing, sports...) he will chat your ears off (minnesota language systems - garrison keillor) but to just sit and be present and engage in a conversation - very unheard of. he asks questions sometimes which shows he wants to engage but doesn't really know how.
he's been trying to 'define me' (or redefine??) and has been asking
(okay i'm back on my trusty old compy - there must have been a shortcut on the laptop keyboard because it kept publishing my blog... i only have a small window to blog in this a.m. so i want to get it all out)
he's been asking me if i'm going to get a job at a pharmacy, or as a secretary (like i always have)- i finally had to say 'i've decided dad that since they'll let me serve here at this church, and there is so much in this area that needs done, i'm going to be doing kingdom work every chance i get'
then later yesterday he said 'so, you're taking classes too, right? are you going to get a counseling degree?'
i said 'no dad, these people believe women can minister too and i will have a masters in ministry and be pastoring a church with liam when this is done.'
what happened inside of my body when i said those words was something that never happened before. blood rushed into my head, i felt dizzy and floaty and exhilarated and terrified. i never realized before that i have NEVER so clearly stated to my father my call, my gifts and my passion. my aunt was sitting there (orchestrated by god for moral support) and my dad didn't say much after that. it's not uncommon for him to leave responses to his questions lie. as i said above he's not much of a conversationalist. he just sat there for a minute and then went upstairs.
i told my aunt about what happened in my body when i said those words. how i had never spoken up for myself with him before. i honestly never realized it. i would have thought i had passed this ground before - but i hadn't. never. afterward i felt like i should go up and apologize to him. i told my aunt that and she said 'for what?' - i realized i spoke my truth in love, i didn't disrespect him, but i didn't cow-tow to his belief system either. this was a huge step for me.
huge.
he came down later just like nothing had transpired. which too is par for the course. but not my course. never my course again. i'm not playing that game ever again.
he can look at me and see how much healthier, happier and content i am here. he knows it. he can sense it in his bones. deep within him is calling to deep within me - i have found my deep (well some of it at least). and it feels so good. i have verbalized my call. i hope to be able to unwrap it a bit for him - but if i don't have the opportunity it will be because of his fear, and not my own.
i thought this morning about him bragging on his kids. he had just come from a family funeral, and a big fishing trip with people from the camp i grew up at - so he had lots of people to 'fill in' in the past month with how his kids are doing. he mentioned yesterday that he hadn't understood liam's job well and didn't explain it well to people. it made me think about what he's going to tell people about me. the circles he runs in are very conservative. i think he'd rather have me backslidden or even doing something as shameful as prostituting myself so he wouldn't have to say 'my daughter is a pastor'... oh the irony is so sweet i can taste it.
my aunt's confirmation of my words was just as sweet - sweeter even. she is so proud of me. she gets it. she knew my mom like her own sister. she knew she was strangled by those beliefs as much as i was. she sees the redemption here even if he can't.
so today i will love my father, appreciate him for all he is and celebrate what i have of our relationship and if given the chance try to blow a bit more air into the balloon of his belief system so he would be more able to appreciate my own.
today we remember to live and to love.
so i'm in my bedroom typing - this feels so weird.
i awoke with the lyrics to the superchick song in my head:
we live, we love,
we forgive and never give up
cause days we are given are gifts from above
and today we remember to live and to love.
this is such a gift. having my dad and aunt here. god orchestrated this one.
my dad and i are traversing new territory. he can see and feel the changes in me. he isn't a very conversational man. if you get him talking about history or subjects he knows and loves (hunting, fishing, sports...) he will chat your ears off (minnesota language systems - garrison keillor) but to just sit and be present and engage in a conversation - very unheard of. he asks questions sometimes which shows he wants to engage but doesn't really know how.
he's been trying to 'define me' (or redefine??) and has been asking
(okay i'm back on my trusty old compy - there must have been a shortcut on the laptop keyboard because it kept publishing my blog... i only have a small window to blog in this a.m. so i want to get it all out)
he's been asking me if i'm going to get a job at a pharmacy, or as a secretary (like i always have)- i finally had to say 'i've decided dad that since they'll let me serve here at this church, and there is so much in this area that needs done, i'm going to be doing kingdom work every chance i get'
then later yesterday he said 'so, you're taking classes too, right? are you going to get a counseling degree?'
i said 'no dad, these people believe women can minister too and i will have a masters in ministry and be pastoring a church with liam when this is done.'
what happened inside of my body when i said those words was something that never happened before. blood rushed into my head, i felt dizzy and floaty and exhilarated and terrified. i never realized before that i have NEVER so clearly stated to my father my call, my gifts and my passion. my aunt was sitting there (orchestrated by god for moral support) and my dad didn't say much after that. it's not uncommon for him to leave responses to his questions lie. as i said above he's not much of a conversationalist. he just sat there for a minute and then went upstairs.
i told my aunt about what happened in my body when i said those words. how i had never spoken up for myself with him before. i honestly never realized it. i would have thought i had passed this ground before - but i hadn't. never. afterward i felt like i should go up and apologize to him. i told my aunt that and she said 'for what?' - i realized i spoke my truth in love, i didn't disrespect him, but i didn't cow-tow to his belief system either. this was a huge step for me.
huge.
he came down later just like nothing had transpired. which too is par for the course. but not my course. never my course again. i'm not playing that game ever again.
he can look at me and see how much healthier, happier and content i am here. he knows it. he can sense it in his bones. deep within him is calling to deep within me - i have found my deep (well some of it at least). and it feels so good. i have verbalized my call. i hope to be able to unwrap it a bit for him - but if i don't have the opportunity it will be because of his fear, and not my own.
i thought this morning about him bragging on his kids. he had just come from a family funeral, and a big fishing trip with people from the camp i grew up at - so he had lots of people to 'fill in' in the past month with how his kids are doing. he mentioned yesterday that he hadn't understood liam's job well and didn't explain it well to people. it made me think about what he's going to tell people about me. the circles he runs in are very conservative. i think he'd rather have me backslidden or even doing something as shameful as prostituting myself so he wouldn't have to say 'my daughter is a pastor'... oh the irony is so sweet i can taste it.
my aunt's confirmation of my words was just as sweet - sweeter even. she is so proud of me. she gets it. she knew my mom like her own sister. she knew she was strangled by those beliefs as much as i was. she sees the redemption here even if he can't.
so today i will love my father, appreciate him for all he is and celebrate what i have of our relationship and if given the chance try to blow a bit more air into the balloon of his belief system so he would be more able to appreciate my own.
today we remember to live and to love.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
safe, sound and settling in
well they're here and it's so good to see them. i didn't realize how much i missed my dad. my aunt and i have been having such wonderful talks and comiserating about women in the church. she attends an lutheran church with a female pastor and just loves it. she's so supportive of me and my desire for ministry - it's so nice to have her on my 'side'.
we've spent today measuring my living room windows and cutting the fabric for the drapes. i had put it off until she got here because i have no confidence in my own abilities to manage such a big job. and while my fabric only cost $1/yard i still really like it (and it's a lot of fabric) and i was so afraid i'd screw something up and waste all of it. nice to have her experienced hands and mind here.
both my aunt and father have voiced how much our apartment feels so cozy, homey and warm. my aunt called it a great big hug. my in-laws felt the same when they were here - so i guess we have created a nice little nest here. it's wonderful for me to have that validated as it's been what i've spent so much of my time on since we moved in. i know we love it here - but it's so nice to hear it from others. my dad told me today he liked this space even more than our home in pennsylvania. yay! getting compliments from him can be few and far between sometimes.
i spoke with hope last week about wanting my father to tell me he was proud of me while he was here. somehow that is something that i have longed for forever. his validation means so much to me. hope reminded me that people tell us those things with different words sometimes - she encouraged me to listen carefully to what he did say instead of hoping for 'magic words' that would make it all better. i love that perspective, it's so much more graceful and removes the expectations i can build up for myself, and him - and allows us both to just enjoy our time together more fully.
pray all is well in your world!
we've spent today measuring my living room windows and cutting the fabric for the drapes. i had put it off until she got here because i have no confidence in my own abilities to manage such a big job. and while my fabric only cost $1/yard i still really like it (and it's a lot of fabric) and i was so afraid i'd screw something up and waste all of it. nice to have her experienced hands and mind here.
both my aunt and father have voiced how much our apartment feels so cozy, homey and warm. my aunt called it a great big hug. my in-laws felt the same when they were here - so i guess we have created a nice little nest here. it's wonderful for me to have that validated as it's been what i've spent so much of my time on since we moved in. i know we love it here - but it's so nice to hear it from others. my dad told me today he liked this space even more than our home in pennsylvania. yay! getting compliments from him can be few and far between sometimes.
i spoke with hope last week about wanting my father to tell me he was proud of me while he was here. somehow that is something that i have longed for forever. his validation means so much to me. hope reminded me that people tell us those things with different words sometimes - she encouraged me to listen carefully to what he did say instead of hoping for 'magic words' that would make it all better. i love that perspective, it's so much more graceful and removes the expectations i can build up for myself, and him - and allows us both to just enjoy our time together more fully.
pray all is well in your world!
Monday, August 14, 2006
Save Darfur.org :: Add Your Voice
charlie at travels with blood:water mission blog says this:
Save Darfur.org :: Add Your Voice
When President Bush became president 6 years ago, he mentioned the Rwandan Genocide and remarked, "Not on my watch!". I visited a website recently, and sent a digital post card to the White House reminding them of this, and encouraging them to do what they can to bring an end to the merciless killing of innocents in Sudan. It literally only takes half a minute, and I believe, is a great way to use our voice. Please check out this site, and consider sending an e-card. There's not always a lot we can do in these situations, but we have the information, and this is something simple that shows we care, and encourages our leaders to do the same. After all, they represent us. Thanks for considering this, my friends!
Save Darfur.org :: Add Your Voice
readying for company
well we're less than 24 hours away from picking up my dad and aunt at the airport tomorrow. i think we're ready.
i've spent the last couple of days adding finishing touches and settling into the next layer of nesting here. more art hung, clutter that has accumulated in the past month swept away and the place is looking better than ever. company always has a great affect on that for me. no longer do we do it 'for company' though like we used to.
i grew up with a very sick mother - so we only really cleaned (which was really not cleaning, more like hiding) when someone was coming over. since i've started recovery i've learned that i am enough of a reason to have a tidy, ordered home. i like it that way, and i always want to teach my own children that by modelling it for them. they are so much farther ahead of the game than liam and i ever were.
so posting might be light(er... as i haven't been posting much - or it might be heavy, heavy, heavy if i'm needing to vent!) HA!
have a great day - i'm so looking forward to getting to go to the 'big city' (which on a scale of all of the major metropolitan areas i've lived by is a joke - but it feels big compared to what we've been exposed to lately) tomorrow. ttfn!
i've spent the last couple of days adding finishing touches and settling into the next layer of nesting here. more art hung, clutter that has accumulated in the past month swept away and the place is looking better than ever. company always has a great affect on that for me. no longer do we do it 'for company' though like we used to.
i grew up with a very sick mother - so we only really cleaned (which was really not cleaning, more like hiding) when someone was coming over. since i've started recovery i've learned that i am enough of a reason to have a tidy, ordered home. i like it that way, and i always want to teach my own children that by modelling it for them. they are so much farther ahead of the game than liam and i ever were.
so posting might be light(er... as i haven't been posting much - or it might be heavy, heavy, heavy if i'm needing to vent!) HA!
have a great day - i'm so looking forward to getting to go to the 'big city' (which on a scale of all of the major metropolitan areas i've lived by is a joke - but it feels big compared to what we've been exposed to lately) tomorrow. ttfn!
Friday, August 11, 2006
i need pictures
i my last post 'i need words' i was finding it hard to put into words why i'm struggling so lately. i've been coasting and feeling guilty about it. many of you reminded me that it's okay to coast sometimes, but i knew in my soul i was treading into a danger zone and my serenity was busted.
what i didn't realize was that i didn't need words as much as i needed pictures. this morning in the wee hours while laying in bed i was given two images/visions/metaphors that have helped me put how i'm feeling into a bigger picture.
the first one was a large teeter-totter (it had to be large because liam and i were on it!) he at one end and i at the other. in between us there was this gigantic, cumbersome ball - not smooth or sleek - this ball was knotted, twisted and put together from lots of different bits. it almost looked like a huge rubberband ball, but with bits of floss, string and knots added in.
liam was rising to the top and that huge ball started to head toward me as i crashed to the bottom of the "totter". not only did i have to deal with the one being 'down' i had this massive ball rolling toward me.
i don't know if this is true in any other marriages (co-dependency?) but there is this large mass of psychic energy (not like 'psychic-network psychic - but all of the unsaid, unwound, undealt with gunk that floats in our lives) that swirls in our relationship. somehow only one of us can be healthy (emotionally and physically, maybe even spiritually) at a time. it is very, very rare that we are actually BOTH working our programs and not having to shoulder this massive ball of mixed up, unwound junk.
i don't know if this is at all clear - but it helped me loads... i confronted liam a couple of weeks ago (since he preached...) that things were off kilter again. he was finding too much of himself 'out there' instead of the centered man i had come to know in the past couple of months. he heard me (gosh he is so gracious) and did a u-turn. he started doing his pages again and got organized at work and really has restored what had started slipping away. (yes, i know it was extremely co-dependent of me to feel it was my responsibility to do so, and that is part of the core of the problem...)
i am now the one who isn't writing, who is slipping in her program, who isn't 'THE HEALTHY ONE'... i am shouldering the 'ball' and feeling the weight of the unexamined life. HA! it feels like i've been given a key, or at least motivation! balance is so crucial in my/our life. i have been pouting this week because i haven't been able to participate in much of the festivities this week here in town (cocoa - don't want to blog the name here because it's too easy to find...). feeling left out and alone while everyone else gets to go play with 'the devil'. it just triggered far too much.
so instead of being sad today while they do all of the 'fun stuff' i am going to enjoy my re-arranged altar, light some candles and spend some much needed time alone with god, my journal and the guide i've been using (so very slowly...). it might not restore all of the balance, but it will give me some centering time.
the second image i was given was of a piece of bread floating on the water. it was so calm, so peaceful - and then fish started coming up and picking at it, ducks and gulls flew in and started to peck at it - and parts of it were disappearing and holes were starting to appear.
a soggy, floating, picked apart piece of bread... that's how i feel. i've said 'yes' to too many things that are nebulous and undefined lately. all good things, but i have no clear understanding of what i'm supposed to be doing to help. assisting a friend launch a huge new program at the university, taking a casual job as a personal assistant to a computer/blogging whiz here in town, editing a book of a good friend, committing to the south africa trip and all of it's fund-raising necessities - all very undefined parameters. there just isn't enough of 'me' to go around.
then there are the realities of life. my roles as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece are all coming into play:
thanks for reading, i really needed to get these word pictures out of my head and process them a bit 'on paper'. blessings on your day!
what i didn't realize was that i didn't need words as much as i needed pictures. this morning in the wee hours while laying in bed i was given two images/visions/metaphors that have helped me put how i'm feeling into a bigger picture.
the first one was a large teeter-totter (it had to be large because liam and i were on it!) he at one end and i at the other. in between us there was this gigantic, cumbersome ball - not smooth or sleek - this ball was knotted, twisted and put together from lots of different bits. it almost looked like a huge rubberband ball, but with bits of floss, string and knots added in.
liam was rising to the top and that huge ball started to head toward me as i crashed to the bottom of the "totter". not only did i have to deal with the one being 'down' i had this massive ball rolling toward me.i don't know if this is true in any other marriages (co-dependency?) but there is this large mass of psychic energy (not like 'psychic-network psychic - but all of the unsaid, unwound, undealt with gunk that floats in our lives) that swirls in our relationship. somehow only one of us can be healthy (emotionally and physically, maybe even spiritually) at a time. it is very, very rare that we are actually BOTH working our programs and not having to shoulder this massive ball of mixed up, unwound junk.
i don't know if this is at all clear - but it helped me loads... i confronted liam a couple of weeks ago (since he preached...) that things were off kilter again. he was finding too much of himself 'out there' instead of the centered man i had come to know in the past couple of months. he heard me (gosh he is so gracious) and did a u-turn. he started doing his pages again and got organized at work and really has restored what had started slipping away. (yes, i know it was extremely co-dependent of me to feel it was my responsibility to do so, and that is part of the core of the problem...)
i am now the one who isn't writing, who is slipping in her program, who isn't 'THE HEALTHY ONE'... i am shouldering the 'ball' and feeling the weight of the unexamined life. HA! it feels like i've been given a key, or at least motivation! balance is so crucial in my/our life. i have been pouting this week because i haven't been able to participate in much of the festivities this week here in town (cocoa - don't want to blog the name here because it's too easy to find...). feeling left out and alone while everyone else gets to go play with 'the devil'. it just triggered far too much.
so instead of being sad today while they do all of the 'fun stuff' i am going to enjoy my re-arranged altar, light some candles and spend some much needed time alone with god, my journal and the guide i've been using (so very slowly...). it might not restore all of the balance, but it will give me some centering time.
the second image i was given was of a piece of bread floating on the water. it was so calm, so peaceful - and then fish started coming up and picking at it, ducks and gulls flew in and started to peck at it - and parts of it were disappearing and holes were starting to appear.
a soggy, floating, picked apart piece of bread... that's how i feel. i've said 'yes' to too many things that are nebulous and undefined lately. all good things, but i have no clear understanding of what i'm supposed to be doing to help. assisting a friend launch a huge new program at the university, taking a casual job as a personal assistant to a computer/blogging whiz here in town, editing a book of a good friend, committing to the south africa trip and all of it's fund-raising necessities - all very undefined parameters. there just isn't enough of 'me' to go around.then there are the realities of life. my roles as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece are all coming into play:
- as i ready my kids (and myself & husband) for school in 25 days (YAY!!)
- the unbalanced role i play helping liam with his job
- my children have morphed into tweens before my eyes this summer and i am rejoicing/grieving the changes without the time to truly do so
- my sister and her husband were in the horrible mess of the flooding, he is jobless, his unemployment checks have just ended and now he has injured himself on his 4-wheeler so he is unable to work - she is as physically unhealthy as she's ever been and they are now considering going on welfare to get through this (while living on the tippy top of a mountain with their 10 mo. old daughter (off the grid... how do you haul water and wood to prepare for winter when you have crushed a vertebrae in your back???)
- my father and favorite aunt will be here in 6 days for TWO WEEKS in our lovely efficient apartment - which for the four of us works well - but for SIX of us it will need to be an orchestration of grace and energy.
- all during my favorite TIME OF THE MONTH... sigh.
thanks for reading, i really needed to get these word pictures out of my head and process them a bit 'on paper'. blessings on your day!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
please join the ceasefire campaign
feeling as helpless as i have been about all that is happening in the middle east? go here:
Ceasefire Campaign
The world cannot allow the bloodshed in the Middle East to continue. Thousands of innocent civilians have been killed and wounded, almost 1 million made homeless, and a catastrophic larger conflict is possible. We call on US President Bush, UK Prime Minister Blair and the UN Security Council to support UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's call for an immediate ceasefire and an international force to stabilize the situation.
TELL OUR LEADERS TO ACT NOW!
thanks mike for the head's up on this!
Ceasefire Campaign
The world cannot allow the bloodshed in the Middle East to continue. Thousands of innocent civilians have been killed and wounded, almost 1 million made homeless, and a catastrophic larger conflict is possible. We call on US President Bush, UK Prime Minister Blair and the UN Security Council to support UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan's call for an immediate ceasefire and an international force to stabilize the situation.
TELL OUR LEADERS TO ACT NOW!
thanks mike for the head's up on this!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
i need words
i am finding it far too easy to be distracted from writing lately. kids home, reading all of your words, tv on, music on, good books, housework, sunshine, etc. unfortunately most of those are really good things - but i think it's more than that. i think i'm chickening out.
i need to do some deep soul work and i've gotten lazy. distractions are so much easier. liam took the kids to the festival tonight. chocolate dipping lessons - i knew that would be too much for me, so here i am in the silence - no distractions - but just fingers away... talking on the phone, listening to a podcast, reading other's blogs, even cleaning looks more attractive than admitting that i'm afraid right now.
afraid of what? i'm so out of touch with my own thoughts i don't really know. i've gotten so good at helping liam process out his own thoughts they have become a smoke screen. for years he rode the coat-tails of my recovery and soul-work... now i'm riding his.
the counsellor friend who moved to town isn't taking clients - so i emailed the counsellor who is on staff at the church and the university. he is such a kind, soft-spoken man. i have gotten to know him a bit better since i judged him too soft to help me. i determined early that he would be put off by my personality. i have since found out more about his sense of humor, his passion for justice, his heart for the down-trodden and the underdog. i just emailed him asking to begin living 'the examined life' again.
it's my heart's cry. my deep need. hopefully it will begin soon. it's just far too easy to get distracted. it's more fun to get distracted. live like i have no problems, no worries, no fears. i guess i have found some words, but now that i have i want to run to those distractions - uncovering the fear makes me want to flee. being present to the emotions without distraction isn't something i feel up to right now.
well, i guess burying myself in a good book isn't such a bad thing, right?
i need to do some deep soul work and i've gotten lazy. distractions are so much easier. liam took the kids to the festival tonight. chocolate dipping lessons - i knew that would be too much for me, so here i am in the silence - no distractions - but just fingers away... talking on the phone, listening to a podcast, reading other's blogs, even cleaning looks more attractive than admitting that i'm afraid right now.
afraid of what? i'm so out of touch with my own thoughts i don't really know. i've gotten so good at helping liam process out his own thoughts they have become a smoke screen. for years he rode the coat-tails of my recovery and soul-work... now i'm riding his.
the counsellor friend who moved to town isn't taking clients - so i emailed the counsellor who is on staff at the church and the university. he is such a kind, soft-spoken man. i have gotten to know him a bit better since i judged him too soft to help me. i determined early that he would be put off by my personality. i have since found out more about his sense of humor, his passion for justice, his heart for the down-trodden and the underdog. i just emailed him asking to begin living 'the examined life' again.
it's my heart's cry. my deep need. hopefully it will begin soon. it's just far too easy to get distracted. it's more fun to get distracted. live like i have no problems, no worries, no fears. i guess i have found some words, but now that i have i want to run to those distractions - uncovering the fear makes me want to flee. being present to the emotions without distraction isn't something i feel up to right now.
well, i guess burying myself in a good book isn't such a bad thing, right?
Monday, August 07, 2006
It's inconsistency, Stupid!
oh my goodness - sister joan has one of her best articles to date. now this is a consistent ethic of life!
And the problem is ... | National Catholic Reporter Conversation Cafe: "It's inconsistency, Stupid"
And the problem is ... | National Catholic Reporter Conversation Cafe: "It's inconsistency, Stupid"
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
healthy, unwealthy & hopefully wise
just returned from the doctor today. everything looks good. yipee! i had let the test results sit for a bit at the office before i scheduled my appointment. i'm not sure why - i think i was a bit afraid. my cholesterol and blood sugar probably had me a bit freaked out - i'm not the most 'in shape' woman - so it would follow that those two areas could be problem areas for me. my numbers for both were VERY GOOD according to my doctor. it was a very encouraging visit. i really like her. it's a good thing because she's the only dr. taking patients in our area. her manner is so good for me, unlike the doctor i put up with for the past five years in pennsylvania. i'm angry at myself for having done that. she was insulting and lacked so much initiative. going to see her was like going to see that 'debbie downer' character off of SNL.
and now to the 'unwealthy' part... things got complicated financially for us - too many bank accounts open and just too much information. i got overwhelmed about a month ago and i shut down. i am ashamed to admit it -i just set it all aside and pretended. one of our old PA accounts needed attention, and i didn't give it, and i also didn't think to alert liam, because my denial was so big. i kept saying 'we really need to take a day and look at our finances' - and when he would suggest beach combing, or working around the house i readily agreed, again, avoiding the finances. well, yesterday we cleaned up the mess i (we) made - i say "i" because it has always been part of my 'portfolio' previously - i really resented that. liam didn't have to think or concern himself with any of our bills or accounts. i handled it. and up before it got complicated i did a REALLY good job. when it got overwhelming i just shut down.
i can't put words to how less full my head and conscience feels today with all of that handled. i blogged here about how keeping on top of our finances was a big indicator of my recovery well-being. i hadn't realized how much it affects my mental health and well being too. it literally was a monkey on my back. i am sad that i had forgotten the power being on top of our finances gives me - and how debilitating having our finances 'on top' of me is. lesson learned... now hopefully it can also be remembered.
i head tomorrow for my mammogram - it will also feel amazing to have that behind me too!
maybe clear heads and consciences will make way for much more serenity and wholeness.
here's a good quote from bonhoeffer i stumbled across regarding wisdom:
and now to the 'unwealthy' part... things got complicated financially for us - too many bank accounts open and just too much information. i got overwhelmed about a month ago and i shut down. i am ashamed to admit it -i just set it all aside and pretended. one of our old PA accounts needed attention, and i didn't give it, and i also didn't think to alert liam, because my denial was so big. i kept saying 'we really need to take a day and look at our finances' - and when he would suggest beach combing, or working around the house i readily agreed, again, avoiding the finances. well, yesterday we cleaned up the mess i (we) made - i say "i" because it has always been part of my 'portfolio' previously - i really resented that. liam didn't have to think or concern himself with any of our bills or accounts. i handled it. and up before it got complicated i did a REALLY good job. when it got overwhelming i just shut down.
i can't put words to how less full my head and conscience feels today with all of that handled. i blogged here about how keeping on top of our finances was a big indicator of my recovery well-being. i hadn't realized how much it affects my mental health and well being too. it literally was a monkey on my back. i am sad that i had forgotten the power being on top of our finances gives me - and how debilitating having our finances 'on top' of me is. lesson learned... now hopefully it can also be remembered.
i head tomorrow for my mammogram - it will also feel amazing to have that behind me too!
maybe clear heads and consciences will make way for much more serenity and wholeness.
here's a good quote from bonhoeffer i stumbled across regarding wisdom:
To understand reality is not the same as to know about outward events. It is to perceive the essential nature of things. The best-informed man is not necessarily the wisest. Indeed there is a danger that precisely in the multiplicity of his knowledge he will lose sight of what is essential. But on the other hand, knowledge of an apparently trivial detail quite often makes it possible to see into the depth of things. And so the wise man will seek to acquire the best possible knowledge about events, but always without becoming dependent upon this knowledge. To recognize the significant in the factual is wisdom.may we all be wise in the significant depth of things and reality!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Pipecleaner Dance III
okay - this website was the most fun i've had online - i felt like a choreographer!
davidbessler.com - Pipecleaner Dance III
davidbessler.com - Pipecleaner Dance III
jim hancock: 6 for 06? how about you broke it; you bought it
jim's got a the right words, at the right time - let's get them out there so the people who need to read them do so!
jim hancock: 6 for 06? how about you broke it; you bought it
jim hancock: 6 for 06? how about you broke it; you bought it
history in pharmaceutical drug ads
this is a collection of vintage ads run in medical journals. some of these are terrifying to think of the lives ruined, the addiction created and the loss of dignity taken by medicine. i know they didn't know then what we know now, but it's still such a clue into how trying to anestitize a generation from their emotions and facing their past has brought us here. fascinating.vintage_ads: Drugs
via
Thursday, July 27, 2006
i'm going!
today i got a job, it's a small, casual but intriguing one and it helped me finally decide that i will be fulfilling part of my vision from "the path" workshop i participated in over 18 months ago.what really helped me make my decision was encouragement by erin, hope, stephanie & connie. each of these women took the time to remind me of things i had either forgotten or refused to acknowledge. thank you ladies - your words were light and life to me and i am so very grateful to have your input in my world!
i'm not sure why south africa is so important, (well, neritia is there!) but it is redeeming something deep inside of me. i remember my teen years negotiating with god that i would do anything i was called to do but "please don't send me to africa"... that song by scott wesley brown (here mp3 here is you're not familiar)
here is the part of my vision i wrote in november 2005:
The mission trips I've been able to join in the past three years have been most helpful in collecting and giving voice to global stories of women of such different cultures, but similar pain. I have grown so fond of the Global Action team and have treasured each strong friendship that has built through our travels together.want to join us? we'd love it if you did!!
Our trips to South Africa to The River Farm to visit Neritia's communal work there have been one of the highlights. Seeing those women and children learning how to live in the light is one of the greatest joys I've been given.
if anyone feels led to support me in this endeavor i would be so grateful. the cost was one of the reasons i almost considered not participating - but as grandpa joe said in charlie & the chocolate factory:
There's plenty of money out there. They print more of it every day. But that ticket? There are only five of them in the world, and that's all there's ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
the emptiness i feel is not hunger - repost
i have been looking through old blog posts in preparation for the teaching time i get to give at church. i have wanted to say things for so long that narrowing it down to 'one thing' is difficult. i've been re-reading old posts to remind myself of what my burning passion really is. what is the 'one thing' i want people to walk away with?
while i was reading i came across this post - and not much has changed - so i needed to remind myself of things i had uncovered, recovered, and discovered again today. (oh, and i found out that i've been mis-counting my abstinence - i robbed myself of a whole year! i've been saying 5 1/2 years instead of 6 1/2 years!!) silly me!
while i was reading i came across this post - and not much has changed - so i needed to remind myself of things i had uncovered, recovered, and discovered again today. (oh, and i found out that i've been mis-counting my abstinence - i robbed myself of a whole year! i've been saying 5 1/2 years instead of 6 1/2 years!!) silly me!
up early, and pondering. i have been struggling with my food lately. haven't wanted to own it. i just so want to feel 'full'. i have a lot of triggers to this, loneliness, abandonment, unresolved issues, not being heard... but i just can't put my finger on why this need to feel full is being triggered so regularly.
when i'm at my best i'm eating 3 meals a day, one serving and allow myself a healthy snack. i can live well on that plan, i have for years. lately though i have gotten sloppy. i'm sure it hasn't helped that i moved my office to the room behind the kitchen. so i am constantly in visual range of the pantry and fridge. every time i write i have 'comfort' close by.
i know that opening up about it and sifting through it by writing is what i need to do, but i have been avoiding this because it means that when i do unlock the reason i will have the ability to stop. and i don't want to.
i'm not breaking my abstinence, but i am distorting it and ruining my serenity. instead of seeking silence or contemplative time i want to drown that out with chewing. i can be anything. baby carrots, microwave popcorn, anything. chewing makes me feel safe somehow. i hate that.
feeling full makes me feel even safer.
i hate that even more.
on october 14th, a day after my 39th birthday i will have maintained my abstinence for five years. 4 years and 12 days ago i had my last piece of birthday cake and awoke to one day at a time, step by step facing my issues and working my program. lately i am maintaining, but i've gotten really sloppy.
i know with addictions that it's never about the fix - it always goes deeper. it's not about the food, the chewing or even feeling full. it's about being empty. that hollow feeling terrifies me. when i picture myself empty i see a woman with a bird cage for a stomach, it's dark and full of cobwebs, the little birdie swing is empty, hanging there lonely. i look down into the cage where my heart and vital organs should be and i am a shell. there is nothing there. i can see past the bars of the cage at the back, but it is darkness, eerie darkness. there is a path, there is a wood, the only light comes from a small quarter moon. i echo. i am empty. i am afraid.
so i grab anything and try to stuff it in that cavern within me. it just drops out the bottom, it disappears. nothing fills it up, not things, not clothes, not food, not people. please, i know about the god shaped void. this is different. i don't know if it's about permanence or substance or emerging. i sometimes feel like i'm turned inside out. like the emergence has left me with my nerves all jangly on the outside of my body instead of the inside. i used to have all the answers, god was in a box and although i didn't like the answers it was neat and tidy.
all i know is that i've been trying to stuff this empty space full of food. it is familiar, it is comforting. it is soft. i know that sounds weird, but biting into something soft has been so comforting to me. i allow myself bread in my abstinence. i know that if i removed it from my diet that i would be better off. i don't do white bread (unless it is an occasional croissant or garlic bread, or pizza crust... see how sloppy i've gotten??). but i'm sure that if you video taped my first bite of soft bread it would look like the face of the junkie you see shooting heroin into his arm when the kick finally hits. it's not the taste, it's not even the chewing at that point. it's really about the feeling of that soft food in my mouth.
i have had oral fixations my whole life. because of the oral rape my mouth becomes my best friend, and my worst enemy. clenching my jaw locked (how i just realized i was when writing those words) became my defense against the world. that first bite of soft bread somehow makes the world feel like a safer place to be. i know it makes no sense, i know my thinking is so f*cked up here - but it's true, that's how it makes me feel.
i have lived 5 years without chocolate. i have no intention of having it this side of heaven. i'm okay with that now. but bread? oh bread has become that replacement. i am weeping, getting too close to the reasons. it hurts. it's scary, and i want to walk away. i want to change the subject.
how stupid is it that i've convinced myself that bread is going to solve my problems. make me feel whole, less empty or alone? communion always had a real, fluffy white loaf of bread. our communion service growing up was called 'the breaking of the bread'. two silver goblets filled with mogan david wine and soft chewy bread. how did something like that become my savior instead of jesus?
i know i'm all over the map here, just stream of consciousness thoughts linking together to weave through my thoughts of bread, of comfort. take eat, this is my body, broken for you. do this in remembrance of me until i come. what am i remembering. what am i linking to this feeling?
safety. security. warmth. my mother never baked a loaf of bread my whole life. this isn't a warm from the oven kind of moment. it's plastic wrapped wonder bread (btw - i jumped for joy to hear they were being forced into bankruptcy - wonder bread is the pornography of bread in my mind - no nutritional value whatsoever, and we wonder why our children weigh 100 lbs before they get out of 4th grade. my father brings wonder bread into my home and i abhor it. my children only get white bread at friend's houses.) sorry, tangent rant...
one of the things about reading other's blogs is that when someone says something so meaningful and important you honestly think you will remember it when you go to write on the subject. i don't, it all blurs together, and for my life i can't remember who wrote on emptiness, but it started me down this path. i even left a comment on their blog about how i equate the emptiness i feel with hunger. how that is so dangerous for me. i can't seem to tell the difference. it's like my brain lost that piece of equipment that can separate spiritual/social/emotional emptiness from hunger. i want it back. i know that there are tiny edges of it when my serenity is in place and i am living a clean, neat abstinence. but even then it's not nearly as strong as it is in 'normal' people.
i have used my time. i need to get my kids up and moving, ready for friday school. if you think of me today, please pray for me. i don't even know how to pray, or ask you to, but if something i wrote resonates with what you think i need, please ask god to bring that to me today. i don't want to be so sloppy. i want back what i have traded for feeling full. thank you.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
finally!
i received an email yesterday from the head of the program we start in the fall (who is also the pastor at the church we are attending). he just returned from the summer term in europe with the students and had a chance to listen to liam's teaching from a couple of weeks ago. he was so encouraging and excited. it's great to have he and his wife home. the part of the email that jumped out at me was him asking if i would consider teaching on a sunday in the fall. me. oh it's good to be involved in a place where i am a person too!
so i begin to prepare in my head. where to start? so many things i've wanted to say over 40 years? i feel like i've been granted a 'make a wish' wish. some people pick disneyland. i pick this. i literally have waited my whole life for this. it sounds insane doesn't it? but it's real and i am excited.
so i begin to prepare in my head. where to start? so many things i've wanted to say over 40 years? i feel like i've been granted a 'make a wish' wish. some people pick disneyland. i pick this. i literally have waited my whole life for this. it sounds insane doesn't it? but it's real and i am excited.
Monday, July 24, 2006
a clue about company-itis
as a woman in the church i have borne much shame about my lack of gifting in the area of hospitality. i wasn't raised in a home where hospitality was really practiced because of my mother's illness, so it doesn't come naturally to me.
having my inlaws here last week and managing much better than i have ever done in the past was encouraging, but by the end i was absolutely exhausted and really frustrated (ashamed) with myself for it not being stress-free and effortless like some women seem able to manage.
i have figured out one of the reasons for my 'company-itis'. being a compulsive overeater i spent years of my life obsessing over food. during the recovery i've had in the past 5+ years i have learned to set that obession aside. it's difficult to parent/housewife sometimes because of this but we all seem to manage. until company comes.
i found last week i felt like i was running a restaurant. all i did some days was cook, clean up, plan and cook again... company forces me to obsess about food again. i know that having an 'eating plan' is a healthy step in recovery for OA, and it's one that i've never mastered. it just seems to bring my mind conastantly back to food - but it's probably a lie - and once i really did it i'd probably find i thought about food much less in the long run. i just can't seem to get to a place where i take the time to plan and get organized enough for it to flow instead of always looking like work.
my father and favorite aunt will be coming in mid-august. i am now preparing for this mentally. they are much easier to host, a. because my father has lived with us and knows that i can be a bit psycho at times... and b. my aunt is an amazing cook and she will take some of the burden off of me (which liam's mom didn't do at all). but i really want to learn from last week and build on it. so i am attempting to really feel the feelings of inadequacy and shame, keep was is real, set the rest aside and learn from it all so that i can stand on-top of the experience instead of being buried by it.
hope your day finds you all well!
having my inlaws here last week and managing much better than i have ever done in the past was encouraging, but by the end i was absolutely exhausted and really frustrated (ashamed) with myself for it not being stress-free and effortless like some women seem able to manage.
i have figured out one of the reasons for my 'company-itis'. being a compulsive overeater i spent years of my life obsessing over food. during the recovery i've had in the past 5+ years i have learned to set that obession aside. it's difficult to parent/housewife sometimes because of this but we all seem to manage. until company comes.
i found last week i felt like i was running a restaurant. all i did some days was cook, clean up, plan and cook again... company forces me to obsess about food again. i know that having an 'eating plan' is a healthy step in recovery for OA, and it's one that i've never mastered. it just seems to bring my mind conastantly back to food - but it's probably a lie - and once i really did it i'd probably find i thought about food much less in the long run. i just can't seem to get to a place where i take the time to plan and get organized enough for it to flow instead of always looking like work.
my father and favorite aunt will be coming in mid-august. i am now preparing for this mentally. they are much easier to host, a. because my father has lived with us and knows that i can be a bit psycho at times... and b. my aunt is an amazing cook and she will take some of the burden off of me (which liam's mom didn't do at all). but i really want to learn from last week and build on it. so i am attempting to really feel the feelings of inadequacy and shame, keep was is real, set the rest aside and learn from it all so that i can stand on-top of the experience instead of being buried by it.
hope your day finds you all well!
Dry Bones Dance: Enough is enough
i have been too overwhelmed for words, but christy iced it perfectly:
Dry Bones Dance: Enough is enough
Dry Bones Dance: Enough is enough
Friday, July 21, 2006
gone be the birds when they don't want to sing...
finally! we had a wonderful time with them here - but it is SO good to have our house back to normal!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
TallSkinnyKiwi: How Your Emerging Church Can Stay in Calvary Chapel, Inc
great article on the inconsistencies the 'ic' is having with the 'ec'
TallSkinnyKiwi: How Your Emerging Church Can Stay in Calvary Chapel, Inc
TallSkinnyKiwi: How Your Emerging Church Can Stay in Calvary Chapel, Inc
ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism
this is what happens when dotors making a buck over-rules counselling patients. addiction is addiction is addiction. it's not about food people. it's about feeling empty, lost and out of control.
a couple of years ago i met a couple at recovery who both had bypass and were both now facing their alcoholism. while i'm sad that people are struggling with this i am glad it's finally coming into the forefront of the media.
ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism
a couple of years ago i met a couple at recovery who both had bypass and were both now facing their alcoholism. while i'm sad that people are struggling with this i am glad it's finally coming into the forefront of the media.
ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism
liam's teaching
i have posted the link to liam's teaching last sunday on my other blog. if you want the link email me at emergingsideways AT gmail DOT com
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
space invaders?
great post - read the rest HERE
Talkin2jah: Thoughts From Traveling: "Jesus said he was “the way”. If we are willing to accept that Jesus is not the destination but the journey itself...what are we doing living at the airport? Why are we living life “close”?…afraid that something will touch us, afraid that someone will invade our space. “Living close” is retreating. We make ourselves smaller so that we don’t get hurt."
Talkin2jah: Thoughts From Traveling: "Jesus said he was “the way”. If we are willing to accept that Jesus is not the destination but the journey itself...what are we doing living at the airport? Why are we living life “close”?…afraid that something will touch us, afraid that someone will invade our space. “Living close” is retreating. We make ourselves smaller so that we don’t get hurt."
Monday, July 17, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
heat, hormones & help!!
pray for me! the heat and the hormones are getting to me! i could handle the company and the sermon (or maybe the other two??) but the four of them together are culminating into quite an emotional stew...
off to the sea - i hope it's cooler there!
off to the sea - i hope it's cooler there!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
familiar feelings
for the past few days i have shut down. since i've been taking the magnesium i have been sleeping like the dead, and making up for years of interrupted sleep. the heat and 'free floating anxiety' have just stopped me in my tracks.
trying to put my finger on the emotions when they become so overwhelming is difficult. i spend much of the time beating myself up for being overwhelmed and trying to figure out what has stalled me.
last friday my mother-in-law called and said 'oh dear, i know we were talking about coming down at the end of the month/beginning of aug. but we've been talking - how does the 13th sound for you?" you mean THURSDAY?? sigh. forward thinking isn't one of her strong suits. it actually works out fine, so they are driving today to arrive this late this evening.
so for some time i had assumed it was just overwhelming that i was having company and my 'space' was going to be invaded. they are truly the easiest of company. no cleaning necessary and so laid back. she'll even help me sew my curtains while she's here.
then i realized that i was feeling some real familiar emotions that i didn't like at all. liam is teaching on sunday. once i put my finger on that issue everything opened up and made sense. i have totally backed off and allowed his capable self to manage things. he's not overworking so he really has time to do this. it's been hard not to be overly involved, but i know that the fear of 'representing' and putting our best face on is what drives my need to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything or try to steer the cart in the direction "i think it should go". i've been proud of myself for not being overly involved.
but we're getting down to the wire - and now with his parents coming it will eat up any contemplative time he might have otherwise taken. and i know that the stress of 'sunday' will begin to build - and i don't like to do emotions in public. feeling watched/judged is a big fear of mine. i make up what people are thinking and become suspicious and paranoid.
i also realized that this is a level of engaging into the community that i'm really not comfortable with. i have a deep seated fear of institutions. i have not been treated well by them. this church is about as 'institutional-less' as you can get, but there is still a 'belonging' that happens, and if you belong, you can be rejected. and the fear of rejection is a bit more than i can bear right now.
that pushes my co-dependent buttons and makes me want to spit and polish liam and his notes in a last ditch effort to make sure we won't be rejected. oh it pains me to type this. i hate that this all matters to me. i know it's uncovered a huge sore on my soul. the wounding of the past churches has truly left me shell-shocked. i want to run free, not have anything required of me and not have any ties that could hurt me again. but deep down i know that isn't the answer. no community or intimacy is not how we were meant to live. so being present to these emotions is where i sit this morning. trying to feel them without them pushing me into my addictions and co-addictions. damn. pretending is so much more fun.
pray for me. it's going to be a scorcher weekend here. this space already feels a bit tight when it's hot and the kids are home. throw in a couple more people and i'm sure it's going to tempt me to bolt. i guess heading to the ocean will drop the temperature and the open space will do us all good.
on a side note, we went to the island the other day and as i sat with my family at the lighthouse and watched the sea i had a long-time prayer answered. i got to see 8 whale backs surface. i will be posting about this on my other blog sometime this weekend. whales and i have a long history that i didn't understand and i am starting to put the pieces together. it was a sacred time indeed. have a great day!
trying to put my finger on the emotions when they become so overwhelming is difficult. i spend much of the time beating myself up for being overwhelmed and trying to figure out what has stalled me.
last friday my mother-in-law called and said 'oh dear, i know we were talking about coming down at the end of the month/beginning of aug. but we've been talking - how does the 13th sound for you?" you mean THURSDAY?? sigh. forward thinking isn't one of her strong suits. it actually works out fine, so they are driving today to arrive this late this evening.
so for some time i had assumed it was just overwhelming that i was having company and my 'space' was going to be invaded. they are truly the easiest of company. no cleaning necessary and so laid back. she'll even help me sew my curtains while she's here.
then i realized that i was feeling some real familiar emotions that i didn't like at all. liam is teaching on sunday. once i put my finger on that issue everything opened up and made sense. i have totally backed off and allowed his capable self to manage things. he's not overworking so he really has time to do this. it's been hard not to be overly involved, but i know that the fear of 'representing' and putting our best face on is what drives my need to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything or try to steer the cart in the direction "i think it should go". i've been proud of myself for not being overly involved.
but we're getting down to the wire - and now with his parents coming it will eat up any contemplative time he might have otherwise taken. and i know that the stress of 'sunday' will begin to build - and i don't like to do emotions in public. feeling watched/judged is a big fear of mine. i make up what people are thinking and become suspicious and paranoid.
i also realized that this is a level of engaging into the community that i'm really not comfortable with. i have a deep seated fear of institutions. i have not been treated well by them. this church is about as 'institutional-less' as you can get, but there is still a 'belonging' that happens, and if you belong, you can be rejected. and the fear of rejection is a bit more than i can bear right now.
that pushes my co-dependent buttons and makes me want to spit and polish liam and his notes in a last ditch effort to make sure we won't be rejected. oh it pains me to type this. i hate that this all matters to me. i know it's uncovered a huge sore on my soul. the wounding of the past churches has truly left me shell-shocked. i want to run free, not have anything required of me and not have any ties that could hurt me again. but deep down i know that isn't the answer. no community or intimacy is not how we were meant to live. so being present to these emotions is where i sit this morning. trying to feel them without them pushing me into my addictions and co-addictions. damn. pretending is so much more fun.
pray for me. it's going to be a scorcher weekend here. this space already feels a bit tight when it's hot and the kids are home. throw in a couple more people and i'm sure it's going to tempt me to bolt. i guess heading to the ocean will drop the temperature and the open space will do us all good.
on a side note, we went to the island the other day and as i sat with my family at the lighthouse and watched the sea i had a long-time prayer answered. i got to see 8 whale backs surface. i will be posting about this on my other blog sometime this weekend. whales and i have a long history that i didn't understand and i am starting to put the pieces together. it was a sacred time indeed. have a great day!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
george seurat art come to life
a city near my home town re-created seurat's 'sunday afternoon on the island of lagrand jatte'. how fun!
Beloit Daily News
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
pci - personal craziness index
i was reading at deb's abiding blog and she mentioned that she was in a bit of a dry spell and asked people to leave questions to inspire her blogging. i too LOVE questions - they give me a reason to dig deeper. i have been pretty surface lately. content to just sit in the peace after so much tumult this past year. i don't think it's denial, but it definitely isn't effort either.
one of the questions i left for deb was 'do you have any good tools that help you identify 'red flags' to let you know if you're nearing a danger zone in your recovery?" (or something like that?) i thought that would be a good question for me as the tool i use has the THE MOST HELPFUL for me to keep my recovery stabilized and balanced.
it is taken from my guru - patrick carnes - a gentle path through the 12 steps (AGPTT12S)- it truly was the book that changed my life. and this tool he developed is the 'red flag' that keeps me from careening back into my addictions. it's called a "personal craziness index" or PCI (the people who use it call it "picky").
i hope i'm not interfering in any copyright territory - i made the graphic myself (without any help from liam, the graphics master. i'm so very proud of me!) and i'm giving full credit to carnes - AGPTT12S, pgs. 212-223.
he says on pg. 212:
preparation tracks 10 areas of your life and personal behavior that could have danger signs or warnings that you are close to the edge. he writes:
3. Environment - To not have time to do your personal chores is a comment on the order of your life. Consider the home in which plans go unwatered, fish go unfed, grocery supplies depleted, laundry not done or put away, cleaning neglected, dishes unwashed. What are ways in which you neglect your home or living space?
-beds unmade
-dirty dishes on the counter
-laundry not put away
for each of those areas i have listed similar, embarrassing, honest answers. identifying my danger zones allows me to identify when life is getting out of control.
after those 10 areas are listed carnes provides charts to track your behavior - you choose 7 of the 30 that are the highest indicators that life is getting out of control. my seven are:
this tool, like NO other has given me the red flags i need to check myself and avoid the craziness that drives me back into my addictions. when i maintain them i am able to keep my reserves charged up.
i have no idea if i've left parts of this out or if it makes sense to someone who hasn't read any of carnes. this is definitely not something you begin your recovery with - it is a maintenance tool. if you're actively working the steps it will help you to maintain your sobriety. my guide gave me this out of sequence (because of her love for it) early on in my journey and it made no sense at all to me. i was offended at the "crazy" term used in the name and bristled at all of the work involved. when the timing was right though it has become the 'level' in my toolbox of recovery tools.
please - ask questions - i will edit this if it doesn't make sense - and like i said above - GO BUY THE BOOK!! patrick carnes is a fellow addict - this really works.
you can find some of his great resources here.
one of the questions i left for deb was 'do you have any good tools that help you identify 'red flags' to let you know if you're nearing a danger zone in your recovery?" (or something like that?) i thought that would be a good question for me as the tool i use has the THE MOST HELPFUL for me to keep my recovery stabilized and balanced.
it is taken from my guru - patrick carnes - a gentle path through the 12 steps (AGPTT12S)- it truly was the book that changed my life. and this tool he developed is the 'red flag' that keeps me from careening back into my addictions. it's called a "personal craziness index" or PCI (the people who use it call it "picky").
i hope i'm not interfering in any copyright territory - i made the graphic myself (without any help from liam, the graphics master. i'm so very proud of me!) and i'm giving full credit to carnes - AGPTT12S, pgs. 212-223.
he says on pg. 212:
"The Twelve Steps will help you learn the necessary skills, but you also need to develop a lifestyle that builds up reserves of strength and endurance.
Think of your life as having an addiction "set point" - the point at which the imbalance leaves you vulnerable to addiction, when you are too stressed or overextended to maintain your recovery.
By developing a sense of what your own personal set point is, you can be alert to maintaining the balance that makes you less vulnerable to the "friends" of your addict. The PCI on page 214 will help you develop some criteria for recognizing when you have passed that point of sanity and are at risk. The PCI thus can become a set of "training" guidelines under which you train for anticipated stress. In addition, by keeping track of your own PCI for a period of time, you will get better and better at maintaining lifestyle balance and having some fun."there are then three parts to establishing your own PCI - preparation, recording/charting your pci, maintaining/tuning your pci. the book is set up in workbook style, so you fill in the blanks as you read (GO BUY THE BOOK! really, it will change your life!)
preparation tracks 10 areas of your life and personal behavior that could have danger signs or warnings that you are close to the edge. he writes:
"Addicts and coaddicts are particularly vulnerable to the "insanity" of loss of reality from having neglected the basics. "Keep it simple" and "a day at time" are not shopworn cliches, but guidelines borne out by the experience of many recovery people. The PCI helps you to remember what you need to do each day. It helps you establish good recovery habits. Without a structured process to keep you on track, "cunning and baffling," self-destructive behavior patterns will return. You'll also find the PCI helpful during periods of stress and vulnerability."the 10 areas are:
- Physical Health
- Transportation
- Environment
- Work
- Interests
- Social Life
- Family/Significant Others
- Finances
- Spiritual Life and Personal Reflection
- Other Addictions or Symptom Behaviors
3. Environment - To not have time to do your personal chores is a comment on the order of your life. Consider the home in which plans go unwatered, fish go unfed, grocery supplies depleted, laundry not done or put away, cleaning neglected, dishes unwashed. What are ways in which you neglect your home or living space?
-beds unmade
-dirty dishes on the counter
-laundry not put away
for each of those areas i have listed similar, embarrassing, honest answers. identifying my danger zones allows me to identify when life is getting out of control.
after those 10 areas are listed carnes provides charts to track your behavior - you choose 7 of the 30 that are the highest indicators that life is getting out of control. my seven are:
- bad hygiene
- avoidance of the telephone
- avoidance of finances, balancing checkbook/paying bills
- critical of others
- no ordered quiet time
- dishes piled up
- pushing responsibilities on liam so i can stay home/isolation
this tool, like NO other has given me the red flags i need to check myself and avoid the craziness that drives me back into my addictions. when i maintain them i am able to keep my reserves charged up.
i have no idea if i've left parts of this out or if it makes sense to someone who hasn't read any of carnes. this is definitely not something you begin your recovery with - it is a maintenance tool. if you're actively working the steps it will help you to maintain your sobriety. my guide gave me this out of sequence (because of her love for it) early on in my journey and it made no sense at all to me. i was offended at the "crazy" term used in the name and bristled at all of the work involved. when the timing was right though it has become the 'level' in my toolbox of recovery tools.
please - ask questions - i will edit this if it doesn't make sense - and like i said above - GO BUY THE BOOK!! patrick carnes is a fellow addict - this really works.
you can find some of his great resources here.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
glorious, lazy days of summer
good books, 75*, lovely breeze and not much required from me at all... oh how i love this pace of life! i feel so indulgent - keeping my house running, family fed and interacting with my community - i know far too many people have to do far too much more than i do - but i love this simple life.
today i sat at the neighbors pool while my daughter and her friend swam and i read and sat in the shady breeze. lovely, lovely, lovely.
the picture was taken on the 4th and i have no idea what kind of plant it is, but it was far too interesting and beautiful not to capture.
hope you are all taking a slice out of life to enjoy the flowers!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
holidays by the sea shore
as we are a dual-nation family we have had the blessing of two holidays - canada day is on the 1st of july, and today is, of course, the 4th of july. liam took a four-day weekend and we celebrated on saturday in a canadian coastal town that was filled with market booths, a parade with bagpipes and mounties, spotting seastars & jellyfish on the dock while the tide was out and lots of beach-combing for our family.we each got to pick our lunch from the myriad of offerings. liam had samosas, buck and pink got burritos and i had an incredible lamb kabob platter from the amazing turkish caterer. ethnic food in our neck of the woods is a rare thing indeed. we all enjoyed the day immensely and must have counted over 200 dogs - everybody had a dog that day. we really missed our emmy.
once we had combed the public access area of the beach we turned left and followed the shore (and the quickly rising tides) to explore what we couldn't see through the forest. it led us to our own private stretch of beach front - miles and miles - no homes or boats - just a gorgeous stretch of protected beachfront. it was like having our own sacred space. we explored the tidal pools, sat on an old abandoned picnic table and emptied our multiple pockets filled with beach glass and sand smoothed pottery pieces (my favorite). it was truly a glorious day. a lovely breeze, 77 degrees, big puffy clouds and not a soul in sight.
on our walk home a man was letting his dogs run free - one of them was an english golden retriever who swam the waves to greet us. she was our emmy reincarnate - liam and i looked at each other in amazement. she was the same, small, shaggy girl who we could never keep out of the water. it was a short visit from a very old friend. what a beautiful day!
today we are off to celebrate our american side along the coast of maine - we hear tell of buskers, vendors, parades and eventually fireworks - and i'm sure we'll find a beach or two to fill our pockets again with the bounty of the seashore. happy holidays to you!
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